That shirt. (via KXLY)

Mike Boyer, the first man to legally buy weed in Spokane, Washington on Tuesday, became famous on Wednesday for becoming the first man to get fired for legally buying weed. 

According to an interview with KXLY, Boyer had just lit fire to the first batch of legally purchased Farmer J's Sour Kush when he received this text message from his staffing agency, True Blue:

Terminated. Buzzkill. (via KXLY)

Boyer's lungs were all but full when the message came in; he failed his test and lost his job. Bonus points for optimism, though.

Despite being fired, Boyer was so proud of his place in history and claimed, "I regret nothing."

Turns out, he doesn't need to. Today Newsweek reported that TrueBlue had a change of heart and gave Boyer his job back. 

From Newsweek:

“I’ll accept it and we’ll see where it goes from there,” he said. “The reason they said they gave me my job back was because their policy says you cannot be under the influence at work, which I was not, and since I officially had the day off, what I did on my time was my time. And they gave me my job back, and even gave me a day’s worth of pay that I missed.” 

Congratulations, Boyer! Here's to regretting nothing and just seeing where it goes. 

(by Myka Fox)

"I'm hesitant to pop my own hood." (via KOAT)

Santa Fe man Jackson Ault offered to help a woman after her car suddenly stopped on the road. When he opened the hood he found a 20lb python just chilling out on the engine. 

That's what you get for helping people. (via KOAT) 

"Looking right at me," Ault told KOAT. "Just flicked its little tongue, and I kinda freaked out a little bit."

So freaked that Ault narced on the snake and called the cops. 

Lt. Louis Carlos was thrilled to handle the reptile perp. 

Feelin' that warmth. (via KOAT)

"It was easy for me to just go in there and pick her up, " Carlos tells KOAT. "Hold on to her. Let her feel the warmth of my hands and my body."

Pretty steamy stuff.

Pythons are not indigenous to New Mexico, so animal control assumes the snake is someone's escaped pet that climbed onto the engine for some tropical heat. 

Until police find the owner, that snake will have to settle for Lt. Carlos' loving arms. 

(by Myka Fox)

Way on down south São Paulo town.

This has been a tough week for Brasil, but hopefully they can take some comfort in knowing that, thanks to this São Paulo street performer, they're currently dominating in the World when it comes to covering classic rock favorites Dire Straits.

"Sultans of Swing" is a famously difficult song to play on guitar, and this guy crushes it. While also doing a spot-on Mark Knopfler, with only a drum track behind him (if you don't count the girl sitting on the stairs taking notes the entire time as if she's writing an article for One-Man Cover Band magazine.

BONUS: While the performer is crushing "Sultans of Swing," the old man in the green shirt delivers a master class in frugality, listening for several minutes before finally rummaging through his bag for a few coins. As if he wanted to be sure the guy could pull off the guitar solo before he parted with his money.

He nailed it. And now the São Paulo street performer is world famous as the Brazilian Mark Knopfler.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"Place your hands in their locked and upright position!"

The guy recording this scene knew the announcement was coming soon. When his flight boarded in Neuquén, Argentina, the score of the World Cup semi-final game between Argentina and the Netherlands was tied at 0-0.  The match was going to be decided by penalty kicks while the passengers were thousands of feet in the air, which means the video could've easily wound up being called A Plane Full of the Saddest Argentinians Ever. Though, it's probably safe to say that if his team had lost, he might've decided against posting the video. Judging by his emotional response to the win, it's possible a loss would've driven him to destroy his phone all together.

Fortunately for him, both his team and his phone survived. When the pilot announces that Argentina has won and is headed to the World Cup finals against Germany, the entire plane goes nuts.

The only thing that could've made these passengers more excited is if the pilot also announced that he'd just ordered pizza for the entire plane.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

LeBron James is returning to Cleveland. Miami residents have popped their collars at half mast in mourning.

I'm also a trained Shakespearean actor.... ok... I'll do the girl voice again. 

Actor Mark Bittner, yesterday's "Girl Voice" viral celebrity, has made a "Return of Girl Voice" video. 

