5. Demi Lovato, because she and Fez are done.
Hollywood is currently experiencing an epidemic of celebrity breakups, as major stars continue to uncuff themselves in preparation for a massive, orgiastic, swinging single summer. Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have called it quits, and so have Kylie Jenner and Tyga. Even Superman broke things off with his 19-year-old Lois Lane. But this latest news is especially sad—after six years together, singer Demi Lovato and actor Wilmer Valderrama (Fez from That 70s Show, among no other roles) are no more. RIP Dilmer.
Even more tragically, Lovato has been publicly hyping her relationship a lot recently. She recently gushed to Latina magazine about how much more "passionate" Valderrama is than white guys. (How romantic!) She also posted a picture of an enormous diamond ring he gave her, but clarified that it was not an engagement ring. Speaking of rings, back in February she told Ellen DeGeneres:
I don’t see a ring … I wouldn’t mind if I saw one! There’s time for everything, you know. We’ve been together this long, and obviously I’m not going anywhere and vice versa.
Now that's sad. Let that be a lesson to everyone out there in a long-term relationship: trust is for the weak. Get that ring.
4. Hillary Clinton, because her brother-in-law got a DUI.
Hillary Clinton has a chronic case of bad luck. She's taking what should be the easiest presidential campaign of all time and making it look really difficult. If it's not her overhyped e-mail scandal that won't go away, it's Bernie Sanders making her look like Boss Tweed. Meanwhile, her opponent basically IS Boss Tweed, and he's doing great. Now, her goofy brother-in-law has come out of nowhere to make the whole family look bad. She's going to get an ulcer at this rate.
Roger Clinton, Bill's lovable screw-up of a half-brother, was arrested Sunday in Redondo Beach, California for driving under the influence. Coming just two days before the California primary, it couldn't be worse publicity for Hillary.
Roger Clinton made headlines in 2001 when he was slapped with drug charges. The first President Clinton pardoned him as one of his last acts, because he didn't give a sh*t what anyone thought at that point. Hillary, on the other hand, cares about nothing except what everyone thinks of her, and this must be crushing.
At least she can comfort herself by knowing that her presidency is inevitable. All these setbacks will just be footnotes in the history books about her rise to Empress.
3. Mark Zuckerberg, because his social media accounts were hacked.
Over the weekend, hackers infiltrated the social media accounts of a number of major celebrities, including America's princess Kylie Jenner. But nobody has as much reason to be embarrassed about the hacks as Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who supposedly knows a thing or two about social media.
Hackers accessed Zuck's Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest accounts on Sunday, defacing them with pretty boring brags about how good they are at hacking. A hacker group called Ourmine claimed they were behind it, tweeting at Zuckerberg:
Hey @finkd we got access to your Twitter & Instagram & Pinterest,we are just testing your security , please dm us
How helpful! Zuckerberg's e-goons quickly regained access to the accounts, and issued a statement clarifying that his Instagram was never compromised. This must be important to them, because Facebook owns Instagram.
In the end, these hackers just made Facebook's security look better in comparison to all the other social networks. But Zuck himself still looked like a dope.
2. Verizon, because they were betrayed by their favorite son.
Speaking of embarrassment for tech icons, Verizon just got stabbed in the back by the closest thing they ever had to a public face: the "Can you hear me now?" guy.
Actor Paul Marcarelli debuted a new ad campaign for Sprint, in which he appears as himself, explains his connection to Verizon, and then uses that to break their hearts. Take a look:
This truly is the Red Wedding/Sonny at the Causeway of telecom commercials. But you can hardly blame Sprint, or Verizon for that matter. Every mobile carrier is just trying to keep up with AT&T, and their current ad campaign featuring the extremely wife-able Lily:
Can you hear me now? I said I love you.
1. A jewelry store owner who was robbed by a monkey.
At the end of the day, the problems of celebrities, politicians, and giant corporations pale in comparison to the woes of a small businessman victimized by an even smaller criminal. So let's hope you have some sympathy left for the owner of a jewelry store in Guntur, southeastern India, who was ripped off by a monkey.
The monkey was remarkably clever, pulling off a heist worthy of an Ocean's Eleven/Planet of the Apes crossover. The shopkeeper described how it went down:
The monkey threw a guava inside the shop and then entered the jewellery store and fled away with the cash. We threw the fruit back but it entered the shop anyway. It first attacked the worker but he escaped. It sat for almost 20 minutes in the store and then it opened the drawer in the cash counter and took away ₹10,000 cash
If you find that hard to believe, then you obviously haven't spent a lot of time with monkeys. But as proof, here's CCTV footage of the daring theft:
Look at that little guy go! Off to spend his ill-earned cash on monkey strippers and monkey cocaine (which is the same as human cocaine, but less of it). Meanwhile, the poor shopkeeper was left with no way to recoup his losses. But don't feel too bad for him: although 10,000 rupees sounds like a lot of money, in USD it's only about $150.
Not that much to humans, but that little crook just because the wealthiest monkey in the world. He's like the monkey version of Bill Gates, except he throws more poop. Slightly more.