Miss me yet? (via Stockton PD)

Jeremy Meeks, remember him? The mugshot so hot he turned ladies into thots?

Meeks, world's hottest criminal, has just signed a contract to become world's hottest criminal model.

According to TMZ's report, Blaze Models has signed Meeks to a $30,000 modeling contract, which is just a little shy of the $1.1million bail placed on him to get out of the clink.

His representative, former porn actress Gina Rodriguez, who also handles reputable clients such as tan mom and octomom, is working on reducing the bail so Meeks can start making a better life for himself, his family, and the thousands of women desperate to see his tattoos peeking out of a designer suit. 

Yeah, like that. (via)

Even more complicated, Rodriguez is pushing our stud's modeling career and reality TV stardom at her own peril, and this time Meeks is not the guilty party. Sfist reports that Rodriguez claims to have been receiving threatening phone calls since agreeing to represent the hot con. The LA Sherriff's department is going to handle the threats, which seems like a waste. Rodriguez should be fielding those calls herself, maybe she will pick up a new client; kill two birds with one killer. 

Of course, all of these deals are moot until Meeks regains his freedom. Here's hoping he gets out in time to take advantage of all these opportunities, because cuffs are dangerously close to going out of style.

(by Myka Fox)

Argentina: 1. Switzerland: neutral.

Near perfect "Perfect."

There are almost as many celebrity impressionists as there are celebrities, and most of them are crap. Not this one. The voices in the song "Perfect" by Rob Cantor along with Andrew Horowitz are so good that you'll go from thinking "Randy Newman? Who cares? Kermit the Frog? Over it!" to saying to yourself,  "Okay, that's a great Bono... Ha! Steve Buscemi! Whoa, Billy Holiday? Are you kidding me? This is a trick, right? My mind is so blown I don't know what's real anymore. Is Rob Cantor a wizard, or did someone spike my Chipotle burrito with peyote? I'm losing my mind, man!"

Okay, maybe that's a stretch. But he's ridiculously good. Even Britney Spears doesn't do Britney that well (Seriously, I'm pretty sure she sings along to a tape of Rob in her Vegas show). He even throws in an instrumental solo to mix things up.

As someone doing a terrible Johnny Carson impression might say, "good stuff."

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Like a wet, canine Prometheus.

I don't care how many boardwalks, beach parties, pool parties, roller coasters or outdoor concerts you've hit up since the start of June, this dog is winning summer 2014. This dog embodies everything about fun summer times that I ever learned from watching commercials indoors on vacation. Not only that, but you get to watch a creature get its mind blown in real time as this Boxer realizes that it, and not its human, has real control over its environment. Granted, that control only lets the Boxer do one thing, but damn if she isn't going to do it over and over again, just for fun.

This was posted to YouTube by possum007, whose upload history indicates that he or she is a big nature lover (despite there being a number of vertical videos on the videos page, which we all know are sins against creation itself), with the description "Vicky's beautiful girl pup loves playing with her new water fountain," followed by links to the fountain on Amazon and eBay. So, as with everything truly heartwarming on the Internet, sometimes you have to trust that happiness-inducing content is real when you know it might not be.

(by Johnny McNulty)

If dissents could kill... (via Getty)

Have you read Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's scathing dissent opinion for SCOTUS's disastrously stupid Burwell v. Hobby Lobby decision? If not, I don't blame you. Reading is for eggheads who probably don't need to worry about affordable contraceptives in the first place, am I right? (High five!) 

Plus, this guy Jonathan Mann—who's been recording a song a day, every day, for the past 2,007 days (five and a half years to you and me)—took the text of her dissent and adapted it into this incensed folk protest song, which I strongly believe will be remembered as the song of our generation of the day:

Point of order: The phrase "slut shaming geezers" is not actually in the text of Ginsburg’s dissenting opinion. Though, that's clearly an oversight on her part. I'll allow it.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Andre "Stitched On" Johnson.

As if his junk hasn't already been through enough, the rapper famous for cutting off his penis and jumping off a balcony while high on PCP may be making a porno. Andre Johnson, who raps under the name Christ Bearer with the group Northstar, claims that his penis has risen from the dead. And even though most folks would be more than happy to take him at his word, Johnson seems determined to prove it by documenting a sex act with an equally desperate skank from the Valley in need of a couple grand.

