Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

15 times people made dumb jokes on Tinder and wound up laughing alone.

0
0

It takes a mix of skill and luck to excel at the game of Tinder (and other apps like Bumble). Unfortunately for these 15 people, fortune was not on their side, and they bombed with their witty openers and mid-convo jokes. Their lines will either confirm for you that Tinder is the worst, or that your perfect Holocaust-mocking match is out there for you.

1. This opener isn't funny, because she'd be Cellery.

2. If you don't have something creative to say, don't say anything.

3. Puns are not Dina's thing.

5. This lady was not being honest about her taste in jokes.

6. There's a pattern here: name puns are no good.

7. Animals are dangerous territory.

8. This match was able to forget.

9. Both these people had bad timing.

10. Never joke about such a serious topic.

11. At least this guy is used to rejection.

12. OK, how was this person supposed to know?

13. Not everyone is content with letting a bad line go unanswered.

14. If at first you fail, keep failing.

15. Maybe the problem with a lot of these jokes is that people simply don't get it.

That wasn't exactly quality material, but it was certainly better stuff than chicken nguyets.


Lena Dunham threatened to move to Canada, and Trump is delighted by the news.

0
0

Actress Lena Dunham recently said she'd move to Canada if Donald Trump was elected president, and Trump is delighted by the news. In a phone interview with Fox & Friends Tuesday morning, he responded by insulting her, which is his typical response when faced with confrontation.

Dunham reportedly said on Monday that she knew just where she'd move in Canada if Trump was elected:

I know a lovely place in Vancouver, and I can get my work done from there.

Naturally, because he's extremely presidential, Donald Trump felt personally compelled to respond to such comments. Trump replied by saying she's a "B-actor" that "has no mojo."

His response full response about Dunham starts at 6:18:

Fox & Friends anchor Steve Doocy then asked Trump about a number of celebrities that have threatened to leave if he becomes president, and he was delighted about the prospect of losing Whoopi Goldberg or Rosie O'Donnell. Here's the graphic they used with all those who might move north:

Some of Fox's favorite people.

Trump threw all the shade at Whoopi upon hearing she might leave:

I heard Whoopi Goldberg said that too. That would be a great, great thing for our country.

Lena Dunham has not yet responded to the diss, and neither have Rosie or Whoopi. They might be too busy getting their visa applications in order, or, y'know, having successful careers.

Article 9

Hungry dude gets on train with no café car, so he just has a pizza delivered to him instead.

0
0

All right, so you're on a train and you're hungry, so you'll just go grab something from the café car—except, oops, you're on a train with NO FOOD. The situation is now dire. What can you do? One brave man, a British DJ, faced this very dilemma on Saturday when he boarded a five-hour train from Glasgow to Sheffield. And after some quick thinking, he did what before could only be dreamed about—he ordered a pizza and had it delivered to the train. How, you ask? Well, luckily, he was kind (and smug) enough to live-tweet the whole thing.

The predicament:

Inspiration strikes:

The solution:

The result:

And, as luck would have it, suddenly, there was liquor.

And sharing, because sometimes people are nice.

And all was right in the end. So right that the DJ did it all over again the next day with a friend.

Voila! A whole new era in train dining.

The weird, sometimes disturbing origins of these famous jokes will not leave you laughing.

0
0

Familiar, well-trod joke formats didn’t begin with your dad. Knock-knock jokes, chickens crossing roads, and bad wordplay have been delighting/making people groan for generations. Here’s how some of the oldest surviving jokes started.

1. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Places to go, people to see.

It’s the most famous joke and also most non-joke joke in the English language. Its first appearance in print came in an 1847 issue ofThe Knickerbocker, a magazine for fancy New Yorkers. On a you-send-it-in page called “Gossip With Readers and Correspondents,” a reader whose identity is lost to time wrote in:

There are ‘quips and quillets’ which seem actual conundrums, but yet are none. Of such is this: ‘Why does a chicken cross the street?’ Are you ‘out of town?’ Do you ‘give it up?’ Well, then: ‘Because it wants to get on the other side!’


2. What’s black and white and read/red all over?

Old timey Reddit.

A newspaper. Or, if you’re a fourth grader, two zebras in a blender, two nuns in a chainsaw fight, etc. The origin goes back to the late 19th century, back when newspapers were still popular enough that they could be the punchline of a widespread joke. According to historian Mac Barrick in a 1974 report in The Newspaper Riddle Joke, the riddle—playing off the similar pronunciation of red and read—appeared in 15 different folk riddle collections in the early 20th century. Which suggests that this dumb joke just kind of spread throughout the U.S. in the late 1800s.


