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The top 41 tweets of the week as picked by someone who savors every tweet.

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After a long week of political intrigue, internet drama and post-Olympics withdrawal, relax with jokes about curly fries, dog pants, and millennials… those darn millennials! And more. These are the top 41 tweets of the week:

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Britney Spears slayed all her hits with James Corden on Carpool Karaoke.

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Buckle up, car singing fans, this is the one you've been waiting for. On Thursday night's episode of The Late Late Show, James Corden got behind the wheel of his trusty Range Rover and picked up one of his most legendary carpool karaoke guests yet—Britney Spears. The two crooners talked parenting, fame, and tickling, all between spirited renditions of Spears' hits like "Oops I Did It Again," "Toxic," and that one where she's a schoolgirl in the video.

She's Britney, bitch. And he's James Corden… fella.

Taylor Swift is skipping the VMAs. In related news, Kanye gets 4 minutes to do whatever he wants.

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People is reporting that Taylor Swift will be staying home this Sunday night like some adorable old grandma with her cats and her knit blankets and her books instead of attending the MTV Video Music Awards in New York City. According to a source, she "was never scheduled to attend," which is kind of like suggesting you have to schedule autumn to attend every September.

Last year, the VMAs might as well have been the TMAs, because the singer-songwriter and her squad owned the red carpet, not to mention Swift won Video of the Year for "Bad Blood." This time, she's not nominated for anything.

Is this Tom Hiddleston's bad (or good) (or fake) influence? Is Swift too embarrassed by Kim Kardashian's secret phone recordings? Is this because Kanye will reportedly have four minutes onstage to do whatever the hell he wants (god help us all)?

Or is it because, precisely by not attending the ceremony, she has managed to make it, once again, all about her?

Workplace

Makeup company Urban Decay enrages internet after tweeting incredibly tasteless self-harm imagery.

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Makeup brand Urban Decay may or may not be punning on self-harm to sell eyeliner, and social media is calling them out on it. The brand promoted their new line of "Razor Sharp eyeliner" with lines up a woman's wrist, which is kind of very evocative of self-harm.

People caught on, because the connection is as subtle as any of those colors.

Even if the product is called Razor Sharp, there are other places to show swatches—like the back of the hand—that don't evoke the same imagery.

The company kind-of apologized, but still seemed to fail to see the connection.

Four teenage girls turned their school IDs into an elaborate Harambe meme.

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Four high school seniors from Michigan turned their photo IDs into a fairly ludicrous Harambe meme, providing an excellent example of why the Cincinnati Zoo deleted its own Twitter account this week.

Harambe was a 17-year-old silverback gorilla, shot by a zoo official after a four-year-old boy fell into his enclosure. He quickly took on a second life as a meme. As the New York Times pointed out earlier this week, those memes have often had racist implications. Other times they're more whimsical, like this one from the high schoolers in Michigan, in which they each spelled out a syllable of his name on their shirts.

Still, the constant, non-stop Harambe chatter became too much for the zoo. As Mashable pointed out, nearly any post became an opportunity for the trolls to scream Harambe.

Hopefully, the meme will be over by the time that four-year-old boy gets on social media.

The tagline for Ryan Lochte's new endorsement deal is pretty appropriate.

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Ryan Lochte lost a few endorsements after his "over-exaggeration" about being robbed at gunpoint in Rio, but he's gained a new one, Pine Bros. Softish Cough Drops, which are apparently as "forgiving on the throat" as Lochte would like people to be towards him. The ad campaign's tagline will be: "Pine Brothers Softish Throat Drops: Forgiving On Your Throat."

Pine Bros. Chief Executive Rider McDowell issued a statement, saying:

Just as Pine Bros. is forgiving to your throat, the company asks public for a little forgiveness for an American swimming legend. We all make mistakes, but they're rarely giving front-page scrutiny. He's a great guy who has done incredible work with charities. I'm confident that Pine Bros. fans will support our decision to give Ryan a second chance.

See? Everybody makes mistakes, like lying about serious crimes for which they themselves are actually to blame, it's just that few of us are famous enough for it to really matter. Or something like that. Anyway, all is forgiven, apparently!

Kylie Jenner posts curvacious boob Snaps, denies allegations she got implants.

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Kylie Jenner posted some busty boob shots to Instagram and Snapchat yesterday, leading to speculation that she got her boobs done. But the reality star says nope, calm down everyone, she's just on her period and her boobs will deflate in a day or two. It's like DeflateGate all over again, kind of!

Here's the busty Instagram pic of Kylie's boobs (also her face and most of her body and a field! Don't forget about the field!):

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

And here's a still from Snapchat:

After seeing the pics, a lot of Kylie's fans speculated she'd gotten some surgical enhancement. "Is it just me or did Kylie's boobs grow like 3 cup sizes outta nowhere?" asked one Snapchat user. While another fan tweeted: "I swear to God that Kylie had a boob job! Her boobs are huge!"

