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Mom's Taylor Swift parody makes parenting look even more exhausting than being Taylor Swift.

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A mom made a parody of Taylor Swift's song "Wildest Dreams," so let's compare the two: Swift dreams about being a movie star in 1950s Africa. This mom dreams about peeing with no one else around, having any money, and seeing other adults. So, they're both basically total fantasies. "A mom can dream," she sings.

A mom can dream if she manages to get any sleep, that is.


Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are splitting up, according to incoherent, mumbling sources (them).

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Heavy metal fans and reality TV fans, be prepared for heartbreak—"Prince of Darkness" Ozzy and ("Princess of Darkness"?) Sharon Osbourne have announced that they're getting divorced after over 33 years of marriage. According to E!, the former Black Sabbath singer, 67, and his former manager (now co-host of The Talk) wife Sharon, 63, mutually agreed that Ozzy would move out of the house. Which he did, and he has now taken up residence in the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Apparently, the couple that wears sunglasses does not stay together. 

Ozzy and Sharon got married in 1982, and they've raised three kids—Kelly, 31, and Jack, 30, who appeared with them on their "reality" show, The Osbournes, and Aimee, 33, who declined to part of that whole circus.

What caused this rift in metal's royal couple? It's certainly not news that they've had their share of problems, especially with Ozzy's addiction issues. In 2013, rumors started that the couple was divorcing, which Sharon said were "distorted," while admitting on The Talk, "There's always a little seed of truth to everything that gets reported." But according to an insider (maybe one of their many dogs?) Ozzy has been sober for over three years now.

The Sun says it's because of something else entirely—Sharon suspects Ozzy of cheating on her with Michelle Pugh, a 45-year-old "rock obsessed celebrity hairstylist" at Los Angeles salon Meche. She even claims to have proof. Oof.

The source told The Sun:

Sharon went ballistic with Ozzy and accused him of having the affair. She said she had suspected something had been going on for some time and now had proof. People are wondering whether Sharon went through Ozzy’s phone before accusing him. She has done that before but in the past she was checking if he’d been using drugs. Ozzy was extremely sheepish and admitted being close to Michelle. It is likely Sharon has discovered calls and possibly meetings.

Ugh, no, why, Ozzy, why? Can Ozzy even function without Sharon there, helping translate his random mumbling for other people and steering him back towards the light when he wanders into, say, a broom closet? Will he lapse back into drinking and drug use (fingers crossed, no no no)? Is Ozzy even capable of having an actual affair? Not to be mean, but how "rock-obsessed" does a person have to be to have an affair with Ozzy Osbourne? What's the end game there? And how will their dogs take the news? Probably ruff.

These celebritiess wore crazy Kentucky Derby hats, because they need a lot of attention.

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The 142nd annual Kentucky Derby was this Saturday. Sticking with tradition, mint juleps were flowing, life savings were gambled away, and most importantly, the ladies were decked out in fancy hats. Here are some celebrity Derby fashions that were so fun, you'll almost forget about glue factories. 

1. Megyn Kelly

Donald Trump said she had hats coming out of her wherever.

2. Bethany Frankel

Consuming all of her calories for the day.

3. Gayle King

If your Grandma's hat is missing, check with Oprah's BFF.

4. Star Jones' dog.

Oh yeah, and Star Jones was there too.

5. Johnny Weir 

No little My Little Ponies were harmed in the making of this hat. 

6. Tanya Tucker

Outfit so sad, she's needs to write a country song about it.

7. Mira Sorvino

Dressed for the funerals of the horses who didn't win.

8. Tara Lapinski

She won the gold medal for figure skating, not accessorizing.

9. Rachel McCord

Aspiring actress or human Direct TV receiver?

10. Kate Upton

This outfit's almost as bland as her personality.

11. Lindsey Vonn

If you dated Tiger Woods, you'd want to hide under a big hat too.

12. Mary Wilson of The Supremes

She was clearly drinking when she picked this out. 

13. J. D. Shelburne and girlfriend Amy Whitham

Fun Fact: This guy always has where he's going bedazzled on his clothes.

The country singer became the highlight of the red carpet when he proposed to his girlfriend. Thankfully, she said yes, or that would've been really awkward.

Joey Fatone wasn't wearing a hat, but with this weak celeb turnout, he was still the biggest star there.

His mom's curtains went bye bye-bye to make this suit.

Get ready to be transfixed by this marble-and-magnet Rube Goldberg machine.

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On April 6, a YouTuber who goes by the name kaplamino uploaded a video of a fairly complex Rube Goldberg machine-like contraption, consisting of thin Kapla blocks, a bunch of marbles, and some strategically placed magnets. The whole thing is pretty mind-boggling.

The four minute long video went viral after appearing on the front page of Reddit on Monday, and it's been viewed almost 50,000 times. Kaplamino posted a comment on his video which reads:

Reddit front page ... wow Oo

I know this thing isn't a real "Rube Goldberg" because it was not taken in a single shot. I tried but it was almost impossible because tricks with magnets are really unpredictable. But if you think you can do it, please try and send me the video ^^

Ah and yes it's a tilted table and I used spaghetti !

