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Mariah Carey is on the weirdest diet where she can eat only two foods.

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Dieting is already the worst. But imagine being on a diet where you can only eat two things (and neither of those things are pizza, ice cream, Fruit Loops or even fruit). That's Mariah Carey's reality, and she's not happy about it. “It’s really hard. My diet, you would hate it,” the 46-year-old singer kvetched to E! News this week. “All you eat is Norwegian salmon and capers every day. That’s it.”

UMMM, I HAVE QUESTIONS.

This is the bougiest thing I have maybe ever heard (no surprise, we are talking about Mariah), but it also seems odd. Why only Norwegian salmon and capers? Isn't that a lot of salt? Who recommended this diet? A sea creature?

Plus, what's wrong with adding in some blueberries or a few pieces of kale? Would an alternate type of seafood—like crab or shrimp—go straight to her thighs? I'm sincerely confused.

The singer offered zero answers, saying only that she's “actually serious,” about her strict diet plan. She added: "I try to stick with the proteins. It’s the worst.” But whyyyy, Mariah? If you must diet, what's wrong with Weight Watchers or the Atkins diet where you eat huge mounds of bacon all day long and still lose weight?

According to Page Six, newly single Mariah is trying to slim down in time for a "slew of Christmas concerts in New York City in December and then again for a gang of dates in 2017 for her Las Vegas residency."

I still don't get it, but I admire her for taking on the daunting task of dieting around the holidays. Even if capers and Norwegian salmon seem like what Santa might put in rich kids' stockings if they've been naughty.


Canadian police threaten to punish drunk drivers by making them listen to Nickelback.

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On Canada’s Prince Edward Island, a local police department has come up with a solution to drunk driving that might actually work: forcing DUI suspects to listen to Nickelback. Sorry, Chad Kroeger. Everyone is always making fun of you and your inexplicably popular Canadian pop/grunge band. But at least this time it's for a good cause!

On Saturday, the Kensington, PEI police department posted a message on Facebook warning anyone "dumb enough to feel they can drink and drive" that in addition to fines, criminal charges, and license suspension, they would be forced to listen to the department's in-house Nickelback CD. Because "we figure if you are foolish enough to get behind the wheel after drinking then a little Chad Kroeger and the boys is the perfect gift for you."

Here's the full post:

Kensington Police Drinking and Driving Gift. Christmas Bonus Edition So, the Holiday Season is upon us and that means...

Posted by Kensington Police Service on Saturday, November 26, 2016

As funny as this is, I do feel bad for Chad. He always seems so sad. Maybe it would cheer him up to know that his horrifically bad music could save some lives this holiday season!

And remember: if you've been down into the bottom of every bottle, call an Uber.

Man cold.

Campers share the single creepiest things that ever happened to them in the woods.

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Camping can be a pretty magical experience: It's the opportunity to get back to nature, breathe in all that fresh air, and roast some marshmallows around the fire. It's great fun if you can get over the fact that you're out in the middle of nowhere, completely unprotected with only a thin, vinyl tent flap protecting you from wild animals and whatever else is hiding in the night.

It can get pretty creepy out there, sosome people decided to make themselves feel better by taking to Reddit and sharing the absolute creepiest things that ever happened to them while camping. Now it's your problem.

1. Honestly, this story from StarshipEnterprise is 10 times scarier than it needed to be.

Crossed paths with wolves, a pack of 10. They got off the trail after staring at us for about 40 seconds. I looked over my shoulder the rest of the trip, not like it would really do anything.

2. Just a ghostly figure needing to borrow a cup of camping sugar, prenatal_queefdrip, it's fine.

I was camping with a buddy in separate tents and had my dog in my tent. Middle of the night he starts up with a very gutteral growl Ive never heard from him before or since. Shine my light at my buddies tent and see what looks like him standing outside the front of his tent. Don't think anything of it and go back to sleep. I brought it up to him the next morning and he said he never got up that night. I made him show me all the clothes he brought with him and he didnt have any that matched what that person was wearing. We were very far removed from any kind of civilization and hadn't seen another person for many miles.

3. This guythought they were safe, but they were just pulling the wool over their eyes, as it were.

2am, heard a scratching sound. Instantly wide awake.

Scratching gets louder. Too dark to see anything.

