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5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Kanye West, because supporting Trump was only the beginning of his meltdown.

He used to be so normal.

At a concert in San Jose last Thursday, Kanye West managed to stun his fans (who are used to him saying crazy sh*t) by announcing that if he had voted in the recent presidential election, he would have voted for Trump.

Needless to say, even the most diehard members of the Kanyehive were unhappy about this. Kanye "George Bush doesn't care about black people" West supporting the same guy as the KKK?

But it turns out that the Trump outburst was only a teaser of West's latest tantrum. At a show in Sacramento on Saturday, he managed to get through only three songs before launching into a disjointed rant about radio stations playing too much Drake, Beyoncé being a diva, Mark Zuckerberg refusing to give West $53 million, and Hillary Clinton losing the election. Then he abruptly walked offstage. Ticketmaster later agreed to refund every ticketholder.

West also canceled his concert in Los Angeles on Sunday at the last minute. Has his fragile psyche finally snapped for good? Or is he just winding down his music career so he can focus on running for president in 2020? But in that case, he would be challenging an incumbent he supports. You know what? He probably hasn't thought it out that far.


4. Melania Trump, because Gigi Hadid gave her such a spoofing.

She probably wishes her husband would deport her at this point.

At the American Music Awards on Sunday, co-host Gigi Hadid got into the political satire game by debuting her Melania Trump impression for her co-host, "master impressionist" Jay Pharaoh. It was brief, but the audience seemed kinda into it.

Honestly, I'm more impressed with Pharaoh's impression of "a guy who thinks that was a good impression." Hadid nailed that thing Mrs. Trump does with her lips (and her tendency to plagiarize Michelle Obama), but other than that it could use some work.

Still, it must sting for Melania Trump. Her husband is free to whine on Twitter every time someone impersonates him, but Melania just has to take it in silence. And it's pretty clear she never wanted to be First Lady in the first place.


3. Mariah Carey, because her ex wants to be written out of her life on her reality show.

If she had known she could erase people from history, she would have been doing it all along.

If there's one thing that has shaken the world's stability more than the presidential election, it's the breakup of Mariah Carey and her ex-fiancé, Australian billionaire James Packer. The split between these titans has been bitter and drawn-out, which is no surprise when you hear about the pre-nup.

But there's another factor complicating the situation: hours and hours of Carey and Packer's relationship were filmed for her upcoming reality show Mariah's World. Now, Packer is claiming that he was bullied into agreeing to appear on the show. TMZ reports that he even wants to be scrubbed from the footage before it hits the air.

And it looks like he'll get his way, because apparently he never signed the proper releases to be part of the series. So I guess Mariah's World will be a show about a mysteriously single Mariah Carey doing billionaire-style engagement activities on her own. Which would be difficult to believe for anyone but her.

In an interesting twist, TMZ acquired a "bombshell" piece of video to discredit Packer's claim that he didn't want to appear on the series. In this clip, you can see the then-engaged couple smiling at a party in Capri. Packer notices the cameras and doesn't recoil from them in horror.

But what you can't see is that Carey has his balls in a vice-like grip under the table.


2. A guy who bought a samurai sword from a ninja and found out it had been stolen.

Note: this guy is not an authorized reseller.

If we've said it one, we've said it a thousand times: never trust a ninja. If they're not creeping up behind you and slitting your throat, they're selling you stolen merchandise.

On November 11, a thief dressed as a ninja broke into Bosco’s Comics, Cards & Games in Anchorage, Alaska and stole a white katana (samurai sword). A security camera caught him in the act (which in itself proves he's a terrible ninja).

Maybe behavior like this could be forgiven if he was stealing back his master's sword to kill the demon that had taken his head, but it turns out this honorless assassin just wanted to make a quick buck. He sold the katana to an unsuspecting dupe, who had no idea it was stolen. Because he trusted a ninja.

When the buyer realized what had happened, he did the honorable thing and committed ritual suicidereturned the sword. Bosco's thanked him in the traditional nerd way: a snarky meme.

Unfortunately, the sword had seen some battle damage in its adventures. Bosco's employee Eric Helmick said it was a "little dirty" and missing a decorative piece. The result of being plunged into the heart of a dragon? Probably.


1. The "Spelling Bee Bandit," who's wanted by the FBI for being a dumbass.

I'm guessing he didn't pick that name.

