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Delayed reaction.


Your boss called.

6 new contenders for the single most entertaining note ever written by a roommate.

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Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pops.(via)

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.


And look for an apartment like you live with a psycho.(via)

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Typical delicious/aggressive behavior.(via)

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A few more letters and it would've been done, dick. (via)

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Fucking love you too, Dad.(via)

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Thanks for the "$5.00," Colleen! (via)

Updated 8.27.14


A stoner roommate could read that the wrong way.(via)

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Impressive, if he actually reached the milk.(via)



Why, when there's a perfectly usable sheet left?(via)



Too good to be mad about. Unless it's not head hair.(via)



Hope he likes cold pizza. (via)


That looks oddly delicious. Also, "honeys" count as roommates when they act like this.

(via)

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The artist couldn't sign his work due to a broken hand. (via)


My instincts tell me that was no accident.(via)

Or, you could've just written "pay bills."(via)

A sign that you're probably too old to have roommates.(via)

"I could change the roll, or take out my phone and..."(via)

It's impossible to read that without hearing his voice. (via)

Updated 6.05.14


It's the thought that counts.(via)


Thanks for the pancakes, Mr. Pinkman.(via)


The man in the mirror is a huge dick.(via)


Yep, that says "puke."(via)


Even his notes stink. (via)


First line of the worst porno ever. (via)

Updated 5.05.14
 


Mistakes are life's tasty lessons. (via)


"Why yes, toilet paper roll, I -- dammit!" (via)


The old "How to Get Your New Roommate Naked with a Spider Note" trick.(via)


"Ew, ew, Captain."(via)


Good luck with that auto-erotic asphyxiation.(via)


TL;DR already packing my stuff.(via)

Updated 4/04/14


I guess the short answer is "maybe?" (via)


Great weed. Bad idea.(via)


You would, dick head.(via)


"Who's been slut-shaming my soda?" (via)


How many ways are there to use a plunger, Kevin? (via)


I've always wondered how to play craps. (via)

Updated 3/08/14


I bet this guy is high maintenance. (via


If a sock means "sex," I don't want to know what this is for.(via)

 


I've had roommates that would see this and think "pan roasted dove!"(via)

 


This message is probably more for the guys.(via)

 


Smart Water for a smart ass.(via)

 


How a true butthole pays his rent. (via)

Updated 1/08/14


Given a choice, I'd rather eat pizza that the cats nibbled on. (via)

 


Things can't be that bad if you're still getting wi-fi. (via)

 


If these get eaten it's time for a new roommate. (via)

 


Not bad, but it may get confusing when you try to store poops. (via)

 


It that's where they keep the milk, tossing it might not be a bad idea. (via)

 


Not cool. But at least you get to eat the Pixie Sticks. (via)

Updated 12/11/13:


Ouch. You just got out passive-aggressioned.


Um...are there drugs in it?

 


In this case, honesty is the weirdest policy.

 


Pretty nice of them to capture it, actually.

 


They don't. Someecards probably does, though.

 


No smiley face, Cindy?

Updated 11/13/13:


Also, boyfriends are like dirty clothes; don't leave yours on the floor.

 


"I feel more comfortable complaining about the notes by note."

 


I'm impressed it responds to anything at all.

 


Great method for dealing with lazy ant roommates.

 


Then I have to get my shit together enough to actually clean it. Two-three weeks?

 


Pretty cheap for either.

Updated 10/15/13:


You don't need to have roommates for this to be a terrific idea.

 


The most considerate possible reaction to finding your roommate peed all over the floor.

 


Seems like a much, much grosser solution than just flushing.

 


The spider was in the midst of writing his own tiny note:
"Got stuck in god damn cereal today...fuck."

 


Because pooping just isn't exciting enough.

 


Chris may be going to the gay club, but he likes boobs, you understand?

Updated 9/17/13:


Not sure that post-script was necessary.

 


Hunter, live up to your name!



Better than: "Give a call or you might see a ball."



He died as he lived: with power tools.



But evidently not magnetic poetry.



Yeah right, like anyone's gonna steal a Lean Pocket over a French bread pizza.

