Here's a map of the richest person in every state. Let's get 'em!

July 31, 2014, 3:41 pm

≪ Previous: A woman's beer cup got obliterated by a home run ball. See ya!

(Click map to enlarge)

In the past, to know who had all the money, we could only click through an informational slideshow from Forbes, which really didn't give us any more than their name, face, and whatever crap they did to get so rich. Now thanks to Movoto, we not only know who the richest people in America are, but we know where they live! This is going to come in real handy when the impending class war turns violent. We're going to need to know whose mansion to hit first when everything devolves to torches and pitchforks.

You can see the interactive map with popup info at Movoto.

And be sure to take a peek at our own, not-at-all-researched map of the biggest secrets every state is hiding.

(by Bob Powers)

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Free use.

July 31, 2014, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: Baby deer won't let guy in hardhat stop rubbing its belly.

≪ Previous: Here's a map of the richest person in every state. Let's get 'em!

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Baby deer won't let guy in hardhat stop rubbing its belly.

August 1, 2014, 4:35 am

≫ Next: Carefully worded.

≪ Previous: Free use.

I crave your caress, human.

As the intro narration explains it, these soft-hearted hunks in construction hats found a baby deer and gathered it away to protect it from being hurt by a falling tree. They started rubbing its belly, and now they can never stop. Ever.

Some commenters argued that the deer doesn't love the belly rubs, but becomes submissive when on its back, and when they turn it over it's yelling for its mother and trying to wriggle free. Some commenters ruin everything. DEER HEARTS BELLYRUBS!!

(by Bob Powers)

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Carefully worded.

August 1, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: Guess how much money Kim Kardashian is going to make from that video game you guys won't stop playing.

≪ Previous: Baby deer won't let guy in hardhat stop rubbing its belly.

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Guess how much money Kim Kardashian is going to make from that video game you guys won't stop playing.

August 1, 2014, 6:57 am

≫ Next: Breaking fast.

≪ Previous: Carefully worded.

I got Kardashianwood.

Kim Kardiashian has worked so very, very hard in Hollywood to make herself the success she is today.

LOL.

And now, her game, Kim Kardiashian: Hollywood, the one that you won't stop playing, lets you experience what its like to work very, very hard in Hollywood. To make her a success.

How much of a success? Thanks for looking up from your Kim K: Hollywood game to ask!

The NY Post reports that, thanks to her 30% - 40% cut of the game's $200 Million projected yearly revenue, Miss Hollywood will be making $60 - $80 million a year.

$60 million. To $80 million. In US dollars. Per Year. Because you are playing her video game.

If anyone has beaten the game yet, will you let me know if it ends with creating an app that other people play that generates $60 - $80 million a year, causing an infinite money-making loop?

She deserves that money!

After all, you worked hard for it.

So very, very hard.

(by Myka Fox)

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Breaking fast.

August 1, 2014, 8:02 am

≫ Next: First position.

≪ Previous: Guess how much money Kim Kardashian is going to make from that video game you guys won't stop playing.

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First position.

August 1, 2014, 8:31 am

≫ Next: Grown out.

≪ Previous: Breaking fast.

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Grown out.

July 31, 2014, 9:31 am

≫ Next: 17 stupid people on Facebook who will never, ever learn.

≪ Previous: First position.

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17 stupid people on Facebook who will never, ever learn.

August 1, 2014, 5:37 am

≫ Next: Keep in check.

≪ Previous: Grown out.

But you even spelled "tattoo" wrong.(Via)

Sometimes when you log onto Facebook, you feel like the new principal in the movie about the run-down high school, and you're the one who's going to turn these kids around and teach them the value of an education. But Facebook isn't like the movies. The more you reach out, the more obstinate people become. The best you can do is let them make their mistakes and hope they learn from them, even though you know they never, ever will.

Doesn't exist? But I saw him on the TV? He was getting mad ass! (Via)

.

Yes, Stephanie, this is generally what will happen when you click "Upload" on a picture of your boobs. Now just give Xavier another minute. (Via)

This was like watching a brain die mid-update.(Via)

Ignorant, bad education, full of vapid bluster. Sadly, Kelsey, you are the new America. (Via)

But when they do get rescued, they'd probably love a trip to Niagara Falls. (Via)

Anyone pissed that Americans get a bad rep overseas, blame these butts. (Via)

She's so in love, time bends in on itself and creates layers. (Via)

That's nothing, on Foursquare he just became "Mayor Of My Homie's Hideout." (Via)

Coincidentally, that's what your English teacher committed when he saw this.(Via)

Who has time for math? They have 3 and a half beers to finish! (Via)

Could you try and increase Dustin's limit? A bunch of us want to go to Key West this weekend.(via)

Relax Nick. In the grand scheme of things, we all die as nothing. (Via)

Hopelessness. (Via)

Cool. The world will be over your house to access your hard drive later today. (Via)

He skipped the class when they learned what class they were taking.(Via)

Here endeth the lesson.(Via)

(by Bob Powers)

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Keep in check.

