Working as a tour guide is not for the faint of heart, or those lacking in patience. Your job is essentially a mash-up of several jobs: storyteller, historian, navigator, and unfortunately, babysitter for very stupid and entitled people.

Luckily, the majority of people going on tours are curious visitors who want a peep into the history and culture of a city. However, it only takes a few bad eggs to make a story, and there are more than a few bad eggs who fall under the umbrella of tourist.

In a recent Reddit thread, tour guides from across the world shared the worst things they've seen tourists do, and it's a veritable nightmare.

1. el_schkwappo literally had to save tourist teens from their own stupidity.

"About 15 years ago, I worked as a deckhand on a line of boats that took people out to Fort Sumter. The trip was about an hour each way. One day, we were about halfway there and two teenagers decided it would be fun to jump off and try to swim to shore."

"This is in Charleston harbor, which has a pretty solid tidal current, lots of boat traffic, and probably more sharks than one would like to think about."

"We ended up having to perform a water rescue on them. Then continued on to the fort, with the Coast Guard coming and picking them up. All in all, an extreme act of stupidity."

2. Calithileth had a tourist who didn't listen to instructions.

"Used to be a tourguide at a primate sanctuary with a strict 'no touching policy'. At the end of the tour there's a suspension bridge, tourists go first, guide goes last as per the rules. I always warn the tourists that the other side is the territory of a Hanuman langur and he doesn't fuck around, keep your distance etc. He doesn't attack people out of nowhere, but he likes showing his teeth and screaming, which scares tourists."

"Anyway, one tour I get to the other side of the bridge, and a tourist got bitten. He says a monkey just bit him out of nowhere. Asked the other tourists, no he tried to fucking pet the Hanuman. Dumbass got what he deserved."

3. QuokkaMocha had to stop a woman from endangering her child.

"On an open topped tour bus in London - woman tries to dangle her toddler over the railing, then starts saying she's going to complain to my manager when I told her to stop. Caught her doing it again and company policy said that anyone endangering their kids like that was to be removed from the tour, so the driver had to come up and march her off. She still insisted she did nothing wrong. Like, she literally had the kid's feet on the side rail of the (moving) bus and was just holding him loosely round the waist. One low hanging tree branch, of which there were many on the route, and that kid was gone."

4. sassymatty has experienced the worst kids.

"I used to work at a heritage site. It was an old military installation with a lot of remaining original structures (bunk beds, cafeteria equipment, computers etc.)."

"Everyday it was a constant effort to remind people (read: kids) NOT to jump on the beds, not to slam doors open, not to punch every button like it owes them money."

"The absolute worst was a group of kids on a school trip. Within the first ten minutes we're walking through the tech portion of the exhibit, where we had a wall lined with Burroughs large systems machines (B5000's), all behind this little fence about waist-high. I turn to demonstrate some of the pieces, and when I look back at the group one of them had jumped over the barrier, opened one of the units and started pulling out handfuls of digital tape from the reels inside.'

"I just about jumped on the kid when their teacher did just that. She jumped the barrier, smacked the kids hands and took him outside. I immediately ended the tour and had them all refunded, as I couldn't imagine what else could happen."

5. mugsandcoveve witnessed a man literally pulling the feathers off a peacock.

"I was working on a tourist island in Australia when this man pulled out almost all the back feathers of a peacock because he wanted to keep one. He sneaked up behind it, and grabbed a huge handful and yanked them all out. He was immediately escorted off the island. The peacock had a huge bare patch and most of its beautiful feathers were gone :("

6. stuckwiththisname watched karma do its job.

"Was on a tour in New Orleans. Guy gets drunk and basically makes a fool of himself and slaps his partner. Everyone else on the tour is like ‘whoa not cool, take a hike’. Gf leaves with him. Next morning we’re all on the bus waiting to roll out to the next destination and we’re not moving. 30 minutes later we’re all getting pissed off, then the couple get on the bus looking sheepish. By the next stop we learn, the drunk guy ran a bath at the hotel, passed out and it flooded the bathroom, and four floors below into the hotel lobby. The hotel wouldn’t let them leave without paying thousands of dollars. Karma for him."

7. Funktopuss saw a tourist take a shit.

"They took a big shit in front of the group. So, we tour through streets and parks and make it really clear that the toilets at the beginning of the tour are the only ones for the first 90 minutes of tour. We get to a park about 30 mins into the tour. Not a big park mind you, it is basically a big roundabout with a swing set, bench and two trees. I'm in the middle of my spiel in the park when I see a guy at the back of the group, step away, pull his pants down and squat on the grass. Of course I was stunned and lost my flow which had everyone looking around only to recoil in horror as this guy drops a log like it was nothing. He wasn't even ashamed."

8. artoftheescape had a kid who thought bomb threats were funny.

"Not a tour guide, but was doing an English language camp for foreign kids.

Took the kids on a day trip to London, which involved going up the London Eye. While in the queue, one of the kids started shouting that he had a bomb in his bag and he was going to blow everyone up. Almost got all 20 kids in the group kicked out."

9. tedandrassy watched a man give himself brain damage.

