"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about what a douche I am?"

Ever have one of those days where you just really need to hate someone, but there aren't any good targets around? Today is not one of those days. Meet Jerry. Jerry is a spoiled little punk who went to brunch last Sunday at Pranna (probably), which is a very obnoxious restaurant even by Manhattan brunch standards, with his drunk, rich friends. Jerry either had a wonderful brunch or a terrible brunch, because he emerged absolutely wasted, with a desire to scream about how rich his daddy is at anyone who dared look upon him.

Jerry's behavior is pretty much What Not To Do 101 if you are a child of successful people. Step 1 is never to assert that your dad owns...anything. Don't do that. What's wrong with you? BUT, if you're going to do that, don't be hyperbolic—because you'll look both obnoxious and like you're making things up. Your dad does not own half of f***ing Manhattan, Jerry. No one's dad owns half of Manhattan. The largest landowner in NYC is the Catholic Church, and you don't look like Cardinal Dolan's son to me. Not only that, but no one who has watched this video yet has figured out who you are—and if your dad was really a big deal, your name would be on the headline of this article. It's not, because you're a rich little liar.

It's ok, his dad owns, like, half of that sidewalk.

The second step of What Not To Do is not to get your friends so drunk that they physically cannot stand up unless there are servants around. I guess EMTs and ambulance drivers are a kind of servant, but in general you should never deprive your body of more functions than assistants can replace.

Even the comatose guy is giving him a look like "I don't think this is a good idea, Jerry."

Finally, there is no reason to look like this kid. This is not what a rich person looks like. This is what a rich kid looks like. There's a big difference.

I'm in a much better mood, now. Thanks, Jerry. (P.S. - That obnoxious rich girl who's covering her face is the only one with a clue in this video. Good job, obnoxious rich girl.)

(by Johnny McNulty)

(Via Getty)

5. Gonzalo Jara

Ugh, this guy. It's becoming clear that the popularity of soccer isn't just about rooting for your team with the unbridled rage of a face-painted berzerker. It's also about watching the other team suffer. That suffering will often fall onto the shoulders of a single, spiritually destroyed player who failed to make (or defend) a game-losing goal. As of Saturday afternoon, that player was Gonzalo Jara, who held Chile's hopes in the toes of his foot when he kicked the fifth of five penalty kicks against Brazil, who was leading 3-2 at the time. Jara's kick hit the post, his country was eliminated, and his soul was turned to a dark stew of bile and sadness as he knew he would spend the rest of his life remembering the moment the ball left his foot, carrying him with it on its journey to despair. PS: GET READY TO CHEER FOR AMERICA TOMORROW GUYS!

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Very minor injuries. First driving lesson didn't go well. Rollover in Waltham on Calvary pic.twitter.com/qzFotrp1XN” #poltwt

— Waltham MA Police (@WalthamMAPolice) June 27, 2014

4. This kid who flipped his car during his very first driving lesson.

An unnamed driving student from Waltham, Massachusetts managed to drive a car up a tree and roll it onto its roof. That's usually a third semester level stunt at stunt driving school, but this student did it on the first lesson! For regular driving! Despite how it looks, law enforcement reported minimal injuries. Don't be discouraged, young driver, but next time remember not to confuse the brake pedal with a tree. 

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(Via Instagram)

3. Kylie Jenner for forgetting that people expect the highest standards of honesty and transparency from their professionally famous randos.

If you saw people rushing out into the streets and setting stuff on fire today, it's because word spread that Kylie Jenner dared to maybe slightly photoshop a photo of a bikini pic that she posted on Instagram. The image above shows the photoshopped pic on the left (because it's blurry I guess?), which she posted but quickly deleted before posting the original, untouched image (right). Commenters stormed Twitter and Instagram to chastise her for the deception, and Jenner quickly learned that being famous solely for being visually appealing while sharing blood with a reality show star does not excuse you from posting to Instagram with unassailable journalistic integrity. She should be posting a pic of herself in her public apology bikini very soon.

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2. Emma Watson for letting those border-hopping Americans go over to England and take their jobs.