Updated 8/16/13:


With the cost of avocados today, that's only about a quarter for your trouble.

 


Please clean up your insects after yourself.

 


Ooh, burned by a white board meme.

 


Also I prefer to be called Reginald, thanks.

 


Now that's just common disgusting courtesy.

 


It's worth it! It's stifling in here!

Updated 7/22/13:


We wouldn't want to be part of such a hairy roommate arrangement.

 


Why write 3 separate notes when all your issues can be encompassed in one?

 



Beware. The spiders have their own tally.

 


Monday night is trashnacht.

 


Clint starts fires!



As far as we're concerned, as long as his penis only touched the outside, it's still good.

Updated 6/20/13:


Wait. We have a cat?

 


And bread and to come to terms with our parents' divorce.

 


We'd honestly prefer this type of sign to be set up on all tp-less toilets.

 


4. Have craziest night ever!

 


It's the number for his Murderers Anonymous group.

 


No matter how bad they are, we still want one.

 

Updated 5/24/13:


Unfortunately, that stuff looks like what's been on CNN every day.

 


"FapNapping" needs no translation.

 


So, I'll just leave the knives there...and this note you can't read in the dark.

 


We'd rather be hunted by teens than chase a spider.

 


Sorry. Cat available for petting trumps human in need of sleeping.

 


We stopped trusting you when you left us something to flush.

 

Updated 4/23/13:


This could work out really well for the boyfriend.

 


Aim for the head.

 


How does the artist know the shitter is jubilant?

 


Like that Al Pacino movie "Insomnia," except with smellier fingers.

 


She has loud sex that she has to apologize for AND access to cinnamon rolls? Want her life.

 


Doing dishes sucks. We'll take the cocks.

 

Updated 3/18/13:


Just do it, no matter what "it" may be.

 


Also enrolled you in a scientology course, hope that's cool!

 


No one is more concerned about Susie collecting cat piss than the cat.

 


Not going to try and prove you wrong.

 


Joe already gives his teeth Flintstone chewables. He shouldn't be doubling up.

 


Many roommates have lost themselves in the endless piss-seat loop.

 


Ben Kingsley was excellent in this kitchen.

 

Updated 2/8/13:


This is considerate, and it doesn't judge those who do want such things.

 


Who can keep from passing out long enough for a hot pocket to cook?

 


The roommate is staring at that last sip, checking his watch, waiting...waiting...

 


How can we add "or when you're awake" to the deal?

 


8:40, or, if you're into it, 8:45. Whatever works for you. I'm not a "rules" guy. Oops, vomiting.

 


Lease plainly states, "Write your 30 days notice on some cardboard before moving out."

 

Updated 1/14/13:


Jeff is bad at bribes.

 


11) No asking why I am this way. Just know that I have been hurt before and it won't happen again.

 


Raisin Bran tastes so much better carbonated.

 


High people tell the worst stories.

 


No wonder Michael's catch-phrase is "I prefer to stand."

 


Seems legit.

 


Thank God "Peanut butter 4 my balls" wasn't included in "Sandwich Stuff."

 

Updated 12/5/12:


I think you're confusing your your Sammy LJ roles but the point still stands.

 


Average male-female rooming ratio: 80% of the fridge belongs to female, 80% consumed by male.
 


Does her/his roommate only have one fork? That might be the larger problem.
 


That means you, Alex. I'm saving this spider for when I get up in the morning!!!
 


Let's just hope that there is an emergency and this person's life is improved by cleansing fire.

 


Thank you, Jay. Jaq? Jag? The point is, what a polite note of depravity.
 


Prophet Eric earlier prophesied a wrathful plague of deleted DVR episodes, and verily 'twas true.
 


And it was then Chris realized the Boyz would never advance 2 Men.
 

Posted 11/14/12:


Everyone spent the next few days walking very gingerly around the apartment.

 


And you thought younger generations don't send thank you notes anymore.

 


And from then on, Sajid would never wear underwear ever again.

 


T.J really likes to sleep if the main issue with someone peeing on the floor is the noise it makes.

