Almost missed.
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This is what men are really saying when they hit on women on the street.
"Deep down, I know you're never jumping in this Ford Escape, girl!"
Rumor has it, once, at some undefined point in the relatively recent past, a man successfully enticed a woman stranger he had encountered on the street into joining him in a romantic relationship by sticking his torso out the passenger-side window of his friend's car and yelling a somewhat complimentary proclamation about her boobs. Granted, we don't know where this happened. Or when it happened. We don't know the circumstances, or the woman's mental state at the moment of engagement, or the level of ugliness of the man's face. We don't even know if it really happened.
However, this possibly apocryphal anecdote serves as incentive enough to keep generations of men across the globe in the business of making asses out of themselves on the street, as can been seen in this video. While you probably won't see many men being quite so honest in their actual endeavors, rest assured that this is pretty much exactly what they're really saying:
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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The cat chilling inside this mechanical claw machine isn't going anywhere.
Forget it, claw!
It's a rare occasion that we find ourselves in the perfect location for some much-needed relaxation, personal reflection, and quality "us time." We feel like we could spend the rest our day there, if not the rest of our week. But eventually, some giggling jerks are bound to come along and invade our sanctuary of quiet, and before we know it, a giant metallic claw is descending from the ceiling, trying to grab us by our skulls to pull us back to the real world. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Except, I guess, sometimes it's not so metaphorical. Case in point: This Russian cat inside this mechanical claw machine:
Keep up the fight, cat! You're living the plushy-ensconced life for all of us!
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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You will never love anything as much as this baby loves that TV remote.
Menu > Settings > Brain > Blown!
On the one hand, I'm kind of jealous of this baby here. Watching this video of this kid experiencing an unimaginable amount of wonder from a simple remote control makes me realize how cynical I've become over the years. A remote control is actually kind of an incredible invention. Even more so when it's in use. How great would it be capable of appreciating it with one-tenth the intensity of this baby?
On the other hand, my heart goes out to this baby. He's gonna be chasing this remote control high for years to come. He'll move on from remote controls to cordless telephones. And then maybe on to smart phones. Each time, he'll be seeking that same endorphin rush of amazement as that first time he laid his eyes on the colorful buttons of his TV remote. Always chasing. Always, always chasing...
Anyway, here's a really cute video of a baby and a remote control. Enjoy!
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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A couple was asked to babysit a friend's 6-month old, and sent hourly terrifying photoshop updates.
Fending off a cobra with the dirty diaper defense. (via)
Scaring first-time parents is becoming so common it's almost as if people are accepting babysitting gigs just to get in on the fun. Either that, or people have started using their creative skills to ensure that friends will think twice before asking them to watch their child a second time. Either way, if someone at Adobe isn't already working on a series of "baby in peril" templates, they should be. Although, there is a chance they don't want to encourage the practice of babysitters actually neglecting kids while Photoshopping them into fake danger, because if something went wrong, they could find themselves in one of the most ironic lawsuits in history.
Redditor ukalele says that the inventive mocked photos she and her partner sent to the new parents hourly were all in good clean fun.
Baby's first Jurassic walk. (via)
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This could be a scene from Sharknado 3. (via)
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Would've loved to have heard them explain this to the neighbors. (via)
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Congrats, you never have to babysit again! (via)
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Passive tense.
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Office shark.
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Elitist Scooter Dog terrorizes China.
I need to pick up a duffel bag at Jean Paul Gaultier. (Via Shanghaiist)
Check out Scooter Dog and his trained human. This is going on in Shenzen, China, where they let this dog scoot down the road like some kind of entitled snob.
Get me reservations for two and don't embarrass me again. (Via Shanghaiist)
Are scooters the only thing keeping dogs from being people? Scooter Dog keeps his paws nice and clean while this dude has to run next to him in sandals like a stupid jerk.
Not even Marc Jacobs. (Via Shanghaiist)
Human, you're not terribly important to me. (Via Shanghaiist)
Wait, Scooter Dog! Where are you going?!?
I have to return some videotapes. (Via Shanghaiist)
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16 Shark Week Greetings To Help You Laugh In The Face Of Certain Doom
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So hot.
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This collection of rare celebrity audition tapes is pretty fascinating.
"I think we've seen enough, pretty boy."
Watching this montage of Hollywood stars' early auditions must be heartbreaking for any aspiring actor. While the talent on display ranges from "wow" to "get the hell out of my office," you can't help but notice that nearly all of them are exceptionally good-looking people. And the few that aren't? They need the ability to tap into their high school memories of weekends alone, crying in their rooms—because they'd better be able to do it on cue.
There's no denying some of the talent. Robert Downey, Jr. and Lindsay Lohan clearly have that "thing," (as well as that other thing). Whereas, if Megan Fox didn't look like Megan Fox, the only acting she'd be doing is acting happy to tell you and your table mates about that night's specials, before heading into the kitchen to hand the order to Chef Keanu.
What must be especially terrifying for young actors is the realization that the upcoming audition they're already nervous about could one day wind up on YouTube to be goofed on by millions.
So, just relax and have fun! And do your best to be really good looking.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Hardworking penguin refuses to go home.
"May I take your order?"
This penguin found his way into the Boulders Beach Lodge and Resort and, for some stupid reason, the staff wanted him to leave.
Here's the video shot by Adriaan den Hartog.
I feel like they missed a really great staffing opportunity
"Scotch on the rocks... I mean ice!" (Via Disney)
(by Myka Fox)
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Too late.
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A student answered every employer on Craigslist with an ad about why the job market is a scam for young people.
This kid has a promising career as a consultant. These are great ideas.
