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Iggy Azalea falls off stage like she's giving lessons in physics.

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First things first, falling objects accelerate 10 meters per second per second. 

Iggy Azalea bit it while rehearsing for the VMAs this weekend, taking one too many steps backwards into an unplanned stage-dive. The performer was fine, or at least fine enough to take some Tylenol (that's what the kids take these days, right? Tylenol?) and do the main show on Sunday. I guess there could only be one flawless performer at the show, and Beyonce already had that spot reserved.

There you go! Is your palette cleansed? Will this help you get through your meeting this afternoon? Great! Now you just have to avoid the real news for the rest Monday, because let me tell you: it is full of frowny-faces today. 

(by Johnny McNulty)


Sad returns.

Blue Ivy Carter stole the VMA's. Keep up mortals!

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Blue "Boo!" Ivy

Despite their divorce rumors, Jay-Z brought his and Beyonce's 2-year-old Blue Ivy with him to watch Queen Bey at last night VMAs, and they stole the show. It's clear someone's been helping mommy practice at home.

The cele-baby sat on Hova's lap and danced along during the 16-minute performance. Dressed in a silver gown, Blue looks like either a cabaret dancer who has perfected her jazz hands, or a conspiracy nut in a reflective blanket trying to scare away a ghost. 

The Jay/Bey babe even made the stars star-struck, and caused Katy Perry to go all-caps on Twitter

If only it were that easy.

(by Myka Fox)

This bullmastiff carrying groceries into the house will make you want to get a dog.

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Now get the clothes out of the dryer.

Even though Bullmastiffs are considered working dogs, most of them don't have jobs. That is, unless you consider lying around the house, cuddling, and drooling a full time gig. Even when they do have jobs, it usually involves guarding something by scaring the living crap out of anyone thinking about messing with it. But in today's job market, you have to take whatever you can get. That's why, when there are groceries that need to be carried into her onwer's house, Millie the bullmastiff springs into action with her tail wagging.

And in case you were wondering, this video was shot in Scotland, and they're speaking English. Just in an accent so thick that Groundskeeper Willie might need a few listens to get what they're saying.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Newspaper prints racist joke names under photo of city councillor with Asian-American supporters.

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Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too! No? This isn't a 19th-century presidential campaign? Ok.

The Philadelphia Public Record, a free newspaper-type publication that has been running in the city for the past 15 years, published a photo of City Councilman Mark Squilla enjoying some "Asian-American" cuisine with some Asian-American supporters. The only problem was that the caption was not only error-riddled, but contained three (extra) racist fake names: Me Too, Chinky Winky, and Dinky Doo. What makes it worse was that, as far as slipping-racist-names-into-the-news pranks go, this is no Asiana plane crash. Considering the Public Record's business model relies heavily on renting out space and articles to people running for political office in the city, you'd think "we won't make you look racist!" would be a fundamental guarantee. 

When Philadelphia Magazine broke the story, they asked "former Philadelphia City Councilman turned federal inmate Jimmy Tayoun, Sr," the Public Record's publisher, what had happened. He insisted it was a "proofreading error." If this seems slightly out of touch, here's a photo of Jimmy Tayoun, Sr:


This is a photo Jimmy Tayoun, Sr. uploaded to his Facebook accounton purpose.

He continued to describe it as a proofreading error even after it was pointed out that there were 11 names for only 8 people in the picture. He seemed to say that the writer had put in placeholder names that were "nicknames" and forgot to delete them before publishing. Tayoun went on to say that it couldn't have possibly been racism because the Public Record is "the most inclusive publication in Philadelphia." He then explained that the reason the it all happened was because "that editor is a Britisher." Fucking Britishers, am I right? Racist barbarians, every one of them.

Mr. Tayoun, are you seriously claiming that your "newspaper" has proofreaders? First of all, you misspelled "for" in the first line. "For"! It's three letters long and spelled exactly as it sounds! It's even easier than "four" or "fore"! Secondly, how many restaurants have you ever been to that advertise Asian-American cuisine? Or Italian-American cuisine? If something is called Blank-American in the restaurant business, that usually means that in addition to whatever foreign cuisine is being offered, you can also buy a crappy hamburger. Finally, even though we already know there are three extra, racist names, I have my doubts about Hao Hello as well—but even I can't figure out what the joke is supposed to be in that one.

The Public Record did eventually go on the record as being against this, and they have fired the Britisher responsible: 


So go ahead and buy a political ad in the most sensitive newspaper in town!

