From what I can tell, Amy Schumer is a kind, generous lady. If you don't agree with me, just listen to this story of her emergency-status bathroom break.

As People tells it, the Snatched and Trainwreck star was recently in Chicago and out for a jog when she stopped into a mattress store to ask if she could use the bathroom. Sagine Lazarre, the employee working at Six Corners Mattress Firm at the time, happily pointed her in the direction of the bathroom, but apparently had no idea she was talking with the famous comedian and actress.

And it could be that Schumer was touched and taken aback by Lazarre's Midwestern friendliness, or that Schumer had been hardened by life in New York, where even if you purchase a meal from a restaurant you're still required to punch in a code written on a receipt you've probably already thrown away in order to enter a bathroom and afford yourself the human decency of a quiet place to pee. But when Schumer emerged from the bathroom, she decided to return the favor to Lazarre in quite the opulent gesture.

On her way out, Schumer asked Lazarre which of the company's mattresses was her favorite. And then Schumer bought the $2,000 model for Lazarre on the spot as a thank you. "It’s amazing, mind blowing. I’m still shocked," she said. As it turns out, the timing couldn't have been better: Lazarre and her daughter had just moved into a new apartment.

"After she left, I Googled her name. The lady that was right there talking to me is Amy Schumer. It was amazing. Unbelievable." Yes it was, and yes it is! Now please, someone let me do something nice for Amy Schumer because I could use a headboard and a new rug.

The Crocodile Hunter's 13-year-old son Robert Irwin returned to The Tonight Showon Thursday, and brought his wild enthusiasm and some cute animals along with him.

The mini crocodile hunter introduced Jimmy Fallon to a scorpion, some baby black bears, legless lizards (yes, those are actually a thing) and a Binturong that smelled like popcorn. Of course, Fallon freaked out for each and every one of them.

But before even bringing out a single animal, Jimmy Fallon took a moment to say what everyone was already thinking— Robert looks exactly like his father, Steve Irwin.

It's kind of freaky.

Of course, he has also inherited his father's signature enthusiasm and love for animals, and is definitely carrying on Steve's legacy.

Ahead of his second appearance on The Tonight Show, proud big sis Bindi Irwin uploaded this photo of her and her family in an appropriately decorated dressing room.

Super excited to be back in #TheTonightShow studio ready for @robertirwinphotography to be on the show again! Proud beyond words of my extraordinary brother. Tune in tonight to see him showing Jimmy Fallon some gorgeous animals!

Robert Irwin definitely has some big shoes to fill, and the teen does it flawlessly. Crikey, Steve Irwin would be very proud.

A new poll done by Yahoo reveals that 52 percent of Americans over the age of 18 have used marijuana (as Jimmy Kimmel points out, that's the main reason Taco Bell is in business). Since marijuana is legal in California, Jimmy Kimmel thought it would make an interesting "Pedestrian Question" segment to send staff to "pot hot spot" Venice Beach and ask random strangers if they were currently high. (It was, after all, 4/20, a.k.a. Christmas for stoners.) Some were, some weren't, and some almost certainly had to be lying.

The clear winner was Nick, who admitted that yes, he was high. How high? "Really high, yeah. Welcome to Venice Beach." And why was he so high? "Oh, uh (pauses to drink water)…I smoked weed." DUH.

What a week! Bill O'Reilly was fired, the second weekend of Coachella is about to start, and it was just 4/20 (a holiday for pot smokers or for Nazis who love Hitler). Let's see what everyone's been tweeting about this week.

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In honor of yesterday being 4/20 (a.k.a. stoner Christmas), Jimmy Fallon played a special edition of his usual hashtag game...with a twist.

Fallon asked viewers to tweet their best weed-inspired tunes using the hashtag #420Songs, but instead of simply just reading the funniest responses, Fallon employed the help of country star Brad Paisley to sing them.

Check it out.

If you think the songs are funny sober, just think how funny they would be if you were high.

In honor of 4/20, Kim Kardashian, savvy businesswoman that she is (and I mean that truly), dropped some new items for sale on her kimoji website. They included an ashtray with a picture of her butt (an ass-tray) for $35, rolling papers with her likeness on them for $12, and a candle with a picture of Kim Kardashian as the Virgin Mary for $18. One of these items was bound to get a ton of backlash, and not only from Christians. Can you guess which one?

Social media users were not shy about expressing their opinions on the candle.

I know, I know, shocking that people are pissed off at a Kardashian. But it's not like she couldn't have seen this coming. Maybe the backlash will actually end up selling more candles. Maybe this was her plan all along!

