I woke up like this.

Gagan is an adorable six-year-old who just broke the world record for limbo skating under 39 SUVs. Didn't know that was a thing people did? Me neither, but Gagan has been training as a limbo skater since only three and a half years old. Still don't know what that means? Watch this video. 

Such a natural gift for doing something I never knew people did. Maybe I have a natural gift for it, too. I feel like i've also been splayed out like that on the floor at the more drunken times in my life. Next time someone sees me like that, don't call me a cab, just hand me some skates.

(by Myka Fox)

LG: Phones so light and small you can fit two in  your ass!

I don't know how nervous a person usually looks when they are using their colon as a toolbox, but this time it was enough to cause an investigation at the local prison in Ribeirao das Neves, Brazil.

André Silva de Jesus, 35, was attempting to visit the prison with a literal buttload of items, presumably for a friend on the inside, when he was stopped for "looking nervous." Prison guards did a thorough search and found the following items lodged up Jesus's butthole:

• Two cell phones

• Two batteries

• One pair of pliers

• Two drill bits

• Eight small hacksaws

• Five nails
• Three sim cards

Who the hell came up with that shopping list? That's a lot of stuff. 

I'm no handyman, but I'm going to assume the pliers were used to ply the cheeks wide enough to get all the other items inside, and then Jesus decided to keep them in there in case he needed help getting everything out. 

Not that I'm impressed, but I'm kinda impressed. I could probably only get one cell phone in my butthole tops. Maybe two. But definitely not the rest of that stuff. And for sure I wouldn't put hacksaws or nails in there -- nothing that was designed to shred or pierce, thanks. Maybe I'm just not believing in myself.

Apparently, Jesus was pretty far along the security process when he got caught. He managed to avoid his haul being detected by x-ray by claiming that he had a pacemaker, although officials are still disturbed he got as far as he did. The prison director has promised to determine exactly what happened by "opening an internal procedure." 

Indeed. 

Hopefully, he kept a complete list of everything in there, because sometimes when shoving things inside yourself, a person can forget. 

(by Myka Fox)

Meanwhile, the cat is hiding in the bushes.

As a dog owner, I'm unimpressed with most of the videos in the "dog goes crazy when family member returns" genre. Because most of those clips feature dogs acting exactly how a lot of dogs act when their owners return from the grocery store. Or say the word "treat." I could make the front page of reddit with a clip of me walking through the door wearing an army jacket with a sqeaky toy in the pocket.

This clip is the real deal. The Schnauzer absolutely loses when it sees a family member who's been away from home for two years, and is so overcome with joy that he passes out with excitement. (Note: no matter what you hear, the dog is fine. And loud.)

If you're worried that the dog was in some sort of distress, you're not alone. My dog started flipping out when I played this video, because it probably sounds like I'm watching a clip of a dog walking over a bed of thumbtacks.

The owners were also concerned about the schnauzer's well-being, and brought it to the vet, who gave the all-clear. Based on the video, the dog probably freaked a bit when it found out they were going for another ride.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Is this the face of a man who would really comment on his own "Wanted" poster? Yes.
(via Anne Arundel County PD)

Roger Ray Ireland has a criminal history dating back to 2002 and had recently violated the terms of his probation, resulting in a warrant for his arrest. The Anne Arundel County Police Department in Maryland decided to put his warrant on Facebook as part of their #WantedWednesdays social media campaign (which is clever, but very dystopian) to get Facebook users to help track down missing criminals. And one of them did: Roger Ray Ireland. Instead of a.) turning himself in and straightening the matter out, or b.) laying low for a while, Mr. Ireland went with c.) trolling police Facebook pages.

When neighbors and acquaintances began tagging Ireland's relatives, presumably to let them know their loser cousin was in trouble again, R.R. Ireland got a little angry, and also insisted that "Yall will never catch me and scotty G."

I do not get "cricket lover." Please explain.

Less than 24 hours later, police tracked Roger down in Baltimore by using social media and other leads. Anne Arundel County Police spokesman Lt. T.J. Smith, discussing the Ireland arrest with ABC2 news in Baltimore, said that the department has been thrilled with the success of #WantedWednesdays. "It's outside the box thinking," said Smith.