Well, you know what they say about Philadelphia: if thousands of fans aren't hurling ice balls at you while you're in a Santa suit, why are you even complaining?

(by Johnny McNulty)

This cockatoo doles out Milk-Bones to a couple of great danes like a king to his peasants.

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Let them eat Milk-Bones!

Here we see Spike, the umbrella cockatoo, grandly dolling out Milk-Bones to the great Danes below like a plentiful king to his waiting peasants.

Only, these dogs aren't paying taxes or working the land, so the question is, what's in it for Spike?

I can only suspect there is a cat around that Spike, despite his mastery of boxes, can't manage to take down. So he is currying the favor of the giant dogs to carry out the job.

After all, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

And the enemy of my enemy, when high on milk bones, is my accomplice assassin. 


Yaaaaarrrr!

(by Myka Fox)

The Kardashians were texting and chatting during a moment of silence for Ferguson.

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"Hold on, I'm just tweeting about how awesome this moment of silence is."

So, last night during the VMA's, the rapper and actor Common requested that the audience observe a moment of silence for Michael Brown, the 18-year-old shot and killed by police in Ferguson, MO, whose death has sparked massive protests in that town. No matter what you think of the protests, if someone asks for a moment of silence for a dead kid, you hand over a moment of silence.

Unless you're the Kardashians. Kim Kardashian, Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner (from left to right in photo) were all in attendance last night at the Video Music Awards...because Kim was in that one video with her new husband, Kanye West...I guess? Anyway, a moment of silence proved to be too much for them, because the cameras from MTV's livestream cut to the trio futzing around on their phones and chatting. Needless to say, the reaction has been negative.

There were also allegations of other misbehavior during Common's speech, although sadly no one caught this one and immortalized it in .gif form.

Several questions remain after all of this. The biggest is whether this was truly live or someone at MTV made a very poorly-timed (or excellently-timed) decision to insert some taped crowd shots. The next biggest question is whether or not this will finally destroy the Kardashian empire. The answer is "no," because none of us have the attention spans for that and I've already forgotten what we're talking about. Ooh, Kardashians! I have to go check on my Kim Kardashian: Hollywood game, I think I'm trending!

(by Johnny McNulty)

Single ladies.


A guy told his girlfriend he had been kidnapped so he could stay out and party.

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Leave a couple of six-packs in unmarked paper bags.

A 32-year-old Manchester man told his girlfriend that he had been kidbnapped just so he could hang out at a house party. 

It wasn't a total lie. He had been kidnapped—by good times.

According to Greater Manchester Police, the girlfriend called the man—he was unnamed by police, so lets call him Drunky—at 6:30pm, but even though the sun was barely going down, Drunky already knew he wanted to stay out and party. Whatever Drunky must have thought would happen if he told his girlfriend the truth, he must have imagined it would be worse than if he concocted a terrifying lie.

Drunky's friend answered the phone for him and told the girlfriend that Drunky wouldn't be coming home. He had been... kidnapped. 

The anonymous man on the phone continued to explain that Drunky would not be released until a 50-pound debt Drunky owed had been repaid. Later, she got to speak to Drunky himself and he confirmed the story. He told her that he was being held against his will. 

Despite the obviously petty ransom, Drunky's girlfriend became worried and called the police. That's when the Drunky-hunt began. They analyzed where the mobile calls came from and conducted a house-to-house search. They even arrested one man, who told the Manchester Police "that it was a 'ruse' so that the man could stay out and drink." The arrested man was subsequently released without charge, but the manhunt continued to the house party where they found Drunky at 1:30am and arrested him. 

The Drunky-hunt sucked considerable resources from the police department on a usually busy Friday night, an event Inspector Jo Clawson described as being “without doubt one of the most foolish and irresponsible incidents I have been involved in."

To avoid wasting more time and money, police allowed Drunky to escape the incident without being charged. Instead, he was punished with a set fine and released. 

Of course, his real punishment will be having to face his girlfriend after a lie like that. Once you've faked your own kidnapping just so you can party without your girlfriend, it's safe to say the romance is gone. 

At least she learned early what a liar he is, unlike this other woman who didn't find out what a wet turd her fiancé was until he faked his own death

(by Myka Fox)

This girl's Ice Bucket Challenge video ends in an adorable knockout.

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Bathing suit provided by the 1920s.

