Fact: Naming your child Misty Lee dramatically increases the chance she will grow up to be a woman who shoplifts vibrators from Spencer's Gifts. (via Spartanburg PD)

Misty Ann Lee, 38, from S. Carolina was trying to steal a vibrator from Spencer's Gifts when diligent (dildo-igent?) manager Dawn Hamilton pulled the (butt) plug on the operation.

Apparently, Hamilton observed Misty nab the knob in the "love section" and take it over to the "t-shirt cube," where she hid the pilfered penis behind a young child she was pushing in the stroller. 

Hamilton confronted Misty Lee about the crime and took the vibrator back. Misty acted like she didn't know what was going on and left the store. 

But then, for reasons that would only make sense to a Misty, she returned to the Spencer's gifts later that day, which is when Ms. Hamilton called the cops.

Misty Ann Lee was issued a ticket for shoplifting and brought in to Spartanburg Detention facility, from which she was released on $2,000 bond. Or, in Misty's currency, about 20 vibrators. 

The report does not say whether the child accomplice in the stroller was Misty's and, if not, which section of Spencer's gifts she might have stolen the child from. 

(by Myka Fox)

Give yourself some credit, EPA. With your Q rating, you could be a B-lister, no problem.

Unless you live in a retirement home and have also lost your smartphone, you've probably heard of Kim Kardashian's half-billion-dollar juggernaut app/game "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood," where you do celebrity stuff with celebrity Kim Kardashian in a quest to become a celebrity.

It must have been hard for a gov't employee to click "Still open..."

Apparently, whoever is running the Twitter feed for the Environmental Protection Agency's Water Department has heard of this game as well. Clearly, this is what happened: the Millennial who runs the Twitter account was still logged into Twitter at the end of the day when they decided to blow off some (clean, regulated) steam by playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. They must have been having a really hard day, because when they achieved C-List celebrity status by working it with Kim on the red carpet, they actually clicked "Yes" when the game asked to share this accomplishment with their friends. The friends, in this case, being the American people.

Whoops…our bad. Sorry about tweet. Upside - more attention for the Office of Water (http://t.co/GhuYcpwqwx), thanks @KimKardashian

— U.S. EPA Water (@EPAwater) July 22, 2014

Clearly, they've already learned some valuable lessons about celebrity. One of the actual authors of the Clean Water Act was very confused by the whole ordeal.

I'm the last original author of the Clean Water Act, but I have no idea who/what a Kardashian is and I rarely play games. You OK, @EPAwater?

— John Dingell (@john_dingell) July 22, 2014

And a Congressional Republican was very stereotypical (and apparently unaware of Congress' approval rating and the fact that he is a member of the least productive Congress in history).

I hope the Kardashians don't mind being associated with something that spends millions without contributing to society. @EPAwater

— Rep. Steve Stockman (@SteveWorks4You) July 22, 2014

The thing I am angry about is that this isn't real! When I first read this, I seriously thought that somehow a character in the game was an EPA inspector. I don't know how the game is played, so I didn't know how they would somehow shoehorn in a government environmental regulator, but I believed it, dammit.

Or EPA regulator! (via Kim Kardashian: Hollywood)

What a great way to educate the citizenry! Think about the millions of mouth breathers who own this app and can't tell you what the EPA does (besides "kill jobs and regulate freedom"). Mouth breathers use our air and water as much as anyone—maybe more. Maybe if the National Ignition Facility was a C-List Celebrity, more kids would study science in the dual hope of meeting Kim Kardashian and discovering cheap, limitless fusion energy.

Keep at it @EPAwater, you'll get there. #AList#WillowPapeIsTheWorst#KimKardashianGame

— Glu Games (@glumobile) July 22, 2014

So, keep playing, EPA interns. I'm sure ineffectually trying to protect our water from corporations (aka people) is stressful. The creators of the Hollywood game believe in you that you can win.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Written by Dan Abromowitz. Follow him on Twitter.

Designed by Cole Mitchell.

Class war, now. (Via)

Facebook is annoying enough with normal people bragging about their babies. But it's not as bad as when those babies grow up to post about how their Caribbean vacation sucked because they had to share a room at the Ritz with their sister. We're not saying there weren't always spoiled brats, but there was a time when they learned to keep that out of public view, and if they didn't, at least there wasn't a global network for them to broadcast how badly their parents have failed at grooming them. As awful as this would be to have on your own timeline, let this be your chance to get some rage out at these awful little rich kids.