Celebrities may look like perfect super-humans, but there's actually a lot of behind-the-scenes work that goes into staying so flawless. (Just ask Kristen Bell about her butt pads.) Chris Pratt isn't trying to fool anyone, though. On Thursday, he let his fans in on his secret to keeping cool on set.

Pratt posted a video to Instagram that showed him getting the sweat under his "man boobs" blow dried in between takes on Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2.

"Oh hey, Chris Pratt here," he says in the video. "I'm here with Annie, who's my stylist, but also works as a part-time pit dryer. Using the old Dyson blow-dryer to get the tit sweat gone."

He also provided some helpful personal grooming tips in the video's caption. "Next time... Put the deodorant under the man boobs," Pratt wrote.

I don't know about you guys, but I'd take a job as Chris Pratt's sweat dryer any day.

It's everyone's fear when they're gossiping in the cafeteria that the person they're talking about will suddenly pop up.

BBC reporter Nick Eardley was giving a walk-and-talk report on the upcoming election in the United Kingdom, and was covering slim chances for Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon's party when he got tapped on the shoulder by a surprise guest.

Sturgeon cheerfully put her arm around Eardley's shoulder and he responded with a very surprised, very British, "Hello!"

This brought back memories for many.

People applauded Sturgeon's smooth move.

This instance ended well, but it's a good lesson.

Watch your back: You never know who's right behind you.

In January of 2016, Twitter user @musicalhoe went viral with a 26-tweet thread of tips for all the hoes out there on how to stay healthy, beautiful, and happy while keeping up an active hoe lifestyle. Her tweets blew up, both because they're extremely funny, and because they're all fantastic advice. Now, her magnum opus is going viral all over again after it was shared on Imgur. And just because it's so good, we're sharing it with you. You're welcome.

Writer's note: Although peeing after sex is beneficial, it DOES NOT prevent STDs. Use a condom. Speaking of which…

Hoes who read the thread were forever changed. They all expressed their gratitude.

And after such an overwhelming response, @musicalhoe returned with one more extremely important tip for any hoe (or woman).

Hoe or not, be safe out there.

Most women could not want to be compared to Food Network star slash famed food guzzler Guy Fieri, but singer Katy Perry is inviting the comparison.

On 4/20, Perry uploaded this picture of her side-by-side with the celebrity chef alongside the caption "happy #420, #nationallookalikeday and now #nevergettinglaidday@guyfieri"

Twinsies!

Looks like Perry is having fun with her short, spiky new blonde 'do. If she really wants to drive the point home, she will shove an entire cheeseburger into her sweaty mouth and call it "money."

A suspicious husband in Wyoming, Minnesota made a very concerning concerned call when he found something in his wife's purse (First red flag: why was he looking through his wife's purse?)

I might be naive, or just super out-of-touch with what the kids are smokin' these days but...what?

The Wyoming police had to confirm that the man had never seen a cocktail umbrella, which is kind of sad that he had never experienced a sweet, tropical beverage.

Even if it turned out to be something, it's cold to call the police on your wife.

The call raises many questions:

1. Exactly how did it seem drug-like to him?

2. Is it possible that he knew it was a cocktail umbrellas, but was jealous that his wife was having cocktails with somebody else and called the police to scare her?

3. Was he, himself, on drugs? Did a psychadelic psych up the site of a mini umbrella?

My dude suffered many Ls the dude suffered that day.

Writer Joe Wadlington recently went on a first date with a man who is truly a god in the world of chain restaurant management. Over the course of the date, it turned out that this guy had once been the general manager for the Olive Garden in Times Square, New York City—the world's largest location. With three floors of dining, you could host a dinner for your whole family there even if you were part of some giant intermarrying cult.

Needless to say, this guy saw some serious s**t on the job, and he wasn't too shy to spill the hearty Italian beans. Wadlington, because he's a hero, decided to share everything he learned with his Twitter followers. Now his thread is going viral, because it's amazing.

He'd better marry him. You don't just let a man with that many Olive Garden stories slip away.

No one can say what God really looks like, but these kids are sure going to give it a try.

WatchCut released this video of kids explaining what they think God looks like to an illustrator who drew what was being described no matter how weird, inappropriate or head-scratching it was.

Of course, anyone can interpret God however they'd like, but some of these picture are not flattering. Let's hope God is not feeling especially vengeful today.

Some kids went the traditional "guy with a long beard chillin' in a cloud" route.

While some interpretations look like your average next door neighbor out to fetch the paper.

Some kids had the illustrator draw God in their likeness.

