My gym teacher used to call us "ladies" & I'd like to salute his progressive attitude towards gender roles

Jesus would drive American. (via Fort Wayne PD)

A Indiana woman ran over a motorcyclist and slammed into a Ford pickup truck because she let Jesus take the wheel. Which is crazy because, you know, the DMV has no record of issuing him a drivers license.

According to police, Prionda Hill, 25, was driving her Pontiac Grand Prix down Jefferson Blvd in Fort Wayne when, "out of nowhere God told her that He would take it from here and she let go of the wheel and let Him take it.”

That's when her lord and savior ran down 47-year-old motorcycle enthusiast Anthony Oliveri. Well, first Jesus knocked him off his bike, then he kept going. 

Nice try, Jesus. (via Facebook)

“When I looked at that bumper and looked at that tire, I told myself, today is the day you die,” Oliveri told the Journal Gazette.

But Jesus spared his life that day, and instead of crushing Oliveri's skull, he just ran over his midsection, breaking all of the ribs on his left side and rupturing his spleen and bruising his kidney. 

Normally one to heal the wounded, Jesus broke character and fled the scene. He smashed into the back of a Ford pickup truck before running off the road into some landscaping between two fast food joints. 

By the time police got there, Jesus had peaced out, leaving Hill to deal with the aftermath. She tested negative for alcohol, but despite her admission to being prescribed Vicodin for pain relief, police did not administer a complete toxicology report, nor did they test for holy spirits.

Hill is being charged with failure to stop after an accident resulting in injury or death, criminal recklessness with a deadly weapon, and two counts of criminal mischief. Jesus said he would die for her sins, but no word yet on whether he'll take the rap for them. 

(by Myka Fox)

Looking in different directions. It was already over. (Via Getty)

It's looking like Beyonce and Jay-Z are about to be no more. Jezebel's saying it. The NY Post is saying it too. Every other gossip site is racing to be the ones who've been predicting it since forever. The unofficial rumors are starting to pile up and grow stronger, binding together to form an official, altogether possible likelihood that this. shit. is. happening. 

Keep calm. Breathe. Here are ten ways you can react.

10. Forgiveness. Call your parents and tell them you finally forgive them for getting the divorce. Yes, it's prevented you from engaging in any intimacy in your life, but Beyonce and Jay-Z couldn't make it work, so why should your talentless, non-photogenic mom and dad have been able to pull it off. "No one is meant to love," tell them. "I know that now."

9. Abandon. Engage in risky, promiscuous sex with a variety of people whose names you refuse to learn. With all hope for romantic love having been extinguished, physical, bodily closeness is what's left. "Just put some of you in me or maybe some of me in you and then forget I was here," tell your partners. Make sure to shake on it.

8. Self-harm. Stab your eardrums out. The music was lies. The songs declaring their mutual endless love and devotion over million-dollar samples were just something you could dance (or sway, or have once-hopeful sex) to. Pop your eardrums before you're tricked again.

7. Try To Find That Feeling Again. You're addicted to it, so you can't be blamed when you fall for other celebrity couples in the hope that they can give you what you had with Bey and Jay. But Ashton and Mila won't cut it. Ben and Jen are just going through the motions. Brad and Angelina? Too obtuse. It's hopeless. You had the dream, but the dream died. 

6. Invest In Legalzoom.com. Or another do-it-yourself legal document website. This divorce is going to result in a flood of no-fault amicable divorces as millions of couples realize it's just not worth trying to make it work anymore. Websites that help you to file divorce action with minimal cost are going to make a killing, and so will you if you move the money today.

5. Find Religion. You need something to believe in again. Love eternal was a lie, so why not try God? Or Wicca? Or whatever those smoking mutes are on HBO's The Leftovers? A religion where you get to smoke and wear jumpsuits! Yeah, that one. 

4. Get Cats. They're there for you, but they're not all there. They'll cuddle up against you, but you're pretty sure they'd forget you ever even existed if another warm midsection walked into the house possessing the dexterity to pull open a tab on a can of cat food. This is the kind of relationship you can accept from now on. This is the best you can ask for. Get cats (or a really withholding dog).