TMZ caught up with Johnson outside of his barber shop in Long Beach, which immediately makes the fact that there are people willing to sit next to this guy while he holds scissors the craziest part of the entire story. What do the words "just a trim" mean to a guy who cut off his own cock and balls? Regardless, when asked if his junk still brought the funk, the rapper often referred to as being "affiliated with the Wu-Tang Clan" (even if they've been less enthusiastic about the partnership) put it this way: “Does it work? Can Chris Brown dance? Can Kanye West rant? Can Jay Z fight off a trick?”

That would be yes, yes, and yes (with a little help). Johnson then made a plea to Vivid Video to make him the next John Wayne Bobbit and put his scarred dick in show business.

TMZ claims they spoke with Vivid Video's Steve Hirsch, who says he's interested. So... including Johnson, that makes a total of two people. Who else wants to see the most stitched penis in history in action? Can there possibly be a market for scarred penis porn? Okay, yeah, that's a stupid question. Of course there is. And Andre Johnson is about to become the biggest name in the stitched-dick, PCP-smoking, suicidal celebrity porn game.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

by Dan Abromowitz

Yesterday the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that the Hobby Lobby corporation was not obligated under the Affordable Care Act to cover contraceptives such as IUDs or birth control for their employees. What those outraged by the decision don't seem to realize, though, is that a full range of DIY contraceptive devices are readily available in any Hobby Lobby location to any employee with the know-how to make them work, and at bargain prices to boot. Here's just a sampling:

Baby Plaster Casting Kit

What could be more powerful for preventing a baby than a kit meant to carve that baby into history's flesh for all time? After all, the strength of any magic rests in the magnitude of its defiance of God and fate, and contraception is definitely magic. With the included make-a-mold casting plaster and molding bag, you'll have no trouble creating an impenetrable plaster vulval mold to seal off your reproductive nook until your wedding night.

.

Blue, Green, & Brown Colored Pupil Wiggle Eyes

The penetrating gaze of these paste-on wiggle eyes stops penetration in its tracks! Slap a couple dozen pretty peepers around your fertile crescent to make any too-enterprising suitor shout "Jeepers Creepers!" as he finds himself staring down a fucking nightmare.

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Mushroom Soft Secret Yarn

Swaddle his soft secret mushroom in a tightly-crocheted koozie to stanch worrisome emissions right at the source! Latex is so impersonal, but nothing says "I (would like to make inconsequential) love (to) you" like a hand-stitched condom. Plus, this gross old-bagel color could work with any number of races and skin tones, if you squint some. There's absolutely no way of knowing if a knit condom will work 'til you try it!

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Celebration Shimmer Lavender Pearls Candy

The body's susceptibility to the effects of placebo medication is nothing short of astonishing. Sure, these are clearly labeled as candy, but maybe your stupid body thinks they're progestin. Look, you have no right to get angry with me; I'm actually trying to provide solutions here, and all you're doing is throwing up negativity. Christ, you're hormonal today.

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14" American Flag on Cross

Aw, yeah. Aw, shit, yeah. If hanging one of these bad boys over your gal gulch don't put the fear of God and his boy Christ Jesus in any sperm who come 'round stunting like they're Dale goddamn Earnhardt goddamn Jr., you might as well roll yourself up in an Oriental rug and ship yourself to Thailand, where Faith is just a hooker's name. It's like, did you not notice the other, smaller cross, right there on the big one?

Martha Stewart Bird Decorative Boxes

Maybe instead of a lady you could blast your gunk into this bird, this bird hand-hewn by Martha Stewart to hold your gunk. put your'e. Gunk in th bbird :))

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Purple Ice Cream For Jesus Onesie

"I scream, you scream, we all scream for adorable ways to share our faith!" says the product description, but the limp copy can't even begin to evoke the harmonized howls of erotic ecstasy you and your partner will share as you hammer away at each other, safe in the knowledge that this onesie, rolled into a tight knot of prophylactic protection and jammed up a uterus, will whisk any stray dribbles of "ice cream" away to Jesus Christ himself. I think! I'm not a doctor, I'm just Daniel!

