by Dan Abromowitz

After the hacking incursion that led to the leaks of personal nude photos from a slew of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst, you may be worrying about the security of your own nudes. And why shouldn't you? Here are six ways to ensure your naked pics don't see the light of day until you're good and ready:

Put them somewhere unassuming: Any hacker with access to 10% of their brain capacity and the kiss of common sense is going to make a beeline for a folder labeled "CRUDE NUDES," "RUDE NUDES," or "NUDES: NOT FOR PRUDES." You might as well be going around the neighborhood handing them out door to door (NOTE: DON'T DO THIS)! Instead, jam your bit-pics somewhere easily overlooked, in a folder like "DRY OLD CORNCOBS," "RIDDLES (ANSWERED)," or "FEW TO NO NUDES... ONLY A FOOL WOULD SEEK THEM HERE!!"

Watermark them with threats: Even if your nudes have been compromised, a leak isn't inevitable. Take a cue from the pharaohs of antiquity, who etched their priceless nudes with pernicious Nile curses promising a swift withering of the lineage of any who would dare disturb their erotic slumber, and stamp a credible threat on every nude you've got. It can be simple as "I'LL BASH YOUR PUTRID JUNK" or inflated as "MY DAD IS BOTH SEVEN FEET TALL AND THE FBI." Plus, when shared consensually, the proximity of danger to nudity only sharpens the sheer sexual thrill of it all, like snorting Tang off a katana. Banzai!

Deleting them is not enough: It's a sad fact of our digital age that no data's ever really gone if you know how to get at it. As any data retrieval specialist will tell you, it's just not enough to delete your nudes: you have to shoot your computer with a very cool gun. Yes, it's a hassle, but the time it takes to grab a big loud revolver and unload a few slugs into your MacBook is nothing compared to the nightmare of online exposure. While experts disagree on the necessity of using gold bullets and saying something rad like "hey, fuck you, computer," there's no doubt that deleting your nudes and shooting your computer with a gun is the only way to be absolutely sure they're gone.

Throw them off the scent: Scenario A: You have twenty nude pictures on your hard drive, all of them of you. A hacker gets into your computer, and in a few clicks, everyone on the 'net is taking the measure of your birthday suit. That's no good.

Scenario B: You have ten thousand nude pictures on your hard drive, twenty of them of you, the rest downloaded from who knows where. A hacker gets into your computer. You think they're going to spend days sorting through gigabytes of rube junk? Fat chance! Meanwhile, you're sitting pretty on a mountain of nipples!

The choice - it's yours.

Bring down the Cloud: Skim the Anarchist's Cookbook, crank out your manifesto, and hop a bus to Cupertino. You'll be doing society a favor: After the pipe bombs go off, good luck pulling anyone's penis out of thin air! Plus, it's only a matter of time before the damn thing becomes sentient, anyway (the cloud, not your penis, though honestly, who knows; you've got a pretty clever pecker there, buck-o).

Be a snake: Snakes don't wear clothes, can't use technology, and are mostly concerned with finding warm rocks. If you're truly worried about the possibility of your devices getting hacked and your nudes being leaked, security experts confirm having always been a snake is THE most effective way to prevent it. Take it from me: I'm a snake!

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.

Ram tough. Drone, not so tough.

The subject of drones is one that stirs up a lot of emotion in people on both sides of the debate. Usually not as much as in the case of this angry ram, who made his feelings on the issue very clear by, well, ramming one out of the sky and into a nearby bush when it flew too close during mealtime.

The drone's owner, YouTube user Buddhanz1, appears to be the owner of the angry ram as well, because the video's description says he was using the drone to locate the animal, also known as Rambro. 

When Buddhanz1 goes to retrieve his flying noisemaker, the ram makes it pretty clear he's not a huge fan of humans either. At least ones that fly drones into his personal space while he's noshing. The guy is able to grab his drone, but as he's leaving, the angry ram follows him down the path and knocks him on his ass, as if to remind him who's king of that particular mountain.

