Five-foot-four-inch comedian Kevin Hart got married this weekend to his beautiful, longtime girlfriend Eniko Parrish. Mazel tov to the couple! We are sure they will be very, very happy. So forgive us for sharing this one joke:

I mean.

Tom Hiddleston was asked what he learned about "the culture of celebrity" after his "high profile summer" AKA how he's dealing with being real famous right now for dating Taylor Swift. And here is how he answered:

"We all live in a world where every phone has a camera and there’s nothing new, really, about the spotlight on me; I think that’s what happens when you’re a public figure," he said. "I’ve learned that there are many sides to a story, and that sometimes there are a lot of stories out there which are false, and the hardest thing is to try to not let those falsehoods affect your own life. That’s what I would say."

THIS DOESN'T MEAN SH*T AND YOU KNOW IT TOM HIDDLESTON!

Anyway, here's hoping he gives a better answer next time to please me, the world's biggest Hiddleswift denier.

Usain Bolt proved he's still the fastest man in the world, even while posing for a photo! Simone Biles won her third gold. The US men's team beat France to advance to the basketball quarterfinals. Also, Ryan Lochte and 3 other swimmers were robbed at gunpoint by fake cops. All this and more in the 27 funniest reactions to Day 9 of the Olympics:

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Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez got into a fight in the comments section of one of his Instagram pictures on Sunday, because why would you try to keep a fight between you and your ex private, right? Especially when the argument is over him posting too many pictures of his new girlfriend. But their super passive-aggressive "fight" just got really nasty Monday morning when she implied that he cheated on her.

Bieber posted a series of pictures of himself with his new lady love, model Sofia Richie (daughter of Lionel and Diana Richie). He then got a ton of negative comments (mostly about Richie), and captioned one last picture:

I'm gonna make my Instagram private if you guys don't stop the hate this is getting out of hand. If you guys are really fans you wouldn't be so mean to people that I like.

Lo and behold, what should appear in his comments section but one from THE Selena Gomez, reading:

If you can't handle the hate then stop posting pictures of your girlfriend lol - it should be special between you two only. Don't be mad at your fans. They love you and supported you before any one ever did.

Bieber replied to Gomez (but not by name) by responding with two comments of his own:

It's funny to see people that used me for attention and still try to point the finger this way. Sad. All love.

And then:

I'm not one for anyone receiving hate. Hope u all can be kind to my friends and each other. And yes I love my Believers.

So then Gomez commented back:

Funny how the ones that cheated multiple times, are pointing the finger at the ones that were forgiving and supportive, no wonder fans are mad. Sad. All love.

Holy moly. Ouch.

Is it me or do Bieber's comments read sort of like Donald Trump's tweets? I'll be using "Sad. All love" at the end of all of my correspondences from now on.

Guys, guess what: you, bloated drunken you reading this right now can be an Olympian! Even though you're probably out of shape and definitely old, at least by Olympics standards. Luckily, not all sports require you practicing every day from the age of four; some you can pick up later in life and still become the best in the world. Here are some of those sports, and some of the late-bloomers who made it happen.

1. Archery

Yup, you could be Katniss Everdeen as long as you get off the couch once in a while. Most archery medalists are young—it requires way more strength than you'd expect—but actress Geena Davis nearly qualified for the 2000 Sydney Olympics despite only taking up archery about two years prior, at the age of 44.

2. Rowing

American Meghan O'Leary, who is competing in Rio as a rower this year, is one of a few Olympian rowers who started as an adult. In fact, the 32-year-old didn't start rowing until 2010, at which point she was working a normal adult job at ESPN.

3. Cross-country skiing

Apparently, they'll let pretty much anyone do this as long as you pay your way into citizenship of a country that doesn't have a ton of skiers. That's how Gary di Silvestri and Angelica Morrone, "a middle-aged couple...bought their way into Olympic competition." It's unethical, but hey, you're an Olympian now—and at any age!