3. Beat Yourself Up For Not Seeing It Sooner. Review those red carpet pics of Jay pretending to propose all over again. Study them. Have them analyzed. Look for cracks in the facade. They were lying to you all this time. That entire event was probably staged and you fell for it. Look into a mirror and vow to never believe anyone's lies again, then wrap a sequined unitard around your fist and punch the mirror into shards.

2. Refuse To Pay Your Illuminati Dues This Year. If the shadow council couldn't keep Bey and Jay together, it's time to issue a vote of NO CONFIDENCE. Best way to do that is with your wallet.

1. Be Reborn. Everything up to this point has been lies. With this news, you are reborn in truth. Every birth is painful, but to keep living beyond the pain, that's where joy is found. You'll find it. You'll find joy again.

(by Bob Powers)

Even by crazy bicyclist standards, this doesn't come close to making sense.

New York is the news capital of the planet. When news happens in your corner of the world, it gets typed up here. So, you'd think that when two huge white flags mysteriously replaced the American flags that normally fly above the pillars of the world-famous Brooklyn Bridge, which was a real thing that happened this morning, reporters would be chasing down leads and questioning sources left and right. You would be wrong, of course, because terror implications or no terror implications, New York reporters would prefer to finish writing their story before lunch rather than take the boring, painful time to actually figure out the truth.

Thomas Tracy, Rocco Parascandola and Larry McShane: great work, fellas. (via HuffPo)

Take, for example, the New York Daily News. A proud newspaper with a long and storied tradition, maybe they wanted to put out an explanation for the story faster than their more-famous rival, the New York Times, who were busy waiting on comments from city and law enforcement officials. So, they put someone on it. In fact, they put three someones on it. Those someones weren't on it for very long, and they didn't look very hard, but gosh darnit, someone put out a story real fast. 

Stop us if you've heard this one before. How many Daily News reporters does it take to not fact-check a story?

— Bike Lobby (@BicycleLobby) July 22, 2014

That story credited the flag stunt with a heretofore-unknown radical bicyclist interest group behind the Twitter account @BicycleLobby. They said that they had scaled the towers and installed the flag (which required using aluminum pans to block out lights and get over sharp barriers), in order to symbolize their surrender of the bike lane to pedestrians on the bridge. It was totally wrong. Not only was it wrong, but they don't even have an excuse for getting trolled.

Bicycle Lobby says right there in their description that they are a parody account. Right. There. When I say they weren't trying very hard to fool news agencies, I mean they weren't trying at all to fool news agencies. I don't think it even occurred to them that that was a possibility. Bicycle Lobby spent the rest of the day having a lot of fun with it.

Please follow this incredible parody account. It goes by the Twitter handle @NYDailyNewshttp://t.co/WUufRFnFy1pic.twitter.com/rXzR1JAwDd

— Bike Lobby (@BicycleLobby) July 22, 2014

The story was also picked up by the AP, which means it pretty much went global. I don't recommend thinking too hard about the implications of this, because basically it means that there's a good chance that everything you read is not just inaccurate, but moronically so. 

Stick a front fork in us, everybody. Our work here is done. @APpic.twitter.com/ndEVkdzxZq

— Bike Lobby (@BicycleLobby) July 22, 2014

The news is run by people, and people are morons. Fortunately, that means we're all morons, and we can ask our moron brains to forget this and go back to being gullible and pretending that news agencies have real authority and gravitas.

Well, it's been a fun day. We're off now for our daily ride with Beyoncé. Meeting her at the bridge. pic.twitter.com/K5gg69zj90

— Bike Lobby (@BicycleLobby) July 22, 2014

Basically, it's time to wave the white flag and surrender ourselves to the fiction that we live in a world filled with responsible people doing smart things. Ah, that feels better.

Just so we're clear: no one has any clue who put up the white flags or why. It's apparently not terrorism, though. So, you know. That's good.

(by Johnny McNulty)

The best in the business. Everybody nose it. (via)

Have you ever wondered what your favorite celebrities, athletes and icons of popular culture would look like if they had enormous noses and no mouths? If you said "No!" then join the club. Because nobody ever has wondered that. Except for maybe one guy, and that's Phillip Pastore, the guy behind this weird blog called Nosemouth.