This Philadelphia student, who signs their name as Unemployed and Over It, decided that instead of replying one-by-one to ads for jobs on Craigslist, he or she would respond to all of them at once with this PSA, entitled "Dear Employers," about the current state of American employment. It's the kind of creative idea that could eventually land them an internship if they kept working hard and giving away ideas like this for free for a few years—maybe they could get a gig at an advertising firm making major brands seem like they're counter-culture.
Everything about this is great, except for the typo in the first sentence. Unless this letter really is addressed to "you job listings."
For the record, employers: I am desperate people. Just sayin'.
Now, of course, he or she is a kid (most likely) and there may be certain subtleties about the $15 trillion system known as the US economy that they're missing. For example, if you train as an electrician, it's a lot easier to get a pretty good job (much harder to become a billionaire, though). But overall, the kid yelling about how the adults have reneged on their economic promises is right—as annoying kids who point out that things are unfair have an annoying tendency to be. Pay for those at the tops of companies has gone up by many multiples since 1980, yet pay for everyone else has gone down during the same period (all while GDP grew strongly and corporate profits did wonderfully, thanks to productivity gains). The former CEO of JC Penney got paid 1,795 times what his average employee got—and JC Penney isn't even profitable. Getting a bachelor's degree has become so expensive that it's no longer worth it, and there aren't even jobs to be found at the end. Even the minimum wage has gone down—when it was raised to $3.35/hr in 1981, it would be worth $8.61 in in today's dollars, higher than the current federal minimum wage of $7.25.
Now, if you'll excuse me, someone forgot to let the interns out of the basement for food this morning, and their wailing and gnashing of teeth is making it hard to get work done.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 11, 2014
1. Science Discovers The Secret To Happiness: Just Expect Everything To Be Awful
According to a new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers may have finally cracked the code to human happiness. And it looks a little like this:
For any dullards out there who can't grasp the meaning behind that equation, it essentially boils down to this axiom, according to the study's lead author: happiness “doesn’t depend on how things are going. It depends on whether things are going better or worse than you had expected they would." Or, to put it into more practical terms: expect the worst, and the world will always meet your expectations. That's essentially what the Buddha said, isn't it?
The key to happiness is trying to please everybody all the time.
— Ed Galvez (@EdGalvez) August 8, 2014
2. Conservative Activist Proves Our Borders Are Vulnerable To Idiots In Osama Bin Laden Masks
James O'Keefe—the conservative video activist who has made a career out of exposing the hypocrisies and corruptions of liberalism by dressing up as a pimp and luring women onto his dildo-stuffed boat—has just exposed something that should terrify every American citizen. He filmed himself crossing over a small body of water that separates Mexico from Texas while while wearing an Osama bin Laden Halloween costume, thus proving... well, I'm not sure exactly what it proves. Other than the fact that you should be scared, obviously.
While you sleep, I army-crawl across your dream-borders and sleep-steal all your dream-healthcare.
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) July 6, 2014
3. Global Movie Audiences Get Just What They Deserve: A 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' Sequel
You had to do it, didn't you? You had to go see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles over the weekend, thus contributing to the Michael Bay production's $93.7 million worldwide take. Just one week after making Guardians of the Galaxy the all-time biggest opening weekend moneymaker for August and making Hollywood consider the possibility that putting a little effort into their films might pay off in the long run, you just had to tell it, "Nope, never mind. We're swallowing whatever bullshit you feel like feeding us." Well, guess what! You get what you deserve. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 is officially a go!
I have a feeling the success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will usher in a new era of originality & daring in Hollywood.
— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) August 10, 2014
4. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Robbed Us Of The Chance To Turn Their Divorce Into A Media Circus
This just in: Acting couple David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have gotten a divorce... several months ago. How dare they! Their misery is for our fleeting entertainment! How can they not know that? I feel so betrayed right now.
Celebrity divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who really care about celebrity divorce.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) January 2, 2014
5. 18 percent Of Americans Are Long-Overdue For A Drink
According to the statistics pornography site FiveThirtyEight, 14.9 percent of men and 20.4 percent of women in the United States report that they have never had a sip of alcohol. How can that be? Just looking at those numbers makes my brain hurt. And my tongue sweat. I think... uh, I'm just gonna skip out to the corner pub to, um, clear my head for a short bit.
Once he got sober, the Kool-Aid man only ever used the front door
— Will Meh Weldon (@oldmanweldon) July 22, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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No extra credit.
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Safety tip.
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Someone edited the Kardashians out of their own show, creating a paradise for Bruce Jenner.
Keeping up with Bruce.
Are you tired of Keeping Up with the Kardashians but still want to follow the adventures of former olympic champion, current golf and surgery enthusiast, Bruce Jenner? Now you can, because someone with iMovie and time on their hands has identified the problem with the show (the Kardashians) and trimmed the fat (along with most of the plastic) from an entire episode, leaving only Bruce.
The result had all the existential angst of Garfield minus Garfield combined with the blissful inanity of porn without the porn, and it looks like the ideal world that Bruce probably describes to his therapist three times a week: a heaven on earth where he's free to putter around a mansion by himself, complaining to no one in particular about closet space, a cluttered garage, and the wife who is trying to prevent him from ever achieving his ultimate dream of having a putting green in the backyard.
The editing is so stilted that you're reminded how difficult life must be for Bruce in his own house, in that he can't string three words together without being cut off. It's also a reminder that the show is so packed with superficial insanity that you normally don't even notice a puddy-faced Ken Doll with feathered hair saying things like "I'm kind of feeling bad - this putting green is going in and I'm going to be out at the beach house all summer."
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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What sharks watch while we're watching Shark Week.
(Originally published 8/14/2012)
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Boardroom sharks.
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