"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kittens!"
(Via PD)

After a night of doing drugs in a Boca Raton hotel room last Tuesday, Daniel Pinedo Velapatino, 21, stole thousands of dollars from his friend's wallet and then led the police on a wild chase. While being pursued, Velapatino crashed a Lexus several times, including running into a police cruiser and a fire hydrant, before deciding to make a run for it on foot. Eventually the police were able to catch up with him, but only because he stopped to pet some cats.

Boca Raton resident Candace Noonan told WBPF that she was getting her son ready for school when a complete stranger tried to enter her home from her back door.

“I said, ’Excuse me, can I help you?’” Noonan said. “He said, 'Oh, I’m so sorry. Next door I’m mowing the lawn. Do you mind if I have a glass of water?'"

Either Candace Noonan felt guilty about her place in the class system or she has a thing for gardeners, because instead of listening to the little voice that should have been telling her that it's weird for a total stranger to just walk into her home, Noonan invited the criminal in while she grabbed him a bottle of water. 

When she returned, she found Velapatino laying on her floor, petting her cat. 

“It was odd, very odd,” Noonan told WBPF. “He was stroking my cat. It almost looked like he either was on drugs or he was mentally handicapped.”

Now she gets it!

Her husband came in and started questioning the drugged-up thief, so, soft kitty-cats aside, Velapatino decided he had better keep it moving. 

He ran back out the back door and then jumped into a canal —you gotta give him credit for the cinematic choice of escape— but the Noonans led the police to him and eventually caught him in the water with a police boat. 

Velapatino later told investigators that he stole the money so that he could pay his mom back. 

Candace Noonan said that now that she knows she had let a dangerous criminal into her house, she realizes the gravity of the situation and feels fortunate that nothing bad happened to her or her family. It is unclear whether counseling will be provided for the cat.

(by Myka Fox)

Looks like some of the colors ran, and the red ones turned some white ones pink.
(via DoveLewis Animal Hospital)

What you're looking at are the stomach contents of a 3-year-old, 120-lb. Great Dane from Portland, Oregon who kept throwing up. The Dane's owner was aware that he would occasionally go after socks, but the extent of the problem was not apparent until the dog got sick and got taken in to DoveLewis Emergency Animal Hospital, where they suspected he had an intestinal blockage.

When Dr. Ashley Magee came back with the x-ray, it was like looking at an unopened piñata. When they followed up with surgery, it was like breaking open the most disappointing piñata in history. "We opened up his stomach and kept removing sock after sock of all different shapes and sizes," said Dr. Magee. Forty-three and a half socks (or 21.75 pairs) were inside the massive canine, in various states of semi-digestion.

Well, I'm never complaining about feeling stuffed again. (via DoveLewis Animal Hospital)

Now, all this occurred back in February, but we're just hearing about it now because of a contest called "They ate WHAT?" sponsored by the Veterinary Practice News. DoveLewis Emergency Animal Hospital submitted their x-ray of the socks to the contest and came in third, behind a frog that somehow swallowed 30 small ornamental rocks from its terrarium and a German Shepherd who ate a shish kebab skewer. The Animal Hospital won $500, which will be used to help low-income individuals pay vet bills.

(by Johnny McNulty)

There's got to be a better way.

It's a tale as old as time: boy meets girl, boy ejaculates into girl's coffee, boy loses girl. Love can be tough and confusing sometimes. You know you want to get a woman's attention, but you're not always sure how.

Take John R. Lind, for example. He's a Minnesota hardware store employee who, according to CBS Minnesota, was recently arrested because he repeatedly jerked off into his co-worker's coffee. He also sprayed her desk several times and once into her hair scrunchy. Lind claimed to police he did all this to get his coworker "to notice him."

Unfortunately for Lind, the object of his affections didn't see his romantic gestures as such, and had him arrested. Now he faces two counts of criminal sexual conduct, all because he hadn't learned the right way to impress a girl.

I'm sure many of you have scrunchy-wearing vixens in your life that you're desperate to get to know a little better, too, but don't make her a homemade gift out of your man-paste just yet! Here are some basic do's and don'ts in the dating world that can help.

Do: Hold eye contact while she is talking. Be a good listener, women like it when they feel like they are being heard.

Dont: Break eye contact to Jizz on your co-workers desk, forcing her to make figure eight patterns as she unwittingly runs her mouse through your DNA. Unless she shares your interest in ejaculating on desks, this approach is too aggressive and will also clog the mouse.

Do: Invite her out for coffee. A coffee shop is a safe and casual place for people to get to know each other without the pressure of noisy clubs or dinner dates.

Don't: Dump your spunk into her coffee cup when she is not around. When she finds out that that weird taste isn't just "spolied cream," as Lind's coworker claims she'd thought, she is going to get really upset, file harassment charges, and have you arrested because you are a disgusting sex criminal who deserves to go to jail.

