38 of the funniest reactions to the 2016 Rio Olympics Opening Ceremony.

August 5, 2016, 9:24 pm

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The Olympic opening ceremonies were a blast! A very long blast. Over three hours. But there were many memorable moments (besides that guy from Tonga), and some bad commercials. Here are 38 of the funniest reactions to the event:

1.

Hey guys just fyi my heart is also having opening ceremonies and anyone is invited ;) ♡ #OpeningCeremony

— (((Michael))) (@Home_Halfway) August 5, 2016

2.

The first Olympics took place in Hackensack, New Jersey in 1979 and were created by Brad Olympics as a way to try and impress his ex-gf

— Crimes Enthusiast (@mattytalks) August 5, 2016

3.

pretty cool action shot of Rio #OpeningCeremonypic.twitter.com/CSYOQ0QgTe

— Mike Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) August 5, 2016

4.

Pretty crazy that it's been almost a month and Pokemon Go is not an Olympic sport

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 5, 2016

5.

Really disgusting that all the athletes are wearing shirts that say ILLEGAL SPORT DRUGS, sends a terrible message to kids

— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) August 6, 2016

6.

After the Olympics are over they should leave the water in the pools so the people in Rio have cleaner drinking water. #OpeningCeremony

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) August 6, 2016

7.

According to those blazers, Canada is going to crush the valet competition. #OpeningCeremony

— claudia cogan (@blaudiablogan) August 6, 2016

8.

Reporter: "Mr. Trump! Thoughts on the Olympics?"

[while eating a hot dog with a knife & fork]

Donald Trump: "RIGGED!"

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) August 6, 2016

9.

(In hushed Olympic voice)

Lauer: "Interesting fact about the gov't of Brazil: it's in total chaos."

"Good point, Matt."#OpeningCeremony

— Johnny (((Mc)))Nulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) August 6, 2016

10.

The person doing the BBC captions has just given up now #OpeningCeremonypic.twitter.com/w1ym6fvX1h

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) August 6, 2016

11.

The Olympic #OpeningCeremony is when countries put aside their differences and try to pull off outfits that would look cute on a 3-year-old.

— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) August 6, 2016

12.

I'd like to see a simple opening ceremony, something like a guy chasing Bob Costas around with a stun gun for 2 hours.

— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) August 6, 2016

13.

we get it, Citibank, you only fuck over Americans

— (((maura quint))) (@behindyourback) August 6, 2016

14.

Olympics about to get so lit pic.twitter.com/BjMXu4lMdx

— ☕netw3rk (@netw3rk) August 6, 2016

15.

We get it, u guys smoke weed #Rio2016pic.twitter.com/q5izasyoLs

— China (@_santacoss) August 6, 2016

16.

So many happy nations, united in the joy that Suicide Squad hasn't been released in their country yet

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 6, 2016

17.

This Olympics opening is slower than a state school graduation.

— John Viener (@mygiveup) August 6, 2016

18.

I love seeing the pure, innocent joy on the faces of all these athletes, any one of which could utterly DESTROY me if they so chose.

— Jason Sweeney (@sween) August 6, 2016

19.

If you work at a startup with a weird domain extension, you have to root for that country at the Olympics. It's the law.

— Andrew S (@bn2b) August 6, 2016

20.

This glazed donut is so strong pic.twitter.com/A3keNnwtee

— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) August 6, 2016

21.

Olympic Tinder must be next level

— stacy-marie ishmael (@s_m_i) August 6, 2016

22.

Thank goodness for the #OpeningCeremony because these were my only cultural references of Rio thus far. pic.twitter.com/bA0vzDjx3J

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 6, 2016

23.

I don't know why americans are trying so hard to claim that they invented something that did 9/11 #Rio2016

— Corotinho (@Corotenho) August 6, 2016

24.

Well, the Olympics sure got weird in a hurry. #OpeningCeremony#OiledTrumppic.twitter.com/IGz7gRhALA

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 6, 2016

25.

They should have a link to buy the Mozambique outfits. #OpeningCeremonypic.twitter.com/iQ1OjyVb6i

— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) August 6, 2016

26.