You'll notice that Matt never creates a character for the girl, just speaks as himself with an excited girl's voice. This time he explains in his girl voice how he specifically told his friend Ryan Clark to not put the original video on the Internet. 

Of course, now, everyone has seen it. 

Despite his initial hesitation, he's clearly loving the attention because he came back for a second dose. 

I want to see how he does other voices; he has dialects listed under the "Special Skills" section of his résumé. Strangely, "girl voice" isn't on there. 

(by Myka Fox)

1. LeBron James Is Taking His Talents Away From South Beach And Bringing Them Back To Cleveland Until That Gets Boring Too

LeBron James has announced that he's leaving the Miami Heat and going back to the Cleveland Cavaliers in a move that startled many with a sudden feeling of Deja Vu. Perhaps the Heat will let James hang onto his spot on the Heat and perhaps rent it out on Airbnb until he's absolutely sure about the move this time.

LeBron James is not totally abandoning Miami - he will still wish Wade & Bosh happy birthday on Facebook and like photos of their kids.

— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) July 11, 2014

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2. Attractive, Wild-Animal-Murdering Soccer Fan May Have Lost Her Modeling Contract Over The Murdering Wild Animals Thing.

Looks like being good looking isn't enough to have a modeling career. You also have to refrain from constantly kill wild animals. After Axelle Despiegelaere was spotted in the stands during the World Cup, her face went viral and L'Oreal quickly signed a modeling contract with her. The Internet wasn't about to let a new model get work without a background check, and someone found her facebook page was crawling with pics of her hunting big game.

Facebook took the pics down, and now it's being reported that L'Oreal is cutting ties with the bloodthirsty beauty. Hopefully, she's frozen enough lion meat to make it through the coming autumn and winter.

I do a lot of modeling. Mostly model planes and choo choo trains.

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) June 8, 2014

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3. Study: Even Lightweights Can Get Health Problems From Drinking

Some scientists who really don't even have a clue just how goddamn hard it is to make it through the week sometimes just announced that even cutting down on light drinking (one or two a day) is beneficial to cardiovascular health. The scientists did not use their science-y brains to explain how the hell we're supposed to make it through the holidays sober.

The only question that needs to be on a test for whether or not you drink too much is: "Are you taking a test about drinking too much?"

— Dan Kennedy (@DanKennedy_NYC) July 8, 2014

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4. Polar Vortex To Allow People To Take A Break From Complaining About The Heat So They Can Complain About The Cold For A Couple Days

That Polar Vortex thing that made this past winter reminiscent of that General Hospital plotline where Port Charles was about to be frozen over by the weather machine? It's back, and it's going to make our summer kind of...cool and pleasant for a couple days? Beginning Monday and Tuesday, areas that normally see super-hot temps could experience 20-30 degree drops, which marks the first time the effects of climate change will actually help fight climate change by making us all turn off our air conditioners for a while.

I miss the polar vortex.

— Ari Scott (@ariscott) June 18, 2014

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5. Derek Jeter Wants To Sell You His Underwear

Though they've been keeping his role as an investor under wraps, Derek Jeter is apparently in the business of wrapping men's rolls. It's come out that Jeter is part-owner of Frigo RevolutionWear, a high-end men's underwear brand that sells their briefs for around a hundred bucks. The underwear purportedly includes bullshit like a "soft-lock adjustment system" and a "patented pouch" which they refer to as the "Frigo zone." In other words, the MVP wants to help you with your VPL.

Derek Jeter will never retire from giving me a boner.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) February 12, 2014

(by Bob Powers. Dennis DiClaudio is off today.)

This has to be the modern address of Hansel and Gretel's cannibalistic witch. (via Imgur)

Redditor jamdav19 posted this terrifying address his dad found on a piece of mail today.

 "LIVING IN WOODS BEHIND WALMART"

This can't be a real address, can it? I mean, somebody actually typed that out. Somebody put a postage stamp on it. Somebody decided this was a fine way to describe a place of residence when it is actually more of a fine way to describe the last place a postman is seen alive. 