Seriously guys thank you so much ...

Now I'm going to count the "you have a long table" comments ;)

If you liked that video (of course you did), waste some more of your precious time by watching some of Kaplamino's other videos.

For Mother's Day, the Kardashians celebrated their mom Kris Jenner in a way even you have to admit is cute.

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The Kardashians go all-out for everything—they're probably getting lasered while wearing Balmain as you read this—and for Kim Kardashian, Mother's Day was apparently no exception. But the rest of the Kardashian children teamed up to surprise family matriarch Kris Jenner in a surprisingly low-key way: matching T-shirts.

Happy Mothers Day

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Like the band, KISS. Get it? Because Kourtney probably spent like 40 minutes explaining it to the rest of them.

Tobey Maguire graciously congratulates the new Spider-Man with a meme on Instagram.

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Tobey Maguire, a frequent muse for meme creators, posted a fan-made Tobey Maguire meme on Instagram to congratulate the new Spider-Man actor, Tom Holland, on his performance in Captain America: Civil War.

Haha seriously, who made this? @tomholland2013 good job! You are great as Spider-Man. Keep it up!

A video posted by mrtobeymaguire (@mrtobeymaguire) on

Maguire, the Spider-Man many fans grew up with, has now seen the Spidey suit passed down to two actors and has been gracious about it both times. He even interviewed Andrew Garfield about taking over the first Spider-Man reboot in 2012.

If you were hoping Maguire was weeping in the back of the theater while seeing these new Spider-Man movies, many apologies, because he is not. But here he is tearing up anyway for your enjoyment.

Birthday

Irish politican Alan Torbin thinks these 10 dog breeds are ‘dangerous' and people are pissed.

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On Sunday, an Irish politician named Alan Tobin pissed off a whole bunch of dog lovers and pet owners on Facebook after he posted a photo of a sign that warns the public of certain "dangerous breeds of dogs." In the post, Tobin expressed his enthusiasm for the dog sign that he requested to be placed all around the county of Meath, Ireland.

As a dog owner I'm absolutely delighted that signs I've asked for, with pictures, showing the dangerous breeds of dogs...

Posted by Alan Tobin on Sunday, May 8, 2016

Tobin captioned:

As a dog owner I'm absolutely delighted that signs I've asked for, with pictures, showing the dangerous breeds of dogs have been erected over the past week. It still amazes me that some people think these dogs are ideal family pets.

There are a total of 10 dog breeds featured on the list:

1. American Pit Bull Terrier 
2. Rhodesian Ridgeback 
3. Bull Mastiff 
4. Doberman Pinscher 
5. Staffordshire Bull Terrier 
6. Rottweiler 
7. German Shepherd 
8. English Bull Terrier 
9. Japanese Akita 
10. Japanese Tosa

The sign states that the dogs mentioned on the list should be muzzled or leashed, they should wear a collar with the owner's name and address written on it, and they must be handled by someone over the age of 16.

Needless to say, the politician's post received a ton of negative reactions from across the globe.

Many people echoed that comment to "Punish the deed, not the breed!" It means that any dog is capable of doing something bad unless they're trained. One shouldn't assume that every dog of that breed is going to cause injury due to one pup's misconduct.

Several users also shared photos of their own dogs who happen to be on the list of dogs that Tobin finds vicious.

In the immense sea of hate that is this politician's FB post, it is really difficult to find any positive feedback for the politician's dog sign. But people did have some alternative suggestions:

You just can't hate on certain dog breeds, post it on social media, and get away with it. Doesn't Tobin know that adorable puppy (and kitten) videos make up roughly 93% of the Internet? He's just asking for trouble. 

Tobin: 0, Dogs: 1 x infinity.


Snoop Dogg does not have a will, but he explains that it's for a very good reason.

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Snoop Dogg told Business Insider on Tuesday that he does not have a will because he gives zero f**ks, plus he has plans for his reincarnation. He was asked about his estate after the news that the late Prince did not have a will for his purple empire.

That's the look of a man who gives no f**ks about death.

Snoop's reasoning is very sound:

I don’t give a f**k when I’m dead. What am I gonna give a f**k about? This goin’ on while I’m gone, you know?

While he doesn't care what happens to his money, he'd still enjoy watching it in the afterlife:

Hopefully, I’m a butterfly. I come back and fly around and look at all these motherf**kers fighting over my money and sh*t, like, 'Look at all these dumb motherf**kers. Ha!' 

Snoop would make a great butterfly, but he also thinks he could pass for an animal that would be a logical fit:

Who did this to me 😂😬😂✨💫🌟

A photo posted by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on

It will be fairly easy to determine which form Snoop takes on after being reincarnated. Just look for the animal or insect with a blunt hanging out of its mouth. 

Workplace

Meghan Trainor pulls 'Me Too' music video after being photoshopped into absurd proportions.