Side of tent starts bulging inwards. Now a loud scraping sound. Side of tent almost touching the floor, pointy object pushing into the tent.

Leaped up, freaking out, unzipped tent door, expecting serial killer.

Fucking sheep had fallen asleep on the tent.

4. What happened to Drac123 in the woods is equally creepy in the city.

Might seem a little mild, but my friend and I were maybe eleven or twelve . So we're In the woods being dumb boys, when we start to pee. By this time it was getting dark, and I feel like somebody's watching us, so I looked to my right and saw some dude staring at us. I told my friend but he didn't believe me, so when I pointed at him he tried hiding more. So, we took the F off.

5. This story from KateMadeAce has everything a story needs, if what you need in a story is poop and a dead body.

The first and last time my significant other convinced me to try camping only lasted a few hours. We set up the tent, I got wrapped up in reading and he went for a hike. He has some ongoing digestive issues and a couple of miles away felt natures call. He walked off the trail into the trees to take care of business.

He came thrashing back into the campsite red faced and in a little bit of shock. The first words out of his mouth were "is there DNA in poop? I just pooped on a crime scene."

To clarify, he pooped on a shallow grave. Or near a shallow grave. Stand By Me was a decent movie, but I wasn't tromping back to see for myself. This was just before everyone took phones everywhere, so we drove back to the nearest town to call authorities. The police asked us to clear out and I packed up while he went to show the detectives where.

6. At first, English user PM_ME_YOUR_ZITS_G1RL probably thought they were meeting Paddington.

Woke up to find a bear literally standing over me. I'm English, I'd never seen a bear before. I was 'cowboy' camping in just a sleeping bag in lake Tahoe. I froze, then closed my eyes and feigned sleep, and it wandered off.

7. You know what's worse than encountering an angry bear in the woods? Encountering a distressed ghost in the woods, like Stooby2 did.

I used to run a Cub Scout Pack years ago and one weekend we were camping at a Scout Association camp site. At about 2am on the Saturday morning I was woken by one of the boys screaming. It was really loud, really terrified screaming.

I crashed out of my tent and as I ran to where the boys' tent were - a row of dome tents with four boys in each - the screaming stopped. I was looking for a tiger or something dragging a cub scout out and devouring him (not that we get tigers in South East London), the screaming had been that terrible.

But there was just silence. No other kids had woken up, but I'd been joined by the other two leaders, equally worried and mystified. I couldn't believe that the other boys hadn't woken up or that there wasn't anyone crying. Just silence.

We still had the same number of boys in the morning. It didn't happen again and we never did find out who it was or what was up.

8. It so nice of the tornado to be quiet so as not to wake goaway432 and their friends.

I was tent camping with some friends in a relatively remote location. We all went to sleep around 11pm. Woke up the next morning and all the trees behind our tents (starting around 100 feet away) were torn down. Checked the weather later and a freak tornado was reported to have popped up overnight. We just got lucky it bounced when it did or it would have taken us with it.

9. User twomangocats experienced that rare time in life when it's not awesome to meet a dog.

My family owns acreage in the middle of nowhere so we've created a "family camp" of sorts. I was sitting around the fire, finishing my beer and the rest of the family was asleep. It was about 1-2am. The only light was from the stars and the fire and the only sound was the crackling of said fire.

Suddenly, I get that feeling that I'm being watched. There's woods surrounding the camp area and they're obviously pitch black.

This unsettling feeling won't leave me so I stand up to go to to the cabin. As I turn, I see a huge dog standing less than a foot from where I was sitting, just staring at me. I never heard him approach, breathing - nothing. He looked like one of those hunting dogs - black with gray spots on the back.

My heart jumped and I about shat myself but he just sniffed the air then returned to the woods. I've never seen him since nor has any of my family members. Scared the shit out of me.

10. But if it had been a frog, nhjuyt would've pulled the trigger.

I was in my sleeping bag trying to sleep and heard the sound of heavy footsteps coming toward me so I turned on my flashlight and saw nothing.

I settled back down and the footsteps started up again and when they were about twenty feet away I turned on the flashlight, and saw nothing.