This is the second week they've tried posting the pictures of 5 wanted criminals, and 3 of them have now been apprehended. Smith attributed the success to the department's fans on Facebook, particularly the criminal ones: "We encourage anyone with outstanding warrants to continue following us on Facebook."

(by Johnny McNulty)

Quit staring at my locket, my boobs are down here. (via Twitter)

A 19-year-old UK mom took out an $8,500 bank loan to buy herself a huge pair of 32G breasts because, obviously, they will make her a better mother. 

Tamsin Wade from Suffolk was refusing to take her son Finley, 2, swimming, on play dates, or to after school clubs because she was so embarrassed by her tiny breasts. In her words: 

"I was unable to go swimming with Finley as I felt so self-conscious. I was forced to wear baggy clothes to hide my figure and getting into a bikini made me feel so uncomfortable that me and Finley had never been swimming. I started to shy away from going out at all as I just felt so bad about myself."

Sure, plenty of people, moms even, manage to show themselves in public without rocking killer cleavage, but she was never meant to have small tits! As she told the Daily Mail, "Before I had Finley my boobs were a 32D but the aftermath of being pregnant left me with double A’s."

So, it makes sense that she would get bigger boobs for the sake of her son, because, you know, it was kind of his fault. 

Since the surgery she has become the world's best mom.

"I felt so much better and immediately started joining mum and baby groups for me and Finley," she told the Daily Mail. "He loves them and I love spending quality time with him."

Sure, she's paying about $250/month to pay off her parenting aids, but she is sure they are worth it. Now that she has huge boobs she can plan to travel abroad with her son and "wear skimpy clothing" like she was meant to. And her relationship with her boyfriend Joe Johnson, 26, has improved as well.

"He is thrilled with the results, too."

It's great that there are still men out there who care about parenting. 

(by Myka Fox) 

1. Wikipedia Bans U.S. Congress From Screwing With Articles The Way It Screws With People

Following the creation of @congressedits—a Twitter feed that catalogues all changes made to Wikipedia articles that come from the U.S. House of Representatives' ISP address—administrators of the online public-sourced encyclopedia have instituted a 10-day ban on the national lawmaking body's ability to contribute to the website.

That anonymous Congressional Choco Taco Wikipedia edit (https://t.co/WG5xyCa41T) was to clarify that it's American. pic.twitter.com/F4hlKaUB2v

— Joe Veix (@joeveix) July 23, 2014

2. Now This Whole Global Warming Thing Has Gone Too Far — Chocolate Prices To Rise A Few Percentage Points

Hershey's and Mars—two of the world's leading manufacturers of chocolate—have announced that they are raising the prices of their products by 8 and 7 percent, respectively, due to the rising costs of cocoa beans brought on by global warming. Well, we probably needed a tragedy like this to make average Americans take notice of anthropogenic climate change.

Chocolate prices are rising due to a cocoa bean shortage and because they finally figured out lonely women will pay anything

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) September 29, 2013

3. Luc Besson's 'Lucy' Utilizes 99 Percent Of Its Potential Craziness

Though it's only scoring a 61 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes at present, something approaching 100 percent of all critics agree that the Luc Besson-directed Scarlett Johansson vehicle is propulsively insane and never boring. According to Salon's Andrew O'Hehir: "Does it make sense? Not at all. Is it boring? Not that either."

Best part of the movie Lucy is when she yanks the football away from Charlie Brown using only her mind.

— John Moe (@johnmoe) July 25, 2014

4. Luke Skywalker Will Have A Beard, And Other Things We'll Count As News Since We're So Excited About The New 'Star Wars'

While appearing at the UK premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, actor Mark Hamill opened up about how excited he is to be stepping back into the guise of Luke Skywalker after three decades. "It was certainly unexpected. I already had a beginning, middle and end. I never thought we'd come back," Hamill told the BBC. "To go on to those sets that evoked so many memories. It is just astonishing... We are just there to lend our support and grow contractually obligated beards," Hamill explained.

Okay, so turns out "Mark Hamill has a beard in Episode VII" is the where I stop being excited about "Star Wars" news.

