If you are not planning on running for office or competing in a beauty pageant or something, why not consider a job in the very exciting and slightly sticky porn industry? Thanks to Redditor carnageeleven, here are all the dirty details (like, ALL of them) about what it takes to audition to be a male porn star. This should go without saying, but there's explicit language about penises and stuff ahead.

Serious answer? Apply. They're looking for guys who have above average dicks(we're talking 8-9" min). Can get hard very quickly with little to no real stimulation. And you should be able to cum on command. You shouldn't have a problem with doing some things that might seem gay to most men. Rubbing you're balls on another man's balls while DPing an actress is a pretty common thing. You have to have a professional portfolio. Modeling pics, maybe some experience, even if it's amateur.

Okay, well the dick size alone will eliminate most of the dudes out there. But if that doesn't deter you, the "hard" audition process might.

If you get as far as an interview, you will walk into a room with an older dude. He will tell you to pull out your dick. You have 30 seconds to get hard. There may or may not be an actress there. She may or may not help you. As in, she'll allow you to look at her boobs (if you're a good looking dude she might even let you touch her. Nothing below the waist). You will be asked to masturbate for around 10-15 min, again... With no visual stimulation or anything. The director will tell you to cum. You have a minute, tops, to blow your load. You will be given 15 min to reset and then you must get erect again and be able to maintain an erection for another 10 minutes or so and then you will be asked to cum again. 30 seconds, they get very uninterested if you have trouble controlling your climax. If you get through all that and perform well enough. They may offer you a job. You'll being doing very little at first, but they'll offer you a contract that will consist of several scenes that you have to film but may never be used. I'm explaining this from a friend who was offered a job with BangBros in Miami. They offered him 35k for the year. Not sure how much "work" he did. Or if any of it got past editing. I lost contact with him once he moved down there.

Okay, 35K just for having sex is sort of enticing but making porn seems a lot harder than it looks (not that I would know, I've never watched porn, what are you talking about?). However, there is more money-making potential if you are willing to go both ways. And if you're weirdly flexible.

I'll tell you this, he was bi-sexual which I believe helped him get the job. He also had a professionally done modeling portfolio to begin with and some semi amateur videos. While filming a shoot, you are expected to stay erect while they change camera angels, chit chat about what the director wants, reapply the female actress's make up, fuck around with lighting, etc. You've got you be able to fuck in very odd positions. For example, leg up doggy style, sideways shot from behind. Keep in mind they're looking for good shots of the woman and you're just a dick. Move your leg this way, it'll seem very awkward and uncomfortable. But it's about what the camera sees and how it feels to you. There's also about 12 people behind the camera during each scene, so no being modest. Try to look like you're really turned on with the girl even though you're thinking in your head about you're about whatever stops you from cumming. If you blow too soon, scene is over and you've wasted time and money. Get it going again quickly and you can redeem yourself. Being able to control your nut is probably the most important skill you can have. Get hard on demand, cum on demand, learn to aim your nut with a snipers precision. And be quick about being able to nut again. The director will want multiple money shots so he can choose the best one. Know to keep your fucking hands and legs out of the fucking way, but still make it seem natural. You also need to be fit. If you can't toss the girl around with ease you're going to have trouble. Some of the girls are easy and tiny, but others are "voluptuous" and weight close to a buck 50.

Close to a buck 50? Read the last paragraph as I look that expression up.

Anyways... This is about as much as i can tell you. Again, you gotta be cool with some gay shit. If you're double teaming a girl and your dicks are touching while they're in her mouth that's something that you gotta stay hard through. If a guy blows a load and it gets on your leg or something, don't freak out. No one wants to reshoot if they don't have to. Remember, time is money. They're not in the business to lose money. It is possible you might have to suck a dick. It's all about seeing how comfortable you are with sex. It helps to be bi, or even gay, since you're going to be fucking a girl for upwards of an hour and you can't be fighting your nut the entire time. Anyways... This is what I learned from a friend who got a year long contact with Bang Bros. I would imagine Brazzers and all that other shit isn't much difference. It's easy to get into as a girl, it's extremely difficult to get into as a guy.

