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Article 36


Bette Midler jumps into the Azealia Banks Twitter controversy with a shot at Donald Trump. Nobody can feud like her.

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On Sunday, Bette Midler needled Twitter for suspending Azealia Banks' Twitter account for homophobic and racist remarks—but not because she supports Banks in any way. Banks' account was suspended after she went on a racist and homophobic rant against Zayn Malik of boy band One Direction. This was right around the time she got into another Twitter feud with Disney star Skai Jackson, which contributed to her suspension for violating Twitter's harassment policy.

Midler, who is a comedic gift on Twitter, raised an interesting question about Banks getting the boot:

Trump has not replied; though his official Twitter handle was also not tagged in the tweet. He would be foolish to feud with Bette Midler, because she is the wind beneath everyone's wings, regardless of political affiliation. 

There's no doubt that Trump has been quoted saying things that enrage people and are intended to be a stand against P.C. culture. And he has of course said some very hurtful and weird things on Twitter:

He will occasionally retweet or quote one of his followers after they say something awful:

He retweets such ludicrous things that someone even created a bot that tricked him into endorsing statements from dead dictators:

But he himself has not tweeted anything as directly racist and homophobic as Banks, because she was straight up using racial slurs in her tweets. So while Trump has not directly used any slurs, Midler is correct that he often endorses or retweets such things. 

But because it's Midler and she can do no wrong, the tie goes to her. Every time.

Woman's day at the beach ruined when she's taken to hospital with shark stuck in her arm.

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On Sunday, a 23-year-old woman in Boca Raton, FL was bitten in the arm by a 2-foot-long baby nurse shark that refused to let go, even after it died. According to witnesses, people were antagonizing the shark earlier in the water, doing mean stuff that only assholes do to animals. It's not clear if the woman had anything to do with that, why the shark chose to bite her after it had been riled up, and why it got so attached (oof, sorry) to her. Either way, it stuck to her arm and never gave up, even after a beachgoer killed it. That is some serious dedication. Respect.

Onlooker Nate Pachter, 11, who was snorkeling nearby with his cousin, told the Sun Sentinel he saw a group of people in the water "holding the shark by its tail. They were messing with it." This is why it's not a super smart idea to mess with sharks (besides the part where you're a jerk if you hurt an animal). Nate went on to explain, "Sharks are like the most humane thing ever. So it wouldn't bite them if they hadn't been messing with it." See? Nate is 11, and he knows this.

Boca Raton Fire and Rescue Captain Clint Tracy, who saw the newly formed woman-shark hybrid being put into an ambulance, told the newspaper, "I have never seen anything like it. Never even heard of anything like this." Clearly he has not spent hours on the Internet reading articles about sharks, because this is definitely a thing that happens, as evidenced by these Australian men who got bitten by sharks that wouldn't let go.

Nurse sharks can grow up to 14 feet in length. In case you care.

The woman, who was not identified, was taken the hospital, which is a little weird considering she had a (nurse) shark right there. The good news is that the woman was listed as stable condition. The bad news is that the shark is dead. Captain Tracy told CNN, "It's a shark that's been in our park for sometime. And although we have compassion for the victim we're also sad that the shark is not going to be there anymore." RIP shark. We hardly knew ye.

This guy's Tinder profile picture makes him look super hot and extremely irresponsible.

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Candlelight is really flattering and no one knows that better than this dude, whose Tinder profile picture shows him standing in front of a building that is completely on fire (bigger candle = more flattering). But it's okay, because, as his hat and his profile both indicate, he's actually a firefighter! Oh, but wait, he's supposed to be putting out that fire, right? Yikes.

On Sunday, Twitter user @HeyNikkkay tweeted a screenshot of the hot dude's Tinder profile, along with the text "bruh u gonna put that fire out," which, while not technically in question form, is a really good question. Maybe don't stop for a selfie right now, dude. Maybe get in there and do your job, and do it right. Don't make your potential dates wonder if you're going to take a break from oral sex to snap a selfie. It doesn't matter how cute you are. 

People shared the craziest things they ever saw go down at a supermarket. Try not to puke.

