Belgian radio show Qmusic is claiming to have spoken with a gushing Tom Hiddleston about new love Taylor Swift, but it's as real as Hiddleston and Swift's super cute make-out photo shoot, according to E News.

Listen to the interview clip, or use your eyes to read the highlights below.

When Qmusic host Maarten Vancoillie asks Hiddleston to describe his relationship with Swift, the 35-year-old actor immediately says, "I would describe it as a roller coaster ride of action and spectacle and lots of laughs." A spectacle is the perfect term to describe their relationship, at least from the outside.

Vancoillie probes for more, asking what Swift is like. Hiddleston openly admits that "[Swift] is an absolute delight. She's got such a wicked sense of humor, and she's a really fun person to have around and she's really great." Vancoillie wraps up the Hiddleswift discussion, telling the actor "That's all we needed to know." Hiddleston responds with an enthusiastic "Fantastic."

In sum, everything about this interview is incredibly fake, from a woman handing the phone over to Hiddleston to the actor openly discussing Taylor Swift. People who can read Dutch have tweeted that this is not real.

Hiddleston did speak on camera about Taylor Swift roughly a month ago, and he had glowing things to say.

While that interview is real, the inauthenticity of Hiddleston's radio interview is a nice complement to the belief that Hiddleswift isn't real. They've held hands at a Selena Gomez concert and made out in paparazzi photos, which is all too convenient for gossipmongers.

Assuming the relationship is fake, what's the end game here? Pure publicity, even though everyone already knew who Tom Hiddleston was and Taylor Swift's dating rep doesn't need to be dragged through the mud anymore?

On Tuesday, Kendall Jenner posted a video on Snapchat after she found a gray hair (on her head). She desperately clings to the excuse that everyone tries when they find their first gray hair by hoping it might be a blonde hair. Not even close, Kendall. She is 1000% a brunette, and here's proof from a throwback she posted for Father's Day:

Kendall Jenner will never have a blonde hair unless she dyes it. If she gets a good silver streak going, she'll look more like the late Rob Kardashian Sr. when she's older instead of Caitlyn Jenner.

Here she is moments before her life changed forever, naively happy with her hair:

After she found the gray hair, she entered the first stage of grief: denial.

Please keep your thoughts with her during this difficult time.

On the June 22 episode of The Rich Eisen Show, Eisen talked to guest Matthew McConaughey about his experience playing Detective Rustin Spencer "Rust" Cohle on HBO's True Detective. Rich Eisen is apparently a big fan of the first season of Nic Pizzolatto's ​crime drama, and so is McConaughey. In fact, he liked it so much, he said he wouldn't mind returning to the show, if the opportunity arose.

Asked if he'd ever reprise the role, McConaughey told Eisen:

Yeah, I would. I miss Rust Cohle, man. I miss watching him on Sunday nights. . . I was a happy man when I made that for six months, because I was on my own island. Luckily my wife put up with me.

McConaughey also revealed that he was initially asked to to play the role of Martin "Marty" Hart (which ended up being played by Woody Harrelson), but he was more interested in playing Hart's partner Cohle. He told Eisen he said to the producers: "The guy I cannot wait to hear what comes out of his mouth is this Rustin Cohle guy. He's just arresting me every time I read something comes out of his mouth."

"The writing's so good, I didn't feel like I had to 'act,' so to speak," McConaughey told Eisen. But act he did, and his performance earned him a Critics' Choice Award, as well as Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. And he managed to keep his shirt on throughout most of the show, which was probably the most challenging part of the role (other than making those little tin animals, which someone else did). Detective Rust Cohle could wear the shit out of a shirt.

Don't worry, it's not just you: a study out of the University of Graz in Austria covered by New York Magazine found that people rate narcissists as more attractive and dateable. And yes, those people likely don't learn from their mistakes either.

The scientists at the University of Graz, led by Emanuel Jauk, published a study on speed dating in the European Journal of Psychology that gathered 90 people for 691 dates (hehe).

The Austrian singles filled out a sheet after a three minute chill sesh rating the person by physical attractiveness, and how much they'd like to pursue a short-term relationship (like a one-night stand or most millennial rendezvous) or a good, old fashioned, long-term courtship. In either case, they would acknowledge if they wanted to see that person again, which the psychologists call "actual mate choice."

