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A teen got suspended for writing a sarcastic tweet. Now he's suing the school.

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Sarcasm is the lowest form of high school suspension. (via Facebook)

Reid Sagehorn, a former Rogers High School student, is suing the school district for violating his 1st and 14th amendment rights, and because even though he was never charged with a crime, his name is "forever linked with the term 'felony'".

According to the Star Tribune, the whole mess got started over a sarcastic tweet Sagehorn wrote. Someone anonymously asked him if he had made out with a 28-year-old teacher. Sagehorn, 17 at the time, jokingly responded, "Actually, yeah." 

Sagehorn, a member of the National Honor Society and captain of both the football and basketball teams, later said that the tweet was meant to be a joke, and that he didn't think anyone would believe him. But it was too late. While the school went to investigate whether a sexual relationship had taken place (there hadn't), the school immediately suspended him for damaging the teacher's reputation. That suspension started at 5 days but spun out of control to 2 months. 

In mid-February, Rogers Police chief Jeff Beahen incorrectly threatened that Sagehorn would be facing felony charges. The Hennepin Attorney's Office stated a couple days later that there would be no felony charges, and Beahen admitted he made a mistake. But still... the tweet was nowhere near threatening. How could anyone, especially a police chief, get all the way to felony?

Superintendent Bezek said months ago of the disciplinary measures that the district was in "uncharted waters." No kidding. Sagehorn's ridiculous punishment incited protest at the school and on the Internet.

Over a tweet. Over a two fucking word tweet. Sagehorn, honor student and star athlete, was forced to lose his captainship of the basketball team and withdraw from school and he still had 125 characters left.

Is this bullshit? Actually, yeah. 

(by Myka Fox)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 18, 2014

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1. Washington Redskins Learn That Racist Team Names Can't Be Trademarked

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has decided to revoke the racist trademark for the Washington Redskins due to the fact that the football team’s racist brand is "disparaging to Native Americans." The team, however, remains free to keep their racist name and logo in the absence of a trademark. They'll just have to share it with the world.


2. Emma Stone And Andrew Garfield Trick Paparazzi Into Not Being A Complete Force For Evil

Adorable celebrity couple Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have figured out a way to make people think they're even more adorable: They've started covering their faces with the web urls of charitable organizations when being photographed by paparazzi, thus forcing the misery-spreading photographers to choose between a 7,567,345th snapshot of the couple and promoting something non-soul-crushingly awful.


3. Kanye West Spent His Honeymoon Obsessing Over The Color Balance On His Wedding Photo Because He's Got His Priorities In Order

After Annie Leibovitz decided against photographing Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding last month—because, according to the groom, "she was, like, scared of the idea of celebrity"—West was forced to spend several days of his honeymoon color-correcting the wedding photos himself so that his new wife could have a perfect image to post on Instagram. “Because Annie pulled out, I was like, ‘Okay, I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz,’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for, like, four days because the flowers were off-color," West explained like a normal human.


4. Donald Trump Classes Up The Chicago Skyline With Giant Tribute To Himself

Double-win for Donald Trump! First he got to piss off an entire major metropolitan city when he had his name erected onto the side of his new skyscraper in 20-foot letters in Chicago. And then he got to go on TV and complain about the people complaining about it. He must be feeling on top of the world this week.


5. California Politician Resigns Over Literal Poo Flinging

The mayor of San Marino, California has resigned from office after a security camera caught footage of him throwing a bag of dog poop into the driveway of a neighbor with whom he shared long-standing political disagreements. No word yet on which 2016 presidential campaign he'll be joining as senior strategist.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

5 well-behaved dogs exit a car in a an impressively civilized manner.

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There's always one Wesley in the group.

Even when you're a dog, being packed into the back of a minivan with four other dogs can't be a very pleasant ride. For that matter, being packed into the back of a minivan with four of anything would be a pain in the ass. That's why you'd expect most dogs to fly out of this car like it was on fire and "Let It Go" was coming through the speakers.

So it's pretty impressive to see this pack file out of the car on command when their name is called. It would've been perfect formation, if it weren't for Wesley the Basset Hound standing at the edge of the bumper like he was on a high dive about to attempt a Triple Lindy.

To be fair, when your legs are only 3-inches long, any jump is probably a difficult jump.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Peak performance.

The one thing I've learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn't mastered the haircut.

