Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

Enjoy a huge collection of horrifying package delivery videos that prove drones should replace FedEx.

0
0

The world on time... and in pieces.

I'm generally not in favor of replacing human jobs with robots, but I'll make an exception for the idea of replacing delivery people with drones. These drones may well deliver things to the wrong address, they may drop packages accidentally from great heights, and they might rise up and enslave their human masters. But at least they won't drop-kick your package onto your roof, because a.) they don't have legs and b.) they don't have the programming to hate you and your stupid packages and this stupid job. Not like these humans. 

The first video compilation at top is new, having just been put together by RSVLTS this week. The others, posted here below, are ones we've been hoarding over the years like so many iPads that got "lost" in the mail at Christmastime.


The "Season's Greetings"



The "Shattered Electronics Slide"



The "Fencetop Dishware Fracturer"



The "Underhanded Vase Fragmenter"



The "Long Distance iPad Cracker"



The "Chest Pop Pulverizer"



The "Leaning Tower Of Pieces"



The "Front Porch Fine Crystal Cruncher"



The "Load & Imploder"



The "Pile O' Breakables"



The "What can Brown kick the crap out of for you?"

(by Johnny McNulty)


A jealous dog watches from the window as a fox plays with its toy in the yard.

0
0


Fox sports.

Imagine watching from the kitchen while a bear cooked food on your grill, or coming home to find a monkey messing with your laptop. After the initial shock of finding a monkey in your house, your next emotion would probably be similar to the sense of helplessness going through the mind of Lupe the dog as she watched a wild fox entertain itself with the toy she'd left outside in Yukon, Canada. Whether you're a child, an adult, or a Chihuahua/Dachshund mix, no one likes it when other creatures mess with their stuff.

Then again, I might be projecting my own petty need for control onto this little dog, who only wants to go outside and play with the fox. Sill, pretty frustrating.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

A guy killed his roommate and asked Siri to find him a place to hide the body [UPDATED].

0
0


Siri, how much trouble am I in? (Via Alachua County Sheriff's Office)

Updated: It was found during trial that Bravo did not conduct that search on his own phone, but instead it was a screen grab in his photo album and does not prove he conducted the search himself, or that the information was sought to help him with a murder. Additionally, Bravo was using an iPhone 4 at the time, and Siri was not introduced to the iPhone until the following 4s model. His phone does, however, disprove the alibi that Bravo used in his testimony, and the flashlight records will still be used as evidence.  

[Originally] In September of 2012, Pedro Bravo was charged with the murder of his friend and roommate. They got into a fight after roommate Christian Aguilar began dating Bravo's ex-girlfriend, and Bravo responded to this betrayal by kidnapping and then strangling Aguilar. 

But then Bravo found himself in a bit of a quandary: what to do with the body. Yes, Pedro Bravo was from Florida, and as such should have had many examples on the news of hidden dead bodies. The problem with that is the news only covers the bodies that are found, and Bravo certainly was looking for the place where bodies aren't found. He decided to ask for help from the smartest person he knew, Apple's artificial intelligence program and nerd's best friend: Siri. 

Whizba reports that, according to his phone's records, Bravo asked, or rather told Siri that, "I need to hide my roommate."

She responded with the question "What kind of place are you looking for?" and then listed some good ideas like "swamps, reservoirs" and "metal foundries".


Thanks, Siri!

That happened on Sept. 20, 2012, at about the same time Aguilar disappeared.

His phone also betrayed him with a record of him using his flashlight 9 times in a span of 30 minutes that night. 

This was back in 2012, when Siri was just a naive A.I. function with little understanding of human morality and emotion, and like a good little employee, did her best to help her murderous owner.

She did not recommend "shallow grave in the woods," which is where a group of hunters ended up finding Aguilar's body weeks after he went missing. Looks like Bravo should have taken Siri's advice. 

Not that she's that helpful now. I decided to test Siri's loyalty for myself. You know, in case I were to find myself in a similar predicament:

Looks like someone taught Siri how to love. 

(by Myka Fox)

Coping mechanism.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 13, 2014

0
0

1. Study Finds You Have A 'Near Zero' Effect On Your Government, Which Is Slightly Higher Than The Zero Effect You Were Assuming

A new study to be published in the upcoming issue of Perspectives on Politics shows that the average non-wealthy American citizen who is not a corporation or the head of a business-controlled interest group has a 'near-zero' influence on the actions of the government. So, there you have it, the situation's not quite so bleak as it seems.


2. Woman Wins 'Math's Nobel Prize' Despite Being A Woman 

Maryam Mirzakhani—a 37-year-old, Iranian-born Stanford University professor—has just become the first female winner of the highly prestigious Fields Medal since the mathematics prize was established 80 years ago. In a press release, Mirzakhani called the award "a great honor," and said she hopes it "encourages young female scientists and mathematicians."