3. "Yo Mama" jokes.

Pictured: Your mother.

Yo mama is so dumb, she thinks yo mama jokes were only a fad in the ‘90s. These jokes started as an inner city street game in the ‘60s called the Dozens. Two guys would freestyle insult each other (and, of course, each other’s mothers) until one& couldn’t top the other. Still, the insult game—and why it’s called the Dozens—go back way farther, and gets way darker. In her article Still Laughing to Keep from Crying, author Mona Lisa Saloy says that the Dozens originated in the New Orleans slave trade, where slaves that had been punished for disobedience were sold cheaply in bulk, by the dozens. To be one of “the dozens” was about the lowest state for a human being.


4. Polish jokes.

The source of many jokes for your racist grandparents.

This style of racist joke (the punchline of all variations is essentially that Polish people are stupid) was invented by the Nazis, who destroyed Poland and millions of its residents in the 1930s and 1940s. Through its massive propaganda machine, Nazis spread a news report that an uprising of Polish soldiers had attacked German tanks. They’re so stupid, those Poles! The reason: Hitler figured that if the rest of Europe thought Poland was stupid and worthless, they wouldn’t much care if he took it over. But Polish jokes well outlasted World War II.


5. Knock-knock jokes.

Behind this door are drunks!

In modern times, knocking on a door and having someone say, "Who's there?" and then replying with a joke answer probably originated during the Prohibition. To drink at a speakeasy, you'd have to knock on the door, and when asked, "Who's there?" provide a password. Things would get pretty silly if the patron entering was already drunk. It became something of a drinking game. But if you want to take it all the way back, Shakespeare invented the knock-knock joke. Check out this bit of a monolog from Macbeth:

Knock,
knock, knock! Who's there, i' the name of
Beelzebub? Here's a farmer, that hanged
himself on the expectation of plenty: come in
time; have napkins enow about you; here
you'll sweat for't.

Get it?

Watch this mom completely lose her marbles with joy when she finds out her daughter is pregnant.

0
0

Never in the history of time has a woman been more excited to find out she's becoming a grandmother. Ever, ever, ever. Posted on April 25 by America's Funniest Home Videos, this clip shows a young woman's mother completely losing her mind when she finds out her daughter is pregnant, entering an emotional trance in which she's only able to say "Oh my god," and sob. Her joy is almost palpable.

She says "Oh my god" 14 times in under a minute. Congratulations on your pregnancy, Lynn. Sorry, other future grandmas, there's no more excitement left; this mom used it all up. 

Checkers customer's bathroom discovery will gross out even the biggest fast food fan.

0
0

Stephen Staley recently went to the bathroom of a Checkers fast-food joint in Tennessee, WTHR reported, where he discovered a new trend in bath room decor: hamburger buns.

It should be pointed out that Staley, whose photos of the buns brought attention to this situation, works at McDonalds. Was this all a ploy, then? Nope, the bathroom buns were a real thing that happened, and Checkers even admitted it.

They're all clearly wrapped up, so it doesn't look like anyone decided to use the buns as toilet paper. That's good.

Since Staley discovered this avant-garde bathroom decoration over the weekend, Checkers tossed the buns. And, like a good corporation, they released an apologetic statement:

The buns were misplaced during a delivery at the franchise-operated Checkers location in Cleveland, Tennessee, on Saturday, April 23, 2016, and when discovered, they were immediately disposed of by the restaurant team. The buns were never served, and the employees involved in the delivery have been disciplined.

How are buns "misplaced" into a dingy bathroom? That doesn't quite make sense. Did someone, mistaking the toilet for a fridge and the sink for a stove, think the bathroom was a kitchen?

Checkers gets a pass on this one, though, since buns wrapped up in the bathroom are nowhere near as bad as buns on the floor.

Aagghhh.

Article 4


Shia LaBeouf doppelgänger punched in the face for looking like Shia LaBeouf.

0
0

According to The Cut, some guy attacked a man named Mario Licato in a New York subway station merely because Licato's face resembles the visage of infuriating actor Shia LaBeouf. The punch ended up throwing Licato down a set of stairs and knocking him unconscious, effectively ruining his day.

The real and presumably unharmed Shia LaBeouf.

