Where better to cover a white girl rap than Barnard?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: these baracksdubs videos where President Obama is remixed into singing popular songs are usually the best press he gets in any given month. Other, lesser remixes of people in the news can be tough to watch, but this cover of "Fancy" manages to actually get close enough to the tune that I listened to it a few times just for listening's sake. 

My only complaint is that they couldn't find a clip of the Prez saying the word "fancy" by itself. The guy hosts black tie dinners several times a month, and you're telling me he's never said "fancy" on tape? Or comments about our fancy new techniques for torturin' folks? 

Now they need to make a video of Obama singing the Weird Al parody, "Handy."

(by Johnny McNulty)

This is what happens if you don't shut your pie hole. (Via Getty Images)

A couple days ago redditor thr111 needed to get something off his chest, so he took to the "offmychest" section of reddit and proceeded to tell the most true story anyone has ever told on the Internet about how he was so fed up with a screaming, whiny kid in line at Burger King that he bought all the pies the restaurant had so the kid couldn't have any.

The hero? Our hungry narrator in line at Burger King. For his privacy's sake, he did not post any pictures, but based on all the evidence of the story, it is safe to assume he looks like this:

Our hero.

And our villains? A terrible mom and her screaming kid, also in line. Again, no pictures, but they definitely look like this:

Bad mom.

Screaming brat.

There, that should set the stage. 

And now, the completely true facts, as told by an anonymous man hiding behind a screen name:

So a while ago I had decided to treat myself and go to Burger King. I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a Fucking PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine, but nothing was going to stop me from getting those burgers. I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, shes still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much.

What a terrible mom and child! I hope they never get any pie...

I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

Wow. It is a tale of triumph, although, we get the sense that thr111 has some remorse, as he titled his story "Am I a bad person for this?"

No, screen name thr111, you can never be a bad person when you are sharing your truth. 

(by Myka Fox)

Isn't all of Manhattan technically "Expanding Gay Zone"?

Normal, run-of-the-mill maps certainly have their place in the world. But they're only valuable to a point. Sure, if you need to know 7th Avenue and 57th Street intersect, they're fine. But what if you want to get to the "Drunk Mickey Mouses and Elmos" without suffering any awkward run-ins with "Angry Commuters" or "Cultured People"? Then you're kind of up shit's creek, aren't you?

That's where these Judgmental Maps come in. I don't mean to be overly discriminative, but the humorous and somewhat mean-spirited descriptors on the website's maps seem like they'd be right up you and your neck-beard friends's alley. Hey, don't get mad. I'm just saying, is all. Here's just a few to give you an idea:

New York City, home of the "gawking tourists" and "super rich people."

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Los Angeles, where "middle class people of color" mingle with 'C-list celebrities."

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Chicago, as drawn by people who are clearly white. (Click Map To Enlarge)

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Philadelphia, the city of brotherly "people shitting in public." (Click Map To Enlarge)

These judgmental maps are just from some of the more famous cities. There's so many more over on the actual website. Lots of them from cities that you might not have even heard of. Like, did you know that there are places in America called "Wichita" or "Seattle"? Crazy, right? Apparently, they both feature white people.

You never know, they might even have whatever crazy city you live in.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Just because everything’s bigger in Texas doesn’t mean the Wikipedia entries have to be. This special Texas edition from our friends at TL;DR Wikipedia (or Too Long; Didn't Read Wikipedia if you're our dad) gives you the “all cattle, no hat” version of everything about the greatest state in the union that’s always threatening to secede.

(via TL;DR Wikipedia)

1. Hillary Clinton Makes Surprise Visit To Colbert Report To Not Talk About How She's Running For President In 2016

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton—whom everybody knows is running for president in 2016—made a surprise appearance on The Colbert Report last night to promote her new book Hard Choices and talk about a bunch of things unrelated to running for president, leading everybody to speculate on whether or not she's running for president, even though they all know she is.

FOX News Poll: Are American Voters Finally Ready To Shove President Hillary Clinton Up Our Conservative Asses?

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) July 17, 2014

2. Now That Women Are Invading The Ghostbusting And Running For President Industries, We Might As Well Have A Female Assistant Coach In The NBA

The San Antonio Spurs basketball team somehow, in the year 2014, became the first NBA organization to consider the possibility that a woman might be acceptable for the purpose of coaching. WNBA all-star Becky Hammon has been hired as an assistant coach for the team. Hopefully, over the course of 16 years in basketball, she learned a few things about the game.