So I got my revolver out of my pack and waited, they started up again, the crunching sound in the leaves coming straight for me, crunch, crunch, and when it was about five feet away I turned my light on again and found myself facing down with a .38 a tiny little toad that was trying to reach the stream I was camping near. The sound was it hopping through the leaves.

11. 47sams went camping and it was a total boar.

While I was camping on a peninsula in florida, I awoke to the sound of snorting and heavy breathing. It was quiet for a moment, but it started up again. Turns out, there was a few wild boars right outside my tent, sniffing around and making a ton of noise. I don't think I was in any danger, but that shit freaked me out.

12. Franz_Mueller should look into one of those tents that are more resistant to bullets (they're called houses).

Once when I was camping with my family we heard gunshots. We ran back to the tent to find it practically shredded with bullets.

P.S. It was a "no hunting" area.

13. Say cheese, EthanWoodward!

About 18 years ago I was backpacking alone in Desolation Wilderness in Tahoe. When I got back to civilization and had my photos developed, there was a picture of me sleeping.

14. They were probably just looking for an open campsite, SeriesOfAdjectives.

When I was young, my mom's boyfriend, his two kids, my brother and myself were chilling in lawn chairs looking up at the stars in a big clearing (mom was already sleeping in the tent trailer). We had seen a few shooting stars, and were pointing out the constellations. Suddenly, we saw this super bright object basically just 'zoom' into view. It stopped kind of in the middle of our sight, way high...It just stopped, like dead stop. And hung there. We all were looking at it and each other to make sure other people were seeing this. It just stayed there for a few moments, and then it took off briefly backwards relative to its trajectory when it came into our view, instantly changed direction after this movement and took off as quickly as it had arrived over the horizon. We were all so freaked out we went straight to bed.

15. The guys in the truck blaring their high-beams at FatGuy_InALittleCoat in the middle of the night somehow aren't the worst part about this story. (Spoiler alert: The murder is.)

Some buddies and I went camping by the lake one night. About 1:30 AM, we heard some rustling in the bushes and just figured it was a rabbit or something. Went over to check it out, found nothing. About 1:35 AM, a huge pickup truck that was lifted and blaring loud music drove by (on a dirt road) really, really slowly, shining a huge police-grade spotlight on me and my friends. The truck burned out and kept driving.

So my best friend and I decide to drive up the road and see if we spot anything unusual about the truck. We get to the main road, and there are probably seven or eight cop cars, lights flashing, and two or three ambulances. We stop to turn around and (I swear, like I damn horror film) a cop pecks on my window with his flashlight out of nowhere. He asks what we're doing, we told him we were camping and told him about the truck. He says, "Well, you boys might want to camp somewhere else. We had a homicide here and haven't located the suspect." Friend says, "so should we be scared?" like a damn idiot, and the cop says, and I quote, "Well I'm not scared, but there are twenty officers here and we all have guns." I said yes sir, and tore off back down to the camp site.

Best friend called the rest of our buddies and told them to pack up the gear, not to ask questions, and that we had to get out. We literally threw two fully pitched tents in the back of one of our trucks and got the hell out of there. The cops located the killer about thirty minutes later....at our camp site.

16. Always bring earplugs when camping so you don't end up like canadienne_: terrified.

My friends and I used to camp at this abandoned campground. I'm not sure who found it first, or why, but it was free and that's all that mattered.

I arrive late the first night so I have to bunk awkwardly with several people in a tent. We'd just finally figured out how to arrange ourselves so the guys weren't nuts to butts when we heard it.

Opera music. Full orchestral accompaniment and a beautiful, though faint, soprano voice.

No one else had been in the campground when I got there (I was the last to arrive well after sundown), there were no houses around. A river bordered one side and a large river valley farm was on the other. It was eerily silent all night until the opera singing started.

The second year we went there, we expected more singing, which we got, but only on the first night (which was still super creepy but we had been expecting it). But that year we also got a campsite filled with owls. I've never seen this many owls in one place in my life; there had to have been at least a dozen of those orb-eyed bastards hanging out in the bush surrounding our campsite. They didn't seem to be afraid of us since they lingered every single night, observing us as we went about making dinner. Unnerving to say they very least.

Donald Trump just made a huge announcement about his business via Twitter.

