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Someone just leaked photos of the new iPhone 6.

June 12, 2014, 1:52 pm
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iPhone 6 is faster and sexier than a Taiwanese race car driving pop star. (via Weibo)

Who's ready to see leaked pictures of the thing you have to buy or you'll look like an outdated douche?

Taiwanese pop star and race car driver Jimmy Lin has his hands on the the new iPhone 6 and you don't! But he leaked photos of the much better product on his Weibo site so you can see pics of him holding his brand new not-yet-released phone next to your disgustingly outdated iPhone 5 that is still on the market. 


Check out that bezel my nezel. (via Weibo)

As you can see, the new iPhone is bucking Apple's smaller is better trend to go for... bigger. It is thinner and has a reduced bezel, but it is also longer and wider, just like those Samsung phones you sneer at when people don't buy Apple products. 


Get the shit out the frame, ass phone! (via Weibo)

Here's the view from the front. The new iPhone 6 is so much better than your crappy iPhone 5 that it just pushes the phone right out of frame. No room for you, has been!

According to Forbes, the new iPhone has a side-mounted power button. Cheese off, top-powered iPhone 5! Go die in a fire. 

You better have timed your upgrade right. If not, Tech Radar suspects you have until September 2014 to save up for this thing you need or you'll die. 

In the meantime, here are some features that we hope get added in the upcoming iOS8 release.

(by Myka Fox)

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Weirdo cat does not want to miss any opportunity to drink water out of a spray bottle.

June 12, 2014, 2:10 pm
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That cat ain't right.

The minute he hears the sound of water in a spray bottle, Joey the cat comes running. Call Joey crazy, but if you've ever had someone spray water into your mouth—and don't pretend you haven't—then you know it feels kinda weird and nice. 

What you shouldn't call Joey is dehydrated. His owner, Hilary D, insists that Joey is completely healthy and "gets fresh water in a bowl near his food every day." So "before you comment," just know that this isn't about thirst; it's about this kitty's hilarious fetish.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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A guy texted all 32 of his Tinder matches at once, and the women really hit it off...with each other.

June 12, 2014, 4:51 pm
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The best way to find out if someone is right for you is to see how they get along with your friends. But what if you don't have any friends, and the only people you ever contact are the people a computer dating algorithm thinks you should get to know based on your location and mutual interests in "having fun but being real sometimes too?" You could always see how they get along with each other and weed out the ones who make waves.

That could be the reason why this guy, apparently named Joshua, decided to send a group text to all 32 of the women he met through the dating app Tinder. Unless, as some of the respondents suspect, he just got off on watching 32 women talk smack about him at once.

More likely, Josh doesn't know how phones work, and he thought he could send a mass text to all 32 of those phone numbers he'd collected and start fielding the responses without anyone knowing they just got spammed by the laziest player in the game. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.

The thing is, these women really had a good time together. At least a few of them are probably going to establish some new friendships (with everyone but Josh). Possibly even lifelong friendships. By calling 32 women gorgeous, Josh brought a whole group of people together and let them know they all have something in common. They don't want to sleep with Josh.

Perhaps that was his intention all along. If the computer algorithm thinks they're all right for Josh, maybe they're all right for each other. Or, perhaps he's just an idiot.

Regardless, the conversation's quite enjoyable. Requisite disclaimer: could be fake but who cares. What's real anymore?

And they lived happily ever after.

(by Bob Powers)

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True love.

June 12, 2014, 5:00 pm
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Father time.

June 13, 2014, 7:24 am
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​How to take the perfect summer road trip.

June 13, 2014, 8:04 am
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by Dan Abromowitz

With school out and summer in full swing, there's nothing standing between you, your best buds, the open road, and a lifetime of memories. Here's how you can get your road trip in gear and hit cruise control on "fun":

  • To save money on car snacks, bring along bee hives or a dairy cow.
  • It's not a road trip without mix CDs! Make sure to really scratch the shit out of them for that authentic road trip feel.
  • Leave under total secrecy and cover of darkness for that "You're alive!" thrill on your return.
  • Whoever's in the passenger seat should always stay alert to assist the driver. Luckily, the cigarette lighter's right at hand for a quick pick-me-up.
  • Skip Mount Rushmore, unless you support the patriarchal mutilation of Mother Earth's many stone-boobs.
  • Side trips and detours can be some of the most memorable parts of your trip, except for Arkansas' famous Amnesia Caverns. They're a scam.
  • To keep track of where you've been, tie a spool of red yarn to your front doorknob and unspool it as you drive.
  • For drivetime fun, quote each other your favorite scenes from Britney Spears' Crossroads. Take turns so everyone gets a chance to be Taryn Manning.
  • For cheap gas, survey your planned route for large untapped reservoirs of fossil fuels.
  • You can do anything you want in a motel room, even forbidden Wicca.
  • If you find yourself getting bored on a long stretch of highway, slam your car right into the fucking guardrail. What a rush!