The San Antonio Spurs hired a female. Late night talk shows do not.

— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) August 5, 2014

3. CBS May Have Found A Kind-Of-Famous English Dude To Replace Kind-Of-Famous Scottish Dude Craig Ferguson On 'The Late Late Show'

CBS has unofficially announced that it has found the fresh white, male face it's been looking for to replace Craig Ferguson as the host of The Late Late Show. British comedian James Corden—whom you may know from his work on such cultural phenomenons as Gavin & Stacey and One Man, Two Guvnors—has reportedly been chosen over literally every single woman and black person on the planet.

Looks like playing James Corden in all my late night fantasy leagues is going to pay big dividends! #hadafeelingabouttheguy

— Nathan Rabin (@nathanrabin) August 6, 2014

MORE! MORE WHITE MALE FACES ON LATE NIGHT TELEVISION! MORE!!!!!!!!!!

— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) August 5, 2014

4. Novelist Ayelet Waldman Becomes 1 Millionth Person To Call The Kardashians "Vile Scumbag Pigs"

Novelist Ayelet Waldman is bravely bucking the cultural stream and daring to criticize Kim Kardashian and her family members, calling them "vile scumbag pigs," after the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood apparently tricked her 11-year-old son into spending $120 and making him cry. 

Hey but what if it had been Kardashians of the Galaxy ? I think it would go a little something like this: (shoots self in face head)

— Sean Crespo (@SeanCrespo) August 3, 2014

5. Ricky Gervais To Take Break From Arguing About Atheism On Twitter Long Enough To Make Movie With His Character From 'The Office'

Ricky Gervais is bringing his David Brent character from the original BBC version of The Office to movie screens, with a faux-documentary called Life on the Road, in which the former office manager attempts to become a rock star. It is currently unknown how this film will relate to the overall subject of atheist activism.

I'm 100% sure Ricky Gervais thinks there will be a movie made about his life within one year of his death.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 20, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Change "feeling loved" to "feeling hassled."(User Submission)

We complain about the parents posting their pics of their kids all the time, but one day those same parents will serve an important role. When those kids grow up and stop being adorable, we need their parents to smack them down when they start smearing their bratty, self-obsessed crap all over our feeds. Here are some moms and dads who are making Facebook a better, and more entertaining place for the rest of us.

This is one easily frightened thug. (via)

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Nice bedtime story dad. (via) 

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Dad has regrets. Well, one regret. (Via)

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The drugs impaired his ability to understand how social networking works. (Via)

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There'd be fewer pimp daddies with more anti-pimp mommies like this one. (Via)

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Mom's got that shit on lock-down.(Via)

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It's called "I Empty The Dishwasher And Cat Box Every Night
Since You Broke Up With Me." Get it right, Dad. (Via)

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Kids today. Always trying to look like they lifted themselves up by their own bootstraps. (Via)

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Sam likes what he likes. Let love flourish! (Via)

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The fame went to his head. (Via)

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And he remembers it fondly, apparently. (Via)

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You are your father's son, even in ways you wish you never knew. (Via)

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Then run your left hand under water because you just got burned.(Via)

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 Thanksgiving is hell when a liberal teen is in the house. (Via)

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His Facebook life then? (Via)

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When you and your mom compete over meth consumption, time to leave Facebook.(Via)

(by Bob Powers)

He doesn't even look that high.

The new Push for Pizza smartphone app might be the best worst idea in the history of fantastically bad ideas. The concept is simple - it's for people who find themselves hungry for pizza, but can't deal with the hassle of actually ordering one because they're in the middle of, say, performing emergency bypass surgery. Or, more likely, ripping their 8th bong hit and are simply too high to trust themselves to dial the correct number, put coherent sentences together, or remember their own address.

With Push for Pizza, no matter how wasted you happen to be, as long as you're still capable of holding your phone, deciding between plain cheese or pepperoni, and pushing three buttons, you'll be eating pizza faster than you can say, "sorry, dude. I only have a dollar."

That is, as long as you've already set up an account with the company. Otherwise, you and your baked buddies will be extremely disappointed after an hour or so when you finally figure out there's no pizza coming.

