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5 random things that turn women on, proven by science.

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What turns women on? This is one of the greatest mysteries in the universe. No it isn't. But that hasn't stopped researchers from trying to figure it out. Who needs cures for diseases, right? Here are 5 crazy things women are attracted to according to science.

Stop looking! It's compliments! We just want compliments!

1. A ten-day-old beard.

Jon Hamm yes. Duck Dynasty no.

Give your razor a rest this weekend. According to a 2013 Australian study, the most attractive beard length is "heavy stubble," which is approximately 10 days of growth. Bushy beards, light stubble, and clean shaven faces were not ranked as attractive. It goes back to our caveman days, says science writer Rik Myslewski, "Beard quality, thickness, and fullness would signal to potential mates that he was sexually mature and prepared for fatherhood." These days it just shows us he's prepared to store some leftover food in there.


2. The smell of candy.

Throw away your ax body spray. A scientific study found the scent women were most turned on by is Good & Plenty, aka the shitty licorice candy that looks like pills. Best smelling runners up were a combination of Licorice and cucumber, which caused a 13% increase in vaginal blood flow, and a combination of lavender and pumpkin pie increased vaginal blood flow by 11%.
The smells that turned women on the least were cherry and charcoal barbecue smoke. This is the worst news my Dad has gotten since he found out I wasn't using my college degree.


3. A deep voice.

Time for your best Barry White impression.

A study published in the journal of Personality and Individual Differences says that women are more attracted to guys with deep voices. Before you go all Darth Vadar on your girl, you should know the study also found that women perceived men with deep voices as being more likely to cheat on them. What up with that?

Find you a man that sounds like MJ.

4. A long... ring finger.

This guy is so hot, we can't even show you his face.

Sorry Donald Trump, long fingers make women crazy horny. A recent scientific study showed that the longer a man's ring finger is compared to his index finger, the more women will think he's attractive and manly. If your fingers are stubby, blame your mom. A man's ring finger length is determined by the amount of testosterone he was exposed to in the womb.


7. Not your dong.

Keep that sheet on, hunk!

If you needed another reason not to send a dick pick, a study on female desire, found that women were more turned on by watching two apes bone than they were watching a muscular man walking on the beach with a flaccid penis. It turns out that a limp dong doesn’t do much for the lady libido, regardless of how hot the rest of the dude is. Don't get too depressed, fellas. Once erect, men got way more attractive in the study.

Still, don't send us dick pics.

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All-day silence.

7 celebrities with grandparents even more fabulous than they are.

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Today is Grandparents Day. Yes, it's a thing! Hey, if great mothers get their own special holiday, and good fathers get their own special holiday, it's only fair that the people who made your parents so great get a day of celebration, too. Here are some celebrities that have grandparents that are maybe even as amazing as yours.

1. Patricia Arquette.

"And another thing. Birdman. Totally overrated, right?"

The Oscar winneris part of a Hollywood dynasty. Her siblings Rosanna, David, and Alexis are all well known performers. Their father, Lewis Arquette was also an actor; his IMDB page would suggest he had a guest appearance on just about every TV show of the '70s and '80s. The Arquette children's grandfather was quirky character actor Cliff Arquette, who just as often was known as Charlie Weaver, a popular character he played a bunch on The Jack Paar Show. The eldest Arquette also played Mrs. Butterworth in TV commercials and wrote a bunch of novelty songs with names like "Don't Give the Chair to Buster" and "On the Boardwalk at Snider's Swamp."


2. Riley Keogh.

Her grandfather is the King, so she's a princess. It's the law.

She gained big exposure in every sense of the word by starring on Starz's dark psychosexual drama The Girlfriend Experience. Her mother is Elvis Presley's only child, Lisa Marie Presley.​


3. Ben Whishaw.

He's like a younger, more pronounceable Benedict Cumberbatch.

British actor Ben Whishaw is best known for being handsome, the voice of Paddington in Paddington, and costarring as Q in Skyfall and Spectre. But while he was in a spy movie, his grandfather lived one. His grandfather, Jean Stellmacher served in the German army during World War II. But it was a ruse—he secretly connected with British authorities and served as a spy for the good guys, relaying the Nazi plan to invade North Africa.


4. Kate and Rooney Mara.

They are ready for some football. Always.

Kate was in The Martian and House of Cards; Rooney got Oscar nominations for her roles in the American remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and Carol. A bunch of their granddads and great granddads have been major figures in the NFL. Their maternal great-grandfather Art Rooney founded the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1933. Their paternal great-grandfather Tim Mara founded the New York Giants in 1925.


