Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you can now search for a potential sperm donor the way you search for a potential mate—via app. The UK just got its first sperm donor app, and it's set up a lot like Tinder.

The London sperm bank app, currently nicknamed "order a daddy," allows users to swipe through donor profiles which include things like physical traits, donor bios, medical background, and even sketches.

Not included, however, are donors' pictures or names; the men are referred to by number only (as they always should be).

People seeking sperm can create a "wish list" of donor profiles, and when they've made a choice they simply order online and the sperm is delivered to a clinic of their choosing.

The "wish list" function also allows users to specify preferences and receive notifications when there's a suitable donor available.

Some people have criticized the app, saying that it trivializes parenthood, but to address that concern the London Sperm Bank issued a statement saying, "Ordering sperm from an online catalogue or an app does not trivialise treatment, and every step meets the requirements of the HFEA."

Well, that clears that up.

Making it easy for people to make educated decisions about the genetic traits of their future children isn't trivializing parenthood, that's just making a difficult process more streamlined and convenient. Offering a sale on certain sperm might be a different story. BOGO!

Sorry if your mom spent the day panicking yesterday because of this:

That's right: Miley Cyrus, the person who taught Middle America what "twerking" means, took over for Ellen DeGeneres, the person who taught Middle America that lesbians can be just as harmless and inoffensive as straight people. But Cyrus did a surprisingly capable job pandering to the daytime talk show set:

"Ellen will be fine, but she's just not feeling well," Cyrus said. "So, she asked me to fill in. And, of course, I said yes for my girl Ellen. And I gave her a bunch of molly to make her feel better. It's working!"

I'm sure moms loved that joke about molly. Still, she totally pulled off the inspirational everyday person interview:

Still, on behalf of worried moms everywhere: get well soon, Ellen.

The recent placid era in Hollywood history has come to an end: Miley Cyrus said something not-so-nice about Mariah Carey. In an interview published Tuesday in Elle, Cyrus was discussing her role as a judge on The Voice, and was asked about a moment she advised a contestant that not everyone can be Mariah Carey. Miley told Elle she's not a fan of Mariah.

"I've never really been a fan, because it's so much about Mariah Carey. That's part of her shtick; I can see through that," she said. "That's part of what makes her a gay icon; like, it's about Mimi! It's about what she's wearing, and it's about her."

Cyrus thinks of herself as a wee bit morally superior, saying: "What I make isn't about me. It's about sharing my story; it's about someone being connected to what I'm saying."

Carey's response? None yet, but she's probably doing this.

Likely after screaming, "OH, YOU WANT ME TO WEAR THE WEDDING RING, I'LL WEAR THE DAMN WEDDING RING," an unfortunate Chinese man sought emergency services to remove his wedding band from his penis.

Yes, there is footage for some reason. (Why are FIREMEN there?)

As if that wasn't humiliating enough, The Sun reported almost offhandedly that the man's wife asked him to wear the "tiny ring"to demonstrate his loyalty to her. It feels extremely rude to point out the extra-small size of the ring.

Is this real? Is this staged? Apparently the footage made it to Chinese social media platform Weibo and quickly went viral.

The video even shows firefighters helping to remove the ring, as if it was a cat stuck in a tree, where the cat is the ring and the tree is his penis. But a tiny tree. Oh whatever just look at this:

After using a "pulley system" to try to wrest the ring off the man's member, the emergency workers eventually settled for "brute force." Good god.

Samantha Bee was on the air last night with a special Wednesday edition of Full Frontal to join the other late night hosts in covering Monday night's presidential debate.

In the first part of her debate recap, Bee pointed out that 80 million Americans chose to watch the debate over Monday Night Football. "For once, concussion-ball was not as compelling as watching American democracy play Russian Roulette," she said. Bee also joked about Trump's ever-so-charming knack for interrupting Clinton while she's speaking and poked fun at both candidates' awkwardness in dealing with racial issues.

In the second half of her recap, Bee zeroed in on Trump's continued sexism. Bee cut to a moment in the debate where Clinton called Trump out for insulting former Miss Universe winner Alicia Machado, calling her names like "Miss Piggy" and "Miss Housekeeping." She then showed a clip from a Fox and Friends broadcast in which Trump said the Miss Universe pageant "had a real problem" with Machado after she "gained a massive amount of weight."