The app is connected to Delivery.com and other existing services that would prove to be way too complicated for the target demo of Push for Pizza.

The application does allow the user to toggle through options for other pizza places in the area. The problem with that, though, is that toggling is really close to actually ordering. And that sounds like a huge buzzkill which kind of defeats the purpose of using Push for Pizza in the first place, when the whole point of the app is so that wasted bros can eat pizza while fist-bumping other bros and saying, "I just pushed a button and a dude brought me pizza!"

(by Jonathan Corbett)

No class. (via)

In every high school there's always one teacher who wants the students to think they're cool, by listening to new music, using new slang, or, like in the case of Lorie Ann Hill, showing up to the first day on the job shit-faced and removing her pants.

School officials in Wagoner, Oklahoma called police around 9 a.m. Monday after they found a disoriented Hill in an empty classroom and violating the dress code in a pretty major way. She was arrested for public intoxication after a brief interview with the police, which we're guessing lasted slightly longer than her job interview.

The only good news for Hill is that classes don't start until Thursday, which means there weren't any students around. While she still has to live with that busted mugshot, at least articles about the incident won't contain a link to a YouTube video of her staggering around pantsless to the sounds of Nelly's Hot in Herre.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Maybe now isn't a good time to tell you you have a crazy sign in your yard. (Via)

As the earth's population continues to grow, humans are forced to live in ever closer proximity to each other, pissing each other off in new and disgusting ways. The neighbor note is the most effective medium to alert your neighbors to the myriad ways in which their way of life is destroying yours. So if you're going to leave one yourself and want to make sure your neighbors pay heed, take a cue from these authors and unload on that piece of paper with both barrels.

Damn, the store clerk told me that red shirt was an invisibility cloak. (Via)

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Beware of neighbor with clipart. (Via)

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Maybe less people would look in your window if you stopped posting signs in it. (Via)

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Sorry, my phone's "Someone will mourn her dead fiancé with a 5am wake up opera" alert must not have been set properly. (Via)

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God, you gonna help him on this one or what? In your name we pray, amen. (Via) 

Updated 7/2/14:

Guess I can add "bad neighborliness" to all the reasons to be ashamed of myself.(Via) 

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It's nice to see neighbors encouraging each other's artistic endeavors. (Via)

Fight fire with fire. Buy more cars. Buy so many cars they'll bow to you! (Via)

Aw, both neighbors like that movie about the people who make homemade explosives! (Via)

Neighbor of the year? Kind of braggy about the joke-telling though. (Via)

Dumb neighbor. Dogs can't read signs. (VIa)

Updated 6/1/14:

Dude, keep making noise as long as you keep delivering the guilt cookies. (Via)

Is this guy hoping those hashtags might start to spread?#yesallgirlbye(Via)

I'm sure they'd be cool with it if you put on some gloves first.(Via)

If you're going to leave a note, make sure you cover all your bases.

Have you heard the bad news?(Via)

Oh damn! Forget it. I am so not hard enough. (Via)

Updated 5/1/14:

Looks like we're gonna have a problem here. (Via)

"Stranger danger" has no effect on the inebriated and genitally exposed. (Via)

Do your children know you just made a sign with dog shit? (Via)

Cats can't read, but you might not be too good at that either so you're even. (Via)

#Myspot? Dude, get off Twitter. You can't hashtag real life. (Via)

If "Rimming" scores some cupcakes, #5 might be game.(Via)

Updated 4/1/14:

20G is the dictionary definition of "being chill." (Via)

That kitty seems kind of into it, though. Mixed messages! (Via)

The wording makes it really sound like this guy just found his life's mission. (Via)

For this rooster, we are all victims too. (Via)

I'm with the note-writer. Orgy-havers should keep it a secret from those who weren't invited. (Via)

So many valid points made in such a brief correspondence. (Via)

Updated 3/2/14:

It did seem odd that they kept screaming "Love." (Via)

But the dogs are just shouting, "Why don't you love us?!" (Via)

You're taking it too literally. UPS feels like "being home" is a state of mind, man. (Via)

 
What if you trained the dog to poop on junk mail? (Via)

This guy could help the sleepless neighbor above. (VIa)

It's a scary day when you find out your building has not one but two "Bronys." (Via)

Updated 2/3/14:

Oh damn. That guy had best never wave back. (Via)