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Alex BazeWed, 18 Jun 2014 14:42:47 EDT

The one thing I've learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn't mastered the haircut.

60-year-old man plays Modern Warfare 3 and talks smack to all the 12-year-olds.

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12-year-olds who are just starting to care about sounding cool vs a guy who just stopped caring.

Meet...this guy. I don't know who this grandfather is, but I'm so happy this guy is out there, defending me from the microphone chatter of lesser warriors. This is very reassuring for guys like myself who usually steer clear of the entire genre in order to avoid being ineptly cursed at by a bunch of tween boys. His smack talk is clear, to the point, and it doesn't go uselessly over the top.

Well, there's at least one grandpa out there who hates camping.

Of course, he still thinks he's being quieter and more polite than he is, and like all of us, he eventually rage-quits.

Bonus points to anyone who spots the hidden dog in this video.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Someone released the FBI's hilariously out-of-touch glossary of Internet slang.

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Oh, crap, it's the 12! Don't forget, 143 always. ::POOF::! (via MuckRock)

The NSA, as we all know, has gotten pretty good at the Internet. But the NSA isn't "supposed to" interact with everyday citizens or investigate them for domestic crimes. The FBI does. Which makes it all the more worrying that the FBI has very little idea of how the Internet works. Fortunately, they made a glossary of all the acronyms and slang words that the kids are using on the World Wide Web to hide messages from their parents and the feds.

This font quality is definitely not even AAB.

The first sign that this is written by a bunch of old fogies is that the list is entitled "Twitter Shorthand." That's right. That's worse than calling all hip-hop music "the rap." It's like people who call all video games "Mario" (this used to happen, kids). Not all of the lingo is wrong, of course, but the stuff that they make up is almost impossible to even understand.

Pretty innocuous...unless coffee is also slang for something.

Coffee is definitely code for something.

This list was made available to the public thanks to a Freedom of Information request from the site MuckRock. Sadly, the FBI tried to hide their shame by responding with a document that is so crappy and low-resolution that it's pretty much illegible to normal people. However, the Washington Post combed through it and found some of these gems (the best being "ALOTBSOL," or "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life." Apparently, cyber-criminals watch Monty Pyhton's "The Life Of Brian" a lot).

They also decoded slang from the 9th grade. 

WaPo also cross-checked it on Twitter to see how many times these "terms" have actually been used in the entire history of the website since 2007:

I think if someone ever used BTDTGTTSAWIO, I'd have to be all like BTWITIAILWY.

Check out more of the Washington Post's selections from this list or see the full fuzzy document over at MuckRock.

(by Johnny McNulty)


If Game of Thrones took place entirely on Facebook - The Season 4 Finale.

A photograph of the President playing ping pong has started a photoshop battle.

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Ping pong paddle meets photoshop battle.(via)

A photo of President Obama playing ping pong was taken a while back that went relatively unnoticed. Today, for reasons known only to redditor tacothecat, it was submitted to photoshopbattles for consideration, where it caught the eye of dozens of creative types with time on their hands. Or their employer's hands. Either way, over the last nine hours they've been having at it, and the results have been pretty great.

The Gambler in Chief. (via DrewHaef)

President Yoyobama. (via nomader)

How the West Wing was won.(via philphoto83)

Madam Secretary.(via DietPillPyramid)


Enter the President.(via totalitarian_jesus)

Masterchief.(via dovytn)

Hit, Forrest! (via aporter727)

Dance Dance Mister President. (via DatHandle)

An interview with Fox News.(via murica_stronk)

Many more 'shops of the paddling President can be found here.

6 tips for female hurricanes who want to be taken more seriously.

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A recent study suggested that people don't fear hurricanes with female names as much as they fear hurricanes with male names. As a result, female hurricanes are up to three times more deadly than their male counterparts. Yet despite this killing power, they're still paid only $0.77 on the dollar! 

So how can you, the average female hurricane, change the way lady cyclones are regarded in the office? Here are a few tips:    

1. Don't worry about being a people pleaser. For far too long, female hurricanes have tried to make everyone happy, seeing their role as nurturers instead of destroyers. But as a woman hurricane, you're going to have to make decisions—decimating century-old homes, toppling levees, drowning beloved pets—that won't always be popular. Be prepared for disparaging comments from male weather systems, who may call you "bossy" or worse. Remember: they're just intimidated by your ability to cause unprecedented coastal flooding.