This isn't the first time social media has speculated that Kylie might have gotten her boobs done. Or her lips. And like those other times, Kylie has denied the allegations.

And she has an explanation: it's that time of the month (for those that don't know, women's boobs commonly get larger during their periods).

She's even willing to prove they're real.

But don't get too attached. Because all good things must come to an end.

Then she wrapped up the boob-discussion:

Wowww. Why won't everyone leave Kylie alone to post closeups of her boobs on social media for millions of people to see in privacy??


Girl turns her school ID into hilarious 'Mulan' tribute, internet goes nuts.

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This is June Kyra Dela Chica, incoming senior at Oregon's Aloha High School, class of 2017.

She just won the school ID photo game after posing as a minor but memorable character from Mulan.

Remember her? It's the matchmaker after she accidentally got soot on her face.

"To please your future in-laws, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity and refinement."

Well, Dela Chica nailed it:

"You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!"

It's a minor moment in the movie, but a senior moment for June Kyra.

"You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty."

The ID is equal parts accurate and joyous, causing Dela Chica's tweet to go viral instantly. As of Friday, it had already been shared over 100,000 times.

Maybe she will never bring her family honor, but she definitely brought it to the class of 2017.

Phony 'sex therapist' accidentally adds hundreds of women to a group chat.

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A self-proclaimed "sex therapist" accidentally introduced 256 "pretty ladies" to one another, according to The Sun, revealing his less-than-genuine pick-up tactics and giving them a great opportunity to roast him. The women realized he had accidentally added them into a single group chat on WhatsApp after connecting with them individually on dating sites and apps.

According to The Sun, one of the women in the group chat wrote, “Think this might be a guy a few of us have spoken to on Tinder!!! Called himself a ‘sex therapist’," and called him out on his “bizarre pick up routine” and "aggressive" behavior.

The man's game was apparently to bombard women with sexual, personal questions for his "research," which is certainly a creepy approach worthy of the roasting.

He claims he was trying to clean out his contacts when he created a group chat instead.

One of the 256 speculated, “Maybe he is a sex addict (or wannabe as it doesn’t seem he is getting much action).”

While the man left the WhatsApp group immediately, the women have kept in touch, sharing their horror stories of his advances and other creeps.

One of the women told The Sun of her exchange with him:

There was so much innuendo and wanting to know about sex and what I was interested in. He was asking things like ‘Are you a very sexual person?’ He charges men to go on his workshops on how to pick up women and get them into bed. But out of all these women in the WhatsApp group, hardly anyone even met him. We were all creeped out by him, there was something not right.

Another added: “All of us ladies were having a massive laugh at his expense. He’s supposed to be some sort of therapist but he’s obviously just a sleaze. He really put his foot in it by adding all of us to one group. He’s just a creep who’s got his comeuppance.”

Daughter shares hilarious texts from mom that prove cats are more important than humans.

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Our pets are just as important as the human members of our family, but sometimes we go a little overboard trying to keep them happy. Twitter user Jenny Katz went viral this week after sharing a hilarious text conversation she had with her mom about their cat, Coco, and her missing French vanilla ice cream.

Coco the demanding cat.

Apparently Coco gets some ice cream as a treat every night, and on this particular day, Jenny's mom was unable to locate it (because Jenny had eaten it.)

Was Mom being a tad dramatic? Sure. But Princess Coco has become accustomed to a certain way of life. She has high standards, and those standards include French vanilla ice cream.

Sadly, Coco had to settle for a popsicle that night. Jenny's mom was not amused. And, according to her texts, neither was Coco.

Thankfully, on Thursday, Jenny shared this video update. Justice had been served, and Coco was finally enjoying her vanilla ice cream.

Thank goodness.

8-hour bug.

Teen lotto winner Jane Park gives boyfriend hilariously terrifying list of demands for vacation without her.

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This is Jane Park from Edinburgh, Scotland. In 2013, she won one million euros in the lottery at 17-years-old.

I am punching󾌥󾆠❤️ Connor George

Posted by Jane Park on Saturday, July 30, 2016

Since then, she's been doing regular teenager stuff, like hanging out, going shopping, and creating the craziest list of rules possible for her boyfriend Connor's upcoming trip to Ibiza without her.

She's clearly self aware, as she's titled her list "Psycho Jane at it again😂🔪👀." The emojis say it all: she's laughing, but she is also watching and she will kill.

Highlights of the rules include:

1. No speaking to girls

2. No photos with girls

5. No eye contact with girls

7. No drinking shots, especially if you have to buy them from a shot girl.

10. Don't help your friends get laid.

19. Wear the girlfriend shirt.

What's the girlfriend shirt, you say? Glad you asked.

Nothing says "I'm watching you" like a nice cotton blend.

They're cute together, though. Boyfriend Connor is definitely in on the joke and isn't trying to break any rules.

Good boy.

Article 18

Guy gets shut down by sassy judge after bragging about not doing his community service on Facebook.