The two starred in a viral video from a year ago of the animal winning a headbutting contest with a dirt bike that Buddhanz1 happened to be riding. At this point it seems like Rambro and his owner have a weird relationship that borders on unhealthy, at least for the guy who keeps getting knocked on his ass.

Drones. Dirt bikes. Maybe the animal, like most reasonable people, doesn't appreciate obnoxiously loud machinery polluting his tranquil surroundings with unnecessary noise.

The next time Buddhanz1 needs to find Rambro, he should consider taking a walk.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Everyone's still trying to get a grasp on the implications of this weekend's massive celebrity nude leak, in which the stolen nude photos and videos of seemingly countless female celebrities—including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, and Kirsten Dunst—were released on 4Chan and reddit and then quickly disseminated across the Internet. Here's how this expansive invasion of privacy has changed the world forever.

1. Conspiracy theorists are left unmoored by confirmation that so many celebrities possess human anatomy and are not, in fact, lizard people.

2. NSA launches rebranding campaign under the slogan, “We keep your nudes safe and securely fastened to a bulletin board in a Fort Meade break room that’s only accessible by top government brass.”

3. After spending the weekend masturbating to Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, the Internet’s creepiest denizens find themselves with nothing left to look forward to in life and commit suicide en masse.

4. Julian Assange and Edward Snowden issue statement to redditors who previously expressed opposition to government privacy invasions: “Hey Guys, I Don’t Think We’re Fighting The Same Fight.”

5. Apple CEO Tim Cook resigns after being unable to avoid bursting out laughing while reassuring iCloud users that their data is secure.

6. Jennifer Lawrence punishes public by refusing to ever do anything cute or down-to-Earth again.

7. Fotomat reopens film developing huts across America, meeting demand of panicked nation wanting to return to a time when the only stranger who saw your nude pics was the pimply-faced high schooler handing them to you in an envelope in a shopping center parking lot.

8. Pervs feel cheated by discovery that famous boobs are composed of nothing more magical than human tissue and skin, not unlike non-famous boobs.

9. It’s discovered that this was all a plot by pop star Sia to make people fear their own nudity and start constantly wearing that full-body unitard from her “Chandelier” video.

10. After spending several days viewing photos and videos of women in an extremely vulnerable and private state, the populace struggles with a brief period of shame and empathy for the victimized women before falling back into the callousness and narcissism of day-to-day Internet life. 

(by Bob Powers)

Her mouth said no, but her eyes said yes. (Via KFSM)

Before she was arrested, this woman was suspiciously hanging out in the shadows. The eye shadows section of a mall makeup store, that is. 

KFSM reports that police received a call from the Ulta Cosmetics in Fayetteville, AR when the general manager noticed Brandy Allen, 31, shoveling $144 worth of eye shadows and liners into her purse. According to the report, Allen was "grabbing handfuls of make-up without looking at the color or labels. She didn’t appear to be checking prices, either."

Of course she didn't care about the specifics. This woman is the Bob Ross of faces, using all the colors on her lids to create a majestic sunset backdrop.

When police approached Allen in the store, she quickly marked up the shoplifted items in her purse right in front of the cops to make it appear as though they had been previously purchased and used.

The radiant butterfly also was heard to have screamed, "No one fucking saw me steal anything."

But it was too late. As evidenced by her mugshot, she was caught red-handed. And purple-lidded.

Allen was brought into jail where she quickly bonded out. She faces charges of shoplifting and disorderly conduct. 

(by Myka Fox)

1. Prostate Cancer Foundation Doesn't Even Want To Touch Redditors' Disgusting Pile Of Jackoff Money

For a brief period earlier this week, the highest-ranked donation group on the Prostate Cancer Foundation's website was something called Reddit The Fappening. In case you're blissfully unaware, that's a bunch dudes who were directed to the charity website from reddit's r/thefappening page, which catalogues the recent crop of illicitly procured celebrity nude photos. The idea was to alleviate their own guilt by giving to a worthy cause, but to do so in the skeeviest way possible. (Bear in mind that they were always welcome to donate as individuals, but wanted to do it in a manner that would draw attention to the phenomenon.) The PCF has now wisely decided to refund all the money and keep its own hands clean (so to speak).