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Usually when crazy stuff goes down in the supermarket, you have to get real still and pretend you're shopping while you try to figure out what is going on.

Today, thanks to a forum asking Reddit users to share their craziest supermarket stories, everyone gets to hear about what really happened in the produce section, without fear that you'll be called to the witness stand. So sit back, relax, and read 15 of the most truly messed up tales with the knowledge that they've already cleaned everything up on aisle one.

1. PhoneAccountMan will never be able to catch the chicken zombie.

I'm a cashier, and this guy walks up to my counter with a full roast chicken. I glance at him and continue checking out the person in front of me. When I look back, he's gone. My manager comes sprinting up the aisle, picks up the chicken, shakes the container angrily and yells, "I KNEW IT, HE DID IT AGAIN."

I pull the container over and the guy had just taken a single bite out of the top of the chicken and left it. I have no idea how many times he's done it but apparently enough for my manager to recognize him.

2. Reirarei watched the most ill-fated con of all time.

Some lady shat herself in the meat department as a diversion while her buddy attempted to steal packs of polish sausage and deli meat in the midst of all the drama. They failed epically.

3. Pleasebeturtles will never understand this milk exchange.

I once saw somebody open a bottle of milk, sniff it and wrinkled her nose in disgust. then proceeded to pour the bit of milk she didn't like into another bottle and buy the first bottle.

4. Epfourteen witnessed some necessary ingenuity.

A homeless man living in the corner of the garden center at Walmart. He set up camp behind the industrial shelves. Stole a tent and was living there for a week. He was shoplifting all his supplies and food.

Got ballsy and stole a George Foreman grill and was cooking a steak at 2am. FD was called for smoke in the building and found him behind the shelves.

Was a pretty solid plan actually.

5. Scrivener83 will never have another Easter without remembering this.

You know how some people will pick up a chocolate bar or a can of Coke, and eat/drink it in the store, then give the poor cashier the garbage and pay for it at the cash? I saw someone doing that, but with a whole cooked ham. And not one of those little deli hams either, it was one of those 5 kg bastards they sell at Easter.

6. Listen- discovered another reason pregnant women love pickles.

My friend was pregnant with twins and was at Wegmans with our other friend... Her water broke in, of all places, the pickle aisle. She threw jars of pickles on the liquid to hide it, then left. She said she didn't really know why she did that. She freaked out and didn't want anyone to think she pissed herself, not thinking "I'm massively pregnant with twins and water breaking is an actual thing"

7. This guy saw what would happen if the peanut butter baby got addicted to meth.

While working at Walmart, I watched a woman grab a jar of organic peanut butter, smash the glass bottle on the ground, and use the shards to cut her face. After slicing the fuck out of her face she ran up to my stunned ass and asked to see a manager. I walkie'ed somebody over and the manager rushed her into the office while asking me to call 911.

Apparently she was an addict and jonesing hard. She figured the best thing to do was get hurt at Walmart so they would give her "a million dollars for pain and suffering". Shockingly enough, Walmart didn't pay out to the junkie that cut up her own face.

8. Lonelylonerness had his ten-year-old mind blown.

There was an old lady snacking on frozen chicken legs while pushing her cart around. She had wild semi dreaded grey hair, layers of earth colored dresses, and a hunchback. That blew my ten year old mind. She really was a witch.

9. Suitology saw a lawsuit in the making

woman took off her underwear, hiked up her skirt, shat in a pickle barrel by the deli, then called the manager to complain about "the weird pickle". her hope was to sue the store but while she was out of view of employees over a dozen customers saw it.

10. Shrekwvu has every reason to believe this fat guy was really just extremely backed up.

A fat guy hurried into the store, he was beat red and sweating profusely. He rushed up to the counter with a few bottles of extra strength laxative. As soon as I finished scanning them he started chugging them. He paid cash and I handed him his receipt and change. He burped and pushed the receipt and now empty bottles towards me and calmly walked out of the store.

11. NotParticularlyGood met the old lady voted least likely to smell like BO.

Old lady at Walmart just trying on deodorants and putting them back. Think she tried like 20 before she was satisfied to continue on without putting one in her cart.