5. Jason Ritter.

He's seen even more episodes of Three's Company than you have.

Jason Ritter is that guy from Parenthood and Another Period who looks exactly like late Three's Company and 8 Simple Rules star John Ritter if he had a beard. Well, get this: Jason Ritter is John Ritter's son! And John Ritter's father was pioneering country music singer and movie "singing cowboy" Tex Ritter.


6. Joss Whedon.

"Father, tell me another rousing story from the set of Benson."

He's probably the first third-generation TV writer in history, because TV isn't all that old of a medium. Long before Whedon was making up vampire slayers and whatever Dollhouse was, his father, Tom Whedon was writing for The Golden Girls and Benson. Joss's grandpa John Whedon was on the writing staffs of The Donna Reed Show and The Dick Van Dyke Show.


7. Kit Harington.

It goes back a bit farther than just "grandfather," but Game of Thrones star Kit Harington is the descendent of 16th century writer and inventor John Harington. His most famous creation is pretty important. In 1596, Harington invented the world's first flush toilet, and installed it in his house in England. So they're both into thrones!

7 celebrities who've bragged about their sex skillz.

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Celebrities are horny and boning each other like crazy. I guess that's where all those adorable celebrity babies are coming from. While most of us were taught it's not polite to kiss and tell, these celebs apparently didn't get the memo. Here are 7 famous people who shared too much information about their kinky sex lives.

I'm not listening. I'm not listening.

1. Ciara & Russell Wilson

Russell Got The Nookie Lastnight 😂😋👅 @ciara @dangerusswilson #ciara #csquad #teamciara #thewilsons #russci #russellwilson

A video posted by Mrs. & Mr. Wilson 💍 (@ciarasnapchats) on

Singer Ciara and NFL player Russell Wilson publicly declared they were remaining celibate until their wedding night. Once they became man and wife, however, they couldn't stop bragging about doin' the deed. Ciara bragged to the world that she and Wilson consummated the marriage via Snapchat. I hope this trend does not catch on.


2. John Mayer

Listen to the river sing sweet songs

A photo posted by johnmayer (@johnmayer) on

Huge tool and celebrity horn dog, John Mayer has apparently had sex with almost every girl in Hollywood, but there was one he couldn't stop bragging about. In a super douchey 2010 interview with Playboy, Mayer said ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson was “crack cocaine.” “Sexually it was crazy." He said. "That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f—–g snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f–k you, I would start selling all my s–t just to keep f—–g you.'”

He probably made this face the whole time.

3. Amber Rose

Keep it 💯 #DBAP

A photo posted by Amber Rose (@amberrose) on

You've gotta love Amber Rose's attitude. She's not shy about dishing the details of her active sex life. Recently Rose described her experience in a threesome, but it was this Tweet to her ex boyfriend Kanye West that truly broke the Internet with it's hilarious hashtag.


4. Olivia Wilde

“We have sex like Kenyan marathon runners,” actress Olivia Wilde bragged about her love life with husband Jason Sudekis. Sounds sweaty and painful.


5. Michael Douglas

Friday in love 💕 #fbf

A photo posted by Catherine Zeta-Jones (@catherinezetajones) on


Ew, remember when Michael Douglas said he got throat cancer from too much oral sex? Sadly this wasn't his first sexual TMI. Back in a 2010 interview with AARP magazine, Douglas boasted about banging his much-younger wife Catherine Zeta-Jones. “But God bless her that she likes older guys. And some wonderful enhancements have happened in the last few years—Viagra, Cialis—that can make us all feel younger,” he said. For some reason, I can't not read that in his Behind the Candelabra Liberace voice.

Stop talking forever, Michael Douglas.

6. Robin Thicke

Met this girl 2 years ago today! Lucky Boy

A photo posted by Robin Thicke (@robinthicke) on

Before this dip-shit ruined his marriage, the "Blurred Lines singer told Essence that he made love to his wife for two to three hours at a time. "I like to try to get her into double-digit orgasms as much as possible. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when I’ve got my mojo and my swag, it happens. Every few months it’s just like bam -- repeated. Repeated!" She still left him.


7. Nick Cannon

Back when he was still married to his "Dream Lover" Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon bragged to Howard Stern that he jerked it to Mariah's songs when she was out of town, specifically "Hero." Ew. Of course they also made sweet love together to her music too, because of course they did.