 


Thanks Brendon. Enjoy...um..."Fagtown?"

 


Use the wings you've been given to fly far away by the end of the month.

 

Updated 10/8/12:

 

Nothing tears apart an apartment share like a baked good suicide.

 


If you have time to learn to read and write in English, you have time to clean your own puke.

 


Cockjuggling used to be big before Puppetry Of The Penis swept the nation.

 


He seems like a good listener.

 


Trickle down government is trickling really far.

 


In our day a sock on the door handle meant "I Hope You Die" but we were classier then.

 


Guess "All Of The Above" is fair game then?

 


Sad thing is the cashier at CPK wrote that.

 

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A guy moved into an apartment he was told was "damaged," and found this.

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I'll make a man out of your door. (Via Imgur)

Redditor bran_liggers recently moved into an apartment that the landlord described as being "damaged." While I'm tempted to guess what would cause bran_liggers to make a hasty decision like moving into a damaged apartment sight unseen (fleeing the mob, fleeing an ex-girlfriend, fleeing a flea infestation), I'm more curious as to why the landlord would use the word "damaged" to describe the place. He should have described it as, "awesomely improved."

No reason to get all bent out of shape just because the bathroom door is. Look at this expert craftsmanship! Sure, the previous tenant probably broke the door accidentally, but accidents are just opportunities disguised as doors. (Is that a quote? It should be!)  It would be easy to just replace the door with a boring new one, but this one has character! Literally, a character from the Disney film Mulan. And if Mulan can become a man to defeat the huns, then this door can become one of the other characters (Shang) to defeat the monotonous trend of non-broken-and-then-decorated bathroom doors.

Plus, now whenever someone at that apartment has to eliminate their bowels, they can say they have to "get down to business." 

(by Myka Fox)

Run away.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 27, 2014

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1. Unless You Happen To Be A Black Person, Your White Friend Probably Doesn't Have Any Black Friends

According to the findings of a new survey from the Public Religion Research Institute, three-fourths of all white people have zero black friends. And, while an average white person with 100 friends in total typically has just one black friend, a black person with 100 friends has eight white friends.


2. Jon Stewart Finally Tells Us How We're Supposed To Feel About Ferguson

Newly back from a summer hiatus, Jon Stewart laid into Fox News for the way that they've been covering the Ferguson situation on last night's episode of The Daily Show. "Why all the interest in holding police officers to a higher standard than gangs?" Stewart asked in response to Fox correspondents wondering why the media wasn't covering black-on-black violence as stringently. "They both flash colors and, yes, one of them has been sworn to protect and defend, but still."


3. Chelsea Handler Grabs Hold Of Last Opportunity To Make America Look At Her Naked In 'Chelsea Lately' Finale

As everyone knows, the best part about being a celebrity is that it gives you the opportunity to make everyone look at you naked whenever you like. And since last night was the last episode of the long-running E! chat show Chelsea Lately, the show's host Chelsea Handler took advantage of her last night of basic cable stardom to get naked and jump up and down one last time.


4. Smoking Pot Reduces Domestic Violence For Reasons That Should Be Pretty Obvious

According to a new study, couples in which one or both parties regularly smoke pot together report fewer incidences of domestic violence. Though this is likely attributable to the mellowing effects of marijuana, it could also be that they were too lazy to pick up the phone.


5. The World Is Wasting One-Third Of Its Food Output — Good Thing No One Out There Is Starving To Death

According to recent research, the world wastes approximately one-third of all its food. That's about 1.4 billion tons of nutritious materials every year. This chart shows where, besides your ungrateful kids' dinner plates, the food is getting lost.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

High and dry.

A woman did the Ice Bucket Challenge on a horse. The horse wasn't having it.

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The Ice Buck-her Challenge.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him stand still while you pour a bucket of ice water on his back. That's not a popular saying for a reason, because most people would never think to do that. But, as we've seen time and time again, the Ice Bucket Challenge has inspired people to attempt all sorts of idiotic things in the name of charity. I'm not complaining. At this point, I'm no longer interested in seeing videos of people pouring water over their heads and saying, "Ooh, that's cold." Zzzzzz.