July 31, 2014, 8:16 am

≫ Next: What your Facebook friends are trying to tell you with their inspirational quotes, Vol. 2.

≪ Previous: 17 stupid people on Facebook who will never, ever learn.

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What your Facebook friends are trying to tell you with their inspirational quotes, Vol. 2.

July 31, 2014, 12:50 pm

≫ Next: Stephen Colbert gives some very smart advice to teenage girls about sex, harassment, and Dads.

≪ Previous: Keep in check.

Facebook is full of people who love to communicate through uplifting quotations that often leave the rest of us confused. If we're to learn anything from a proverb about rivers dropped the morning after an argument at a 5th anniversary party, it's that people need to stop hiding behind new age phrases, and go back to using their own words.

With that in mind, here are 10 more quotations, translated back to American English, that may help you to better understand what your friends on Facebook are trying to tell you.

You can see more inspirational translations here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

(designed by Cole Mitchell)

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Stephen Colbert gives some very smart advice to teenage girls about sex, harassment, and Dads.

August 1, 2014, 8:51 am

≫ Next: Woman calls the cops to complain about the quality of her meth.

≪ Previous: What your Facebook friends are trying to tell you with their inspirational quotes, Vol. 2.

America's favorite fake pundit just became America's favorite real dad.

Everyone getting ready for Stephen Colbert to stop pretending to be Bill O'Reilly and start being himself when he takes over for Letterman? This clip won't offer any glimpse of the comedian hiding behind the screaming bald eagle, but it will give you a glimpse of the dad you wish would've raised you.

In this rare not-in-character appearance, Colbert took part in Rookie Magazine's "Ask A Grown Man" series to answer letters from teenage girls. His thoughts on boys harassing girls, girls shacking up with boyfriends while still being dependent on their parents, and how to deal with mean boys in general are so on point, even Papa Bear O'Reilly would tip his forehead wrinkles out of respect. Though Colbert concedes after his second response, "I'm sure that answer did not go over great with everyone, but, what do you want."

We want more of this.

If Late Night hosts were a family, Letterman's been the granddad for a while. Fallon's pretty much the over-sugared little brother, and Kimmel's the loud uncle everyone fights to not sit next to at dinner. It's time to welcome Stephen Colbert, the official Dad of Late Night TV.

(by Bob Powers)

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Woman calls the cops to complain about the quality of her meth.

August 1, 2014, 9:04 am

≫ Next: Almost there.

≪ Previous: Stephen Colbert gives some very smart advice to teenage girls about sex, harassment, and Dads.

Rough week: betrayed by her dealer and the cops.

Lynette Rae Sampson was was just doing some meth when it struck her, she'd had better meth before. Someone has been messing with her meth.

Not one to be ripped off, she called the cops to investigate. They would be able to tell how pure her meth was, and, bonus, if she had been ripped off, now she had some pros to handle her case.

According to an Enid, OK police affidavit, Officer Aaron Barber went to her house to investigate. When he got there, he knocked on the door, and Sampson greeted him with, “I’m glad you came.”

Niceties out of the way, she told him that she was concerned her "ice" was not up to snuff, then promptly led him to her stash -- a tin container, a couple bags of "quarters" (as in quarters of ounces? as in she hides her laundry money buried in her meth? we don't know!), and a hollowed out lightbulb -- all full of distressingly impure crank Sampson was certain had been "laced."

Relieved that she had an expert on the case, she was free to retire to the living room to sweat profusely and hear voices.

When officer Barber asked Sampson if she had been doing the meth, she told him she had smoked some of it a couple hours ago, but asked him to please not take her to jail.

Of course, the cop betrayed her trust and arrested her. Now she is facing a felony charge of possession and a misdemeanor for the paraphernalia, which could land her in the slammer for up to ten years and a fine of up to $5,000 on the felony.

Enid police Capt. Jack Morris said, "such cases are what keep police work interesting."

So keep that tip with you, the point where being interesting becomes a crime is meth.

(by Myka Fox)

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Almost there.

August 1, 2014, 9:16 am

≫ Next: Facebook went down briefly today. Here's how the world reacted.

≪ Previous: Woman calls the cops to complain about the quality of her meth.

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Facebook went down briefly today. Here's how the world reacted.

August 1, 2014, 9:29 am

≫ Next: Summer activity.

≪ Previous: Almost there.

The horror.

Not sure if you heard the news, but Facebook was down today. Inaccessible, a mirage. A void where once there was connection. People took it...well.

Is Facebook down?? What if someone from high school got fat and I don't know about it??
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) August 1, 2014

Facebook has been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone is having babies, eating food, eating babies, etc.
— Schindizzle (@Schindizzle) August 1, 2014

Just a heads up, Facebook is down so expect a call any minute from your weird aunt.
— Drew Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) August 1, 2014

The media did what they could to address concerns...