Reddit responds to having its sticky money rejected by the Prostate Cancer Foundation: pic.twitter.com/tmvI1QUPJV

— Neetzan Zimmerman (@neetzan) September 2, 2014

2. Apple Clears Apple Of Any Fault In iCloud-Hacked Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

After tens of minutes of carefully inspecting the facts—and averting its eyes from demonstrable evidence to the contrary—Apple has declared that there are no security flaws in its iCloud service that could possibly have led to a bunch of celebrities having personal photos stolen from their accounts. This must come as such a relief to the company.

iCloud, just to clarify – are you a storage space for me, or for people who want to know all about me?

— Ben Schwartz (@benschwartzy) September 2, 2014

3. First Superman Comic Book Sells For Super Ridiculous Price

A nearly pristine copy of Action Comics No. 1—the DC comic book featuring the very first appearance the now-iconic Superman character—sold on eBay for a very reasonable $3.2 million. When asked by the Hollywood Reporter how much money the bidders were willing to spend to get the item, one responded, "All I can say is we were determined to buy it."

"None of these look like jobs for Superman"- Superman, having a rough day at a temp agency

— Mike Lawrence (@TheMikeLawrence) August 30, 2014

4. CEO Fired For Kicking Dog, Thus Discovering The One Act Of Pure Evil Corporate Leaders Can't Get Away With

Centerplate CEO Des Hague "resigned"—which is a fancy way of saying "got fired" for rich and/or important people— from his position after surveillance footage of him kicking a puppy spread around the Internet. Apparently, CEOs can only get away with animal cruelty if it results in delicious bacon cheeseburgers. 

You kick one puppy in an elevator and boom your careers a mess. Sounds fair to me.

— Lounge Fly (@mrjohntofu) August 30, 2014

5. Tragedy Strikes As Arizona McDonald's Forced To Paint Its Golden Arches Blue 

Sad news out of Arizona today. A Sedona, AZ McDonald's was forced by city ordinances to disfigure its famous golden arches by re-coloring them turquoise. This is so the fast food restaurant will more easily blend in with its desert surroundings. It does seem to be working actually. Look, you can barely see it here:

Ooh look you can tell this McDonald's is really authentic because there are lots of sloppy-looking American people eating here

— Chapinc (@Chapinc) August 21, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

If you can hear me masturbating, you've quieted down enough. (Via)

As the earth's population continues to grow, humans are forced to live in ever closer proximity to each other, pissing each other off in new and disgusting ways. The neighbor note is the most effective medium to alert your neighbors to the myriad ways in which their way of life is destroying yours. So if you're going to leave one yourself and want to make sure your neighbors pay heed, take a cue from these authors and unload on that piece of paper with both barrels.

Vengeance is swift in Canada. (Via)

.

The investigation will look for roommates who take too long in the shower. (Via)

.

MADE OUT OF PEOPLE. (Via)

.

Oh yeah? Well no one wants to see your hair taped to the wall with this note, either. (Via)

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P.S. Please be real. I need something to believe in. (Via)

Updated 8/8/14: 

Maybe now isn't a good time to tell you you have a crazy sign in your yard. (Via) 

Damn, the store clerk told me that red shirt was an invisibility cloak. (Via)

.

Beware of neighbor with clipart. (Via)

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"We Live Next Door To A Peeping Tom"
Maybe less people would look in your window if you stopped posting signs in it. (Via)

.

Sorry, my phone's "Someone will mourn her dead fiancé with a 5am wake up opera" alert must not have been set properly. (Via)

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God, you gonna help him on this one or what? In your name we pray, amen. (Via) 

Updated 7/2/14:

Guess I can add "bad neighborliness" to all the reasons to be ashamed of myself.(Via) 

.