The study found that subjects demonstrating traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism (the willingness to manipulate people), and psychopathy (the inability to relate to others’ interior states) were ranked as more alluring, and more likely to be wanted. Only 30% of dudes were rated favorably by dudettes, and many of them had hints of one or three of those traits on the "dark triad."

In the likely imperfect science of dateability, dudes demonstrating traits of narcissism were associated with both short-term relationships and long-term relationships, particularly because of an associated physical attractiveness and extraversion.

More prone to vanity, narcissists display what the study calls a "mating effort," investing more into their appearance. And while it doesn't really take a scientific study to discover, narcissists are almost always charming and self-confident, traits that make for a fascinating date.

The study concluded that narcissism was “was associated with increased speed dating success (in terms of actual choices) and mate appeal in both sexes.”

So, take a tip from science. To find the one, consider becoming a vain asshole.

Although Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams decided to separate in January of last year after tying the knot in 2009, the couple has only just finalized the demise of their marriage because divorce is hard and Adams has a lot of pinball machines.

Previously, People reported, the couple reached a standstill because they couldn't agree on $$$ and what to do with their eight pets. Moore had requested spousal and pet support, but it looks like she's moved past that idea.

TMZ reported that per their final agreement, 32-year-old Moore is getting their Beverly Hills Condo and a 2012 Prius. Adams is walking away with a 2008 Porsche, a '59 Cadillac that sounds like a fun ride, his comic book collection, and his pinball machines. The fact that those last two items were listed suggests they're worth a lot and/or Mandy Moore really wanted to keep those pinball machines.

Lastly, 41-year-old Adams is gifting (is that the right word? Probably not) Moore $425,000 to even out the worth of their divorce assets. Are pinball machines that expensive?

To celebrate the official end of Moore-Adams, please enjoy Ryan's cover of "Bad Blood."

Selena Gomez is a huge star, but might have met her match in 6-year-old Audrey Nethery, who is definitely a star in her own right. Audrey won the heart of the internet with her Zumba videos, pop-covers, and optimistic attitude despite being diagnosed with an extremely rare bone marrow disease called Diamond-Blackfan anemia.

Although Audrey often talks about how pop-stars inspire her, it is safe to say that she probably inspires those pop-stars right back. She got to meet Selena Gomez after a recent concert, and was not shy about showing off her moves in front of the singer. Honestly, Selena couldn't keep up.

In a May 2016 interview, Audrey told NBC News that Taylor Swift is one of her biggest inspirations, and seeing that Selena and Taylor are best friends, it is probably time to just add Audrey to the squad, already.

And just because it is impossible not to smile while watching Audrey sing and dance, here is another video of her dancing with the Rockettes because it is just too damn adorable and will make your day better.

A woman lucky enough to enjoy the borderline free labor of an intern was also lazy enough to risk a few seconds of bare boob to readjust her bra while he left the room. Yes, the tale from Reddit's "Today I Fucked Up" subreddit went exactly as you know it went.

"Tifu by having a nip slip in front of my intern'

If only there was a private place, somewhere you could go to adjust your most intimate body parts—besides the bathroom, you know, because that's obviously too far away.

Commenters thought they had the solution, asking why she didn't "just turn away from the door." Not that simple, explains Bowmanbabe, "There's a ground floor window the other way.....[It] was him or hobos."

Probably the wrong choice but hey—what a way to break up the work day.

Dr. Guru S2 may not have the glitz and production values of Dr. Pimple Popper, but for popaholics who just love the gritty, greasy extractions themselves, these videos certainly deliver. Recently, the channel posted a clip of a cyst on a man's neck being drained with nothing other than finger strength, elbow grease, and a high-powered laser. In many ways, it's a typical cyst video—until you see what comes out. This is some crazy gunk.

The video's description describes the cyst contents as looking like string cheese, which is very inaccurate. It looks much more like instant ramen noodles. Luckily, this person is a better dermatologist than a poet.

Three men, surrounded by dozens of now empty barrels, filmed a video of themselves dumping waste in Nevada, presumably illegally. The video quickly made its way to the top of Reddit on Wednesday, according to the Huffington Post. In the video, the men say they have to dump these chemicals or they'll lose their jobs.

