Learn quickly.
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Guy calls his cable company just to tell them everything's great. Not surprisingly, they're stunned.
"I think I'm falling in love with you."(via)
As a couple of recent stories involving Comcast have made clear, to say customer service agents have a bad reputation is like saying cavities aren't beloved. People don't like dealing with them for one reason: if you're calling them, you're already unhappy, and their job is to convince you that suffering is a part of life and that your path to true happiness somehow involves a more expensive package.
Being on the receiving end of those calls must be a tough gig. Especially when the person you're dealing with is not the actual source of any problems, just the poor soul whose job it is to act as a human shield for a faceless conglomerate feasting on humanity one dollar at a time.
That's why Someecards editor Dan Wilbur decided to flip the script and call an Optimum Cable customer service representative to let her know how satisfied he was, and that their relationship was in a good place. Just one man doing his part by bringing joy into someone else's life.
Will it make a difference for the average consumer? Probably not. But if enough people take Dan's lead and start calling companies just to brighten their day, it might become easier to get an actual human on the phone.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Hard worker.
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If you're not surprised by the ending to this twerking video, there's something wrong with you.
OK, the degrading and stupid nature of the event aside, this is totally normal so far.
Twerking, huh? It's 2014, and I'm an adult who lives on the Internet. I've seen it all. Bring it on.
......the fuuuuuuh?
What.
How.
Why? Oh. There's an answer to this, and that answer is Romania. This video was apparently shot at the Magic Delta Fest in the town of Sfântu Gheorghe.
Goodnight, humanity. It's been a good run.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Police in suburban standoff after family is taken hostage by "ball of fury" housecat.
Police negotiating with Cuppy, the housecat who had had enough.
(Screencaps via ABC News 10)
Housecats. They cuddle up against us for warmth, mewl at us for food, purr at our touch. But do we really know them? When you look into your cat's eyes, do you see warmth and empathy, or darkness and a thirst for blood?
With the domestication of the housecat, did we simply populate our homes with time-bombs waiting to detonate?
One police standoff in Chula Vista, CA would indicate the answer is yes.
"He's vocal, and claws, and just a ball of fury," a neighbor speaking to ABC 10 said of Cuppy, the housecat that held his owners hostage in a bedroom for hours before the police arrived to confront the pet and hear his demands.
The call came in at around 4 AM, after a mother and her adult daughter had been held prisoner in their own home, hiding behind a bedroom door, protecting themselves from the animal they'd cared for as a pet for fourteen years.
"When the daughter would move, he'd swat, shredding up her nightgown," reports ABC 10.
A neighbor assisted police, providing them with a broom as "weapon." The standoff came to an end when police were able to coax the cat out of the house, speaking in the kind of high-pitched, nonsense gibberish that the beast could understand.
This incident might have concluded peacefully, but the question remains, who's to blame? The housecat for turning on the people who've fed him for fourteen years? Or the owners for thinking that a fanged, clawed killing machine that is capable of inspiring fright in giant bears can be tamed by something as fleeting and valueless as human affection?
In march of this year, a similar incident occurred when a family called 911 to be rescued from their 22-pounder. This isn't the first time this has happened. But will it be the last?
(by Bob Powers)
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Wanna see a tornado start?
Our brave hero: Car.
For a CCTV recording of a parking lot, there's a lot of drama in this video. At first, you think this is just the story of a small twister that will only form above that puddle, but then you realize: this is a narrative film. We meet our protagonist, Car, as she pursues her goal that seems just out of reach: a good parking spot. Then, through character development, she realizes that what she really wants is a safe parking spot. Finally, like Spielberg's Jaws, the suspense is heightened by not letting us get our first glimpse of the tornado until :47. Then, it's all crazy, especially at 1:00.
OK! Remind me never to park in the Midwest.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Woman caught impersonating her dead sister while wearing that sister's memorial shirt.
Talk about a two-way twister. (Via Slidell PD)
On August 5th, Dolores Jones was admitted into a Slidell, Louisiana hospital. Unfortunately, there was nothing the hospital could do for her because she was already dead.
They were able to help Diondre Jones, 26, however, because she checked into the hospital under her deceased sister's name, and gave them her sister's social security number and date of birth. She did not give them her sister's date of death -- they figured that out for themselves after they treated Diondre.
According to WVUE, the hospital processed "Delores" paperwork and received an error message stating, "Date of Death Precedes Date of Service".
Diondre was still in the hospital parking lot by the time police caught up to her. They asked why she gave her sister's information, Diondre pointed to her shirt and said, "They must have gotten the name from this shirt."
The shirt she was wearing was a memorial shirt that commemorated her sister's death.
What better way to honor her sister's life than trying to extend her own?
Either Diondre is a Toni Morrison fan ("A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves — a special kind of double."), or she is the world's dumbest criminal whose health coverage is worse than a dead person.
Diondre was booked with one count of medical fraud. If convicted she might face jail time where she would hopefully receive free medical treatment and a new shirt.