12. Mariam67 will wash every tomato she eats for the rest of her life.

My mom saw a woman sneeze on the tomatoes and then take a picture of them. We're still baffled.

13. Milleribsen will forever be haunted by this pairing.

Once saw someone with a steak in their cart looking at riesling.

Imagine, riesling with steak. That person was insane.

14. TylerMcFluffBut will always be left wondering what happened to this child.

There was a woman at Target yelling at her 5 year old son for crying and embarassing [sic] her. I mean she was screaming things like "YOU RUINED MY LIFE, YOU LITTLE SHIT" etc... Luckily the manager told her to leave and called social services after she not-so-subtly threatened him.

15. And finally, earl_of_lem0ngrab watched a thief make a clean getaway.

Worked in a small local mini market. There was an assistant manager there that none of us liked. He was incompetent but really smarmy because his dad owned the company. One day a known shoplifter comes in so he tracks her on the cctv and sees her stash a bottle of expensive shampoo up her skirt. Delighted that he was going to catch her in the act and be a hero he immediately went to confront her. Before he got to her she had obviously felt something was up and put the shampoo back. When he confronted her and said he knew she was hiding something she whipped off her dress in one quick motion and stood there stark naked and challenged him to find the shampoo on her person. He looked simultaneously devastated and disgusted and told us afterwards that he could hear us all laughing in the security office from the shop floor!

Blake Lively just wants to get pooped on at Cannes, for some reason.

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Blake Lively, genetically perfect specimen, betrothed to the super f*cking charming Ryan Reynolds and pregnant with their second spawn, says she has a hard time getting lucky. What?

After a week of wearing stunning outfits and defending Woody Allen at Cannes, Lively took off to the Côte d'Azur and stared longingly at the seagulls.

They say it's good luck if a bird poops on your head. ...Clearly I have a hard time getting lucky. 😝😜

A photo posted by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

The caption reads: "They say it's good luck if a bird poops on your head. ...Clearly I have a hard time getting lucky."

Don't worry, people. Despite not getting pooped on, Lively is still managing to have a good time in paradise.

Because I need these glasses and earrings. Let's be honest.

A photo posted by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

She's showing off her sense of whimsy by getting whipped cream all over nail polish bottles.

Blake. Wuz. Here.

A photo posted by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

She's just so relatable.

When that horrible aunt facetimes her nephew to wish him a happy 13th birthday... like he cares. #FutureCatLady

A photo posted by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

Unexpected new couple Brienne and Tormund have 'Game of Thrones' fans absolutely swooning on Twitter.

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Lots of cool things happened on Game of Thrones last night, yadda yadda yadda, but okay you guys it's time to talk about how Tormund Giantsbane is horny as f*ck for Brienne of Tarth.

The giantsbane, smitten.

Though Brienne was last seen crushing on Jaime Lannister, Tormund looked at her all "I have TWO hands and I know how to use them," which hopefully is an irresistible offer to the maiden of the Sapphire Island. Also, in the books he brags about having sex with a bear—which are known to be almost as tall and fierce as Brienne. Of course, Brienne is the model of chivalry and will probably be put off by a bluntly horny wildling, but just forget that for a moment and help plan their wedding with the best of Twitter:

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Article 29


This kid's hand-drawn birthday card pretty much sums up life.

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Redditor Trai-harder posted a picture of a birthday card drawn by an 11-year-old that basically nails the general timeline of any person's time on Earth. Look at how the baby's expression of wonder changes to the typical adult countenance of anguish. That's one sad stick figure. Oh, and happy birthday! You're almost dead!

Caption

The text reads, "Life is a waterslide where you die at the end…" while the artwork depicts a baby becoming a man, and then becoming an old man with a cane. The artist has added a helpful "You are here" arrow to indicate that the lucky recipient of the card is very near the end of the waterslide. This kid is too young to be this aware of the trajectory of human life.