Neil Patrick Harris competing for Belarus, is there anything he can't do?!?!? #OpeningCeremony@ActuallyNPHpic.twitter.com/yCRNZyowhT

— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) August 6, 2016

27.

#OpeningCeremony clearly outchea missing that ex-girlfriend with the fiyah walls tonight pic.twitter.com/9xt39GS4PK

— @PiaGlenn (@PiaGlenn) August 6, 2016

28.

This is an amazing procession of athletes from all over the world holding up cellphones #OpeningCeremony

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 6, 2016

29.

When an NBC announcer says that an African nation used to be called "Da Homie." #OpeningCeremonypic.twitter.com/X3PqRh0viI

— Diane N. Sevenay (@Diane_7A) August 6, 2016

30.

"Sierra Leone now officially free of Ebola" #OpeningCeremonypic.twitter.com/kvmrkVSRXX

— mami wata. (@africanhateyou) August 6, 2016

31.

"Hey Zimbabwe, it was getting late so we bailed. Just meet us at the bar after.xoxo" - Text from other countries. #OpeningCeremony

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) August 6, 2016

32.

NBC gave Gisele so much air she can personally reverse #DeflateGate. #OpeningCeremony

— lancegould (@lancegould) August 6, 2016

33.

Really cool of NBC to show snippets of the Olympic #OpeningCeremony between all these commercials.

— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) August 6, 2016

34.

"Terrorist, terrorist, rapist, murderer, terrorists, rapist, she's hot, terror..." - Trump watching the parade of nations #OpeningCeremony

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 6, 2016

35.

looks like the olympic stadium is getting a brazillian pic.twitter.com/N9tpgDaVpT

— FRO VO (@fro_vo) August 6, 2016

36.

"We hate to take a break..."

Bahahahahahahahahavahahahahahahahahahahahahahahavahahahahahahahahaha #OpeningCeremony

— Michael T Kennedy (@MichaelTKennedy) August 6, 2016

37.

The Olympic torch is lit af rn

— KC Hinchman (@casey_hinchman) August 6, 2016

38.

Updated Olympics logo... pic.twitter.com/uOOohz3W7E

— Swedish Canary (@SwedishCanary) August 6, 2016

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Seasonal

August 6, 2016, 5:00 am

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Toddler refuses to cooperate with obnoxious reporter's live carseat demo.

August 6, 2016, 7:00 am

≫ Next: People shared their favorite dad quotes of all time, and they're even worse than dad jokes.

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Toddlers don't care about your dumb news reports on new carseat laws. They care about getting attention now, as this video demonstrates. This 23-month-old toddler is a model toddler, and dealing with him is exactly what a news reporter who unironically says "adorbs" deserves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=32&v=yrRqzdk93Gs

People shared their favorite dad quotes of all time, and they're even worse than dad jokes.

August 6, 2016, 8:00 am

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The idea of a dad joke is constantly both celebrated and maligned, but as a society, we give less attention to the effervescent category of "dad quotes" in general. Sure, some of the following quotes are jokes. But others are just misguided in a charmingly offbeat or just plain wrong type of way. In short, these anecdotes from a recent AskReddit are delightful.

1. El_Ratdog's dad has some practical advice from personal experience.

"Son, never stick your ass out the window of a car while it's making a sharp turn. Just trust me on that one."

2. ​Both true, both important facts from the parents of Weenies_world_666.

Mom said, "Did you know chicken noodle soup is scientifically proven to shorten the life of a cold?"

Dad responded, "Did you know chicken noodle soup is scientifically proven to shorten the life of chickens?"

3. And ​invullock's dad truly has no shame.

In a room full of people,

Mom: Is there a place for me to sit?

Dad: As long as I've got a face.

4. ​Attenhal's dad sounds a lot like Eric Forman's.

"When you're my age, come visit me at my grave, I'll have "I told you so" written on my tombstone and I won't be wrong"

5. MommaBumble's dad might have a secret.

"I don't have Facebook because a buddy of mine had one and some woman found him and now he suddenly found out he had an illegitimate child and she wants him to pay all this child support and his life is complete shit. It's not worth the risk."