The word "challenge" is in the name. So fill those buckets and keep pushing the boundaries of good sense. Not only will your questionable judgement continue to raise awareness and money for a good cause, you'll be helping millions of others in need of a good laugh.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


The 'Daily Show' has been on vacation during the entire Ferguson story. Thankfully, that ended last night.

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When people say Jon Stewart is the face of news these days, this is the face they mean.

Big news stories over the last decade have had an irritating tendency to break while the Daily Show and the Colbert Report are on vacation, but the shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO and the protests and police crackdowns that followed is a story that stands out. This saga is fraught with tension, and it's being subjected to a relentless counter-narrative from conservative news outlets like Fox News. But although some things are complicated—the timeline of the protesters vs. the police, explaining why police have tanks, figuring out why police released an unrelated video allegedly showing Michael Brown robbing a convenience store—it's also a very simple story once you strip away the hysteria that's been intentionally added by the media. And that's something Jon Stewart and this show do very well, so thank goodness they're back.

You tell those out-of-touch white guys, white guy who pretty much usually gets it. You tell them.

(bJohnny McNulty)

World's Wooliest sheep found wandering wild in Tasmania.

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There's a ram in there, and maybe some goats and chickens, too.

No, that's not a low-floating cloud. That's Shaun, the never-shorn sheep.

Tasmanian farmers Netty and Peter Hazell found and captured what they believe to be the world's wooliest sheep. At six years old, Shaun, named after a children's TV character, is thought to be have been wandering around the scrubland for years on his own, and has never been shorn. 

"He couldn't see very well because of the wool over his face, so I snuck up behind him and grabbed him," Peter told ABC of Shaun's daring capture. "Then Netty and I went and got the ute [utility vehicle] and put him in the back and brought him into the yard." 


Shaun literally had the wool over his eyes.

"It is the heaviest sheep I've ever lifted," Netty said. "I just couldn't believe it, I just could not believe a sheep could have so much wool."

It is estimated that Shaun has about 25 kg, or 55 lbs, of wool growing on his frame. If he is carrying more, he could possibly earn the world record, which is currently held by a New Zealand sheep named Shrek, who's wool weighed in at 27kg. 


Matting don't matter. This wool is still well. 

Based on his tag, it is thought that Shaun came from a farm on Tasmania's east coast, which is a pretty incredible distance for the ram to have travelled, especially while growing all that wool.

Peter Hazell is surprised at how Shaun has managed to survive in his condition because, "usually they get cast and can't get up, or they get fly-struck or the hot weather gets to them."

Not only is Shaun a survivor, but the Hazells, along with sheep judge Ray Peters, believe that the wool is still in excellent condition.

"There's three or four good jumpers in there," Netty said.

Three of four sheep jumpers? Only a few more and a fence and we've got ourselves a fine way to fall asleep. 

(by Myka Fox)

Making it.

This couple rescued a "gluttonous gopher" too fat to wriggle out of his hole.

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More like gopher a jog, amiright?

I have no idea what the body mass index for a "normal" gopher should be. Happy Place is about positivity and celebrating life in all its forms. So let's not focus on the fact that this plus-sized gopher found himself stuck while attempting to exit a hole that gopher society considers "normal-sized." Instead, let's honor the good deed of the kind-hearted couple who stopped their car when they spotted one of God's full-figured creatures in need of a hand. Or Two.

The description of the video, posted to YouTube by PshiAl and translated from Russian to English, says, "Someone ate too much and paid for it. Stuck in his own hole in the middle of the main road of Olkhon . Had to bail out gluttonous gopher. Sorry for the vertical."

Don't apologize to us, PshiAl. Apologize to the gopher you attempted to embarrass with words like "gluttonous." Shame on you!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Woman fails to realize she's sharing her house with 5,000-wasp mega-hive.

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We should have never let grandma outsource her knitting. (Via John Birkett)

The problem with having a spare room in your house is the guests. 

A Hampshire exterminator from Longwood Services Pest Control took on the biggest job in his 45 year career on Sunday after being called to tackle a colony that wasps had built in a spare bedroom.