(by Myka Fox)
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 15, 2014
1. Society-Wrecking Gay Marriage Could Generate Half A Billion Dollars In State Revenue
Reports from a think tank at the UCLA School of Law show that legalized marriage equality could pull in more than $464 million in just one year for the eleven states analyzed in the study. That's a lot of money for state legislatures to turn their nose up at just for the opportunity to make two dudes feel bad about themselves.
The only marriage I believe in is a nice, old-fashioned sham marriage between a nice gay man & a nice gay woman. #values
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) August 11, 2014
2. Christian Singer Tricked Millions Of God-Fearing People Into Liking A Gay Person
British Christian singer-songwriter Vicky Beeching came out as a lesbian during an interview with the U.K. newspaper The Independent earlier this week. "What Jesus taught was a radical message of welcome and inclusion and love," explained the musician who is no doubt hemorrhaging fans as you read this.
Waking up & knowing you can truly be yourself is such a refreshing feeling. Slept better last night than I have in years. #Grateful
— Vicky Beeching (@vickybeeching) August 15, 2014
God causes weather based on a community's view of gay lifestyles. That's why San Fran's weather is generally nice and Kansas has tornadoes.
— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) July 30, 2014
3. Bunch Of Scientists Getting All Excited About A Few Specks Of Space Dust
Scientists are out-of-their-minds excited to have discovered seven particles of outer space dust that were brought back to Earth by the Stardust probe back in 2006. These appear to be the first particles that have originated outside of our solar system that humanity has had a chance to observe. "These are very precious particles," said a physicist who was talking about a few pieces of space dirt.
#CitizenScientists find cosmic dust from before our Solar System formed http://t.co/N1HyK6eZK1 via @CosmicRamipic.twitter.com/1gGPouCx4h
— Alan Duffy (@astroduff) August 15, 2014
Think I've upset some mafia astronomers, I woke up this morning with the Horsehead Nebula in my bed.
— Tony Cowards (@TonyCowards) November 20, 2013
4. Sylvester Stallone Outs Arnold Schwarzenegger As The Driving Force Behind His Career Full Of Bad Career Moves
While talking to Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night, Sylvester Stallone explained that a desire to keep up with action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger was a key factor in many of his biggest career missteps, including Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Rhinestone and pretty much everything else he did after Rocky and First Blood.
"What if I acknowledged I'm a has-been, but made myself King Has-Been?" Sylvester Stallone brainstorming The Expendables.
— Gladstone (@WGladstone) June 13, 2014
5. Looks Like The Empire Gave Its Stormtroopers A Fashion Makeover
What appears to be a newly streamlined design for the Stormtroopers' helmet was leaked to the Internet the other day. Not since pictures of Mark Hamill's Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque beard surfaced online two days ago have Star Wars fans been more excited over a photograph.
"Those WERE The Droids I Was Looking For: A Memoir" by Stormtrooper 2149-FSE-3991
— Dull Ass Will Weldon (@oldmanweldon) March 12, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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The very least.
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Tis the season.
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Woman bakes a cake for her boyfriend's 30th birthday that is more attractive than her boyfriend.
"I AM THE UR-CAKE. YOU ARE JUST A FLESHY IMITATION OF ME." - Cake
This guy, who is dating the skilled cake-baker known as redditor creepitreal_, seems like an alright dude. He looks like your average Philly hipster who wears jerky-related t-shirts.
This cake looks like what would happen if you defeated all the members of ZZ Top in a video game and then you had to face the boss Top (Bozz Top?), a floating, bearded head that shoots lasers from his shades.
This guy looks like he is kinda stoked about turning 30.
This cake looks like it has seen all of the past and all of the future. This cake looks like God thought it would be funny to be a cake for a day. This cake might suddenly inform you that you are the Chosen One it has been searching for over the past millennium.
That cake looks tasty.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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The makeup transformation trend is here and it is already ridiculous.
If only. (Via)
There's a new makeup transformation trend on Instagram right now. It started out simply enough, everyone getting on the contouring bandwagon and showing how they could make themselves look like celebrities.
Like this:
I almost believed this one. (Via)
But then it started to get weird...
This cat is totally on board. (Via)
And people stopped really trying...
(Via)
And just embraced the Internettyness of it all.
The purrfect man. (Via)
.
Pitbull. Get it? (Via)
.
Cup of Timberlake. (Via)
.
I believe in reincarnation now. (Via)
The meme of memes...
From Jesus to Yeezus. (Via)
For more up-to-the-minute ridiculous Internettyness, check out #MAKEUPTRANSFORMATION
(by Myka Fox)
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Syrian rebels (the good kind) took time out of opposing Assad to salute Robin Williams.
A diamond in a very rough place. (via Occupy Kafranbel)
Since 2011, the town of Kafranbel in Syria, a place known as a creative hub, has created political cartoons and English-language messages to help spread awareness of the pro-democracy struggle there. Often, these messages feature themes of compassion for victims of tragedies in the West, with one notable example being their condolences after the Boston Bombing.