There's no info in Trai-harder's post about the kid who drew the card, or the person who received this wise and depressing message from the elementary school Grim Reaper. At least in this version, life is a waterslide (wheeeeee!) and not, say, a hellish trek through a barren desert. That interpretive artwork will come in about 20 more years.

Recent baby Courtney Stodden is maybe pregnant with her own baby. Maybe.

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According to RealityTea, celebrity child bride Courtney Stodden is pregnant with her first child (by husband Doug Hutchison)—and if it's on the internet, it has to be true. The site claims that she and Hutchison have already revealed the pregnancy to close friends and family (and the internet) via video.

Missed her chance to be a teen mom by 2 years.

On May 14, the gossip website wrote:

Just a week shy of their fifth wedding anniversary,Courtney sent out a video (which we were given exclusive access to via our source) to those close to her, sharing the moment she finds out she’s expecting. In the video dated May 11th, Doug is taping her in the bathroom as she waits for the pregnancy test results. Once she sees the double lines indicating "pregnant," she sits down and looks happy and scared. Doug asks her how she’s feeling and she says “a little overwhelmed.

It's not like a gossip site or tabloid magazine has ever falsely declared someone pregnant, so this seems super legit.

Actually, all joking aside, the couple have been trying for a baby. In October, Stodden, 21, was photographed buying a pregnancy test. The next day, she posted the test results (negative) on Instagram, with the caption "Not yet."

Stodden and Hutchison got married when she was only 16 years old and have been together 5 years. This would be their first child. If it exists. Which only time (and "sources") will tell.

The Hanson brothers sang an old-school jam and sounded just as glorious as they did in '97.

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You probably clicked the link to hear "MMM Bop," but sorry, this is a much different popular song. Zac, Taylor, and Isaac Hanson, the three brothers from the very blonde and very popular 90s band Hanson, sang the national anthem for a minor league baseball game this weekend, and did a much better job than a minor league baseball game deserved. 

Hanson Sings the Anthem

ICYMI: #DrillVille was treated to a spectacular rendition of the national anthem Friday night. Tulsa's own, Hanson, was in the house to start off a gorgeous night of baseball.

Posted by Tulsa Drillers Baseball on Friday, May 13, 2016

You probably aren't used to hearing these three sing after all their voices dropped, but the brothers' singing in three-part-harmony is just as glorious as it would have been back in '97. Spoiler alert: Taylor is still the hottest.

You either wanted one of the Hanson brothers, or wanted their hair.

If you were wondering what these three are up to besides singing the national anthem for the Tulsa Drillers, they also are brewing beer for their company MMMHops. No, that is not a joke.

Okay, you've read this far. Here's "MMM Bop."

Meteorologist who was forced to put on a sweater on live TV insists it wasn't sexism.

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On Saturday, KTLA Morning News meteorologist Liberté Chan was asked by a male co-anchor to put on a sweater during her weather report—not because she was predicting cold weather, but because she was wearing an arm-revealing tank dress. (Gasp! This woman has ARMS!) During the live broadcast, one of her coworkers handed her a gray cardigan, explaining that the station was "getting a lot of emails."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=RpYc0KqE0Co

Some people felt that the incident was an obvious illustration of sexism in the workplace, but as Chan herself explains: nope, those people were wrong.

After the video went viral and a lot of people got angry about a man asking his female coworker to cover up live on air, Chan wrote a blog post addressing the situation. She clarified that it wasn't the station that asked her to put on the sweater, it was just her co-worker (and all the people emailing the station because a woman's bare arms were fouling up their television screens). She explained: "I was simply playing along with my co-anchor’s joke, and if you’ve ever watched the morning show, you know we poke fun at each other all the time."

In Chan's words,

During the 8am hour, my co-anchor came over and handed me a sweater and said, “we’re getting a lot of emails.” I was surprised since I hadn’t seen any of the emails and didn’t think there was anything that inappropriate (the beads/sequins were probably a little much for the morning, but what girl doesn’t like something that sparkles?!), so I played along and put on the sweater.

Chan had actually planned to wear another dress, but the parts of the pattern blended in with the green screen behind her, so the beaded dress was a back-up plan.