How many maids do you need you slob? (Via)

.

Don't know you. You're spoiled. Now clean your room, Marlena. (Via)

.

Why do you little shits hate maids so much? Is seeing people work frightening to you? (Via)

.

Jesus wept. (Via)

.

Going to TJ Maxx before you travel is like visiting the Third World twice! 

.

I'm worried about what she's going to do if she has a baby that needs changing.

.

Was the father crying from the insults or the realization of who he has raised?

.

"Ugh, yeah, I'm being forced to rent a Ferrari until then."

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He should definitely include this in his app descriptions on iTunes. 

.

Excuse me. I may not be on the guest list, but maybe my friend Queen Elizabeth II is?

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Never trust a dad not to pass on the "obnoxious little a-hole" gene.

.

Do they get to hang out with you in Vancouver or is it just for plane company?

.

It's funny because you only have the barest idea of what the real world is like.

.

"Ugh, parents. Springing Bahamas vacations on me like I didn't have other expensive plans."

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"My dad is begging me to get a Beamer, but my mom thinks I should just hire a plane."

.

This is why your parents will suddenly move to Europe when you turn 18.

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She's not wrong; she's just gonna end up with another guy she calls "Daddy."

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This isn't even a first world problem. This is a too-rich-to-use-a-thermostat problem.

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On the other hand, you've got to admit spoiled kids are an effective economic stimulus.

.  

If her stepfather is this mean to her, imagine how abusive he is to her mom!

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Well, there's also drug mules. Their Orange Bowl tickets aren't as good, though.

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When I was 9 I got a Phillies jacket and got screamed at for not knowing who they were.
 

(by Johnny McNulty and Bob Powers)

"I don't want to die as long as I can twerk; the minute I can not, I want to go." - Susan b Anthony
(via Getty Images)

Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906) was a woman famous for her commitment to social reform and played a pivotal role in the women's suffrage movement. She was instrumental in the advancement of women's rights like voting, standing for electoral office, and, now, twerking.

Or at least, this is what I have to assume was meant by using Anthony's name to label this vine of a pantsless grandma twerking on top of a car. The name dedication is either a pungent nod to how far women have come -- the freedom to express themselves without apologies for age, status, or creed -- or it is just a reference to how really super old this twerking grandma is. At the very minimum, can't it be both?

And now, with a video that most of the people in my office declared was "enough to just read the headline," I present to you: Susan b Anthony, Twerking Grandma. 

(by Myka Fox)

Something in the way they devour wood. (via)

It's a shame George Harrison isn't around, because he would've gotten a big kick out of this story. Although, if he were around, there wouldn't be a need for a George Harrison memorial tree in the first place. Regardless, Los Angeles Councilman Tom LaBonge said over the weekend that the tree planted in 2004 in Los Angeles has been killed by an infestation of beetles.

The news has generated an outpouring of emotion on the internet. Not from people upset about the death of a tree dedicated to the memory of a gifted musician and man of peace, but from furious online commenters arguing over whether the story is ironic or merely a coincidence. 

It's ironic, right? Spelling aside, if beetles destroying a tree dedicated to a man who helped create the Beatles isn't ironic, then I don't know what is. It would be a coincidence if the tree died of sun damage, or was buried under a pile of legal documents, or had been torn apart by a Japanese cougar. You get the idea.

Councilman LaBonge said the tree will be replaced, but a date has not been set.

Harrison, who loved gardening, and famously sang that "all things must pass," most likely wouldn't have cared either way. He probably would've been more upset if the tree had been kept alive using beetle-killing pesticides. 

For the record, that would've also been ironic.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Things are tough all around.

If you were hanging around on the Internet late last week, you might have come across the sad story of a wife whose d-bag husband won the all-time passive-aggressive award by sending her a spreadsheet of all the excuses she's made to avoid having intercourse with his body. Here's that original spreadsheet image that swept across the web:

While this story was more a cautionary tale of how not to address a marital problem, nothing that spreads across the Internet can die without being imitated, if only for comic relief. So people quickly started making their own (fake, parody) spreadsheets to add to the Microsoft Office sexual history phenomenon.