The whole idea behind the blog—if you can even call it an idea—is summed up pretty well in its tagline: "All Nose. No Mouth." It's just a grotesque assemblage of famous faces, but Photoshopped so as to enlarge the nose and erase the mouth. Here's a small sampling of what this rather absurd Internet destination has to offer:

That thing probably creates some real ectoplasm. (via)

.

The breath of God is truly in his nostrils. (via)

.

Talk about a whiff! (via)

.

Oddly, she's still hotter than most people. (via)

.

Now, there's that iconic smile. (via)

Sooooo many more Nosemouths to see right over here.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Wail song.

You don't have to speak Spanish to understand that the "Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!" in this video roughly translates to, "Holy shit! A humpback whale has just lifted me and my kayak out of the water, and I will treasure this moment for the rest of my life! That is, if the whale doesn't decide to snap my tiny boat in half and toss me and my companion several hundred yards, and I'm somehow able to survive this incredibly exciting, terrifying ordeal!"

That's certainly what it sounded like. And it's the sound that most of us would make in the same situation. So you can't blame the two people kayaking off the coast of Argentina for losing their composure. Keeping your cool is probably no longer on your priority list when an animal weighing 40 tons decides to lift you up for a closer look.

A lot of YouTube commenters seem to be upset that the kayakers approached the whales and put themselves in harms way. Maybe so, but the whales were never in any danger, and judging by the high-pitched squeals that came from the guy in the kayak, it sounds like there's zero chance of him being a repeat offender.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

I'm glad you enjoy working out, I hear prison is good for that.

Sometimes "TMI" can stand for "Too Much Immediacy." It's not that we don't want to be informed that a friend is masturbating / on the toilet / performing brain surgery / all of the above. We just worry that by trying to share it with us while in the moment, they're not savoring the moment as much as it can be savored. These Facebook users exemplify the growing spirit of real-time overshare, refusing to wait even five seconds before updating their status with the most private, unnecessary, and occasionally disgusting details of the life they're living right now. 

Perfect mom font as well. So much craftier.

Not too hot for Facebook, though. Never too hot to drive and Facebook.

I think David's mom Whitney might have some helpful advice.

Much like hemorrhoids, there is nothing to ease the pain of this post.

Please, let me be the idiot in this situation and let this be fake.

The stereotype that writers always wait until the last possible second is true.

Updated 6/25/14:

Well, he got the hashtags right, but I don't think a snap PSA will get you off in court. 

This guy is both ignorant about sex and under-excited to be the next Joseph & Mary.

I know it's really hard to get an anal bleaching appointment after work, but don't brag.

C'mon, Lisa. Let us share the joy of laughing at Sean.

Come down to Rickki's Brothel, we've got the best Local Business in town.

I don't know what's worse, going 90mph to pick up a kid, or the word choice here.

Updated 4/11/14:

Ironically, the person who realizes it shouldn't be on Facebook is also the most illiterate.

lmaoo: "Laughing my ass off ohmigodIdidn'tseethatturn!"

He/she totally did that.

That's a very specific amount of screaming to promise.

I don't approve of sharing people's sex tapes, but: I now know who Helene Fischer is.

Updated 4/11/14:

"I don't get it, the shot clock still has 10 seconds...so, why do I hear a horn?" 

Drunk driving because no one answered your call is a new passive-aggressive record.
 

Hard to say who is dumber, the guy who posted for "sinthetic" or the person who thought
it would be possible to reason with him.
 

What are you doing making a simple update? That's a Facebook Milestone right there.
 

Is it just me, or did no one call 911 before posting to Facebook?
 

I hope this isn't the prequel to the bagged lunch one two photos up.

Updated 3/13/14:

Probably made someone's heart rate go up, that's for sure. (via Failbook)
 

You're right about the second half of that. (via reddit)
 

I hope that other guy didn't Google that while driving.(via)
 

I'd say by not embarrassing him in front of everyone, but hey, what do I know? (via Lamebook)
 

I'm going to say "a.) Henry Clay and b.) all of them." (via)
 

Whoah, what do you think this is, LinkedIn?(via)

 
This kid is ready to work in cable news. (via)

Also, just a reminder that it usually sounds pretty stupid to describe your small problems as a disaster:

Your Facebook complaints are all that stands between civilization and buying Fascism.

