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Side effects.


A struggling toddler gets a crawling lesson from her helpful dog friend.

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"Just drop some hot dog pieces on the floor later on, and we'll call it even."

Look, crawling is hard! You might think it's a piece of cake now because you mastered it, like, a couple decades ago. But just try and think back to what it was like when you were still trying to make out what your hands and feet were for, and had yet to grasp the basic concept of quadrupedal propulsive locomotion. It's complicated business.

So, it's kind of heartwarming to see this little girl, referred to as Bear Bear, getting a head's up from Buddy, the family dog. I'm sure he realizes that this girl is going to be his ticket to a lot of castaway food in the coming months, so he's probably thinking that it's best to get in her good graces early.

Buddy's actual attempt to crawl like a human puppy is clearly adorable, but my favorite part is when he nudges her with his nose and is all like, "Yo, check this out." That's a "Yo, check this out" nudge if I ever saw one.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

6 new contenders for the hugest drama queen on Facebook.

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Your emoticon looks like it still has a few more tears left.(Via)

We know it shouldn't be a shock that there are drama queens on Facebook, but these infuriating users are are becoming a scourge, making the world's most self-absorbed medium even less tolerable with every intentionally cryptic, overwrought status update. Everyone has at least ten friends like this who constantly court concern with updates about how "you" broke my heart and now "life just isn't worth living," and they know they can get a dozen comments from their gullible, similarly theatrical friends by typing nothing more than a simple "Ugh!" The crybabies included here are just a small sampling of a growing Facebook population that must be stopped! (Sorry if we got a little over-dramatic at the end there.)


Seagulls hate being brought into vague attention-getting statuses. (Via)



You two can work through this. Let us watch.(Via)



Nana hijacks another attempted vaguebooking. (Via)



You could just go with the "off" button. Less swimming. (Via)



On Facebook, who can maintain a positive outlook for 20 whole minutes?(Via)


Updated 5/21/14:


How do they have time for boyfriends? There's so much public fighting to do!(Via)


At least post a haul video of what you spent the money on. (Via)


No idea what they're fighting over and hope to never find out. (Via)


The dance is called "Flight Of The Attention-Starved Vaguebooker." (Via)


But her broken heart is at least 14 or 15. (Via)


Quit making DRAFA.(Via)

Updated 4/6/14:


Poor thing. Why can't the wealthy ever catch a break! (via)


The suicide rate among dumb Gods has been skyrocketing. (Via)

 


And if you visit my Tumblr you can find out how to make amends.(Via)

 


Fine. I'll say it. Your statuses are way too vague.(Via)

 


Sometimes a whiny rant is also a cry for help.

 


How can I get on that list?

 

Updated 3/17/14:


We hurt the ones who try to help.

 


Someone besides the ex. Include the fine print and you won't need follow-ups.

 


Sometimes, the tale time tells is a real bummer.(via Rachael T.)

 


Hopefully the one that's "worse" [sic] your tears will make you cry by correcting your typos.

 


Man. Hate to see how you'd take it if you dropped your laptop.

 


Wait, are all of you planning to off yourselves tonight? We appreciate you! Chill out!

 

Updated 2/18/14:


They must have all requested that they be blocked.

 


Those 4 likes are from people who hate a loud, noisy death.

 


Cryers gonna cry.

 


Posting vague, attention-seeking statuses is the epitome of letting life happen, apparently.

 


So many threats today. This winter is getting to everybody.

 


Can't talk now, byeeeeeeee!

 

Updated 1/15/14:


Until then, happy holidays! (Via User "Whimsy")

 


It's not a felony until it crosses 450% illegal. (Via)

 


I don't want to ask you about it. *Feeling indifferent* (Via)

 


If only she had the two-faced bitch's email, we'd be spared this.(Via)

 


1 Like. Things are looking up! (Via)

 


How anyone could find fault in your child-rearing skills is beyond me! (Via)

 

Updated 12/9/13:


Just when we thought we were in, you push us back out!

 


Finally, someone speaks up for the thin. Enough of the low BMI bullying!

 


One good way to rationalize why you're never called nor texted. (Thanks Katie M)

 


It's honestly just some research I'm working on. Also, AM I WANTED?

 


I'm in a bad mood because of whatever put you in a good mood this morning.

 


Wow! Starting shit with someone for being a great person. That's how you hunt down drama.

