Redditor marrymonay recently received an offer of marriage from her gentleman suitor of over three years. Instead of being a joyous moment, marrymonay has found herself in emotional turmoil because her boyfriend's proposal was terrible, and the dude can't understand why.
In marrymonay's words:
We've been together for 3.5 great years. We've frequently discussed marriage, timelines, and future plans. We live in a home together, have moved across the country together, ect. He is the person I plan to spend my life with. He knows I don't like surprises, so I never expected a big proposal or anything.
But, the way he has gone about it has hurt my feelings.
Oh, do tell, marrymonay.
He sat me down with a spreadsheet he made of all the financial benefits of getting married and asked me if I wanted to. (He's a military officer, so there's quite a few). He even broke it down into a dollar amount each month that I'm "worth". We aren't hurting for money, it's not a solution to a problem. Idk what made him think that's how you go about ask someone to marry you.
I said no, that I'm not ready. And that upset him and hurt his feelings. But the reality is I am ready, I just don't want to feel like someone is marrying me for financial benefit. I know him and know that he isn't only asking becuase of that, but I can't shake the feeling that he ruined the whole idea of getting married for me. Even if he redoes a proposal I'm afraid I will still feel that way, and that I'll walk down the isle feeling that way. And now he is sad too because I rejected his "proposal".
Any ideas on how we can remedy this or what I can say to him to make him understand?
This certainly is a conundrum.
Marrymonay clarified her story a little bit and stated that she tried to let her boyfriend know how she feels.
TL;DR: Boyfriend asked me to marry him becuase of the financial benefits. It hurt my feelings. In turn, my rejection of his proposal hurt his.
EDIT: Sorry I left a chunk out that clears up some things. I did explain to him how I feel, but he thinks that if I wanted to marry him and be with him I would have said yes regardless of the proposal. I can't get him to understand how much his actions hurt my feelings.
In another comment, she added that, "I never said I wanted a fairy tale proposal. A simple 'Hey, do you want to get married?' would suffice. The issue is he basically laid down that he wants to get married for financial reasons. You don't get married for that, you get married for love, commitment, to build a life, ect. [sic]"
Even as someone simply reading marrymonay's dilemma, this is stress-inducing.
Redditors have gathered to offer up their best advice.
Throwawayheyheyhey08 thinks some more talking—or back-up—could help.
Ah. Ok. I get it.
I think you might want to try to explain that the goal isn't just to be married to a person, it is to be on the same page as a person and also be married. You were upset because the way he came at it made you think he only cared about the financial aspect. Which as made him a less than desirable candidate.
You might want to call in someone to help on this, frankly. A pastor or counselor. It sounds like you guys are speaking different languages about this. Definitely not on the same page. It also kind of sounds like he isn't even trying to see your POV.
Can you see his? Can you see how he would think this was a good idea, and how he would be disappointed by your no?
Myrrinda sensed fear of rejection.
Thanmandrathor suggested that this might be how the dude is.
Is he at all thoughtful or romantic in other ways? Valentine's Day? Random romantic surprises or dinners?
If he isn't, then this behavior could be seen as an extension thereof.
I'm not sure how to bring it up, especially as you already have and he has dismissed it, but he needs to know that your desire for a little romance in this event is not some kind of unreasonable ask. People want to be asked to become a spouse because of love, for the most part. It's important, not a secondary thing.
As good a financial decision as (this) marriage can be, that doesn't let him off the hook for making some kind of romantic gesture toward the woman he supposedly loves. He doesn't have to do a proposal with a dozen bouquets under a moonlit sky with champagne flowing and swans gliding across a lake, but goddamn, he can make SOME kind of effort to be a bit sensitive.
Regardless of their suggestions, everyone agreed that this proposal won't go down in the history books as a rousing success.
Marrymonay's last update had her supporting the theory that her boyfriend was afraid she'd turn him down—which is ironic, as she only turned him down because his fear of getting turned down made his proposal suck.