Being divorced is an extremely useful way to fool women into believing you're capable of commitment.
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I hope the NSA is concerned about how often my mother calls me.
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I bet the NSA stopped monitoring your phone records after seeing they were all drunk dials to exes at 4 a.m.
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Today's 3 User Cards With the Worst Grasp of the English Language
In today's installment of the User Cards With the Worst Grasp of the English Language things get personal.
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Best of luck not remarrying the same type of person you just divorced.
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May the relentless agony of your hangover help distract you from the relentless agony of being at work.
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I'm so grateful to live in an era when Facebook makes visiting your new baby completely unnecessary.
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Your wedding ceremony was the most beautiful twenty minutes between drinks I've ever witnessed.
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Sorry being divorced means you'll have to try during sex again.
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You must be excited for your baby's first birthday party since it's the first time you've seen your friends in a year.
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding an attractive recent picture of yourself to upload on a dating site.
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Today's 3 User Cards With the Worst Grasp of the English Language
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June 8: On your shared birthday with Kanye West may you receive the ungodly amount of attention he thinks he deserves every day.
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Hope you're such a disaster while celebrating your birthday that they name a hurricane after you.
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17 shameful ways to express your gay pride.
Take gay pride in your straight friendships.
The new Daft Punk album is out, the Tony's happened last night, it's finally warm enough for assless chaps—it must be Gay Pride Month! "Pride" is one of those basic emotions like "compassion" and "empathy" that we're barely capable of experiencing (let alone articulating). If you've got the same problem, this list of 17 shameful ways to show your support for gay pride should help—and you won't even have to change your profile picture! Say it loud and proud on Facebook and Twitter or invite someone to get used to the fact that you're here and queer by making your own.
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Avoiding TV spoilers on Mondays fits perfectly with my strategy of avoiding all human contact.
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The only sensitive information I'd ever leak about my company is that it sucks working here.
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My summer vacation is the two months between people talking about Game of Thrones and people talking about Breaking Bad.
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Just sending non-suicidal thoughts your way on this rainy Monday.
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Happy anniversary to a husband who still looks at me the way he looks at other women.
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