 

Updated 11/11/13:


Betting that 1 thing might be "LMS IF YOU'LL TAKE ME BACK!!!!"

 


You made it home alive! Make sure to take your knife if you go to the bathroom to brush before bed.

 


I don't mean to complain, but man those complainers are something!

 


So, you just said you hope you die soon. You know that right?

 


The news is always full of #Sundayfails. Why not report on some #Sundaysuccesses?

 


Only certain Tims make me cry. Tiny Tim. Tim Allen. Tim Tebow.

 

Updated 10/21/13:


Cool. Thanks for sharing! *UNFRIEND*

 


Someone screencapped their "I trusted you" status and made fun of it on the Internet?

 


Gonna have to be a lil' more specific. Lot of bad shit going down lately.

 


Let's keep Facebook away from famine victims, cool? They don't need to read this.

 


Gladly!

 


You can never talk too anyone. You always talk just enough anyone for our taste.

 

Updated 9/16/13:


Birch away, girlfriend!

 


Suicide notes were way more eloquent before the invention of texting.

 


You have to learn to love crying. 

 


First go back and kill Hitler! Then deal with your ex. Priorities!

 


You should put an Ace bandage on that head ace.

 


You were missed. The seconds you were away felt like full minutes!

 

Updated 8/15/13:


Have a good trip?

 


Great! If you don't want to talk about it then let me tell you about my WONDERFUL morning!!!

 


What if I'm not sure if I'm involved? Can I ask if I'm involved? I WANNA BE INVOLVED!

 


MOOOOOM! Stop posting on my friends' engagement party invite wall!

 


That'll do it!

 


No one values friendship anymore. Or marriage. Or...fidelity to ex-girlfriends? I'm lost.

 

Updated 7/16/13:


Not as sorry as your friends are for adding you.

 


K byeeeeeeeee!

 


I crave attention. No need to like. It's readily apparent.

 


U other guys, though, what u guys all hate me?!!!

 


Aw come on. Just one whiff?

 


Congratulations on directly confronting "someone."

 

Updated 6/1913:


Perhaps she was being kind. Cassidy might prefer chodes. They are adorable, after all.

 


This middle school wants to keep us apart. We shan't let them.

 


I send them messages like, "Hey stupid fuck. Not popular enough for you?"

 


We always keep both feet planted firmly on the ground while chatting.

 


Times like this, all we need is our family of plush toys we keep in our read windshield.

 


Pretty sure someone made love to the wrong person. The rest is mystery.

 

Updated 5/15/13:


Why don't you just forward this message to him? After translating into English of course.

 


So, should I take my dick out of my ass now? I want to help!

 


This actually makes sense to us. Life should never be thought about. It's no good.

 


Does the old Kay have access to a working keyboard by chance?

 


Can't imagine why they'd leave you.

 


Just staring up at a leak in the ceiling. Anyway, how are you?

 

Updated 4/15/13:


The drama queen giveth, the drama queen taketh away.

 


You know, you can just go ahead and post this directly on Child Services's page.

 


Don't stop, go.

 


And not if the game involves speaking directly toward whomever you're pissed off at.

 


We're sure she appreciates this tribute to her memory.

 


Vague statuses like this make all your friends' FB walls feel like that punching bag.

 

Updated 3/13/13:


Move to New York. People walk down the street crying all the time and no one says a word.

 


We get the gist.

 


It's better to have <3 and </3 than to have never <3 at all.

 


RIP most of your Facebook friendships.

 


We'll try harder to be a "gentleman and shit." Want some flowers or bullshit like that?

 


We're unfriending you. Just popped into our head!
 

Updated 2/15/13:


Peeing yourself? You're sh*tting me.

 


Everyone in this thread is a child molester.
 


We don't want to hurt you, Miranda, but that's a pretty awful smile.
 


Brohoof (n) - Fist bump between men who like My Little Pony. So, yeah, no one understands.
 


Obnoxiously Manic Girl?!
 


The person who liked the "pissed on" joke might really die if they saw the pee-pants post.
 


We can't believe those two people gave pity likes against their direct wishes!

Updated 1/15/13:


Oh right. Every hour on the hour.
 


I'm either going to unsubscribe or unfriend you today. Not a joke.

 


She knows she can upload video of her crying too, right? Quit half-assing it!

 


Seek no more, young journeyman, for your bullshit has been found.

 


You're only done with the drama because you used it all up in this post.

 


You can cram a lifetime into a single month. And a lifetime of self-pity into a single status update.