  • Skip the chains and taste some local flavor. Instead of Subway, eat a handful of dirt right out of the ground. Yeah, you love it. You love eating dirt.
  • Don't forget to bring along a spare tire or 15, dragging behind you on cables lashed to your fender like some kind of Mad Max "Just Married" car.
  • If you see a gas station glory hole, go ahead and cram your dick in there. Life is fleeting.
  • A trip blog is a super fun project to quickly abandon.
  • The intimacy of a car makes it the perfect place to work out long-buried grudges and grievances.
  • Just keep going if you think you hit a guy. That's road law.

(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 13, 2014

June 13, 2014, 8:07 am
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1. Priceline Is Buying OpenTable For $2.6 billion, Which Means You Should Be Able To Place Bids On Your Dinner Reservations Very Soon

Priceline will not stop until William Shatner gets a financial windfall every time you leave your house. The travel website is reportedly buying OpenTable, the online reservation site, for $2.6 billion in cash, making Priceline the place to get the worst room in every hotel and the worst table in every restaurant.


2. With Help From A Controversial Call From A Referee, Brazil Won The Opening Match In The World Cup Yesterday

Brazil won the opening World Cup match yesterday, but many say the win is thanks to a ref awarding Brazil a penalty kick after one of their forwards fell dramatically after minor contact with a Croatian defender, which is the kind of thing that happens 95 times per NBA game but is apparently a new thing in soccer.


3. Bowe Bergdahl's Getting Treatment In San Antonio Just In Time To See The Spurs Possibly Win It All In Game 5

Bowe Bergdahl, the American POW many say we should not have brought home in exchange for several detainees held in Gitmo, is now in San Antonio, TX receiving treatment at a medical facility there just in time for the Spurs to come home for their potential Finals win on Sunday. It is not yet clear whether Bergdahl is a Spurs or Heat fan, but if it's The Heat, his doctors will hopefully tell him to keep his mouth shut since the writing's on the wall for LeBron & Co after suffering their second devastating home arena defeat. This item was mostly about last night's game, true, but Bergdahl is back on U.S. soil, so tune into Fox News. They should have some fun stuff going on over there today.


4. Harrison Ford Hurt His Ankle On The Set Of Star Wars Episode VII

Han Solo was the latest casualty of the ongoing Star Wars that have been waged for over 30 years now, with apparently no end in sight. Actor Harrison Ford was reportedly taken to a hospital to treat an injury to his ankle. Rumors were flying that he was hurt when the door to the Millennium Falcon fell on his leg, which would not be out of character for the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy.


5. Today's Friday The 13th. Don't Die.

Stay away from the woods. Definitely don't have sex in them. Also, bad luck today so don't play the lottery. We care about you.

(by Bob Powers. Dennis DiClaudio is off today.)

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I know I'm going to be a great dad someday because everything already annoys me.

June 13, 2014, 8:37 am
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Dan WilburFri, 13 Jun 2014 11:37:36 EDT

I know I'm going to be a great dad someday because everything already annoys me.

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By default.

June 13, 2014, 8:42 am
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Excuses, excuses.

June 13, 2014, 8:46 am
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Genius dog frees himself and others from cages for an after-hours kitchen party.

June 13, 2014, 8:49 am
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My name is Red, not Who, but, yeah, I did it. (via YouTube)

I don't know if any of you are still impressed by the 10-year-old genius who just graduated high school, but don't be. This dog figured out how to unlock his cage in a kennel. Could the 10-year-old genius who just graduated high school do that?

Probably. But he's not a dog.

Staffers at the Battersea Dog and Cat Home couldn't figure out why all the coolest dogs were running around free in the mornings after they thought they had carefully locked them up for the night -- they had to install security cameras just to figure out what was going on. 

The best part of this escape is not just that Red figures out how to get himself out, but also that he was able to get his friends out. And I don't mean he just let some of the other dogs out, he only let out his girlfriend and the other popular dogs to party in the kitchen while the the loser dogs had to stay in their cages. That's so Red. 

Red pulled this stunt off in 2004, but it was only posted by GIBSY1970 in 2007, and only started making the internet rounds this week. I don't know why, blame it on the dog. 

(by Myka Fox)

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The bell hooks Hotline is the fake phone number you should give to the next creepy guy who wants your digits.

June 13, 2014, 9:43 am
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Whoah! Who said anything about the L-word? Also, I'm more of a "sub."

Here's a handy tool for any woman who prefers giving fake phone numbers over spending the evening being harangued and irritated by over-zealous suitors. Rather than hand over a random collection of digits that will probably just make the guy bother a perfect stranger when he's drunk and horny at 3 AM, someone set up The bell hooks Hotline, a phone number that responds to calls and texts with quotes from the feminist writer and activist, bell hooks. 

["BUT WHY CAN'T WOMEN JUST BE HONEST AND TELL GUYS THEY AREN'T INTERESTED?!!!" Because you, that's why. Now quiet down.]