"I was so confused," Licato told Gothamist. "I was even more confused because I got up and I was like, am I crazy or did I hear him say, 'This is because you look like Shia LaBeouf?;" A nearby couple confirmed that yes, his attacker felt Licato looked like Shia LaBeouf. 

This story gets even weirder: Licato doesn't look that much like Shia LaBeouf.

Sure, in this close-up of his messed up face he does, because scruffy beard:

In other photos, there's sort of a resemblance:

Hbd tall man. @conorchampley

A photo posted by Mario Licato (@mariolicato) on

#prouddaddy @alexissunshine @rmh31285

A photo posted by Mario Licato (@mariolicato) on

Hey guys Washington is making me v manly. See ya later

A photo posted by Mario Licato (@mariolicato) on

If anything, Licato is more Charlie from Girls than Sam from Transformers. Licato, though, insists that LaBeouf is his doppelgänger. He said he's been told "so many times" that he looks like actor/artist and has even been stopped in the street "at least 10 times." OK fine, Licato can claim LaBeouf as his celebrity look-a-like.

Twitter users are standing in solidarity by comparing themselves to cheesecake, the ultimate standard of beauty.

0
0

#CompareYourselfToACheesecake is the new Twitter trend that is making everyone say, "Um, I guess I kind of see it?" Users began posting side-by-side images of cheesecakes (specifically, cheesecakes which they are chromatically similar to) after user 2 Pump Chump compared a woman's dress to the dessert. Twitter took the picture to be an insult and promptly unleashed its insatiable, reactionary fury on him. Here's the original tweet.

User dog mom retorted with a comparison of her own, and then created the hashtag that's going to get the Cheesecake Factory a surge of customers tonight.

As the Twitter rage began brewing, 2 Pump Chump tried to explain himself.

But it was too late. Here are just a handful of the responses that followed.

Meanwhile, The Cheesecake Factory has still not capitalized on this trend and is having a #CheesecakeChat about all the wrong foods right now.

How does The Cheesecake Factory expect to raise revenue this quarter with Happy Hour Hot Dogs? Jesus pie-eating Christ, Cheesecake Factory. Get back to the basics.

Guy gets a FaceTime request from his own laptop, is pleasantly surprised when he answers.

0
0

A guy got a FaceTime request from his own laptop, which is like a high-tech version of that "The Call Is Coming from Inside The House" horror trope. But luckily for Redditor BoyceCart, the result was cute rather than horrifying.

BoyceCart posted this pic with the headline, "I was slightly surprised to receive an incoming FaceTime from my own laptop." Behold the cute reveal:

"Hello" - Kitty

How did this happen? Was the computer left open and the cat happened to stroke his paw on the right key? Did Kitty intuit the computer's communicative abilities? Did a human press the button and make the cat do the talking? Is this all a lie to get us to fear cats?

Another day, another Internet cat, another mystery. 

Miley Cyrus got a new tattoo of what she believes to be Jupiter. It's not Jupiter.

0
0

Singer Miley Cyrus posted a photo on Instagram featuring a new tattoo she got of a planet she calls "#lilbbjupiter" in the caption. This is that picture. But that planet is not Jupiter. It's Saturn. Oh, Miley.

permaaaa skinnnnn arrrrrttttt by daaaa mosssst bad a$$ @laurenwinzer 🍄🦄🍕🐸🌻💕 #lilbbjupiter

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

Miley, Miley, Miley. (Please read those words accompanied by a disappointed head-shaking.) And yet, this is not even the dumbest thing she's done this year.

Chris Christie spotted swaying with religious joy at Bruce Springsteen concert.

0
0

Chris Christie may or may not have been held hostage by Donald Trump, but he has certainly found the place where he feels the most free. Christie humbly surrendered himself to The Boss at a Bruce Springsteen concert Monday night, letting his soul be free as he Dad Danced down The River.

Someone else in the audience spotted him literally in a transcendental, meditative trance.

Fellow Springsteen fans caught Christie showing off his repertoire of dance moves.

1. The Fist Pump (He is from Jersey, after all)

2. The Air Drumming

3. The Rigorous Lip Syncing

4. The Shake and Clap

Christie loves Springsteen so much, it must have killed him when The Boss blasted him for Bridgegate. 

You won't recognize Neil Patrick Harris on the set of 'A Series of Unfortunate Events.'