 


There are sadness-concealing face creams you can use if you get sick of putting on smiles.

 


Your plan has backfired. What's wrong?

 

Updated 11/13/12:


Or worse, did you post something self-involved and stupid where you can be publicly mocked?

 


The saddest part is he sounds like 90% of adults on Facebook.
 


Is "swag" a term for the letter O now? Because that's what you're missing.

 


And being a whiny loser is the highlight of mine, so lay off!
 


I wasnt going to say anything, but I'm gonna say a lot. Not like a dumb 16-year-old.
 


We feel like committing sadness after reading this post.

Posted 10/18/12:


But most importantly, learn grammar before you die.
 


Always remember other people have it worse. Like war vets and bored kids.
 

Wut's dat? Lemme luk it up in my thezoris.
 


We are focusing on our work, and we bet you feel like an idiot.
 

 

 

 

 

 

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News anchor embarrassingly demonstrates why commas are important.

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It's not even an Oxford comma, it's just a normally-educated comma.

Jonathan Charles is a BBC World News anchor. He also is the victim of a horrifying incident of abduction, torture, and medical experimentation, according to his recent introduction of the night's events:

That poor man.

Captured by BBC viewer James Seddon, this clip will live in perpetuity as the answer to the question, "Why do I have to use commas all the time?"

(by Johnny McNulty)

The very least.

Good job.

Uh oh. That little girl who got kicked out of KFC because of the scars on her face? Yeah, looks like that was fake.

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Child of the grift. (via Facebook)

Constructing elaborate hoaxes to win the Internet's sympathy and score a huge financial windfall in the process? That's so 2013. But apparently the family of little Victoria Wilcher is pretty retro, because their story of young Victoria being kicked out of a KFC because her scarred face was scaring customers was reportedly a total hoax.

Having made it all the way to June without a huge, entire-Internet-duping hoax to exacerbate our already crippling trust issues (Kimmel "pranks" excluded) it seemed like maybe the liars had given up. Or maybe this year's Diane in 7A attempts just never got the traction their perpetrators were gunning for. With Victoria Wilcher, it looks like we have our first big lie of the year, and it unfortunately centers around a little girl with some legitimate medical issues.

The incident that tugged at the Internet's heart-strings and inspired $135K in donations, including $30K from KFC itself, was said to have taken place at a Jackson, MS KFC store. 3-year-old Victoria was with her grandmother, and she was asked to leave the dining room because her facial scars were upsetting other diners. The scars were said to have been from an attack by her grandfather's pitbulls.

The Laurel Leader-Call is reporting that the whole thing never happened. A third-party mediator was brought in to investigate the claims, and while a report has not been completed yet, insiders say that surveillance footage does not put Victoria Wilcher, or her grandmother, Kelly Mullins, inside either of the KFC stores near the children's hospital Victoria had visited on May 15th, the date of the incident. No one matching the description of Victoria or Mullins was seen on the cameras.

Further, investigations were not even able to find record of the orders that Mullins supposedly placed at the KFC. Mullins told WAPT TV in Jackson that she had ordered "a sweet tea and mashed potatoes and gravy," which they then sat down and began eating before they were asked to leave the store. There was no record of such an order being placed.

The Leader-Call details other holes in the story, including that the location of the KFC Mullins gave in her account was a KFC that hasn't been in operation for years. 

All of this points to the fact that 2014 has its first big Internet lie. KFC, for their part, says they plan to honor their $30,000 donation even if Mullins turns out to be a lying opportunist. Perhaps they realize that even if it wasn't true, this kid does need medical attention and with the family she has, she could use all the help she can get.

The Victoria's Victories Facebook page posted the following response:

On the plus side, fast food places aren't kicking out little girls because their faces were disfigured. On the minus side, a lot of people got duped into caring for another human being again. That always hurts. 

Maybe we need a new religion to sprout up that's solely devoted to belief in Internet hoaxes. We all want to believe these things are true, but doing so requires the same strength of faith that we usually reserve for Gods and reality television. If you want to believe in your hoax, ignore the doubters and go for it. Have faith. (Also, don't read any follow-up articles. Ever.)

(by Bob Powers)

Mathletes.


Remember 40 strangers kissing? Now there's 40 strangers slapping.