"I work at a brewery tap room and take people on brewery tours. During fermentation CO2 is produced and excess comes out through a run off pipe and into a water bucket. One of the attendees (who was being a pain and trying to be funny but nobody was laughing) asked me what the pipe was for, so I gladly explained. He then asked what would happen if he breathed it in... in disbelief of his stupidity I told him he would pass out/damage his brain, he then proceeded to grab the pipe and take a breath. He was then ejected and barred. Some people are just beyond belief."

10. AleredEgo witnessed a teen damage a museum painting.

"Took a class of middle schoolers to a museum and one of my asshole students dragged his hand across a 3000 year old Indian painting. Later on I found out the object was almost certainly a reproduction but I nearly died of rage on the spot."

"Edit: the student was with us on a 45 day placement for severe behavioral issues. He earned enough point in school to qualify for the field trip. Never again."

11. Eoinoconn has another public poop story.

"Friend of mine does tours of whiskey museums in Dublin. Someone took a shit in one of the exhibition rooms."

12. PtolemyShadow witnessed a kid poke an ox, and it got more dramatic.

"I worked at a living history farm museum. I had a kid that was climbing on stuff the whole tour in the farm house and trying to get behind the Smith in the blacksmith shop during a demo."

"After the tour when people are allowed to roam the grounds, I hear his mom screaming and look over to the barn and this kid has climbed the fence into the field with our long horn oxen and is trying to poke them with a stick. I walk over and calmly told him to get out of the field before our lazy oxen decide they've had enough, but this jack off decides to look me in the eye and smack Ted on the ass with the stick like it's a riding crop. Ted, bless him, just kinda jumps a little and whips his head around with a WTF dude look on his face. But seeing as he's a long horn, he just wipes this kid out with one of his horns when he turned his head. Kid goes flying into the dirt and is having a melt down. Mom is freaking out. I'm like dude, get the hell out of the pen before Ted actually gets mad."

"So this kid is crying and trying to climb the fence out of the field and Bill, who has been watching this whole thing waits until the kid is almost over the fence and walks up to him and nudges him in the ass with his nose and pushes him off the top of the fence. It was everything I could do to keep from laughing."

"Kid was fine, Ted was fine, but the kid and his mom were promptly kicked out of the museum. Their dad and little sister were allowed to stay because she was well behaved and was just enjoying petting the goats at the petting zoo. So since the kid had to leave but his sister didn't there was a temper tantrum in the parking lot that could be heard all the way to the other side of the farm. But the oxen got some extra grain that night, so I guess they won in the end."

13. Winkus knocked out a guy to save his life.

"Led a scuba diving tour. While signing the safety waivers and all that one very old man kept telling us that he had a DNR ( do not resuscitate). We plainly told him that we are not bound to a DNR and if he passed out for any reason we would attempt to resuscitate by our safety training."

"Pretty much all the divers are assuming this guy is gonna kill himself down there ( prob spit out the reg and go quietly into the night)."

"Dive happens, pretty much everyone is hawkeyed on this guy. I see him go behind a large coral head and lay down in the sand and spit out his reg. He is only at about 60 ft so I grab him and wrestle him to the surface. He will not take my back up regulator so I slam it against his mouth a purge air Into his face. We get to the surface and he is fighting me non stop trying to pull all of his gear off. I throw a very hard punch to his jaw and knock him out ( actually trained to do this during dive rescues to keep the panicked person from killing you too)"

"3 weeks later and he tries to sue my dive shop and myself personally.

TLDR: guy tried to kill himself"

14. littlemissemperor saw an unsavory photo opp in the Louvre.

"I watched a man run up the side of the platform the Winged Victory statue is on in the Louvre and throw his arm around it for a photo. Security got him down pretty quickly, I'm shocked he actually made it up there."

15. ScreamingPict lost a friend because of a thoughtless tourist.

"Not me, my best friend's tour guide on an island off the Australian coast- he saw one of the tour ignore the huge signs warning people not to go to the edge of the water.

Predictably the tourist gets hit by a huge wave, swept out to sea."

"I know it was the worst thing the tour guide ever saw because he and my best friend both went into the sea to rescue the tourist.

And they both died."

"Funniest guy I ever met. Miss him most days.

The tourist who caused it all? Predictably he survived. Pretty sure he doesn't feel too good about the whole thing."

16. OngoGablogian5 had a dangerous piece of work on his plane.

"I’m a bush pilot in Alaska and occasionally do glacier air tours of my boss asks (I’m not a fan of doing tours)"

"One day I’m doing a glacier tour and had probably 7 people onboard and the dude sitting next to just looks at me and says “I’m de captain now” and yanks the plane 30 degrees to the right and then lets go and laughs saying he was just kidding."

"There was yelling to follow via my mouth."

17. SketchyMedicalAdvice watched a man get cocky about sharks.

"Tour guide/boat captain in the Caribbean.

We had about 40/50 people on the boat, got off. We would normally go feed swimming pigs which someone would get nipped from them from doing stupid shit but nothing too serious. Well the next stop after that was another island where we would hand feed turtle, sharks, and stingrays."

"So we would tell the people to hold it with the the palm open and food in the middle for the stingrays and they would come over the top and take it out. The turtles and the sharks put it in the water holding it in the tips and when they are coming for it let go. Well of course, this dingus decided he would be tough and feed this baby shark, no longer than your forearm without letting go."

"Shark proceeds to bite his fingers, he screams and jumps up out of the water and flicks it off of his hand, pulling one of his finger nails off in the process. So that's one I always remember."