Our best clue in the mystery is the "LIVING" part. This is not just some random location "IN WOODS." No! Something exists! Maybe not a house, but whatever is there at the very least evolved from the primordial ooze (allegedly) and claimed a spot in the woods, behind a WALMART, as their own. 

Naturally, other redditors were all over it, Rap3DBac0N was quick on the spot and actually found the location. 

Thar she is, that tiny clearing behind the megastore.

That's it. That's where our unnamed beast is living. 

Great job, reddit. Your next task is to find Matt Foley's van down by the river. 

(by Myka Fox)

by Dan Abromowitz

In the last few days, there's been plenty of buzz about Zack "Danger" Brown, the kid from Ohio whose Kickstarter to make some potato salad has raised over $45,000, far outstripping his original goal of $10. What began as a good internet chuckle has snowballed out of control, gathering some serious online controversy in the process, with many declaring that Brown now has certain responsibilities in light of his potato salad fame. Some have demanded he donate his sudden windfall to charity and others insisting the money is his to keep. To my mind, though, when you get right down to it, there's only one conscionable choice: he's got to use his newfound fame and fortune to do something about the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine.

As rocket strikes intensify and civilian casualties mount on both sides, it's clear that things are bad as ever over there in the Middle East. And with the potato salad guy's sudden elevation to the public eye and a pool of resources at his disposal, it'd just be irresponsible for him not to at least try his hand at resolving one of the greatest human rights dilemmas of our day.

Now more than ever, we need the kind of practical optimism that turns $10 into $45,000, and the willingness to tackle new challenges, like cooking up a batch of homestyle potato salad for the very first time. This potato salad guy's fresh face and outsider status might be just what we need to put the peace process back on track. God knows we don't need another politician in the mix.

I'm not saying he's perfect for this role. Far from it. I know barely anything about this guy; all I know is that the situation can't continue as it has for the past half century. He claims "Danger" is his middle name, so he's clearly incredibly clever and creative, and in several morning news appearances he's stated that he's committed to doing the most good possible with the money. Why should we hold him to anything less than that? If he's not prepared to at least try to bring about a lasting cease fire and hammer out a two state solution, he shouldn't have launched a prank potato salad Kickstarter page in the first place.

I'm throwing the gauntlet. Zack-o, here's your chance to put everything you've got to the test. You've got funds to pay for a flight to Tel Aviv, obtain visas, get language training or hire interpreters, and enough left over to treat Israel and Hamas's top negotiators to succulent bowls of your famous potato salad. However, if you shirk your obligation to the embattled people of Gaza, you will be a new Cain on this earth, more scab than man, and you will be hounded to the end of your days no matter how far you run.

Now, just because I'm charging him here to fulfill his highest moral calling doesn't mean I believe Zack has to wade into the mire of Israel/Palestine. I think we'd all be just as satisfied if he brought hope and democracy to the Crimea, threw the yoke of oppression off the people of North Korea, brought back our girls from Boko Haram, or halted ISIS's relentless march towards Baghdad. Any one of those would totally cover him karmically. And if he wanted to pocket a little of the cash in the process for his efforts, well, that'd be just fine. :)

It was a little luck and a stroke of good fortune that set Zack on this crazy ride of his; now, with $45,000 in his pocket, it's time he took the wheel. After all, with a great side dish comes great responsibility! Now go fix the Middle East, you little shit.

(Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter)

That's a moray.

This video documenting a professional diver's unlikely friendship with a moray eel is so oddly heartwarming, I may have to stop eating sushi made with eel. At the very least, I'll ask the waiter if the fish happened to be from Indonesia and had a friend named Valerie.

That would be Valerie Taylor, who first met "Honey" the eel back in 1974 while diving near Banda Island, Indonesia. She began feeding the curious fish other fish and over time the two developed a bond. Valerie says that after a few years of regular visits, as soon as Honey spotted her diver pal, she would swim out of her cave to greet her, and the two would cuddle.

The footage was shot years ago, but was just recently posted to Youtube, where it caught the attention of animal lovers and fans of oddball friendships around the world.