3. Hollywood Loses Its Sultriest Octogenarian

Iconic Golden Age Hollywood actress Lauren Bacall died in New York City yesterday from a massive stroke at the age of 89. She will forever be remembered for her part in some of the most memorable moments in cinematic history, such as this one from 1944's To Have and Have Not:


4. Your Grandparents Are Probably On The Meth

According to San Diego County records, one of the fastest-rising demographics in the methamphetamine-abuse community is the 50 and over group. "A lot of grandmas and grandpas are using meth and have been using for many, many years," according to a recovery center official. So, does this make hard candy a gateway drug? 


5. Harrison Ford And His Broken Leg To Stop Selfishly Ruining 'Star Wars'

Star Wars: Episode 7—which took a break from filming recently, after Harrison Ford selfishly decided to get surgery for his fractured leg—will restart production this month. Unless someone else decides to be a jerk and hold up everyone while they receive emergency medical care. Hollywood actors can be so egocentric.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Call me never.

Child Protective Services did not enjoy this grandmothers "joke" photos of her duct-taped baby being roasted in the oven.

0
0

Grandparents have really lame senses of humor. They're all like "Do you know what day Army Day is? March Forth!" and when you say "hey!" they're all "Hey is for horses!" and they're also all like "check out the duct tape I put over the baby's mouth! HAHAHAHAHA!" Wait...that last one doesn't sound right.


"You're going to regret this after you finish reading me Hansel and Gretel."

That's the kind of humor that Ohio grandmother Jackie Sheaks of West Columbus loves, anyway. She posted two images to Facebook that landed her in hot water: one of her granddaughter with a pacifier taped to her mouth (it looks as if there are airholes, and I'm sure (I'm not sure) that it was just for a second), and another where the baby was in a pot with vegetables as if she was about to be roasted in the oven. "It started out as just a joke; we put a little tape on the pacifier because we were being silly," Sheaks explained to WBNS-10TV, "we wanted to share it with friends because everybody that knows us, knows we play around like that." 


"I ate his liver with some mashed peas and a nice appy juice."
 

Child Protective Services and the police did not "Like" her photo, however, and soon showed up at her door. There have been no charges made, because in the end they were just photos. The girl's mother said she has no problem with the pictures, but that it made her feel good that CPS and the cops showed up to investigate.

As for granny Jackie, she insists "we're not horrible people that they are making us out to be....We would never harm our children, never."

I will say this about that kid: she is indeed so cute that you just want to eat her up. MMM.

(bJohnny McNulty)

Porn star busted for filming in a church because a parishioner recognized her breasts.

0
0


Busted by her own bust. (Via Austrian Times)

Babsi, a 24-year-old Austrian porn star has been charged with vilification of religious doctrines after sneaking a camera crew into her local church and filming a couple pornos. She only got caught because one of the parishioners recognized her by her breasts.

Stills from the porn circulated the internet show Babsi massaging her mammaries while holding a bible and a rosary. Very religious stuff. 

One of the churchgoers in the Austrian municipality of Hoersching said he had spotted her hand warmers in a clip while surfing the internet, and then went and told the cops. 

Hey dude, your hypocrisy is hanging out. You were just "surfing the internet?" Brother, please. You were totally into that porn until you recognized those rib cushions. If you were a more devout catholic you'd have learned to let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Maybe casting stones is a euphemism?

ANYWAY... 

According to a police spokeswoman, once Babsi got called out for her cannon balls she confessed to everything, and now she is waiting to see if she will get some jail time or just a fine. 

And for everyone who is concerned that the religious goings on at the church will have been nullified by those nectarines, pastor Bernhard Pauer says not to worry.

"The church does not have to be reconsecrated," Pauer told Austrian paper Kurier Daily. "The presence of God cannot be driven out by sin." 

(by Myka Fox)


A 14-year-old boy lived inside a Texas Walmart undetected for four days.

0
0


"I need a price check on a studio apartment." (via CBS DFW)

To most guys, the thought of being inside a Walmart for one minute longer than it takes to get your Brita filters and 8-pack of underwear is absolute torture. But one 14-year-old boy in Texas was so comfortable in Walmart that he lived there for four days in a couple of customized apartments that would make the average New Yorker jealous.

For a kid his age, the plan was pretty solid; live rent free at the 24-hour Walmart in spaces crafted out of boxes in two different aisles. He had access to all the food he could eat and even grabbed a pet fish to keep him company, which is pretty ballsy considering that many actual apartments don't allow you to have pets.