I tried the number out, (669) 221-6251, and my first text didn't get anything, perhaps because their website says they've been getting inundated with thousands of texts and calls, most of them probably from bloggers like me to see if the thing works. On my second text I got the above response, then another text was met with the one below pretty quickly. 

Since the texts never clearly state that this is an automated response, it's fun to imagine dudes spending their night sending text after text, getting increasingly irritated that the girl they met at the bar earlier only ever responds with quotations from feminist theory.

A phone call to the number is more forthcoming, letting you hear one of the quotes read in a robotic voice before being automatically disconnected.

Fake phone numbers are part of the game and complaining about honesty is irrelevant. In dating, there is no honesty on either side until somewhere around the 10th to 150th date. Nor should there be. Humans need to be tricked into intimacy with other humans because all of us are mostly horrible. 

The creator of the hotline explained to The Hairpin that this was mostly about dealing with that scary guy who seems like he might get overly hostile at a straight-up rejection. Speaking for fragile men, even if I'm not scary-seeming, I'd prefer a fake number over direct rejection any day. A fake number lets me enjoy the rest of my evening feeling good about myself, protecting me from the sting of rejection until I'm someplace safe and quiet, alone with just me and my phone. (Married now, but the sense-memory of public rejection still lingers.)

Though if a woman gives you this number, she probably thought you were creepy and/or dangerous and decided it was important to throw in something from a women's studies 101 syllabus with her brush-off. Look within.

(by Bob Powers)

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Horrible truth.

June 13, 2014, 9:48 am
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A little kid got hit in the face with a basketball. Now he's an internet sensation. The new American dream.

June 13, 2014, 10:08 am
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Say yes to Crack Kid.

When Nathan Moszyk uttered the words "This kid's definitely on crack right now" while filming a kid getting hit in the head with a basketball and yelling "yeah!", Internet fame was probably still a distant dream. So he was probably surprised as anyone when the Vine he posted along with #KidOnCrack began going viral.

(Click the upper left for sound)

Crack Kid, who goes by the name Brady when he's not taking basketballs to the face, was suddenly a sensation, and people began making parody videos. Before long he was hobnobbing with celebrities:

There were trick shot videos:


There was random insanity.


Even Rebecca Black made an appearance.


Where Crack Kid goes next is anyone's guess. Mine would be obscurity, but what the hell do I know. Considering that Grumpy Cat is currently in pre-production on a Christmas Movie for Lifetime, it wouldn't shock me if next week CBS announces that Crack Kid will be taking over for Craig Ferguson.

You can find more Vines and the latest breaking Crack Kid news here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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Helpful hint.

June 13, 2014, 10:14 am
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Google Glass wearers get hilariously mocked in a very satisfying segment from 'The Daily Show.'

June 13, 2014, 10:46 am
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Six proud "eye-douches."

In this immensely satisfying Daily Show segment from Jason Jones, one of the Google Glass wearers says we all are "going to be wearing these things probably in a year." If humanity continues to go the way it's been going over the past five years (ie. into hell's filthiest toilet), there's a chance she might be right. Though right now, it just seems impossible to believe, right? There's something just so immediate about the revulsion to seeing someone wearing a little face-computer. It's not like when iPhones and iPods were coming out lots of people were thinking, "No way I'd never want that." But these things, they're just bull's eyes for face-punch opportunities.

Maybe we'll all come around (we won't!), but until then, these early adopters need to be mocked with great fervor, and this clip serves that purpose winningly.


(by Bob Powers)

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Wishful thinking.

June 13, 2014, 11:03 am
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This older woman has a fresh take on how to approach an escalator ride.

June 13, 2014, 11:15 am
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A new approach to an old idea.

If you're the star of a viral video involving an escalator, odds are it's not because you rode one extremely well. Sadly, that's the case of the lady in this video, whose approach to escalator riding could euphemistically be described as unique. What's unfortunate is that she's clearly an older woman, maybe has grandkids, and has likely lived a good life of quiet anonymity. Until today.

Now, thanks to Youtube and dicks like me (and you!) who impulsively click on fail videos for a quick laugh, she's Internet famous as the old lady riding an escalator as if she were strapped to a rocket being launched towards a distant planet.

Although, there is a chance she's just an elderly thrill-seeker who's decided she's no longer playing by society's rules, and will ride the damn escalator any way she chooses. Possible, but not likely.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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Everything but.

June 13, 2014, 11:37 am
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Someone really went out of their way to get back at a guy for parking like an ahole.

June 13, 2014, 11:58 am
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That's one way to handle it.(Via)

This pic that popped up on reddit depicts the act of a social vigilante, someone who will risk life and limb, or at least the paint job on their driver-side door, to make sure assholes are not rewarded. 

The driver of that sports car won't be all that inconvenienced by having to climb over from the passenger side, but it's the symbol of the thing. The driver took up two spaces to prevent anyone from parking too close to that precious urine-yellow paint job. The SUV driver felt a duty to deny this wish.

Don't park like dicks. People love watching people get what's coming when they park like dicks.

(by Bob Powers)

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