"Now you have a real problem," Bee said, addressing Trump. "Not only with her, but with any woman who's ever been called fat - which is all of us." She then cut to a photo of her female staff members giving Trump the finger.

In a previous segment of the same episode, Bee ripped into news broadcasters for the superficial pre-debate "advice" they had for Hillary Clinton. ("Advice" = All the different ways of telling her to smile.)

As Bee summed it up, the media expects Hillary to "be perfect but not too perfect" and to "save us from fascism but like don't be a bitch about it."

Well, it's a good thing Hillary totally crushed the debate. Now she has something to "real smile" about.

This woman's commitment to getting her forgetful husband his lunch, combined with her amazing aim, make her the Michael Jordan of wives. Watch and learn, married people who live in an apartment on the second floor or higher. This could be you one day.

I'm not a sports fan at all, but I could watch this video on loop for MINUTES (in millennial time, that's an eternity). It's just so satisfying the way the sandwich soars through the air and flies right through that window—on to the passenger side no less. It's also satisfying to hear the pride in this woman's voice—and she should be proud. In the marriage Olympics, she just won gold in the lunch toss.

Next event: putting up with all the rest of your husband's bullshit.

According to an article in the Mirror there's a right time of day to shave your legs, and you're probably doing it all wrong. First we don't know our bra sizes, now we can't even shave right. Come on, gals. Let's get it together already.

It turns out shaving at night before bed will give you the smoothest results. The science behind it works like this: as you sleep your skin swells slightly, so if you wait until morning to shave your legs, it's harder to get a close shave. Also, your body temperature rises under the hot water, and then cools off when you get out. This is a problem because the skin and pores of your legs tightens up as it cools off, making your leg hair look and feel pricklier during the day. YEAH, YOU G-D CACTUS!

But if you shave at night, you've got a smooth shave that will carry you into the next day. Make sense? Science!

Of course, you always have the option to just skip shaving altogether. It's up to you! Oh, the joys of being a modern woman.

In a post-debate spin room interview, Trump's campaign manager Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to her boss's "abuse" of women, in what sure looked like a Freudian slip.

"I thought Mr. Trump at different times tonight showed great restraint, more restraint than I may have in the face of fire and lies," said Conway.

"Particularly at the end, where he literally could have gone there and made very clear that he came ready to say some rough things if she was gonna challenge him about his abuse—uh, his record on women...."

Donald Trump's disgusting and disturbing thoughts on womenhave hardly been kept secret, from insisting that the "fat ugly" Rosie O'Donnell "deserved it" in in his closing statements at the debate, to his latest crusade to continue fat-shaming Alicia Machado, former Miss Universe.

Points to Conway for being the first person in the campaign to tell the truth, even if it was an accident.

Ladies, times are tough. The world can be a lonely place. But even at your very worst, pray to God you are never moved to have sex with a headless baby dinosaur statue at a kids' tourist attraction. Unfortunately this advice comes a little late for a mystery woman in Devon, UK, who was photographed from behind at the Exmouth Dino Trail as she pulled up her skirt, mounted the prehistoric lizard, and went to town.

Hey lady! Psst! It's Exmouth, not Sexmou—oops, too late.

The UK's Daily Express reports that police are currently searching for the unidentified woman, who also allegedly exposed herself in a bar. This woman is having one hell of a week.

John Thorogood, the organizer of the theme park, told Express, "Whilst we have had some deliberate damage to the dinosaurs in past weeks, this episode brings things to an all time low as far as these important and very popular assets to our town are concerned."

His implication that​ this time people have gone too far kind of makes one wonder about the other, not-quite-as-low lows these dinosaurs have endured at the hands (and other body parts of) of palaeophiles. Because the loss of a head, for starters, is pretty bad.

Hope you're not eating while you're reading this, because Rob Kardashian might have just admitted that his childhood crush was his own sister. And even though he has a whole bunch of hot sisters to choose from, that sister was Kim.

Hmm. What else could this reveal?

Is his favorite movie The Royal Tenenbaums? Is he joining Donald Trump's quest to Make Incest Great Again?

Maybe incestuous crushes are just part of growing up. Chyna seems to be cool with it, but he better not still be texting her.

You have to give credit to Momager Kris for not encouraging the affair for ratings' sake. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

It's all part of la vida loca.