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It's like if Fight Club happened in SoHo. (via YouTube)

Maybe it is because this is a parody and not just an advertisement for hot people's clothes, but watching this collection of people slapping each other is significantly more satisfying than any number of strangers kissing. These aren't actors pretending to enjoy a forced make-out, these are actors actually enjoying slapping the crap out of each other. The awkwardness present in the beginning of the kissing video is present in the beginning of this one, except here the slaps cut through the tension like booze at Thanksgiving dinner.

OMG I can't believe I like being violent! I'm so embarrassed! 

This video is the work of Max Landis... you know, this guy. So, for anyone who knows him and hates him, I present:

Ahhhh. So satisfying. Like Thanksgiving dinner. 

UPDATE: If you weren't sure if you recognized the dude with the beard who introduced himself as Haley, you did. He's Haley Joel Osment.

(by Myka Fox)

Important vow.

This baby trying a lemon for the first time is a glutton for sweet punishment.

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Sweet baby. Sour face.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or, if you're not particularly thirsty, consider cutting them into slices and feeding them to your baby while filming it, because people can't seem to get enough of videos of babies eating lemons.

It's slightly sadistic. We know what's going to happen. They take a bite, and experience a nanosecond of sweet pleasure before being hit by a sensation so jarring that they suddenly take on the appearance of a 90-year-old being stung by a wasp.

There hasn't been a video yet where the baby simply enjoys the lemon. However, this little guy comes really close. After the lesson of the first bite, he knows what he's in for, but keeps going back, as if he's the host of a new Travel Channel show called Baby V. Food.

Actually, considering that Adam Richmond has retired his fork, it's not the worst idea for a show. Not saying it's a great one, just not the worst.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This criminal was so addicted to Facebook he checked it on a computer while burglarizing a home and then left himself logged in.

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I wonder who's liking that picture of all that shit I stole? (via Facebook)

Nicholas Wig of St. Paul Minnesota is like anybody else, desperate to know what's going down on his Facebook page, even when he is mid-burglary.

James Wood (no, not him) came home to find a very weird crime scene. His house had been ransacked, his cash, credit cards, and watch had been stolen, and a stranger's wet clothes and shoes had been left behind.

“I started to panic, but then I noticed he had pulled up his Facebook profile,” Wood told CBS. "World's dumbest criminal. I don't know."

Wood showed surprising restraint by not posting something hilarious like "I have diarrhea" while logged in as Wig. Instead, he posted that Wig had burglarized his home and then left his phone number for people to provide him with information.

Nick Wig, you've broken into a home, stolen a bunch of shit, dropped a pile of your wet clothes, and left yourself logged into Facebook, what are you going to do next??


I'm going to text the guy I robbed!!!! (via Facebook)

He texted the guy he robbed. We don't know what Wig texted his victim, but probably something like, "Hey, is this the guy I robbed?"

Wood texted Wig back saying, "You left a few things at my house, how can I get them back to you."

So they actually set up a meet in Wood's neighborhood during which Wig believed he would return a recycled cell phone he stole in exchange for the clothes he left behind. (No word, by the way, on whether he left the house naked or if he wore some of Wood's clothing home.)

Of course, Wood did not return the clothing, and instead called the cops once Wig returned, having recognized him from his Facebook photos. Wig was even wearing the watch he had stolen. It's almost like Wig was afraid another criminal was going to try to steal his world's dumbest title away from him. 

The dumbest. (via Facebook)

It's hard to say whether the internet is making people dumber, or if it just making it easier to expose the dumbness. Authorities say Wig is facing up to 10 years in jail if convicted, which is going to make it really hard to receive his notifications. 

If only he knew how to make love to the camera, things could have been different... 

(by Myka Fox)

Work related.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 24, 2014

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1. Mormon Church Excommunicates Woman For Heretical Attempt At Equality

Mormon activist Kate Kelly was excommunicated from her church by an all-male panel Sunday for apostasy, due to her continued attempts to win the right of priesthood for women congregants. "I am not an apostate, unless every single person who has questions to ask out loud is an apostate." That sounds about right.


2. First-Ever Female Head Coach Of European Soccer Team Becomes First Woman To Quit European Soccer Team After A Few Hours On The Job

Helena Costa—the first woman to be hired as manager for a professional European soccer team—resigned from her position with the French Clermont Foot 63 just a few hours after starting work and before even meeting with any of the players. "She had developed a problem of confidence in the situation, but I have no idea what it was that caused this," club president Claude Michy explained. Costa herself cited "amateurism" from the club and a "lack of respect" as her reasons.