The kid may have gotten the idea from the Natalie Portman movie Where the Heart Is, in which she lives inside a Walmart after being dumped by her boyfriend. It's actually kind of surprising that Walmart hadn't already picked up on the idea and started renting out shelf space to people looking to live the Walmart lifestyle. 

He was able to go undetected for so long because he changed clothes every few hours, and wore diapers so he wouldn't have to use the bathrooms, which seems like an odd decision even for a kid living in a department store.

Another reason he went unnoticed is that the security in that particular Walmart is worthy of some award for being the worst security in department store history. The only reason he was caught was because employees noticed the piles of garbage he was leaving around the store, which is so typical. A teen boy going so far as to wear diapers and change clothes in order to go unnoticed, yet still can't clean up after himself.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Vern Troyer just won Shark Week

0
0


Just so you know, TV producers, I would totally buy "Verne-nado" on DVD. Twice.

Verne Troyer, everyone. The man who melted even the evilest of hearts as Mini-Me has proven he can even make sharks adorable (despite the fact that he's lacking a friggin' laser beam on his friggin' head). We all love Shark Week (or at least the Internet would have you think we do), but very few of us actually get dressed up for it. Maybe Verne Troyer just really loves television because he was raised Amish. Verne Troyer was raised Amish, by the way. I hope you weren't near any water when your mind got blown just now, because you might end up attracting sharks.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This 4-year-old girl is unbelievably sad that she accidentally deleted a picture of her uncle.

0
0


The face of someone who has received unwanted wisdom.

How could little Cadence here have known that deleting a picture of her beloved Uncle Dave would make that picture go away forever. Sure, you know that, but you're not four years old. Toddlers can scarcely comprehend the concept of "next Christmas," let alone "forever." But when you actually discover what it means to lose something "forever"—what it really means—that's gotta be tough.

That's what makes this YouTube clip so emotionally stirring. Obviously, Uncle Dave can send more pictures. That picture is not what Cadence really lost. What she really lost was a fragment of her innocence. And like that digital picture, she can never get it back.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Someone fixed the NY Daily News' disgusting Robin Williams front page.

0
0


There's a typo, though: It's not spelled "ocassionaly"—it's "pretty much always."
(via Village Voice)

The New York Daily News, aka the junior varsity New York Post, is Gotham's second-most-popular heartless, tasteless, mindless tabloid rag behind the Post. Today, however, they made a strong play to be the most vile. Their Robin Williams cover wallowed with glee in the gruesome details of his unfortunate and heartbreaking suicide. Fortunately, Alan Scherstuhl and the rest of the folks over at the Village Voice took the time to imagine "What The Daily News Robin Williams Cover Should Have Looked Like." You can also go there to see the original version (don't give the Daily News any traffic to see it), although I won't post it here because it was literally sickening.

It's very rare that America really decides there's only one correct narrative about a story, Daily News. This is one of those times. Get your shit together.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Appreciate the public offer to reach out to you when I'm depressed, but I've been waiting 3 days for your textback about lunch.

0
0
rachel lichtmanWed, 13 Aug 2014 17:28:01 EDT

Appreciate the public offer to reach out to you when I'm depressed, but I've been waiting 3 days for your textback about lunch.

That's enough.

Is this shadowy figure on the surface of the Moon a human? Happy Place investigates.

0
0


Yep, that's a dude. 

BREAKING: After an intense 10-minute investigation, a team of the brightest scientific minds at Happy Place has confirmed that the shadowy figure appearing on the surface of the Moon is that of a human being. The Moonwalker was spotted by an explorer named Jasenko using the Google Earth's image map of the Moon landscape, then posted to YouTube by wowforreel, someone we're assuming is also an esteemed scientist.

Others have concluded that, because there is no atmosphere on the Moon, and therefore no oxygen, there is a zero percent chance of the figure being a human. However, as Happy Place's Chief Forensic Cosmologist points out in a leaked memo obtained by me,"[the figure] has legs just like a dude, and appears to be, like, walking around."

Of course, NASA and the U.S. government would like you to believe that the figure is the result of a trick of light, a camera glitch, or a hoax. If that sounds familiar, it should. Because it's the same thing they said about Bigfoot.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


A guy decided to propose to all the princesses at Disney World.

0
0


I always pictured Cinderella with a more sleeved man.

When Blaine Gibson—a member of the Austin, Texas-based comedy group Rooster Teeth—went to Disney World recently, he brought with him something very special: a wedding ring. And with that ring, he attempted to land himself a real life Disney princess. As you can see in the picture above, Cinderella was flattered. But the fact that he went on to make the same offer to Ariel the mermaid makes me think she ultimately said no:


It'll never work. One of them is from a dangerous place
where humanity cannot survive. And the other is from the ocean.


I'm starting to question the seriousness of this guy's intentions.