John Birkett told ABC News Today that he "dressed up looking like 'Batman and Robin,'" before going into the room. He was shocked at what he found. 

At 3ft wide and 1.5 feet deep, Birkett discovered the biggest nest he had ever seen, built by an estimated 5,000 wasps. They had consumed much of the mattress, bedding and pillows to create their wasp mansion.

"It was like the horror film 'Birds,' but [with] wasps."

And instead of two hours of a lighthearted psychological thriller, it was two hours of spraying and swatting "left, right, and center." 

"In that nest, there must have been up to 700 queen wasps," Birkett told The Guardian. "It's amazing that the woman didn't realize she was living with them.."

The homeowner had been living alone in the five bedroom home, and the spare room was on the second floor. She hadn't been in there in months. Her visiting son was the one to discover the nightmare and realized a window had been left open the whole time.

Birkett managed to destroy the whole nest and kill the wasps, although it was a bittersweet victory for him. "It was a work of art and they had worked so hard," he told The Guardian. "But she [the homeowner] looked at it and said, 'No, no, no - you've got to get rid of it.'"

Birkett remained impressed.

"If they did that in three-and-a-half months, that's amazing, isn't it? They're just little things."

Yeah, amazing...

(by Myka Fox)

Idris Elba goes on national television to confirm our suspicions about his penis being fake.

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Why do I never end up in wacky misunderstandings like this one?

In the immortal words of Bill Murray, "Yes, it's true. This man has no dick (in a picture that was captured on camera by paparazzi two weeks ago)." I might be paraphrasing somewhat.


I mean, if it was, you'd think he'd have figured out how to store it by now.

On August 8th, the Internet erupted in a tizzy when photos leaked from the set of Idris Elba's new film, Hundred Streets. No, not because the explosive chemistry between Elba and co-star Gemma Arterton—because it looked like Elba was rocking a five-dollar footlong in his bespoke trousers. You can read more about the hubbub over Stringer Bell's swinging balls in my article "No, that is not Idris Elba's dick." It was my contention, in answer to the rhetorical question posed by everyone, that unlike the notorious image of John Hamm walking the streets of NYC, this was not, in fact, a celebri-dong sighting. As Elba demonstrated last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, I was right:

So, I may not have been 100% right (I speculated it was a pack of Benson & Hedges cigarettes), but I was definitely righter than those who were fantasizing about Elba's tripod. Sorry, Internet. Looks like the only way you're going to see that is if Idris gets cast in the next season of Game of Thrones. He is British, though, so you never know.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Tips For Recognizing Satire On Your Newsfeed

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by Dan Abromowitz

In recent weeks, Facebook has been testing the addition of a new [SATIRE] tag for headlines from satirical websites, designed to help people distinguish real news from fake stories. It’s currently being applied to both actual satire, like The Onion and Clickhole, as well as viral hoax sites like the Daily Currant and the National Report.

That’s all well and good, but it suggests that a lot of folks are struggling to tell the difference between news, satire, and fake “satire”—a valuable media literacy skill. In the interest of ‘net betterment, here are the questions to ask to figure out what’s satire... and what’s "satire."


Is it from The Onion?

Let's start easy. Recognizing satire from The Onion should be easy as recognizing a dog: you ask yourself, “Hey, is that a dog?” And if it's a dog, you say to yourself, “Yeah, sure is.” And you smile, because you saw a good thing. That's The Onion.

Verdict: It's satire!


Is it from The New Yorker?

So you've come across a headline that resembles something from The Onion, but it's wordy, cloyingly liberal, and instead of making you laugh, leaves you cold and a little bummed out. And, because it's on The New Yorker, your parents' friend Peg has posted it ("Sarah Palin does it again!") under the delusion that it's real, breaking news from a publication that never covers breaking news. Is it satire?