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Meghan Trainor, that young woman who won't stop making those insanely catchy pop songs, shared an enlightening Snapchat following the release of the music video for her song "Me Too." Confirming what some know is already true about music videos, Trainor announced that people behind her video photoshopped the crap out of her against her wishes. Listen to Trainor talk about her bomb, non-photoshopped waist and her plans to re-release the video.

Meghan Trainor is kind of endearing, no? 

After her Snapchat session, Trainor and her healthy ribs chatted with Andy Cohen, while Chloë Moretz nodded to everything she said. Cohen shared a screenshot of the photoshopped video, in which Meghan Trainor appears to have a Kardashian butt with a waist the size of Kristen Bell's pinky.

Trainor is right: her waist is bomb without all that weird Photoshopping.

Her photoshopped body is a Frankensteinian creation of celebrity parts.

That's pretty much the only look you'll be getting at the photoshopped version of the video, except for this truly sketchy clip that doesn't reveal Trainor's fake waist.

Is that someone's hair draped over the screen? Ick.

Expert secret-keepers Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling have already welcomed, named their second baby.

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It seems like just yesterday sources found out Eva Mendes was pregnant with her second child. Either the baby daddy, 35-year-old Ryan Gosling, is a Twilight vampire who caused a very fast pregnancy or the couple is great at keeping secrets because Mendes already gave birth. LAST MONTH. According to TMZ, 42-year-old Mendes popped out another little girl on April 29. 

Look at that coy smile. That's the face of someone who isn't afraid to deceive her people.

Since this baby girl has been in the world for nearly two weeks, her name is already known. Unlike the couple's 20-month-old baby Esmeralda, this name is not linked to any Disney movies.

Traitors to their fans.

The second perfect Gosling-Mendes baby is named Amada Lee Gosling. Amada, not Amanda. The name is of Spanish origin and means beloved, or so says Babynames.com. It's also Esmeralda's middle name. 

Please, Eva Mendes, appease your people and give the world a glimpse of at least one of these babies.

The newest viral Instagram sensation is "smoothie art," which is the most millennial trend ever.

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Feast your eyes on this "smoothie art" from Instagram user Alison Grisé Wu. Grisé Wu combines different color palettes and textures to create these delicious-looking edible art pieces, and the Internet is impressed. So far, she has garnered about fifteen thousand Instagram followers, and those numbers are rapidly climbing

A coconut, goji, mango, kale, blueberry, blackberry rainbow this Saturday morning. 🌈 #WuHaus

A photo posted by alison grisé wu (@alison__wu) on

Back on the grind. Lots of spirulina, coconut and kiwi to wash away the weekend. #WuHaus

A photo posted by alison grisé wu (@alison__wu) on

Because it's Friday and you guys asked for it, the pink ombré smoothie with coconut nice cream swirl on top. #WuHaus

A photo posted by alison grisé wu (@alison__wu) on

According to Delish, Grisé Wu began making the picturesque smoothies when she was given a Vitamix blender from her grandmother as a wedding gift. She claims that the trick to getting a beautiful, layered smoothie is to start with a strong, creamy base. She makes something called "coconut nice cream," where she combines frozen coconut meat with nut milk to achieve an almost ice-cream-like consistency that's ideal for layering. The goal, it would seem, is to make your beverage look like one of those sand-art things they have kids make at camp.

If I were a smoothie, I'd be this pastel layered one. Coconut-Strawberry-Blue Algae-Blueberry. #WuHaus

A photo posted by alison grisé wu (@alison__wu) on

 

Even though Grisé Wu's aesthetically pleasing smoothies boast many different shades and hues, she claims to never use artificial coloring. Instead, she depends on things like berries, matcha powder, herbs and other natural ingredients to achieve the right color for her smoothies. She does admit, however, that it is not always easy. 

Pick a color or two you want to showcase, and play around with how you could achieve them. The purple smoothie wasn't coming out right, so I added a strawberry to make it more like I imagined. Sometimes I feel like a mad scientist in the kitchen, pouring things into bowls to get the right colors.

If you want to make your own labor-intense smoothies, Grisé Wu puts up her recipes on her website. You will, however, need a steady hand and a crapload of whatever "spirulina" is. 

Bright and early with these açaí, coconut and kale-spirulina smoothie parfaits. #WuHaus

A photo posted by alison grisé wu (@alison__wu) on

Cyndi Lauper and James Corden sing 'Girls Just Want Equal Funds,' an easy, awesome pun.

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Cyndi Lauper appeared on The Late Late Show Monday night to promote her new album, and sang an updated version of her greatest hit (sorry, "Time After Time.") Adapting "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" into "Girls Just Want Equal Funds," she updated the girl power anthem, likely inspired by the many Etsy needlepoints that say "Girls Just Want to Have Fun(damental Human Rights)." 

Instead of singing about daddy dear still being number one, Lauper addresses issues facing women in the workplace and representation in Hollywood, but don't worry, it's still fun and catchy. 

Come for the iconic dance beat, stay for Corden in a pink wig. 

Chrissy Teigen took public breastfeeding to a new level by doing it topless on Snapchat.