Come on now! Tinkerbell isn't even a princess.
And isn't she supposed to be six-inches tall?


Jasmine is clearly hip to this guy's game. 


Not in Florida's current political climate.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Last night, Conan told the story of the time Robin Williams cheered him up by buying him an insane gift.

0
0


It'll probably take a week or so to get through all these stories. Settle in.

In the past 36 hours or so since news of his death, it's become clear that the joy Robin Williams brought to people through his movies and standup was just the icing on the cake. It was difficult to be online for even a few minutes yesterday without reading another first-person tale of an encounter with Robin Williams that reflected his humor, his rare humility, and his generosity. 

There was this classic one from Norm MacDonald. We had Chris Gethard's story of Williams showing up at the Upright Citizens Brigade to do some improv on a random night. Then, last night on his show, Conan shared this gem:

It's commendable enough for someone in Hollywood to refrain from celebrating the professional misfortune of a peer, but that's also some impressive gift-giving. By comparison, and as long as his name came up, all Norm got Conan during that time was a crappy gift basket:

(by Bob Powers)

Empty inside.

The most hilariously inappropriate notes ever written by kids.

0
0


Should have just picked one. (Via

Kids are shockingly disgusting, perverse, and inappropriate. They're also our future. So we should probably pay attention to the weird messages they're passing to each other during class, because someday they'll be teachers, cops, and senators still passing poorly spelled notes with overtly sexual content. Here are some of the best kids' notes we've ever seen, and by best we mean they'll make you question ever having children.


But if you do ever want to sniff my fart, you know where to find me. (Via

.


Now he is the head of Monsanto. (Via)

.


P.P.S. Fuck Fun Friday (Via)

.


Sincerely, Tara Reid (Via)

.


Better check those brakes. (Via)

Updated 7/10/14:


This kid writing to his parents is really getting a jump on his teen years. (Via)

.


All day long? How does she find the time to teach? (Via)

.


She did say balls. The kid is human.(Via

.


She was trying to write "cute"? I hope? (Via)

.


If it makes you feel better, everyone living is also dying.(Via)

.


Seriously, Valerie. Run girl! (Via)

Updated 5/22/14:


She really needs to find a job where her boss respects her.(via)


Blunt, but concise. (via)


Dr. Lawrence has excellent handwriting for a doctor. (via)


At least she told you where she was. (via)


On the other hand, you may look handsome. Who is Nicholas to say? (via)


Better you learn now that it's a crul, crul world. (via)

Updated 4/24/14:


You'll get your diamond earrings when you start flossing, kid. (via)


That's cool. It happens. (via)


Kids these days can't even spell "cunt." (via)


TV will keep your teacher from being lonely, don't worry. (via)


And hopefully studying my dictionary. (via)


Well that's just a reasonable request. 
(via)

Updated 3/31/14:


You go girl. (via)


A simple, but effective plan. (via) 


Adults these days are horrible spellers. (via)


Always vomit with caution, young one! (via)


Inconsistently and with lots of scratching? (via)


There's an implicit threat of bodily harm in this note that makes me uncomfortable. (via)

Updated 2/26/14:


There's no limit to how many times she'd ceck on her brother. (via)


Thanks for the not-at-all creepy love letter! (via)


I'd be worried, but I'm too distracted by your grammar. (via)



I'm flattered. No one's ever called me cunt before. (via)



Tell no one, Ashley. (via)



Seriously Chad, what is your deal? (via)

Updated 1/25/14:


Seems pretty accurate. (via) (Click here to see the rest...)

 


Where does she circle to lead him on for the next six months? (via)

 


That diagram is crystal clear! Crystal! (via Huffington Post)

 


When apologizing fails, be honest. (via)

 


And WHAT?!! (via)

 


LOL that bitch deserves someone better. (via)

Updates 10/10/13:


But rest assured, they will not fail again.(via)

 


It's never too early to teach rap education.
(via)

 


Oh god, the red.
(via)

 


He's probably putting way more hearts on his girl's notes.
(via)

 


Dear Julia: Ew. Love, T.F.
(via)

 


Never fight a man armed with a lolepop.(via)

Updated 9/13/13:


Don't believe him, girl! He's just trying to get between your sticks. (via)

 


No no, break her heart the day before your anniversary. Sigh. You'll get there. (via)

 


Always ask for consent before putting your special thing in there but. (via)

 


 Why would anyone want to shoot a cat with a gasoline pump? (via)

 


Hate to break it to you, Julian, but you're still getting hit in the middle. (via)

 


Of course you love me. If you didn't, you would talk to me. (via)

 


What I'm trying to say is, you look like a sack of potatoes. (via)

 


Honesty is the most delicious policy. (via)

 


Oh, well if she's got those tet tet's, go to her. (via)

Chaos.

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images