The FBI is offering $1,000 for any information leading to the capture of the Spelling Bee Bandit, an unidentified robber who has held up four Massachusetts banks since October 31. Like all criminal masterminds, this guy has a pattern. He always shows up wearing sunglasses, then hands the teller a note scrawled on the back of a withdrawal slip. That note always bears just one word: "Robery."

Now either this guy is holding up banks to fund his dream of opening a bathrobe store, or he doesn't know how to spell "robbery." But despite his apparent third-grade education, he has still managed to elude capture during a crime spree that has lasted weeks. The FBI is so desperate, they have released this wanted poster:

Don't let the fact that he dresses like a professional poker player fool you—this man is a dangerous criminal. Apparently, he's become more aggressive with each subsequent teller he's held up. Next time, there's no guarantee this robery won't turn into a murdur.

If you have any information on this man's identity, contact the FBI immediately. He's described as roughly six feet tall, late 30s to early 40s, and extremely dumb. Exercise caution.


7 movies with surprise sex scenes to avoid watching with family over the holidays.

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At some point during Thanksgiving weekend, perhaps around hour 1,000 of family togetherness, you will turn to old movies to help pass the time. At that point, assuming you're as immature and awkward as everyone at Someecards, it's crucial you avoid the following movies for their surprise sex scenes. At the very least, you should know about the most awkward parts in advance so you can plan a bathroom break (or two).

1. Titanic

Let's start slow. You want to watch this PG-13 classic for a 9'0s flashback with the family, and you're perfectly within your rights to do so. Where you need to be careful is during the famous "Leo DiCaprio draws Kate Winslet in the nude" scene, which is awkward and slow and allows the camera to linger gratuitously on Kate's boobs.

Strategy: Avoid eye contact with your mom. Or, do the opposite: make eye contact and wink. Now you're the funny one.

2. Her

Here's a nice family movie about a guy who falls in love with what's essentially the iPhone's Siri function. Because she is a disembodied voice, you're right to think you don't have to worry about much weird nudity. All you have to worry about is the absolutely rabid phone sex between Joaquin Phoenix and Siri.

"How would you touch me?" asks the voice, which proceeds to have a phonegasm to the words "I taste you."

Strategy: Pretend you've gotten a text message on your phone and you're not trying to seduce it.

3. The Wackness

Maybe you decided to watch The Wackness with your family because it stars Nickelodeon star Josh Peck from everyone's favorite white guy buddy comedy for kids, Drake & Josh.

Welp, there's a scene where the aforementioned Josh (again, from Drake & Josh)tries to break his real-life typecasting by "banging a girl in the shower," according to the one person I could find who has actually seen this movie.

Strategy: Ask, loudly, who is responsible for the fact that you're watching The Wackness right now. Keep saying this until someone turns the movie off and calls you an ambulance.

4. Chocolat

You just wanted to watch a PG-13 film about a chocolate shop featuring an award-winning performance by Judi Dench, so you're forgiven for not considering how a movie about chocolate would inevitably get sexy at some point.

According to a hilarious website that provides "movie reviews for parents," a "flashback scene shows a miscellaneous couple in bed having sex (passionate kissing, movement with both alternating being on top and the sight of silhouetted bare breasts)."

Strategy: Pretend you have to poop. Return to the couch with a joke about how you just made your own choc-o-lat. Remember, you're the funny one.

5. Amelie

You probably expected something naughty to go down in this artsy French rom-com, but a couple scenes in particular make this awkward to watch with family—mainly, the montage of orgasms in the video above,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=43&v=U9L6R1CYdJA

Strategy: You just remembered you have to run to the store and live there from now on.

6. Along Came Polly

It is a sad state of affairs when you cannot watch a delightful rom-com starring peak Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston without dying of embarrassment, but such is the world in which we live.

According to one Someecards employee, this movie has "a really awkward sexual spanking scene that I watched on an airplane with my dad and wanted to die." A plane will always make it worse.

And here's a bonus warning from "movie reviews for parents," who say: "Various characters have varying degrees of bad attitudes." Do bad attitudes make your family uncomfortable? If so, avoid.

Strategy: Watch Greenberg instead, so everyone can have a nice nap (disclosure: never seen Greenberg, but it seems like a nice movie to sleep through.)