Updated 2/6/14:

This may be the most literal update-at-an-inappropriate-moment we've ever had. (via reddit)
 

I don't think it's inte-meant to be with you two, buddy. (via Lamebook)
 

That big, blurred-out thing? That's a cadaver of someone who donated their body to science.
(via WHNT)
 

So, he's like one shade smarter than the guys from Dumb & Dumber. (via Lamebook)
 

Wow, he sounds like the kind of asshole who would take a selfie at a funeral. (via reddit)
 

Mike, you're not so good at this 21st Century thing. (via reddit)

Updated 1/13/14:

"I got this." - Completely accurate, totally not reassuring. (via reddit)
 

Certain people need to learn about this encryption technology called talking in person.(via)
 

It's a good thing admissions officers don't have Facebook. (via)
 

If this gets 50k likes, we'll get out of the car. (via)
 

We'll stay tuned for more updates. (via)
 

I guess you could say nothing and leave us ignorant of this behavior. (via)
 

Everything about this is a lie! I bet he's not even on break. (via Failbook)
 

She's so flustered she can't even spell masturbate. (via Lamebook)

Updated 12/04/13:

The prosecution would like to enter into evidence the following Facebook post...
 

Now everyone will know you are a real class act.
 

What did Man do before fleshlights and hot pockets?
 

Yeah, it'll definitely be less awkward right afterwards.
 

It's cool, they probably had to fart.
 

Updated 11/06/13:

This looks like a video game...that someone is about to lose.
 

Fun Fact: This was the first question ever asked, circa 90,000 BC
 

Live fast, live-update your death young.
 

You are on a phone on Facebook. I guess in your case, the issue is having no friends.
 

His grandson made him so awkward, he cringed too hard and it turned into rigor mortis.
 

I can't talk about it. The police think it might be the same person who poisoned grandpa.
 

This is the most literal instance of "update at an inappropriate moment" we've ever seen.
 

Invent a time machine, study home ec and sex ed, and never have a kid or buy bleach.
 

WOW! Wow, some old lady. Just wow. WOW. WOWOWOWOW.

Updated 10/1/13:

Something tells me this person tried to use that spoon to fix the toaster.
 

Movie...about illegal and dangerous driving...while driving...brain...*EXPLOSION*
 

Good, now you'll have time to Google "emergency" to see that you were in one.
 

I think she's not pregnant because she murdered her boyfriend in the shower.
 

It will be for you if I can figure out how to show this to your boss.
 

I assume the feeling you mean is "attention from concerned friends."
 

Sucks that having the sun in your eyes is the best time for selfies & the worst for driving.

Updated 9/04/13:

I don't always post to social media while driving, but when I do, the speed is 3 digits.
 

Life goes on, especially when there's colored icing.
 

Those emoticons are the same faces one of the Heathers made after drinking Drano.
 

Brainz fallin outa mah hed lol.
 

9-1-1 only takes typing three digits. This is like 4 tweets.
 

Better safe than sorry, she could be a ghost who can't rest until she gets 10k likes. 

Updated 8/01/13:

Nor shall you, my friend. Nor shall you.
 

Your baby. Your baby is trying to drink with you.
 

Way to go, CasanofuckingwaywouldIeverletmydaughterdateyou.
 

The NSA does.
 

I tagged the sheriff, but I did not friend the deputy.
 

That fucktard is in your mirror, fucktard.
 

And to end a long career of being able to legally drive.

Updated 7/01/13:

Much like she has Faith in posting things on Facebook and saying "don't tell my husband."
 

If she dies, at least the guy who wrote "ut oh" will know they told her everything they needed.
 

No one from this high school passed sex ed. No one.
 

You should hear how funny he thought it was when his F'ing A fell O because he was L'ing.
 

OK cool, just letting everyone know. Back to playing "Plants vs Zombies."
 

Platinum beer comes with driving priviledges. It's the highest level of beer membership.
 

Updated 5/30/13:

"I can do much better tho" is probably true for everything this guy does.
 