2. Take risks to get ahead. You were a mere tropical storm once, but you had the ambition and nerve to develop a cyclonic shape with a central eye. Just because you're a little older and wiser now doesn't mean you should stop evolving. If you've been spiraling in a clockwise direction, try spiraling counterclockwise for a change! Ask yourself if that's really the lowest atmospheric pressure you can achieve. Shock everyone by transitioning to an extratropical zone. What's a place you could make landfall that no one's thought of yet? Indiana? 

3. Don't leave until you leave. You've always known that at some point you'd want to settle down, move inland, and spawn some tornadoes. But to quote Sheryl Sandberg, don't make landfall before you make landfall. Many young female hurricanes figure they won't even bother becoming bigger than a category 2 or 3 since they'll just have to give it up when they dissipate over land while begetting dangerous thunderstorms. If you keep gaining deadly strength right up until you deliver a pounding the likes of which Bermuda has never seen before, however, you'll be that much higher up the ladder when you get back from maternity leave.

4. Dream big. Male hurricanes get ahead because they believe they deserve to have it all. If Hurricane Andrew had been content with the status quo, he never would have become the costliest hurricane in history up to that point. Yet too often, female cyclones have trouble envisioning themselves causing a damaging storm surge or achieving wind speeds over 195 miles per hour. You have to believe in your own destructive potential if you want to get ahead, so take time to daydream about your future. 

5. Sit at the table. Female cyclones are often plagued by self-doubt, relegating themselves to the sidelines while the big boy monsoons make the news. That's a mistake. If you underestimate yourselves, others will, too. But don't just sit at the table. Sit on the table. Crush the table. Good. Now move on to some other furniture. Miami isn't going to flatten itself. 

6. Support other women hurricanes. Start a circle of like-minded female cyclones and meet regularly to swirl and offer support. Discuss the issues that affect all of you while you gather strength, combining your powers to become terrifyingly strong. Don't think of other women hurricanes as the enemy. If you merge, your destructive capabilities will become unparalleled.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

14 Penalty Cards For Annoying World Cup Fans

Trademark performance.

Soldier whose ex sold his dog on Craigslist while he was deployed will get him back.

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No woman could ever come between them. (via Facebook)

When Colorado Springs soldier Robby Gabbert was deployed to Afghanistan, he left his three-year-old Shiba Inu, Baxter, in the care of his girlfriend. At some point, they broke up, and his ex promptly sold Baxter on Craigslist. Yeah. And you thought your ex sucked. 

With another six months left on his tour, Robby was helpless to recover Baxter, but he put up a post on Craigslist explaining what had happened.


(screengrab via Gawker)

Luckily for Robby, some strangers saw the story and set up a Facebook page to help find Baxter (the page has since been taken down as part of an agreement with the family who has Baxter). Unfortunately, the military family who bought Baxter didn't want to give him up, saying their young kids had already become attached. To be fair, they thought they'd legitimately purchased Baxter and had no idea they were part of some horrible human-canine love triangle.

But with the Internet's help, Robby's family raised money to offer as a reward and put pressure on the family who'd adopted Baxter to give him back. And now local NBC affiliate KOAA reports that Baxter is heading home to Robby's family. 


(via Facebook)

Here's hoping Baxter's new family gets a new dog they love just as much, and Robby gets a new girlfriend who is worthy of being anywhere near Baxter.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Pop star Sia turned 467K Twitter followers against a dry cleaning business she was unhappy with.

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She must have really gone after the hair salon.(via)

Australian singer-songwriter Sia had a problem with a dry cleaning business in Queens, NY recently, and instead of doing what most people would do (overeat while sulking), she decided to channel her inner Charlie Sheen and ask 467K Twitter followers to submit "suggestions for revenge/pranks."

Plenty of suggestions came in. None of them good. But one of them caught Sia's eye.

Suddenly Metropolitan Garment Cleaning in Flushing, Queens was having its online reputation destroyed by people from all over the globe who couldn't find Flushing on a map of Queens. They were accused of everything from ruining clothes and causing skin cancer, to being called meth-producing laundry nazis capable of murder. Basically, not the kind of Yelp reviews a small business is looking for.

The page has since been cleaned up, and locals who may have actually used their service came to their defense. 


Even Sia came to her senses after a while, and retweeted a late entry to the bunch.

She probably realized that in the music business, where image is practically everything, a millionaire using her celebrity to bully a small business is not a good look.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


7 new carnival freaks to look out for at sideshows this summer.