The first indication that this lovely Irish girl may not be up for the Ice Bucket (or any other physical) Challenge is the fact that she felt the need for water wings and goggles for a stunt involving 2 gallons of water. The second hint that the challenge had the potential to go horribly right is that her mother, as she's pouring the ice into the bucket, says, "I really don't like doing this." Her instincts proved to be spot-on. She might've added, "without a helmet," because it would've certainly come in handy during her daughter's failed escape attempt.

Even though the big finale seems pretty painful, by the end of the clip they're all able to laugh about it. If nothing else, it went from being just another boring Ice Bucket Challenge video to being a shoe-in for the deluxe edition of the Ice Bucket Challenge Fails montage. 

It's also a good thing they had plenty of ice on hand. 

(by Jonathan Corbett)

John Oliver literally obliterates a piñata to force hyperbolic websites to write accurate headlines.

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Not to be confused with the piñatas they sell at the local adult toys store.

John Oliver is fed up with going online on Monday mornings to read how he and his new HBO show, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, smashed, destroyed, "verbally pantsed," or ruthlessly murdered the various people or topics he mocks on his show. He's not the first person to complain about absurd Internet headlines that claim that everything that ever happens is the "best ever" or "will restore your faith in humanity" or worst, "is everything"—but this is one of the few times someone who regularly gets showered in this over-enthusiastic praise has complained about it. Now, in this web-only video, he's doing something about it.

Ostensibly, he's doing this so that when websites say he "literally destroyed" something, they'll be accurate. He does makes a good point, though: piñatas are the embodiment of absolute evil.

Now, this trend isn't new, it's borrowed from political writing, which has been reflexively describing every offhand comment by politicians as "ripping," "slamming," "destroying," or some other extremely-violent verb-ing a rival politician for years. Indeed, that's how the transition started, by those same headline writers applying this rubric to Daily Show or Colbert segments. With the extended, vicious rants that Oliver is allowed to do on HBO, however, he's now monopolizing headlines using annihilation-based exaggerated clickbait.

Not that we would ever do something like that.

(bJohnny McNulty)

Elephants dance and sway along to classical music.

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Caution: Elephants may appreciate the finer things in life. 

Eleanor Bartsch was warming up for the Wisconsin Chamber Orchestra's performance of the Bach Concerto for Two Violins at the Circus World Museum in Baraboo, WI when she decided to serenade her neighbors, 44 and 55-year old elephants Kelly and Viola. To her surprise, they loved it.

These two elephants have been living together their whole lives, and apparently have developed the same fine tastes. Elephants have long been believed to appreciate music, hopefully next time Bartsch will give them an instrument to play along, like this man did for another elephant, Peter.

So elephants can dance and play music (kind of). Let's set them up with some computers and see if they can't start writing articles about themselves. 

(by Myka Fox)

Old at heart.

Eventful weekend.

What To Watch Out For Tonight at the Emmys

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  • In order to pay tribute to Breaking Bad and save airtime, Seth Meyers will perform on methamphetamine.
  • Multiple actors will be caught streaming the Every Simpsons Episode Ever Marathon on their phones during the ceremony.
  • In the middle of the ceremony, Lady Grantham will come out on stage and inform the theater that the Academy has gone broke and needs to move to a smaller theater right now unless, somehow, someone can give up their fortune to keep the ceremony going. 
  • In Memoriam section will accidentally show actors who are still alive, like Donald Sutherland and, of course, Abe Vigoda.
  • In Memoriam section will accidentally show someone nobody liked.
  • Sudden blackout during final speech while Journey song plays, à la The Sopranos.
  • In support of the "voiceless masses" who only wield power in the film world instead of television, Bryan Cranston will allow Harvey Weinstein to accept his award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. 
  • Riff Raff will show up with Jessica Lange in matching black patent leather tuxedos.
  • Kevin Spacey will sweep the awards for Best Actor With A Tweet About Scandal and Best Original Tweet About A Scandal Script.
  • Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series will go to HBO's marketing department for managing to hype up True Detective Season 2 already.
  • Mandy Patinkin will make that grumbly sound he makes whether he wins or loses.
  • People will look at Game of Thrones actors and picture them naked.

(by Dan Wilbur and Johnny McNulty)


5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 25, 2014

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1. The World Survives Yet Another VMA Ceremony With Only Minimal Carnage

MTV—a basic cable channel notable for featuring zero music videos—hosted its annual Video Music Awards ceremony again last night. And it was a big, big night! Miley Cyris did something. Iggy Azalea did something else. Nikki Minaj probably did something or other. And, of course, Beyoncé outdid everyone in the something department.