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Model and new mom Chrissy Teigen has not been shy about putting her new mom breasts in the spotlight since giving birth. On Monday, the 30-year-old snapchatted a quick video of herself breastfeeding her baby Luna Simone during a photoshoot. Oh and by the way, she's topless. Teigen, not the baby. Well, maybe the baby, too, who knows. Not to sexualize breastfeeding, because breastfeeding is good and natural and the actual reason women have breasts. But still. Chrissy Teigen snapchatted herself breastfeeding topless

There are no hats in this picture, ladies. Get it together.

In the snap, a woman behind her has unzipped whatever clothing Teigen was wearing, while the wee babe rests on one of those breastfeeding pillow/shelf things. The text reads "Christine wears many hats," which must be referring to the woman behind her helping out with the clothing adjustment (unless Teigen has taken to referring to herself in third person, and calling herself by her full name).

Sure, some people will spend a lot of time focusing on the sideboob in this photo, but the best part of the snap is actually Luna Simone's tiny little white baby socks on her on her teeny little baby feet on the ends of her skinny little baby chicken legs. Look at 'em. You could easily fit both those feet in your mouth, if you were so inclined. 


21 horror stories from the deep, dark depths of public transportation.

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While public transportation is in theory incredibly convenient and good for the Earth or whatever, the reality is that more often than not a ride on public transport is like living out a scene from a dystopian film where Jennifer Lawrence doesn't save the day. It's not only about dingy subway cars and delays. Shady stuff is going down on public transport. 

You in about 60 seconds.

These 21 stories from several differentRedditthreads confirm what most people already know: public transportation is the nexus of disgusting, creepy scenes. Continue on for lots of barf, drugs, and sex.

1. SaddestClown will never know what this was all about.

I once saw an argument escalate until one guy stabbed the other with the smallest blade on the smallest Swiss army knife I've ever seen. Best part was the guy that got stabbed telling everyone not to worry because he deserved it and they were settling an argument. They got off the bus together and walked off in the same direction so who knows.

2. StickleyMan's passengers were used to this sight. That's the unsettling part.

I once saw a homeless guy in Chicago play 30 seconds of "When the Saints Go Marching in" on a trumpet and then proceed to drop his pants and take a massive dump in the middle of the El. Thing is, half the people on the train didn't even flinch.

3. Shteenz didn't have it that bad until the very last moment.

This guy probably around forty years old for on the bus in a superman suit. Cape, foam muscles, tights, the whole nine yards. He then sits next to me, opens his backpack, which is filled to the brim with JUST oranges. oranges. I turn away for a moment, glance back at him disgusted, and he starts crying and rubbing an orange on my shoulder furiously.

It was awful.

4. Not everyone appreciated this sight as much as nerdiculous, for obvious reasons.

There was a quite fashionably dressed man coming out of the metro in Paris in high heels, stockings, and a nice flowy skirt. He then proceeded to hike up said skirt, grabbed a carrot from his bag and proceeded to committed a brutal act of autosodomy for all the world to see. My girlfriend was not as impressed as I was when I drew her attention to this act of public self-love.

That poor carrot.

5. Did Otternator mind? Clearly it didn't matter.

A few years ago, on a bus in Edinburgh heading home through a slightly dodgy area. There's only a couple people on the upstairs deck - myself, a teenage boy with headphones on, and an old lady minding her own business. A guy gets on, maybe 30ish, total chav wearing a tracksuit etc, wanders to the back of the upstairs deck. I start to smell something weird - nothing I could identify, just weird and kind of nice in a chemically way. I turn around and so does the old lady. Chav guy is lighting his crack pipe, makes eye contact with old lady first and says, very politely "Oh I'm sorry hen, It's just ma crack. Hope ye dinnae mind." Proceeds to smoke his crack for rest of journey.

6. No, greyexpectations, that doesn't sound like it's a cultural thing anywhere.

I saw a guy with a huge bleeding gash in his arm, almost from shoulder to elbow. If he was in half as much pain as it looked like, he wasn't showing it; he just boarded the bus, sat down and listened to his iPod. No one else seemed to notice or care that much. (This was in Dublin, Ireland, shortly after I'd moved there from the US, and I'd wondered if it was just a cultural thing that I didn't get yet.)

7. Ajaxdrivingschool saw two guys simply sharing their knowledge.

Recently while on the bus, I overheard two guys behind me compare notes on how they ended up in prison for running a meth lab. Apperently, they both paid people to buy the legal maxium of the ingredients that go into meth, and got caught when their buyers got scared and told the police what happend.

8. FuzzyManPeach let her commuters know what she was thinking in a subtle way.

I'm a bus driver.

It was my second day on the job and I was driving late at night (11pm-ish). The only people on my bus were a massive, beefy looking couple sitting at the very back, she was giving him head and not being shy about it.

Me, being a small unassuming chick half their size who's awful at confrontation just let it happen. I hit every pothole.