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A judge in England had an extremely sassy retort for a man who refused to carry out his community service order and then bragged about it on Facebook. This isn't the first time bragging on social media has landed a criminal in jail, because bragging on social media is toooo much fun to stop before you get arrested.

The man, David Newlands, 24, was sentenced to 150 hours community service in January after he and a group of friends ran after a man with a learning disability through the street. Then, on June 22, Newlands posted this on Facebook:

People wonder y this country is fucked ? A got a high court conviction n they never sent me eh jail instead gave me a...

Posted by David Newlands on Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Which roughly translates to:

People wonder why this country is fucked? I got a high court conviction and they never sent me to jail. Instead [they] gave me a community order. [I] told them to stick it up their pipe so got sent back to court and what do they do? The judge says "Mr Newlands I would refer to you as an idiot"...and then what does he do? He gives me it again fuck csn (??) fuck probation. [I] am not doing it simple!!! Fuck the police!!!

And when a friend commented on the post: "So your no gettin locked up then 😂😂?" Newlands responded: "Am out bro easy."

After Newlands refused to complete his community service, he was ordered to return to court, where the Judge smacked him with a harsh(er) sentence and some sassy words. "It's always interesting to see a different view on sentencing as in 'Am out bro easy'," Judge Ritchie told the defendant. "As they say, lol."

"I have given you two chances," said the judge. "You didn't take the chances. I hope you don't think I'm doing this out of anger. In truth it enlivened what was otherwise a dull day."

He then (presumably) cackled like this:

The judge sentenced Newlands to nine months in jail, where hopefully he won't have access to Facebook.


YouTuber's funny 'how I used to do my makeup' video will resonate with every 90s girl.

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YouTube star Jenna Marbles has a fresh video out, this time taking us through all her "looks" growing up in the 90s.

From her first attempts at lipstick:

"Stop cock-blocking me, mom!"

To serving up some middle school realness:

"I would just let my hands do the picasso-ing"

She apologizes that her different looks weren't incredibly dramatic because she wasn't a goth kid and YouTube didn't exist for her to watch makeup tutorials, but she still fell for all the era's trappings.

"I'm ready to show you the cringe, because the cringe is so real."

Watch the full video below.

Florida man jailed after liking his ex-girlfriend's picture on Facebook.

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Florida Man has been sent back to jail after liking his ex-girlfriend's picture on Facebook. This particular Florida Man is not to be confused with Florida Man Caught Eating Meth-Soaked Drawings in Jail or Florida Man Who Broke Into Home to Steal Sausages, Paper Towels.

Of course, Facebook-liking an ex's picture is always embarrassing, because it shows that you're still invested in what they're up to. But it's particularly humiliating when it violates a $76,000 bond.

Paul Maida, a 31-year-old man in Boca Raton, had been charged with DUI manslaughter after hitting a bicyclist 2014, and was ordered to avoid all contact, "direct or indirect" with his former girlfriend, a key witness in the case.

He had been kept on house arrest, which likely means too much time on Facebook, liking things that he legally shouldn't.

Maida is now in the Palm Beach County Jail, where he probably has limited access to Facebook.

'Sexpert' explains in one sentence the depressing reason some men don't understand women's sexuality.

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Dr. Mahinder Watsa is the resident "sexpert" of the Mumbai Mirror. This kindly-faced elderly man dispenses cheeky yet helpful sex advice for thousands of readers every day, and is wildly popular.

Teach me, Dr. Watsa.

In his August 26 column, he used his trademark dry humor to address one of India's most serious problems: the treatment of women and female sexuality. His response to a befuddled young man's question about women was so devastating, it was shared on Twitter by comedian Rohan Joshi, where it quickly went viral:

Here is the question Dr. Watsa was asked:

And his response:

This doc deserves some serious credit—not only for addressing the problem of women being shamed for their sexuality in India and around the world, but for not trying to speak for them when asked about it. Like all the best experts, he knows when to keep his mouth shut.

Article 13

The French burkini ban was suspended, but this fight isn't over.

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On Friday, France's highest administrative court suspended the ban on the "burkini" (a full-body swimsuit variation of a burqa, worn by some Muslim women for reasons of religious modesty) in Villeneuve-Loubet, ruling that mayors do not have the legal right to ban religious garments. Similar bans have been enacted by at least 30 French mayors, citing concerns that the burkinis might be symbolic of Islamic extremism, because if there is one thing terrorists are hell-bent on doing, it's swimming.

Amnesty International Europe Director John Dalhuisen issued a statement reading in part:

By overturning a discriminatory ban that is fueled by and is fueling prejudice and intolerance, today's decision has drawn an important line in the sand. These bans do nothing to increase public safety, but do a lot to promote public humiliation. Not only are they in themselves discriminatory, but as we have seen, the enforcement of these bans leads to abuses and the degrading treatment of Muslim women and girls.

However, French Prime Minister Manuel Valls is still in favor of banning burkinis, and former French President Nicolas Sarkozy (who has said he plans on running for president again) indicated he would definitely create a national ban on them.

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