Believe it or not, the guy who wrote this says his intended meaning was,
"Please, Satan, leave me alone." Oops.(Via)

I bet Big booty bitches are just fine with the volume. (Via)

Seriously. And the "Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh" crap gets old real fast. (Via)

Less quiet? So, louder, and maybe with some narration so the kid gets it?(Via)

Say what you want about our kid, but how DARE you say we have no talent! (Via)

Updated 1/1/14:

Maybe they named her after a grandmother? (Via)

If you can't say something nice about someone, say it with the wifi.(Via)

Just seems like a really chill, helpful neighbor who loves life and fun. (Via)

The laundry room is the land of broken promises. (Via)

The "we're watching you" makes it seem like you're into it.(Via)

But I'm looking for a hot tub buddy with "benefits."(Via)

Updated 12/3/13:

You fear intimacy. Other people's really loud intimacy.

Wow! Imagine how bad the response would have been if they hadn't added the "Thanks."

If the cranking and wanking's too loud, you're too...tasteful musically. (Via)

Maybe building inspectors need to pay more attention to wall thickness.

The more you f**k with her trash, the more she'll love you. That's just Steph!

Sure they probably didn't see it. Which makes this one the most passive-aggressive of all!!!
 

Updated 11/5/13:

His partner must have been worried sick.

Translation: Dear neighbors, when you're forced to do my laundry for me, do it right!

Roided out rat pee really gives a watermelon that extra crispness.

It told us to tell the ficus it always loved it.

Live in darkness, or feed me Whoppers. You make the call.

Coolest neighbor ever.

Updated 10/8/13:

Some men can only communicate in penis drawings. Especially when in a bathroom stall.

It would be worth it. That porch is irresistable.

Grammar Nazis have no business in elevator maintenance.

You should get a stethoscope and tape the listening end to the wall. It just works.

Holy crap. Do you live next to Ned Flanders?

Thus explaining the headline in the following morning's paper, "Man Killed By Whale In Apartment."

Updated 9/6/13:

It's easier than you think to drown in a paddling pool. If you drink enough.

In other words, we watch you through your windows and think you're hot!

"Naber?" Maybe he only heard people refer to "the neighborhood" as "the nabe?"

The big one is not to be trusted.

But you're so photogenic!

On the contrary, turn it up!!! From 402 —

Updated 8/7/13:

I sing what's in my heart. And everything in my heart is pure horror.

Worst thing is, it was blocked by a bag of cow's arseholes.

We didn't feel condescended to until you gave us the layman's definition of "urinate."

Or maybe your neighbor delivered it to you. Just in case you're interested...it's all clean.

That's nothing. Wait until they hook up with the singer from above.

Not a dry eye in the garage.

Updated 7/8/13:

Have some empathy for your jealous neighbors who long for human touch. Pipe down.

Lesson learned. Neighbors prefer to be concussed from above by full cans of beer.

It's been two years! Get over it. She's gone!

Don't test them. That grandson is a big fan of gravy fries.

Those two are going to have to get together for a movie night.

We thought our childhood issues just made us sleep with scary men. They make us litter too?

Updated 6/10/13:

That noise is whatever you want it to be, Kim.

And? What'd you think?

Well this sign is far more entertaining decoration, so silver lining?

There may be a vacancy in this building, as soon as Nick and his python are evicted.

Nah, he's sad inside too. He brings everybody down.

A truly polite marauder would have gone in and straightened things up a bit.

Updated 5/7/13:

Guess the tenant in #9 has no choice but to abandon their mail and move.

Or better yet, break up in your car. Make sure to play a sad song on the radio.

PPS: You can leave the souvenirs you bought me on my porch. Quietly!

What if all of his houseguests were hearing-impaired male siblings?

They scream across the studio to pretend it's bigger.

Good God. Just...good God!

But next time was going to be handcuffs and knee socks day. Ball gag is a week from now.

Updated 4/8/13:

Will this lion be in attendance? Because he seems nice.

Don't hit the H&R Block until after tax time. People need those returns, dammit. Have a heart.

Sweet! Free sex counseling! Why does anger turn us on so much?

Probably a lot of write-in answers on that one.

Of course if you chooe to post this on the internet, that's your decision.

You should thank them. Free fence!

Updated 3/12/13:

"Dude, what are these idiots smoking? We don't have a skunk. Oh."