It turns out our obsession with social media is literally making us sick—which explains everything. Young women (ages 16 to 24) are at the highest risk: more than a quarter (26%) experience symptoms of mental health problems like anxiety and depression, according to a new report from the UK's National Health Service (NHS) published in Telegraph. Researchers said "selfie culture" and social media are largely to blame.

The percentage of young women with mental health issues was up from 21% when the study was last done in 2007.

Young women were the group at the highest risk; they were nearly three times as likely as men of the same age group (9%) to report symptoms of mental health problems. Experts said a lot of the anxiety among young women seemed related to social media—specifically, body image pressure, cyber-bullying, perfectionism, and insecurities from comparing their lives to other people's online.

“On social media, they are seeing these edited versions of lives, bikinis, beaches, not seeing the reality," said Lauren Chakkalackal, senior research officer at the Mental Health Foundation.

Health officials said they were especially worried about the 16-24 age group, because they were the first to grow up with social media.

Take a break from reading about all the sad stuff going on in the world and check out this adorable picture of a baby absolutely loosing her tiny little mind over meeting a ballerina for the first time.

The picture of baby Stella was posted by her mother, Kiersten Jones Schwendeman, on September 22nd. Stella and her family were attending Delaware’s Faerie Festival when the picture was snapped.

Jones Schwendeman told Cosmopolitanthat it was her husband who captured the moment. "When I asked him why he posted it, he said that Parenthood can be really challenging and stressful at times but then a moment like this happens and it captures exactly what makes it all worth it and I thought that was a moment worth sharing."

Better sign that kid up for dance class!

Former flames Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift are friends again, you guys. So we can all stop stressing out about which one of them to invite to our parties. Phew! TMZ is reporting that the exes, who had a bitter and messy breakup, are now texting again. And it's all because the short-lived conglomerate that was Taylor and Tom Hiddleston aka "Hiddleswift" broke up, according to a "source."

That doesn't mean Harris and Swift are getting back together (ever ever), said the same source. They apparently haven't seen each other IRL or spoken on the phone (uh yeah, it's 2016, who talks on the phone?).

But the former couple has supposedly gotten over the resentments left over from their tumultuous breakup in June. I guess that means they've also gotten over the fact that Harris probably threw shade at Swift in his new single, "My Way." Oh, and the rumors that she may have written one of his other songs, "This Is What You Came For." Oh, and that time he talked a whole bunch of smack about her online, including a vicious Twitter rant that involved Katy Perry.

Boy, these two sure have a lot to text about. Good luck to them as they embark on this journey of platonic friendship, which is definitely not a really, really, really bad idea.

It's a good thing Donald Trump has said he cherishes woman, because otherwise someone watching this clip of him insulting a pregnant Kim Kardashian West might make him look a little misogynistic. In a recently resurfaced video from 2013 posted on The Hollywood Gossip, when asked if it makes sense for rich people like the Kardashians to register for baby shower gifts, Trump replied by changing the topic to her weight.

When asked, "There's nothing wrong with putting out for gifts even if you got the cash, is there?," Trump replied:

No, I don't think there is, and she's a nice person. I've known her over the years, and she's really a nice person, and she's gotten a little bit large. I would say this, I don't think you should dress like you weigh 120 pounds.

How kind of a busy man like Trump to take time out from his day to tell people, without even being asked, that he thinks a pregnant woman has gotten too heavy. And then to take it one step farther and offer the unsolicited advice that she shouldn't dress like she's not pregnant… it's charity, really. Pure compassion.

Women are used to seeing articles about "how to please your man" in magazines and all over the web. From "men HATE this trend" lists to "sex moves he will go crazy for" articles, women have often been taught to cater to the desires of men. While we have been throwing away our high waisted pants and trying to get flexible enough to pull off the sex positions in Cosmo, what the hell have men been doing to impress us? (No one actually threw away their high waisted pants, they're cute af and no one cares if men hate them or not.).

I posed the extremely heteronormative and quasi-problematic question "What do you look for in a man?" to my own personal lady friends. Although the answers varied, some common themes emerged.

For some women, it is very simple, so stop telling us we are confusing.

"Integrity🙌🏻"

"Honest. No secrets."

"Humor and patience."

"I've realized I need someone who cares at least a little about baseball."

"Make me laugh and challenge me to be better."

"Sense of humor, loyalty, similar values … Basically someone who will Netflix and chill with me, but really do just that: watch 30 Rock reruns until we pass out."

Some women don't really expect a ton from men.