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Summer is here which means it's time to hit the theme park! If the roller coasters didn't scare you enough, you can always take a trip to the sideshow tent to see the strangest people imaginable. But when The Bearded Lady and the World's Smallest Couple aren't weird enough, you can check out these brand new freaks to make your skin crawl!

(by Dan Wilbur)

(Designed by Cole Mitchell

Free pregnancy tests to be distributed in Alaskan bars, must bring own pee.

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Come on in and pee on a stick! (via Trip Advisor)

If you are in Alaska and don't know if your uterus is occupied, go to the bar. They're giving out free pregnancy tests now. 

Alaska has the highest rate of fetal alcohol syndrome in the country, so, as part of a state-funded effort by the University of Alaska, they are installing pregnancy test dispensers in bars in hopes of preventing this preventable disease. 

The program, which has already been tried in Minnesota, which is intended to improve the lives of the unborn, was designed by Healthy Brains for Children, which sounds like it was formed by the undead. They are not, however, a proactive group for zombie moms, but rather an organization dedicated to increasing awareness of fetal alcohol syndrome and helping to prevent it.

ABC news reports that Jody Allen Crowe, founder of Healthy Brains, says that the program isn't meant for alcoholics. According to Crowe, "Right now 50 percent of pregnancies across the nation are unexpected. This is really focusing on women who are casual drinkers, people who would never drink if they knew they were pregnant."

Let's say it's for casual drinkers and/or casual mothers. 

Obviously this program has the best of intentions, though I'm not sure a long wait during happy hour is the way I'd want to find out I was creating a human life. Still, better to know than to not. 

Plus, the additional upside: if you do find out you are pregnant at the bar, you can't drink but at least you can sleep with someone there without worrying about getting pregnant.

(by Myka Fox)

The Vine of the Summer is here, and it's compressed all your childhood daydreams into six seconds.

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Nice form, kid. Too bad it's about to get all scrunched up.

Christian Leonard is a very successful Vine person (Viner?) with over 800,000 followers. He really enjoys adding some visual magic to his creations (and revining other similar clips), and he apparently also gets to lead huge concert crowds in call-and-response games. All those accomplishments are just prologue, however, to this Vine he made of a kid trying to jump in a pool and getting intercepted by some sort of magical demigod:

He still nailed that dive.

The vine has been shared hundreds of thousands of times and retweeted by NBC Sports and even Rob Kardashian himself (maybe this will inspire Rob to work out? Get off the sizzurp, buddy. I'm ashamed to admit I'm worried about you). 

He's not the first guy to try some movie editing magic on Vine, but he's the first one to capture the spirit of the season and a common daydream we all had as kids in seven seconds. So congratulations, Christian! You can coast until September.

Next up, can you do one where you're looking out a car window on a family road trip and imagine yourself sprinting along the guardrail? That would pretty much make all my summer daydreams complete.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Change of pace.

Missing cat returns home 13 years later.

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I hope I'd get that kind of distinguished, grizzled look if I took off for 13 years.

No one knows why Moggy ran away (she was named Moggy?) in 2001, but that's not nearly as inexplicable as how she showed up back home 13 years later. Not that her family recognized her at first. When she showed up, she was a flea-ridden, fur-matted wreck of a stray that her owner Paula Harper-Adams of Geelong, Australia, immediately took to the vet like any good animal lover. 

Once she was there, though, she just got a feeling. As Paula told 7News Melbourne, "It was standing at the vet, where I had this moment, where I thought, could it possibly be our cat that ran away 13 years ago?" Vet technicians dug up an old photo of Moggy and sure enough, all the markings matched, and the cat was certainly behaving like it knew everyone (to be fair, a lot of them always do that). Where Moggy had been, no one knows, but apparently she's found herself and is ready to settle down again.

Said Natalie Dorain, an administrator at the vet clinic, "For someone to find their cat after such a long time and wondering what had happened to your cat all that time, I think we all sort of felt pretty emotional about that." Sort of? I'm getting verklempt from thousands of miles away!

Ms. Harper-Adams got the cat a few weeks before finding out she was pregnant with her first child, so the animal is actually older than everyone else in the house now. That doesn't mean her son Charlie doesn't remember her from when he was very young. "I was literally jumping up and down when I found out," said Charlie.

We're pretty happy for you, too, Charlie. Now, remember to close the door on your way out from now on.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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