"We've been ordered to dump these barrels, two or three a night, and then burn 'em out," says the employee in front of the camera, surrounded by dozens of already burned out barrels.

"We've been doing this for weeks. Plants are starting to die since we've been dumping this shit. We've been at it."

They are clearly conflicted. Their conscience couldn't let this continue, but are also afraid to lose their jobs. They reportedly made this video in May but didn't post it to YouTube until June 21.

"I don't even know if we can get in trouble for this. I'm documenting this because I'm not trying to go to prison for this," Cliff explains as he turns the camera on himself.

"I've been forced to do this. I have four children that's the only reason I'm doing this. This feels wrong. This is wrong."

But they dump the chemicals anyway and capture the act on camera.

"This is what we gotta do or we'll lose our jobs. Dump this shit out, dude,"

Here, they show what is inside the barrels:

"This is all the sludge out of our parts washing machine. Acid," one employee explains as he pours the sludge through the fence.

Cliff gets a shot of the side of one of the barrels.

It is unclear if Houghton International Inc. is the company they work for, or just the company that makes the chemicals.

They don't know what to do. They don't call the cops, or the EPA, they just do what they're told and dump a bunch of chemical waste.

"Oh my god, bro. God forgive me."

Unfortunately, Reddit commenter chunky_ninja, who claims to be an owner of an environmental engineering company warns:

Unfortunately, your admission that "this feels wrong. this has to be illegal" doesn't help you. Frankly, it probably hurts you. What's your response when the prosecution says "You knew, or should have known what you were doing was illegal...yet you did it anyway. If your boss told you to rape a 6 year old, would you do it? Your video proves that you knew you were doing an illegal act." Unfortunately you just posted it to the internet, so somebody is probably calling NDEP by the end of the week.

However misguided, you have to give the men credit for trying to do the right thing and exposing their company.

Being a bridesmaid can be easy and fun, or difficult and absolutely horrendous—depending on the bride. Hayley, a woman who wrote an essay for Mamamia, learned this the hard way by agreeing to be one of seven bridesmaids for a friend of hers named Carol. She assumed it would be easy, based on previous experience and the sheer number of bridesmaids. How much could she be asked to do? Little did she know she was in for the friendship-ending ride of her life.

For anyone who hasn't had the experience and might not know (*ahem* men), being a bridesmaid is a costly and time-consuming endeavor. And sometimes brides go a little cuckoo bananas with their requests, requiring asking their minions bridesmaids to do things like wear khaki dresses (which no one looks good in except redheads), cover their tattoos, and even dye their hair. That's on top of paying for the dress and committing to help organize the bridal showers and bachelorette parties (and attend the stupid parties, too).

Hayley and the rest of the bridesmaids had been saddled with a lot of email requests for input on everything from the bridal gown to the groomsmen's buttonholes (which she had to Google, because nobody but a bride would know what that was—probably not even a groom). One day she received an email from Carol asking her for a little help in the cake-shopping department. Immediately, if not sooner.

"Hey Hayley, How’s it going? I need some cake-maker suggestions by COB today please, Jase and I really want to get a wriggle on with this and need the contact details, price brackets, flavours and an idea of how prestigious the vendor is – in a table would be great. Excel is probably best please. Thanks!"

I had to read the email about three times to gauge what she was asking me. After the third disbelieving scan, I felt my blood start boiling.

What the—? Hayley, like many humans, has a job as a schoolteacher and couldn't possibly get that done in one day. She wrote that she'd get the requested info to Carol the next day, but received no reply. After sending the damn excel sheet the next day, she received a thank you from Carol. Sort of.

"Thanks for this, would’ve been really helpful to have it yesterday when specified but I appreciate it."

Ouch. I put it down to “bridal stress” and got back to my normal life, hoping she wasn’t too mad at me.

Fast forward to a few months later, when Carol is finally buying her wedding gown (after forcing her bridesmaids into spending three weekends in a row looking at dresses). She chose a beautiful one that cost about twice what she'd allotted for the gown in the budget. So she emailed her trusty bridesmaids asking for a little financial assistance. Yes. For real.

The latest bridal update was a long email outlining how she and Jase were hugely over their bridal budget now that she’d splurged on the dress. That it was "totally fine if you can’t" but she would really love if we could "pitch in" around $150 each towards her "dream dress." That it’d mean so very much to her and would mean that as she walked down the aisle, she’d be wearing something we’d all had a part in.