Okay so, TL;DR version: If you have superhuman powers over your boner, and you are able to train it to obey commands like an obedient dog, you may have a shot in porn.

The Final Five continue to make gymnastics history. Simone Biles won her fourth gold medal on the floor exercise on Tuesday. She became one of only four female gymnasts to ever win four golds at a single Olympics, and the first American to do so.

The powerhouse took flight, tumbling to heights nearly twice her size and continuing to be one of the best damn tumblers in history. The professional commentators couldn't contain their glee, and of course, made a point to mention that Simone "goes higher than the guys."

Aly Raisman took silver, becoming the first American woman to ever win six Olympic medals in gymnastics.

The bronze went to Amy Tinkler of Great Britain, who killed it at SIXTEEN! As in sweet sixteen. High school age. SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN. LIKE LIESL IN THE SOUND OF MUSIC. THAT IS SO. YOUNG.

The trio up on the podium should make English-speakers everywhere proud.

Of course, we Americans are especially proud. The Final Five have celebrated as co-winners with impeccable sportsmanship throughout the whole competition, and are objectively the best.

This was sadly the last women's gymnastics event at the Rio Games. Now we're left with only the athletes' social media posts and the memories to tide us over until Tokyo 2020.

On August 15, Ellen DeGeneres' official Twitter account posted a photoshopped image of Ellen riding Olympic sprinter and world's fastest man Usain Bolt like a pony.

Many people took issue with this, pointing out that riding black people like animals was an early (and very racist) photographic meme, and that images treating people of color as pack animals are clearly problematic.

The next morning, Ellen responded.

Obviously, those historical photos demonstrate a legitimate reason why Ellen shouldn't have tweeted that not-super-funny-anyway tweet. Even though what matters is how it's heard, not how it's intended, there is still no way Ellen DeGeneres was thinking, "You know what would be hilarious? If I was super racist right now."

That being said, Ellen has committed racism through lazy comedy before:

One thing is for certain: the tweet is still up. Therefore, Ellen and her executives have considered this from the very cautious perspective of people who need public approval to earn money and decided that they were not racist. In conclusion:

Amy Schumer is a very famous comedian and actress, but like most people, she has been through some real shit. The Trainwreck star gets even-more-candid-than-usual in her new book of essays, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo. We hear all the time that celebrities are "just like us" (only with way more money and completely different lives), but these excerpts from People prove that Schumer might actually be just like us.

1) She had a rocky childhood.

When she was 13, her mom left her dad for the father of one of Amy's best friends, she details in one essay. Even worse, at the time Amy's mom turned to her daughter for support instead of vice versa. She recalls: "I was a child, new to my teens, and she was treating me like a seasoned psychiatrist." Being a teenager was kind of a nightmare for us too, amiright??

2) She was sexually assaulted.

At 17. By her first boyfriend. And she was a virgin at the time. Ugh. "I was seventeen years old and wanted my boyfriend to like me," she writes. After the assault, she recalls comforting him. This is sadly relatable to a lot of women, so it's cool of Amy to talk about it.

3) She met her current boyfriend on a dating app.

Not just any dating app though. A super artsy and exclusive one for "creative" (read: successful) people that Trainwreck co-star Vanessa Bayer told her about.

It worked. Schumer said Ben Hanisch, a furniture-maker and her current bf, showed up for their first date in the rain with a bottle of wine in a soaked paper bag. "We smiled at each other and in that moment, everything felt right," she writes. This is just like how we will meet our boyfriends too, probably.

4) She was in an abusive relationship.

She describes a terrifying relationship in her 20's with a boyfriend who physically and emotionally abused her and once even chased her with a knife. "It can happen to anyone," she writes. "You're not alone if it's happening to you, and you're not exempt if it hasn't happened to you yet." Preach!

5) She dealt with a sick parent.