9. This guy's scary ride ended up OK.

My first time in New York City, I get on the subway with my friends and a tough looking guy with 3 tear drop tattoos (often meaning you have killed people/went to jail/are in a gang/etc.) gets on and sits across from us. He stares at us for a minute with this indescribable anger in his eye. He looks to his left and looks to his right as though he is checking for witnesses. Coast is clear. Me and my friends are shitting ourselves thinking we're about to get mugged/beaten up. Instead, he nods at us, reaches in to his backpack, and takes out a copy of Twilight: New Moon. Evidently the movie was coming out soon and he wanted to make sure he finished the book before going to see it.

That was a nice story. Thanks for sharing.

10. Madstar learned from this mistake, as everyone should.

This happened to me a couple years ago. I was coming home from work on the subway and I went to take an available seat. Someone left a newspaper on the seat and I didn't think much of it, so I just sat on it. About 10 minutes later I decided I wanted to read the paper, so I went to grab the paper that I was sitting on and realized that it was on top of something cold and wet.

I was sitting on a pile of vomit covered with a flimsy newspaper. I had puke all over my ass and hand. It was fucking disgusting.

I now carry "WetOnes" in my backpack at all times. 

11. Crystal_Bacon saw someone eat their fruit with all they had.

On the underground in London and this old homeless guy gets on. He goes and sits in the middle of the carriage and pulls out the biggest banana you've ever seen. So he peels it down about half way then shoves it down his neck, like full, porno deep-throating. Then to top it off, he starts to look around and find eye contact with everyone. Just staring at you, deep into your soul whist he goes to town on this banana.

tl;dr Old Homeless guy has his way with banana

12. Lalv91 rode with someone who didn't mind sharing germs.

I saw one stranger fall asleep on another stranger on the metro in Paris. The sleeping guy had half a sandwich in his hand so the other guy just took it out of his hand and started eating it. The guy sleeping woke up to find this random stranger eating his sandwich and was just like "What the fuck, that's my sandwich" and they had a big argument about it because the guy wanted it as compensation for being slept on.

13. Crash11b learned about home remedies.

I was in the Army stationed out in Hawaii and took the bus back to base one drunken morning. At one of the stops, an old man with wild hair (think Einstein) got on the bus and sat next to me. A few minutes later he slowly reached into a paper beg and pulled out a cottage cheese container. He pulled the lid off and just stared inside for a minute. He reached in and removed something that looked like an octopus head. It was gray, mottled and slimy and then he proceeded to rub it on his bare forearm. Everyone on the bus was staring at him in surprise and disgust. He stared at his arm for another minute, replaced whatever it was in the plastic container, and returned it to his bag. He never said a word and got off a few stops later. It was weird.

14. This person walked away with a memento.

On the way to San Fran from Los Angeles, a homeless man walked up to me and offered to sell me a UFO for 5 bucks. I was worried he'd try to sell me a bag of shit or something, but instead he pulls out a finely crafted disc made of tinfoil.

For 5 bucks, totally worth it.

15. BionicPseunami was served up a tough question.

A sizable minority of people on the DC Metro could seriously pass as Batman villains. For example, a couple of weeks ago, an elderly man wearing a jacket covered in question marks got onto the train, sat next to me, and said, "What has a mouth, but doesn't speak, and a bed, but doesn't sleep?" I didn't know what to say, so he replied, "A river." He got off at the next stop and went into the next car to do the same thing to someone else.

TL;DR Met the Riddler on the Metro.

16. Like a trooper, Alerion_ stayed on board.

Fist fight between two bus drivers. They just randomly stopped in the middle of one of the most important streets in the city, and went to beat the shit out of each other. A couple minutes later, with bloody noses, shirts, and ripped sleeves, back in the driver's seat and on with the routine.

Take me home, damn it! Oh, and yes, like half the bus decided they didn't want this guy driving them to work/home. They got off.

17. Hopefully pumper911 got the job, to make this day have a more positive ending.

I was going to a job interview right outside of Boston about 7 years ago. It was in the middle of the day and a reverse commute (going from Boston to a place outside of Boston) so nobody was really on the train.

Approaching the last stop and it was just myself and one other guy. The dude proceeds to wrap a belt around his arm, inject himself with something and basically just passes out on the train. I called the conductor.

18. Graphicsideas doesn't understand how much some people love pizza.

Seattle Metro bus (49 on Broadway): two drunk, disheveled women board the bus holding a pizza. They are extremely proud to have this pizza, and offer some to the bus driver (he politely declines). They then go on to explain that they got the pizza by bartering with a homeless man who had found it in the trash. The women start eating the pizza on the bus, when the bus hits a bump. The pizza falls onto the dirty bus floor, cheese side down, making a huge mess. Then, the women scrape the pizza off of the bus floor, and continue to eat it. They eat this pizza in the most disgusting way possible, peeling it off the bus floor, getting it all over their faces, hair, and clothes.

I watched this whole scene thinking that I was on some sort of prank or hidden camera TV show...it was just too ridiculous to really be happening. But no, it was really happening. I just tried my best not to laugh. OM NOM NOM PIZZA OMG SCARFF!

Nothing tastes like pizza with bus floor as a topping.