4. Skeleton

Canadian Jon Montgomery won the gold medal in Skeleton at the 2010 Olympics after starting the sport in 2002, when he was already 23. After he won, Montgomery marched through the streets chugging beer and singing the national anthem, so naturally he now hosts The Amazing Race Canada. That's right: you can start a sport in your 20s and become a national hero as a result.

Gabby Douglas, who was the breakout star of the US Women's Gymnastics team at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, seems to be having a much different experience at this year's games. Once America's sweetheart, the fans who once catapulted Douglas to fame have now turned on her, using social media to criticize everything from her hair, to her attitude, to her patriotism.

Douglas received a veritable tidal wave of backlash after she was the sole member of her team not to put her hand on her heart during the National Anthem at the medal ceremony. Douglas has since apologized for the "faux pas," saying that she was honored to represent the US in the games and meant absolutely no disrespect.

She was also critiqued after people said that she did not clap hard enough for Simone Biles after she took home the gold. Gabby did clap and smile as Simone won, but did not stand to cheer like her fellow teammates.

According to Reuters, Gabby's mother Natalie Hawkins said her daughter is being outright bullied. She stated in an interview:

She's had to deal with people criticizing her hair, or people accusing her of bleaching her skin. They said she had breast enhancements, they said she wasn't smiling enough, she's unpatriotic. Then it went to not supporting your team mates. Now you're "Crabby Gabby." You name it, she got trampled. What did she ever do to anyone?

In Sunday night's uneven bars, a routine Douglas would usually excel at, she finished seventh out of eighth, which concluded Douglas' only individual event for the games and was very possibly the last event of her career as an Olympic athlete. Afterwards, she walked down a hallway, faced a wall, and cried.

With tears in her eyes, Douglas said in a post-event interview, "I tried to stay off the internet because there's just so much negativity. Either it was about my hair or my hand not over my heart [on the medal podium] or I look depressed. It was hurtful. It was hurtful. It was. It's been kind of a lot to deal with."

She then went on to say, trying not to cry, "When I heard some of the comments, I was finally like 'Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's far from me and far from my personality at all. I've been through a lot. A lot. Sometimes I sit back and say, 'Wait. What did I do to disrespect people? What have I done to disrespect the USA? I don't get that part. I'm sorry."

Gabby was only 16 when she was thrust into the spotlight, earning the gold medal for the women's all around. Now, at age 20, she went from the star to a supporting role, letting teammate Simone Biles take the lead.

The 2016 Olympics will probably mark the end of Douglas's career, and she's definitely getting a different send-off than the one she deserved.

Stranger Things is the eight-episode Netflix series that became the surprise smash of the summer. The series was equal parts drama, horror ,and sci-fi, splashed with 80s nostalgia and countless fun references to works by Steven Spielberg and Stephen King. Each character was endearing in their own way, and several displayed some feats of strength and special skills that could make them (sorta) competitive Olympic athletes. Warning: Spoilers ahead.

1. Barb

Barb would be a whiz at swimming. Sure, she technically didn't finish the race, but she did come up in a pool in a different dimension. And it didn't even have water. And there was a monster in it. And everyone loves Barb.

2. Nancy

Nancy has many talents, but she gets to compete in shooting. Her dead-eye aim surprised both Jonathan and fans watching at home. She could put one right between the monster's eyes… well, face… you get it. If she can handle that pressure she can handle a few paper targets.

3. Jonathan

Jonathan obviously ceded control of the gun to Nancy, but he has some fierce hand-to-hand combat moves. He'd compete in Judo. He threw his dad against a wall in the blink of an eye, he pounded Steve into the ground, and he's the only one that physically wrestled the monster.

4. Will

Poor, sweet, innocent Will. His ability to survive in the upside down with little oxygen means he has superior cardio skills. Will would compete in BMX cycling. (Yep, that's an event.) He smoked Dustin in the bike race, which of course regrettably led him to encounter the monster. But he's a champion.

5. Sheriff Hopper

Sheriff Hopper has versatile strengths, but his Olympic sport would most certainly be boxing. When he needed to get things done and save the day, he just started knocking dudes the f**k out. Lights out with one punch. He'd take gold in the ring.