One kid decided to give God a badass tattoo.

This I can't even explain.

And, finally, the pièce de résistance, a drawing of God as a lion-headed frog, and Jesus as a hexagon with an eye. Kids are weird, dude.

Look, guys. It's Friday. We've all been working extremely hard (and dealing with our weird co-workers) all week. I think we all deserve to watch an adorable baby animal video, don't you?

The Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical garden posted a video of a baby hippo named Fiona looking very zen while enjoying her morning shower to their Facebook page on Wednesday.

That is the happiest, chillest hippo I have ever seen in my life. She's probably experiencing super deep shower thoughts about how miraculous being alive is (or whatever it is hippos think about).

I feel much more relaxed now. When is nap time?

Some people, for whatever reason, religious or personal or any other thing that's absolutely none of our business, choose to wait until marriage to have sex. Depending on time spent dating and engaged, that's an awful lot of buildup of expectations. Newlyweds who are still virgins might be excited, or scared, or any combination of feelings. Over on Reddit, some no-bed-til-wed folks are sharing stories of what their first times were like. Overall? Probably not super wonderful on the very first try. But practice makes perfect!

1. It took a few days for Ranucolo and her husband to finally get the deed done.

My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We finally lost the V-card 3 days after the wedding.

On our wedding night, he couldn't get the right angle to get in and had a premature detonation. I was too shy to help guide him in. He said "Shit! I'm so sorry!" and then we went to sleep. Repeat for a few days until finally BOOM! It hurt for a second and it was over another second later. We've been married 10 years now, we're happy and have a good, healthy sex life. I think we're both rather easy going and found it rather funny. It helped that neither of us had high expectations that it was going to be magic the first few (50) times. We still tease each other about it now.

2. Openthread learned that if at first you don't succeed, just try, try again (like twenty minutes later).

My wife and I were both virgins when we got married. The first time was great and funny to look back on. I didn't even make it fully inside her before blowing my load but after 15-20 minutes we were right back at it and had better success. We went at it at least one other time that night and then were humping like rabbits as soon as we woke up the next day. So much sex that week...

3. Inexperiencedascrap savored the journey rather than the destination. Oh, and also the pizza.

I'd rate it a solid 10/10.

Not because of the sex. Because it was NOT the best sex ever. Not even close.

But because I enjoyed figuring out this new and really really SURPRISINGLY complicated thing with my husband. And it was enjoyable and fun despite not having mind blowing orgasms.

Also we ate a whole pizza in the huge Jacuzzi tub during the pre and post sexy times. I'd recommend that to everyone.

4. FingersMcGee14 and his lady had gotten so used to not having sex that they basically forgot (and keep forgetting) that it's a thing they can do.

It was ... fine. The most awkward part was that both of us forgot lube and texted the maid of honor, asking her to go to a store and get us some.

The big problem that we have is that we were together for 4 years before we got married so we got really good at not having sex. Even after being married for a few years we sometimes seem to forget that it is just a thing we can do instead of watching old Futurama or Top Chef.

5. DenSem had a bit of a rough start, but had a blast practicing.

Short, dissapointing, and shameful due to the duration.

Happy to report that practice makes perfect, and it's fun practicing.

6. There's no denying that BonquiquiShiquavius didn't have quite the ideal wedding night. Hey, sometimes it takes a while.

Man here, it was awful. Waited until married, new wife just got her period, and she was super emotional after all the wedding stuff. Plus she was a virgin too, so think super emotional, slightly painful, period sex that ended in less than 5 seconds. Second time next morning wasn't much better, except it lasted seconds longer.

Got much better after that. Still married 11 years later.

7. I_am_not_a_burrito's wife got herself ready using "expanders" she'd gotten from her OB/GYN—a little (or lot of) preparation can be a great thing.

My wife and I both waited until our wedding night. And I'm in the minority here, but it was honestly fantastic. We started out by always being honest about our expectations of sex, and what we wanted from it, both personally and for our relationship. A couple months before the wedding, she went to her OBGYN and told him her plan. He gave her something I've never seen before: a series of plastic "expanders" that increased in size....or basically, just cheap, plastic dildos that no one would ever actually use to stimulate themselves. They started out really small....like the size of a pencil...and increased in size to be about average penis size. So she basically stretched herself out beforehand. This resulted in a MUCH more pleasurable and pain-free experience for her. We also had a variety of condoms (ribbed, flavored, etc) and oils/rubs to use. My best friend had also given me some tips on how to make sure I didn't go too early. Which was very helpful. So now finally to the wedding night....the first time. We went to our hotel after the wedding, ordered Pizza Hut, she changed into lingerie, and I waited on the bed. We both got to know each other a bit more, and then had a great first time. We ended up doing it a couple more times throughout the course of the evening. She even woke me up in the middle of the night and asked if I was ready (that hasn't happened much since). So basically, if you're waiting, just be prepared, talk with each other about expectations, see your OBGYN, have lots of ideas of things you wanna try (and you're both on board with trying), and have fun.