Ish! That's the Borowitz Report, an absolute juggernaut of site traffic for NewYorker.com, and it panders softball garbage packaged to dupe liberals into thinking it’s actual, shareworthy "wild" news of Mitt Romney's latest rich-guy thing. It’s a pretty ingenious strategy, since the target audience are the same folks who, on learning their mistake, will readily defend it with, "Well, but it could be true!" Having made a fuckzillion dollars off of creating The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Andy Borowitz has spent the rest of his adult life juicing the lowest-hanging fruit; the Borowitz Report is his dribblings. He also clearly edits his own Wikipedia article.

Verdict: It's satire, but c'mon.


Is it from a site you don't recognize?

Context is crucial for recognizing satire, but some sites go out of their way to sound generically news-y to give superficial legitimization to their bullshit scoop, as though their founders generated site names with pairs of neutered sex dice. Slap together any permutation of "News," "Daily," "Viral," "Report," "Record," "Science," and "World," and you're good to crank a few thousand bucks out of Google ads through blind click-throughs, as long as you remember to bury the operative word "satire" somewhere out-of-the-way, like a little abused Snowpiercer child.

Verdict: It's "satire," like how punching your little brother is a "joke."

Is it about Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Michele Bachmann, John McCain, Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi, Kim Kardashian, Rush Limbaugh, Kanye West, Hillary Clinton, or Donald Sterling?

Follow-up questions:

  • Does it involve a particularly ironic misfortune befalling them (e.g. "Kanye West Breaks His Nose Trying To Kiss His Reflection")?
  • Does it take the easiest possible approach to its subject, without any hint of original thought (e.g. "Donald Trump Reveals He Wears Wig")?
  • Is it structured as a context-free, incendiary/idiotic pull quote by a public figure who only ever appears in the news next to context-free, incendiary/idiotic pull quotes (e.g. "Sarah Palin: 'I'd Let Putin Motorboat Me To Save Ukraine')?
  • Is "twerking" in there anywhere?

Verdict: It's "satire."


Is it shared by one of your sensationally and/or ideologically-inclined friends?

With social media, context clues extend beyond the piece itself. We've all got Facebook friends who surf their days away on wave after wave of moral outrage, churning with all the discernment of a woodchipper through intoxicatingly infuriating blog posts, and sharing them with a "disgusted. can't even." To parasitic "satire" websites looking to go viral, these folks are their patient zeroes. So when you see "Absurd: Woman Gets KICKED OFF PLANE For Mentioning Her Period!!" pop up on your feed from Johnny Danger Linksalot and think to yourself, "Hey, that shouldn't happen," there's a pretty good chance it didn't.

Verdict: It's either "satire" or hatebait; either way, it's internet backwash.


Is it actually making a point?

Sometimes, satire is actually satire! Believe it or not, words still have the power to cleverly expose commonly-held fallacies, reframe assumptions, draw meaningful comparisons, make us self-conscious, and offer perspectives beyond what's readily apparent! And sometimes they still do! It's just up to us, as readers, to approach what we read with a healthy balance of openness, skepticism, and irreverence to allow any of that to actually happen. So, regardless of its source or packaging, if you find yourself reading something that's making you somehow laugh and think at the same time, take a second to note that this is what it's supposed to feel like. It's nice, right?

Verdict: That's satire, baby!

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.


The Buffalo Crunch Donut looks so gross, it'll probably make a bazillion dollars for Tim Horton's.

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The KFSadness Bowl of doughnuts.(via)

I know what you're thinking: you could really go for a doughnut, but you're not really in the mood for something sweet. Right? Why has nobody ever thought to make a savory doughnut? Or, better yet, a spicy doughnut! So weird. You'd think somebody would do that, because it sounds like such an amazingly un-terrible idea that would never make anybody vomit into their takeout paper bag.

Oh, wait. What's this over here?

What a coincidence! Hot sauce-flavored pastries from Burger King's new Canadian acquisition, Tim Horton's! Finally! And they're meat free! 'Cause if these "Buffalo Crunch" doughnuts—as found at the New York State Fair—had meat in them, that would be gross, right?

What if you love weird-tasting desserts, but don't have the palate for spicy cuisine? Does Tim Horton's have an option for you? Of course they do: 

 (by Dennis DiClaudio)

Justin Bieber invoked Princess Di in a Tweet after his Ferrari was rear-ended. Freakout ensues.