Actually, there is definitely a bio test going on, but for anthrax.
 

Must...keep...looking...at...phone...for...safety...
 

See me after class, but remember that I can always see you on here 24/7.

Good God, people! What happened to blasting a music station you hate?

Updated 4/30/13

How did she text with wet nails (while driving)? She's a pro!
 

This is called Texting While Being In An Action Movie.

7 likes. 1 hehehe. People hate you, buddy.

Hopefully his work is as a tow truck driver so he can tow whomever he hits soon.

Are you crazy putting this on Facebook? Post this kind of stuff on LinkedIn.

Too much inappropriate to keep track of. But great blouse, mourner in the middle!
 

Updated 4/5/13:

Could you maybe just post a little more to explain what the hell you were doing?

Thumbs down, young lady. Thumbs down.

Not everyone has to make a big deal about their last words.

You're taking a photo of it all while driving? You'll interupt your Words With Friends game!

Facebook Marketplace doesn't sell any pails of soapy water. You're on your own.

Hope they post pics of the entire arrest and incarceration, including the pepper spraying. 
 

Updated 3/5/13:

A.) That emoticon is offensively accurate. B.) The lady helping is in a wetsuit.

"Like this" as in seeing her kid go on Facebook during a funeral?
 

2 minutes later: lighting a pen full of petroleum-based ink on fire proved to be scarring!
 

Introducing the new LifeAlert: it calls 911, tweets and Facebooks any time you might die.
 

To be fair, the man seems equally uninterested in helping his aged wife get out of the car.
 

Didn't even properly tag them. That's disrespectful. Just a vague attention-grab.
 

The fact that they're too tired to take a decent photo is not reassuring, either.

Updated 1/29/13:

They see me rollin, they concerned / trying to catch me riding hands-free.
 

That's fair. But you are also checking Facebook at a funeral, so...
 

Ain't no status like a cowering-in-my-bathtub-avoiding-stray-bullets status. 
 

Do you know how low your shirt was going? I mean how fast I was distracted? Carry on.
 

Great drunk-typing. It's amazing he can type and drunk-drive with only one major error.
 

Their son was diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder sixteen hours later.

Updated 11/30/12:

Put the phone down. You need both hands for that.
 

The photo gallery of her frantically downing some coffee was a nice touch though.
 

At least the truck will suffer minor damage getting rear-ended right after you hit send.
 

You can't put romance behind bars.
 

#scumbag

Completely idiotic physician, heal thyself!

Updated 10/5/12:

And here we are masturbating to it.

He just wanted it to be clear for the autopsy report.

Um, aren't you doing the same thing Mrs. Cooper?

To be fair, that red light fairy can be kind of a dick.

Then ask one of the nurses to take a photo! This is an emergency!

Updated 9/10/12:

Updated 1/13/12:

Updated 12/9/11:

Posted 9/28/11:

...and she knows how to use them. (via Get Surry)

Fat Robbie Williams impersonator, Blobbie Williams, was performing his cover of "Angels" at UK's GuilFest, when a fan became so moved by his performance that she threw her prosthetic leg at him. 

47-year-old Heather Best is a horse racer and lost her leg in 2010 during "a stupid accident at work," she told Get Surry. "This is the first festival I have been to since. It's good to dance even if I only have one leg."

Best saw her fake leg as the ultimate concert accessory, waving it around to the music like a lighter and eventually tossing it toward the stage like underwear. It was certainly just as personal. The leg was handed to Blobbie while on stage and he held it over his head triumphantly. He also looked into it, maybe to see if it contained actual underwear. 

Incredible that a celebrity impersonator was enough to get this woman so riled up. If he was the real Robbie Williams, she might have thrown her real leg.

(by Myka Fox)

For one shining moment, he was a kid again (like when the USSR was super powerful).

This video is a perfect metaphor for world events right now.

On the one hand, this is a funny clip captured by a Russian dash cam of an adult male thinking he is a child and then paying the price in embarrassment. On the other, this video should be taught in International Relations 101.