Even after Chan's explanation, a lot of folks are still pissed, and took to Twitter using the hashtag #sweatergate to share their thoughts.

So calm down, everyone, this definitely wasn't a case of real sexism, it was just playful sexism. Um, wait.

This 17-year-old's vintage-inspired photos will make you wonder where she got her time machine.

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In case you missed it, Audrey Hepburn posted a selfie on Instagram about a week ago. 

OK, that's obviously not the real Audrey Hepburn, but this girl definitely has the Audrey Hepburn look nailed down. With a little bit of makeup and the proper garments, 17-year-old Annelies Maria Francine (BewitchedQuills on Instagram) transforms herself into famous, timeless beauties from the past.

Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks.

Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind.

Elisabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice.

Vermeer's Girl with a Pearl Earring.

Anne Frank.

💕 #AnneFrank

A photo posted by Annelies van Overbeek (@bewitchedquills) on

Twiggy.

Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby.

Princess Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Snow White.

Don't bite the apple! 🍎 I love Snow White 💕 #snowwhite #disneyprincess #disney #snowwhitecosplay #topvintagemodel

A photo posted by Annelies van Overbeek (@bewitchedquills) on

Flapper-inspired look.

Edwardian outfit.

From Elisabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice to Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind, this Belgian teen definitely can recreate some vintage-inspired looks. But what does she normally look like? Basically, Annelies still looks like a famous person without attempting to look like a famous person.

She must've been biologically engineered in an underground lab by some crazed scientist who managed to fuse together DNA from these renowned actresses and bring forth Annelies into this mundane world. Or she's just a shape-shifter. Look out, Mystique.

Guy's comparison photo of his Burger King hot dog with its ad pulls back the curtain on reality.

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Out of all the people to go viral for ordering a Burger King hot dog, it had to be a guy with the username Jared_from_SUBWAY. Redditor Jared_from_SUBWAY (note: not the actual Jared) shared the disappointing sight of his BK dog online. Your reaction to this picture might remind you of how you felt when you found out about actual Jared.

Average response to Subway Jared, and this hot dog.

Here's a comparison of an ad versus the actual dog:

No, that's not barf. It's beef, which Jared_from_SUBWAY actually ate. "It was bad. I ate about 80% of it," he wrote. That's 80 percent too much. The Redditor described the hot dog as being "burnt" with "congealed" cheese.

People reacted online with like-minded revulsion. ks501 had the perfect comparison:

that's like getting a mail order bride, seeing a great picture, but she shows up dead

What

epfourteen identifies with the hot dog:

Top picture. : how I pictured my life going.

Bottom picture : what my life actually looks like.

ailaMonster knows exactly what the hot dog tastes like:

You can really taste the dirty microwave these were made in.

is

Quillies shed some crucial light on this monster dog:

I work at Burger King and this is definitely not the norm. I've tried the hot dogs and I actually thought they were surprisingly good. Someone must have been having a terrible day in that kitchen.

All these comments make you wonder: what possessed Jared_from_SUBWAY to eat that hot dog?

that?

"I ate it in shame," Jared_from_SUBWAY wrote. Ashamed Subway Jared eating bad food? Yep, checks out.

16 wedding traditions that survived in spite of their totally outlandish origins.

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As anyone who has ever planned or attended a wedding knows, there are many elements that people include without thinking twice about them. Unless a wedding is completely bucking tradition, things like bridesmaids' dresses and bouquets are standard parts of the affair that help create a romantic scene. Romance, though, wasn't exactly the reason why these nice little wedding staples came into being. 

"Dearest husband, did you remember to invite anyone who isn't a lecherous old man?"

For many, many years, love was not necessarily the basis of marriage, which means that a crap ton of wedding traditions have ulterior motives. Here are 16 examples of wedding traditions that sound much less cute when you know the story behind them (unless you think evil spirits sound nice).

1. The wedding ring.

The tradition of the ring came about for a few reasons. At one point, wedding rings were made of things like grass, with the purpose of warding off bad spirits. Obviously, grass doesn't last long, thus prompting a switch to more permanent materials that doubled as symbol of love/ownership. Mostly ownership. Much like today, rings were a status symbol even back in Ancient Egypt.