Yes, she was essentially asking her bridal party to chip in for her dress. As well as our own outfits, accommodation, the hen's party, bridal shower, and the three spa days she wanted us to plan prior to the wedding. My bank account was already taking a battering from the wedding and now this?

I nearly threw my phone across the room, such was the rage that consumed me. It’s been three days since she sent the email and three of the seven bridesmaids have replied saying they’d love to pitch in for her dress. Whether they genuinely wanted to or not, I just don’t know.

But I’m starting to think I might have to bail on this wedding, and friendship

Hey, it wouldn't be the first time a friendship ended over a wedding. Maybe she could just reply "UNSUBSCRIBE" and see how well Carol takes it?

As if a Kardashian needed a reason to share a picture of their butt (the reason is that they're Kardashians), Kylie Jenner spilled her drink, and shared a video of what her butt and crotch look like as a result.

Why is this butt picture different from every other butt picture? There's a wet spot on it.

She emphatically cried out "Why does this always happen to me?" in a high-pitched whine only dogs can hear.

To heighten the intensity, there's a Before video of all the fun that was had before Spillgate.

She simply could not get over the wet patch from the spillage, and insisted on capturing it at every angle.

Congrats on the butt.

Just in time for the finale of Game of Thronesseason six on Sunday, here's news of an app called Spoiled.io that will accost your enemies, people you used to love, your least favorite uncle, or whoever else you wish to destroy with spoilers right after the new episode airs.

Do your friends love Game of Thrones, but watch it after it airs? Are you a terrible friend? Great!

That's how the app introduces itself on its website, and it's as heartless as season one Jaime Lannister. If this sounds familiar, its because Spoiled says their service is inspired by the woman who used GoT spoilers to ruin her cheating ex-boyfriend's life.

For just $0.99 USD, Spoiled will anonymously and ruthlessly text spoilers to your unsuspecting friends after each new episode airs. Afterwards, sit back, relax, and follow Spoiled on Twitter to see how your friends react.

Apparently, Spoiled.io expects your victims to Tweet at them how much they hate their company.

Sometimes the victims do tweet at the service and share their fury, but if you want to see that anger up close, your best bet is to rub it in their face as soon as possible. Say something like "Hey, did you get some weird Thrones text Sunday night? Just wondering."

Mostly, the app just makes people as confused as Bran was when he first dreamed about the three-eyed raven.

And sometimes people already watched the episode, so they just make a new friend, who happens to be a bot, so it's kind of a prank anyway.

Either way, here's more reason to watch Game of Thrones live. If the internet doesn't ruin it for you the next day, Spoiled might—depending on how close your friends resemble Littlefinger.

On Wednesday, Chris Pratt, beloved actor and dad, asked his 3-year-old son Jack to take a picture of him in the pool with his phone (Pratt's phone—3-year-olds don't have phones), illustrating exactly why 3-year-olds don't have phones.

Expensive electronic device plus clumsy small-handed child minus adult supervision plus a huge pool of water equals your phone is now fucked. That's just math.

Pratt captioned the video "My son, the budding photographer, may or may not owe me a new phone." But it appears he does not, because somehow Pratt managed to get onto the phone to post this video on Instagram. Which is good, because how would Jack even pay for that? Kid is cute as hell but that's not a high paying gig.

Luckily phones falling in water (especially toilets—phones LOVE falling in toilets, it's pretty much their favorite pastime) is not always a problem. You just throw the phone in with some rice, and the rice will absorb the moisture. If that doesn't work, then you add some veggies, a little tofu, maybe some soy sauce, and now you just eat your phone for lunch.

Producer Calvin Harris is now following his ex, popstar Taylor Swift, on his Instagram account again. All these emotional ups and downs! It's like going through your break-ups all over again! Particularly the part where you and your ex are really weird to each other on social media!

The formerly soooo in loovveee Harris and Swift broke up earlier this month. So much has happened since then. First, Harris tweeted a statement that confirmed the break-up and said that he and Swift remained friends. Then, when paparazzi photos showing Swift and actor Tom Hiddleston making out on a beach were published, Harris deleted all traces of Swift, including the break-up tweet and old photos, from his social media accounts. He also unfollowed Swift on Instagram and Twitter. Swift followed suit, deleting photos of Calvin Harris from her accounts.