That's love, Mariah! Take him back!

Feeling safe.

Hillary Clinton attends 9/11 ceremony, despite being treated for pneumonia.

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A physician for Hillary Clinton says that the presidential candidate is being treated for pneumonia. Apparently, the presidential candidate has been taking antibiotics since Friday.

This statement comes after Clinton was seen leaving a ceremony commemorating the 15th anniversary of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks in lower Manhattan.

Initially, Clinton's campaign claimed the former Secretary of State had "overheated" during the event before abruptly departing. It was only revealed later in the day that Clinton has been receiving treatment for an infection.

On one hand, she works even when sick. On the other hand, it's a little shady that her team wasn't more honest about her sudden illness.

Clinton spent time recuperating at her daughter Chelsea's New York apartment before being seen again, in good spirits.

Trump supporters were quick to jump on this story for many reasons, none of them being genuine concern for the health of a woman. But, mostly, Trump supporters were happy to not have to explain recently resurfaced interview from Sept. 11th 2001 of their candidate gloating about how a building he owns is back to being the tallest in lower Manhattan.

So that's the political news today: one candidate made a dramatic exit from a memorial ceremony that fed unsubstantiated rumors that she is harboring untreatable health problems. Meanwhile, audio evidence revealed that the other candidate can't help but make every issue, including unfolding national tragedy, about him.

This will continue to unfold for the next eight weeks. Hopefully, we'll all get through this.

Workplace


Rob Kardashian learned the gender of his baby and didn't even pretend to be happy about it.

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Sorry, Rob. Looks like you are doomed to remain the sole male Kardashian.

On Sunday's premier of the latest Kardashian spin off showRob & Chyna, Rob and his fiance found out that they are expecting a baby girl. Rob, who was pretty vocal about wanting a boy, had a lukewarm reaction to finding out about his daughter-to-be. Seriously, how much estrogen can one man handle?

In the past, Rob revealed he wanted a son because he was hoping to replicate the special relationship he had with his father, the late attorney Robert Kardashian.

He also disclosed that he wanted a boy to "carry on the family name," as if this were the 1800s or something.

Well, Rob, it's safe to say that you don't need a male to carry on the Kardashian name. Your sisters have been doing that all by themselves while you've been holed up in your house making socks for the past several years.

'SNL' star Pete Davidson's tribute to his father, a 9/11 firefighter, was moving and hilarious.

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Saturday Night Live's Pete Davidson is a Staten Island native whose firefighter dad was killed in the attacks on September 11. On Sunday, to mark the 15th anniversary of his father's death, Davidson naturally took to Instagram to bust his dad's balls.

First, he posted a sweet photo of the two of them sharing some beers when Pete was a toddler, and thanked people for their support.

In a separate post, he shared a photograph of his dad pouring a beer while "lookin like a young legend," and he roasted his dad (why stop with Ann Coulter?) for wearing Skechers to work.

Later, Davidson posted a photo of himself wearing his dad's old high school jersey while performing at Oddball—a comedy festival—in Camden, New Jersey.

Rockin my dads old high school jersey for Oddball tonight !! See you there BB&T !!

A photo posted by Pete Davidson (@petedavidson) on

In the past, 22-year-old Davidson has spoken openly about the traumatizing effect of his father's death, and how empowering it has been to make comedy out of tragedy.

"There’s nothing I won’t joke about," he told the New York Times last fall. "And I think it’s because of what happened to me. That’s the worst thing that could ever happen to somebody. Now it’s just like, 'Who cares, man?'"

A girl let a guy buy her a drink at a bar, then got the worst text from him weeks later.

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Usually when a guy buys you a drink while out at a club and then texts you after, he is asking for a date. But when Liam, a man who met 18-year-oldAbby Fenton at a bar, texted her, he was asking for something totally different.

Abby told LADbible, "He came up to me and he seemed okay. Then he offered to buy me a drink so I accepted then walked off to join my friends."

She went on to say, "I just remember him being tall. I literally asked nothing about him. I didn't find him good looking, I just thought it was a free drink."

Well, there is no such thing as a free drink when it comes to butt hurt dudes who think you owe them something.

You know when people say chivalry is dead? This is what they're talking about.

Let's just make something clear. Men, if you willingly decide spend your money to buy a woman a drink/dinner/a brand new car, that does not automatically mean she owes you.

Not her attention, not sex, not anything. YOU HEAR ME, LIAM? THIS IS DIRECTED AT YOU, LIAM.