0
0

When you binged Lemony Snicket'sA Series of Unfortunate Events in 1999, did you picture the iconic villain to have the face of Neil Patrick Harris? No, you pictured this guy: 

That's not Neil Patrick Harris. It can't be. Because it's so perfectly Count Olaf. 

This is Neil Patrick Harris.

And this is Count Olaf.

And yet, somehow, you're to believe they're the same person.

What a filthy shirt.

Netflix has apparently started production for the new series, which they reportedly signed onto in November 2014 for a projected 13 episodes. This is the first foray onto the screen for Olaf and the three Baudelaire orphans, though:

Jim Carrey played Olaf in the 2004 film.

Carrey's version has a respectable 72% on Rotten Tomatoes, but the new series will hopefully have a better chance at capturing details from all 13 beloved novels than did the feature film. If NPH is adding "scary villain" to his resume, does that now make him a quadruple threat?

Irish pagan society delivers amazingly Irish rebuke to racist and homophobic American pagans.

0
0

An Irish pagan society told off a racist, homophobic couple looking to get married by a member of its clergy, and it made its rejoinder in the most Irish possible way. It's the feel-good story about pagans you didn't know you were waiting for. This screenshot that started it all is pretty great, but the way they doubled down on it is what makes it amazing.

Actually pronounced "Feck oof."

The screenshot of the exchange comes from Pagan Federation Ireland's Facebook page, which also shared a further email exchange from someone involved with the racist couple's organization:

S. Fenner xxxxxx@outlook.com 00:16 (8 hours ago) Hello,

I am writing to determine if the Pagan Federatiin of Ireland truly supports all Pagan paths, as stated on your website. Image recently received the attached screenshot of a query by an Odinist. (Attached below) Could you please advise us as to if this is indeed the attitude of your organization towards what are known as traditional folkish Heathens?

Best regards, S. Fenner

---

Pagan Federation Ireland <paganfederationireland@gmail.com>
08:19 (0 minutes ago)

Hello Senna,

Pagan Federation Ireland operates a zero tolerance approach
to racism and homophobia, both of which were abundantly clear
in the initial communication.

Your values, as stated here on your website - https://odinia.org/what-are-values/ 
- are incompatible with ours.

If your religious beliefs or practices incorporate either racism or
homophobia, then you will not find a home here.

As you seem to wish to make some sort of political issue
of this, might we suggest the following:

Screenshots are so very amateur,
and prone to being disbelieved.

For a proven donation of €10 to any Irish Pagan organisation,
not necessarily ourselves, or to the Native Woodland Trust -http://www.nativewoodlandtrust.ie/en/,
we will send you a signed copy of the statement on headed notepaper.

Laminated if you wish.

We will also send you permission to distribute the letter,
in its complete form only, as widely as you wish.

The €10 will cover two copies of the letter,
one of which we will have framed and put on the office
wall, lest we ever forget.

Yours most sincerely

Pagan Federation Ireland

There must worship trees in Ireland, because they're casting so much shade. Ha ha ha, but seriously, please worship Ra, the Egyptian sun god.


If 'Game of Thrones' happened on Snapchat—Season 6, Episode 1 recap: 'The Red Woman.'

0
0

This Sunday saw the return of Game of Thrones to HBO, and with it, the return of Game of Thrones on social media. But what about the social network that's even younger than the show itself, Snapchat? What would this super-serious show about grizzled, grimacing anti-heros look like in the world of puppy licks and rainbow vomit? Here, in one combined YouTube video followed by each part on its own, is Someecards' exclusive Snapchat recap of Season 6, Episode 1 of Game of Thrones, "The Red Woman":

1. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (1/12, Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

2. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (2/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

3. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (3/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A photo posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

4. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (4/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A photo posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

5. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (5/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

6. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (6/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

7. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (7/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

8. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (8/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

9. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (9/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

10. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (10/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

11. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (11/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

12. 

If 'Game of Thrones' was on Snapchat. Season 6, Episode 1. (12/12. Spoilers, duh.)

A video posted by Johnny McNulty (@thejohnnymcnulty) on

This was also Someecards editor Johnny McNulty's exclusive attempt to learn Snapchat. So if you enjoyed this, congratulations: it can only get better from here.

A whole bunch of dads lined up to give kids high-fives before they took state exams.