Amy writes about growing up with a father who was diagnosed with MS decades ago, and how it affected her life. "The saddest revelation I've had in my life is that my parents are people," she writes. "Sad, human people." Woah, that literally describes all of our parents, too!

As if we all didn't already want Amy Schumer as our BFF.

Real lawyer David Bruno appeared on Nancy Grace's show on HLN on Monday night, to try and explain to the TV lawyer why it was legally appropriate for courts to overturn Making a Murderer'sBrendan Dassey's conviction. Bruno discussed the many problems with Dassey's coerced confession, while Grace repeatedly cut him off and talked over him.

Dassey, along with his uncle Steven Avery, was convicted of the murder of Theresa Halbach in 2007. Now, because courts have ruled Dassey's confession was coerced by police and prosecutors, his lawyer was finally able to get his conviction overturned. Nancy Grace didn't like this.

In the segment, Bruno tries to explain to Grace that the conviction was overturned based on "the totality of the circumstances"—Dassey's age at the time of the confession (16), his IQ of 70 (which, contrary to what Grace says, is not within "normal range," but is significantly below average), and his previous (shady) lawyer's absence during Dassey's interrogation.

Dassey's confession, which was videotaped, shows law enforcement officials urging the teen to "tell the truth" while also coaching him on exactly what to say. To Grace, this is fine! Nothing wrong with any of it. Totally legit. Man, she's one tough cookie. A tough, stale cookie. Maybe it's time to throw that cookie away.

It looks like the Olympics have officially given the boot to Nico Hines, the guy who won a Gold Medal in unethical journalism for that incredibly homophobicDaily Beast article in which he treated being gay like a sport and outed a bunch of gay and bi athletes.

In case you missed it, Hynes is a straight, married man who posed as a gay man on the dating app Grindr in Rio as a way to lure in gay athletes and then wrote about it. For good measure, he made a lot of references to the stereotype of gay men being promiscuous. Not only is that very unethical on many levels, he also described the athletes in enough detail that he outed a bunch of athletes against their will, including some from countries where it is illegal to be gay.

The internet responded with swift and justified viciousness.

The Daily Beast responded less swiftly, first editing the story, then eventually taking it down, and finally publishing an apology. Now, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has responded. "We understand the organization concerned recalled the journalist after complaints and withdrew the story," an IOC spokesperson told Outsports. "This kind of reporting is simply unacceptable."

It's unclear whether the IOC banned him or The Daily Beast simply sent him home. Either way, he won't be missed. Especially by gay athletes who can return to enjoying their well-earned Grindr exploits in peace.

Byeeeeeee Nico!

Apparently, maybe, Beyoncé has a secret Snapchat account. This secret was revealed when her mom Tina Beyincé-Lawson shared a video on Facebook of Beyoncé doing a faceswap with her mom while rapping a few bars from the Grandmaster Flash classic, "The Message." To recap: this is Beyoncé's voice coming from her mom's face, even though her mom looks a lot like Beyoncé herself. The internet in 2016 is weird.

Fans are freaking out that Beyoncé might have a Snapchat account they don't know about, because faceswapping is one of Snapchat's weirdo "filters" for videos and photos. The real news here is that Beyoncé only barely knows how to use Snapchat. She truly is a woman in her mid-30s.

Paris-based researcher Odile Fillod is single-handedly educating the youth of France about the realities of sex and female anatomy with her new creation: the world's first 3D-printed, anatomically correct clitoris. Just look at the craftsmanship on this thing:

Despite the growing worldwide awareness of sexual health and sex positivity, sex ed classes are generally still in the dark ages (in the US, many states still prefer teaching abstinence). In France, that's apparently especially true. A recent report from Haut Conseil à l’Egalité, a government body responsible for gender equality, found that sex ed in public schools still teaches that boys are “focused on genital sexuality”, but girls “attach more importance to love.” Of course, scientists have known for years that boys and girls are both super into genital sexuality.