Now, both are following each other on Instagram again—though Harris isn't following Swift on Twitter (outlets reported this morning that he did follow Swift on Twitter last night, though, if that's true, he appears to have changed his mind. Typical ex behavior). Though he did follow Swift's sworn enemy last week:

Damn.

A Muslim woman was allegedly brutally attacked by a random bigot while she was out grocery shopping with her newborn baby earlier this week. Here is a picture of the random bigot below, mid-finger wag, wearing a t-shirt that says "Canada" on it. That's right, this incident did not happen in the US, but in our supposedly more-friendly neighbor to the north. So yeah, if you were planning on moving to Canada in the case of President Trump, tough luck—terrible awful dumpster people are everywhere.

The 25-year-old mother, who is on that sweet extended Canadian maternity leave from her job as a pharmacy technician, was grocery shopping with her four-month-old son when a woman started muttering things in a foreign language and glaring at the new mom. When the Muslim woman asked what it is that she wanted, she says the other woman approached her and her baby and began cussing loudly at her, and then spat on her. Initially onlookers tried to intervene, but the young mother said that no one helped her once the confrontation got physical, which is not very "Canada" of them.

After being spat on, the Muslim woman claims she slapped the attacker to keep her away from herself and her infant. The attacker then allegedly dragged the mother away from her baby by her hair, pinned her to the wall, and started punching her in the face. She also tore off the woman's hijab, a religious head covering, revealing her hair that had been covered in public for 16 years. The Muslim woman got free and called the police, but was left with a black eye and chipped tooth. Police have since arrested the attacker for the hate crime, and neither her nor the victim's names has been released.

Look, it is okay to secretly be happy that this horrifying attack didn't happen in the US, as long as you are openly sad that Islamophobia is running rampant all over North America.

Some movies, TV shows, and bands become so absolutely huge that it feels like everybody loves them. You can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with you when you experience that pop cultural phenomenon for yourself and it leaves you feeling cold. People who know that feeling took to Reddit to share what it is that the rest of the world seems to love, but they just don’t get.

1. PortAndChocolate hates Frozen, probably because they aren’t five years old.

It was an aggressively average movie, with one good song. The snowman one. NOT "let it go."

2. Hey, freepieces, girl. I heard you called out my movie for being overwrought and manipulative.

The Notebook. I have never known another woman that absolutely hated that movie.

3. Pretty sure that prentle is actually the guy who played Gunther.

Friends,

To me it was a collection of all the jokes previously used in American sitcoms recycled.

I found the characters insipid, the locations uninspired and the actors overpaid.

4. CropTillYaDrop just prefers the all-male version of Bridesmaids from 1984.

Bridesmaids. There were a few funny scenes (like the airplane one) but overall I didn't enjoy it. Also hated how the ending turned into a sappy "we're still best friends and my wedding shouldn't get in the way" type bullshit

5. This just doesn’t make any sense at all, SnerdMcGill

I watched Napoleon Dynamite stoned and still not even a chuckle.

6. Malamutewhisperer hates Game of Thrones, which means they hate HISTORY.

Game of thrones.

I watched the first FIVE episodes...fuck that boring ass shit. Incestual this, pussy Prince that, fear of...something, the north...and the thing I lived most were the malawolves. And that nonsense was fucking stupid.

No. Fuck this. I swear, its just an excuse for people to satisfy their kink under the protection of a large group who shares the same weird fantasies.

7. User rhyst2 doesn’t understand the popularity of Jurassic World, dinosaurs, or Chris Pratt.

Jurassic World... ergh.

It's just the same recycled film as Jurrasic Park.

Stale jokes, cheesy 'twist' and sub standard acting from all of the actors. They didn't even do a good job of making references back to the original park.

How it made SO MUCH money beats me...

8. Shortly after writing this, Bjork sent her army of evil pixies to destroy Androklezz.

I can't stand Björk and since i'm from a scandinavian country it seems like everybody i talk to loves her.