7. Black Swan

This movie's great, and terrifying, and if you can handle all that as a family, you know you'll have plenty to discuss at Thanksgiving dinner.

Unfortunately for family togetherness, there is a very steamy sex scene that features Mila Kunis going down on Natalie Portman. It's a hallucination, sure, but it's still very much happening on your TV screen.

Strategy: Make a joke about how this would be a good time for everyone to watch you practice the dab, and then dab for a full two minutes.

Kylie Jenner missed the AMAs because of an unplanned pregnancy.

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Kylie Jenner missed the 2016 AMAs on Sunday night due to an unplanned pregnancy—not her own, though, but her dog's. Early Monday morning, Jenner tweeted that she had been planning on attending the awards show, but her dog Bambi went into labor, so she stayed home to care for the new mama and her puppies instead. That actually sounds way better than the AMAs anyway.

The 19-year-old makeup maven and Kardashian half-sister tweeted about Bambi's pregnancy, but sadly hasn't posted any pictures yet! We demand pictures!

throwback w mom ❤️

A photo posted by norman & bambi jenner (@normieandbambijenner) on

And since she's an animal lover with a lot of money, keeping the two puppies is no problem.

The pups' don't have names yet, because Jenner is waiting to learn more about their personalities.

She hasn't said what sex the puppies are, but I think the names Larry and Larry Jr. are perfect for boys or girls. Just think about it, Kylie.

Oh, and don't forget to spay or neuter your pets, people. Kylie Jenner can afford to keep four dogs, but most of us can't. And with over a million dogs being put to sleep each year in the U.S. alone, we need to slow down the puppy production.

Did Kanye West just cancel the rest of his tour dates after this weekend's meltdown?

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UPDATE: According to Pitchfork, the 21 remaining dates on Kanye West's Saint Pablo tour have officially been canceled. The largely sold-out concert tour was supposed to continue until the end of the year, but one of his representatives told the music magazine that the tour has officially ended and that all tickets will be "fully refunded at point of purchase." Sources told Page Six that Kanye is "exhausted" and "there are fears he is having a nervous breakdown." We hope that Kanye gets the rest he needs and is back to doing what he does best—making and performing incredible music—soon.

ORIGINAL POST:NME is reporting that Kanye West may have canceled the rest of his Saint Pablo tour following a series of bizarre rants against Hillary Clinton, Beyoncé, and Jay Z. Sounds about right.

You know you're not surprised.

The news came via inside tip given to Gerrick D. Kennedy, a music writer for the Los Angeles Times.

This development came after West decided to cancel the show he was planning on doing to make up for the concert he walked out on previously. Kanye West makes it really hard to be a Kanye West fan.

The cancelation comes after Kanye was booed at a concert last week in San José for telling his audience that had he voted, he would have voted for Donald Trump.

Then, at a concert in Sacramento over the weekend, West explained that he was hurt by Beyoncé and Jay Z, former collaborators and long-time friends, in a bizarre rant.

In my opinion — now, don’t go tryin’ to diss Beyoncé, she is great. Taylor Swift is great. We are all great people, we are all equal. But sometimes, we be playing the politics too much and forgetting who we are — just to win. Fuck winning! Fuck looking cool! Fuck looking cool! Fuck being cool! Fuck all that!

West also said, "The Saint Pablo tour is more relevant than radio and if y’all keep following old models, your ass is going to be Hillary Clinton." West's wife, Kim Kardashian, publicly supported Clinton during her campaign.

Whether the tour is canceled or not is yet to be officially confirmed by West's camp, but if you have tickets, now might be a good time to get your money back.

'Shocked capybara' delights internet in this brutally hilarious 'Planet Earth II' clip.

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Sunday night saw a new episode of the BBC's Planet Earth II, and with it a new animal celebrity for the internet to worship. Meet one extremely shocked capybara, who looks on as a jaguar fights a caiman to the death (!!!).

The fight ended rather quickly, with the jaguar dragging the reptile off to its new farm-to-table restaurant. But the internet couldn't let go of the capybara's face, who has that perfect "WTF" look the kids love so much.

Sure, that's probably just how capybaras look in general, but you've gotta appreciate the producers' sense of comedy. The rodent is a completely perfect representation of the human audience: hairy, confused, and just gaping at nature.

Texas bill would require teachers to out LGBT students to their parents.

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A proposed bill in Texas dictates that teachers are required to "out" their gay, queer and transgendered students at the request of the parent.