Fillod feels that her creation will help French girls understand their own bodies and overcome the stigmas against female sexuality that they're taught by society/school/advertising/men/women/everyone. As she told The Guardian,

It’s important that women have a mental image of what is actually happening in their body when they’re stimulated. In understanding the key role of the clitoris, a woman can stop feeling shame, or [that she’s] abnormal if penile-vaginal intercourse doesn’t do the trick for her – given the anatomical data, that is the case for most women.

Maybe Fillod's project will also teach boys that penile-vaginal intercourse won't always "do the trick" for women. Wouldn't that be great? Because it really doesn't.

Maybe the most revolutionary part of this clitoris model is that it's open-source. Anyone with a 3D printer can print one without having to pay Fillod a single Euro cent. Because of that generous decision, French elementary and middle schools will start using the model as a teaching aid starting in September.

The future of the French people is looking bright and orgasm-full. Let's hope the US is fast behind.

It's simultaneously one of the most Feel Good and Feel Bad moments of the Rio Olympics so far. American runner Abby D'Agostino was running in a qualifying heat of the women's 5,000 meters when her knee gave out, and she fell to the track, colliding into New Zealand's Nikki Hamblin. Rather than run away, D'Agostino sacrificed her time to help Hamblin up and make sure she's okay.

"Get up. We have to finish this," D'Agostino told Hamblin, reaching out her hand and helping her back up.

"I'm never going to forget that moment," Hamblin said. "When someone asks me what happened in Rio in 20 years' time, that's my story ... That girl shaking my shoulder, (saying) 'come on, get up'."

The two embraced after the race, and D'Agostino finished the race despite the knee injury.

Hamblin also told the New Zealand press that she wished Olympic volunteers would look out for any fallers.

Because of this inspiring moment of sportsmanship, Olympic officials decided that the two runners, as well as Austria's Jennifer Wenth who was affected by the collision, will have places in Friday's final.

Being a good person will help you get ahead, even if at first you fall behind.

It seems like every day Chrissy Teigen is doing something charming on the internet, a funny tweet or a silly picture that makes it pretty much impossible not to like her. On Tuesday that thing was a video of the stretch marks on her thighs, accompanied by the text, "lol my thighs have tributaries."

Teigen has showed these bad boys off before, in an Instagram picture where part of the caption read, "Stretchies say hi!"

So that's what Teigen's thighs look like in real life, close up, no photoshop. She's definitely human. An especially fine specimen, but still (probably) mortal.

Making a Murdererwas the Netflix original that had most of us ignoring our families over the holidays so we could binge watch all 10 hours of it. The documentary captivated audiences, spawned several parodies, and turned anyone with a Netflix password into a detective. Whether you thought Steven Avery was framed for the murder of Teresa Halbach, or agreed with the jury that he was guilty, one thing's for sure—it had people's attention. Several months have passed, and many things have changed since Making a Murderer first aired.

1. Brendan Dassey's going to be released.

Steven Avery's 16-year-old nephew,Brendan Dassey, was convicted in 2007 of the murder of photographer Teresa Halbach. A judge has recently overturned Dassey's life sentence citing several factors including Brendan's age, alleged learning disability, and his interrogation without a "supportive adult" present. The state has 90 days to appeal or initiate a retrial. At the end of the 90 day period, Dassey will be set free. Nancy Grace is not happy about it.

2. Brendan Dassey's mom got some ink (and might be psychic.)

Brendan's mom Barbara Tadych, along with a family friend, got matching tattoos on their thighs that said, "Justice for Brendan." About a half hour later the appeals court announced the decision to release him.

3. Friends and family of Teresa Halbach are trying to shift focus onto her instead of the Dasseys.

Sadly, the victim in the case, Teresa Halbach, often gets ignored in the drama surrounding Making a Murder. Those close to Halbach are trying to "turn the attention" away from the recent court ruling and back onto the young photographer gone too soon. Almost 11 years since her murder, and it's still painful for those who loved her. “She’d have a big smile on her face and always happy and always trying to do better than what she did in her pictures, in her photography and in her own life," Teresa's friend Tim Pierce said. Another friend is encouraging everyone to wear blue in honor of Teresa at a race in Halbach's hometown in August.