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On Wednesday morning, President-elect Donald Trump made an important announcement about the future of his business via Twitter (of course). After much pushback, it appears likely that the failed steak salesman has decided to leave the fate of his business ventures in the six grubby hands of his children Donald Jr, Ivanka and Eric as he focuses on his latest project: trying to be president.

Only time will tell is Tiffany will get a slice of the pie (she won't).

However, many are rightfully skeptical of the decision to have Trump's children take the reigns, and basically no one is buying that this move will result in the elimination of conflict of interest. In fact, it is likely that the nepotism will only result in more conflict of interest.

Having the von Trumps running the show isn't exactly a surprise, as it would be impossible for Trump to split his time between running his businesses and running the country. The choice to bequeath his business to his three protegés seems logical—that way he can still have a big hand (pun intended) in controlling what is done with his business ventures without officially holding the CEO title. Just think of Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric as three little marionettes being controlled by the tiny hands of the president. Who's the puppet now?

Actually, the whole thing seems like a great premise for a reality show: Three rich kids trying their best to run their dad's business after he drops everything for a new job. So many antics are sure to ensue!

You're welcome.

The 15 funniest reactions to that awkward photo of Donald Trump and Mitt Romney at dinner.

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Of everything to come from Donald Trump's Tuesday night meeting with prospective secretary of state Mitt Romney—and that might include a final decision on that top cabinet position—the following photo is clearly the most important thing:

Because Mitt Romney is being held hostage. Sure, he's being held hostage over a two hour chat and a very populist dinner of frog legs and chocolate cake. Yeah, he emerged from the dinner saying Trump might possibly be "the very man who can lead us to that better future." But still.

There's something in his expression, and in Mr. Trump's eerily illuminated grin (the orange tint makes him look like a jack-o'-lan·tern, that makes it seem like Romney's really, truly, bitten off a bigger frog leg than he can chew here. Here's 15 funny people who found it hilarious.

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And this isn't a joke, but it seems necessary for you know to know that this was also part of the menu:

Welcome back to Anthony Bourdain:Parts Unknown—this week we're visiting the Illuminati.

Natalie Portman and J.J. Abrams proved how good they are at word games on 'The Tonight Show.'

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On Tuesday night, Natalie Portman, the star of the new Jackie O. biopic Jackie, appeared on The Tonight Show, where she partnered with writer/director J.J. Abrams to play a game of Password against host Jimmy Fallon and superstar musician Neil Diamond. She and Abrams were really good at the game, easily handing Fallon and Diamond their asses.

Too bad none of the answers were salad, because then Fallon and Diamond would have nailed it.


25 of the funniest women on Twitter this week: Parties, apples, cats, and more!

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Jokes about cats, holiday parties, election fatigue and more: These are 25 of the funniest tweets by women this week!

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Women come to the rescue after friend's husband steals her Burberry scarf to give to his mistress.

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Two women named Brooke and Vanessa decided to do something nice for their friend Heather after her cheating schmuck of a husband left her for his mistress. Joe, Heather's husband of 20 years and the father of their eight children, walked out on them after his side piece became pregnant. And just to make it sting all the worse, he stole Heather's prize possession: her Burberry scarf. That's when Brooke and Vanessa, knowing Heather wouldn't replace the scarf herself, started a gofundme page to buy her a new one.

Goons like him don't deserve a face.

Brooke and Vanessa asked the internet to help raise $500 so they could replace the scarf. They even included a delightfully angry, foul-mouthed sales pitch.

We are Brooke and Vanessa. We are friends of Heather (the wife). We are pissed off about how our friend Heather has been screwed over by her WASband, Joe.

Joe and Heather had been together for about 20 years and have 8 kids together, too many dogs to count and a few other random pets (a pig, fish, some cats - it's like a domesticated zoo. )

Heather spent those years at home raising her wild, wonderful herd of offspring while Joe was out sowing his wild oats with a neighborhood tart.

His departure from the family home was less than graceful as it was accompanied by the discovery of said tart being pregnant.

Fast forward about a year. Heather is moving on. Got a tattoo, got herself a great job, another kid has graduated high school and she might even be able to finally take a proper trip to Mexico next year to help celebrate Vanessa's 40th.