It's nice to see neighbors encouraging each other's artistic endeavors. (Via)

Fight fire with fire. Buy more cars. Buy so many cars they'll bow to you! (Via)

Aw, both neighbors like that movie about the people who make homemade explosives! (Via)

Neighbor of the year? Kind of braggy about the joke-telling though. (Via)

Dumb neighbor. Dogs can't read signs. (VIa)

Updated 6/1/14:

Dude, keep making noise as long as you keep delivering the guilt cookies. (Via)

Is this guy hoping those hashtags might start to spread?#yesallgirlbye(Via)

I'm sure they'd be cool with it if you put on some gloves first.(Via)

If you're going to leave a note, make sure you cover all your bases.

Have you heard the bad news?(Via)

Oh damn! Forget it. I am so not hard enough. (Via)

Updated 5/1/14:

Looks like we're gonna have a problem here. (Via)

"Stranger danger" has no effect on the inebriated and genitally exposed. (Via)

Do your children know you just made a sign with dog shit? (Via)

Cats can't read, but you might not be too good at that either so you're even. (Via)

#Myspot? Dude, get off Twitter. You can't hashtag real life. (Via)

If "Rimming" scores some cupcakes, #5 might be game.(Via)

Updated 4/1/14:

20G is the dictionary definition of "being chill." (Via)

That kitty seems kind of into it, though. Mixed messages! (Via)

The wording makes it really sound like this guy just found his life's mission. (Via)

For this rooster, we are all victims too. (Via)

I'm with the note-writer. Orgy-havers should keep it a secret from those who weren't invited. (Via)

So many valid points made in such a brief correspondence. (Via)

Updated 3/2/14:

It did seem odd that they kept screaming "Love." (Via)

But the dogs are just shouting, "Why don't you love us?!" (Via)

You're taking it too literally. UPS feels like "being home" is a state of mind, man. (Via)

 
What if you trained the dog to poop on junk mail? (Via)

This guy could help the sleepless neighbor above. (VIa)

It's a scary day when you find out your building has not one but two "Bronys." (Via)

Updated 2/3/14:

Oh damn. That guy had best never wave back. (Via)

Believe it or not, the guy who wrote this says his intended meaning was,
"Please, Satan, leave me alone." Oops.(Via)

I bet Big booty bitches are just fine with the volume. (Via)

Seriously. And the "Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh" crap gets old real fast. (Via)

Less quiet? So, louder, and maybe with some narration so the kid gets it?(Via)

Say what you want about our kid, but how DARE you say we have no talent! (Via)

Updated 1/1/14:

Maybe they named her after a grandmother? (Via)

If you can't say something nice about someone, say it with the wifi.(Via)

Just seems like a really chill, helpful neighbor who loves life and fun. (Via)

The laundry room is the land of broken promises. (Via)

The "we're watching you" makes it seem like you're into it.(Via)

But I'm looking for a hot tub buddy with "benefits."(Via)

Updated 12/3/13:

You fear intimacy. Other people's really loud intimacy.

Wow! Imagine how bad the response would have been if they hadn't added the "Thanks."

If the cranking and wanking's too loud, you're too...tasteful musically. (Via)

Maybe building inspectors need to pay more attention to wall thickness.

The more you f**k with her trash, the more she'll love you. That's just Steph!

Sure they probably didn't see it. Which makes this one the most passive-aggressive of all!!!
 

Updated 11/5/13:

His partner must have been worried sick.

Translation: Dear neighbors, when you're forced to do my laundry for me, do it right!

Roided out rat pee really gives a watermelon that extra crispness.

It told us to tell the ficus it always loved it.

Live in darkness, or feed me Whoppers. You make the call.

Coolest neighbor ever.

Updated 10/8/13:

Some men can only communicate in penis drawings. Especially when in a bathroom stall.

It would be worth it. That porch is irresistable.

Grammar Nazis have no business in elevator maintenance.

