Just think of your new cubicle as a practice coffin.
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Congratulations on having a new location to check Facebook from all day.
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Try not to think about how your May birthday means your parents had sweaty summertime sex.
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17 Things Everyone On The Internet Secretly Wants To Say To Everyone Else On The Internet
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Here's to your new job and no one finding out how much you lied on your application.
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I can enjoy an evening by myself because I'm a strong, independent woman who has gotten over the shame of drinking alone.
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I can’t stop thinking about you and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with my OCD.
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A Brutally Honest Food Pyramid For Every Stage Of Adulthood
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May you hate your new job for completely different reasons than you hated your old job.
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I love you like a drunk girl loves yelling that she's sober at 3am while lying on the floor of a Taco Bell.
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Sorry autocorrect made me ask if you wanted to go on a weekend fisting trip.
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Mad Libs For Announcing The Kentucky Derby
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Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.
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You should know that I think you look hot no matter what you're not wearing.
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I'm worried we're not saving enough for our retirement alcohol.
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I would like to get drunk on Cinco de Mayo but I'm still drunk from Dos, Tres, and Cuatro de Mayo.
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Cinco de Mayo is a proud celebration of the history of alcoholism in American families.
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The only chance I got to sit down today was on the toilet.
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Happy Teacher Appreciation Week if saying that will help my final grade.
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I was wondering if I could have a few extra days to turn in my Teacher Appreciation card.
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