The bill, filed by Texas State Senator Konni Burton, says that parents are entitled to "full and total information on their child’s academic performance, physical, mental and emotional health, and more." Senator Burton recently wrote an Op-Ed forThe Texas Tribuneentitled "In Fort Worth's transgender battle, parents lose." The piece argues that a parent's input is imperative whether the child wants it or not.

Fort Worth ISD Superintendent Dr. Kent Scribner recently announced new guidelines for faculty and staff on the handling of its transgender student population. These new guidelines require the recognition of the preferred gender identity of the student, the use of the pronoun he or she prefers, accommodations for the use of bathroom and locker room facilities and participation in the physical education of their preferred gender identity. These guidelines will affect all students, not just transgender students, and to act as if they do not need public and parental input is quite alarming.

The bill, which can be read here, goes so far to say that if a teacher or faculty member withholds information from parents, they can be punished.

Equality Texas chairman Steve M. Rudner released a statement countering the bill arguing that if your child doesn't trust you enough to come out to them, there is probably a good reason.

As the parent of a gay child, this one is really simple to me.

If your kid is gay, and can tell his teacher, but hasn’t told you, then you are the problem. If a kid can tell a teacher but not their parent, it is a pretty good indication that your child is scared of you and the consequences of telling you, and you are who the kid needs to be protected from.

Until kids are not kicked out of their house for being gay or transgender, and until kids are not being beaten by parents for being gay or transgender, we owe it to kids to protect them.

Senator Burton's proposed legislation will probably be more damaging to the child/parent relationship in the long run, and if you want your kid to open up to you, hunting down trusted teachers and demanding answers in the name of the law is one weird way to do it.

Just sayin'.

10 toys that made parents lose their minds on Black Friday.

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I will say this upfront: I hate Black Friday. I will never understand why anyone would wake up at 4 a.m. the morning after Thanksgiving only to wait in the cold for three hours and then risk being trampled by a mob of crazed shoppers over something as silly as a discounted TV.

But sometimes, I suppose, people are motivated to join in on the madness because they want to make sure the perfect presents are under the tree for their kids on Christmas morning. That's kind of sweet, right? Here are 10 toys that have caused parents to lose their minds on Black Friday over the years:

1. Pet Rock (1975)

What started as a joke quickly became a phenomenon. Gary Dahl, an advertising executive from California created the Pet Rock to be funny, and ended up a multimillionaire. It's literally just a rock in a box. Each rock came in a cardboard box, along with a 32-page training manual. Five million Pet Rocks were sold during a six month period, with sales peaking around Christmastime in 1976. The fad quickly died out soon after that—but not the pet rocks. Because they were rocks.

2. Cabbage Patch Kids (1983)

Deemed by many as the "Original Black Friday," the day after Thanksgiving 1983 saw hoards of crazed parents trampling each other for a shot at grabbing a Cabbage Patch Kid. At a store in Pennsylvania, one woman was knocked to the ground and suffered a broken leg while a store manager literally held a baseball bat in the air to keep crazed shoppers at bay (You can watch the news report about it here). Cabbage Patch Dolls dolls sold out of stores in a heartbeat, but many were available on the "black market" for up to 1- times their retail price. So, if you ever find yourself looking for something to blame for turning the day after Thanksgiving from quiet time spent with family into a frenzy of consumerist madness, go yell at a Cabbage Patch doll. This is their fault.

3. Teddy Ruxpin (1985)

Teddy Ruxpin, albeit slightly creepy, was extremely popular during the Christmas season of 1985. Eight-hundred-thousand of the talking bears were sold in 1985, many for two to three times their normal price because of a shortage around the holidays. Judging by this retro commercial, it appears that Teddy Ruxpin rose to popularity by brainwashing children to love him through his hypnotic stare and pre-recorded tapes.

4. Nintendo (1988)

The OG Nintendo gaming system caused quite the stir over the holidays in 1988. Seven million NES systems were sold in 1988, making it the best-selling toy of that Christmas season and the entire year. One out of every six dollars families spent on toys was on video game systems and software. Later, Nintendo would follow this stellar performance up with Black Friday frenzies for the GameBoy, the Nintendo64, and the Nintendo Wii.