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Batter Baby / Batter Daddy

The Batter Baby is a little plastic cupcake-shaped plank for making cupcakes two different colors, but it's also a little plastic cupcake-shaped plank for not getting pregnant and looking adorable doing it. The way it works is, it's a plastic plank. If you're worried about a splatter zone (I'm looking at you, Shamu!), there's the Batter Daddy, a big plastic plank for making cakes two different colors. It works along the similar principle of being a big plastic plank. Perfect for those who are very dumb.

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Balance Bird

Yeah, good luck getting each other off when this bird is in play. It can balance on almost anything. How much can you balance on? You probably can't even balance your checkbook! Why would you think you deserve to make love when you can't even muster a shred of fiscal responsibility?! You're a burden on your partner and your family! A waste of space! Feel that negativity? That's what the bird's for. Just watch the bird and let it all fade away. Ah... serenity.

(Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter)

Feeling a little down after that devastating loss to a country one three-hundredth our size? In times like these, it's therapeutic to share our sense of loss with as many people as possible. Friends, family, families of multiple Academy-Award-winning Hollywood icons. Whoever's available:

Yes, this is actually the family of Tom Hanks taking part in the collective misery of that the U.S.-Belgium game right along with all of us norms, who likely didn't watch it in front of what's probably a $10,000 authentic Navajo wall hanging.

If you're keeping track of Hanks spawns at home, that his oldest son, Colin (whom you might recognize from Dexter and Fargo) at the far left, next to his youngest, Truman. Then there's Dad, and beside him, his daughter-in-law, Samantha Bryant. Then his daughter Elizabeth and his wife and fellow-actor Rita Wilson. (Another son, Chester, wasn't there. Probably because soccer is for nerdy clowns.)

The truly tragic aspect of this whole ordeal is that the Hanks family had to experience this major national disappointment with such a sad assortment of snacks. Is that a vegetable hummus plate? Notice how it's practically untouched? Yeah.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Guess I can add "bad neighborliness" to all the reasons to be ashamed of myself.(Via) 

As the earth's population continues to grow, humans are forced to live in ever closer proximity to each other, pissing each other off in new and disgusting ways. The neighbor note is the most effective medium to alert your neighbors to the myriad ways in which their way of life is destroying yours. So if you're going to leave one yourself and want to make sure your neighbors pay heed, take a cue from these authors and unload on that piece of paper with both barrels.

It's nice to see neighbors encouraging each other's artistic endeavors. (Via)

Fight fire with fire. Buy more cars. Buy so many cars they'll bow to you! (Via)

Aw, both neighbors like that movie about the people who make homemade explosives! (Via)

Neighbor of the year? Kind of braggy about the joke-telling though. (Via)

Dumb neighbor. Dogs can't read signs. (VIa)

Updated 6/1/14:

Dude, keep making noise as long as you keep delivering the guilt cookies. (Via)

Is this guy hoping those hashtags might start to spread?#yesallgirlbye(Via)

I'm sure they'd be cool with it if you put on some gloves first.(Via)

If you're going to leave a note, make sure you cover all your bases.

Have you heard the bad news?(Via)

Oh damn! Forget it. I am so not hard enough. (Via)

Updated 5/1/14:

Looks like we're gonna have a problem here. (Via)

"Stranger danger" has no effect on the inebriated and genitally exposed. (Via)

Do your children know you just made a sign with dog shit? (Via)

Cats can't read, but you might not be too good at that either so you're even. (Via)

#Myspot? Dude, get off Twitter. You can't hashtag real life. (Via)

If "Rimming" scores some cupcakes, #5 might be game.(Via)

Updated 4/1/14:

20G is the dictionary definition of "being chill." (Via)

That kitty seems kind of into it, though. Mixed messages! (Via)

The wording makes it really sound like this guy just found his life's mission. (Via)

For this rooster, we are all victims too. (Via)

I'm with the note-writer. Orgy-havers should keep it a secret from those who weren't invited. (Via)

So many valid points made in such a brief correspondence. (Via)

Updated 3/2/14:

It did seem odd that they kept screaming "Love." (Via)