19. Uglyhag learned to trust no one on the subway.

I live in NY, so I'm plenty used to older men following me or flashing me on the subway. After a while, you get really adept at evading creepers. The worst experience I ever had was my freshman year, though. This girl, who looked to be about my age, was struggling to get her baby carriage over the gap onto the train. I helped her and ended up offering her my seat. We chatted and she asked where I went to school, what I did, etc. She kept pointing at completely unassuming men and saying, "That guy looks creepy. We girls have to stick together." I thought it was weird, but I knew that it was easy to be paranoid, so I figured she was just being over-cautious because of her baby or something.

After a while, I got up to transfer at my stop and said good-bye. She stood up and said, "Hey! Us girls have to stick together!" and straight-up started to follow me. This is when I knew something was really off about this girl. Despite there being no gap at this station, she insisted that I help her with the baby carriage getting off the train. When I leaned down to lift the front, I realized that there was a plastic baby doll in the seat.

At this point, I freaked out at tried to lose her by weaving in and out of people at the station, but it was pretty empty and I couldn't find a police officer anywhere. She was pretty much sprinting after me at this point. Eventually I found a big group of guys who looked pretty young, so I ran up to them and said "Hey! I've been looking for you everywhere!" I mouthed out "help me" and they immediately reacted. One put his arm around my shoulders and led me up to the MTA booth, where they stayed with me until a police officer walked by. But by then, crazy baby doll girl was gone.

TL;DR: Don't assume someone isn't batshit crazy just because they're a young girl with a baby carriage. For all you know, the baby is fake and she'll chase you through an empty subway station screaming like a banshee.

20. It's only fair that stimbus pay for the entertainment.

I was at a bus station in Champagne IL back in the late 90's. It was around midnight and I was switching buses. A woman walked in and asked if they had a bathroom. They told her to leave since she had been there earlier causing trouble. She just dropped her paints and took a dump right there. Then she demanded $50 from all the people around her that watched her do it.

21. OracleFinancialsNerd delivers with the grossest story that has about every type of bodily fluid.

Probably the nastiest thing I've ever seen was on public transit; about seven years ago on the Max train in Portland heading out towards Gresham from downtown.

I got on the Max a bit after midnight at the Pioneer Square station and found a seat at the front of a car opposite two woman who were dressed like they were heading home after a night working retail. At the same stop, at the last moment, a woman got on the opposite side door and made her way to the far back of the car and sat down alone facing us. Her face was pretty ragged but she had youthful clothes and for some reason I thought she was younger than the used-up fifty or older that she looked.

"And THAT'S why we don't do meth" said one of the ladies next to me, just loud enough to be overheard by the other. It wasn't a criticism, it sounded more...concerned. I could tell she wanted to say something, but the raggedy woman in the back leaned her head against the wall and closed her sallow eyes.

Just moments after the train started moving the woman in the back opened her eyes, leaned forward and said "Hey mister, you want a twenty-dollar blow job? I need to earn some money quick. You'll like it."

I started to stammer out a refusal, not really knowing how to respond.

"He's with us honey, don't be pinching our sugar." Said the woman closest to me, as she leaned over and put her hand on my knee.

The methstitute looked from her to me for a moment and then just shrugged. "High class," she said with a bit of longing, "must be nice." Then she leaned back again and closed her eyes. She didn't so much as move for the next two stops.

When we got to the Rose Quarter transit mall a wirey guy was standing on the platform staring in the windows of the train with his hand over his eyes. A few moments after the train stopped he strolled into our car and dropped unceremoniously into the seat next to the woman in the back. The dude couldn't stop moving, bouncing his leg or scratching at his back, or twisting his neck from side to side. He looked like a dirty hobo mixed with a clone of Jay and Silent Bob blended together. Long dark coat, ratty jeans, white tanktop and white high-top sneakers. His hair was straight and long and you could have wrung about a quart of grease out of it without much effort.

"How much money did you bring me baby?" he asked her in a thick slavic/eastern european accent as soon as the doors closed. "You'd better have been a good puppy tonight."

"I didn't get no money daddy. I don't feel good. My tum-tum hurts daddy" she replied in a high-pitch baby-talk.

In a split-second reaction so fast I missed it in a blink he grabbed her by the neck and yanked her ear right next to his lips and started screaming at her "what do you mean you didn't get NO MONEY!?!"

I started to lean forward, to...I don't know what, but the woman next to me put her hand on my leg again and showed me her cell phone in her lap. It was already dialing and she put it to her ear. She had a short conversation, laughing that they were on the train towards the next station, and laughed at the other person on the line. Pleasant as church on Sunday.

By this time the pimp had relaxed a little and the woman was cuddled up to him, cooing at him. He stood up and pulled her to her feet.

"Daddy doesn't know if you're putting out your best stuff puppy. Daddy needs to see if you're still his best girl."

Without a word she hiked her dress up around her waist and leaned over the seat in front of her. Then he proceded to unzip his pants and bury himself into her violently from behind. What proceeded was several minutes of the least sexy sex in the history of genitals touching genitals. The prostitute was making facial expressions that were truly horrific, like a drunk woman leaning on the railing of a ship in rough water.

