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The look on your face after learning that you're now the father of quadruplets.

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Well, there go the next couple decades.

See this face? This is the face of a man who just witnessed four tiny little human beings squirm out of his partner's womb and come tumbling into his life, bringing with them four times the trouble of one child. Four times the diapers. Four times the food. Four times the noise. Four times the rambunctiousness. Four times the anxiety. Four times the headaches.

But also four times the love.

But mostly four times the diapers, food, noise, rambunctiousness, anxiety and headaches.

My heart goes out to this guy.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


The Secret

Doctors find a sex toy that had been hiding in a woman's vagina for 10 years.

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Oh, that's where that went! (via Journal of Sexual Medicine)

A 38-year-old Scottish woman walked around for ten years with a sex toy up her vagina --  and she had no idea

According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the woman went to the hospital complaining of severe weight loss, shaking, lethargy and mild incontinence lasting for "a few weeks". Doctors then took an X-ray, revealing a foreign body pushing into the bladder from the vagina. When surgeons went in to operate, they removed a 5-inch sex toy. 

That's when the woman recalled a drunken night a decade ago with a partner, when she used that damn thing and couldn't remember whether or not she had taken it out. 

This terrifies me beyond the fact that this mistake had been life threatening. How could she not know it was in there? What if I have something in my vagina and don't know it? I lose pens and pencils all the time, and forget about how many of my socks go missing. Can objects just chill out in my lady hole undetected like that? Do I really have to wait a decade before my body finally alerts me to the location of my mail key?

Scientists say this is the longest known length of time for a sex toy to remain inside a woman like this, although there is a case of a 72-year-old woman having had a "foreign object" up there that neither she nor her doctors could figure out what it was. It had been vagina-ed unrecognizable. 

(by Myka Fox)

Happy accidents.

A family was removed from a flight over dad's tweet about a "rude" gate agent.

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F'd by Southwest. (via)

If you're ever having trouble contacting an airline's customer service representative, consider tagging them on Twitter. That's what a guy from Minneapolis found out recently after he and his kids were removed from a Southwest Airlines flight out of Denver because he tweeted about a gate agent who #blocked his ass from priority boarding. 

Duff Watson told ABC News, “I have been traveling with Southwest for a few years now, and I’m an A-list member.”  The agent told Watson that even though he's an A-list member and was free to board the plane, his kids were still considered D-list and were free to stand around like a herd of dairy cows with carry-on luggage.

Even though being an A-list member of Southwest Airlines sounds like being a VIP at Burger King, he earned the title by being a frequent flier, and claims that his kids have been able to board with him in the past. The gate agent wasn't hearing it, and refused to budge from her stance, which was probably one hand on her hip while wagging a finger on the other. She refused to tell Watson her last name, so he used her nametag on a Twitter blast, which read: "Wow, rudest agent in Denver. Kimberly S, gate C39, not happy @SWA.”

Considering that Watson has 265 Twitter followers, you'd think that would be the end of it. Turns out, Southwest Airlines follows their Twitter feed like a 16-year-old-girl with boy trouble, and weren't too happy about being called out. They responded by calling him out over the intercom and had him and his daughters removed from the plane.

Watson claims the agent deemed him and his attitude a "safety threat," and would only allow him back on the plane after he deleted his Tweet. He did, and he and his kids were able to catch their flight back to Minneapolis.

His Twitter feed is now hidden (typical A-lister!), but he reportedly continued to badmouth the airline after he was safely out of Denver. Enough so that a representative from Southwest called to offer him a $50 voucher, which he says will be donated to charity because he'll no longer be flying with them.

He'll still be treated like crap on occasion, just by another airline.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

On top

It's 5 months until Christmas, but the best nativity scene of the year has already been made.

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There was no room in the fridge.