5:30 AM is a small time. A very small time with NO ROOM FOR YOUR NOISE!!!
 

Although experts refute it, this photo of the Sock Ness Monster continues to intrigue.
 

"We left a note and tried to summon you with human sacrifice, but I guess you were busy."
 

The members of Apt. 93 have the best handwriting in this argument in Manchester, UK.
 

This girl has never made a decision that had any kind of odor in her life.

Updated 2/4/12:

Congratulations, Apt 2B. You're the most understanding neighbors on the planet.

No offense to Apt. 2B, but Apt. 3F is candidate for sainthood.

What ever happened to "Beware of Dog?"

He also has one that reads "Thank you for parking in front of my driveway. I hope you die."

We hope they responded with, "To the stupid shithead next door. You're welcome."

If that's what was left untouched, what on earth was redacted?

It's the fun new game, Secret Prizes For Poop! You'll see what's coming to you!!

Updated 11/29/12:

Wow, I can't believe those kids dropped out of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome university.

However, this does nothing to stop salespeople, landlords, or Antichristmas carollers.
 

She always moans when people park right in her spot.
 

"Did you see those assholes who just moved in?" "Yeah, they were very honest about it."
 

You don't get to be "Boss Lady of #75" without knowing how to do some serious italic yelling.
 

"Are you offering me your cat for free HBO? Because I can do that."

Posted 11/01/12:

This is called "The Direct Approach."
 

Now we're worried there are CDs of us crying being circulated by our neighbors.
 

The hardware store didn't have any "Owner Hates His Life" signs.
 

German? Those must have been some messy sexy times.
 

Can't wait until the next issue of "Noise Complaint Heroines" hits out comic book shop.
 

If someone being tortured shouts "Oh God yes," they're being tortured wrong.
 

He should be saying thank you. Forced nudity turned him into a real go-getter.

Updated 10/3/12:

From now on, they'll be sure and only whisper conspiratorially about boners.

They tried a Gangnam Style sign but it's hard to make a noise complaint while galloping.

Wait for the ransom request and don't involve the police or the tomato is ketchup.

Then why'd you install the cameras, perv?

They were up for a Macarthur Genius award but a Biggest Cunts award will do.

Updated 9/5/12:

Updated 7/30/12:

Updated 6/18/12:

There is absolutely nothing this person will not complain about.

Updated 5/21/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 4/30/12:

Updated 4/10/12:

Updated 3/20/12:

"CD's Covered In Cat Piss. You Wanna Salvage Them? Be My Guest."
"Actually, The Cat Is Pretty On Target With The State Of The Music Industry Right Now. Funny That."

Updated 3/1/12:

Updated 2/16/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 1/24/11:

Updated 1/4/11:

Updated: 12/5/11

It was just supposed to be a cute observation from a dad. Instead, a crowd of onlookers discovered all the horrors the human body contains.

It all started when New York comedian Craig Baldo (check him out on Twitter) discovered one of his toddler's stickers on his skin. He decided to snap a pic and share an innocuous observation about dadhood with the world.

(Image via Craig Baldo/Facebook)

Thanks to some inadvertently confusing framing, Craig's fatherly observation took a back seat to the questions his bewildered Facebook friends suddenly found themselves grappling with.

The first comment landed not long after the photo hit their feeds.

With Trish's comment, a safe space was established where friends of Craig struggling with the disturbing imagery could share their concerns.

In an attempt to lighten the mood, and to keep the mystery alive, Craig responded with a joke:

But the floodgates had already been shoved open, and the questions, guesses, and stunned exclamations started coming...

and coming...

and coming...

The questions and notes of concern were flowing faster than the green blood in the veins of whatever hunk of hopefully human flesh was captured in that photograph. We decided to contact Craig via email to see if he knew when he uploaded the pic that he was going to introduce people to incomprehensible horror.

"Unfortunately, I didn’t plan this (none of my truly funny bits are planned)," Craig wrote. "It was just a simple joke about getting random kid shit stuck to your body when you have children. I took a picture and posted a cropped version of the original."

A lesson to everyone. Be careful with your cropping.

At this point in the thread, commenters seemed to convene like health experts at a medical symposium observing a never-before-seen case of muscular disfigurement.

Craig knows there isn't enough mystery left in the world, so he chose not to reveal to his friends the answer to the question that was plaguing them in this comment thread. Until now.