0
0

Recently, a group of fathers lined up outside McWillie Elementary School in Jackson, Mississippi to cheer on and motivate students who were about to take state exams. While these kids might find this super embarrassing in a few years, right now, there is nothing cooler than giving your dear old dad a high-five before going to class, subliminally getting those strong "make your old man proud" vibes. The fathers belong to a group called "WATCH D.O.G.S," or "Dads Of Great Students," which is a national safe-school initiative.

Fredrick Nolan, who is the coordinator for Jackson Public School's WATCH D.O.G.S. program, said, "We know that when parents step up they do better, but when dads step up, they do exponentially better." He went on to say, "We're trying to encourage not only the students, but the fathers to come in and make a bigger investment in our scholars education." 

Reportedly, they went on to do the same at all the elementary and middle schools in the Jackson Public School District. Go dads! 

Therapists anonymously open up about the funniest and most moving things patients ever said.

0
0

Apparently, therapists and psychiatrists also go online, and even these professionals can't resist throwing their anecdotes into the fray for upvotes. Below are highlights from several incredible AskReddit threads asking mental health workers to share stories from their patients. Most of the responses are from two threads that ask psychiatrists or psychologists to share "the most profound and insightful comments" they've heard in the line of work. Many of them also made clear that they had changed enough details to keep anyone from identifying patients. Enjoy, and hopefully you don't realize yours is the psychologist who goes by the username Dr. PonerBenis.

Keep talking, I'm definitely going to get Reddit gold for this.

1. Especial-K turned a client's most devastating memory into the most cathartic, hysterical moment. Almost completely on accident.

I met with a woman whose fiancee died a few weeks prior to our first appointment. As you might expect, She was absolutely devastated. More so, because, as it turned out he had suffered a massive aneurism and died while they were having sex. On top of that, he had just proposed to her after over a decade of courtship. As she told me her story, described the taste of his vomit in her mouth, how helpless she felt, how guilty she felt for his death, her inability to save him, and the crystalline clarity of it all frozen in a one terrifying tableau, I found myself wondering what kind of man he had been. She felt so guilty about it all...because in her mind she had killed him. I asked her about him...she said he had been a biker, and she, his "biker babe." In her eyes he had been larger than life, a gentle giant who wore his heart on his sleeve...a man who always tried to live in the moment...Now I was a young therapist then, and not a particularly skilled one at that...but in that moment, thinking about the juxtaposition of her own memory of that night and the kind of guy her fiancée had been, I felt a great sense of discord. I said, "knowing your fiancée, can you think of any other way he would have wanted to have died?" She looked at me for a moment, shocked I think (so was I actually), and bursted out into gales of laughter. I mean gales...perhaps a bit hysterical at first but when she finally stopped there was a twinkle in her eyes. She said, "After he proposed I told him I was going to fuck his brains out."

2. One psychologist explained the most astounding condition he ever treated.

The 8-year-old who thought he was a screwdriver -- and spent all day every day twirling.

Not even age specific.

Icecreammachine had an amusing diagnosis—

This condition is called "being eight years old".

3. Stumpedtown even has an image to share with the world.

Psychiatric nurse practitioner here. I have an excellent one, a drawing a patient with schizophrenia gave me one day -

http://i.imgur.com/IoZGC.jpg

edit: i'm very glad so many of you appreciate this.

2nd: thanks for the gold, anonymous redditor. :)

3rd: scanned it in for those who would like a higher quality look - you can see he drew it on the back of a superman logo coloring sheet, and the masking tape from hanging it on a window facing outward:

http://i.imgur.com/sUvQm.jpg

4. One mental health worker has a beautiful story of friendship and candy.

I've told this story before but it had a huge impact on my outlook of life. I used to work at a group home for adults with mental disabilities. One woman in particular was just a genuine angel. Always positive, outgoing, friendly, hard-working, and just absolutely a pleasure to be around. One time we were at the store and these two teenage boys started laughing at her and whispering loudly about the retard. I was getting furious but she just turned to me and asked if I wanted a bag of skittles. When we left the store I mentioned how well she handled herself. She just looked over at me and grinned and said: "I could see you getting mad. I thought maybe skittles would make you feel better." She's got a far better grasp of how to live than I ever will.

EDIT: Thanks for the gold kind stranger! I declined the offer of the skittles. She worked very hard for a tiny paycheck each month but it made the gesture that much more thoughtful.

"I could see you getting mad. I thought maybe skittles would make you feel better."

5. Noeledmundsbeard shared a patient's perhaps perceptive perspective.

I was interviewing a bi-polar patient. I asked him how he would describe himself: "an altruistic lover of truth and beauty". I then asked him how others would describe him: "bit of a cunt probably".