5. Tickle Me Elmo (1996)

Not since the Cabbage Patch Kid had we seen a toy hysteria so insane, until 1996 when Tickle Me Elmo came on the scene. Thanks in part to an appearance on the Rosie O'Donnell Show, Tickle Me Elmo became the most popular toy for the holidays of '96, and you know what that means: Trampled store clerks! Fist fights at Walmart! Muppet black markets! Fancy jewelry stores on 5th Avenue offering a free Elmo with your purchase of expensive diamonds! You know, all the things Elmo truly stands for.

6. Furby (1998)

I'm sure I wasn't the only 8-year-old to wake up on Christmas morning of 1998 excited to find a Furby under the tree, only to wonder two hours later why I had ever wanted this weird thing in the first place. During the three years of its original production, 40 million Furbys were sold. They were great when they were just babbling in their own little language, until they creepily began learning how to speak English and were banned at the Pentagon as a possible security risk. (Yes, that actually happened.)

9. Zhu Zhu Pets (2009)

Zhu Zhu Pets (which are essentially hamsters minus the smells and poo) were all the rage in 2009. Though not quite as crazy as the Cabbage Patch or Tickle Me Elmo frenzies, Cepia, which manufactures Zhu Zhu Pets, said they made a whopping $70 million from sales in 2009 on a toy that costs less that $10 a pop.

10. Frozen merchandise (2014)

Ah, yes. Who could forget the Frozen fever of 2014? And with a huge demand for movie merchandise, of course the months leading up to Christmas of that year saw some crazy parents. Reports of physical fights breaking out in Disney Stores were not unheard of.

And so, with that, I hope that you enjoy your turkey and your subsequent consumerist feeding frenzy this week. Happy holidays!

Seth Rogen has to stand next to Billy Eichner and listen to people who don't care he 'died.'

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In a profoundly uncomfortable episode of Billy on the Street, host Billy Eichner accosts New Yorkers, accompanied by a disguised Seth Rogen, to tell them that Seth Rogen is dead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=374&v=ZobYSCS74yE

Several people cared, many did not, and one woman took the opportunity to say how unfunny she thought Seth Rogen was before finding herself in a quiet confrontation with the man himself.

"I'm not into stoner humor."


'Hamilton' star continues being gracious, invites Trump to see the show.

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Brandon Victor Dixon, who plays Aaron Burr in Hamilton on Broadway, was not the only vice president in the house Friday night. The actor is the one who delivered the now-notorious statement to vice president-elect Mike Pence after learning that he was in the audience.

Though Donald Trump considered Dixon's call to uphold American values to be "harassment," Pence has since said was cool with it. Dixon went on CBS This Morning to discuss the Hamilcontroversy.

"There's nothing to apologize for," Dixon told the hosts, including Gayle King, who attempted to sing, "Talk less, smile more."

"It was important for us, we wanted it," he explained. "Art is meant to bring people together, it's meant to raise consciousness. And when you have a platform...I told [Hamilton producer] Jeffrey Seller after the show, I said, 'I applaud you all for not throwing away your shot, for taking a moment to spread your message of love and unity."

When they go low, we RISE UP!

Dixon also invited Trump to come see the show. "I think the power of our show and the way we tell it is undeniable," he said. "I think it's important for everyone to see a show like ours." (If only there were tickets!)

In case you haven't watched it a million times already, here's the "harassment" heard 'round the world as recorded by an audience member:

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We'll all get through Turkey Day together with these #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving tips.

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As people grapple with the Thanksgiving reality that their entire family will shortly be around one table, talking politics and everything else, they've turned to the internet to share their best survival tips. Because nothing stresses people out more than family, food, and time off work.

Here's everything you need to do to survive the holiday, according to a few ungrateful, mostly hilarious strangers on the internet.

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Dr. Pimple Popper pries out this woman's 'buffalo hump' and it's glorious.

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Thanksgiving stress getting you down? There's no shame in feeling anxiety about seeing your extended family, discussing politics with them, and being forced to defend your life decisions under the influence of wine and turkey. So why not unwind with that most forbidden of pleasures: popping videos. This time, Dr. Pimple Popper takes on a humdinger of a lipoma on a young woman's upper back. Watch it in reverse, and it's like she's stuffing a turkey with fat!

Stuffing a turkey with fat… now there's a recipe Guy Fieri could really sink his teeth into.

Here's everything coming to Netflix in December to help you escape from reality.