Sure, a lot of us would act friendly towards anyone who regularly came by with fresh fish and rubbed the back of our necks, but considering that a moray eel is more likely to take a chunk of a human than cuddle with them, it's pretty cool.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Good thing it wasn't ET. (via)

The hunters have become the hunted. Or, at least, the trolled in wilderness of social media.

The hunting photo frenzy began last week when the Facebook page of a Texas teen cheerleader/trophy hunter went viral. Seems a lot of people were furious that a lot of other people liked the photos of her posing next to exotic, dead animals that she'd travelled to Africa to kill. Overnight she was divisively famous, with one weird perv so "worked up" he offered $100,000 for "nudes" and "dirt" on the girl.

The whole story took on the viral nuttiness that only the combination of "hot teen" and "dead animals" could produce. Which means that people began coming out of the woodwork to add their two cents, because it's what was trending at the moment and it beat doing whatever they were being paid to do at their jobs.

Which leads us to the photo (above) of Steven Spielberg posing next to a "dead" Triceratops. That was posted to Facebook by Jay Branscomb with the description "Disgraceful photo of recreational hunter happily posing next to a Triceratops he just slaughtered. Please share so the world can name and shame this despicable man."

That's pretty funny. Because we're dealing with Facebook, however, not everyone got the joke, which lead to even funnier comments from people who were outraged by the heartless brutality of Steven Spielberg. Which lead to even more people chiming in to goof on them, which ultimately lead to a lot of man-splaining, and clarif-emaling(?).

Twitter user Rebecca Rose was following along and put together her own "best of" collection while calling the action on her Twitter feed.

OK, WHATEVER KEEPS YOU SANE. pic.twitter.com/atkoFp3NSg

— Rebecca Rose (@AmericasBaby1) July 11, 2014

This is the greatest day of my Internet life. pic.twitter.com/9iXfRjQGSe

— Rebecca Rose (@AmericasBaby1) July 11, 2014

"Retart." pic.twitter.com/G5lTTWDRZ0

— Rebecca Rose (@AmericasBaby1) July 11, 2014

Here we go! "Slavory." pic.twitter.com/ub7jYTKLOs

— Rebecca Rose (@AmericasBaby1) July 11, 2014

Oh and of course there's racism. Couldn't have a Facebook comment thread without that. pic.twitter.com/BJFq9sg3mO

— Rebecca Rose (@AmericasBaby1) July 11, 2014

Don't worry everyone, this guy is here to clear things up. pic.twitter.com/UrHbnGy076

— Rebecca Rose (@AmericasBaby1) July 11, 2014

If you really don't feel like working and want to dig through the entire, mind-numbing, 6,000-plus comments yourself, you can go nuts here. Happy Friday!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

by Bob Powers

First of all, do not beat yourself up over the fact that you've been doing these things wrong. You're human, dammit! The beauty of humanity is in the flaws, the blemishes, the endless spiral of failure. You were just being you! Glorious, beautiful, completely incorrect you! 

Now let's get to all the stuff you've been doing wrong...

1. You’re doing it wrong: Murder 

You probably think guns are the right way to murder. Nope. Poison. Undetectable poison.

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2. You’re doing it wrong: Sex

Everyone grew up being told sex is supposed to happen in a field in Tuscany between a curious young adult on vacation with her parents and the Italian boy tutor her parents hired to teach her the language. WRONG!

7 steps to great sex that no one knows about yet until today.

Step One: Backrub train

Step Two: Everyone lies about how they feel about each other

Step Three: Get naked and trade compliments about each other’s fitness and physical eccentricities. “Weird finger, it makes you special.”

Step Four: Everybody into the bed(s).

Step Five: Rubbing. Some yelling.

Step Six: It’s over. Fill out the questionnaires.

Step Seven: Tell your siblings and teachers.

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3. You’re doing it wrong: Job Interviews

You probably go into a job interview and say...

But the real thing to do in a job interview is share a vulnerability that your potential boss can exploit:

Who wouldn’t hire you?

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4. You’re doing it wrong: Saying Goodbye To a Dying Parent

Don’t!

Settle old scores.

Ask who their favorite kid was.

Talk about upcoming movies you’re looking forward to seeing.

Do!

Let the conversation flow naturally.