— Alex Zalben (@azalben) June 7, 2014

5. Study: Sitting On The Couch And Watching TV Like A Fat Blob Is Not Great For Your Self-Esteem

Some groundbreaking German and Dutch researchers have discovered that people who plant themselves in front of their televisions to watch reality television immediately after getting home from work tend not to feel as good about themselves as people who opt against placing themselves in a state of catatonia for several hours at the end of their day.

My earliest memory is of me watching TV a year ago.

— calehartmann (@calehartmann) July 21, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Today Camp Rockmont, tomorrow the world!

At first, this looks like footage smuggled out of a secret camp for aspiring dictators. It's actually Camp Rockmont, a Christian summer camp in North Carolina.

The 15-month-old in charge must think this crowd of 500 boys is either easily lead or easily amused. Or, that he's the most charismatic toddler in world history. Regardless, little leader took to his new position as Camp Overlord pretty quickly when he was given the opportunity to lead the crowd in an an adorable obedience training exercise.

It's a cute video, but the parents should pray that the experience doesn't go to his head, because it could become a real problem when he hits his tyrant twos.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Above and beyond the tolerance levels of that piece of wood.

The Congressional Medal of Honor is the highest military honor the U.S. government can bestow, and it's not awarded often. So, perhaps it's not a surprise that they end up in the hands of individuals whose hands are too strong to handle lesser things, such as the gavel used to open and close the New York Stock Exchange. 

Opening the exchange is a rite of passage for people whom America deems heroes, so when President Obama this week awarded the Medal of Honor to former Army Staff Sgt. Ryan M. Pitts for holding an outpost by himself in Afghanistan against 200 insurgents during the battle of Wanat in 2008, an invitation from the NYSE to close the market on Wednesday arrived shortly thereafter. Medal of Honor recipient or no Medal of Honor recipient, I don't know if he's coming back.

The stock market will be closed until a new one can be found.
(via Mashable)

Amazingly, the good-natured grin that the 28-year-old Pitts gives his friend is almost as impressive as his accomplishments. 

(by Johnny McNulty)

Bet you can't figure out what this goat is doing in the video!

Low on cash? Surely you must have some friends with money, why not get some of that? You don't even need to rob them or "borrow" it. 

In about 3 minutes, you can learn Quirkology's 10 little bets that your stupid friends will be too dumb to pass up, and the title guarantees that you will always win!

I bet your friends had such a fun time losing money on these bets that they won't even notice you've stolen their jewelry and slept with their moms!

(by Myka Fox)

Fey and Dratch, stars of 'Dratch & Fey'

So, you know how your friends are always trying to get you to come out and see their sketch comedy show upstairs at McGinley's Pub? (What's it called this time? Movable Beast? Or is that the last one? Maybe it's Radioactive Child.) Well, you might wanna relent one of these times and go see what it's like. Don't get me wrong, it's probably terrible. But there's a slim chance that maybe it's not. Maybe it's a sketch show that will end up running for a couple years in a couple different cities. Maybe it will help one of your friends establish herself as one of the biggest names in the comedy world, while helping your other friend achieve a pretty decent nothing-to-be-ashamed-of career of her own

Case in point, here's a VHS transfer of a performance of Dratch & Fey, the critically-acclaimed two-woman sketch show written and performed by Rachel Dratch and Tina Fey, which went up at Chicago's Second City and New York City's UCB Theater in 1999 and 2000. The image and sound quality aren't great, but the humor quality is nonpareil. Maybe your friends' show is as good as this. (Don't count on it.)

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"Did the flash go off?"

No, this video of a couple almost being struck by lightning does not mean that God hates selfies. If that were the case, the Kardashian house would've been overrun by a swarm of locusts years ago. Bieber would never have made it out of his teens. What God frowns on are people without enough sense to get out of the rain during an electrical storm. 

Even if you happen to be on vacation in Akumal, Mexico and wearing your sexiest goggles.

FYI, God also doesn't like fibbers! So if this video was faked in order to promote the Mexican equivalent of Jimmy Kimmel Live, I hope the television studio gets hit by a swarm of Kardashians.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

I wonder if she left it there because the gears were stripped.

I'm pretty impressed with how far this Russian lady is willing to go to saving her car from being impounded. I've been in similar situations a few times back when I was younger and stupider and broker and still trusted myself to own a car, and I never went beyond pathetic pleading followed by drunken brooding. But this woman, wow! She's really dedicated to not having to take the bus out to the city pound. I really admire this level of civil avoidance.