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The weather's getting colder, and the world outside is still a total mess, so why not stay in and try to escape from harsh reality by losing yourself in a movie or binge-watching a zillion episodes of a TV show? Here's what's coming to Netflix in December.

Available December 1

Always (1989)

Angels in the Snow (2015)

Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

Beyond Bollywood (2014)

Black Snake Moan (2007)

Chill with Bob Ross: Collection (1990)

Compulsion (1959)

D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994)

David Blaine: Street Magic (1997)

Dreamland (2010)

For the Love of Spock (2016)

Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce: Season 2 (2015)

Glory Daze: The Life and Time of Michael Alig (2016)

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

Hitler: A Career (1977)

Holiday Engagement (2011)

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

House of Wax (2006)

Hannibal (2001)

Merli: Season 1

Merry Kissmas (2015)

National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978)

Picture Perfect (1997)

Rainbow Time (2016)

Rodeo & Juliet (2015)

Swept Under (2016)

Switchback (1997)

The Angry Birds Movie (2016)

The Crucible (1996)

The Little Rascals (1994)

The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000)

The Rock (1996)

The Spirit of Christmas (2015)

Toys (1992)

Uncle Nick (2015)

Waking Life (2001)

Way of the Dragon (1972)

We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story (1993)

White Girl (2016)

Wildflower (2016)

Zero Point (2014)

Available December 2

Fauda: Season 1

Hip Hop Evolution: Season 1

Pacific Heat: Season 1

Available December 3

Lost & Found Music Studios: Season 2

Available December 5

Mad (2016)

The Good Neighbor (2016)

Available December 6

Blue Jay

Homeland (Iraq Year Zero): Season 1

Reggie Watts: Spatial

The Devil Dolls (2016)

The Model (2016)

Available December 8

The Cuba Libre Story: Season 1

Available December 9

Captive: Season 1

Cirque du Soleil Junior - Luna Petunia: Season 1

Club de Cuervos: Season 1

Fuller House: Season 2

Four Seasons in Havana: Season 1

Medici: Masters of Florence: Season 1

Spectral

White Rabbit Project: Season 1

Available December 10

Lucky Number Slevin (2006)

Phantom of the Theater (2016)

Available December 11

Breaking a Monster (2016)

Available December 12

Ricardo O'Farrill: Christmas Special

Available December 13

Colony: Season 1

Killswitch (2016)

I Am Not a Serial Killer (2016)

Nobel: Season 1

Available December 14

Versailles: Season 1 (2015)

Available December 16

Barry

Call Me Francis: Season 1

Crazyhead: Season 1

No Second Chance: Season 1

Rats (2016)

The Adventures of Puss in Boots: Season 4

Available December 19

Miss Stevens (2016)

Available December 20

Maryland (Disorder) (2015)

Gabriel Iglesias: Sorry For What I Said When I Was Hungry

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic: Season 6 (2016)

Ten Percent: Season 1

The Break: Season 1

Available December 23

Travelers: Season 1

Trollhunters: Season 1

Available December

Marvel’s Captain America: Civil War (2016)

When Hari Got Married (2013)

Available December 27

Ajin: Season 2

Chasing Cameron: Season 1

Available December 28

Comedy Bang! Bang!: Season 5 (2016)

Available December 29

The Hollywood Shorties (2016)

Available December 30

The Eighties: Season 1 (2016)

Available December 31

Big in Bollywood (2011)

12 classic Thanksgiving TV episodes you can stream instead of spending time with your family.

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The beauty of Thanksgiving is getting federally-approved time off work, but having to spend it with family can be far from relaxing. Here are 12 sitcom episodes with hilarious, unfortunate hijinks that will take your mind of your own fam. A glimpse at a New Girl or an Always Sunny Thanksgiving will make your's seem not-that-bad.

The best part? All of these are available on Netflix or Hulu to stream on your computer in your childhood bedroom.

1. How I Met Your Mother, "Slapsgiving" (Season 3, Episode 9)

No matter how heated your family's arguments are, here's hoping that it doesn't result a brutal, violent slap in the face. The legen—wait for it—HIMYM episode features awkwardness all around, with exes Ted and Robin sexing, and Robin bringing her current boyfriend to dinner the next day. It's major (salute!) dysfunction.