There was the Healthy Relationship Sheet:

(Via)

The New Parent Sheet:

(Via)

And of course, the Sad And Lonely Sheet:

(Via)

We even got a peek inside the sexual frustrations of the common dog:

(Via)

Hopefully, that wife who received the original sheet can read these and have a laugh, and maybe wish she was married to one of these dudes instead (dog excluded).

(by Bob Powers)

Unrelated: that's a fun-looking synagogue in the background.

YouTube's Rhett & Link, best known for being Rhett & Link on YouTube, are having a terrible vacation where absolutely everything goes wrong, but that's OK, because at least they're not at work. 

During their adventures, they run into a lot of other YouTubers, including Dom from BroScienceLife, Shanna from HeyYoShanna, Candice from Hunan Penguin, and Shannon from Random Ass Girly Channel.

I can relate to this song, because my past 5 vacations have resulted in 1.) more time spent waiting for planes than at my actual destination, 2.) speeding tickets and a bench warrant for a spouse of mine who shall remain anonymous, and 3.) staycation, 4.) staycation, and 5) a destination wedding (just kidding, it was a staycation in which I finally watched Kim Kardashian briefly marry Kris Humphries). And yet, I was still having a blast because instead of doing nothing while sitting in front of the A.C. at work, I was doing nothing while sitting in front of the A.C. on my own time.

In the immortal words of James Franco impersonating Riff Raff: Sprang braake. Spreng brake forevvaaah.

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. Robert Downey, Jr. Tops List Of Hollywood Actors Making More Money Than Is Probably Healthy

For the second consecutive year, Sherlock Holmes and Iron Man star Robert Downey, Jr. has been listed as the actor who's pulling in the most dangerously enormous amount of money. With $75 million funneled into his already-overflowing bank account since last June, the charismatic actor out-earned Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson by about $23 million.

I love Robert Downey Jr's sexy cocky guy persona. It never gets old. I hope it's not an "act" and that he's an asshole in real life too.

— Elisha Yaffe (@elishayaffe) January 13, 2014

2. Air Conditions In Western Wisconsin Are Currently 66% Humidity, 85% Flying Insects

Western Wisconsin residents who live along the Mississippi River are currently experiencing a blight of mayflies so massive that clouds of the flying insects are showing up as weather patterns on radar screens and the entire landscape is covered with a buzzing insectoid blanket. Luckily, the little guys live for under a day, so Midwesterners will only have to deal with billions upon billions of mayfly cadavers in the coming weeks.

Have you seen this from Sun Nite? Mayflies EVERYWHERE! Even showing up on radar. Details: http://t.co/j9SIbbW4qJ… pic.twitter.com/I8bIxvpZrB

— Keith Thompson (@weathermankeith) July 22, 2014

#Mayflies have descended upon the Midwest & swarms can be so big they're seen on radar! http://t.co/LyJVj2feoTpic.twitter.com/wYjfWNjNyk

— HLN (@HLNTV) July 22, 2014

Mayflies! Showing up on radar in La Crosse, WI! #naturepic.twitter.com/yfZljgGRVe

— Charles Koch (@wxbadger) July 21, 2014

"It just seems a bit mental to me that mayflies only live for a day. I wouldn't bother. I'd say: "forget it". Karl Pilkington

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) June 24, 2013

3. Wealthy NYC Tenants To Be Spared Humiliation Of Walking Through Same Door As Poor People

The developers of a new high-rise building in Manhattan have received approval from the city to create one entrance for the wealthy tenants of the structure's luxury apartments and another, separate entrance for foul-smelling poor people who prefer to live in squalor inside the building's low rent hovels. All residents will unfortunately have access to the same nearby streets and sidewalks.

You can't please everyone, so it's probably better to focus on the rich people.

— Steve Schneider (@stvschndr) July 8, 2014

4. Sheriff Concerned Orange Prison Jumpsuits Might No Longer Be Sufficiently Debasing

The sheriff of Saginaw County, Michigan is a bit perturbed that some prison inmates are still retaining some sense of humanity while wearing the formerly standard-issue bright orange prison jumpsuits. So, he's seeing to it that inmates begin wearing black-and-white striped suits instead. That is until they start not hating them, at which point he'll likely move on to pink or aquamarine or something. Because we can't have our prisoners leaving the system with any lingering shreds of self-worth.