4. Steven Avery's ex-fiancée came forward saying he's guilty.

Despite standing by his side during the filming of Making a Murderer, the ex-fiancée of Steven Avery, Jodi Stachowski has since come forward to say she definitely thinks Avery is guilty of the 2005 murder of Teresa Halbach. While she is happy Brendan is getting released from his life sentence, she's reportedly terrified Steven Avery will get out of prison.

5. We've all moved on to binge watching Stranger Things.

Time has passed and while the saga moves from Netflix back to the court system, we've all moved on to the next obsession. Stranger Things is the new binge watching pleasure that's taken over Netflix to scare the pants off of us. I for one am glad to spend my next binge obsession reveling in a fictional demogorgon than a real-life rape and murder.

Fitness blogger Erin Bailey has had it with men sexually harassing women in gym clothes (or any clothes) and on August 11 she took to her blog to speak (write) out about it. In a post called "What do we deserve?", the 25-year-old recounts just some of the many disgusting things men have done or said to her while in the middle of a workout.

Among the encounters: the time a gross guy interrupted her boot camp in the park to tell her all the nasty things he "wanted to do to [her]" and the time a guy who nicely held the door open for her at 7-Eleven proceeded to not-so-nicely follow her down the street yelling at her.

She ends her post by writing:

Don't ask me what I was wearing. That's not the question.

If we stopped doing things that felt or seemed dangerous, we wouldn't live.

Am I supposed to stop going to the park? Am I supposed to not run in downtown Boston in the broad daylight? Am I supposed to not go to 7Eleven or the laundromat at 6PM on a Wednesday night? Am I supposed to not go to the gym?

I am careful. I don't go to dangerous places alone. I don't run in dodgy areas by myself. I carry keys on me, and soon pepper spray to put my Moms mind at ease. But that's not the point.

What do I deserve?

I deserve to be treated like a human, not just a woman, because that means something different these days.

And us women, what do we deserve?

We deserve not to feel silenced by your yells.

We deserve to feel empowered for bettering ourselves.

We deserve to feel sexy in our own skin without feeling like we're here to bait you.

We deserve to speak out without the threat of you lingering on our minds.

We deserve to run outside.

We deserve to be judged on our merits, not our outfits.

We deserve more. A whole lot more.

Her post has gotten almost 1,500 comments, most of them women thanking her for her inspiring post and sharing their own stories of harassment. Can a woman LIVE, people?

Ready, set, judgmental side eye! Famous twin Ashley Olsen was "looking very close" in everything but age with artist George Condo this weekend.

The painter, 59, and Olson, 30, were spotted"holding hands and snuggling" at NYC restaurant Balthazar. Said a Page Six source: "It was obvious something was going on. It looked like she was dining with her grandpa, but they were holding hands and snuggling.”

This isn't the first time Ashley was spotted with the artist, who created artwork for Kanye's 2010 album, “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy." (He also has work in the Met and MOMA, but Kanye album FTW.) In June, the two were seen at the Mercer Hotel by a source who said they "looked romantic." But Condo's rep at the time said "it was simply a business meeting.”

Maybe they're business partners. Maybe they have a platonic grandpa-granddaughter type friendship, like so many 30-year-old women in New York.

Or maybe they're dating.

Ashley wouldn't be the first Olsen twin to pursue a May-December relationship. Her twin sister Mary Kate Olsen got hitched last year to French banker Olivier Sarkozy who, at 46, is a spring chicken next to Ashley's rumored bf.

Sisters can be sooo competitive.

After meeting Zac Efron, Simone Biles rebounded to capture her fourth gold in the floor exercise, tying the gymnastics record! Aly Raisman was right behind her, capturing silver. Usain Bolt won easily in the 200-meter semi-finals. And Brazil upset the US in beach volleyball. All this and more, in the 25 funniest reactions to Day 11 of the Olympics:

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