6. Steve

There's no Olympic event for hair, but Steve proved he can swing a mean baseball bat. He even managed to dodge a few monster punches while hitting that beast in the head with the sweet spot of the bat. So he'd be lightning-fast in the batter's box.

7. Lucas

Lucas would compete in archery. Technically he displayed his prowess with the wrist rocket, but he has the aim to fire arrows with the best of them. Despite his rocks being worthless, every shot hit the monster right in the ol' weird flap-mouth.

8. Dustin

Dustin: the guy with the adorable grin. Perhaps one of his best moments was when he mimicked Eleven getting ready to undress in front of the boys. He couldn't believe it; he just kept putting his arms over his head like she did. His use of dramatic expression and repeated arm movements means Dustin would compete in rhythmic gymnastics. Let's have a look at that grin before moving on:

9. Mike

Mike took a leap of faith for his boy Dustin, so he would dominate diving. Thanks to Eleven, nobody knows if he would've stuck the dive with minimal splashing. But it looked like he had decent form once he was frozen in mid-air, and if he can jump from that height, he could jump from a springboard.

10. Joyce

Wynona Ryder's character, Joyce, went through hell and back. Her axe-swinging skills suggest great potential in shot put and javelin, and we all know she can jump and sprint when some Christmas lights tell her that's the best move. So Joyce would dominate the heptathlon.

11. Eleven

What couldn't she win? Her mind control powers would enable her to effortlessly win gold in any event. And her experience in sensory deprivation tanks makes her more than accustomed to pools. But because it's fun, Eleven's best event would be weightlifting. Just seeing the looks on the faces of crowd members when she lifted a world-record weight with her mind would be incredible. She'd just need to dab that nose bleed before accepting her gold on the podium.

Two California airports banned the billboards Mariah Carey commissioned to promote her Vegas concerts for being too damn sexy, likely fearing that pilots and air traffic controllers would become too distracted by the icon.

Mimi is returning to Caesar's Palace in Vegas at the end of August, and according to TMZ, spend thousands of dollars on a photoshoot to put up signs at the Burbank and Orange County airports, where people are rich enough to take off to Vegas for the concert.

The new one was apparently even boobier than the original billboard, with her breasts "barely covered by a gold sheet."

TMZ adds that Caesars' Palace wants a censored version of the billboard, but Mariah is sticking up for her right to bear boobs.

Don't worry though, if the original photoshoot never gets to grace the California skies, we'll likely get to see it on Carey's Instagram.

An Olympic Brazilian diving team will no longer compete together after one of them kicked the other out of their shared room to engage in a "marathon sex session."

According to the NY Post, Ingrid Oliveira, 20, kicked her diving partner and teammate, 17-year-old Giovanna Pedroso, out of their room at Olympic Village to have sex the night before they were due to compete.

Caught up in the heat of all that safe Olympic sex, Oliveira brought canoeist Pedro Goncalves back to their room for some canoodling, forcing Pedroso to find other accommodations the entire night.

“I have been waiting for four years to be present at the Olympics and for her it was better to have fun and therefore threw me out of the room,” Pedroso said, according to The Sun.

This is the Olympic equivalent of finding a sock on your door the night before a big test. Only, the Olympics only come once every four years, and the two came in last during their competition on Wednesday.

Like so many college-aged friends before them, a man got in the way of their friendship (and Olympic-level partnership as divers), and they have decided to split ways as athletes.

“After the Olympics, I will focus on my individual,” Pedroso told Brazilian newspaper O Globo.“It’s good because I will not need to depend on anyone. Then I will be able to improve and evolve more.”

Oliveira has yet to make a formal statement, only telling GloboEsporte, “My personal life, I do not speak about.”

Damn. Hope that sex was four years worth.

Recently, I wrote about the horrible recipes in Happy Living! A Guidebook for Brides, a 1970 book that my mom was given when she created her wedding registry. Although the food section of that book is the most condescending, the pages on interior design have their own special terrors, serving as a reminder that not all eras of home decoration feel timeless. Advance apologies if these pictures bring up repressed memories of some garish room in your grandmother's house.