I'm not trying to stoke the flames of war, here, but we all see how this guy is the physical embodiment of Russian foreign policy, right? He's not the biggest guy on the planet, but he's still really big and too confident to confront without starting a fight. That supermarket is like the Russian homeland, where he can ban gay foods and do pretty much whatever he wants, and the parking lot is the Ukraine, which he still sees as part of the supermarket. The cart is the current political unrest, and his huge gut that he leans on the cart represents the combat materiel (like SA-11 anti-aircraft missiles) that Russia has recklessly introduced into an already-unstable situation. 

What we have now is a bunch of spilled milk, except the milk is blood and tears.

Obviously.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Fighting evil with crazy. 

In response to the news that Rupert Murdoch is attempting to buy Time Warner Cable, which owns CNN, Jon Stewart has announced a plan for a Kickstarter to raise 10 billion dollars in order to buy the cable network. Is it a joke? Sure, but only slightly more so, and considerably less obscene, than the idea of Rupert Murdoch owning Time Warner Cable. As Stewart put it, "The guy owns over 120 newspapers and media outlets. If he buys Time Warner, news will just be 'shit Rupert Murdoch thinks'." 

Daily Show viewers were encouraged to visit a fake fundraising website called Let's Buy CNN, which seems to have a less to do with raising money than raising awareness of the fact that CNN has lost its way as a news organization, and is in need of some major soul-searching. Or, barring that, a steady diet of ball-busting. Per the site's mission statement:

"CNN, America’s first 24-hour cable news network, has been terrible for many, many years. Does it have to be that way? Who knows, maybe it does. So let’s find out for ourselves!

This $10 billion, all-cash bid for CNN would secure control of a massive television network reaching over 100 million homes in the US alone, which we could then use to rebuild a news organization befitting this proud land. Or more likely we’d use it to make a lot more poop jokes. Either way, you get to watch!"

Various incentive packages were also created. For instance, $10,000 gets you a spot in a "signature CNN mass-shooting coverage six-box."

For 25 grand you can experience one of the worst party ideas ever conceived.

And for a cool $1 billion, you can give life to an idea that has probably already been kicked around at CNN headquarters.

You can visit the site to see more incentive packages. No money will be raised, and CNN won't likely change. Then again, in a world where a guy was able to raise nearly $50,000 with a Kickstarter to make potato salad, anything is possible.

Who would do such a delicious thing? (via Hillsboro PD)

Someone - or something - has been depositing donuts on cars and lawns around Portland, Oregon. 

Since the first sighting of a maple bar smeared across a car windshield on June 1st, donuts, pastries, and eventually bread, yogurt, and potato salad has found its way onto car hoods and lawns around Portland, Oregon. Police have yet to determine who is behind this. 

There are very few clues. Residents told police that the incidents have always occurred overnight.

While there have been no witnesses to rule out supernatural activity, police suspect the donut vandals are human, likely kids from the neighborhood. Kids love donuts. 

“We think the suspects probably went to a Dumpster where a grocery store had thrown out day-old pastries,” police spokesman Lieutenant Mike Rouches told Reuters. Despite having landed on such an important lead, police have opted not to request surveillance video from local supermarkets. 

Who - or what - are they trying to protect?

Even if we don't know who police are being so lax about capturing, I have a pretty good hunch about why. Cops love donuts, too.

(by Myka Fox)

1. Jon Stewart Hoping To Buy Run-Down Fixer-Upper Cable News Network 

Apparently inspired by Rupert Murdoch's recent attempt to purchase media conglomerate Time Warner, Jon Stewart announced on last night's episode of the Daily Show that he would be initiating a Kickstarter campaign to raise the $10 billion necessary to buy cable news network CNN. However, since his campaign does not currently appear on the actual crowd-funding site, it would appear as though he's not fully serious. Which makes sense, as he knows as well as anyone that he'd never be able to get that Wolf Blitzer smell out of the carpets.

CNN listing "Burrito inflation" as one of its top stories is all you really need to know about our country.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) July 20, 2014

2. Gov. Rick Perry To Deploy 1,000 Presidential Campaign Advertisements To U.S. Southern Border   

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has caused some controversy after announcing that he would be sending 1,000 mostly powerless troops from the U.S. National Guard to the border between Texas and Mexico so that they can stand around showing potential voters how serious Rick Perry is about both protecting our borders and being fiscally responsible.