Focus on the fun times.

Ask if there are any enemies they’d like you to exact vengeance upon after they’re gone.

Create an agreed-upon system of communication for them to send you a signal that everything’s okay in the afterlife. “If heaven’s cool, make a breeze blow my hat off my head.”

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5. You’re doing it wrong: Making Chateaubriand

Chateaubriand is so delicious, most people only make it for special occasions, like wedding anniversaries or after a really good day at the dog track. But if you’re already feeling good, you’re probably not even paying attention to the taste of that succulent center cut with its tangy white wine and shallot symphony of flavor. You’re wasting it!

The way to make Chateubriand is when everything is terrible, so the flavor can clash with the miserable shitstorm that is your life at that moment. Car break down? Make Chateubriand. Second Spouse leave you for your first spouse? Chateubriand time! On your way to an important meeting, did you slip and fall in a pothole full of rainwater and garbage? Take the rest of the day off and make some Chateubriand. It won’t just lift your mood, but you’ll also experience its flavor in the appropriate context: as a delicious flicker of light in a world of darkness.

6. You’re doing it wrong: Washing Dishes

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7. You’re doing it wrong: Building A Totem In Fealty To The Dark Lord Satan

You probably think you have to drink the goat’s blood after you’ve sprinkled some of it upon the runes in order for your soul to use the totem as a conduit between yourself and the dark world. Not true, and also, gross. 

If you simply mix the blood with a virgin’s tears, and you wear the mixture in an amulet close to your heart for one month, the bond is formed and His Eminent Darkness will gladly claim your soul for His keeping, duh.

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8. You’re doing it wrong: Sleeping All Day (Cats Only)

If you’re a cat, you probably think you should sleep all day. No, you should take breaks from sleeping to check for burglars. A growing number of burglaries happen during the day, when the house’s occupants are working, because burglars know if a house’s occupants have jobs to go to, the stuff inside the house is going to be pretty good because they can afford it. You’re their only hope against burglaries, cats (okay, dogs help sometimes). Wake up and hiss at anyone wearing a ski mask who smells devious.

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9. You’re doing it wrong: Fighting With A Lover

Lovers often keep their quarrels private, because they think it will bother others. Incorrect. You should always fight with your lover in public, preferably in the street, and in the rain.

It makes everyone listening feel good. Lovers in love who never fight will think, “We love better than they do.” Lovers in love who fight all the time will think, “See, all lovers do this. It’s not us. It’s just love.” Lonely people who aren’t in love will think, “I guess love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m going to stay in and watch every episode of Firefly on Amazon Prime again.” So many people feel a little better because you two flipped out at each other over something. Take it to the streets!

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10. You’re doing it wrong: Apprehending Bail Jumpers

Bounty hunters usually try and track down bail jumpers at the home of their significant other because bail jumpers get lonely. So the bounty hunter bursts in with guns drawn and lots of shouting. But bail jumpers are onto that scheme and they know to avoid their lover’s apartment. What to do?

You draw more flies with honey than vinegar. Find out what the bail jumper went to jail for, then place an ad offering that thing for free. If they stole a stereo, post “Free Stereo” on craigslist. If they got caught with drugs, the ad should read, “Free drugs. The good stuff.” If they were willing to go to jail for the thing, they’ll totally respond to an ad offering that thing for free. When they show up to the hotel room you told them to go to, cuff em!

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11. You’re doing it wrong: Blowing Out Birthday Candles.

Bet you usually blow out birthday candles like this: Make a wish, take a deep breath, then expel all that air slowly and steadily enough to get every candle on the cake.

Wrong!

The way to blow out birthday candles is to take that deep breath just like you do, then when you’re ready, let the air fly slowly and steadily, as you’re used to. The key is to leave off the make-a-wish part, because there is no order to life and the fact that you even exist is a completely random blip in a vast featureless void of nothing.