Emma Watson is getting some heat from U.K. Immigration for allowing her American housekeeper to come with her to England and continue working, even though she was only traveling with a tourist visa. Watson could face up to $17,000 in fines, while her housekeeper faces a barrage of mail from undocumented American workers asking, "How's it feel?"

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1. Craft store employees who know that this world is hurtling toward oblivion and bringing new life into it is a cruel, selfish deed.

The Supreme Court ruled today that Hobby Lobby can refuse to provide health coverage for their employees' contraception, claiming that it's an infringement on a corporation's religious freedom to prevent it from imposing that corporation's religious beliefs on its employees. Also, corporations can believe in God now, apparently. Hobby Lobby employees are probably kind of bummed today, as anyone would be to find out that their family planning decisions are being made by a store that's made its fortune by preying on this country's scrapbooking epidemic.

(by Myka Fox and Bob Powers)

The whitest-looking guy in a stadium full of white-looking guys.

As a liberal white person, one of my favorite pastimes is obviously making fun of other white people for being so white! It's what we do to make ourselves feel slightly less white by comparison. (Oh, white people! We're so white!) 

So, I went into this video of BET Awards host Chris Rock interviewing white people at a monster truck show—"the whitest place [he] could find"—fully expecting to laugh at some white people. However, as I realized about midway through this clip, I'm really, really white:

Okay, since I'm a white guy who went to college in the '90s, I know what NWA stands for (and if you ask me to, I'll happily recite most of "F--k tha Police" for you). BET, I know that — it's one of the 3,000 stations that I don't watch because it doesn't have Game of Thrones. I'll admit that didn't know that there was such a thing as the BET Awards. But, to be fair, there are, like, a billion televised annual award shows.

Okay, now here's where it gets really embarrassing: I have no idea how to end that "Started from the Bottom" Drake lyric thing. I am aware that Drake is a hip-hop artist, and I gather it's a song of his. But if I was pressed, I probably would have said "ended at the top" right along with these people.

Does this mean I have to get into monster trucks now?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"Thanks for blocking the sun, Captain Buzzkill!" (via)

"Sit... Stay... Pretend you're puking. Good boy!"(via)

The perfect bubble butt.(via)

Breaking up the game and the fan.(via)

A good samaritan putting out a marshmallow fire. (via)

Australian rules mullet.(via)

The squirrel would consider this terrible timing.(via)

World's longest rain drop.(via)

When a second camera's flash either ruins or makes your photo.(via)

Holy Sheet!(via)

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Hard to say who is drooling the most here. (via DanRadcliffe)

Daniel Radcliffe was seen smoking a cigarette while walking 12 dogs in New York City's Bryant Park on Monday. Before you go out and buy a dog in hopes that Harry Potter will walk it, the suspicion is that this was part of a cameo he is making in the upcoming Judd Apatow film Trainwreck. Radcliffe was recently added to the cast on the movie's IMDB page, but Apatow has been notoriously tight lipped about the project. 

When freakishly polished fan site DanRadcliffe.com (when does a fan site become stalking evidence?) tweeted at Apatow to confirm the rumor, this was the response:

“@danradcliffecom:Dan to cameo in Trainwreck? READ: http://t.co/gGW5o43HIBpic.twitter.com/D2XcNoHeEU” Not true! He was just walking his dogs

— Judd Apatow (@JuddApatow) June 30, 2014

Just walking his dogs? I'd say thats a 'yes' to him being in the movie. Also, this picture of Radcliffe sitting with Apatow on the set of Trainwreck is a pretty good clue, too.

And that's writer and co-star Amy Schumer on the left. (via DanRadcliffe)

(by Myka Fox)

This man is about to OD on smug.

Ted Marsden and Nick Hurley, the two guys behind Worst Friends Comedy, want to raise awareness of just how unbearable virtually everyone sounds during World Cup season. As Americans, we have no good questions to ask each other about soccer. It's not like we can even talk about something as basic as how a player is performing compared to their regular-season play. During the regular season, we treat douchebags who watch Manchester United games on satellite TV like they're lepers who spread their disease through those scarfs.

Unfortunately, that leaves us with basically one thing to talk about during the Cup: "Did you also see the thing that I saw?" There are only four answers to this question in the real world: 1.) Yes, 2.) I read about it, 3.) Don't spoil it!, and 4.) This is America and you have 5 seconds to back away before I shoot. The answer is usually 1 or 2, even if they're lying.