8. The night of poptartburner's first time was truly a comedy of errors. Luckily, they had more than one night to get it right.

My wife and I both waited until marriage. Our first night was a disaster.

We actually got walked in on by strangers while we were stripping in our hotel room because the hotel switched our room last minute and forgot to give the other couple a different key.

It took me quite a while to get it up. I wasn't particularly nervous, I think the little guy was just shy. She said later she didn't even notice.

I spilled the entire bottle of lube in the middle of the bed.

Although it was kind of a disaster we were able to laugh about it and we still had fun and look back fondly on the night.

edit: Since a LOT of people are asking about it - We knew we were going to need lube because a side effect of her birth control is that it makes her very dry.

9. For GetOutTheWayBanana, the sex might have been a little disappointing at first, but being naked and together and married was anything but.

My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We were very excited, not only to have sex for the first time, but to get to live in the same house, go to sleep in the same bed, etc. Up until we got married, we never spent time alone together in his apartment or my dorm.

It wasn't as if we just had great sex immediately (I was painfully tight and also a bit fearful, and he couldn't last for very long) but that didn't really matter. We talked openly, and just spent time together and touched each other and enjoyed being together, and laughed a lot together (we played rock paper scissors for who would take their clothes off first!)

So honestly, the first night in terms of sex was pretty disappointing, but neither of us were disappointed because we weren't just looking forward to sex, we were looking forward to being married. And we were thrilled that we were finally married and got to live together!

By the end of the honeymoon we were better at just the literal mechanics of sex, and no less thrilled to be around each other and be married (and be naked!)

10. Olivia Newton-John will always hold a special place in bethesda1313's heart…and another one of her body parts, too.

My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I was a very plain 19 year old and he was 25 and never had the opportunity. Our wedding night was awesome and hilarious. When we got to the hotel, I put on my brand new silk nightgown and he turned on the radio. We started getting used to the new freedom when 'Let's get Physical' by Olivia Newton John came on the radio. We felt it was a sign and just went for it. We were giggling so much. We made love 3 times the first night and the same song came on during each session. It made it so memorable. It has been 35 years and that song atill makes us laugh and run to the bedroom. The sex is still awesome.

11. I-am-willow's first night wasn't great, and she admits it can be disheartening to wait so long for one thing and have it not go as planned.

My husband and I both waited until we were married.

But on our wedding night, I suppose from all the commotion and stress from the wedding, my husband came down with a high fever about the same time we made it to our hotel room. So we just ordered in a pizza and went to sleep.

The next day though, we gave it a whirl. Or tried, I should say.

I'm not entirely sure how much of it was because of our own inexperience and how much of it was because of my husband's disability (mild cerebral palsy) but we couldn't get it in. Tried and failed and switched positions and tried and failed until we gave up and just did other things.

Epic disappointment for both parties as far as having real sex goes...

Its like you wait your whole life for that one moment and then it just doesn't work out the way you had imagined. Lame.

But don't feel to bad for i-am-willow, because her story doesn't end there! She updated the post to include,

I think it was later that week when we actually figured it out. I vaguely remember both of us being so excited just to get it in that we didn't actually accomplish much else beyond that, haha.

But we're doing great now. Been married 5.5yrs and have 3 children. :)

12. Bakkerz12 has a lot of tips on how to make your first time (whether you're married or not) enjoyable.

Most of the top answers are overall negative so I thought I'd weigh in. Our first night was great. We both waited for marriage for personal reasons and had a great first night despite being a bit tired from the wedding day. While I recognize that everyone's experience is by nature different, I think that there were a few key factors: 1. We made it a goal to not be stressed on our wedding day. This was no small goal, we both have our own versions of anxiety. Anything that came up or could stress us out we instead focused on the other person. 2. Embrace the cringe. There's I guess some potential awkwardness if you've saved yourself, so embrace it and laugh when you're not sure what you're doing. It's fun, don't put outside pressure on yourself. 3. If you're trusting someone enough to marry them (all of the trust), then trust that you won't bemoan each other if things don't go perfectly your first time. Who cares? You'll have a lot of time to get better. Learn about what each other likes and doesn't like. It's just a normal part of marriage. 4. If you have expectations based on something you've seen in porn, get that shit out of your head right now. Especially when you're both virgins, none of that is going to work for you anyway. Such unrealistic expectations. 5. Stop reading this and stop worrying about it. You love this person. I'd hope you love this person when things aren't perfect (otherwise don't marry them), so don't worry about this. Have a fun night.