I would like to mobilize the Texas National Guard to prevent Rick Perry from migrating to the White House.

— Jill Morris (@JillMorris) July 21, 2014

3. Hollywood Perturbed To Find This Year's Dumb Movie Goers Less Interested In Seeing The Bullshit Movies They Threw Together

The U.S. film industry is facing its worst financial slump in eight years, as movie studios seem incapable of getting audiences to come out en masse and see this year's crop of thrown-together sequels of remakes of sequels and adaptations of children's toys. "They still want to go to the movies. They just want to go to really good movies," media analyst Paul Dergarabedian explained. 

Amazing to think The Expendables 3 is only the third movie in Hollywood history to be written by a piece of beef jerky

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 22, 2014

4. 'Manimal'—The Very Best Worst TV Show Ever—To Be Made Into Mediocre Movie

You know that television show from the '80s that you can't believe actually existed in real life and wasn't just a sketch from the Phil Hartman years of SNL? No, not Max Headroom. Think weirder. Not Misfits of Science, either. Go even worse. Yes, Manimal! That show about the the guy who could transform into any animal he wanted and somehow used that power to fight crime? Well, Will Ferrell's production company is turning it into an ironic nostalgia-bait comedy movie. Finally, right!? Hopefully, it's as good as Land of the Lost!

What if TV's true towering achievement was Manimal and no one could recognize that at the time? WHAT IF?

— STEVE HUFF (@SteveHuff) June 24, 2013

5. The First Rule Of The Upcoming 'Fight Club' Sequel Is Talk About It To Everyone You Know 

Obsessive fans of 1996 Chuck Palahniuk's psycho-thriller anarchist novel Fight Club will finally get a sequel that can fill all the holes in their lives that could not be filled with items from the Ikea catalogue. It will apparently be coming in the form of a ten-part graphic novel series to be published through Dark Horse Comics.

If you think about it, the second rule of Fight Club is very similar to the first one. You could probably combine them and save time.

— James Bruce (@ComicJimBruce) May 28, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

(click upper-left to unmute)

Just a weird little number titled "Tip toein in my jawdins?" from Halle Evans. A lot of moving parts to make one mysterious whole. 

Now back to work.

(by Bob Powers)

A dick drawing of a thousand miles begins with a single set of balls.

Remember the potato salad Kickstarter? It's ok if you don't. That was like, a decade ago. Remember Oculus Rift, or the Ouya, or Pebble, or the Veronica Mars movie, or Reading Rainbow, or any other big Kickstarter projects? They were all just warmups, just appetizers, just foreplay for this crowning achievement of the crowdsourcing movement. 

Introducing the "World's Biggest Dick Drawing" by Alex Wong.

This attempt to put the famous dick-drawing montage in Superbad to tiny, limp shame isn't something Wong can do on his own, however. Well, it is, but he'd rather ask everyone for money. As far as the "why," Wong has two separate but equally understandable answers. On the one hand, he's unemployed. On the other, "It's everyone's dream to see a huge dick drawing. For scientific purposes or otherwise."

Wong showing off some of his more historically-relevant work.

The size and look of the penis will be determined by the success of the Kickstarter. In short, every dollar donated adds an inch of dick. Unless, of course, you want to pay $5 to add a pube or a vein, $7 for a golden vein, $10 for 1/2 of a testicle (only one of these remaining), or $25 for a "pee hole" (limit one). You can claim the tip of the penis for yourself for $100, or pay $200 to add a foreskin (the foreskin, as everyone knows, is added last to the penis). 

An example of Wong's riskier, more avant garde penillustrations.

Everyone who donates will have their name attributed to the specific inch(es) that they funded, as well as listed on a giant thank-you poster. Wong also plans to submit his wang to the officials at Guinness, although whether it actually becomes the largest is up to donors. The drawing will not be made unless Wong gets at least $100, and as of press time he's only reached $24, which isn't even 24 inches because it includes people who have paid for parts of testicles. As of right now, he might just have a normal penis. Fortunately, there's still 28 days to turn that normal penis drawing into something the Internet can finally be proud of having created.

(by Johnny McNulty)