In the end, Abby decided to pay back the £6.50 (about $8.50 in US Dollars). She said doesn't regret doing so, even though 83% of 18,000 people polled on Twitter told her she shouldn't have repaid him. "No, I'm glad I did. I just hope that he enjoys spending his £6.50 wisely," Abby told LADbible.

Let's be real, he's probably going to use that £6.50 to buy another girl a drink.

10 Halloween costumes we’re already tired of seeing two months in advance.

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By far the scariest thing about Halloween is seeing all the tasteless costumes marching slowly towards you—costumed sleeves extended like a hoard of people who should have dressed as zombies instead of Caitlyn Jenner—and not being able to stop them.

1. Harambe

He had a tough year. No need to make it worse. Don't get a gorilla suit.

2. The Zika virus

After the 2014 sexy ebola costume happened, this was inevitable. People already tried out the Zika costume during the Rio Olympics, and it's a soul-sucking idea.

3. Harley Quinn

Clearly, this is not a terrible costume like Harambe or Zika, it's just too overdone. It's only September, and it's already overdone.

4. Donald Trump's hair

Even wearing a big shaggy rug and saying you're Donald Trump's hair is not clever enough. This goes for any Donald Trump pun, or any Donald Trump costume. Too easy! Sad!

5. This Tom​ Hiddleston look

Okay, this is a great costume. And hopefully you're the only one who thought of it and made a custom T on the web. But you're probably not. Sad!

6. Ryan Lochte

An additional 50 points from Gryffindor every time you use this costume to justify peeing on a gas station wall.

7. (Sexy) Hillary Clinton (in jail)

Donald Trump got 13 million votes in the primary, so you know at least half those people will grab a wig and an orange jump suit and ruin the holiday for their children.

8. The goose that brought down Sully

Don't char the edges of this a little and wear it trick-or-treating. This movie comes out in September—but the bird will be sucked up into the jets of October through the power of mean-spirited ideas.

9. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard (couple's costume)

Come on guys.

10. AirPods

This is a topical costume for besties. Must avoid.

Ariel Winter posted an open letter saying 'thank you' to her cyberbullies.

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Modern Family star Ariel Winter has long been a target of online bullying due to her unique experience of playing a "nerd" on TV while being a hot bombshell IRL. On Sunday, she 'grammed out a beautifully written thank you note to her haters.

Nothing but love ❤️

A photo posted by Ariel Winter (@arielwinter) on

Every time someone bullies me online it gives me the chance to re-emphasize to my fans, and even to myself, how important self-acceptance is. Those who say such harsh things on my Instagram, thank you for this opportunity. But the question I ask myself each time I read the mean comments is if this is how you talk to a stranger online, I can only imagine how cruelly you speak to yourself.

Woah woah woah, this was supposed to be about you, thinks the troll who created a fake username because the reality of who they really are is too hard to face. But Winter's message continues with love.

Stop the hate. Accept all that you are and know your flaws are what make you the PERFECT you. I love my fans and I love my bullies for what they truly NEED is love. Take the high road, there is less traffic. XO

Damn, that's some good lemonade Winter just brewed from from her hate lemons. Drink it up, haters.

Korean blogger uses makeup to transform into Kylie Jenner just like Kylie does.

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Prolific makeup artist Hye-Min Park, of PONY Makeup, transformed into Kylie Jenner with a routine almost as intensive as the 15-step, $380one Kylie uses herself. Having used the infinite powers of contouring (and scary bright blue contacts) to transform into Taylor Swift, Park is a real-life Mystique, shape-shifting into celebrities with Sephora rather than mutant powers.

It's transfixing in timelapse, and almost the exact amount of time and effort it takes for Kylie Jenner to look like Kylie Jenner every day.

Beyoncé interrupted "Single Ladies" to help some friends put a ring on it onstage.

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On the St. Louis, Missouri stop of her Formation World Tour, queen of the universe Beyoncé Knowles stopped in the middle of "Single Ladies" to help two of her back-up dancers become single no more. On Sunday night, instead of inviting up fans from the audience during the song (like she did on the opening night of her tour), Beyoncé surprised her dance captain, Ashley Everett, by inviting up Everett's boyfriend (and fellow Beyoncé back-up dancer) John Silver. And then in front of thousands of screaming fans, Silver proceeded to, oh yes, put a ring on it.