1. Finally, a dining room color scheme that says "I'm a member of the Red Hat Society, and this is the room where I'm going to die."

2. We now have an answer to the question so many men have been asking: The drapes match the bedspread and the windowseat cushion, and the carpet matches nothing.

3. Try making all of the fruit on your centerpiece the same color to remind yourself that your life as a homemaker is depressingly unvaried.

4. The table mumu has since fallen out of style.

5. "The Yellow Wallpaper" was meant to be a harrowing feminist tale of descending into insanity, not a design suggestion.

6. When it comes to both interior design and relationships, you can repeat patterns. In both cases, it is always a horrible idea.

7. At the very least, the 1960s was a decade when you could walk into a furniture store and say "I'd like a couch that looks like two cocktail wieners stacked on top of a normal hot dog."

7. Try a living room color palate that makes people feel like they're sitting in a mustard jar that has started to get moldy.

8. Note the back table, with what appears to be a cheese pedestal and accompanying cheese guardian.

9. Thankfully, it was possible to have the tacky look of an Ikea table years before Ikea was in the US.

10. And finally, a glass coffee table provides an elegant display for your many glass butt plugs and dongs.

Michelle Carter made history, and looked glam as hell doing it. Carter is the first American woman to take home the gold for shot put in the Olympics games, beating New Zealand’s two-time Olympic champion Valerie Adams in a stunning upset.

Even though women are dealing with the "shamed if you do, shamed if you don't" mentality for wearing makeup, Carter decided to throw convention to the wind and do what makes her feel comfortable.

Wearing a full beat while competing in the Olympic games is not typical, but Carter wants to prove that athleticism and classic femininity are not mutually exclusive. She wore red lipstick, false eyelashes, and eyeliner while competing.

“I’m in a sport where people don’t look at us like women, they don’t look at us like being girls, or feminine,” Carter told the Huffington Post. “But I’ve been girly all my life and so I couldn’t separate... between the sport and being a woman. I love hair, I love make up, I love fashion and I love throwing the shot put.”

Carter, who is a professional makeup artist on top of being a gilded Olympian, is combining her passion for beauty with her passion for shot put to show the world that there is not one way for an athlete to look.

Carter is also an outspoken body-positive activist, encouraging plus sized women to embrace their figures.

Of course, no amount of makeup will overshadow Carter's historic victory, and her choice in competing with a glam-ified look just goes to show that there is no shame in just "doing you."

You can check out Carter's makeup/shot put website here.

With an understanding of history and the progression of time as effed up as Trump himself, national spokesperson (and Rowling-deemed Death Eater) Katrina Pierson blamed President Obama for the War in Afghanistan. The 2001 invasion of Afghanistan happened under George W. Bush, when Obama was merely a state senator in Illinois, with no power over the American Armed Forces.

But the truth has never kept the Trump campaign down before, sticking to their guns (literally and figuratively), blaming Obama for every bad decision throughout history, even when he wasn't president. Twitter speculated on what Pierson's next historical blame game on Obama will be.

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British tennis star Andy Murray won the hearts of feminists everywhere on Sunday when he shut down a BBC reporter who evidently forgot that women also play tennis.

Murray made history in Rio when he became the first man to ever win back-to-back Olympic gold medals in singles tennis. During an interview after his victory, BBC reporter John Inverdale called Andy the first person to ever win two gold medals in tennis, even though that feat has already been achieved by both of the Williams sisters on the women's side.

So what did Andy say in response?

I think Venus and Serena have won about four each.

BOOM. Shut that sexism down. Hopefully this gentle reminder will help the future John Inverdale remember that women also exist.

A flailing Donald Trump is now pointing his short, stubby fingers at "the media," blaming them for his abysmal poll numbers. In a deeply paranoid Twitter rant, the Republican nominee tries to convince people (and possibly himself) that the media is rebelling against him, twisting his words and statements to somehow make him look bad. No, Donald, you're doing that all on your own.