6. As to the most profound thing he or she had ever heard from someone with a mental illness, yougotafriend responded, tragically:

I'm a recovery specialist, and one time my client said..

"I guess I missed the transition from when the ground was lava and imaginary friends became schizophrenia"

That broke my heart.

The floor should always be lava no matter the age.

7. UnidentifiableReason​explained a teenager's interesting take on inspiration.

"It doesn't take talent to practice."

Therapist here, I was working with a defiant teenager and sports was his only outlet. He had big dreams of being in a professional league but knew he was horrible at it. I thought his statement was really inspiring. I think about it often when trying new things.

8. A mental health worker called phatzdomino posted something funny overheard in the hallways.

"She forgot to bring my headphones and I'm the one who's crazy!"

Yelled by a psych ward patient at the end of visiting hours. His wife brought him an iPod and forgot the headphones. Everyone laughed - patients, visitors, staff. The goodbyes that night were a little less sad for a change.

The headphones are everything.

9. Frannyglasss should have used her real name, because this comment is a very appealing reason to go see her.

Been in the field for a few years now...people diagnosed with mental illness are some of the most brilliant and misunderstood individuals in our society. I have seen profound moments of insight, from people who self-harm describing the way they feel like a sponge and absorb the world's pain, to straight up geniuses who just couldn't find socially acceptable ways to contribute to the world. Many of them are bursting at the seams with incredibly complex world views, creative expression, and truly original perspectives, but often lack the ability or support to thrive.

It's a real shame we don't have more respect for our 'mentally ill' fellow humans. I am convinced they hold keys that could radically impact our societies for the better.

Edit: I often feel like I am walking on sacred ground when working with my clients. They know and feel and see so much more than I ever have. I feel so grateful to be able to learn from them.

10.​ JaeVentura972 had a patient give what amounts to a blameless, backhanded compliment.

"I like you Jace, I don't care what my voices say about you," said by a client with schizoaffective disorder.

11. And one client's insightful comments to Vump about "Lord of the Rings" led to a learning moment.

One of my clients had paranoid schizophrenia and he was recovering from yet another in a long string of hospitalizations due to a significant psychotic episode.

We were sitting together quietly, and there was a lull in the conversation. He suddenly looked up, and said "Hey... you know Lord of the Rings? Did you ever think that those books might actually be prophecy?"

I said "No, I don't think they are. They are really interesting and enjoyable, but they are just made-up stories. Professor Tolkien even said so himself."

He seemed to mull over this for a few moments and said "Yeah, you're probably right. Sometimes I wonder about things like that, but I have paranoid schizophrenia."

Often times we talk about an individual's "reality testing", which describes an individual's ability to reconcile their inner beliefs with their outer experience. People with poor reality testing (due to psychosis, for example) will often have distorted beliefs about the rest of the world... it was great to see a moment of real clarity and self-awareness through this guy's frequent fog of struggle. He's a pretty talented musician too, and that seemed to give him a great deal of relief.

And here's a bonus, from the aforementioned username Dr. PonerBenis, explaining what psychologists and psychiatrists are really writing in their notebooks.

Psychiatrist here! normally people will just be jotting notes about what the patient says so they can remember it later in the conversation, after the visit, or at the next visit.

I'm actually not but this is what people do when they take notes.

Your psychologist or psychiatrist would certainly apologize if you saw your story on here, but take heart that his or hers was in the right place. Your story could help others. Plus, think of all the upvotes.

Article 138

Best man swallows bride's ring at the ceremony, tells gut-churning story of its retrieval.

0
0

Over on Reddit, a best man by the username of Jack_Shitlord shared a wedding disaster that should probably be a movie staring Jason Statham, because it's that intense. It all began when Jack (let's call him that for short) fancied himself a jokester and toyed around with the bride's ring. And then out of nowhere, fate intervened and Jack swallowed the ring, as he explained on the TIFU (Today I Fucked Up) subreddit.

The bride's reaction at realizing what the best man had done.

Sit tight and read all of Jack's bumpy (read: physically and emotionally painful) story:

Doing this TIFU to blow off steam. Title is pretty self-explanatory, but here's what happened.

I'm the best man for my best friend, let's call him Doug. Doug and I have been friends forever, since middle school, and we have a very long history of pranking each other. Went to the same college, were roommates, constantly messing with each other, to the point where I got slightly paranoid for a while--any car door handle might have guacamole underneath it, any email might have porn attached, etc. Harmless stuff, but it's always been a part of our friendship.