"Thank you for this ring. Now let's never speak again."

2. The engagement ring.

In the 13th century, Pope Innocent III (what a name) decreed that his people must observe a period of waiting between betrothal and marriage, which led to women sporting engagement rings so men would know they were unavailable and to stop hitting on them (as if that ever worked).

"Try again when you've got a better ring. Or face."

3. Left hand, third finger.

The third finger on the left hand is the finger people check to see if that cute guy at the bar is single all because of an Egyptian belief that the finger had a vein running straight to the heart. In Medieval times, people thought of the third finger as following in the Holy Trinity (thumb=Father, index finger=Son, middle finger=Holy Ghost).  

"Can you see it? Can you see my ring? Should I move my hand up more?"

4. The word "bride."

The term bride comes from the Proto-Germanic "bruthiz," which means a married woman. Breaking it down further, the root "bru" boils down to "to cook, brew, make broth." Marriage is literally rooted in sexism, associating women with cooking.

"Here's to being an unpaid cook for the rest of your life."

5. The job of groomsmen.

In less civil days long before modern inventions like Tinder, marriage by kidnapping was a thing. In fact, this is one potential source of the wedding ring, in that the ring may have begun as an imitation of chains and fetters.

That's too depressing, so just acknowledge the fact that groomsmen used to serve as quasi-knights. They'd help kidnap a bride and defend her from other suitors/people who wanted her back, like her family. The best man was, of course, the best man at stabbing suitors.

"Don't you agree that kidnapping is the best way to start a life together??"

6. Bride: left, groom: right.

In a follow-up to that whole "I kidnapped you, let's get married" thing, grooms started standing to the right of brides in order to leave their right hands free. Because right hands were sword hands, and swords are good for fending off suitors.

"We are all doing a good job of looking happy."

7. Bouquets and boutonnieres (those flowers on suit jackets). 

Bouquets are a now a necessary part of weddings because they're pretty and flowers are helpful for masking the scent of fear sweat. Back in the day, brides and those in the wedding party held things like garlic and herbs in an effort to ward off evil spirits.

"We've got the flowers, we've got the veil. Anything we're missing?"

It wasn't until the 19th century that brides were more keen on carrying actual flowers, which to this day are still meant to symbolize various things like fertility and love. Tossing the bouquet grew from the good luck connected to the herbs/flowers. Over time, good luck came to mean getting married next, which is oddly regressive.

8. Something old, something new.

The old rhyme demanding that a bride wear something old, new, borrowed, and blue comes from an English rhyme that included all of the above in addition to sporting a sixpence in her shoe. The blue relates to virtue, a symbol deriving from the Virgin Mary. The other four aspects promote continuity and future good luck. Another, more fun explanation is that the new and old combat evil spirits (so many uninvited evil spirits want to crash weddings), while the borrowed object protects against infertility.

"Don't tell anyone, but he's my something borrowed."

9. The wedding party's outfits.

Developing from the role of witnesses in Roman times, groomsmen and bridesmaids dress like the bride and groom to confuse evil spirits. Those darn evil spirits are always trying to get in the way. The thinking was that the similar costumes would confuse anyone who might want to curse the lucky couple.

"Please don't touch me, you fiendish look-a-likes."

10. Avoiding each other before the wedding ceremony.

There are a few notions behind this superstition. Let's go from least to most interesting. One idea is that brides didn't see their fiancés that often before marriage (because arranged marriages). Forgoing a peek at the bride made it harder to decide you hate that person and don't want to marry them. Plus, unveiling the bride's face at the very last second is dramatic.

Marriage is also a symbol of a new life, so a bride seeing the groom mixes the old and new, which taints the purity of the bride. Even the bride taking at look at herself is somewhat taboo, thus showing that everything about this superstition is silly because what bride doesn't want to look at herself?

"Guys, be honest because I can't look: how's my hair?"