Unfortunately, all her stripping and dancing was for naught. They still dragged the car away. But hopefully she was able to raise some singles for the release fee.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

I know I'm wading into the shit here. Every scuzzwad "blogger" with two fingers and a ride to Kinko's is scraping together the 80-120 words they know to slap out a post about this limp li'l trailer for a book that stopped being any fun to make jokes about in 2004, seven years before it even came out (disinterest keeps me from Googling when Fifty Shades actually came out). You know those timelapse videos of the rabbit corpse that bloats, collapses, and swarms with maggots? Trailer bloggers are those maggots, but with SEO.

Me, though, I've got the soul of an entrepreneur. While the puppies yap around your ankles desperate for traffic and a headscratch, I'm running with the big dogs with elk blood on my muzzle, because this carnivorous motherfucker is the only one with the billiards-worth of balls to bring you a write-up of the Fifty Shades trailer with real goddamn shades.

AW, YEAH

AW, FUCK YEAH.

IT'S TOO! TOO! TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!

WOWIE-ZOWIE.

Look, okay, there's scraping the bottom of the barrel, and there's licking the residue the barrel scrapings left behind, and there's me, trying to slurp flavor off the tongue of the beautiful psychopath who's going around licking barrelbottoms. It's appropriate this trailer's based on a book, because it's got the dynamism and visual chops of a book trailer. You could slam back your cousin's entire Adderall prescription and still lose interest in this trailer before the pre-video ad's over. It's got the sizzle of a Dixie cup of stale coffee spilled on the linoleum floor of an optometrist's waiting room. The only jazz anywhere to be found here is a poster in the background of Johnny Hardbody's Fuck Elevator.

These two getting hot and heavy are just the blandest little blanket buddies, and their names are Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, the sorts of name ordinarily reserved for secondary X-Men characters or amateur pornsters. She works for The Newspaper; he jogs while brooding hard enough to overcome the endorphins as he contemplates on his Glowerman's Deluxe Pleasure Chamber™, chock full of Castro leather and repurposed REI equipment. The joke, though, is that they're anything other than totally adorable and hairless and pale and slippery. Sure, they're goofing each other with riding crops and, I don't know, yardsticks, but Christ, look at them. These two fucking seems about as dangerous as a wine glass on a Tempurpedic.

We never see them fuck here, but you can so readily imagine what these two fucking is like. These two fucking sounds like popping a Snapple cap. These two fucking sounds like an underfilled water balloon bouncing off a windshield. These two fucking sounds like playing "Blurred Lines" through iPhone speakers under a duvet. These two fucking looks like the instructions for an IKEA TV stand. These two fucking looks like ravioli at a rolling boil. These two fucking looks like a golf clap. These two fucking sounds like someone licking batter off the beater. These two fucking smells like expired Febreze in a hot Honda. These two fucking looks like a girlfriend named Peg side-by-side comparing drapes. These two fucking looks like cream Converse in a dryer. These two fucking looks like footage from a GoPro in a butter churn. These two fucking looks like someone dropping a pouch of gel pens. These two fucking looks like folding an air mattress. These two fucking smells like a turkey burger in the microwave. These two fucking sounds like, "Is Pepsi okay?"

Every time these two fuck, a Carleigh gets her learner's permit. Every time these two fuck, a participation ribbon is clipped to a minifridge. Every time these two fuck, a BlackBerry Torch falls into a glass of Fresca. Every time these two fuck, someone says "spritzer." That's probably their safe word, "spritzer." Every time these two fuck, Dave Grohl hiccups. Every time these two fuck, someone pockets a bottle of hotel conditioner. Every time these two fuck, someone forgets to add the cheese packet to Kraft macaroni. Every time these two fuck, a bead store opens across the street from another bead store. Every time these two fuck, a Connect Four game ends in a tie. Every time these two fuck, a wolf is systematically inbred over thousands of years to produce a dachshund whose belly scrapes the sidewalk because its legs are just too short. Every time these two fuck, you wake up in your childhood bed.

Anyway, there's a Beyoncé song in there too. You like her.