Silver, who's from St. Louis, took the mic and said, "She’s my queen, so I feel like it’s only right to come out here in my hometown," he told the crowd, before getting down on one knee and asking Everett if she'd marry him.

Imagine everyone in the world filming your proposal. No pressure.

She said yes.

The only thing missing from this hug sandwich is Beyoncé.

And then it was back to dance business as usual, but this time with a big ol' ring on it.

She didn't mess up the choreography one bit.

There’s a scientific explanation for this viral optical illusion, but it’s still freaky.

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The latest viral optical illusion melting brains and burning eyeballs is the Case of the Disappearing Dots (which would also make an excellent Sherlock Holmes book).

Posted by game developer Will Kerslake to Reddit on Sunday, it took over the site Monday morning with angry nerds insisting it must be a GIF.

But alas, the picture is still, and it is simply the fault of the brain that it cannot comprehend more than three dots.

A well-read commenter linked out to the scientific paper, Variations on the Hermann Grid: An Extinction Illusionwhich explains how the phenomenon works.

When the white disks in a scintillating grid are reduced in size, and outlined in black, they tend to disappear. One sees only a few of them at a time, in clusters which move erratically on the page. Where they are not seen, the grey alleys seem to be continuous, generating grey crossings that are not actually present. Some black sparkling can be seen at those crossings where no disk is seen. The illusion also works in reverse contrast.

The paper doesn't say why exactly this happens, but it appears to be linked to the phenomenon of "crowding," which is the inability to recognize objects in clutter.

To think: the next time you find yourself staring at a Hermann Grid, there are dots hiding in plain sight.

Human troll Martin Shkreli heckled Hillary Clinton on the street for being sick.

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On Sunday, used Kleenex with a face Martin Shkreli continued to defend his title as "literally the worst" when he heckled Hillary Clinton on the streets of NYC. The presidential candidate had left a 9/11 ceremony early because she was feeling ill (she has reportedly been fighting pneumonia).

This maybe isn't surprising coming from the same half-eaten chicken nugget who hiked the price of a lifesaving AIDS medication by 5000% and also messed with the Wu-Tang Clan.

The former Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO posted a video of his heckling, which he accurately captioned "me yelling stupid stuff at Hillary."

“Are you alive?" he yells in the video. "Do you need Pharma Bro’s help?” He also yells, "Drop out!" and, simply, "Trump!" (Bet you can't believe this guy is a huge Trump supporter.)

Oh, and he Periscoped the whole thing:

Shkreli reportedly told the Daily News that Chelsea Clinton’s apartment “is an advanced medical facility” and that Hillary Clinton "was presumably in some kind of stretcher...Nobody saw that. That's my imagination at work.”

In his defense, Shkreli's probably still recovering from when Patton Oswalt brutally demolished him on Twitter last week.

If you see any Shkreli residue, please dispose of it in a nearby trash can. Let's keep our streets clean.

Chris Brown's Colin Kaepernick move would have been more meaningful if he wasn't Chris Brown.

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On Sunday night, Chris Brown followed 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick's lead by reportedly sitting down during the the national anthem before a charity basketball game in which he was playing.

Refusing to stand for the anthem would probably have been more effective as a political statement if he could somehow not be Chris Brown while doing it.

R&B singer Tank, who performed the national anthem Sunday, said before the song:

I understand everybody's exercising their right to stand or to sit, and exercising their right to freedom and justice, but in the wake of 9/11, please understand and respect the fact that real men and women and children lost their lives for this very thing that we're able to stand for today, for this very place that we're in, for this interaction, for this moment, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna sing, I'ma lead, 'cause all y'all can't sing, but I'd love it if everybody in this building could sing along with me.

He wasn't into the anthem, but definitely appreciated Tank's good as hell voice.

However, the solemnity of Brown's seated protest was almost immediately nullified by a fight, during the game, that Brown managed to get into with someone in the stands. It apparently escalated to the point that the police to had to get involved. At a charity basketball game. On 9/11.

Oh well, Chris Brown's gonna Chris Brown.

Did you know Starbucks will make your dog a 'Puppuccino?'

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The next time you go into Starbucks for a PSL, don't forget about your furry friends. Did you know that Starbucks actually has a drink just for dogs? It's called the Puppuccino, and it's as adorable as it sounds.