3. Republicans Now Have Their Own, Better Version Of Brad Pitt

Stewart Mills —a conservative U.S. congressional candidate from Minnesota—is being hailed as the Brad Pitt of the Republican Party, based mostly on his rugged good looks, shoulder length hair and complete lack of political experience.


4. LeBron James Becomes A Free Agent, Remains An Egomaniac

LeBron James, one of the most highly valued players in the NBA, has announced that he is opting out of his contract with with Miami Heat and making himself an unrestricted free agent beginning July 1. This will allow him to both sign with whichever team he pleases next season and to hear his name on the news constantly for the next several months.


5. John Turturro Is Hoping To Raise The Jesus From The Grave 

Actor and director John Turturro has announced that he is hoping to receive permission from Joel and Ethan Coen to reprise his role as bowler/sex offender Jesus Quintana from The Big Lebowski in a spin-off film next year.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Public nuisance.


Hard work.

Man falls out of bar window in reaction to Portugal's last-second goal against the USA.

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On the plus side, he managed to hold gravity to a tie by landing on the awning.
(via Natalie Fertig, Miami Herald)

If you watched Sunday's US-Portugal World Cup match, you remember when Silvestre Varela scored with a header at the very last second, causing many people to feel like their heart fell through their stomach. Except for soccer super-fan Eric Corey, who felt (correctly) like his heart, stomach, head, legs and everything else were falling backwards out of a bar window as he reacted in shock. Thankfully, according to the Miami Herald, he's OK.

Corey is a member of the American Outlaws, who got their tough name by really, really liking soccer. He's also a regular at the bar from which he fell, Fado's Irish Pub in Miami, FL (yes, Florida - although Miami's kind of a substate within that nuthouse). The bar had opened up its floor-to-ceiling windows on the upper level, and Eric Corey used the opportunity to stand on the ledge and lead people on the street in cheers. As you might imagine, a bunch of guys holding beers and waving their arms around to people down below led to a very slippery floor right by the window.

He had his back towards the window as the game entered its final minutes. Then, with only seconds on the clock, that beautiful and heartbreaking final goal was scored. Eric's friend Kenin Yombor watched what unfolded next. According to Yombor, after Eric's initial expression of sadness and disappointment, another look came over his face. "I saw that he knew—he spread his arms out to stop himself from falling out, but he saw that he was going out the window."

As you can see here from the picture, Corey very luckily hit an awning. He eventually refused to be admitted to a hospital, and went home instead. He hasn't spoken to any media, but he told his friends on Facebook that he was alright.

The rest of the Outlaws, however, are still in shock. About the game. "It just hit me," said Kenin Yombor, "we tied. After all that, we tied."

Way to focus on the important stuff, Kenin.

Read the full story over at the Miami Herald.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Judge not.

James Franco showed a crowd his naked ass for charity, and everyone was happy.

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That's the butt of an Ivy League graduate, everyone. (via Instagram)

If Instagram was having a party, nipples would be turned away at the door, but apparently James Franco's pasty white butt cheeks are on the list. That being said, of course James Franco's butt is on Instagram. How has it not been there this whole time?

James Franco is on Broadway right now in Of Mice and Men alongside Chris O'Dowd. As a current member in good standing of the Broadway community, he went to Broadway Bares, a raunchy burlesque party (for charity) put on by the Broadway community every year to support HIV research. Franco's part in the show was fairly brief, performing in a skit where he pretended to beg to be let into the party while trying to convince the bouncer he was really a celebrity. This eventually led to him being strip-searched by RuPaul's Celebrity Drag Race Season 6 winner Bianca Del Rio (who got way more applause than Franco).

In fact, the entire night was much more scandalous than a little Franco butt, featuring an Elvis tribute ending with Broadway star Brandon Rubendall holding only a ukelele for dignity, and way more things that I don't even have time to explain here. You can see tons of photos from the event and information about the charities they support over at Playbill.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Two cats meet for the first time and discover their relationship may take a little work.

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That went... well?

All things considered, the first meeting between these two cats went okay. It's never easy when someone new shows up to do the same job as you. Even when your job is mostly laying around the house, hiding in tiny spaces and occasionally defending the home from threatening shadows and deadly balls of tinfoil.

With one low-key hiss, Top Cat gave New Cat all the information he'd as a new employee in his house; "I sit wherever I want, whenever I want, and you live in the shadows until further notice. Now be gone."

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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