Fast forward ten years to this past weekend, at Doug and his fiancee's 300 person wedding. Big church, religious ceremony, the whole nine. He gives me the ring to hold when we're waiting in the wings--I'm supposed to keep it in my pocket. We were up drinking pretty late, last night as a free man style, and we're all jittery and a little hungover on top of the wedding nerves, so Doug whispers to be careful with it. Weirdly, I've been nervous about this part of the ceremony the whole weekend, envisioning fumbling and dropping the ring into a crack in the ground or something, so in retrospect this must have struck some kind of chord in my dumbfuck psyche. Combine that with my foggy hangover brain and the reflexive act of messing with Doug built up over twenty+ years, and without thinking I put the ring in my mouth.

I could immediately see this was inappropriate and unfunny, but I sort of stood my ground for a second, hoping the tension would crack and we'd get a laugh out of it. But Doug just kept mouthing wtf wtf, so I moved to take it out of my mouth. And as I did, I had one of those half-barf hiccup-belches, and I involuntarily swallowed.

If I'd had a gun right then, I swear to God, I would have blown my head off, and he could have picked the ring out of my throat. I just stood there, white as a ghost, and he knew what had happened. Long story short, or maybe I just don't want to recount the next few hours, but the show went on, and we did this weird thing where I pretended to hand him the ring and he pretended to put it on the bride's finger (the bride was utterly crushed, btw). They were officially married, but are going to redo the whole deal in a private ceremony next month. The best part is I've been sifting through my feces for the last two days, and the really best part is that, due to a combination of stress and rich wedding weekend food/boozing, I'm completely constipated. My days are now spent pooping into a wire mesh thing called a speci pan, carefully picking apart these dense little shame turds to find my (possibly former) best friend's 8k wedding ring. Fucking kill me.

TLDR: Tried to prank my friend by putting the bride's ring in mouth, swallowed it, am trying to poop it out.

ETA: Wow, thanks for the gold! Makes this whole thing seem worth it (not really, but helps). And depending on what happens, maybe I can gift it to the wife in place of the ring!

Jack sifting through his poop, finding nothing but a horror scene.

According to Jack, he didn't attempt to barf the ring up because the incident "happened the moment before we were escorted out into the church and no one had their wits about them enough to press pause and send me to the bathroom." He explained that, "By the time it was over it seemed like the puke it up window had closed, and I had already resigned myself to pooping it out, though in retrospect I should have tried." So Jack stoppered up his toilet and has been going at it. "The toilet is unspeakable," he wrote.

Fortunately for Jack, this nightmare is over. In two updates, Jack concluded his tale as the worst best man ever:

Update 1: Just went to the doctor. I wasn't going to update and just move on with my stupid life, but there's been such a response, I feel obligated. Plus, the doctor was pretty funny. Young asian woman (not relevant, just setting the scene), totally serious through the whole check-up, doesn't smile at the story or anything, does the x-ray. At the very end of the appointment, she's going through a list of what I should do when it passes, and she says, "I also recommend ______ Pawn on Broadway." No smile, totally dry delivery, leaves the office. Amazing.

Anyway, apparently the ring was nearly out, so she just recommended staying the course and a light laxative if needed. Will update when the deed is done! 

Jack on day three of shitting his brains out.

Finally, after four days, Jack can relax and his friend's ring can breathe fresh air once more:

Update 2: The deed is done. This is as close to feeling like a proud new mother as I will probably ever get. I am thankful that Doug's wife is a very petite woman, because I could see a larger version of this thing doing some real damage. Oddly, it kind of came out on its own, relatively unpoopy. After a cleaning with scalding hot water and a peroxide bath, you would never know it had been through a grown man's lower GI. Am looking into autoclave or professional sterilization services.

It remains to be seen if the wife will want it, or if I'm on the hook for another. Sent Doug a text informing him of events, and he wrote back the following: "Lol that is great, glad your (sic) okay. Will tell _____. Talk to you in a week or so." Will update with exciting conclusion. For now, I am relieved and moving on with my life, including flushing the toilet for the first time in four days. Thanks for all the advice, good wishes, and even the insults.

Jack every single day during this arduous process.

Please, Jack, for the sake of everyone who has read this story, get that ring sterilized. Three times should be safe. 

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images