Christmas came early for the Internet today, as a redditor unveiled his special named-Coke-can version of the classic nativity scene using cans sold in Mexico, where these four names are fairly common. There's so much to like about this photo, despite its simplicity. First of all, it confirms many people's suspicions that Jesus was a darker-colored can than centuries of European church doctrine have taught us. I mean, he could have used a white-and-blonde Caffeine-Free Diet Coke can, but that would have been the biggest sacrilege I can imagine (because that soda literally shouldn't exist. It's wrong). Finally, as many commenters on reddit pointed out, we can't see the top of Maria's can, so we'll just have to take it on faith that it was, indeed, unopened.

It's probably not a marketing ploy, since even Coca-Cola probably wouldn't try to appropriate a religion while making a joke about Hispanic names, all while being 5 months early. Probably. 

Merry Julymas, everyone.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Tiny cat loves its owner just a tiny bit too much.

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Who could resist these bedroom eyes?

Somewhere in Russia (I think) there is a leopard-printed Scottish Fold-looking cutie that loves its owner almost too much. It rubs its head and body desperately on the man's neck to gain his affection, but the stoic Russian is bent on continuing to play his video game. I don't know what the woman taking the video is saying, but its probably along the lines of, "Oh my god, this is so cute. Yuri, just love the cat already!"

I think he really does love the cat. It looks like he's going in for a kiss at 0:15.

And now, an important public service announcement:

(by Myka Fox)


If you ever meet Fabio in real life, he will totally let you do this to him.

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Coming soon from Harlequin: "Cleanup On Aisle Me." (via redditor The_Catalyst_89)

If you don't know who Fabio is, congratulations on turning three years old. The man, the myth, the butter-unbeliever and paperback romance novel cover model has been a fixture of housewives' fantasies and mens' hair envy for three decades now. He's also, by all accounts, a super nice dude. He's always been a good sport when it comes to poking fun at himself, and most importantly, if you meet him in person he will let you pretend to be on a romance novel cover with him. Male or female, young or old, Fabio will hold you gently (and briefly) in his strong, quiver-inducing arms. He's been visiting supermarkets recently to promote a protein powder he sells, so the Internet has been treated to a flood of swooning fans being embraced by protein king himself.


Fact: That is not a cardboard cutout. Fabio is really that perfect. (via redditor TunkaTun)

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Fact: Fabio has a last name. You don't need to know it, but he does. 
(via redditor The_Catalyst_89)

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Kensington Press presents: "The Pirate Who Ate My Muesli." 
(via redditor The_Catalyst_89)

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Fact: Fabio is 55. His hair is 4,543 years old, and will seek a new host when he dies.
(via redditor Ross6707)

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Fact: Fabio can cause any member of the infantry to become airborne.
(via redditor The_Catalyst_89)

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Fact: You, too, could have Fabio's physique if you lifted strangers all day.
(via redditor The_Catalyst_89)

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Myth: Your girlfriend "just" wants to do this for "laughs." (via redditor mickjazzer)

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Fact: Fabio's hair can replicate itself and attach clones to lesser humans. 
(via redditor The_Catalyst_89)

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Fact: Fabio doesn't tan. He's blushing, because he's shy. Shhh. (via redditor katyconti)

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Myth: Fabio's heart is as tamable as his hair. (via redditor The_Catalyst_89)

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New, from Danielle Steele: "My Husband Understands, It's Fabio."
(via redditor cantanope85)

Work around

A guy jumps into the middle of a golf course pond to evade the cops, a stupid-looking standoff ensues.

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I'm just trying to find my balls! (via Ada County Sheriff's Office)

Nathan M McCoy, 21, went to the cops to lodge a complaint that a woman had violated a restraining order he had put out against her. Not only was his complaint untrue, but in fact he was on probation himself -- for a stalking case. When police figured this out, McCoy took off in a sprint.

He raced away through some nearby homes in Eagle, ID, and the cops chased after him on foot for 15 minutes before McCoy jumped into the middle of a pond at Eagle Hill Golf course, near the 5th hole. That's when everyone participated in a very stupid-looking standoff.

After about half an hour, the cops convinced the stalker that swimming hours were over and took him into custody, where he was charged with probation violation, filing a false police report and resisting arrest.