6. At least blackthorn_orion got some solid advice.

Points at a guy wearing his pants below his ass: "never wear something you couldn't run for your life in."

Literally the only thing approaching useful I ever got from him.

7. On-the-sea should probably run away once they reach the shore.

"It's only a little croc, now get out and push the boat off the mud."

8. ​Come onnnn, dad of Troppicalgothaura. Come on.

"I think spiderman likes other spidermen"

9. Dr_Siouxs has two parents in a loving relationship.

"I love your mom's buns. She makes good bread too."

10. And NocturnalPluviophile learned something about their heritage.

"We don't own pets, we're Jews."

Why not?

"We might have to flee a regime again."

Article 7

August 6, 2016, 9:00 am

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Appropriately, America's first gold medal of the 2016 Rio Olympics was for shooting.

August 6, 2016, 9:15 am

≫ Next: Here's everything from the Olympics Opening Ceremony you're allowed to watch on the internet.

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19-year-old Virginia Thrasher has become America's first gold medalist at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games—and in that most American of competitions, shooting. Thrasher, who hails from Springfield, VA and is an engineering major at the West Virginia University*, took home gold against her Chinese competitor in the 10m Air Rifle. She will compete again on Aug 11 in the 50m Air Rifle.

*Dear NBC, the "University of West Virginia" apparently doesn't exist. Please update your biographies so angry West Virginians don't yell at me anymore.

Here's everything from the Olympics Opening Ceremony you're allowed to watch on the internet.

August 6, 2016, 10:10 am

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The Olympics are about pure, amateur sport and pure, corporate control over every millisecond of broadcast, so here (thanks to NBC) is every piece of footage they allowed to be uploaded to YouTube. We can bring you all the tweets from the Opening Ceremony, we can cover the internet's freak-out over Tonga's shirtless flag-bearer, and even bring you pictures of all the best national outfits, but ultimately we are all digital Olivers hoping NBC will give us some more. Here's everything you missed from the Opening Ceremony that you can see:

1. The ceremony began with these beautifully terrifying insect sculptures symbolizing Brazil's wildlife.

2. Moving up from the floor of the Amazon, this ribbon dance symbolizes "Brazil's culture and diverse geography."

3. Headed towards the cities, these acrobats wowed the crowd by tumbling over a floor that appeared to come to life thanks to digital projection.

4. After a dance routine where white, lit boxes were carried off a stage symbolizing São Paulo, the stadium saw a recreation of a canvas-and-wood plane built by Brazilian flight pioneer Alberto Santos-Dumont. (Whom they say beat the Wright Brothers to flight.)

6. International modeling superstar Gisele Bundchen ended her modeling career with this stadium-length catwalk, symbolizing Brazil's tradition of international modeling superstars.

7. Of course, there's Tonga's flag-bearer, Taekwondo competitor Pita Taufatofua.

8. Led by the all-time goldest Olympian Michael Phelps, Team USA brought the biggest delegation in Olympic history, and the crowd proved the world still digs us.

9. Although not the hometown favorites, the Refugee team got massive applause for representing people who had to flee their hometowns.

10. Actually the hometown favorites, the crowd went wild for Team Brazil.

11. Team Brazil then helped in the flag-raising ceremony.

12. Before a little boy demonstrated the Samba to a worldwide chorus of "aww"s.

13. And then the buildings are transformed into the rainforest and fireworks as the Olympic Rings are revealed.

14. And finally, the Olympic Flame found a home that is even cooler than the sun-filled orb from the opening of Game of Thrones.

And that was the Olympic Opening Ceremony (to the extent we can show it to you)!

A guide to the world's 40 most common tourist scams and where to find them.

August 6, 2016, 12:17 pm

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Traveling is a great way to experience other cultures, cities, cuisines, and crimes, and that's why JustTheFlight created this guide to the world's 40 most common tourist scams, broken down by category. The guide also includes where each type of petty crime can be found—as a New Yorker, I can tell you that "The Music Artist" scam is real and best dealt with using a firm, respectful stream of obscenities. It's truly amazing the variety of crime out there, from bag-stealing cabbies in Las Vegas, to old fashioned gypsy kids in Italy, to New Delhi's "Dodgy Doctors." Travel the world and experience it all!

