After a long week of political intrigue, internet drama and post-Olympics withdrawal, relax with jokes about curly fries, dog pants, and millennials… those darn millennials! And more. These are the top 41 tweets of the week:
1.
My Uber driver is definitely playing his own mixtape. It's horrible but I accept it as punishment for something bad I've done in the past
— Hannibal Buress (@hannibalburess) August 22, 2016
2.
when u find out shes into weird shit pic.twitter.com/DBxJT916tt
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) August 23, 2016
3.
It's so funny when someone with a desk job or some shit is like "Trust no one". Yo man, you're not Tupac. No one is out to get you, ya know?
— Chris D'Elia (@chrisdelia) August 21, 2016
4.
Wow, nature is beautiful pic.twitter.com/Xov4OqeIFf
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) August 20, 2016
5.
COP: any reason you were swerving back there?
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) August 19, 2016
ME: I dropped a curly fry on the floor
COP: and you had to-
ME: I had to get it
6.
This is the only dark, gritty reboot I want to see. pic.twitter.com/DRT3Ar2AQs
— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) August 21, 2016
7.
How's everyone's desperate need for attention coupled with their inherent need to be left alone all the time going today?
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) August 24, 2016
8.
my fave part of "the godfather" is when his mustache turns into a tree pic.twitter.com/1cCG2mNSM9
— brandon soderberg (@notrivia) August 22, 2016
9.
Why Aren't Millennials Buying Diamonds? Why Aren't Millennials Buying Houses? Why Aren't Millennials Pat & Barb, 63 & 65, of Massachusetts?
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) August 24, 2016
10.
When you're waiting for replies to a whole bunch of emails and there's nothing you can do but bide your time. pic.twitter.com/Ndiv5KTxJQ
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) August 24, 2016
11.
[muddy girl with long wet hair crawls out of tv]
— Bez (@Bez) August 24, 2016
Me: Rent plus utilities is $1250 a month.
[crawls back into tv]
12.
Got my hands on the screenplay for Sully, wow pic.twitter.com/uctWRkCaIO
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 20, 2016
13.
My coworkers often come to me with their problems. Just this morning Steve was asking how he could get me to stop throwing pen lids at him.
— mindflakes (@_mindflakes) August 26, 2016
14.
oh cool, my gmail account has anxiety too pic.twitter.com/FvbCQWsMJT
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 22, 2016
15.
— Logan Trent (@TheLoganTrent) August 23, 2016
16.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do. pic.twitter.com/suwxVttml4
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) August 20, 2016
17.
GUY WHO REFUELS AEROPLANES: yup... some fuel... there she is, all done... oops, almost forgot [lifts up big jug] the chemtrails
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 21, 2016
18.
man candle names all sound like they smell like cum pic.twitter.com/B3UkQR1A5z
— big daddy appropriat (@rachelmillman) August 24, 2016
19.
When I fill my car with gas I always pour a little out for my no car homies
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) August 21, 2016
20.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman pic.twitter.com/9cY9OARtIV
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) August 24, 2016
21.
I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass so it makes sense that you'd ask me to leave
— yusef roach (@yusefroach) August 23, 2016
22.
the boys are back in town pic.twitter.com/gRXnyy78xs
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) August 22, 2016
23.
[dusty, ancient Sumerian etching]
— Logan (@PlagueLovers) August 20, 2016
T B I N Y B T H
[wipes it off with cloth]
I T S B R I T N E Y B I T C H
24.
This isnt ok pic.twitter.com/Pzwmq6WptN
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) August 24, 2016
25.
We Suspended Critical Thought For A Decade & Let Like 600 Dudes With 7 Houses Apiece Eat The Economy. Why Aren't Young People Spending More?
— Albro IV (@bromanconsul) August 22, 2016
26.
Long day, gonna just heat up something quick for dinner pic.twitter.com/KCDUI2lXOR
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 22, 2016
27.
life hack: leave a bottle of water on your dashboard in the morning and drop a teabag into it at the end of the day for an after work treat
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) August 25, 2016
28.
"You DO like the new Frank Ocean! It IS a modern classic that blend elements of the Beach Boys, indie and jazz!" pic.twitter.com/5E1mBcBFvH
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) August 23, 2016
29.
today my coworker had a nosebleed & I was like WHO DID YOU KILL TINA
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) August 25, 2016
30.
sorry for making @fitbit obsolete and setting science back like 50 years, @neiltyson this bad boy count's steps too pic.twitter.com/9xGpQHUveo
— ryan (@Karate_Horse) August 22, 2016
31.
Donald Trump is what happens when a movie villain is never interrupted while he's telling you his plan.
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) August 25, 2016
32.
Well look who it is. The so-called friends who pressured me into a life of drug addiction pic.twitter.com/mQYl60xX5g
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 24, 2016
33.
I feel so abandoned and betrayed by food when I find mold on it. “You should have waited for me.”
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) August 21, 2016
34.
'NO... wait... don't come in! No, just listen Sharon... calm down. I can explain' pic.twitter.com/8XOyYSjFnL
— Thomas Noble (@_Noble) August 24, 2016
35.
wife: what are you doing
— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) August 26, 2016
me, herding 12 newborn sheep into the house: having friends over if you must know everything, Karen
36.
Not all heroes wear capes pic.twitter.com/yEys79kJF1
— No Relation (@TheCosby) August 25, 2016
37.
[3 daughters fight with lightsabers]
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 25, 2016
Me: I said no lightsaber duels in the house.
6-year-old: A duel is 2 people. We have 3.
Me: Proceed.
38.
Hackers have obtained my medical records and are attempting to to blackmail me so I've decided to release them here. pic.twitter.com/VeRarFuhHy
— Duncan Trussell PhD (@duncantrussell) August 23, 2016
39.
True or false. Baby Ruth chocolate bar was molded after an actual babe Ruth turd. Trick question! Babe Ruth never existed and he died
— ℳarlo ℳeekins (@MarloMeekins) August 26, 2016
40.
"Y'all really kissing your girl after she gives you head ?"
— Hattori Hanzō (@thefreeknd) August 25, 2016
Me: pic.twitter.com/fxfMW7QypN
41.
*after looking @ snapchat* man, everyones life is better than mine
— steph stone (@stephsstone) August 21, 2016
*after looking @ twitter* well, looks like we're all doing bout the same