The only clothing that seems to go with my new mustache is a bright orange jumpsuit.

— Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) November 26, 2012

5. If Philip Seymour Hoffman's Kids Want To Become Spoiled Hollywood Douches, They'll Have To Do It On Their Own

Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman was worth about $35 million when he tragically died of a heroin overdose back in February. However, his three children won't be receiving a penny of that money, as the actor apparently wanted to save his kids from the trauma of growing up with as much money as all of their Hollywood children friends.

but nobody cares that I left Philip Seymour Hoffman's kids nothing

— Sarah Burton (@NotRubHarass) July 22, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Tan on the inside. (via Facebook)

A Florida couple screwed on a beach for a long and luxurious 25 minutes, and no one stopped them. People stared, children asked questions, and a grandma made sure to catch it all on tape to "turn it over to the police once they arrived," but for a full 25 minutes, dozens of people on Bradenton Beach just let the couple get down to sea level.

Apparently, after 25 minutes of complete disregard to their surroundings, Elissa Alvarez, 20, a waitress from Bradenton, and 39-year-old Jose 'Ben' Caballero, a fitness instructor, decided to take a dip in the ocean, presumably to flush out the tons of sand that no doubt had been forced inside each other. 

Then "they laid on the beach and passed out for hours," the camera-strapped granny voyeur told Fox. "We thought they were dead, but when they woke up, they cuddled for a while, then started into the same thing they did before."

The nerve! Good thing she was able to catch all of the lewd behavior on video to prove what perverts those other people are!

Eventually, a woman decided she'd had enough of the free show and went over to stop the couple, and then called the cops, who arrested them for lewd and lascivious behavior. They both bonded to get out of jail, which makes sense because it was bonding that got them locked up to begin with. 

(by Myka Fox)

Apologize for the blur, he's simply too fast for still photography.

If this guy isn't the world's fastest busboy, he's at least the most entertaining. Or, the most distracting, depending on your level of appreciation for the table bussing arts. At first glance, it looks like either the video is going at high speed, or the guy is high on speed. Considering that the videos were shot in Florida, you couldn't be blamed for thinking that the guy didn't even work at the restaurant, but was just a local tweaker who ran out of things to clean in his apartment and decided to take his talents to Red Robin.

Because he's not just fast, he's meth-fast! According to people familiar with his work, however, he's just an incredibly hard-working, Bangladeshi-American who loves his job and has a need for speed.

In case you thought this might've been a one-time deal and the guy was in a rush to clock out, people have been shooting videos of him for some time. Which raises the question, how has he not been hired to be on a NASCAR pit crew?

Okay, so he may have accidentally left the ketchup bottle in the tray. And the way he flings the rag around might send the occasional chunk of food flying onto another table. Still, what he lacks in accuracy and attention to detail, he more than makes up for in entertainment value. When's the last time you busted out a camera to capture a busboy in action? Exactly.

Even if there is somehow a busboy out-hustling this guy, I'd like to see the videos of him go viral, so that "World's Fastest Busboy" becomes a thing. If for no other reason than it might stir up the competitive juices of other busboys, motivating them to get their asses in gear and make a run for this guy's title.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

=
But that one corner can be real dangerous.(Via)

Usually, when you wake up after a drinking binge, you have to make a few calls to find out all the dumb stuff you did the night before. Thanks to disruptive smartphone technology, one guy got to see the dumb move he made just by powering up his Uber app.

"After a night of fairly heavy drinking, I woke up to find I took a very unnecessary cab ride..." reddit user uhcougars1151 wrote with his share of the above image. "Thank you Uber for rubbing it in my face with the detailed map...." According to his comments, the imbiber was trying to get from Houston's The Dogwood bar at 2403 Bagby St., to Shot Bar, 2315 Bagby St. 

Here's how that journey could have looked in a world where humans are allowed to venture freely about the land using their legs.

Looking at the map, the Uber driver was dealing with some one-way streets that would have prevented him from just kicking it into a U-turn back across Mcllhenny. But perhaps the GPS he was using needs to provide an alert that says, "Park it and walk, lazy-ass." 

One could surmise that it was up to the driver to be this guy's sober guide. He could have told him to get out and walk. But maybe the guy really didn't look like he should be crossing any streets in his condition. And more importantly, since Uber reserves the right to charge you a cancellation fee (a right that is probably exercised when the reason for cancellation is "I was drunk and dumb"), the driver might have saved this guy money while also getting his fare. Everybody wins.