2. Hip-Hop Mogul Suge Knight Tells Death To Go F--- Itself After Being Shot Multiple Times

Former CEO of Death Row Records Marion "Suge" Knight was shot several times during R&B artist Chris Brown's pre-VMA party yesterday. The hip-hop impresario—who was also shot during Kanye West's pre-VMA party back in 2005—is expected to live to be shot at future pre-VMA parties.


3. 'True Blood' Receives Merciful Death

Fans of HBO's True Blood were finally set free last night after the long-running erotic vampire/werewolf/fairy/minotaur series aired its final episode, in which, true to form, a bunch of ridiculous shit happens.


4. Michael Sam Rescues Fan From His Own Dumb Promise

Shortly after Twitter user @SquareKnight promised every single person in the world that he would get them drunk forever if Michael Sam were to sack Cleveland Brown quarterback Johnny Manziel and flash "the money sign" during Saturday's game, the rookie St. Louis Ram did just that. However, Sam magnanimously let @SquareKinight off the hook by allowing him to simply give a bunch of money to a charitable cause. Great for the charity, but I'm stone cold sober over here.


5. Thousands Of Boobs Set Free For Yesterday's International Go Topless Day  

Men and women in countries all over the world took off their shirts and exposed their nipples yesterday for the annual International Go Topless Day, created to bring awareness to the pro-equal rights movement seeking to give women everywhere the same opportunity men have to walk around with their chests exposed. As this seems like a cause that benefits everyone, it seems odd that it's taking so long to catch on.  


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A Google intern posted a photo of all the free stuff they got. Jealous interns of other companies responded.

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In all seriousness, though... you suck, Google intern, and we hate you. (via)

A recently-finished Google intern went on reddit this weekend and submitted this photo of all the cool free stuff he got for taking Uber rides to fetch coffee for entitled programmers. This inspired a lot of responses, some fueled by envy, most fueled by humor, about what other people got from their internships with (for the most part) less-generous organizations. There were one or two interns who also got impressive hauls, though, most notably the person from Microsoft who was clearly being bribed not to go over to Google:


Downside: wearing any of these changes your default browser to  Internet Explorer. (via)

Then, some people posted the free stuff they earned from internships at places you'd really think would have better gear, like the US Congress and the video game company EA:


Even on the floor, this mug is higher than Congress' approval rating. (via)


Don't worry! You can download more items of swag for $15 each! (via)

A disgruntled intern from Apple insisted they got nothing, although commenters preferred to imagine this is a sneak peak at a giant new iPhone:


And here I was thinking this was a commentary on Foxconn conditions. Dumb me! (via)

After that, however, most of the responses were jokes, and it was officially (if briefly) a meme. Here's one from an "intern" at everyone's least-favorite customer-torturing company, Comcast:


I heard Comcast is going to reduce the flow to just a drip unless you pay more. (via)

And here's the haul from Brazzers, the venerable porn site:


And to think EA didn't give out a single joystick. (via)

This, of course, is the haul from an internship at reddit itself:


I like to imagine that kittens pop spontaneously from Internet servers these days. (via)

This, of course, is what you get if you intern at Los Pollos Hermanos, the fast-food chain from Breaking Bad:


This makes me want to take a nap. (via)

At this point, however, the Internet kinda started feeling like this was over, so let's follow their lead and go out with this one that also depicts an internship at reddit:


How are we gonna know the horse is dead until we beat it some more? (via)

What did you get from your internship this summer? College credit? A line on your resume? The knowledge that you will never have job security and look at each future intern as a potential threat? A travel mug?

(by Johnny McNulty)

This three-year-old kid remains the best action hero in Hollywood, with a little help from his CGI-guru dad.

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Without a net... or pants.

You might remember Action Movie Kid—otherwise known as the luckiest child in the history of the world—from a couple previousposts here. 

His father, Daniel Hashimoto, is an animator for Dreamworks who's been spending the past several months making every father with an Internet connection feel hopelessly inferior because they can't turn home videos of their boring, normal little kids into amazing sci-fi action films like he can:

Hashimoto claims he's gonna post tutorials eventually, but I haven't seen any yet. And, quite frankly, I wouldn't post any if I were him. Eventually, someone's bound to come along and use his CGI secrets to create an evil arch-nemesis for his son. And kids shouldn't start getting arch-nemeses until at least junior high.

If you were feeling kind of lost while watching Action Movie Kid: Vol. 2, then you might wanna check out Action Movie Kid: Vol. 1. That should bring you up to speed and give you some insight into Action Movie Kid's motivations:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Clean slate.

Young adult.

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