11. The bridal veil.

Bridal veils are so functional. For some cultures, like in Ancient Rome, veils were later used as burial shrouds. In other places, they had the obvious use of hiding a bride's face in an arranged marriage. Veils are also good for hiding a bride from, yup, evil spirits. 

"Stop telling me this veil looks like a bed sheet. It wasn't funny the first time."

12. The wedding cake.

Dating back to the good old Roman times, wedding cakes were about more than the sugar high. Wheat and barley symbolized fertility. To send the couple on their merry way of procreating, guests would crumble up cake and toss it on the bride's head, thereby totally ruining her hair. The couple would also eat some too, so it wasn't all a waste.

"You mean we baked all these cakes just to have people crumble them up? Fuck that."

13. Tossing the garter.

When marriage was more heavily tied to the idea of property ownership, making sure a lady was pure before banging her husband was important. So, checking a woman's stockings post-mating was a good way of making sure the deed was done.

Then there was a separate tradition of wedding guests tearing off a piece of the bride's outfit for good luck for themselves, which makes sense because if she's gotten hitched, a bride has made it past many evil spirits. Over time, these activities turned into a bride throwing her garter.

"Top prize to whoever can find my garter under all these layers."

14. Carrying the bride into the home.

Evil spirits. Turns out being carried over an entrance is a great way to avoid those pesky spirits.

"Please evil spirits, take me now."

15. Shoes hanging off the getaway vehicle.

As any person who has rocked a nice pair of heels knows, shoes are power. In ancient times, shoes were widely seen as representing power, and a symbolic passing of the bride's shoes to her new husband by her father represented a shift in ownership. Later, in Tudor times, people started throwing shoes at the couple for good luck.

"No, get lower, really capture my shoes at their best angle."

Since that was a crappy tradition, it evolved so that shoes were tied to the backs of the car that the couple left the reception in. Bonus: shoes make noise, which evil spirits don't like. That also explains the popularity of cans on the back of cars. And loud noises are fun at parties.

16. The ​honeymoon.

Evil spirits. Actually, no, honeymoons relate to that other thing marriages were all about: kidnapping. Honeymoons were a great time to get to know that lady you just kidnapped, and stash her away from anyone trying to find her.

"My knees are sore." "That's what she said." "Is it too late to cancel this thing?"

Even if you didn't steal your bride, honeymoons were—and still are—a chance to get drunk and loosen up sexually in order to make some babies.


16 students who trolled their high school yearbooks with hilarious quotes.

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A high school was recently forced to recall all its yearbooks after noticing that a slightly inappropriate quote submitted by a senior somehow got past their keen eyes. Whoops!

Nice to know that teens are still getting quote ideas from bathroom stall graffiti.

But tons of teens get away with quotes like these each year. Here are 16 heroes doing their part to make high school yearbooks great less boring again.

1. Yeah, we get it.

Is that what the expression "take it on the chin" actually means?

2. His parents must be so proud.

*Tugs on collar Rodney Dangerfield style*

3. Probably just a Freudian slip.

Relax, it's just a typo. Probably.

4. Ugh, he's such a Miranda.

"I had to wonder…is it me or is that guy kind of a dick?"

5. The Ol' Switcheroo.

6. Wonder if they get asked if they're related a lot.

Well, maybe they shouldn't all wear the same outfit.

7. Wow, Nguyen is a popular last name.

At some point, we were all related. According to the Bible.

8. When your dad is hard to please.

"Because you haven't paid for med school yet, dad."

9. Too late, you read it.

THIS reaLLY doesn't work.

10. This kid's tombstone will just say "Whatever."

So meta.

11. "I will destroy you."

He seems fun.

12. A National Treasure.

This gal's got the right idea.

13. Don't worry, mom, I would never.

Totally worth it #worthit #yearbookquote

A photo posted by XxbutterpopcornxX🐳 (@xxbutterpopcornxx) on

14. She actually dodged a bullet with that one.

15. A good argument for converting to Islam.

#FuckingAwesome #HighSchool #SeniorYear #YearbookQuote #hijab

A photo posted by @instamaticfocalpoint on

16. KNEW IT!

Would you eat the bizarre diet of the oldest living woman if it meant you could live forever?