Are his eyes red from crying, swimming, or drugs? It's anybody's guess!
(via Ada County Sheriff's Office)

Bad day for McCoy, but a good one for the golfers; Ada County Sheriff's Office reports that only one ball landed near the pond while they were there. 

(by Myka Fox)

Conan O'Brien's performance in 'Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda' should win him an Emmy.

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The Oscar clip. Also, the only clip.

Let this clip from from the upcoming Syfy epic film Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda stand as testimony to all the naysayers who nayly said that Conan O'Brien's major motion picture acting debut would be less than dignified. Or "cheesy," if you will. Well, watch this and see if it doesn't shut you up:  

You know, until just now I assumed that Matthew McConaughey had the Emmy for Best Actor in a Program About Lovecraftian Demon-Monsters wrapped up. But now I think this is gonna be a real competition.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This guy's insane "Don't message me if..." list on OK Cupid probably rules you out. He's that good.

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This is former "Bachelor" Jake Palmer, a sorry loser by comparison. (via)

First, the good news, ladies; the perfect man does exist. The bad news is that there's very little chance he'd be into you. Or anyone, really. He's that hot. And wise. And confident. Put simply, he's too good for you. So read his OK Cupid "Don't message me if..." list for entertainment purposes only. Otherwise, you'll be setting yourself up for heartbreak. Just like a woman named Emily, who received a message from this perfect stranger, only to have her dreams dashed after checking out his profile and realizing she didn't come close to making the grade.

She didn't get her man, but she did save his list of deal-breakers for tumblr, if only as a reminder that she was once in the electronic presence of perfection.

You're still here? How very sad.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Behold the majestic flapping of many dog jowls from car windows everywhere.

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Let this be your spirit animal.

Guys! it's been a tough week, hasn't it? I mean, there was all that stuff in the news, which was, like, super depressing. And then at work, your boss was all like, "You'd better do that thing," and you were all, "I would prefer not to," but then you did it anyway because, ugh, jobs, right? And then you got home and your spouse/partner/roommate went all "Here's stuff that we totally need to discuss," and you were just like, "Nooooo!!!!" Tough week! And we've still got all of Friday to get through.

Anyway, that's why I'm posting this video of a whole bunch of superchill dogs just sticking their heads out the car window of life. This is how we should all strive to make out way through life. With our heads in the wind and our jowls fully open, prepared to embrace the new day.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Hands free


The Goatee Acceptability Spectrum

Long lasting

Accidental text leads to best wedding photo ever.

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And that's where the conversation ended... until Saturday.

A bride-to-be decided to go the casual route by sending a group text when inviting people to her wedding photo shoot and BBQ. Somehow she managed to get a wrong number in there, and the stranger on the other end was not about to let her rescind the offer of BBQ and good times.

He did still come, he did bring friends, they did participate in the photo shoot. 

It's almost too perfect. The Internet discovered the photo through hackneysfinest Instagram account, from which the story, as well as the hashtag #WeStillComing, went viral:

Despite the fact that hackneysfinest was the person who first posted the image of the text, it is unclear if he was the recipient of the accidental invite, a BBQ attendee, or just the first person to get this photo out there. One thing that is clear, however, as evidenced by the hashtags on his photo, is that once you invite "his people" somewhere, it is on.

Of course, it is possible that this is just a beautifully planned hoax inspired by the Internet's love of all things "wedding" and "accidental," but maybe it really happened and this wedding brought together more than just two people. Maybe, just maybe, it brought together a wedding party and a group of strangers who are still coming. 

(by Myka Fox)

6 new contenders for the single most entertaining note ever written by a roommate.

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A stoner roommate could read that the wrong way. (via)

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.


Impressive, if he actually reached the milk.(via)



Why, when there's a perfectly usable sheet left?(via)



Too good to be mad about. Unless it's not head hair.(via)



Hope he likes cold pizza. (via)


That looks oddly delicious. Also, "honeys" count as roommates when they act like this.