You should get a stethoscope and tape the listening end to the wall. It just works.

Holy crap. Do you live next to Ned Flanders?

Thus explaining the headline in the following morning's paper, "Man Killed By Whale In Apartment."

Updated 9/6/13:

It's easier than you think to drown in a paddling pool. If you drink enough.

In other words, we watch you through your windows and think you're hot!

"Naber?" Maybe he only heard people refer to "the neighborhood" as "the nabe?"

The big one is not to be trusted.

But you're so photogenic!

On the contrary, turn it up!!! From 402 —

Updated 8/7/13:

I sing what's in my heart. And everything in my heart is pure horror.

Worst thing is, it was blocked by a bag of cow's arseholes.

We didn't feel condescended to until you gave us the layman's definition of "urinate."

Or maybe your neighbor delivered it to you. Just in case you're interested...it's all clean.

That's nothing. Wait until they hook up with the singer from above.

Not a dry eye in the garage.

Updated 7/8/13:

Have some empathy for your jealous neighbors who long for human touch. Pipe down.

Lesson learned. Neighbors prefer to be concussed from above by full cans of beer.

It's been two years! Get over it. She's gone!

Don't test them. That grandson is a big fan of gravy fries.

Those two are going to have to get together for a movie night.

We thought our childhood issues just made us sleep with scary men. They make us litter too?

Updated 6/10/13:

That noise is whatever you want it to be, Kim.

And? What'd you think?

Well this sign is far more entertaining decoration, so silver lining?

There may be a vacancy in this building, as soon as Nick and his python are evicted.

Nah, he's sad inside too. He brings everybody down.

A truly polite marauder would have gone in and straightened things up a bit.

Updated 5/7/13:

Guess the tenant in #9 has no choice but to abandon their mail and move.

Or better yet, break up in your car. Make sure to play a sad song on the radio.

PPS: You can leave the souvenirs you bought me on my porch. Quietly!

What if all of his houseguests were hearing-impaired male siblings?

They scream across the studio to pretend it's bigger.

Good God. Just...good God!

But next time was going to be handcuffs and knee socks day. Ball gag is a week from now.

Updated 4/8/13:

Will this lion be in attendance? Because he seems nice.

Don't hit the H&R Block until after tax time. People need those returns, dammit. Have a heart.

Sweet! Free sex counseling! Why does anger turn us on so much?

Probably a lot of write-in answers on that one.

Of course if you chooe to post this on the internet, that's your decision.

You should thank them. Free fence!

Updated 3/12/13:

"Dude, what are these idiots smoking? We don't have a skunk. Oh."

5:30 AM is a small time. A very small time with NO ROOM FOR YOUR NOISE!!!
 

Although experts refute it, this photo of the Sock Ness Monster continues to intrigue.
 

"We left a note and tried to summon you with human sacrifice, but I guess you were busy."
 

The members of Apt. 93 have the best handwriting in this argument in Manchester, UK.
 

This girl has never made a decision that had any kind of odor in her life.

Updated 2/4/12:

Congratulations, Apt 2B. You're the most understanding neighbors on the planet.

No offense to Apt. 2B, but Apt. 3F is candidate for sainthood.

What ever happened to "Beware of Dog?"

He also has one that reads "Thank you for parking in front of my driveway. I hope you die."

We hope they responded with, "To the stupid shithead next door. You're welcome."

If that's what was left untouched, what on earth was redacted?

It's the fun new game, Secret Prizes For Poop! You'll see what's coming to you!!

Updated 11/29/12:

Wow, I can't believe those kids dropped out of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome university.

However, this does nothing to stop salespeople, landlords, or Antichristmas carollers.
 

She always moans when people park right in her spot.
 

"Did you see those assholes who just moved in?" "Yeah, they were very honest about it."
 

You don't get to be "Boss Lady of #75" without knowing how to do some serious italic yelling.
 

"Are you offering me your cat for free HBO? Because I can do that."