But the dogs are just shouting, "Why don't you love us?!" (Via)

You're taking it too literally. UPS feels like "being home" is a state of mind, man. (Via)

 
What if you trained the dog to poop on junk mail? (Via)

This guy could help the sleepless neighbor above. (VIa)

It's a scary day when you find out your building has not one but two "Bronys." (Via)

Updated 2/3/14:

Oh damn. That guy had best never wave back. (Via)

Believe it or not, the guy who wrote this says his intended meaning was,
"Please, Satan, leave me alone." Oops.(Via)

I bet Big booty bitches are just fine with the volume. (Via)

Seriously. And the "Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh" crap gets old real fast. (Via)

Less quiet? So, louder, and maybe with some narration so the kid gets it?(Via)

Say what you want about our kid, but how DARE you say we have no talent! (Via)

Updated 1/1/14:

Maybe they named her after a grandmother? (Via)

If you can't say something nice about someone, say it with the wifi.(Via)

Just seems like a really chill, helpful neighbor who loves life and fun. (Via)

The laundry room is the land of broken promises. (Via)

The "we're watching you" makes it seem like you're into it.(Via)

But I'm looking for a hot tub buddy with "benefits."(Via)

Updated 12/3/13:

You fear intimacy. Other people's really loud intimacy.

Wow! Imagine how bad the response would have been if they hadn't added the "Thanks."

If the cranking and wanking's too loud, you're too...tasteful musically. (Via)

Maybe building inspectors need to pay more attention to wall thickness.

The more you f**k with her trash, the more she'll love you. That's just Steph!

Sure they probably didn't see it. Which makes this one the most passive-aggressive of all!!!
 

Updated 11/5/13:

His partner must have been worried sick.

Translation: Dear neighbors, when you're forced to do my laundry for me, do it right!

Roided out rat pee really gives a watermelon that extra crispness.

It told us to tell the ficus it always loved it.

Live in darkness, or feed me Whoppers. You make the call.

Coolest neighbor ever.

Updated 10/8/13:

Some men can only communicate in penis drawings. Especially when in a bathroom stall.

It would be worth it. That porch is irresistable.

Grammar Nazis have no business in elevator maintenance.

You should get a stethoscope and tape the listening end to the wall. It just works.

Holy crap. Do you live next to Ned Flanders?

Thus explaining the headline in the following morning's paper, "Man Killed By Whale In Apartment."

Updated 9/6/13:

It's easier than you think to drown in a paddling pool. If you drink enough.

In other words, we watch you through your windows and think you're hot!

"Naber?" Maybe he only heard people refer to "the neighborhood" as "the nabe?"

The big one is not to be trusted.

But you're so photogenic!

On the contrary, turn it up!!! From 402 —

Updated 8/7/13:

I sing what's in my heart. And everything in my heart is pure horror.

Worst thing is, it was blocked by a bag of cow's arseholes.

We didn't feel condescended to until you gave us the layman's definition of "urinate."

Or maybe your neighbor delivered it to you. Just in case you're interested...it's all clean.

That's nothing. Wait until they hook up with the singer from above.

Not a dry eye in the garage.

Updated 7/8/13:

Have some empathy for your jealous neighbors who long for human touch. Pipe down.

Lesson learned. Neighbors prefer to be concussed from above by full cans of beer.

It's been two years! Get over it. She's gone!

Don't test them. That grandson is a big fan of gravy fries.

Those two are going to have to get together for a movie night.

We thought our childhood issues just made us sleep with scary men. They make us litter too?

Updated 6/10/13:

That noise is whatever you want it to be, Kim.

And? What'd you think?

Well this sign is far more entertaining decoration, so silver lining?

There may be a vacancy in this building, as soon as Nick and his python are evicted.

Nah, he's sad inside too. He brings everybody down.

A truly polite marauder would have gone in and straightened things up a bit.

Updated 5/7/13:

Guess the tenant in #9 has no choice but to abandon their mail and move.

Or better yet, break up in your car. Make sure to play a sad song on the radio.

PPS: You can leave the souvenirs you bought me on my porch. Quietly!

What if all of his houseguests were hearing-impaired male siblings?

They scream across the studio to pretend it's bigger.