1. Street Crimes.

2. Transportation Scams.

3. Transaction and Authority Scams.

4. Fake-Friendly Locals and Truly Irritating Children.

5. Hotel scams—you don't even have to leave the room!

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Article 3

August 6, 2016, 1:00 pm

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Rescued kitten raised by huskies is now a cat who thinks she's a big, adventurous dog.

August 6, 2016, 1:25 pm

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Rosie was once an abandoned kitten in poor health, but after some TLC from Lilo the Husky, Rosie is now and adventurous, outdoorsy cat who thinks she's one of the pack and loves romping in the woods. It may be trite, it may be too-cute, but we challenge you to watch this video and look at Lilo and Rosie's Instagram and not wish these were your amazing pets:

Kitten Thinks She's A Dog

Kitten rescued in California thinks she is a dog after being raised by a husky.

Posted by TMS Media on Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Some more from their Instagram account:

The cast of @Lilothehusky welcome you to join them on their adventures!🐾 And Thank you so much for everyone's love and support thus far!💕 #liloandrosie

A photo posted by Lilo, Infinity, & Rosie (@lilothehusky) on Aug 3, 2016 at 3:03pm PDT

Falling asleep, and then waking up next to your best friend❤️ Lilo has a small scratch where Rosie is kissing😘

A photo posted by Lilo, Infinity, & Rosie (@lilothehusky) on Jul 21, 2016 at 1:07pm PDT

They were definitely quite the spectacle...😅🏄 #liloandrosie

A photo posted by Lilo, Infinity, & Rosie (@lilothehusky) on Jun 22, 2016 at 11:45am PDT

When mom won't stop, but you're done😐 #kbye👋 . . . . #liloandrosie

A photo posted by Lilo, Infinity, & Rosie (@lilothehusky) on May 15, 2016 at 6:12pm PDT

OMG!! We just found out we were on Ellen yesterday!😱 Thank you SO much for featuring us @theellenshow !! How cool would it be if we could be there live?!😆 If everyone could tag Ellen below and hashtag #getRosietoEllen , MAYBE this could happen!!! 🙏🙏🙏 #liloandrosie

A video posted by Lilo, Infinity, & Rosie (@lilothehusky) on Apr 5, 2016 at 6:31pm PDT

Made a trip to see the lake! It was so cold, but the scenery was AMAZING😍 #liloandrosie

A photo posted by Lilo, Infinity, & Rosie (@lilothehusky) on Jan 17, 2016 at 2:56pm PST

They've recently added a new puppy and kittens to the family, so be sure to check back often.

Truly bananas dance video aims to get the world pumped for Olympic horse events.

August 6, 2016, 1:36 pm

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It's hard to get people invested in the Olympic events that only pop up on TV every four years, but the humans behind the horses at the International Equestrian Association are trying to bridge that gap. They want everyone to get pumped for equestrian evens by using CGI BoJack Horsemen and Horsewomen in this bizarre promotional video.

Finally live your fantasy of horse-headed ballerinas and skater boys jamming in 80s workout gear as they explain the rules of the holy trinity of equestrian events: Equestrian Dressage, Equestrian Eventing, and Equestrian Jumping.

If the actual Olympics are anything like this video, the equestrian events are sure to be entertaining and charmingly weird.

An Equestrian Olympian partying it up in the Olympic village.

21 of the funniest and most interesting answers from comics and successes to #FirstSevenJobs.

August 6, 2016, 4:15 pm

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For reasons unbeknownst to anyone (Russians!?), the #firstsevenjobs hashtag blew up on social media today, inspiring interesting entries of the first gigs of the actually rich and famous... and humorous lists from everybody else. Here are our 21 favorites from interesting success stories and comics alike:

1. Notch, i.e. the guy with all the Minecraft money.

#firstsevenjobs

1) Programmer
2) Programmer
3) Programmer
4) Programmer
5) CEO
6) Done

— Markus Persson (@notch) August 6, 2016

2.