12. You’re doing it wrong: Getting Trapped In A Meat Locker With That Coworker At Your Restaurant Job Who You’re Attracted To, Just So You Can Huddle Together To Keep Warm Which Will Then Lead To Sex Or At Least Pre-Sex

The sitcoms lied to you. Getting trapped in a meat locker or refrigerated room is dangerous and should never be done, no matter how much you want to cuddle with that hot new guy on the wait staff who has a girlfriend but who admitted that they were on the outs. If once you’re in there he says he has to stay loyal to his girlfriend, you could both get hypothermia just so he can be true.

If you like him, be direct and let him know. Confidence is always sexier than dying in a room full of frozen beef!

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13. You’re doing it wrong: Insurance Fires

Business going downhill, so you’re thinking of starting a fire and making off with the insurance money, right? Who’s gonna know?

The fire inspector, that’s who. If it looks like it was intentional, he’ll know. That’s why you need to frame someone for it.

Pick an enemy. Someone who would have an interest in destroying your American dream of being a small business owner. After you light your business on fire, break into his house and leave matches and lighters and Blu Rays of the movie “Backdraft” all over his house. The police will know they got their guy, you’ll put someone you don’t like in jail for years, and you’ll still get that sweet insurance payout!

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14. You’re doing it wrong: Refusing To Reconcile With Shannon

It was so long ago. How many times does she have to apologize before you let her back into your life. Jesus, we’re here on this planet for such a short time, and we’re growing more and more detached from each other with every day. By going out of your way to maintain a distance from someone you really love, you’re just refusing happiness and choosing spite. Call her.

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15. You’re doing it wrong: Karate Chops

Sensei say never use Karate to solve a dispute. You learn Karate so you don’t have to use Karate.

Great. Thanks for charging me a couple grand for lessons in something I’m not supposed to use, Sensei.

Look, you learned how to fuck up dudes with your hands so you can fuck up dudes with your hands. Take those hands to the roughest bar in town and bump into a dude at the pool table while he’s trying to sink the 8-ball. He’ll take a swing, you’ll unleash the dragon. You paid for Karate school. Time to get your money’s worth.

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16. You’re doing it wrong: Smiling And/Or Frowning

Never let them see what's inside your heart. They'll use it to hurt you. Hide your feelings and they'll be yours forever.

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17. You’re doing it wrong: Thinking There's A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Do Things

Like we said at the start, imperfection is beautiful. Mistakes are how we learn to make better mistakes. The life you've lived and the way you lived it is who you are. If you find yourself at the end of your life remembering all the things you could have done differently, guess what?

You're doing it wrong.

"In case you didn't get my text."  (via)

I appreciate seeing letters like this because it makes me feel much better about never having gone to summer camp as a kid.

Redditor Foreveranemma submitted the letter with with the heading "My brother's camp requires the kids write a letter home after the first week." He didn't elaborate on why his brother would be so reluctant to write home that he'd have to be threatened with starvation, but it's possible the boy was so immersed in the wonder of nature's symphony that he didn't want to waste a single moment attempting to articulate the experience to someone who couldn't possibly hear the song in is heart. Or, he was just cranky, tired and hungry.

It's also possible that, without a keypad or Siri to take dictation, it took him half a day and help from tutor to complete the one sentence.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Oh hai!

It's becoming clear that director Tatia Pilieva really, really hates dating. Pilieva is the director behind First Kiss, the viral clip featuring twenty strangers kissing each other immediately after being introduced. Now she's back with the next logical step in her quest for instant intimacy. "Undress Me" features twenty strangers meeting for the first time, and then immediately taking each other's clothes off and getting into bed together.

No dinner. No drinks. No, "So where were you on 9/11?" Just make with the unzipping.

Since everyone on the Internet felt personally violated when they discovered that "First Kiss" was a promo video for a clothing line (and not a documentary I guess?) featuring strangers who happened to be gorgeous actors instead of strangers with other jobs, steel yourself before watching because this one is also a promo, this time for Showtime's Masters Of Sex. 

But who cares? It's hot people who don't know each other taking off each other's clothes. That's why we're all here. Press play.

I look forward to Pilieva's next video, "20 Strangers Meet And Immediately Engage In Analingus."

Check out First Kiss if you haven't watched it already. Also check out perhaps the funniest of the First Kiss parodies, First Handjob.

(by Bob Powers)