These two did a pretty good job nailing everyone's banality while at the same time making an interesting video. As for the editing, I don't know whether they've actually seen the World Cup or not, but I'm pretty sure they've seen Tim and Eric.

(by Johnny McNulty)

These colors don't run. Even when they're covered in syrup. (via)

The only thing Americans love more than winning at sports is making money. That's how the all-American calorie factory Waffle House is preparing for today's World Cup match, by combining patriotism, product placement, and good old fashioned smack talk aimed at Belgians and their waffles.

It started with a simple tweet with the above image along with "And today we will dominate #USA." That caught the attention of waffle-loving Americans with an appetite for victory, and things became heated enough to melt butter.

We ready #USA#WEBELIEVETHATWEWILLWINpic.twitter.com/Sfdg0zXyNJ

— Waffle House (@WaffleHouse) July 1, 2014

When the #USA wins today I'm celebrating with @WaffleHouse because that's just how it's done in America.

— Dan Ransick (@Dransick1) June 26, 2014

.@Belgium America prefers @WaffleHouse

— Fletcher Massie (@FletcherMassie) June 26, 2014

The most American of news outlets even got involved to hyperbolically raise the stakes.

Team USA Soccer -- BOYCOTT BELGIAN WAFFLES ... Says Waffle House! http://t.co/HQaJAIkICA

— TMZ (@TMZ) June 30, 2014

Waffle House then dropped the most disrespectful waffle tweet imaginable.

We don't believe in Belgium waffles

— Waffle House (@WaffleHouse) June 30, 2014

New York City's Belgian waffle restaurant Wafels & Dinges was clearly feeling the heat, and attempted to cool things down with a little promotional goodwill of their own.

World Cup Wafels!!! Dear Wafeloons! The match will be on at our cafe and we will hand out free Belgian style Wafels for 15 minutes

— Wafels & Dinges (@waffletruck) July 1, 2014

World Cup Ice Cream!! Dear Team USA Wafeloons!! Free Ice Cream for 15' after every USA goal from all our locations!!! Go Go Go #teamUSA !

— Wafels & Dinges (@waffletruck) July 1, 2014

Team USA may be underdogs in today's match against Belgium, but when it comes to fast food, smack talk, and turning a profit, I like our chances.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

HALP! 

Meet Pixel, the world's shortest cat. 

Pixel is here on this planet thanks to the attention of Tiffani Kjeldergaard, a cannabis activist who has been breeding record-breakingly short "mini-mews" on the world's first and only "420 friendly horse ranch." 

Sure, some people say that the mutation that causes these cats' legs to be short is a defect and a hindrance to the animal and should not be celebrated. And, sure, even Kjeldergaard herself admits "everybody [the cats] has been kicked or stepped on at least once." But that's a small price to pay if you wanna watch a feline freak show while you're super blazed on Sour D (allegedly).

See for yourself in BarcroftTV's mini-documentary about the mini-cats. Now would be a good time to activate the cannabis. 

It's almost hard to tell whats cuter, little Pixel, or the British guy's pronunciation of "little Pixel." 

What's weirder anyway, a mutant cat, or drinking something out of a cow? 

(by Myka Fox)

Ketsia, you really need to find a new identity.

It's generally not great to yell at little kids, but when one of them is throwing rocks at your house, gosh darnit, that's the time to let loose on the little buggers. Redditor pink_vicky posted this note with the explanation "Neighbour girl was throwing stones at our back door so I told her off. This morning we got this apology :'3." Judging by the extra "u" in neighbor and the "mum" on the note, this story takes place somewhere that considers Queen Elizabeth II to be their monarch, but the language of apology bracelets is universal. 

For those of you who are curious about what is written on the back (there's a note to "turn over" in the corner), according to pink_vicky, "On the back it basically repeats the same stuff, i.e. "I'm really sorry, like, really really sorry" and so on. BLESS."

Pink_vicky confirmed that she wrote a note accepting the apology and thanking Ketsia for the bracelets and passed it back through the same hole in the fence that Ketsia had used. Because this story wasn't adorable enough, apparently.