My first 7 jobs:
1. Sex Janitor
2. Sex Accountant
3. Sex Detective
4. Sex Cowboy
5. Sex Magician
6. Sex Golfer
7. Sex Pervert

— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) August 6, 2016

3. Dan Howell is semi joking here, but he does have 6 million YouTube followers.

#firstsevenjobs
lifeguard shadow 👀
axe dealer ⛏
panic alarm presser 🚨
table sleeper 💤
quadruple espresso maker ☕️
dropout 📚
internet hobo 💻

— Dan Howell (@danisnotonfire) August 6, 2016

4.

#firstsevenjobs
The Fast & The Furious
2 Fast 2 Furious
Fast & Furious Tokyo Drift
Fast & Furious
Fast Five
Fast & Furious 6
Furious 7

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) August 6, 2016

5.

#FirstSevenJobs
Slayer
Corpse
Slayer again
Doublemeat Palace Employee
Guidance Counselor
Potential Slayer Trainer
TBD.

— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) August 6, 2016

6.

Plumber
Boxing referee
Doctor
Golfer
Tennis player
Kart racer
Hero#firstsevenjobspic.twitter.com/kz82Ni7BPh

— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) August 6, 2016

7. Ken Jennings has the all-time longest Jeopardy! win streak, but these weren't his opening answers. (Hint: sing it.)

#firstsevenjobs
Harry Truman
Doris Day
Red China
Johnnie Ray
South Pacific
Walter Winchell
Joe DiMaggio

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 6, 2016

8.

#firstsevenjobs
1 create heavens, earth
2 sweep wind over waters
3 make light
4 make sky
5 make plants
6 make animals
7 accounts receivable

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 6, 2016

9. Based on a true story.

#firstsevenjobs
Bills running back
Hertz pitchman
NBC analyst
Actor
Lawyer client
Memorabilia salesman
License plate maker

— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) August 6, 2016

10. The greatest story ever tweeted.

#firstsevenjobs
- baby
- carpenter
- teacher
- caterer 🐟🍞
- dead guy
- alive guy
- your aunt pam's "GPS for life"

— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) August 6, 2016

11. Benjamin Bullet-points.

#firstsevenjobs
Old man
Younger man
Younger man
Younger man
Child
Baby
Dead

— Daniel Hiddleswift (@kibblesmith) August 6, 2016

12.

#firstsevenjobs
pride
lust
envy
greed
sloth
wrath
gluttony

— Kevin Nguyen (@knguyen) August 6, 2016

13.

#firstsevenjobs
droid repairer
pod racer
padawan
jedi
sith
sith lord
tweet lord

— darth™ (@darth) August 6, 2016

14.

#firstsevenjobs
1-7. legendary magical pro wrestling ninja assassin "KWANG" pic.twitter.com/ayvclRhwXk

— DVS (@DVSblast) August 6, 2016

15.

#firstsevenjobs
What
Foul Beast
Its hour come round at last
Slouches
Toward Bethlehem
To Be
Born

— Nnelg (@justabloodygame) August 6, 2016

16.

#firstsevenjobs
disappointment
disappointment
disappointment
disappointment
disappointment
disappointment
professional disappointment

— ryan (cum zelda) (@moongoggIes) August 6, 2016

17. House of Cards creator Beau Willimon.

#firstsevenjobs

1. Movie Theater
2. Busboy
3. Car Detailer
4. Plastics Factory
5. SAT Prep Teacher
6. Barista
7. Campaign staff...

15. TV

— Beau Willimon (@BeauWillimon) August 6, 2016

18.

#firstsevenjobs
1. Kidergarden
2. 1st Grade
3. 2nd Grade
4. 3rd Grade
5. 4th Grade
6. 5th Grade
7. 6th Grade

— z3p0pig (@rainboocheese) August 6, 2016

19.

#firstsevenjobs
Baron of Bootleg
Pharaoh of Fake
Count Contraband
Noble of Knockoffs
Champ of Cheap
Duke of Dollar Stores
King of Copyright

— Bootleg Stuff (@Bootleg_Stuff) August 6, 2016

20.