Syria sent a message to Boston, and Boston sent a message back. pic.twitter.com/jBAvxyXtzH
— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) April 22, 2013
While it can't be justly compared to an attack like the Boston Bombing, the passing of Robin Williams has emotionally impacted millions of people in the US and abroad. They picked a very appropriate quote from Aladdin (which is set in the fictional city of Agrabah, somewhere in nearby Arabia), subtly reminding us of their lack of freedom. It's much more gentle than some of their other messages, which are pretty overt in their attempt to jolt you out of your apathy.
In this three-way conflict, the citizens of Kafranbel represent the anti-Assad, pro-democracy side that made us want to support the rebels before the presence of militant Islamic fundamentalists like ISIS complicated the whole situation (namely because we feared they would steal any weapons we shipped over—which they ended up stealing from Iraq instead). I'm not really qualified to explain the whole thing, so why don't you check out a real news summary on the subject.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Watch a bunch of old-ass adults struggle to explain millennial slang terms.
These, apparently, are not make-believe words.
Do you have any idea what a "THOT" is? Can you use the phrase "O.T.P." in a sentence? Would you even begin to know who to refer to as your "BAE"? If so, you're probably not one of my friends.
And you're probably not any of the people from this BuzzFeed video, in which they asked a bunch of elderly thirtysomethings to do their best at explaining the latest words and phrases that the kids are using. They don't do very well:
To be fair though, you probably don't know what a "Chachi" is any better than they know what a "THOT" is. How about a "Gleek" or a "Godzuki"?
And there's no way you know what a "Deney Terrio" is. No way.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Mom arrested for using the f-word in front of her kids.
She could give a fuck.
Looks like you can't say fuck in a grocery store anymore, or you're going to get fucking arrested.
Danielle Wolf of Augusta was grocery shopping with her husband and children when police placed her under arrest. Apparently, a busybody narc in the store noticed her using the f-word, considered it child abuse, and called the cops. What is even more fucked up is that the cops took this seriously and charged her with disorderly conduct.
Wolf told WJBF about the woman who followed her around the Kroger, "She's like, 'you said the f-word', and I'm like, 'when did I say this to my kids?"
The incident report has all the obscene details. Specifically, the fuck-narc was following her down the bread aisle when she observed Wolf tell her children to "stop squishing the fucking bread."
Fuck may be a powerful word, but apparently it wasn't powerful enough to get Wolf's kids to stop squishing the fucking bread, because they kept squishing the fucking bread. So Wolf had to repeat herself. This was all too fucked for the narc so she narced the fuck out of Wolf and got the cops involved.
Wolf remembers the scene, "He was like, 'You're under arrest'...right in front of my kids, in front of my husband, in front of customers."
Un-fucking-believable. Wolf and her family had only been living in South Carolina for three weeks when she learned how seriously the locals take their bread aisle.
And Wolf says that's not even what went down. She said that she was telling her husband not to squish the fucking bread because he was putting frozen fucking pizzas on top of it.
Local news, weather, sports Savannah | WSAV On Your Side
Wolf still has to appear in court for the case, although she has received an apology call from the lady who narced her out, saying that hearing the f-word triggered memories of her own abusive childhood. She was trying to protect Wolf's children the way that no one protected her.
That might have been the right thing to do... if those kids were actually being abused.
But watching their mom get arrested will probably fuck them up way more than just hearing the word "fuck."
(by Myka Fox)
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The 6 Stupidest Jokes Made About The Dallas Cowboys
We love our users who create their own cards, but sometimes they can display levels of stupidity on par with a brain-damaged former linebacker. We collected some of their worst work to get you ready for the Baltimore Ravens-Dallas Cowboys preseason game. Enjoy.
That last joke is so old it was probably originally about the Houston Oilers. Make your own card here, just please make it better than any of these.
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The Pros & Cons Of Living In A Police State
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Woman caught smuggling a tit-ton of coke in her breast implants.
You always get the best drugs from surgery.
A woman got caught smuggling 2 kilos of cocaine in her breast implants. That's about $30,000 per tit if it were sold on the US streets, or the amount it would cost to get 12 breast augmentations.
According to the Euro Weekly News, the 43-year-old Venezuelan woman landed in Madrid from a flight from Bogota, Colombia (no prizes for having guessed that one) when cops decided to question her because they noticed "a nervous attitude and strange behavior."
Once she was getting all the attention a woman with implants deserves, they noticed her breasts had, "certain irregularities and odd shapes."
Well, I never!
The woman broke under the pressure (fortunately, her implants didn't). She fessed up to the fuzz and was immediately transported to a hospital to get the literal fun bags removed. As soon as the surgery was over she was arrested for drug smuggling.
I don't know what's weirder, agreeing to transport coke in her tits or ratting herself out. I'm not saying she should have agreed to do this in the first place, but once you've already healed and made it off the plane... you might as well get some money out of the whole ordeal and stay out of jail. I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to just cut you open to look for cocaine, no matter how lumpy you are.
Edit: A previous version of the article had the country misspelled as "Columbia." My apologies to anyone who found that to be too disgusting to read.
(by Myka Fox)
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Looking good.
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Going nowhere.
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