Also, pink_vicky does not have a baby, although she might not mention that to Ketsia until she's sure the lesson about not throwing rocks has sunk in.

(by Johnny McNulty)

When it all plays out, the most disturbing thing of all is his decision to wear shorts.

Forgive the Upworthy title. I just don't want to spoil anything.

Everything about this video looks like someone's going to die. It's bikers chasing down of a car, which rarely ends well. It's Russian, for God's sake, so the best-case scenario is the fight gets broken up when one of the motorcycles gets run over by a tank being driven by a bear. Then there's the scary metal pumping over the whole thing, which is annoying, and more likely, a harbinger of bloodshed to come.

Then the girl gets out.

Oh shit.

Is she about to get assaulted? Is she a secret Kung Fu master who's about to save her boyfriend's butt? The reddit share of this video says it has an "unexpected ending." Is she going to fall for one of the bikers and drive off? Or is that bear-driven tank really about to enter the frame?

Watch to 1:45 and find out.

Awww! 

Seriously though. Shorts? Maybe he didn't want to tip his hand, but every time she tells this story she has to remember those pale calves again. This is Russia, not Margaritaville. When you get down on bended knee, cover that knee in some slacks.

(by Bob Powers)

1. Yahoo Saves Us All From Having To Hear Comedy Nerds Bitch About 'Community' Getting Cancelled, For At Least A Little While

Lo and behold, it turns out that if you complain and complain and complain incessantly enough, you can sometimes actually get what you want, even if that thing really isn't all that important. Case in point: Yahoo has announced that it is picking up the recently cancelled cult (read as: not particularly popular outside of a small group of extremely vocal obsessives) sit-com Community for a 6th season. Yahoo's logic is that this will most likely quiet them down, at least until it comes time for them to begin rioting for a 7th season.

Season 6 of Community will air on Yahoo. Season 7 will be heard on CB radios, and season 8 will be told orally around a campfire in Africa.

— Nick Youssef (@NickYoussef) June 30, 2014

2. Don't Worry, Ladies — Hobby Lobby Still Covers Your Grandfather's Boner Pills

U.S. women who are concerned that the Supreme Court's recent Burwell v. Hobby Lobby decision will negatively impact citizens' abilities to get their birth control and sex-related medications covered by their work insurance policies should take heart: Hobby Lobby is still happy to cover vasectomies and viagra pills for its non-vagina-having employees. So, you should sleep comfortably in the knowledge that your elderly male supervisors may continue boning their mistresses in peace. John Oliver offers some perspective:

My irrational anger at Hobby Lobby is interfering with my ability to masturbate to crafting shows.

— Adam Wilson (@theleanover) July 1, 2014

3. Can The U.S. World Cup Team Live Up To Its Recent Triumphant Tie and Loss?

The pressure is on the U.S. soccer team to somehow live up to the recent triumphs—a tie with Portugal and a loss to Germany— that allowed them to advance this far in the World Cup. The question is: Can they pull off a tie or a loss to Belgium today to keep their streak going? Only time will tell.

WORLD CUP CHEERING TIP FOR U.S. FANS: Refer to the Belgium socc-ball team as the BELCH-um team, so as to disparage them. #humor#burn#USA

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) July 1, 2014

4. Nicolas Sarkozy Detained By Anti-Corruption Police Who Apparently Aren't Currently Accepting Bribes

Nicolas Sarkozy has been detained and is being questioned by financial investigators as part of a corruption probe. Though the conservative former French president—who is expected to mount a reelection campaign for 2017—has not been convicted of any crimes, he does have the distinction of being the country's first ex-head of state to be taken into police custody, thus proving that he is truly a transformative politician.

Complaining about "corruption of the political process" is like complaining about "contamination of the cesspool tank."

— Mojave Phone Booth (@MojaveFoneBooth) May 17, 2014

5. Shia LaBeouf Is Now In The 'Checking Into Rehab' Phase Of His Attention-Seeking Crusade

Troubled actor Shia LaBeouf has reportedly checked himself into rehab, which ought be good for at least a few days worth of headlines.

Shia LaBeouf was seen checking into rehab with an AA book in hand. Step 9, apologizing to the entire cast of Cabaret, should take a while.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) July 1, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)