#firstsevenjobs

- I
- am
- a
- useless
- member
- of
- society

— Zenuel (@Zenuell) August 6, 2016

21.

RT @realDonaldTrump#firstsevenjobs
-rich kid
-failed builder
-steak salesman
-fake college dean
-reality host
-tiny hand model
-President?

— Augustus Steranklozo (@davelozo) August 6, 2016

Danger.

August 7, 2016, 5:00 am

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Article 7

August 7, 2016, 9:00 am

≫ Next: Busker starts singing a popular song without realizing the artist, Matisyahu, is in the room.

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Busker starts singing a popular song without realizing the artist, Matisyahu, is in the room.

August 7, 2016, 9:30 am

≫ Next: Someone edited 230 movies into a karaoke video for 1998's 'Pretty Fly (For A White Guy).'

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A ukulele player with a golden voice was singing the Matisyahu hit "One Day" when, spoiler alert, the artist himself joined in. Diving into perfect harmonies, the busker was impressed with his new duet partner's perfect grasp of the song. Only once they nailed the final chorus did Matisyahu reveal his true identity, and the ukulele man couldn't believe it—likely because nobody knows what Matisyahu looks like.

This was rad. This kid started singing Matisyahu's "One day" and didn't know that the artist was right in front of him. Watch the reveal at the end. He still didn't believe it was him and it took a second for it all to sink in. Loved this moment. #matisyahu #hawaii #oneday #paia #maui #mayjahrayjah

Posted by Stu Brooks on Sunday, July 31, 2016

Ever the mensch, Matisyahu gave his new jam partner tickets to his concert.

For future reference, this is what Matisyahu looks like. He has a very recognizable man bun.

Thank you #asburypark tonight #coneyisland

A photo posted by Matisyahu (@matisyahu) on Jul 16, 2016 at 6:01am PDT

Hanging for a few hours in NYC with stu. Feeling happy.

A photo posted by Matisyahu (@matisyahu) on Jun 18, 2014 at 3:27pm PDT

Day off, Indio tomorrow and then home to see my babies for ten days. Can't wait for some chillllllllll time. It's been an amazing run! Thank you!!!!

A photo posted by Matisyahu (@matisyahu) on Mar 4, 2016 at 3:40pm PST

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Someone edited 230 movies into a karaoke video for 1998's 'Pretty Fly (For A White Guy).'

August 7, 2016, 9:55 am

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A YouTuber by the name of The Unusual Suspect is sweeping the internet today after creating one of those videos that's both a) so weird and original you wonder how it exists at all, and b) so "internet-y" that it's equally baffling that this didn't exist 10 years ago. Using a staggering 230 movies(locating lines using this site), he has created the ultimate music video for the greatest pop culture achievement of 1998, The Offspring's "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)." It's as deeply impressive as it is impressively shallow:

90-year-old man gives perfect 90-year-old man answer to prostitution charges.

August 7, 2016, 9:55 am

≫ Next: The story of how he broke his dick three times is the story Dennis Rodman was born to tell.

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Nicholas Salerno, 90, of Dennis Port, MA, got himself charged with soliciting a prostitute after he called police to his home to report that a prostitute he'd solicited had stolen a necklace from his home. According to the Cape Cod Times, when Mr. Salerno was informed that police would be forced to charge him with a crime as well, he replied, "I don't give a shit, I'm 90 years old."

Lesson learned, prostitutes: don't steal from a man who has nothing to lose from the revelation that he hires prostitutes.

Salerno reported paying Karen Proia, 48, from neighboring West Dennis, $100 to perform an unspecified sex act on June 22. The next day, he noticed the necklace missing, and decided not to let his own reputation get in the way of justice. Police later recovered the necklace at an area pawn shop.

Both Salerno and Proia have pled not guilty.

The story of how he broke his dick three times is the story Dennis Rodman was born to tell.