Here's the thing. Heather was the quintessential stay at home mom, complete with all the necessary sacrifices that go along with that. Raising 8 kids is expensive and Heather's a pretty low-key chick who doesn't fuss over all that fancy shit that some women do. Except for her one treasured designer item - a Burberry scarf. She shared that scarf with her daughters freely. They wore it because they took good care of it. Then it disappeared.

Turns out Joe - the WASband- gave it to his mistress.

FUCKER!

Let's replace that for Heather. She'll never buy it for herself. Ok? Ok.

The scarf retails for about $400CAD. We'll have it shipped to us in Canada so we can add a few tidbits for Heather because we love her and this shit is fun. Then we'll ship it to her so she can rock that motherfuckin' scarf like the boss that she is.

Ready? Yeah, you are.

Of course, after reading that, nobody could resist. The gofundme campaign reached its goal within a day of being posted. People from around the world donated, including messages of support that are also extremely fun to read.

After the campaign went viral, Brooke and Vanessa released a statement to respond to both the positive and negative feedback.

Hi everyone and thank you so much for all the hilarious, supportive comments and donations. We've definitely reached and surpassed our goal and are truly blown away by everyone pitching in to make this woman's life just a little brighter.
We've learned that our fundraiser has gone viral - Redbook and The Toronto Sun have both covered this crazy event (just one in a long ass list of crazy - Seriously, we can't make this shit up!)
As for the folks who want to piss in our cornflakes by leaving nasty comments, didn't your mama teach you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?! I get that there are other fundraisers out there and other folks have needs different and even greater than this, however each of us has the choice to put our money wherever we wish. There's enough hate and nasty in the world and this is an act of love. Full stop.
So if you think this fundraiser is distasteful or shallow, you're entitled to that opinion but I know one thing for sure; opinions are like assholes and everybody's got one. If you don't want to contribute, don't.
to the rest of you, I love you all. The fellas and the ladies, y'all are my favourite! xoxo
Vanessa and Brooke

They also explained what they're going to do with the extra money.

Oh yeah, so since we're WAY past the goal for the scarf, we're going to put the extra toward Heather's airfare for Mexico in the spring so she can help me (Vanessa) celebrate my 40th and my own divorce being finalized. We'll post photos :)

Maybe if the campaign raises enough money, they can pay a film crew to turn that vacation into the most empowering documentary of all time. Let's make it happen. Donate now.

Netflix's new update allows you to binge-watch offline.

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Netflix just released an update that makes it possible to download your favorite shows and movies directly to your electronic devices so you can binge-watch without being tethered to wifi. That's right, now you can watch Netflix while on an airplane! On top of a mountain! While at your Grandma's house that still uses a landline as the only way to connect with the outside world! Hooray!

Now you can do this on the subway or on a road trip or at the DMV or—

Netflix users (and all the moochers who use your password) will now be allowed to download content from the website directly to their electric device with iOS 8.0 or later or Android 4.4.2 or later—just make sure your Netflix app is updated. The service is only compatible with phones and tablets—not computers.

Best of all, the service comes at no extra cost to members.

Yay, we will never look up from our phones ever again!!!!!

Netflix is working on making more programs downloadable, but for now, some fan favs such as Orange is the New Black, The Crown and Stranger Things are already available for download.

This is how you do it:

First, update the app. When you reopen it after the update is complete, you should be greeted with this large and obnoxious image.

Click through to "Find Something To Download" and you will be presented with a veritable cornucopia of downloadable entertainment options.

DISCLAIMER: I DID NOT WATCH "CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS." This is why you never lend your password to your mom folks.

Yes, I did watch both "The Crown" and "Sneakerheadz" because I am well-rounded af and not sorry about it.

Click your preferred content and you will see a list of episodes with the download symbol. Click the symbol next and you have successfully downloaded something off of Netflix.

Alright, get to downloading and becoming a recluse in places other than your own home! See ya never.

Mom completely freaks out over her eighth grader's R-rated playlist.

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When Liv Lutz's mom sat down at the family computer to do some Christmas shopping, she discovered her eighth grader's Spotify playlist and freaked the f**k out (sorry for saying the f-word, ma'am, I just couldn't help it. It's the music!)

The result is a modern cinematic masterpiece, a remake of the remake of Footloose, where the mom even confronts her son to say, "this music is affecting your brain, it's turning you into a psychotic person!"