"Do you like that bitch? Do you LIKE THAT?" he yelled at her as I felt the train braking to stop at the next station.

Her face was not making that "O" face. "No Daddy...Daddy...you need to..."

And then her eyes opened as wide as they could go and there was this horrible splashing noise, like someone dumping a bucket of water and soaked sponges on the floor. The pimp jumped back about five feet, clear across the train. He was absolutely covered from navel to shoes in liquid shit. He was just standing there screaming in horror.

At that moment the train braked to a full stop and the pimp lost his balance and his feet slid out from under him; he landed in a wet splat, legs spread out, in a giant puddle of liquid excrement. Dude started to cry like a little kid.

The doors slid open and a Tri-Met cop dashed into the car, he got a few feet towards the couple and the sight and smell hit him at the same time. He started laughing and puking simultaneously.

About three seconds after that the smell got to our end of the car. Both of the women next to me dry heaved. I made it out of the train to the landing, and then doubled over and left my dinner in a puddle at the feet of another tri-met cop. She looked at me, at the two women trying to get off the train and puking at the same time and she took a step back.

"What the FUCK happened in there?" she asked, police officer voice kicking in.

I wanted to warn her, but the imagery caught up to me again and I started to giggle uncontrollably. So did the women next to me.

I had to retell that story about 20 times to various detectives, tri-met cops, tri-met PR people, Portland PD, and one judge in Multnomah County. Somehow it just never gets old.

Everything about that was a nightmare.

Disgruntled mom leaves note for the man with a lawn mower who ruined her Mother's Day by doing his job.

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Reddit user blubase keeps lawns pretty for a living and was simply doing his job on Mother's Day when he received a note on some appropriate stationary. No one likes waking up to the noise of a lawn mower, but doesn't everyone appreciate the scene of freshly-mown grass on a Sunday morning? Not this mom, apparently.

Do you hate mothers that much that you had to come here at 8 o'clock to cut the grass and trim on Mother's Day Sunday! 
Have some respect!
Thanks all I wanted for Mother's Day was sleep along with every other mom on this universe!
-Angry Mom

Meow, indeed.

Salem supports this mom and her Mother's Day vendetta.

While some may think this momma deserves praise for putting her thoughts out there, it's important to take a few things into consideration. Blubase explained that he found the note not in his windshield, but inside his truck. That means the fierce mother snuck into the workers' vehicle. That's dedication to criticizing. 

A mother with a mission cannot be stopped.

Plus, the mom was slightly exaggerating if you ask blubase

on top of that I looked at the time sheet and we got there at 8:47am. Far from too early. Their noise regulations permit 7:30 at the earliest. So fuck me for giving you a nice lawn to BBQ on.

If her identity is discovered, this mom is going to have a hard time getting her lawn mowed in the future.

Last but not least, blubase didn't exactly have a great time either that morning.

You think we want to wake up at 5:30am just to mow a patchy shit lawn? I permanently work weekends. I have to be out of the shop with my truck by 6am. Believe me I'd like to mow lawns at 2pm on a Tuesday and be stupid drunk with friends on saturday night but that's not when I was scheduled.

Everyone forgets that lawn crews hate their jobs too. No one wants to weed whip pebbles into their eyes, nose, and lips. No one wants to get on a loud ass mower at 7am. No one wants to breath in dust clouds of sand and grass clippings. No one wants to do any of it but someone has to do it. And for $22/h you can't really bite the hand that feeds.

Now don't you feel bad for hating early morning landscapers? A teensy-tiny bit, at least?

People shared stories of the oddest ways they ever vomited. Unsurprisingly, it got gross.

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You know how hearing or seeing someone vomit can actually trigger your own nausea? Luckily, that never happens when just reading about an up-chuck. Well, hopefully it doesn't. Here are some of the most extraordinary vom-stories, taken from a few soaking, chunkyAskReddit threads. Good luck.

Her hair is getting dangerously close to the inside of the toilet.

1. ChorroVon explains why sometimes you should try to eat sushi in two separate bites.

Sushi restaurant with a coworker having lunch. I sneezed and caused a piece of wasabi to fly into my sinus cavity. My pain threshold was almost instantly maxed out and I ended up spewing yellowtail all over the table in front of me. From an outside perspective it looked something like this.

ACHOO!

Ah! AH! AAAAH!!

HOOOOOORK!

And as you turn around to looks you see a loudly crying and vomiting man trying to get up and get to the restroom as fast as possible.

It's always seemed unfair that you have to shove the entire piece of sushi in your mouth to eat it.

Sushi train is leaving (your stomach) and approaching the station (as vomit).

Is throwing up at the table actually less rude than laughing in the face of sushi-etiquette? Smaller bites for greater safety, everyone.

2. Imposter24 made his throw up do the slinky trick.

Either:

  • The top of the stairs, so it cascaded to the bottom like a magnificent pungent waterfall
  • My best friend's shoes

You know, the slinky trick:

Imagine this, but with slimy vomit.

Or picture Alex Mack as her goo alter ego sliding down the stairs.