August 7, 2016, 11:30 am

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Dennis Rodman is many things—bad as he wants to be, NBA rebound legend, the closest thing America has to an Ambassador to North Korea—but he is also a man who has had a lot of sex and apparently broken his penis multiple times doing so. In an interview for Viceland set to Day-Glo colored, hallucinogenic animation, Rodman recounts each of his three greatest penis injuries. Fortunately, Carmen Electra's ex-husband is a talented storyteller, and you'll laugh more than you cringe as he describes how he broke it on a boat, snapped it after an away game, and finally showed 8 fascinated doctors (and a nurse who tried to blackmail him) his "contused penis."

Thanks

August 7, 2016, 1:00 pm

≫ Next: Leslie Jones' hilarious, viral Olympics commentary just landed her a gig as a Rio announcer.

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Leslie Jones' hilarious, viral Olympics commentary just landed her a gig as a Rio announcer.

August 7, 2016, 1:45 pm

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Leslie Jones almost quit Twitter just last month in the face of relentless racist troll brigades, but fortunately she decided to return and become the breakout star of the 2016 Rio Olympics on social media. To be fair, it's not that the Saturday Night Live and Ghostbusters actress is an expert on every sport—her viral coverage has way more to do with the fact that Leslie Jones is way, way more into the Olympics than most people. Her enthusiasm for Team USA and every athlete on it is palpable.

Yep I love the Olympics it's the only time all countries come together to compete! I love it!! pic.twitter.com/YQue72tQ5c

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 6, 2016

WARRIOR!! pic.twitter.com/ptoKkpuD3w

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

I got two ways to watch the OLYMPICS!! CHEAH!! USA!! pic.twitter.com/RVkbmEiUWG

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 6, 2016

Mya about to do her thing go girl! So proud of you!! pic.twitter.com/BKhcWwGCpK

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Jones has been avidly following the games nearly constantly since they began. Her enthusiastic commentary has garnered a lot of jokes about how NBC should have sent her down to Rio instead of the NBC sports crew—and enough people made that joke that NBC Sports officially invited Jones to fly to Rio to do her Twitter commentary live from the games themselves.

@shoemakermike OK @Lesdoggg you're officially invited to Rio. Want to come?

— Jim Bell (@jfb) August 7, 2016

It's unclear when her flight is, but she's still been covering it non-stop from her apartment in NYC.

USA!!! pic.twitter.com/aIVj1qVd2A

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 6, 2016

Dope! pic.twitter.com/vXB28ZL7kZ

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Please tell me more of this. Sword fighting pic.twitter.com/J1Bjtsq0Uz

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

GOOD FUCKING JOB BOO!! pic.twitter.com/xLqADNnlDD

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Yup! pic.twitter.com/aAPHxblJ3L

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

She's particularly obsessed with male gymnasts.

Just so cute and petite pic.twitter.com/Rdm51huzOf

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Funny shape pic.twitter.com/2hhqkXGphJ

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Look at that shit are you fucking joking you have to be strong as hell pic.twitter.com/9LDHCP6hJO

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Are you fucking kidding me my shoulders would be all pulled out pic.twitter.com/L4onL6cPWm

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Shoulders have to be strong pic.twitter.com/JHBE0yNWQW

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

So, if you're looking for Olympics coverage and Matt Lauer & Co. aren't doing it for you, consider NBC's newest hit show: Leslie Jones' Twitter.

They would kick my ass! pic.twitter.com/vczGQeJXF2

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 6, 2016

They near the copacabana!! pic.twitter.com/sGjfkzFiFF

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 6, 2016

Wtf?! pic.twitter.com/y8wKDu2wZD

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 6, 2016

Ok how is this not men's favorite sport I'm straight and these bitches is beautiful wtf ghost whisperer pic.twitter.com/is9e71Zsa0

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Good job Ginny!!! pic.twitter.com/uiXOr4qWeX

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

So fascinated pic.twitter.com/qK2FUd3mlI

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

She has good sportsmanship I would not be this classy pic.twitter.com/DjIrRhqHU0

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

pic.twitter.com/OxQouINXSy

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016

Tell this bitch you gone be late for a date I dare you! pic.twitter.com/ZTtW42Usuu

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 7, 2016