She was very scandalized.

Come for the freak out, stay for the perfect pan to Jesus.

It ain't easy for parents—who grew up with '80s rock about smoking pot and sexing—to listen to their kids' rap songs that have smoking pot and sexing.

Miley Cyrus and her godmother Dolly Parton teamed up to sing 'Jolene' on 'The Voice.'

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The legendary Dolly Parton was the guest on Tuesday night's episode of The Voice, where she thrilled the audience (there and at home) by performing her hit song "Jolene" along with Voice coach/pop superstar Miley Cyrus and Texas a cappella group Pentatonix.

Parton's appearance was part of her promotion of her NBC movie, Christmas of Many Colors. Also, fun fact: Dolly Parton is Miley Cyrus' godmother!

Hillary Clinton's kind words made Katy Perry cry tears of friendship.

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It's no secret that Katy Perry and Hillary Clinton are pretty much BFFs. Perry was one of Clinton's biggest celebrity advocates during her presidential campaign, and it seems that the feelings of admiration are mutual.

Clinton made an appearance at the UNICEF Snowflake Ball Tuesday night, where she presented Perry with the Audrey Hepburn Humanitarian Award.

"On a personal level, I cannot tell you how delighted I am to be here to help celebrate a global megastar, a social media queen with the most Twitter followers in the world — although she’s getting some competition — and someone whose powerful voice and creative lyrics remind us when you get knocked down to get back up," Clinton told the crowd while introducing Perry.

So Hillary definitely listens to "Firework" while she's on the elliptical. Do you think she ever feels like a plastic bag?

And her praise for Katy didn't end there. Clinton continued:

I have seen Katy’s commitment to the causes she believes in firsthand. I’ve gotten to spend time with her and I know how deeply she cares about making our world a better place. She is serious about understanding the complex problems we face and pulling people together to solve them. We need champions like Katy now more than ever: her passion, her energy, and, yes, her voice, louder than a lion.

And then, of course, Perry did what we all do when our besties say something incredibly sweet about us: she cried.

"Does anyone have a tissue?" she asked when she got on stage.

Perry had some nice words for Clinton as well. "“Hillary Clinton has lit a voice inside of me, and that light will never go out," Perry said in her speech. "It will continue to get brighter and brighter.”

So this means Hill-dawg will be making an appearance in Katy's next music video. Right?!

Some weirdos pranked a police camera into discovering Sasquatch, and the cops loved it.

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In Gardner, Kansas, the police set up a trail camera to try to verify reports of a mountain lion prowling around a public park.

The camera didn't pick up a mountain lion, but it did find a terrifying gorilla, a granny walking around with a machete, and a man in a gas mask staring ominously into the camera.

In other words, silly prankstas.

"We would like to sincerely thank the persons responsible as it made our day," wrote the Gardner Police Department on Facebook after reviewing the camera footage.

"Thank you to the citizens who noticed the cameras. Your effort and sense of humor are greatly appreciated."

The police don't seem too concerned about a hungry mountain lion bursting in to bust up the pics, so it seems safe to say good job, you wacky Jayhawks.

Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that the police have assumed this is a prank, when really it's just the freakiest park on the planet.

Is Gardner, Kansas actually a hotbed for cross-country pig monsters?

Probably.


Enjoy drunk Lin-Manuel Miranda telling the story of Hamilton's sex scandal until you can afford to see the musical.

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Tuesday night onDrunk History, Hamilton creatorLin-Manuel Miranda told the story of how a bastard orphan son of a whore and a Scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence in squalor grows up to be a hero and a scholar.

One of America's foremost historians, Miranda raised a glass to share the quintessential American tale to people who couldn't score tickets to the musical, as well as Mike Pences who wanted to revisit the story from the comfort of their own homes.

Starring Alia Shawkat and her magnificent freckles as Alexander Hamilton and her TV uncle Tony Hale as James Monroe, theArrested Development crossover episode makes it almost (almost!) as good as seeing Hamilton IRL.

The full episode is on the Comedy Central app, but in the meantime, enjoy the story of The Reynolds Pamphlet. If the Bluth family wasn't sufficiently sexy, turn up the heat with "Say No To This."

Day dreaming.

Woman finds husband's Tinder profile, makes slight adjustment to his bio.