Craig provided us with an exclusive first-look at the uncropped photo. Behold...

(Image courtesy Craig Baldo)

It's a foot! A weirdly hairy, "dawn of man" style human foot.

Nice job, Alicia. You were the first to nail it.

This all goes to prove one important thing: no one's body is a wonderland. Our bodies are terrifying mazes that can easily provoke confusion and madness if we look at them the wrong way. Fear the flesh.

Thanks for the mystery, Craig. Seek electrolysis.

(by Bob Powers)

Sorry, ladies, he's taken.

If you think your boyfriend is an immature man-child, get a load of this loser.

Xu Qing is a 29-year-old Beijing man who thought he had found the perfect career: sponging off mom and dad. Now his parents have been forced to file a lawsuit against him to get him to get a job and leave home.

It has been seven years since his parents put him through college, but he refuses to do anything but sleep and surf the Internet. When Xu Qing failed to get a job on his own (economy is tough bro, I feel ya), his dad set him up with a cherry gig at a friend's office but he still wouldn't work. Xu Qing quit that job after only 3 months because "it was too boring." He also applied for a couple other jobs but, wouldn't you know it, those happened to be boring too.

Dude, you're a 29-year-old loser who lives at home with mom and dad. You're boring. Taking a boring job would become the least boring thing about you.

What's worse is, somehow, this kid has a girlfriend. He met her online and he moved her in because she also doesn't have a job.

This is when his parents really started to notice they raised a monster, and when they tried to lecture him he said, "Even if I don't have a job, I have my right to love someone...as parents, you are obliged to feed me!"

Oh, but they're not, Xu Qing. His parents went to court and according to law, as reported by Shanghiist,  "Xu's parents aren't obligated to support their son, as he's capable but refuses to work. Because the house is under his parents' names, they can ask Xu to leave."

They did, and after six months their precious prince and his online princess refused to budge, so they went back to court for an eviction notice. 

This kid is one of the most embarrassing, un-redeeming people ever, which is why I nominate him to become the next reality TV star. If I wasn't sure it would make him rich, I would love to watch a show where cameras followed Xu Qing around as he went on job interviews and tried to explain why he's ready to start the boring task of taking care of himself. 

(by Myka Fox)

I can't stop seeing an ice-cream cone smushed on his head.

So, this happened. The Russian "political art group" (aka "state employees") Moscow Student Initiative created this laser light show for President Obama's 53rd birthday. 

This happened a few hours after unveiling this poster across the street:

"I don't see, I don't hear, I don't speak the truth to anyone. Nyuck nyuck nyuck."
That last part was fake. (via Gawker)

I'd say that Americans are outraged and are standing up to demand that we leave politics at the water's edge and defend our national pride against Putin's stooges, except obviously, many kinds of people who comment online love this.

Why would he not peel the banana? This makes no sense.

Depending on your political beliefs, apparently, one of two things happened last night:

1.) Pro-government Russian students made an overtly racist and homophobic laser light show that depicted the sitting and twice-elected President of the United States performing oral sex on a banana, before displaying the message "Happy Birthday."

Actually, let's forget version #2 right now. This is objectively what happened. Let's not make some kind of cable news mistake by pretending two versions of reality are equally valid. This isn't even a particularly huge deal, because Russians are...um...assholes. It's government policy. There were posters all over the country promoting the Olympics showing Obama, a banana, and the phrase "don't choke." 

рекламщики в городе Лысьва Пермской области решили выслужиться( #ИдиотыЕщеТеpic.twitter.com/F8N4CjGGqS

— MUHOMOL (@muhomol) July 26, 2014

They love monkey/banana/dick jokes (and so do a lot of people here in the US)—one of their Olympic caused an international scandal by tweeting out a photoshopped image of Obama eating a banana, and she was subsequently elected to Parliament.

Russians be like...

Just as a reminder, if a "student group" was to portray a pro-gay image of someone blowing something, they'd be beaten and sent to jail. This is cool, though.

Can we also keep in mind that, regardless of your opinion of Obama, the reason Russia is so angry right now is that the US and the EU have imposed sanctions because Russia is trying to annex even more of Eastern Europe, and they (at the very least) created the situation that brought down a passenger jet and killed hundreds of civilians? Or could there be...a stupider explanation?