18. VersaceMango sees people with death wishes all the time.

"Not a tour guide but I guess you could say I work in the tourism industry. I work ground crew for a company that does Helicopter tours. Number one rule for customers is “DON’T WALK UNDER THE TAIL BOOM, THE ROTOR WILL KILL YOU AND IT WILL HURT”. It’s unbelievable how many people have a death wish out there. People see the fastest way to the other side of the helicopter and don’t stop to think “Oh hey, that spinning blade may or may not slice my whole fucking head off let’s see how close we can get to it!”

19. manbearnoodle knows people who stole from Auschwitz.

"Couple of guys I used to play cricket with went on a school trip to Auschwitz and decided to steal a small pair of glasses and some buttons they found half buried in the ground. They were detained by Polish police while they were leaving the site. Hard to know what goes through people’s heads sometimes."

20. Plooza witnessed a kid who sexually harassed a college student.

"I used to give tours at my university. There was a group of middle schoolers I was giving a tour to (to show them why they should want to go college...yatta yatta)."

There was this one kid who kept trying to sneak away and was whistling at just about every girl who walked by. Weird. Okay, whatever, he thinks he's a big shot.

"Then a very attractive girl comes jogging by us, and he tried to GRAB HER and starts AIR HUMPING while he watches her run away from us. I was mortified.

I ended the tour. I was done with him. The teachers didn't even care, that was probably the worst part."

A girl had no memes.

After the polarizing Game of Thrones finale aired, Maisie Williams took to Twitter with a simple millennial adage: "just here for the memes."

You can relate. You're bored at your desk, or looking at your phone while waiting for the bus.

Regardless of your feelings on the finale, everyone can agree that the memes are the best part of watching Game of Thrones—especially since Jaime and Brienne didn't end up together (I AM STILL NOT OVER IT, I WILL NEVER BE OVER IT!)

Unlike the show's writing, the memes have been consistently good and have a clear arc.

The memes are dark and full of terrors.

The thread is a great journey down the Kingsroad, through eight years of TV.

Memes contain adult content.

There's no telling how far Arya will go.

If you're a big fan of crying until your tear ducts explode, chances are you love to watch NBC's "This is Us." These show-inspired memes will leave you in tears... of laughter. Let the emotional rollercoaster begin.

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If you had a lot of strong feelings during the Game of Thrones finale, you were far from alone. Even Khal Drogo himself, aka Jason Momoa, aka everybody's celebrity exception (the person your partner wouldn't get mad at you for cheating with) couldn't contain himself during the finale.

His Instagram live videos from the finale brought the internet endless joy, as he expressed his anger at the death of Khaleesi, and said "we're going to go to the bars and fight" in response to the writing choices for the finale.

If nothing else, the clips of his Facebook live videos prove that even the cast of Game of Thrones felt conflicted about the way the final season ended. These plot pivots did a real number on Drogo, which only endears him more to the rest of us.

At one beautiful point, Momoa was yelling "f*ck you, f*ck you punk" at the image of Jon Snow on the screen, a sentiment many people can agree with.

Since his character was already killed off, Momoa was left to scream at the results with the rest of us, and he did it with full emotional force.

Momoa and Emilia Clarke (the actress who plays Khaleesi) have been good friends on and off-screen for years, so his loyalty transcends the show itself.

Suffice it to say, Momoa, like many of us, was not happy with how things fell out, and Bran's rise to the throne.

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."

— E E Cummings

Don't waste another second of your morning. Take a moment to laugh at these totally random and hilarious memes. You'll be glad you did.

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If you've been on the internet in the last eight years, and even more so in the past few weeks, then you know without a doubt that Game of Thrones is the ship that launched 1000 memes.

Whether you're looking to laugh or cry, you're looking specifically for Game of Thrones memes about how hot Gendry is or memes about Sansa taking the throne (RIP, this hope and theory), there is a meme for everyone in this boundless sea of the web.

To add to this beautiful garden full of Game of Thrones jokes, there is in fact a thread dedicated to drawing cinematic parallels between Game of Thrones and Shrek, and it is pure art.

From the way the characters look down to their costume details, the parallels between Shrek and Game of Thrones is uncanny. Could it be that Shrek has become so deeply embedded in the cultural psyche that some of this seeped out of the subconscious of all involved?!

The more I look at these similarities, the more I can't look away, nor do I want to.

Cersei and Jaime are straight up human embodiments of Shrek animations, it's wild to see just how uncanny the similarities are.

Did the costume designer of Game of Thrones use Shrek as source material? Because this is truly beautiful and wild.

Both Shrek and Game of Thrones have dragons with lots of personality, dragons that won't take no for an answers, dragons that love passionately (am I getting too carried away?!).

There are wolves roaming about in both of them, doing human things, as mystical wolf types do.

Multiple scenes are made better with Shrek in them, and at this point it feels surprising that Smashmouth didn't make an appearance in the Game of Thrones theme song.

This thread is Mary Poppins' bag, and the memes are unexpected presents she is pulling out of the magical, endless bag.

The similarities are abundant, and full of visual detail that makes them even more delightful and bizarre.

Hopefully now, when you go back to rewatch Game of Thrones, you'll feel the spirit of Shrek ushering you along in your viewing experience.