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Everyone knows there are sleazy dudes on Tinder, but when the dudes are confessing it themselves, something must be up. Take this guy Mike's profile. It turns out his wife did some snooping on his phone, and found his Tinder app. But rather than doing something obvious like deleting it or whooping his ass, she decided to be sneaky. She just rewrote his profile to be a bit more forthcoming.

The profile reads:

Hey my name is mike I'm married with two kids. I have a tiny dick that is sti infested. My wife found my profile if you can't tell and I don't know yet that she's talking on the phone right now with one of my girls and is leaving me. I'm a piece of shit who doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone but myself I have been talking and cheating so long don't be sad if I don't remember your name because I send the same generic shit to all you girls. Feel free to blow me up with hate mail.

The brilliance of this revenge is that nobody checks their own profile. Mike would have no idea what was going on until he started getting weird messages from his matches (or they stopped responding to him entirely).

An image of Mike's Tinder bio was uploaded to Reddit, where it blew up, garnering more than 6,600 upvotes. The commenters were all too happy to clown on this cheating fool.

When will married men learn to stay off Tinder? Never? Yeah, it's probably never.

Amanda Seyfried (a.k.a. Karen from 'Mean Girls') is expecting her first child.

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Amanda Seyfried is having a baby! The 30-year-old actress (who will forever be Karen from Mean Girlsin my heart) is expecting her first child with her fiancé Tomas Sadoski.

Seyfried, who is the face of Givenchy's newest fragrance, was at the fashion house's event on Tuesday, where she showed off her (still very tiny) baby bump. Her publicist Evelyn Karamanos confirmed to USA Today that Seyfried is indeed pregnant.

It shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that Seyfried is expecting. The actress said in an interview with Marie Claire U.K. last year that she was starting to think about having kids.

"I need to get on it…I want a child. Badly. I want to be a mother, badly," she said. That's what I feel. I've been feeling it for like, two years. I'm not ready but nobody's ready. It changes everything…so how can you ever be ready for that?"

Well, hopefully she's ready now. Congrats to Amanda and Tomas! May your child grow up to be much smarter than Karen Smith.

5-year-old gets mom in trouble when she won't stop laughing at teacher's hilarious name.

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This is a story about a primary school teacher in London. It starts fun, but then gets kind of melodramatic. No matter what, it's entirely worth it for the name of the teacher: Miss Butt. An elementary school teacher named Miss Butt. What could go wrong?

Miss Butt (haha) teaches five-year-olds, and some of them, like the daughter of one woman named Annalise Terumalai, are human—and so they find her name hilarious.

At one parent-teacher meeting, Ms. Terumalai told the renowned Miss Butt that her daughter couldn't stop giggling at her hilarious name. According to Ms. Terumalai, Miss Butt took that news in stride, as one does. Her name's Miss Butt, after all—she's dealt with this before.

Here's where the tale goes from a fun storyline straight out of the early seasons of Boy Meets World to a dramatic storyline straight out of the later, terrible seasons of Boy Meets World.

While Ms. Butt seemed totally cool about her conversation with Ms. Terumalai, she apparently complained to her superiors about about it later. That led to school administrators requesting a meeting to let the mom know she was out of line.

The East London and West Essex Guardian quotes Ms. Terumalai, who defended herself: "I wasn't making fun of her name at all [and] I wasn't happy about being reported."

After the school's meeting with the mom, she said she "felt intimidated" and that "they made me feel like I was in the wrong."

In the wrong? Maybe. Who can say? The only certain thing here is that the name "Miss Butt" is legendary.

Sometimes the world's so bleak, you can't even enjoy the name "Miss Butt" without it turning into a whole thing. Now, Ms. Terumalai is considering whether to transfer her daughter to a new school, thanks to the "disruption to her learning" caused by this whole parent-teacher drama.

But don't let it get you down. Just remember that out there in the world there is a Miss Butt, or a Ms. Butt, and probably a Mrs. Butt, and probably also a Mr. Butt.

And one day, it's entirely possible that someone will stand on a podium—holding an Emmy award in one hand and pumping a fist with the other— grin big and proclaim with tears in their eyes, "This is for my teacher, who always believed in me. This is for Ms. Butt."

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