9. Willy-buh-buh hates Star Wars almost as much as a Star Wars fan.

Star Wars. All of them. It's like a very typical medieval fantasy story that they just randomly decided to toss laser guns and spaceships into. People call it the beginning of sci-fi when the only sci-fi parts of it were seemingly added at the last possible moment.

10. Who broke hilroy246' heart like Ameliebreakscrème brûlée​crust with a spoon?

Amelie. What the fuck? People actually like that shit?

11. User crawlingkingsnake6 made the common mistake of thinking people ironically liked something, and was horrified to learn there was no irony involved.

Fucking Journey. Their music sucks ass IMO. I used to think everyone sung Don't Stop Believing in an ironic manner, but then I realized that people actually like them. The dudes got a good voice, no denying it, but the music itself is terrible.

12. If LuckyMcDowell could only go back in time…

What movie have I seen more than any other? Back to the Future. What movie do I hate more than any other? Back to the Future. So fucking tired of that series. Okay cool! An 80s film that was clever. Everyone shut the fuck up about it.

Older brother made us watch that every day growing up.

13. Here’s looking at you (and shaming you), jakiblue.

Casablanca. Have tried over the years to watch it cos people rave about it and it's always on those '50 Greatest Movies EVA' lists...but I've never managed to get to the end cos I always fall asleep.

14. Lightsworn_Redditor had the courage to speak from the heart about what was going on in their brain.

The Wizard of Oz.

The movie bored the ever loving shit out of me.

15. Essentially, not-ted hates a beloved TV drama because it was too dramatic.

Mad Men. Not sure how far I made it. I watched the episode where they have the party and the secretary runs over some dude's foot. Some brilliant black comedy there. Then it went right back to Don Draper mugs for the camera hour, and I just gave up. It just took itself so damn seriously.

16. And yet amw157 sounds eerily like George Costanza when he explains why he hates Seinfeld.

Let me tell you WHY I hated Seinfeld. Quite simply: It made me physically uncomfortable.

I saw so much of myself in George Costanza, that I hated being reminded of these neurotic tendencies in myself.

Every lie he told which he had to backpedal from, every awkward interaction with women, every hairbrained scheme he launched which failed miserably, every selfish or unkind or asanine thing he said ... I saw bits of myself in that, and it made me actually physically uncomfortable to watch.

17. Grimsterr just has no heart or soul, that’s all.

ET - just did not like it, felt preachy and just didn't find myself liking anyone in the movie. I was rooting for the stereotypical military guys to just dissect them all.

What beloved piece of pop culture do you despise? But before you go on a long rant about it, maybe you should take a tip from Disney's universally lauded classic and Let It Go.

When you're already in jail for one crime and then you get accused of murder, you don't have much to lose. As one convict named Denver Allen figured, you might as well tell the judge to suck your dick.

Allen, a man now and forever known as Donkey Dick, flipped out when Floyd County Superior Court Judge Bryant Durham (a.k.a. "Fuckman") denied his request to be appointed a new public defender. Donkey Dick, who had allegedly beaten another inmate to death, said his current Public Defender couldn't adequately represent him unless he had Allen's dick in his mouth.

As the court transcripts reveal, the rest of the court proceedings devolved into a cross between a South Park playground brawl and a Ted Bundy fantasy, with both the inmate and the judge taking turns escalating.

As Judge Durham immediately noted, "This is going to be an interesting trial."

It reads:

MR. ALLEN: Go fuck yourself. I'm here, are y'all done?

THE COURT: I-I am finding- I'm finding you in contempt of court.

MR. ALLEN: I don't care.

THE COURT: I know you don't. And I sentence you to twenty days for that. And if you say anything else, I'm going to add twenty days for everything you say.

MR. ALLEN: Fuck you.

THE COURT: Forty days.

MR. ALLEN: Fuck you again.

THE COURT: Sixty.

MR. ALLEN: Go fuck yourself.

THE COURT: A year.

MR. ALLEN: Your mamma.

THE COURT: Ten years.

MR. ALLEN: Suck my dick.

THE COURT: You know something, this is going to be an interesting trial.

MR. ALLEN: Oh yeah?

THE COURT: Oh, yeah.

MR. ALLEN: You're not supposed to smile in court. You know that if you smile-

THE COURT: I can smile anytime I want to.