Trump's whining about the media is nothing new, and his most vocal supporters are glad to echo his delusional statements, but in the last 24-hours, Trump sent out nine tweets about how the media is sabotaging him. That's a lot, even for him.

First he attacks the "failing" New York Times.

Then he pulls a statistic out of thin air.

He then goes on to talk about his "rally sizes" in a way reminiscent of how less-endowed men talk about penis sizes.

Oh, and here are some tweets about the person he is actually running against, Crooked Hillary.

This sounds like the part where someone should pacify Donald with a popsicle and pat his back as he struggles to form sentences between his sobs.

And then he says perhaps the truest thing he has ever said—that people would prefer him to appear less bat-shit. But he refuses.

The whole Twitter rant sounds more like something your unhinged neighbor would say, while perhaps donning a tin-foil hat and yelling at a tree, but this person wants to be the leader of the free world. Be afraid, be somewhat afraid! Right now, it looks like the election will not culminate in a Trump victory, and if he keeps this up, it might even mean a Clinton landslide.

Everyone knows that Meryl Streep can play anyone, but is there anyone worthy enough to play Meryl Streep? Turns out there is. In a recent interview with the Huffington Post, Meryl was asked who she'd want to play her in a biopic. Without hesitation, she answered, "Amy Schumer, of course."

OF COURSE. That is the most brilliant piece of casting in the history of the world. Meryl is essentially a perfect human, so it only makes sense that she would entrust fellow perfect human Amy Schumer with portraying her in a film about her life.

Here's how Amy reacted when she found out.

Yeah. Kind of a big deal. While this is only a hypothetical biopic that doesn't actually exist (yet), we sincerely hope we can count on Amy to accept the role if and when it's offered to her. It has the potential to be the greatest film of all time.

Now who wants to start a Kickstarter to help get this thing off the ground?

Filed under "They found love in a hopeless place," Mark Ellis is a truck driver who met his wife Donna Roberts thanks to some graffiti in a gas station bathroom. Roberts's spiteful ex wrote her number on the bathroom wall, "If you want a good shag, call Donna on..." and ended up doing her the biggest favor.

Ellis decided to cheekily text the number as a joke, writing, "Hi. What are you up to?"

It's a classic love story for our times. Boy goes to bathroom at gas station. Boy sees girl's phone number on the wall. Boy jokingly texts girl. Girl responds. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl live happily ever after.

The lovers, now with two kids, told their story to The Sun. Confused, Roberts responded to Ellis's text, "Who is this?" and they ended up chatting, meeting a few days later, and falling in love.

“I was curious to know if it was a real human being. We still laugh about it," he said.

“It was days be­fore he told me how he got my number," Donna adds, “I was stunned. I had to get a new phone so no one else could ring.”

The two live in Brighouse, West Yorks, England, and their kids of eight and nine still don't know how Mum and Dad found each other in this crazy world.

“I usually say that he texted me by mistake," Donna explained.

It's all so trucking beautiful. With this unlikely love story coming true, it's only a matter of time before people meet through a glory hole.

When Mo Farah of Great Britain fell while running the 10,000m race at the Olympics this weekend, both he and the millions watching thought that his chance of winning his third gold medal was over. However, Farah got up, kept running, and defied the odds to defend the title he won in London in 2012.

Farah got tripped up on his training partner Galen Rupp, which resulted in the epic tumble. With 16 laps still to go in the incredibly difficult race, Farah had enough time to regain his lead, sprinting ahead of Kenya's Paul Tanui in the last moments of the race to win gold. Farah, who has earned the nickname "Mobot," toldThe Mirror that he was just glad the fall came early on in the race.

The victory was especially sweet for Muhammed "Mo" Farah, who as a Muslim immigrant from Somalia, is facing a lot of anti-immigrant sentiment in the wake of Brexit. No hater could stop Farah from doing his country proud.