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On Thursday, Italy's Emma Morano became the oldest person in the world at 116-years-old, and she's also the only person still living who was born in the 1800s.

While doctors and scientists want you to believe that her longevity can be attributed to genetics (what do they know?), it should still be noted that Morano has been eating a weird diet this whole time: two raw eggs and 100 grams of raw steak every day. According to the AP, she has been doing this ever since a bout with anemia as a child. Since then, she has had no chronic illnesses. 

She's been sustaining herself on bloody flesh for so many decades, it's almost like she is a vampire. We'll know for sure when she never dies.

This Instagram model Hannah Polites is either 6 months pregnant or just the victim of a large mosquito bite.

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Australian Instagrammer and blogger Hannah Polites is six months pregnant, according to Elite Daily, although you may just have to take her word for it. Her "baby bump" is fascinating the Web, because judging from her pictures Polites is merely minutes away from having a giant poop. This is Polites and her half-cooked fetus, whom is made to look bigger with Polite's arched back.

This is another picture of her baby, looking like it's just as neatly tucked into Polites' abs as in the previous photo.

Ladies lunch at Cabarita today with my bae @simonebeaufils 😋 #6months #pregnant🍼👶

A photo posted by hannahpolites (@hannahpolites) on

Here's Polites reaching to find her tiny bump at about five months.

Lunch dates on a Monday with my Mumma 💕 21w2d 🍼

A photo posted by hannahpolites (@hannahpolites) on

There's been no such issue finding her butt during pregnancy.

Sundayze...💭👖😴 blue jean baby in @freddyausnz #19weeks

A photo posted by hannahpolites (@hannahpolites) on

If you squint really hard, you can almost see something disrupting Polites' abs.

Oh hi there little bump 👋 Almost halfway 🍼🍼 #18w4d

A photo posted by hannahpolites (@hannahpolites) on

This is Polites at 14 weeks, not to be confused with her peak baby-free body.

TB to #14weeks when the sun was shining and my tan was on point 👙🌞 @bondisands

A photo posted by hannahpolites (@hannahpolites) on

Just one of her pregnancy boobs is bigger than her whole womb.

All this makes you wonder what Polites looks like when she's not eating for two. Here she is shortly before becoming pregnant.

She looks pretty much the same pregnant or not, give or take some bloat. 

In response to negative comments, Polites spoke with the Gold Coast Bulletin regarding her baby, whom she refers to as "bub." "For the record," she said, "doctors have told me bub is healthy." In fact, Polites said bub is 20 percent larger than the average fetus at six months, which means that Polites is even smaller than you first realized. 

In speaking with the local paper, Polites made it clear that she has a goal in mind with her baby bump photos. “I will continue to post photos of my body as I feel that it’s important to be a positive role model in the community," she said.

Polites' womb has people are confused as to where this baby actually is, leading for some funny Instagram comments.

That's the ultimate compliment: "Oh, did you just eat? Looks good."

Naked Kesha has a beautifully simple, NSFW message for body shamers.

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After the delayed success in her battle against Dr. Luke, Kesha is ready to take on her battle with her eating disorder and depression. And she is doing this by taking pictures of herself. Naked. 

A photo posted by Kesha (@iiswhoiis) on

 

A photo posted by Kesha (@iiswhoiis) on

 

A photo posted by Kesha (@iiswhoiis) on

And she isn't just doing it to show off her hot bod, she's sending a message: If you don't like her body, she's going to put one of her fingers on each hand up and send out a big ol' "f*ck u."

As Kesha describes her current beachy mental state:

"I have been battling depression and an eating disorder for a while now. my career is in a strange place and it feels like I'm fighting an uphill fight some days. but I have decided to take my life back. my freedom. my happiness. my voice. my worth. I will not just fucking be quiet and hide. today I will say fuck it and live. So FUUUUUUUUCK it. today I'm making that choice. AND IM HAPPY AS A DAMN CLAM. and also a big ol fuck u if u wanna hate on my body. just remember that makes u look like a dickhead. ✌

Article 17

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