(by Bob Powers)

I can haz dignity.

So you dropped a bunch of money on a bengal hybrid cat because it has a lot of energy and then you stuck it in your small apartment with no opportunity for it to get adequate exercise? It could happen to anyone.

Fortunately, a new Kickstarter campaign has already exceeded its original $10,000 goal times ten to raise funds for "One Fast Cat," a cat exerciser with all the beauty of a spare tire and all the dignity of a hamster wheel. 

How does it work, you ask? Well, it comes to you in a box in a bunch of pieces that you put together, and then you train your very trainable cat to run on it! 

Testimonials from one woman who bought a bengal hybrid cat because it has a lot of energy, and then forced it to live in her depressing apartment that cannot remotely satisfy her breed's need to hunt and play says her cat is "peeing outside of the litter box less."

But don't just take her word for it!

In other words, your Bengal cat hybrid will spent less time annoyingly begging for play and attention, and more time begging to shit in a pile of wood chips and eat its young.

(by Myka Fox)

This isn't porn. This is barely scandalous enough to be a freshman dorm room poster.

Meet the Warwick Women's Rowing team from the University of Warwick in England. In addition to being a very well-respected rowing program, both the men's and women's teams are known for their annual nude calendars, which raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support. 

The calendars are, as you would expect, very popular (in fact, they put them out more than annually, releasing supplementals with their training trips). Most importantly, they're tasteful, and they're for charity—two qualities that we've decided, as a culture, can elevate the "nude" above the "nudie."

"We're just gonna hang onto this photo for...evidence." (via BuzzFeed)

Except for Facebook, of course, which makes decisions based on what will look the worst from a PR perspective. In this case, that decision would be to ban the Warwick Rowing Women's Naked Calendar page for violating Facebook policies about indecent material, while leaving the Men's team alone.  

Because, you know, images of nude men with rippling muscles whose genitals are barely concealed behind some carefully-placed objects are way less threatening than some shots of athletic women without the spandex that would show us the same forms, anyway. It's also interesting to note that these women previously came under fire from women at their own university for doing the calendar, although, once again, no one seemed to have an opinion on the (longer-running) men's calendar.

I assume the women in this photo are laughing because it's the only thing they can do in the face of this blatant hypocrisy.This was widely perceived to be sexism, because it was sexism. (The story soon spread, because what media outlet in its right mind would not cover this story? It has appeared in The Independent, The Daily Mail, The Daily Star, The Huffington Post, and BuzzFeed, among many others, and journalists and Tweeters alike agreed that these images were not porn. And if anyone is qualified to judge what is and is not porn, it's the citizens of the Internet.

The Warwick Rowing Women's Nude Calendar fan page has since been reinstated, and the girls are gearing up for their 2015 shoot. 

During our busy last few days we have been finalising 2015 photos. Email nakedgirlsrow@gmail.com to register interest pic.twitter.com/IWvEWwuVj8

— UWBC Girls Calendar (@nakedgirlsrow) July 19, 2014

If you'd like to support cancer research and the right of men and women everywhere to tastefully photograph their college athlete bodies, head to their website.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Really disappointed that someone didn't try to pull off an Artoo. (via)

Just in case you're ever feeling bad about your grandparents going off to live in a retirement community, what you need to realize is that they're probably pretty happy to go. First of all, you weren't visiting them except on holidays anyway, so that's not really a loss. And second, just look at the awesome stuff that they're doing now that they don't have a bunch kids treating them like old people.

These movie recreation pictures all come from a calendar put together by the retired seniors living at the Senior Living Communities in in South Carolina, North Carolina, Florida, Georgia and Indiana, which itself was inspired by a calendar made by a bunch of equally awesome seniors in Germany. I hope that means that this kind of thing is happening constantly, when dummies like us aren't around to make them feel weird about it.

I'll bet the Wicked Witch mellowed out once
she moved away from her deadbeat kids. (via)

Actually looking better than John Travolta currently does. (via)

Ladies are still bringing the heat. (via)

It's the guy in the Stay Puft suit that really brings this one together. (via)

Lots more pictures over at the Senior Living Communities website.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)