"If I get to know them and don't shiver in disgust within the first week I'm pretty much down for the cause."

"Someone that makes you feel confident that they're actually interested in you."

"Someone who likes my dog—that's important."

"Someone who doesn't disappear..."

While others are more specific.

"Sense of humor that complements mine, respectful, passionate about something besides sports. Also someone who won't embarrass me in social situations."

"He's gotta have a special interest, something unique that he likes to do or is passionate about. I fall in love with people for their peculiar interest and quirks, he must like my paintings and encourage my art. He must be a good friend and his friends need to be nice and not dickheads. My friends have to like him. I typically like a healthy dad bod and dark hair. He must be good with kids and pets (if he has a dog I will sleep with him point blank.) Ideally his relationship w his family is better than mine. He must be financially independent. I also would like him to be older than me."

"A Renaissance man, someone who wants to keep learning, is curious about what the world has to offer, and who I don't have to babysit at a party. Oh and who also goes to church. That's a must. 'Tis true."

"Someone who is sweet, loving, romantic, has a big heart & isn't afraid to show his feelings/emotions, supportive, honest, must be funny & make me laugh, someone I can be myself with, someone I can be silly & goofy with...& someone who has similar interests etc. someone who I have fun with no matter what we're doing! Is that an impossible list?"

But no matter what, most mentioned humor in some capacity.

"Seeking man that can physically pick me up and banter with me and handle the shit of life with humor and make me laugh and be interested in people and culture and creativity and love their family and doing activities and hopefully not be a raging alcoholic."

"Someone who is always rooting for you and is genuine in his enthusiasm for you. Someone who laughs with you, regularly, and can openly express his feelings about the relationship."

"Driven person, sense of humor (not that he has to be a comedian necessarily but thinking that I'm funny is good too) and gets along with my family. And likes dogs over cats! Respects my time and career choice."

Basically, everyone differs in their preferences and you can't really "crack the code" to what men or women want because everyone wants something so vastly different. There is a pot for every lid, and you won't find the lid to your pot if you are too busy trying to change yourself into what some magazine tells you to be.

To read what men look for in women, click here.

Look, cats are the best, and anyone who disagrees is unequivocally incorrect. So it's nice to see celebrities who are also completely enthralled with their sometimes apathetic, occasionally haughty, but always entertaining feline friends. Take comedian and recent Emmy-winner Kate McKinnon for example. During her appearance on The Tonight Show, McKinnon was completely open and honest about her probably unrequited love for her son cat, Nino Positano.

The SNL alum told Fallon, "I buy him all this fun stuff and all he wants is individual drips from my bathtub drain." Well, of course! Moving water is always more fun than still water, right? (If you said no, it's most likely because you are not a cat.) By the way, if you also have a cat that likes to drink from the faucet, you might consider buying the little jerk one of these bad boys.

McKinnon also called Nino "ungrateful," (which we believe is what the word "cat" translates into in some ancient languages), explaining, "I came home, I told him I won an Emmy, and he was like 'Yeah, go scoop the crap from my box.'" Cats don't care about Emmys. You can't play with an Emmy! Attach a feather to that gold sucker and then maybe your cat will give a damn (probably not for long, though).

Then there's this picture of McKinnon holding her cat in a special pet-pouch sweatshirt her friends gave her.

You might think you need that sweatshirt, too, but be forewarned: it's very expensive. There are plenty of other, cheaper ways to embarrass and annoy your cat.

According to the BBC, a 21-year-old Australian man was recently bit by a poisonous spider on his penis. As if that weren't bad enough, this marks the second time in five months this man's penis has fallen victim to a poisonous spider bite. Here is what we wrote the first time it happened to him back in April.

And you thought you were having a bad 2016.

The man, identified only as Jordan, said both incidents occurred while he was using a port-a-potty while he worked on building sites.

"I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time," Jordan told BBC. "I was like 'I can't believe it's happened again.' I looked down and I've seen a few little legs come from around the rim." He also added that he was bitten in "pretty much the same spot" as the last time around.

As if anyone needed another reason to avoid using portable toilets.

Although the type of spider that bit Jordan this time around was not identified, last time it was a redback spider. They are common to Australia, and bite around 2,000 people yearly. Redback bites cause nausea, sweating, shivers and severe pain.

Jordan was treated at Blacktown Hospital in Sydney. He and his penis are expected to make a full recovery.