Ten years ago, an ecstatic nine-year-old Katie Ledecky met a 21-year-old Michael Phelps, who had just racked up six gold medals at the '04 Athens Games. On Monday, the tables literally turned. Phelps got his teammate Ledecky's autograph, passing the Olympic torch to the new generation of record-breaking Gold winners. The occasion was shared by the US swim team on Instagram:

This cute moment also comes after this hilariously terrible newspaper headline shows that in this world, even if a woman breaks records and the man comes in second, the woman still comes in second to the man.

But Phelps made a point to tell the people that it was an honor for him to be on the team with her, and not just the other way around. He commented that Ledecky "breaks records every time she gets into the pool."

Now that the male Katie Ledecky has officially retired, the future of Team USA swimming is in great hands—hands that touch the wall 11.38 seconds before everyone else.

Plus, for any aspire Olympians out there, getting a picture with Phelps is a good omen for getting the gold.

5. Mariah Carey, because her billboard was banned for too much boob.

Mariah Carey is preparing for her triumphant return to Las Vegas later this month, where she'll be performing at Caesars Palace. To promote her show, she was planning to fund two enormous billboards of herself by Burbank and Orange County airports. According to TMZ's sources, she even paid for the photo herself—an arty, erotic number featuring her world-famous breasts barely covered by a gold sheet, like something from a Bond movie.

But much to Mimi's dismay, the airports weren't happy with that kind of smut in their pollution factories. They shut down the billboards before they could be posted. But Carey isn't giving up. She's determined that every domestic flier in Southern California see the outline of her nipples. Now, it's an all-out war between two unstoppable forces: the transportation hub of America's largest city, and Mariah Carey.

4. Justin Bieber, because Selena Gomez is siding with his haters.

Justin Bieber got into it with his Beliebers like never before over the weekend, nearly alienating the millions of fans who devoted their tween lives to worshipping him. Apparently, they don't like his new girlfriend, model Sofia Riche. It got so bad, Biebs threatened to pull the plug on the fans' lifeline: his Instagram.

The caption reads:

I'm gonna make my Instagram private if you guys don't stop the hate this is getting out of hand. If you guys are really fans you wouldn't be so mean to people that I like.

But if it hurt to take that kind of shade from his fans, it must have been a thousand times worse when his ex, pop star who's more famous than him Selena Gomez, weighed in in the comments. At first she criticized him for oversharing about his relationship. But when he responded, she busted him for cheating, and the internet went nuclear.

Only one thing could cheer Justin Bieber after this kind of degradation: showing his penis again.

3. Demi Lovato, because she and her mom should not have joked about Zika.

Demi Lovato is also on the outs with her fans after she snapchatted her mom Dianna Hart drunkenly making this weird non-joke about the Zika virus on Friday:

The Snap was quickly deleted, but the damage was already done. After all, many people in Brazil ARE getting Zika, and many of them are babies. Commenters on Twitter were angry as hell.

Lovato wisely went into damage control mode with these tweets:

She really could have stopped at "deepest apologies."

2. Two burglars who got stoned and passed out in their getaway car.

Nobody could blame two Central California teenagers for wanting to celebrate after they successfully stole copper wire and other supplies from a construction site. But their triumphant blaze sesh could have waited until after they had made their getaway. Instead, cops found them passed out in a cloud of weed smoke inside their SUV, still parked outside the construction site. The officers literally had to wake them up to tell them they were arrested.

The car was still full of everything they had stolen, as well as a loaded gun, which was determined by investigators to be stolen as well. On the plus side, their gang-banging days are over, because no self-respecting gang would accept anybody who had done something that dumb.

1. Jennifer Aniston, because Justin Theroux got a terrible tattoo.

Justin Theroux, star of The Leftovers and much more importantly, Jennifer Aniston's husband, celebrated his 45th birthday the way most 18-year-olds do: by getting an awful tattoo. Seriously, what does this even mean?

Speaking of "never again," he should never again walk into a tattoo shop. He obviously doesn't have the judgment for it.

According to Theroux's caption, this ink is the work of celebrity tattoo artist Scott Campbell. Which is weird because it looks like it was done in prison. But the real question is: what does Jen think of this?

She's so cute when she's regretting her marriage.