Amy Schumer is back! As Schumer explained in her latest comedy special, Growing, she didn't have the easiest pregnancy. The comedian suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum, which caused her to have non-stop nausea and vomiting, and landed her in the hospital a number of times during her pregnancy. Because of this, Schumer had to cancel multiple shows on her tour, usually at last minute. For a stand up comedian, canceling shows -- especially on your own tour -- is a nightmare. Schumer was always sure to post her regrets on Instagram, apologizing to her fans for being unable to put on a show for them.

Nevertheless, she persisted! Schumer got through her tough pregnancy, did all of the shows she could, released an hour long comedy special, and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy (named Gene!).

And because she's a high-key super mom, Schumer was back on stage just two weeks after giving birth. On Tuesday, she posted a picture of herself performing stand up at the Comedy Cellar, letting her fans know, "I'm back!"

And because we can't have nice things, people immediately decided to attack Amy Schumer for *checks notes * doing her job while being a mom. People in the comments section were poppin' off, claiming Schumer was back at work too soon after giving birth.

The poor child, I feel sorry for it!

Like, I can still smell your placenta...take a damn break ffs

Take some time

What's so infuriating about people telling Amy Schumer that she shouldn't be allowed to do her job right after giving birth is that she's being held to a double standard. Fathers often go back to work immediately after their child is born, and we don't see people giving them flack for it. A woman is expected to be the sole caretaker of the baby, and quite frankly, that's sexist. Shcumer and her husband are parents...he can stay home and take care of the baby just as much as she can. Or they could call a babysitter. Or a friend. The point is, women shouldn't be expected to give up their careers for motherhood. That idea is old and based on misogyny, babe.

In typical Amy Schumer fashion, the comedian clapped back with a hilarious post, proving she wasn't going to let the haters get her down. She posted a photo of herself pumping, with the caption, "Sending out love to the moms shaming me for doing standup last night!"

Clearly, Amy will not be putting up with any mommy-shaming BS. You tell 'em, girl.

It ain't easy being a dad—take it from someone who has a dad who has had to bail me out of more bad decisions than I can count. Let's just say he's more than earned that funny Father's Day card with a joke about all the money I owe him, lol.

A dad recently took to the sub-Reddit "Am I the Asshole?" to seek advice on how to handle a particularly sticky situation involving his soon-to-be-married daughter. He seems like a loving, supportive dad, but his daughter is harboring a dark secret from her fiancé and has no plans to tell him, despite her dad encouraging her to. So now her dad is wondering if he is an asshole for wanting to disclose this secret to the fiancé, in the interest of honesty and respect for his future son-in-law, who he "really likes and respects." It's a bit of a doozie, since she shouldn't be lying to her fiancé, but also it may or may not be the dad's responsibility to clear the air. Here's the story and I'll let you, dear reader, decide if this guy's in the right or in the wrong for wanting to spill his daughter's secret. He writes:

I’m the dad of a 25 year old young woman who I love very much. I’ve been able to have a good relationship with my daughter and I enjoy my time with her, but there’s one thing about her that would give many people pause - she is a diagnosed sociopath.

She exhibited odd, disturbing behavior at a young age, and after a serious incident of abuse towards her younger sister, I realized she needed professional help. Throughout her elementary years she struggled heavily, getting in lots of trouble in school for lying, cruelty and all other types of misbehaviors. With an enormous amount of therapy & support, her bad behavior was minimized as she grew older. She received an ASPD diagnosis at 18, and I had suspected it for long prior.

After her aggressive behavior was tamed, her following years were much more fruitful. She’s law-abiding; has a decent job and a good education; and has many good friendships and admirers. Especially male admirers; she is very, very charming and adept at attracting guys and maintaining their interest. She uses that old dating guide “The Rules” like a Bible. She currently has a boyfriend of about a year and a half who’s crazy about her, and who I have a very strong relationship with (we live in the same area and spend time together regularly). He is a great guy, very kind, funny and intelligent.

But I doubt she loves him. We’ve had some very honest, in-depth discussions about her mental health since her diagnosis, and she’s been open with me that she doesn’t feel love or empathy towards anyone, even family. When she acted very sad and broken up over the death of one of her closest friends at the funeral, she confessed to me privately that it was all a put-on, and that she felt “pretty neutral” about the whole thing. She has also stated she has never once felt guilty about anything she’s ever done, and doesn’t know what guilt feels like. While she enjoys being around her boyfriend and is sexually attracted to him, I highly doubt she feels much of anything towards him love-wise.

Her boyfriend (who might propose soon) hasno idea about her diagnosis, and she’s been very upfront with me that she has no plans to ever tell him, thinking it’ll scare him away. I’ve made it clear to her that she needs to tell him the truth before they marry; that he has the right to know and consider it; or I will; to which she always responds, “I know you wouldn’t dare.” I actually would - I really like and respect this young man, and would feel awful keeping this “secret” from him, and letting him walk into a marriage without this piece of knowledge.

I’m not trying to sabotage my daughter’s future. Maybe her boyfriend’s love of her personality and other aspects is enough that it won’t end the relationship. It’s his decision to make; but he deserves all the facts. Someday he’s bound to find out she’s a bit “off”; it can’t be kept a secret forever. AITA?