(via)

Updated 6.05.14

The artist couldn't sign his work due to a broken hand. (via)


My instincts tell me that was no accident.(via)

Or, you could've just written "pay bills."(via)

A sign that you're probably too old to have roommates.(via)

"I could change the roll, or take out my phone and..."(via)

It's impossible to read that without hearing his voice. (via)

Updated 6.05.14


It's the thought that counts.(via)


Thanks for the pancakes, Mr. Pinkman.(via)


The man in the mirror is a huge dick.(via)


Yep, that says "puke."(via)


Even his notes stink. (via)


First line of the worst porno ever. (via)

Updated 5.05.14
 


Mistakes are life's tasty lessons. (via)


"Why yes, toilet paper roll, I -- dammit!" (via)


The old "How to Get Your New Roommate Naked with a Spider Note" trick.(via)


"Ew, ew, Captain."(via)


Good luck with that auto-erotic asphyxiation.(via)


TL;DR already packing my stuff.(via)

Updated 4/04/14


I guess the short answer is "maybe?" (via)


Great weed. Bad idea.(via)


You would, dick head.(via)


"Who's been slut-shaming my soda?" (via)


How many ways are there to use a plunger, Kevin? (via)


I've always wondered how to play craps. (via)

Updated 3/08/14


I bet this guy is high maintenance. (via


If a sock means "sex," I don't want to know what this is for.(via)

 


I've had roommates that would see this and think "pan roasted dove!"(via)

 


This message is probably more for the guys.(via)

 


Smart Water for a smart ass.(via)

 


How a true butthole pays his rent. (via)

Updated 1/08/14


Given a choice, I'd rather eat pizza that the cats nibbled on. (via)

 


Things can't be that bad if you're still getting wi-fi. (via)

 


If these get eaten it's time for a new roommate. (via)

 


Not bad, but it may get confusing when you try to store poops. (via)

 


It that's where they keep the milk, tossing it might not be a bad idea. (via)

 


Not cool. But at least you get to eat the Pixie Sticks. (via)

Updated 12/11/13:


Ouch. You just got out passive-aggressioned.


Um...are there drugs in it?

 


In this case, honesty is the weirdest policy.

 


Pretty nice of them to capture it, actually.

 


They don't. Someecards probably does, though.

 


No smiley face, Cindy?

Updated 11/13/13:


Also, boyfriends are like dirty clothes; don't leave yours on the floor.

 


"I feel more comfortable complaining about the notes by note."

 


I'm impressed it responds to anything at all.

 


Great method for dealing with lazy ant roommates.

 


Then I have to get my shit together enough to actually clean it. Two-three weeks?

 


Pretty cheap for either.

Updated 10/15/13:


You don't need to have roommates for this to be a terrific idea.

 


The most considerate possible reaction to finding your roommate peed all over the floor.

 


Seems like a much, much grosser solution than just flushing.

 


The spider was in the midst of writing his own tiny note:
"Got stuck in god damn cereal today...fuck."

 


Because pooping just isn't exciting enough.

 


Chris may be going to the gay club, but he likes boobs, you understand?

Updated 9/17/13:


Not sure that post-script was necessary.

 


Hunter, live up to your name!



Better than: "Give a call or you might see a ball."



He died as he lived: with power tools.



But evidently not magnetic poetry.



Yeah right, like anyone's gonna steal a Lean Pocket over a French bread pizza.

Updated 8/16/13:


With the cost of avocados today, that's only about a quarter for your trouble.

 


Please clean up your insects after yourself.

 


Ooh, burned by a white board meme.

 


Also I prefer to be called Reginald, thanks.

 


Now that's just common disgusting courtesy.

 


It's worth it! It's stifling in here!

Updated 7/22/13:


We wouldn't want to be part of such a hairy roommate arrangement.

 


Why write 3 separate notes when all your issues can be encompassed in one?

 



Beware. The spiders have their own tally.

 


Monday night is trashnacht.

 


Clint starts fires!



As far as we're concerned, as long as his penis only touched the outside, it's still good.

Updated 6/20/13:


Wait. We have a cat?