2. Modern Family, "Three Turkeys" (Season 6, Episode 8)

In peak sitcom hijinks, Jay and Gloria got caught pretending to be in Mexico, and not one, but THREE turkeys were harmed in this the making of this confrontation.

3. New Girl, "Parents" (Season 2, Episode 8)

Jess tries to Parent Trap her parents and her eventual boyfriend Nick is super-horny for her mom. Even if your uncle passes out and the turkey is burnt, your Thanksgiving can't be worse.

4. Bob's Burgers, "An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal" (Season 3, Episode 5)

This Thanksgiving was not a fun day for Bob Belcher, who lent out his family to his landlord and had a lonely time in the kitchen with his lonely friend, the turkey. And it's good to have a television screen between you and Linda's Thanksgiving song, in case you want to mute it.

5. The Simpsons, "Bart vs. Thanksgiving" (Season 2, Episode 7)

Bart's gonna Bart, and the rascal ruined Thanksgiving by ruining Lisa's cornucopia. He ends up doing a mitzvah at a soup kitchen and learning the True Meaning Of The Holiday.

6. South Park, "Black Friday" (Season 17, Season 7)

The first episode of an epic trilogy, South Park raises the stakes on Thanksgiving weekend with a Game of Thrones parody. When you play the game of Black Friday, you win or you die.

7. Happy Endings, "More Like Stanksgiving" (Season 3, Episode 4)

No matter how embarrassing you and your friends are, at least you weren't on a reality show, or your not-so-meet-cute caught on tape. Pour one out for this darling show, too perfect for this world.

8. Seinfeld, "The Mom & Pop Store" (Season 6, Episode 8)

You may make some dumb purchases on Black Friday, but at least you didn't spend money on a convertible thinking it belonged to actor and Angelina Jolie's dad Jon Voight instead of normal John Voight. Plus, you didn't strike out with Bryan Cranston!

9. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, "The Gang Squashes Their Beefs" (Season 9, Episode 10)

While your family might feel like your enemies, the Paddy's pub gang actually invited all the people they've hurt and maimed over the years to literally bury a hatchet, only to lock them into a burning apartment. Hopefully your meal is fire-free.

10. Cheers, "Thanksgiving Orphans" (Season 5, Episode 9)

Two words: Food. Fight.

11. Friends. All 10 Thanksgiving episodes.

A Friends marathon buys you an additional five hours of peace and quiet. Watch all 10. If you only have time for nine, skip "The One with the List."

Anchor accidentally draws penis on live TV and can't hide it. Everyone goes nuts.

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In Seattle last week, the Q13 News This Morning team were trying to play a drawing game with a big touch screen in a classic example of morning show antics—until anchor Kaci Aitchison's attempt to draw a cannon went slightly awry. After just two strokes, her creation looked less like a cannon, and more like an organic flesh cannon. The kind that shoots pee. From a man.

What could have been an ordinary news blooper was elevated by the fact that Q13's touchscreen software didn't have an erase feature. Aitchison was forced to live with the penis she had wrought, and her co-anchors couldn't get enough of it. They were laughing their heads off like a bunch of middle-schoolers.

So were we.


Article 77

5 ridiculous pieces of technology you can actually buy on Cyber Monday.

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Cyber Monday is coming, which means good deals will abound for items you may need the holiday season ... as well as items that, frankly, nobody needs. So set your alarm clocks for Monday morning and then enjoy this list of some absolutely ludicrous technology that is, for better or worse, very much real and available for purchase:

1. A typewriter for your computer.

This typewriter that attaches to your computer is the perfect gift for time-traveling novelists. Just think, you can't get acclimated with keyboards, but there's just no arguing with the convenience of computer screens, either. No problem—you can use this typewriter to type on "any desktop, computer, tablet, or smartphone" (for some reason). And it comes at the reasonable price of $1,270.

2. The do-it-yourself back shaver.

Yo, technology doesn't have to mean electronic, does it? Sometimes you don't feel like paying someone to do this for you (or asking a significant other to do the dirty deed). Sometimes you just want to grab the bull by its back hair. This do-it-yourself backshaver is DIY at its finest, for only $34.95.

3. Tickleseat.

This is a terrible product, with a terrible description which we will read in full. It begins:

Got Game with the ladies? If you do, good for you Don Juan!

Jesus.