Yikes. This is a TOUGH one. Even Reddit commenters, who are not known for their lack of certainty, are having a hard time deciding what this guy should do.

Commenter newsifried writes:

Wow. That's the hardest AITA I've read in a long time.

You're ethically compromised either way. It's probably best you stay out of it.

While yuumai writes:

I think the guy needs to know, deserves to know, but what if it does destroy the relationship? I can't imagine what it could mean for OP to have his sociopath daughter be very angry at him.

Damn OP, I'm so sorry. NTA, but I don't know if you should follow through with telling him or not.

Personally I think this fiancé deserves to know the truth, but I wouldn't want to have to be in the position to break the news to him either. In conclusion: I've decided to never become a dad. What do you think??

Donald Trump Jr. got a book deal, and his tome promises to be a intellectually enriching journey into the rich inner life of America's First Large Adult Son.

This is likely the first book that Don Jr. will ever have interacted with. As far as he understands, books are like tweets, only longer, and printed on dead trees. Sorry Donnie, I don't think you get to kill the trees yourself.

Yeah, no—if he does indeed write his book himself, it's likely to be a Burn Book of all the people who didn't like his tweets, and maybe even feature more emails in which he explicitly said "I love it" to collusion.

Don Jr. will probably write as much of his book as his dad wrote "The Art of the Deal"..... so none of it.

While the book is likely to be pro-Trump dynasty propaganda that is an insult to the written word, the internet is having fun pitching titles. There are some great puns on classic literature, so he's likely to understand none of it.

Speaking on not understanding things, Ivanka Trump wants in on the Twitter trend of ruthlessly mocking her brother's aggressive stupidity and its ramifications for the American republic.

Ah, yes...admitting that your brother is an absolute moron to own the libs.

Does she not understand why it's trending, and hate him as much as everyone does? Has she seen the tweets, each and every one of them an insult?

Or is she being willfully ignorant, which is kind of her thing?

This desperate attempt at humor raises the question: which Trump sibling is the dumber sibling?

On the one hand, special counsel Robert Mueller concluded that Donald Trump Jr. is too dumb for conspiracy. On the other hand, Ivanka is dumb enough to think that she's smart.

Girl. You either get to use your position in a Constitution-shredding White House acquired through nepotism to enrich yourself and your #brand, or you get to have fun with the people on Twitter. Pick one.

There are two ingredients the internet loves on their roast sandwiches more than anything: Kim Kardashian saying something entitled and bonkers, and fast food chains getting feisty online. This is a fact of life we all might as well accept, because whenever one of them happens, the hashtags roll out and the red carpet of internet shade takes up more land mass than the state limits of California.

So, as you can imagine, the combination of Kim acting peak rich-white-lady AND fast food chains getting expressive online is a veritable goldmine for people looking to procrastinate via scrolling.

Our current Shakespearean drama has two main players, and a bunch of side characters with jokes.

The two central characters are of course Kim, and Jack in The Box, whom she called out in a vague but automatically viral tweet (she has too many followers for throwaway tweets).

Jack in the Box soon responded by asking she DM them, since her account settings don't allow DMs without her initiation.

The mystery and pettiness of calling out Jack in the Box on Twitter with a "serious complaint" immediately piqued the curiosity of Kim's followers. Most of whom felt the exchange was wildly entitled.

Most of us would be hard-pressed to find someone who leaves Jack in the Box with glowing recommendations. Almost every city has a Jack in the Box with blood stained bathrooms, resident drug exchanges and really terrifying pickles (are they real food?!). So, given Kim's net worth, it's wild to imagine her strolling in there with any expectations at all.

Naturally, seeing their competitor get called out by one of the most famous people in the world inspired great joy and shade from other fast food accounts. All of whom seemed to experience simultaneous schadenfreude and relief.

Finally, after sparking a tidal wave of jokes and theories, Kim popped back onto Twitter to reveal what her issue with Jack in the Box was. Apparently, it wasn't the food, it wasn't rude service, and it wasn't even someone lurking the chain location with a knife, her issue was the fact that NO ONE RECOGNIZED HER.

This bonkers reasoning for putting a fast food chain on blast was not lost on the internet, and the memes truly crafted themselves in the wake of this realization.

Needless to say, Jack in the Box has more important things to do than Keep with the Kardashians, which apparently makes one of us.

If you're STILL trying to deal with the finale of Game of Thrones, these hilarious memes will help heal your heartbreak. Remember, laughter is the best medicine.

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Musician/Terry Richardson lookalike Moby is on a book tour for his memoir Then It Fell Apart, and it, well, fell apart.

The Guardianreports that Moby insists in his book that he dated Natalie Portman, and Natalie Portman herself calls it "very disturbing."

According to the paper, Moby says in his book that while he was 33 and Portman was 20, they met backstage in Austin, Texas and he would party with her in New York City and at her dorm at Harvard.

Moby allegedly writes of "kissing under the centuries-old oak trees. At midnight she brought me to her dorm room and we lay down next to each other on her small bed. After she fell asleep I carefully extracted myself from her arms and took a taxi back to my hotel."

Portman told Harper's Bazaar that that portion of the book is full-on fanfiction.