13. Mouthlove credits her good love life overall to having over a year buildup. Pleasure delayers!

Probably your average first timer situation (i.e. quick, a little painful for me, I didn't get much pleasure from it). Our honeymoon was basically non stop sex and experimenting though. The real win was having a year plus of sexual tension fueling our fun for.....well still to this day and we've been married 10 years. It never wore off.

We still get hot thinking about 'that one time we almost did it' (of which there were many such incidences).

Here's a story that'll make you face palm forever. A man in India recently made up an aircraft hijacking plot to get out of going on a trip with his "online girlfriend." Oh, he's also married. With a child.

According to CNN, 32-year-old Motaparthi Vamshi Krishna was arrested in the southern Indian city of Hyderabad on Thursday after he allegedly sent a hoax email about an aircraft hijack plot.

Police said that Krishna confessed to sending the email while he was being questioned. Apparently, his online girlfriend in Chennai wanted to take their relationship to the next level, and suggested a trip to Mumbai and Goa.

Krishna didn't have enough money to make the trip, but his girlfriend still really wanted to go. So, rather than just, you know, stay at home with his wife and child, Krishna came up with an elaborate scheme to sabotage the trip.

First, Krishna, who is a travel agent, created a fake plane ticket to send to his girlfriend. Then, he sent the email about the made-up hijacking plot.

According to CNN, Krishna claimed to be a woman who overheard six men plotting to hijack planes in Hyderabad, Chennai, and Mumbai in the email. Here's the full text:

hi sir am female here am doing this mail frim Hyderabad as i don't want to revel my details couse am a female and scared of issues, and mailing u this couse in the after noon around 2pm while having lunch there were 6 guys talking those guys are musclims, they were talking abt plane hijack tommarrow in Hyderabad chennai and Mumbai airport they were talking very slowly but unfortunately i heard few conversations abt this, they were saying all us 23 people have to split from here and have to board flights in 3 cities and hijack them at a time. They spoke some other things also but i couls not hear them as i heard only these few sentences from them, i dont know do am i doing correct or not and they are true or not but heard this so kindly go through this and as i informed this as a duty and a citizen of india and pls dont make me to get into issues

CNN reports that investigators tracked the IP address the email was sent from to an internet cafe. Using CCTV footage, they zeroed in on Krishna.

"He didn't have the money, but if he canceled because of that, it would have hurt his pride, and his friendship with the girl would've come to an end," B. Limba Reddy, the Deputy Commissioner of Police at the Commissioner's Task Force in Hyderabad, said at a press conference. "So, his thinking was that if the flight was to be canceled and it was because of the airport, he wouldn't be at fault."

Turns out he was very much at fault. CNN reports that Krishna has been arrested on four charges, including impersonation and providing false information.

Guys, if the person you're dating ever fakes an aircraft hijacking to get out of going on vacation with you, take it as a sign that they're just not that into it.

Daivon Reeder is a college student from Detroit, Michigan, whose stepdad apparently once told him it was "pointless to go to orientation" because he "wasn't going to graduate."

EXCUSE ME?!

This guy's stepdad sounds like a real jerk. But fear not, Reeder pulled off the perfect revenge. In a tweet that has since gone massively viral, he announced that he will be graduating this week with a degree in criminal justice and military science from Eastern Michigan University. But that's not all: he also updated us on how the ol' stepdad is doing and it's... not so great.

"My step dad told me it was pointless to go to orientation, I wasn't going to graduate.....4 years later he in jail & I'm well...." the student wrote, along with a photo of him wearing graduation garb and a HUGE smile. The tweet has since been shared over 92,000 times.

This story has all the ingredients for the perfect revenge: personal success. Punishment of the adversary. Viral attention. And support and solidarity from people all over the internet:

Reeder has received hundreds of messages congratulating him. But this might be the best one:

Regarding the overwhelming response to his tweet, Reeder told Buzzfeed he thinks his story is one people can relate to. "I really do appreciate all the support. It makes these last few years worth everything," he said. "I'm just a first generation college kid from Detroit trying to beat the odds. I guess people can relate to a humble beginning."

This guy's already killing it and he just graduated. I'd say the future is looking bright.