3. You might think LH44Gooner's story is cruel, but—well, yeah. It's cruel. 

On a man in a wheelchair, while at Seaworld.

But this guy's comment in crueler:

Was he in the splash zone?

4. Wsumommy probably should have moved away.

As a teenager, I used to walk to work in a very small town. I threw up on the sidewalk, and I had to walk by it for months before the sparse summer rains washed it away. It was to late, the acid had burned a mark in the sidewalk, and I had to see the outline everytime I walked by there. .. for years.

Imagine being haunted by your own vomit every time you took a walk. Usually that's only the case when you're hung over.

Haunted vomit, visualized.

5. IamBZ is either a liar or the most interesting vomiter in the world.

Got sick and puked on both the Great Wall of China and Machu Picchu, but probably the most inappropriate was over the side of a boat on to a great white shark.

Is it sad that I saw this thread and thought, "oh I got this one!"

He doesn't usually vomit, but when he does, it's on a shark's f***ing face.

6. This guy turned an all-you-can-eat buffet into an all-you-already-ate slopfest.

Here's me in 4th grade: chubby, cocky, and hungry 24/7. Due to how much I ate, my mom often took me to buffets. I didn't mind, I was fat, hungry and shameless. After about 4 stuffed plates, I went back for dessert. I was right in the middle of the buffet where all the food was. I take one bite of this yogurt concoction in a fancy glass cup, and I immediately started explosively vomiting all over the place. On the floor, on the food, on the shoes of mine, and others. It was terrible. My mom heard the vomiting groans I was making, grabbed my wrist, and pulled my outside to the car, while the whole restaurant was rushing out with us. It was glorious.

Gotta think it looked something like this:

But with dozens of people, not one glorious lizard.

7. Brospehgordanlevitt makes the list for his popularization of the term "hand bombed."

Worst place: Puked in a bathroom sink at a house party. The sink was right beside the toilet... I had to hand bomb the puke into the toilet and clean the sink for it to go unnoticed.
"Best" place: New years, years ago, the countdown was reaching one. I felt an unsettling feeling in my stomach and had only a freshly empty beer cup in hand. I put my lips to the cup as if to drink, and filled it right to the rim with my tummy-beer. Into the trash it went, and back to the party I joined.

It's no doubt a useful term to have in the personal lexicon.

8. Thtstz's wife turned some finger paintings into some experimental performance art.

No me but my wife, we were looking at childcare centers when she just took Ill and projectile vomited up a classroom wall where the kids had their artwork displayed.

So creative. Great art. Worth thousands. Said one commenter:

Everyone's a critic.

9. Not sure why they threw him out; elomretep was just making it rain.

On/over a couple in the smoking area of the club I was thrown out of shortly afterwards. There's nothing like somebody else's vomit on your shoulder to spoil your evening.

Like Drizzy, but with bodily fluids.

10. Now this is a game that no one should play. Because it is gross. 

One time after a long night of drinking, one of my buddies and I found a four square court in a parking lot. We decided to play puke-square (in other words we just each puked in a square) We're weird....

11. And just in case you thought you weren't going to learn something today, there's this from HotHandsHanon:

Not me, but one of my buddies in college, whilst on a party bus, got the urge. What else was there to do than puke in your boot, empty it out the window, and repeat as needed?

Different guy, different party bus. Turned his shirt into a hammock, puked in it, slid the shirt off his body, and threw it out the window.

I've seen a lot of puke.

Foolproof method. It's an elaboration on "hand bombed" that should be called "shoe bombed"—unless that's got some other connotation. In that case, you can just call this disgusting. 

Michelle Branch sent off Ted Cruz with a goodbye song far more charming than his campaign.

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'Lucifer in the flesh,' more commonly known by his stage name "Ted Cruz," bid farewell to the Republican race by triumphantly elbowing his wife in the face. While few actually mourn his candidacy, he leaves a hole in the hearts of comedians, for there were still so many jokes about him to be made. On Monday night's Full Frontal, Samantha Bee bid farewell to the melting candle of a man with an epic musical number, recruiting Michelle Branch of mid-2000s fame. Branch makes full use of the rhyming dictionary, rhyming "Cruz" with such apt words as "lose" and "ooze."

 Oh, Soup Ghoul, we hardly knew ye. 

Will Ferrell and his 'beef assistant' Ryan Gosling sold amazing Trump knives on 'Kimmel.'

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Will Ferrell and Ryan Gosling stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Monday to sell some knives, just like, according to Ferrell, they do every Monday night (they don't). Ferrell was intent on presenting "another slice of the Knife Guys," and argued with Kimmel about who was interrupting whom.

After getting the QVC style pitch started, Ferrell brought out his "beef assistant," beefcake Ryan Gosling (get it?). The men showcased their gold Trump knife, perfect for cutting up gold Trump steaks. Ferrell claimed the Trump knives were "sharp, like the man," and proceeded to barely be able to cut the steak at all with the seriously dull knife. Still, seems like a pretty good deal.

You can catch these guys some Mondays (never) on their Costco Road Show (doesn't exist, but really should).

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