TWO STARS DUE TO FUCK YOU "I'M INCAPABLE OF LEAVING YOU ALONE" HIRE A GODDAMN THERAPIST YOU LOADED MARGARINE BOY, YOU STRETCH ARMSTRONG LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER. LORD.

(by Dan Abromowitz, images by Cole Mitchell)

Don't say "purrfect," don't say "purrfect." Dammit. Purrfect. (via)

If the Internet loves one thing, it loves selfies. Either that, or it loves connecting strangers so they can be weird with each other. It also really loves crappy MS Paint style illustrations a lot more than you would expect. Now, however, there's no need to choose, because all those potentially awkward things have been combined in an app that lets a stranger artistically re-interpret your selfies. "French Girls" takes its name from the famous Titanic line, but unlike that scene, the selfies themselves are SFW. What the artists draw in return, however, can be a bit more unpredictable. It's still the Internet, after all. Here are some of the best ones that have ended up on reddit.

Sometimes, they're really lovely. (via)

Most of the time, people get what they were secretly asking for. (via)

Alpacas do hate broccoli. It gets stuck in their braces. (via)

This drawing could be a children's book for the next generation of nightmares. (via)

I don't know, I think that second one might be Photoshopped or something. (via)

Coming soon from Pixar. (via)

My only criticism is that his shirt should have yellow stripes. (via)

#NoFilter #JustRolledOutOfTheStableLikeThis (via)

The awful truth. (via)

Purrfect. I don't care if that doesn't fit here. (via)

See way more from u/TomSennett on reddit or at French Girls.

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. BuzzFeed Fires Its Viral Politics Editor For Not Holding Up Site's Rigorous Standards Of Originality

BuzzFeed announced that it has fired its Viral Politics editor Benny Johnson after discovering "41 instances of sentences or phrases copied word for word from other sites" without attribution, the site's editor-in-chief Ben Smith stated in editor's note yesterday. The decision was presumably a difficult one, and could just as easily have entailed a promotion and raise.

Against my wishes, I now know the name of a Buzzfeed person

— Erik Tanouye (@toyns) July 26, 2014

2. 'Batman vs. Superman' Director Reveals The New Xena: Warrior Prin— Er, I Mean Wonder Woman

Immediately after participating in a panel discussion on the upcoming DC superhero crossover film Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice, filmmaker Zach Snyder tweeted out an incredibly underwhelming image of Gal Gadot as she will appear as Wonder Woman in the film. It is unclear whether this is the final costume design, or if they're still working on ways to make it more generic. 

— ZackSnyder (@ZackSnyder) July 26, 2014

I keep forgetting that Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are all entirely gray and brown.

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) July 26, 2014

3. Congress Passes Bill That Allows People To Do What They Want With Their Stuff

A bill which allows you to unlock your cell phone from and use it with whatever wireless provider you choose—almost as though it were your own private property that you paid for with your own money—has now passed both houses of the U.S. Congress and is awaiting the President's signature.

"I finally got an iPhone but life remained unchanged." -my suicide note

— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) July 26, 2014

4. HBO Unveils A Whole Bunch Of New 'Game Of Thrones' Characters Who Will Probably All Be Dead By The End Of Next Season

In a newly released promotional video, the creators of HBO's Game of Thrones fantasy television series have revealed a large chunk of the new cast members that fans will be falling in love with—and subsequently mournings the disturbingly violent deaths of—in the show's fifth season next year.

Just took the "Which Game of Thrones Character Are You?" Quiz on Showtime's website. Winds up I'm Nurse Jackie.

— Mike Spiegelman (@Spiegelmania) July 6, 2014

5. Would Joaquin Phoenix Make Doctor Strange Seem Too Weird?

Academy Award-nominated actor Joaquin Phoenix is reportedly in consideration to play cosmic sorcerer Doctor Strange—protector of Earth against all threats, either magical or mystical in origin—in an upcoming cinematic adaptation of the character's cult Marvel comic book series. You've got to wonder, though, if the idiosyncratic actor wouldn't be bringing something a little too otherworldly for the a role like this.

Joaquin Phoenix is maybe Doctor Strange and Scarlett Johansson is Black Widow! ::breaks hands trying to edit "Her" into fake trailer::

— Alex Zalben (@azalben) July 25, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)