"I was surprised to hear that he characterised the very short time that I knew him as dating because my recollection is a much older man being creepy with me when I just had graduated high school," she told the magazine. "He said I was 20; I definitely wasn’t. I was a teenager. I had just turned 18. There was no fact-checking from him or his publisher – it almost feels deliberate."

Moby decided to counter the accusation that he was a creeper with a picture of him and is hairy nipples smiling next to a teenager, and then immediately using it to plug his book.

"I recently read a gossip piece wherein Natalie Portman said that we’d never dated. This confused me, as we did, in fact, date. And after briefly dating in 1999 we remained friends for years," he insisted.

In 1999, Portman was 18 years old.

Moby tried to laugh his way out of it with a self-depreciating joke, writing, "I completely respect Natalie’s possible regret in dating me (to be fair, I would probably regret dating me, too), but it doesn’t alter the actual facts of our brief romantic history."

"Complete respect" does not mean doubling down and calling her liar, nor does it mean subjecting the internet to pictures of your nipple hair.

This is a creepy claim of non-creepihood.

Portman talked about the experience of having been sexualized at a young age. When she was 13 years old, she "excitedly opened [my] first fan mail to read a rape fantasy that a man had written me."

Her local radio station started a countdown to her 18th birthday. It sounds like Moby was one of the dudes following along.

Time to talk about one of the most important topics of our time: hot cartoons. Yes, I do mean hot as in fione. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Aladdin, and discovered what it meant to have an all consuming crush. And you know what, I'm ready to talk about it. The amount of people who remain silent on the issue of "cartoons are sexy too" is honestly shameful.

But you know who hasn't been quiet about this? Writer and blogger Jenna Guillaume. She bravely posted a thread on Twitter, igniting a conversation about 'Cartoon Guys Who Can Get It," which has since gone viral.

Jenna kicked us off with an extensive list of her biggest cartoon crushes.

Others joined in, proving that our childhood cartoons were really about the thirst traps we found along the way.

During a time of political divide, it's so nice to see that we can come together and agree that cartoons can be snacks too.

A woman who runs a website called Positivity Right Now is getting dragged online for expressing opinions that are a far cry from uplifting or positive.

Melissa Jeannine, whose Twitter bio reveals her as a "blue collar millionaire" ready to "teach people how to be wealthy and successful" has come under fire for a thread dedicated to shaming broke people for their lack of manners.

Her tirade against "the poors" starts with a story of her making cookies for neighbors, who proceeded to never return her Tupperware or speak to her in the building again. Of course, the tweet doesn't clarify whether she actually ran into them in the building, or whether this was some long-running intentional avoidance on their part.

Her next piece of evidence against the monolithic character of Broke People was yet another dessert-related anecdote, this time involving a "gourmet" dessert (ala Hersheys chocolate) she made for a workplace function.

Her coworker then had the audacity to ask Jeanine to place the handcrafted desserts next to a store bought cake, a true crime against humanity that surely justifies the growing wealth gap in this country.

Worse yet, the other women at Jeanine's (former) place of work had the audacity to pick store bought cake over the Hershey's cups. Naturally, this inspired Jeanine to fat-shame them.

These two underwhelming dessert-related events took place a full 15 years ago, but that was more than enough to convince Jeanine that "mediocre middle class broke losers" don't deserve kindness or empathy.

Luckily for Jeanine, and anyone unfortunate enough to interact with her in the past, she now exclusively surrounds herself with a "socialite group" who share their "million dollar connections" with her.

For good measure, Jeanine added in a few more cruel iterations of fat-shaming while sharing a picture of a dessert similar to the one she made.

Needless to say, this bizarre thread full of internalized classism and no actual conflict inspired a lot of roast jokes (and questions).

People were quick to point out that her desserts might have just been gross, and its highly unlikely the other people were paying as much attention as she assumed.

But also, people reveled in the irony of her running a positivity site while having such wildly classist views.

People were also quick to point out the fact that poor people are often far more empathetic and generous with money, because they know what it feels like to struggle. Plus, Jeanine's hatred towards her own neighbors and coworkers suggests she did not grow up part of the wealthy elite she so loves.

"Take this job and shove it."

-Johnny Paycheck

If you're more than ready to take your job and shove it, you will relate hard to these memes. Laugh now, update your resume later.

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Going under for a surgery or a procedure is always a very jarring experience. If you think about it too much, you're letting strangers knock you out with drugs (that would be illegal if used recreationally by college students in a field) just so that they can cut your body open and stitch you back up. Pretty trippy!

Luckily for our entertainment, we all say fully insane things when we're high (shout out to all of our videos of us getting our wisdom teeth out!). Doctors and nurses probably see and hear the craziest things of all, though. So, when a recent Reddit user asked, "Anesthesiologists, what are the best things people have said under the gas?" the internet was ready to deliver the funniest high people moments they've heard.

1. Ha, "Doc___2020."

Happened today. Patient has a broken ankle fixed and was coming out of anesthesia when he was being wheeled out. The anesthesiologist accidentally hit the door frame on the way out.

Patient: did you just do surgery on my leg?

Anesthesiologist: yes you had surgery and are waking up from it

Patient: then why are you running into things

2. Amazing, "janski12."

Not an anesthesiologist but was a tech. Had a patient wake up violently. When he came to he said, "sorry, I thought I was a shark."