 


And bread and to come to terms with our parents' divorce.

 


We'd honestly prefer this type of sign to be set up on all tp-less toilets.

 


4. Have craziest night ever!

 


It's the number for his Murderers Anonymous group.

 


No matter how bad they are, we still want one.

 

Updated 5/24/13:


Unfortunately, that stuff looks like what's been on CNN every day.

 


"FapNapping" needs no translation.

 


So, I'll just leave the knives there...and this note you can't read in the dark.

 


We'd rather be hunted by teens than chase a spider.

 


Sorry. Cat available for petting trumps human in need of sleeping.

 


We stopped trusting you when you left us something to flush.

 

Updated 4/23/13:


This could work out really well for the boyfriend.

 


Aim for the head.

 


How does the artist know the shitter is jubilant?

 


Like that Al Pacino movie "Insomnia," except with smellier fingers.

 


She has loud sex that she has to apologize for AND access to cinnamon rolls? Want her life.

 


Doing dishes sucks. We'll take the cocks.

 

Updated 3/18/13:


Just do it, no matter what "it" may be.

 


Also enrolled you in a scientology course, hope that's cool!

 


No one is more concerned about Susie collecting cat piss than the cat.

 


Not going to try and prove you wrong.

 


Joe already gives his teeth Flintstone chewables. He shouldn't be doubling up.

 


Many roommates have lost themselves in the endless piss-seat loop.

 


Ben Kingsley was excellent in this kitchen.

 

Updated 2/8/13:


This is considerate, and it doesn't judge those who do want such things.

 


Who can keep from passing out long enough for a hot pocket to cook?

 


The roommate is staring at that last sip, checking his watch, waiting...waiting...

 


How can we add "or when you're awake" to the deal?

 


8:40, or, if you're into it, 8:45. Whatever works for you. I'm not a "rules" guy. Oops, vomiting.

 


Lease plainly states, "Write your 30 days notice on some cardboard before moving out."

 

Updated 1/14/13:


Jeff is bad at bribes.

 


11) No asking why I am this way. Just know that I have been hurt before and it won't happen again.

 


Raisin Bran tastes so much better carbonated.

 


High people tell the worst stories.

 


No wonder Michael's catch-phrase is "I prefer to stand."

 


Seems legit.

 


Thank God "Peanut butter 4 my balls" wasn't included in "Sandwich Stuff."

 

Updated 12/5/12:


I think you're confusing your your Sammy LJ roles but the point still stands.

 


Average male-female rooming ratio: 80% of the fridge belongs to female, 80% consumed by male.
 


Does her/his roommate only have one fork? That might be the larger problem.
 


That means you, Alex. I'm saving this spider for when I get up in the morning!!!
 


Let's just hope that there is an emergency and this person's life is improved by cleansing fire.

 


Thank you, Jay. Jaq? Jag? The point is, what a polite note of depravity.
 


Prophet Eric earlier prophesied a wrathful plague of deleted DVR episodes, and verily 'twas true.
 


And it was then Chris realized the Boyz would never advance 2 Men.
 

Posted 11/14/12:


Everyone spent the next few days walking very gingerly around the apartment.

 


And you thought younger generations don't send thank you notes anymore.

 


And from then on, Sajid would never wear underwear ever again.

 


T.J really likes to sleep if the main issue with someone peeing on the floor is the noise it makes.

 


Thanks Brendon. Enjoy...um..."Fagtown?"

 


Use the wings you've been given to fly far away by the end of the month.

 

Updated 10/8/12:

 

Nothing tears apart an apartment share like a baked good suicide.

 


If you have time to learn to read and write in English, you have time to clean your own puke.

 


Cockjuggling used to be big before Puppetry Of The Penis swept the nation.

 


He seems like a good listener.

 


Trickle down government is trickling really far.

 


In our day a sock on the door handle meant "I Hope You Die" but we were classier then.

 


Guess "All Of The Above" is fair game then?

 


Sad thing is the cashier at CPK wrote that.

 

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Droppings.

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