Posted 11/01/12:

This is called "The Direct Approach."
 

Now we're worried there are CDs of us crying being circulated by our neighbors.
 

The hardware store didn't have any "Owner Hates His Life" signs.
 

German? Those must have been some messy sexy times.
 

Can't wait until the next issue of "Noise Complaint Heroines" hits out comic book shop.
 

If someone being tortured shouts "Oh God yes," they're being tortured wrong.
 

He should be saying thank you. Forced nudity turned him into a real go-getter.

Updated 10/3/12:

From now on, they'll be sure and only whisper conspiratorially about boners.

They tried a Gangnam Style sign but it's hard to make a noise complaint while galloping.

Wait for the ransom request and don't involve the police or the tomato is ketchup.

Then why'd you install the cameras, perv?

They were up for a Macarthur Genius award but a Biggest Cunts award will do.

Updated 9/5/12:

Updated 7/30/12:

Updated 6/18/12:

There is absolutely nothing this person will not complain about.

Updated 5/21/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 4/30/12:

Updated 4/10/12:

Updated 3/20/12:

"CD's Covered In Cat Piss. You Wanna Salvage Them? Be My Guest."
"Actually, The Cat Is Pretty On Target With The State Of The Music Industry Right Now. Funny That."

Updated 3/1/12:

Updated 2/16/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 1/24/11:

Updated 1/4/11:

Updated: 12/5/11

Dear God, I've been a cat all along! Which means it must have been me who's been throwing up on the bedspread. I must apologize to the dog.

(by Bob Powers)

Maybe he's upset because the sun is burning his vampire skin?

There must be a backstory to this video somewhere, but do you really need it? Here we have a drunk, confused hipster on the verge of tears asking an unseen Sarah why she won't help him and his foundering kayak in shallow water, and you can just tell that each of his whiny pleas is some kind of karmic payback for every time he's been an unbearable snob about dubstep or a hashtag activism cause. Ahhh.

I'd tell you more, but the description really is as drunk and incoherent as the man in the video.

I agree he's a little soft, but "whale" is a bit harsh.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Even Katy Perry herself showing up wouldn't have been as scary. Ok, yes it would.

What do you get when you combine the most awkward time in a boy's life with the peak of a middle-aged man's hunger for youthful web credibility? Basically, you get Logan Fairbanks singing Katy Perry in the shower until his dad pours cold water on him and scares the crap out of him with a gas mask.

Josh and Logan Fairbanks are father and son, known on YouTube as Dad vs Logan, featuring the "good-natured" pranks Josh pulls on his son (see below). I, for one, look forward to the day that Logan pulls the ultimate prank and grows up into a young copy of his father with all the youth and vitality that raising Logan stole from him.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Cat with a drinking problem.

It's impossible to tell what's going on in the mind of any cat. They often seem like amazingly intelligent creatures living in perfect harmony with their surroundings. Other times they seem like complete idiots, unable to wrap their feeble minds around the most basic concept, like how to get a drink of water from a running faucet without soaking their entire head.

Maybe this 15-year-old cat was feeling hot and discovered a way to cool himself off while quenching his thirst. Maybe he's been watching his owner's computer screen the last few weeks, and has decided to do his version of the Ice Bucket Challenge. Maybe he's just not that smart. I guess that's what makes cats so mysterious. We'll just never know.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This little piggy went into a catatonic state.

You are running from a micro pig and nothing will stop it from attacking! We've all woken up sweaty from this nightmare, but now we can sleep soundly because the man behind YouTube's petpiggies micro pigs has come up with a solution to soothe the savage micro beast: a feather duster.

Turns out this micro pig has a French Maid fetish and goes weak in the micro knees whenever his belly is dusted by the feathers. There is no bed this micro pig can stand on that will protect him from the effects of the duster!

Warning: the intoxicating effects of the feather duster is only proven for micro pigs. If you want to subdue a regular sized pig, try a vacuum.

(by Myka Fox)