Oh. So, you just want to gloat and pretend this validates everything you say after five beers and glancing around to make sure no one funny-lookin' is listening? Ok. Then version #2 of reality is for you! It is available in its full form on comments sections all over the Internet, particularly at The Gateway Pundit, which is where this story went viral in the US. It's kind of like the last stages of Ebola, but in comment form. 

Does that last guy think that Africa is a city?

Incidentally, there's a Richard Fontaine who is a former McCain advisor and currently president of Center For A New American Security. I'm sure it's not the same guy.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Be sure to whisper around this guy. (via)

Colton Haynes' Twitter bio reads "Actor. Uncle. Goof." The former model has done plenty of acting, but last night he chose to showcase his goof skills by live-tweeting a nearby couple's awkward first date. Haynes was dining alone, and to everyone around him probably appeared to be just another actor with a lot on his plate (Figuratively. No one in Hollywood ever has a lot on their actual plate.) and staring at his phone.

Little did Tracey and "Dan," the mulleted, still-married director, know that Haynes was listening to their conversation, and when he heard the guy attempting to impress the girl with his past sexual conquests, Colton decided to share the experience with his 936K followers on Twitter. Not cool! Humorous, but still, not cool!

If you're above this sort of thing, congratulations (I'm with you, just doing my job as an entertainment journalist!). The rest of you gossip-mongers should take a long, hard look at yourselves in the reflection of your smartphones, right after you finish reading this. 

I am sitting next to the a couple on their 1st date who met online and it's a conversation I have to live tweet about right now. Stay tuned

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

He's currently explaining to her the amount of women he's hooked up with after the first date...it's a lot

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

O god...he's still married

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

She keeps tossing her hair...I honestly think she's into it. They r now discussing name pronunciation...I have to secretly film this

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

She needs to speak up...now multiple ppl are trying to listen. I'm alone so I guess they have a one up on me but this needs to be documented

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

HE JUST CALLED HER THE WRONG NAME!!! After 30 mins of their date, he called her Terry...her name is Tracey

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Awkward silence followed by a bathroom break on his part...I can't get a read on Tracey yet

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Thk god he just peed...he's back. Cue Tracey leaving to the bathroom. Might I add, she didn't check her phone once, he just got on his

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Let's just name him Dan...he looks like a Dan. I am now staying at dinner to see if his horrible lines work...why am I so invested?

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Dan has a mullet...and a beard...2 things that could be love blinding Tracey...hurry the hell up Tracey, Jesus, the audience is waiting...

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

O shit...Dan is a director...should I make my presence known? #GodIhopeIgetIt

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Seriously Tracey...seriously???!!! Why u gotta make this hard on me,speak up and NEVER lean in when Dan goes for the "arm around chair" move

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

She just ordered a water. Was #TeamTracey but I think she's the coocoo 1. Dan is probs the swaggiest 60 yr old I've seen around these parts

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

They r currently talkin about their current/past relationships and I'm now getting sad that I'm putting this on display...ok not anymore

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Dan just said "There's a girl here that I call my cousin...but she's not my cousin, she's my ex girlfriend." I'm dying laughing

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

U guys...I am now sweatin laughing. I'm a terrible person but he just said he dated his second cousin once. I SWEAR ON MY LIFE HE SAID THAT

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Someone needs to turn Tracey's imaginary mic up cause Dan is bout to be the breakout star of this twitter show...

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

1. Tracey is prob gonna go home wit "Dan" 2. Ladies...don't go home with guys like "Dan" 3. Live tweet 1st dates without ppl knowin.

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Dan just said "my feet hurt all the time"...TRACEY ASKED FOR THE CHECK!!! Hell yes Tracey!

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Can I get a moment of silence to see how's this is gonna end...................shhhhh

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

No joke, I just followed them out (without paying yet) and Tracey just peaced out!!! Tracey-1, Dan-0!!!! Note to self: Do this more often...

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Note to self: Consider online dating just to teach ppl how to date...wait...IM LIKE THE HITCH OF ONLINE DATING!!! Sell that @GBerlanti

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

Sorry Tracey and "Dan" but I just had to get that on record. Im payin my bill now with a smile on my face. Thk you!

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) August 7, 2014

There you have it. I don't know what the future holds for Colton Haynes, but if things don't work out for him as an actor, it looks like he could have a solid career in the world of social media. Or, at least as a gossip columnist.

(by Jonathan Corbett)