MR. ALLEN: - it's a violation

As you can see, Judge Fuckman was game to go tit-for-tat with Donkey Dick, creating one of the most hilarious court transcripts in history. Among the wreckage, Donkey Dick admitted that he "likes boys with big butts" and declared Fuckman a "horse ass, dick-sucking ass, big butt, fuckman ass cracker."

THE COURT: Listen, if you do not-

MR. ALLEN: Suck my dick, you stinking-ass cracker.

THE COURT: If you act like this- if you act like this, I will send you out of the courtroom-

MR. ALLEN: Old bitch-ass cracker.

THE COURT: -and leave you out of the courtroom during trial.

MR. ALLEN: Horse-ass cracker.

THE COURT: Do you understand that?

Surprisingly, he did not "understand that."

MR. ALLEN: Horse-ass, dick-sucking-ass-

THE COURT: Do you understand that?

MR. ALLEN: -big-butt-

THE COURT: Do you understand that?

MR. ALLEN: -fuckman-ass cracker.

THE COURT: Do you understand that?

MR. ALLEN: Getting mad, ain't you

THE COURT: Stupid

MR. ALLEN: Or red-faced?

THE COURT: Listen!

MR. ALLEN: Now, you're calling me stupid.

THE COURT: Listen! Yes I am.

MR. ALLEN: This is kangaroo court

THE COURT: You know what, you have a constitutional right to be a dumbass

Judge Fuckman responded that Donkey Dick had a "constitutional right to be a dumbass," and that's when Donkey Dick decided to threaten to kill the judge, his whole family, and chop his children into bits.

THE COURT: You have a constitutional right to be a dumbass.

MR. ALLEN: -and jump around like a fucking kangaroo, you dumb bastard?

THE COURT: Well, if you-

MR. ALLEN: Suck my dick. I ain't-

THE COURT: - if you- if you-

MR. ALLEN: - listening to nothing you say.

THE COURT: If you come in here Monday week and-

MR. ALLEN: How about this? I'll kill your whole family. When I get in this trial, I will murder your while family. I'll cut your children up into pieces. I'll knock their brains out with a fucking hammer and feed them to you.

THE COURT: Are-are you taking this down

COURT REPORTER: Yes, sir.

THE COURT: Okay. I am going to refer you to the district attorney's office.

MR. ALLEN: I don't give a fuck who you're referring to

THE COURT: I-I'm just telling you.

MR. ALLEN: I thought you were referring to my motherfucking dick, fuckman.

THE COURT: Aggra-aggravated aggravated assault, terroristic threats, and we'll just add to it.

That's not how you get out of a murder charge, bro.

Although the Fuckman warned Donkey Dick that he needed to keep the public defender he had because he is too stupid to represent himself in court, Donkey Dick was intent on showing off his legal prowess, saying, "I'm not supposed to be in jail. I was framed. That motherfucker asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee."

Pretty reasonable defense. If you put your ass in the way of someone's coffee, you're bound to get killed. Eventually the courtroom degraded into a "kangaroo court" in which the judge dared Donkey Dick to pull his dick out and jack off on him.

MR. ALLEN: -I'll pull it out and jack on you.

THE COURT: Okay. Why don't you do that right now.

MR. ALLEN: I jack on white boys-

THE COURT: Why don't you do it right now?

MR. ALLEN: -just like I jack on females.

THE COURT: Do it now.

MR. ALLEN: I ain't got- I ain't got but-

THE COURT: I don't care.

MR. ALLEN: Take off the cuffs

THE COURT: How many hands do you have to have to do it.

MR. ALLEN: Take off the cuffs.

THE COURT: Come on-no. Jack off.

MR. ALLEN: This is kangaroo court.

THE COURT: Come on. Jack off.

MR. ALLEN: This is-this is a kangaroo court.

THE COURT: Jack off right now.

MR. ALLEN: Are y'all getting this?

THE COURT: Yes, they're getting it.

MR. ALLEN: I'm-I'm-I'm going to make sure. This guy done called me stupid. This motherfucker done told me he was going to suck my dick.

THE COURT: I did not say that.

Let the record show, that Judge Fuckman did not, in fact, say he was going to suck Donkey Dick's dick. He only told him to jack off.

If you're looking for something to supplement Quentin Tarantino's library of filth and violence, go ahead and read the entire colorful transcript here.