3. This is a mood, "ebimbib."

I was coming out of general anesthesia after a surgery to repair a broken leg. I woke up in my room with about a dozen very caring, kind friends and relatives who had all come to see that I was ok. I looked around, saw everyone giving shits about me, said, "Fuck this" (loudly and very clearly), and went right back to sleep. My friends thought it was hilarious. My mom was mortified.

4. Oh my god, "backgroundagain."

Not anesthesia, but patient was heavily sedated in ICU, nurse gave an enema, half conscious response: "honey you know I don't like it that way".

5. Drugs are powerful, "creativeandwonderful."

Not an anesthesiologist, but my husband kept telling the medical staff after his procedure that "It's okay, my wife's a doctor. She knows what you're talking about." I'm a lawyer.

6. Perfect, "autofillmesomething."

After getting my wisdom teeth removed I looked at my mother-in-law and said, "How did you get on my rocketship?"

7. Woah, "Black_Lobster."

My wife is an anesthesiologist.. when she was in fellowship she had a patient say they saw dicks dripping off the ceiling (ketamine infusion)

8. This is impressive, "Calliope719."

My husband went under last year, and once he woke up, by a appearances he was as sober as a church mouse. Walking, asking serious questions of the doctor, apparently no issues are all. He remembered the procedure and described it to me in detail. I figured he just never went completely under.

He was craving Chinese food, and nothing would do except for buffet, so we headed down and loaded up our first load of plates. Evidently, he actually woke up from the anesthesia at the buffet. As far as he remembers, he was put under and woke up in front of a plate of chicken teriyaki on a stick.

9. Gotta have snacks, "schwenomorph."

When I woke up from surgery, the doctors asked if I wanted anything to eat.

"You got those crackers that come in packs of six with the cheese?"

No, we don't have those.

"Aw fuck man, that's bullshit."

We have the peanut butter ones, though.

"AH, YEAH, BITCHIN'!"

10. Wow, "updoots4u"

Two of my fav, both patients coming out of anesthesia:

"Am I in hell?" I responded "no you're not, you're just in recovery." "...that sounds like something the devil would say. Count backwards from 100 to prove it."

Or the one who stroked my unshaved arm while I was trying to keep him from pulling at his IV, and muttered "you'd make such a great carpet."

11. Truly living his best life, "swordfishde."

I’m an anesthesiologist. I was recently taking care of a 17 year old kid and he looks at me and says “dude, I am high as fuck” They almost never remember it afterward.

12. I hope the chandelier dropped, "willkill612."

My uncle is one and he said someone started singing phantom of the opera Then immediately started rapping mumbled lines.

13. Oh boy, "Fabio_The_Unseen."

I broke my hand tumbling once and had to get surgery. He goes to put the mask on my face and says "This is oxygen". I cough as the mask goes on. He pulls the mask away and I said "I trusted you. You lying fuck.". That's the last thing I remember.

14. So good, "thedavecan."

Nurse anesthetist here. When I was in school i was getting ready to get a lady off to sleep and going through my regular spiel. I had the mask on her face and I said "nice big breaths" as I pushed propofol. Right before she went out she said " thanks, I just had them done". I looked at my preceptor, we looked at the circulator, and we all burst out laughing. I now say "slow deep breaths" instead. I love telling that story, that lady made all our days.

15. Yikes, "AceOfSpades07."

My dad works with that stuff, funniest thing he’s heard is “hey mr doctor? My ass itches and I’m too high to scratch”.

16. Get those shoes, though! "nifty_the_niffler."

Not an anesthesiologist, but when my step dad was going under for a surgery, he was almost out but at a sweet point that the doctor told my mom she could ask him anything and he wouldn’t be able to help but answer truthfully. She asked, “Do you love me?” My step dad replied, “You need to go on and get your little Yoda shoes.” I’m pretty sure Yoda doesn’t even wear shoes...

17. Perfect, "BikToe."

When I was about to go out for surgery. They were strapping me down, and told me it was so that I don't fall off the table. My last words were, it's ok, 5 second rule..

After storming out of a meeting with Democratic leaders to talk about literally building bridges, Donald Trump took the Rose Garden to kvetch about the Mueller investigation and "the I word," and he brought props! Trump claims that the conference was "impromptu," but everything was already set up with signs.

The historic White House Rose Garden, the setting of such historic events as the signing of Middle East peace accords, was home to Trump's latest temper tantrum.

For the first time in history, the president brought his own lawn sign, and he ripped off ABC News graphics about the Mueller investigation (RIP).

Trump conveniently forgot the numbers about guilty pleas, prison sentences, and indictments.

Growing up, my dad wouldn't let me get any of those Limited Too shirts that had "cutie" written on them because he said "if you have to say it on a t-shirt, then it isn't true." This podium has that energy.

Trump and his dentures were clearly having A Day. Earlier, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi accused the president of engaging in a coverup for his non-stop stonewalling of Congressional subpoenas.

He said, without irony, that he's "the most transparent president probably in the history of this country."

"I don’t do cover-ups," he added, forgetting that his personal lawyer is currently in prison for crimes including making hush-money payments to Trump's mistresses during the campaign.

The subpoena war is driving more and more Democrats to call for officially opening an impeachment inquiry, and Pelosi is reportedly feeling the heat.

Trump is clearly shook by the momentum building, referring to impeachment as "the I word" and clearly more offended by it than the n-word. Can you believe???