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That is so Princess Di. (via)

At this point, Justin Bieber could find the cure for ALS and still manage to ruin it by making the announcement while smoking a blunt in crotch-drop pants (because he would totally do that). You can't even call him divisive anymore because the only people left defending his behavior are people on his payroll and girls who have invested so much money in Bieber bed sheets and curtains that they're kind of stuck with him until they can move out of their parent's house.

So it's no surprise that after he was struck from behind by a paparazzi while driving his $230,000 Ferrari, he was going to catch shit no matter who was at fault. According to TMZ, the collision happened after Bieber intentionally slammed on his brakes because a photographer driving a Prius was tailgating him.

Bieber hasn't given his version of the incident yet, but because there is some universal law that says no Bieber story is complete without him acting like a D-bag, he did send out a tweet about the crash in which he referenced Princess Diana, which made everyone nuts.

The worst thing about the tweet is that he happens to be right. Chasing Justin Bieber around in your car isn't journalism, it's stalking. Driving around Los Angeles is dangerous and shitty enough without having to deal with Bieber-hunters engaged in an 80mph photo shoot of a 20-year-old stoner in a race car.

You know things are out of whack when a punk on probation for egging his neighbor's house appears to be the responsible adult in a dispute. Especially one that was spotted last week driving a 3-wheeled Can-Am on the sidewalk like an out-of-control baby on a Roomba.

Justin Bieber -- Rear-Ended in West Hollywood - Watch MoreCelebrity Videos orSubscribe

No one was injured and Bieber left the scene in an SUV, no doubt followed by dozens of paparazzi waiting to get the next exclusive shot of him doing something asshole-y.

It's the circle of life in LA.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Are these the stupidest, most obnoxious speed bumps ever created?

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This seems fun!

One speed bump is an annoying but understandable tool for slowing the flow of traffic in a residential area.

Two speed bumps in close proximity are pretty obnoxious, but they do effectively drive home the point that somebody really wants you to slow down.

Three speed bumps... well, there's just no need for three speed bumps. Under any circumstances. You're definitely dealing with some assholes in this situation, and you should probably get away from the area as fast as possible. If only there weren't these three speed bumps slowing you down.

Four speed bumps qualifies, I think, as some kind of a post-modern art project. It's something that has value in its valuelessness, like a canoe made from tissue paper or a toilet bowl seat covered in spikes.

Five speed bumps? Would any monster even dream of realizing such a scenario? Apparently, yes:

This has to be some sort of a message from a race of ancient aliens or something. Something that our feeble minds cannot even begin to comprehend. Otherwise, there's simply no reason for this.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

One idiot paid another idiot for a henna tattoo. With their powers combined, they made genius.

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On the plus side, it looks like she heard his request for a really lame goatee.

Redditor RyanHasWaffleNipples was on vacation with his friend, redditor make_jakin, who is the idiot you see in this photo with the failed/triumphant henna "mustache" tattoo. In what exotic locale did this intellectual titan decide to get such authentic body art, you ask? Ocean City, Maryland. It's still a tourist area, though, and wherever numbskulls gather for vacation, local idiots will sell henna tattoos to gullible tourists. Yes, henna tattoos are a venerable custom with roots in cultures across the ancient world, but they have since spread around the globe to wherever idiots gather, like a vapid virus hiding in a dumb flea riding a stupid rat stowed away on the slow boat to moronland, spreading a plague of meaningless dots across the faces of spring breakers and Madonna alike.

Anyway, the person selling henna tattoos in Maryland couldn't understand English well enough to decipher a very drunk redditor make_jakin (who had apparently started drinking early in the day) as he tried to describe to her what should have been a simple, if stupid, request: a mustache. So, she asked him to write down what he wanted. He did, and he got it. Apparently, this was 6 years ago, so the tattoo has since faded. We can take cormfort, though, in knowing that this incident allegedly occurred on the second day of a week-long vacation, so at least we know that he had 5,000 people at minimum tell him that they "mustache" him a question about his tattoo.

(bJohnny McNulty)

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