The Tickleseat will make scoring that much easier for you. If you're like the rest of us, we would like to introduce you to the Ultimate Wingman! Disguised as an innocent back massager, the Tickleseat can take your relationship to the next level with a press of a button.

Although the Tickleseat is "disguised" as an innocent back massager (there is no such thing as an innocent back massager), that does not mean you should be tricking anyone into sitting in this thing. The Tickleseat seems to acknowledge as much, as they say they have named their product "Tickleseat" so as to intrigue the ladies on the strength of the name alone.

Now getting her in the mood doesn't have to take countless dates, dinners, drinks, and chick flicks. Simply have her sit on the Tickleseat and watch what happens, plus with a name like "Tickleseat" she will definitely be curious.

Now comes Tickleseat's worst line: "Tickleseat works by utilizing strategically positioned vibration points that stimulate her 'special areas' and get you into scoring position!"

STOP RUINING SPORTS FOR US, TICKLESEAT.

Here's the rest, only because it feels important to finish what we started.

Plus, the Tickleseat works in your home and on the go in the car with the included auto power adapter. Tickleseat ( one word ) is the ultimate wingman. There is no need for hard to prove pheromone sprays , just turn the tickleseat on and let it do the heavy lifting for you.

The goddamn Tickleseat (one word) costs $99.69. Again, everything about it is horrible.

4. A disgusting phone case featuring an ingrown toenail.

Here's a phone case with a photo of an ingrown toenail on it. Act fast, because at the time of publishing, there's somehow only one left in stock.

This will cost you $28.34 and the cost of a new phone after you throw up on yours.

5. Mobile movie theater glasses.

Look weird while enjoying a movie at the same time! Let's finish with a piece of technology that actually seems awesome—these Cyclops glasses that supposedly play movies right in your eye holes. They cost $104.98 and if they don't break immediately, that'd be shocking.

Mom's refreshingly kind post to her daughter's new 'stepmom' goes viral.

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A mom's post about her daughter's relationship with her ex-fiancé's new girlfriend has gone viral, and not because of any furniture-throwing or clap-backs or petty drama. Actually, it's just the opposite.

"This is my daughters fathers gf. The sweetest thing ever!" wrote Audrey Nicole next to a photo of her daughter and her ex's girlfriend, Whitney Mcgraw. "I'm super thankful for her because when she visits her dad she feeds her, takes care of her, buys her gifts, and basically takes care of her like her own."

MOMS OF THE YEAR, much?

Here's the post:

This is my daughters fathers gf. The sweetest thing ever! I'm super thankful for her because when she visits her dad she...

Posted by Audrey Nicole on Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Audrey Nicole also calls out other moms for being jealous towards a new mother figure in their child's life, pointing out that being a "stepmom" isn't easy. "NOONE said it was easy trying to be a mother to a kid you didn't have," she wrote. "So when there is someone trying don't push them away!"

Clearly her words struck a nerve, because the post has been shared nearly 150 thousand times. She ends with a plea to other moms in this situation: "Ladies grow up and focus on being a good mom not worrying about what's on your baby daddy's girl friends Facebook and Instagram while your kid is right next up you. Love more hate less!!!"

Congrats to Audrey and Whitney for being the chillest of chill. May we all do our best to be even half this mature, or at least not throw any chairs this Thanksgiving.

Article 74

Lindsay Lohan went full Regina George on Ariana Grande’s Instagram.

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Oh, Lindsay, why?? Maybe Lindsay Lohan has too much free time on her hands lately, or maybe she thinks that singer Ariana Grande really needs to hear her criticisms? For whatever reason, Lohan took it upon herself to write "Too much makeup" in the comments of some selfies the pop star posted on Instagram of herself in costume rehearsing for Hairspray Live (she plays Penny). WTF?

I really love you @dovecameron #HairsprayLive @nbchairspraylive ♡

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on

And not just once, not even twice, but three times (compiled here by Instagram account theartofshade_). Dang, Lindsay!

#lindsaylohan went on three #arianagrande posts and commented: #toomuchmakeup 😩💀

A photo posted by The Archive of Shade (@theartofshade_) on

Grande, who won Artist of the Year at Sunday night's AMAs, hasn't commented back, but she's made her feelings about people judging her pretty well known. Last year she posted an Instagram slamming people who talk about others' bodies in negative ways.

Read that and think about what you've done, Lindsay. You can come out of your room when you're ready to apologize.

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