He finished the conference off by saying that he will not work with Democrats on such issues as infrastructure and drug prices until they stop doing their oversight duties, which is incredibly f*cked up!

While the executive branch declaring war on the legislative branch is dangerous for the republic, it's spawned some pretty awesome memes! "Rose Garden" went viral on Twitter and people are mocking his lawn sign.

The best meme on the matter comes surprisingly from Connecticut Congressman Jim Himes.

You know what's even cooler than memes? An impeachment inquiry.

"Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away."

- Benjamin Franklin

Keep your troubles far away by laughing at these hysterical morning memes.

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yHaving a roommate always seems like a good idea in theory: someone to talk to when you're lonely! Food to snack on when you come home drunk! Being able to afford rent! But in practice, living with a roommate can be Hell. If you're living with a roommate—maybe you're married, maybe you met on Craigslist, maybe both—you might think you have it pretty bad. But after seeing these people's nightmare roommate experiences, you'll want to go hug your roommate/spouse and apologize for secretly hating them all this time and stealing their food as an act of revenge. Here are 25 people whose roommates are even worse than yours, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

1) The disgusting roommate:

2) The roommate who has thousands of tennis balls but no soul:

3) The roommate who had never used a dishwasher before:

4) Roommate who does the crime but not the time:

5) Roommate who sabotaged this person's Christmas gift to their PARENTS:

6) Roommate who belongs in prison:

7) Roommate who is in prison.

8) Roommate who is Satan and also creative:

9) Roommate whose punishment doesn't match the crime:

10) Roommate who has WAY too much free time:

"So our roommate left his door open over spring break. This was the result..."

"His room as he left it"

"We decided to recreate his chair out of cardboard"

"And tin foil his room"

11) Roommate who can operate a drill but not her eyes:

"My wife hung a nice picture and a small shelf while I was on duty; now my eye is twitching..."

12) Roommate who opens things in the worst way possible:

13) Roommate who uses a phone as a food tray:

14) Roommate who isn't the biggest fan of hygiene:

15) Roommate who is a monster with a ton of CVS points:

"My wife never finishes a bottle of shampoo or body wash before buying a new kind and leaving the old ones."

16) Roommate who still hasn't gotten rid of his pumpkin from Halloween.....in MAY.

17) Roommate who needs some Tupperware containers and a new home:

"My roommate and I own only two pots. When he cooks with them, he stores any leftovers from his cooking in the fridge in the pots, instead of putting them in containers."

18) Roommate who leaves her hair stuck to the shower wall:

19) Roommate who plays by no rules:

20) Roommate whose pasta turned into a house pet:

"Flatmate made pasta, then left for a vacation. (I sort of want to cuddle it.)"

21) Roommate who is three-years-old and Satan:

22) Roommate who doesn't see color:

23) Roommate who is messy AND plays the tuba:

24) Roommate who is not a person, but a monster:

"What kind of person leaves this in the freezer..."

25) Roommate who is Frankenstein on a budget:

In summation: stay vigilant, and live with no one. Even if it means moving out of a house and in to a cardboard box. At least you won't have to share it with a roommate.

Planning a wedding is an expensive endeavor, even the most bare bones arrangements rack up thousands of dollars in food and decorating costs, and destination weddings are a completely different animal.

While there can be a tremendous amount of stress around the planning and payment of a wedding, any wedded couple with true perspective on life knows that is their choice, and their burden to bear. No one truly needs a fancy wedding, and plenty of couples have made due with modest arrangements full of love.

All this is to say, throwing a huge expensive party and then throwing a temper tantrum about the bill is deeply irresponsible, but there is unfortunately a strain of bridezilla types that do just that.

In a recent Twitter thread, Seyi Akiwowo, the founder of Glitch, which is described as a not-for-profit organization "determined to end online abuse through advocacy, campaigning and education," shared her recent experience with a nightmare bride. The entitlement in this story is unreal.

The story begins in 2015, when Akiwowo was invited to the destination wedding of an ex friend, located in Romania.

The wedding website said the bride and groom would prefer cash gifts over presents, since transporting gifts home would be difficult.

Akiwowo brought a friend to the wedding, and they both paid for their own flights and hotel fare for two days.

Upon closing time for the open bar, the guests were given small envelopes that looked like tithing slips.

Since Akiwowo and her friend were both strapped for cash after paying to attend the destination wedding, they both contributed the bit of cash they had left and figured that was that - a pooled tip for the bar staff essentially.

When Akiwowo and her friend arrived back in London, after a tumultuous trip back, she logged into Facebook and saw she received a message from the bride.

At first, Akiwowo assumed the message was intended to check up on her safe travels back. But when she opened it up, she quickly realized this was a different type of message.

Akiwowo then called her friend who went to the wedding with her, and read aloud the truly bonkers "debt collection" message from the bride.

This is the message, truly straight from hell:

Both Akiwowo and her friend were stunned and shocked by the message. Who sends a bill to their wedding guests, especially when they already shelled out money for a destination wedding?!

To make things more nefarious, the gift bags given to the guests were used to track how much each person contributed. A true NSA touch to add to your wedding.

Needless to say, this deeply unhinged post-wedding messages marked the end of this friendship, but now Akiwowo and her friend have a next level inside joke.