This is the world we live in now (via @jordan327) pic.twitter.com/RDmAeez9J4
— Mic (@micnews) August 1, 2014

You're not going crazy: Facebook is down http://t.co/ijYyKTsTAq pic.twitter.com/grxtvczNEs
— Gizmodo (@Gizmodo) August 1, 2014

Some people imagined the worst...

THE YEAR IS 2016. FACEBOOK DOWN FOR TWO YEARS NOW. AMERICA'S NEW MOMS ROAM THE STREETS. IS MY BABY PRETTY? THEY SAY. PLEASE LIKE MY BABY.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) August 1, 2014

#facebookdown This $600 smartphone is now worthless.
— Crutnacker (@Crutnacker) August 1, 2014

My Facebook is still down & I'm getting a really odd error message. pic.twitter.com/SloFeLT0ES
— Jason Gore (@sonicdork) August 1, 2014

Others looked to the bright side...

Yesterday on a whim I bought shares of stock in "tweets about Facebook being down" and now I'm rich!
— John Frusciante (@JohnJFrusciante) August 1, 2014

If Facebook stays down, the internet is better... Right?
— Kevin Hines (@kevhines) August 1, 2014

Tip: If you are listed as “Married” or “In a Relationship” on Facebook, you can commit as much adultery as you want while the site is down
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) August 1, 2014

There were suspicions of foul play...

Yeah right. Facebook is just pretending to be down, you guys. Don't fall for it. #AnotherPsychologyExperiment #BoyWhoCriedwolf
— @midnight (@midnight) August 1, 2014

Facebook message: "Facebook is currently down as we install a massive surveillance program designed with the NSA. Thanks for your patience."
— DJ Gallo (@thatdjgallo) August 1, 2014

But in our darkest hour, hope prevailed...

Facebook is down. We will rebuild. #facebookdown
— Andrea Barber (@andreabarber) August 1, 2014

To get back up to speed on the kind of stuff the world missed during this brief interruption, check out 17 stupid people on Facebook who will never, ever learn.

(Other people's tweets gathered by Bob Powers)

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Summer activity.

August 1, 2014, 9:30 am

≫ Next: Ryan Gosling cries after sex says lucky girl who got cried on by Ryan Gosling after sex.

≪ Previous: Facebook went down briefly today. Here's how the world reacted.

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Ryan Gosling cries after sex says lucky girl who got cried on by Ryan Gosling after sex.

August 1, 2014, 10:01 am

≫ Next: Hairy situation.

≪ Previous: Summer activity.

Sometimes life is so beautiful, I just can't handle it. (via Getty Images)

So, some "curvy blonde" wrote to The Star to brag about how she got selected by sexiest man alive Ryan Gosling at a nightclub to be his lady for the evening.

She said, “He was the best lover I’ve ever had.”

Yes. Nice.

But then...

“I thought I heard him sniffling,” she said. “Then I realized he had tears gushing down his face. I asked if he was all right, and he said he gets emotional sometimes.”

Maybe he realized he just had sex with the kind of girl who would run right out and tell a gossip rag if he did anything weird.

What a selfish monster, getting to experience this lovely man for herself, and then behaving in a way that would discourage him from doing it again. I know he is about to get married to Eva Mendez, but what about the other sweet sexy feminists out there? This is a bad precedent to set.

I feel bad for the guy. Am I a sap? I texted my friend to see what she thought.

Oh well.

But don't worry, ridiculously hot sensitive men. If you sleep with me I won't tell your tear-stained secrets.

I'll just share them if I hear them from someone else.

(by Myka Fox)

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Hairy situation.

August 1, 2014, 10:13 am

≫ Next: Bedroom skills.

≪ Previous: Ryan Gosling cries after sex says lucky girl who got cried on by Ryan Gosling after sex.

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Bedroom skills.

August 1, 2014, 11:25 am

≫ Next: A couple of teenagers turned their living room into a swimming pool when their parents went out of town.

≪ Previous: Hairy situation.

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A couple of teenagers turned their living room into a swimming pool when their parents went out of town.

August 1, 2014, 11:32 am

≫ Next: 16 ways to feel like a kid again.

≪ Previous: Bedroom skills.

In Russia, good idea has you.

Hey kids! Are your parents around? Get them out of the room. I'll wait...

....

.....

They gone?

YOU CAN TURN YOUR LIVING ROOM INTO A SWIMMING POOL!!!!!!

Some teens in Russia realized that the only thing standing between themselves and an indoor swimming pool was the presence of their parents and the absence of a bunch of polyethylene film. Once their parents went out of town it was on. They taped up a bunch of the film to "waterproof" their house, making sure to cover the furniture and the radiator, and then filled their living room a couple feet high with cool, refreshing pool water.

Success!

Then they uploaded a bunch of pics of their feat to Russian social media, but don't worry. They weren't dumb enough to include their names or address. So smart!

Not my floral wallpaper, not my problem.