Check out this police dog in Ohio enjoying his morning jolt:

#offduty pupachino run for K-9 Yasso. Life is full of rewards. It's not always work and training for him. He's treated as family and he's a good boy. #policek9 #twinsburgk9unit #thinbluelinefamily #gsd #pupachino #starbucks

Posted by Twinsburg K-9 Unit on Thursday, September 8, 2016

Okay, so maybe calling the Puppuccino a "drink" is a little bit of a stretch. It's actually just a dog-size espresso cup full of whipped cream. It's completely free of charge, for police dogs and canine civilians alike. It doesn't contain any caffeine, but man, your dog will be bouncing off the walls with excitement.

All you have to do is ask your barista for one. Look how happy these dogs are! If you won't get your dog a Puppuccino purely to bring a smile to their face, do it for the A+ Instagrams you'll get out of it.

Looks like Otis loves #starbucks just as much as his momma! #puppuchino #thedopteddoxie #furmom #basic

A photo posted by Cassie Lenski (@lenskicl) on

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Hillary Clinton, because she had to have a lie-down.

Who wouldn't become ill running a campaign against Donald Trump?

The media is abuzz with news that Hillary Clinton was forced to leave the 9/11 memorial ceremony in New York early on Sunday due to medical reasons. Initially, her campaign claimed that the former secretary of state was "overheated," but subsequently revealed that she was under treatment for pneumonia, and had been since Friday.

In recent weeks, rival candidate Donald Trump, his surrogates, and his army of trolls have accused Clinton of being too unhealthy to serve as president, based on zero evidence. But now that they have a tiny shred, along with the damning fact that she tried to hide it, the Alt Right is letting their conspiracy theories run wild. As of Monday morning, #HillarysBodyDouble was the second-most popular hashtag on Twitter.

One thing is still unclear: Is Clinton's double ALSO a shapeshifting lizard? It's really hard to keep these theories straight these days.


4. Chloë Grace Moretz, because she had a "Come to Jesus" moment and quit all her movie roles.

Still not the most pretentious thing she's said.

At just 19, Chloë Grace Moretz is the consummate overachiever. She's appeared in 55 movies and gotten into feuds with the world's biggest stars. So of course, it's time for her to retire. She told The Hollywood Reporter that after wrapping her most recent film, she had a "Come to Jesus" moment (whatever that is) and axed her acting career.

So I pulled the plug on all my movies because I want to reassess who I am and find myself within my roles again … I’m realizing that I can slow down.

Maybe her recently resurrected feud with Kim Kardashian or her breakup with Brooklyn Beckham convinced her that she was overexposed. They convinced everyone else.


3. Rob Kardashian, because he wanted a boy.

Rob may yet be the last Kardashi-man.

Rob Kardashian was raised in a house with half a dozen of the most powerful women in the world, and it almost drove him mad. So you can't blame him for craving some bro time. But for now, it's not to be. He and his pregnant fiancée Blac Chyna just learned the gender of their little scion, and because the Kardashian brand is THAT strong, it's going to be a girl. Look at Rob's reaction when he heard the news:

That's the same face the rest of the world made when they realized there was another Kardashian woman on the way.

2. A guy who was arrested for pretending he saw a creepy clown.

Creepy clowns have been in the news a lot recently. To the dismay of legitimate clowns, reports keep cropping up of menacing clowns lurking around South Carolina, threatening the citizenry with violence and terrible slapstick. But could some of these close encounters of the nerd kind be fabricated? Yes, obviously. That's why 24-year-old David Wayne Armstrong of Winston-Salem was arrested on Friday.

Armstrong filed a report with police claiming that a clown had knocked on his window, and that he had subsequently chased the painted freak into the woods. But he was later arrested after admitting he made the whole thing up.

If this seems like a harmless prank, you're wrong. Coulrophobia (the fear of clowns) is at an all-time high in South Carolina. Only days before Armstrong's report, rumors had spread of a clown attempting to lure children into the woods with candy. (What is it with clowns and the woods?) Those rumors, like all the rest, have not been substantiated. But even still, just saying the word "clown" in SC is enough to make police issue a Red Nose Alert right now. Armstrong just learned that the hard way.


1. A drunk racist woman who tried to start some sh*t in a London bus.

A late weekend night, a major metropolitan city, public transportation… these factors are all liable to produce a powder keg. And in post-Brexit London, racial tensions may make that keg explode—that's what happened on this East Dulwich bus over the weekend. Unfortunately, the woman starting it failed to realize that she was too drunk to fight, and she wasn't a martial arts master.

It's got to hurt when being a racist is only the second-most embarrassing aspect of your viral video.

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