Good God. Just...good God!

But next time was going to be handcuffs and knee socks day. Ball gag is a week from now.

Updated 4/8/13:

Will this lion be in attendance? Because he seems nice.

Don't hit the H&R Block until after tax time. People need those returns, dammit. Have a heart.

Sweet! Free sex counseling! Why does anger turn us on so much?

Probably a lot of write-in answers on that one.

Of course if you chooe to post this on the internet, that's your decision.

You should thank them. Free fence!

Updated 3/12/13:

"Dude, what are these idiots smoking? We don't have a skunk. Oh."

5:30 AM is a small time. A very small time with NO ROOM FOR YOUR NOISE!!!
 

Although experts refute it, this photo of the Sock Ness Monster continues to intrigue.
 

"We left a note and tried to summon you with human sacrifice, but I guess you were busy."
 

The members of Apt. 93 have the best handwriting in this argument in Manchester, UK.
 

This girl has never made a decision that had any kind of odor in her life.

Updated 2/4/12:

Congratulations, Apt 2B. You're the most understanding neighbors on the planet.

No offense to Apt. 2B, but Apt. 3F is candidate for sainthood.

What ever happened to "Beware of Dog?"

He also has one that reads "Thank you for parking in front of my driveway. I hope you die."

We hope they responded with, "To the stupid shithead next door. You're welcome."

If that's what was left untouched, what on earth was redacted?

It's the fun new game, Secret Prizes For Poop! You'll see what's coming to you!!

Updated 11/29/12:

Wow, I can't believe those kids dropped out of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome university.

However, this does nothing to stop salespeople, landlords, or Antichristmas carollers.
 

She always moans when people park right in her spot.
 

"Did you see those assholes who just moved in?" "Yeah, they were very honest about it."
 

You don't get to be "Boss Lady of #75" without knowing how to do some serious italic yelling.
 

"Are you offering me your cat for free HBO? Because I can do that."

Posted 11/01/12:

This is called "The Direct Approach."
 

Now we're worried there are CDs of us crying being circulated by our neighbors.
 

The hardware store didn't have any "Owner Hates His Life" signs.
 

German? Those must have been some messy sexy times.
 

Can't wait until the next issue of "Noise Complaint Heroines" hits out comic book shop.
 

If someone being tortured shouts "Oh God yes," they're being tortured wrong.
 

He should be saying thank you. Forced nudity turned him into a real go-getter.

Updated 10/3/12:

From now on, they'll be sure and only whisper conspiratorially about boners.

They tried a Gangnam Style sign but it's hard to make a noise complaint while galloping.

Wait for the ransom request and don't involve the police or the tomato is ketchup.

Then why'd you install the cameras, perv?

They were up for a Macarthur Genius award but a Biggest Cunts award will do.

Updated 9/5/12:

Updated 7/30/12:

Updated 6/18/12:

There is absolutely nothing this person will not complain about.

Updated 5/21/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 4/30/12:

Updated 4/10/12:

Updated 3/20/12:

"CD's Covered In Cat Piss. You Wanna Salvage Them? Be My Guest."
"Actually, The Cat Is Pretty On Target With The State Of The Music Industry Right Now. Funny That."

Updated 3/1/12:

Updated 2/16/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 1/24/11:

Updated 1/4/11:

Updated: 12/5/11

Go for the plunge!

Good morning, squirrels! There's a man out in merry old England with a whole bunch of nuts just for you, but you gotta work for it.  

Steve Barley has spent many hours erecting elaborate assault courses for the rodents of the trees. It reminds me of something I'd do as a kid, only much better, and instead of waiting around all day only to find out that squirrels don't really hang out in Scottsdale, Arizona, this course gets some immediate squirrel action. 

If all this video captured was squirrels running obstacle courses, it would be enough, but Barley's color commentary really adds that special British-dude-delivering-color-commentary-on-a-squirrel-obstacle-course element that so many squirrel obstacle course videos lack. 

Enjoy, and don't forget to use your tail. You've done it before.

... and cue the royalty-free hard rock!

(by Myka Fox)

No #WorldCup matches today, so I'm going to a bar to watch The Price Is Right... #Plinko