Don't: Blow a load into her hair scrunchy

Do: Anything but that.

There you have it, guys! Who knew that attracting the opposite sex could be so simple and non-criminal? If you follow my handy do's and don'ts of the modern dating world, you, too, could avoid facing more than a year in prison and/or a $4,500 fine.

(by Myka Fox)

Come for the game, stay for the eye candy.(via)

If it's true that ladies love nothing more in a guy than confidence, then every gal reading this must be swooning over the image of the sunbathing baseball fan. Because if this guy soaking up the rays at Dodger Stadium yesterday was any more comfortable in his own skin, he wouldn't have left his shorts on.

Not surprisingly, the bathing behemoth caught people's attention.

Well, this is happening at Dodger Stadium #dodgerspic.twitter.com/fbWJkc8uX5

— Greg Merideth (@gregofla) September 3, 2014

This guy has so much swag I could see him using this image for his new Tinder profile pic. Along with a warning that he only dates models.

So if you happened to be wondering what the dress code was for men at Dodger's stadium, it appears that you'd literally have to have your balls exposed to get kicked out of a game. So, thanks for that, hefty hero.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Andy, you don't have to hold up his hand. He already knows he's a champ.

Well, I learned a lot of things today after watching Justin Theroux on Conan. I learned that I need to remember the name Justin Theroux, because he's the star of the new HBO series The Leftovers, which I have not seen yet, and I learned that women everywhere are talking about the way his dick bounces against his sweatpants like the guy in the 'Turn Down For What?' video.

"No, honey, it's a really good show. It has the total package!" (via Gawker)

Theroux went on Conan recently, and O'Brien had to (absolutely had to) ask him about his trouser cargo controversy. The women on Conan's staff were apparently demanding it, perhaps violently so. Maybe this is why we don't see much male nudity on TV (besides, y'know, living in a society that feels much more comfortable seeing women as objects)—women go crazy when you leave an outline for their imaginations. See: Jon Hamm or Idris Elba.

There are a lot of kinds of laughs in the world. A happy laugh, a sad laugh, a wry, rueful laugh—this is a "yeah, I've got a big dick laugh." It's a very specific laugh.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Without the giant letters I'd be lost.

It's easy to feel incredibly insignificant watching this video of astronauts sightseeing from the International Space Station. Especially after it dawns on you that you're in one of the shots, taken as you sat in front of a computer, passing the time by clicking on links to viral cat videos and feeling insignificant. Other than that, though, pretty cool!

The two American astronauts are so casual it makes it seem like their jobs aren't all that difficult.  I guess even flying through space at 60,000 mph gets to be like any other job. It's possible these guys have one eye on the clock, waiting for their Russian replacements to punch in, so they can open their laptops and watch viral cat videos.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

No plates, no problem. (Via Mass. PD)

So close, and yet, didn't get so far away.

A 20-year-old Chicopee, Massachusetts woman didn't have any plates for her car, but she didn't let that stop her. The woman set about making her own fake plates, and made it onto Interstate 391 before a state trooper noticed something was amiss. 

Instead of pressed tin, the woman found a piece of cardboard and cut it roughly. No time to make sure the lines are straight, she had places to go!

She did manage to get the color scheme correct, with her fake numbers outlined in black pencil and then colored in with red pencil. Plus, she made sure to use a blue pen to scrawl "Massachusetts" and "The Spirit of America" in the right places, although she forgot to capitalize "spirit." 

Despite her other attentions to detail, she failed to pick the right color for the month. And even though she pencilled a square in the appropriate spot, she forgot to color in her plate tags marking the year altogether, which could have gotten her pulled over had she had real plates to begin with. 

But I guess it didn't really matter, because what her homemade plate lacked in authenticity, it made up for in childish carelessness. The only place this plate might have passed is in an elementary school art class, although if she was in one of the older grades, she might have only passed with a "C" and a note on the back from the teacher saying "try harder."

Here's a picture of a legitimate plate, for your reference:

Wait, which one is the real one?

The woman was charged with driving with a suspended license and attaching false plates, but they can never charge her for failing to attach false hope. 

(by Myka Fox)

Spiderpup, spiderpup,
Does whatever a spider...might,
Runs around, licks your face,
Scaring folks all over the place.
Look out! Here comes spider pup!*

*cough cough* Ahem. Normally, I'm not a big fan of scare-prank videos, but this mutt in a spider costume is an amazing time-killer and pants-soiler. Now, before you start shouting that this is all fake, I'd like to remind you that the human brain contains within it instincts inherited from previous species, many of which were tiny furry shrew-like mammals that could, indeed, have been eaten by a big hairy spider. So basically, you're already hardwired to be an embarrassing prank victim on the Internet. 

SA Wardega is a popular YouTube channel for pranks that, typically, scare people or make them slightly uncomfortable in an amusing or pop-culture related way (like having the girl from 'The Ring' ride the subway). I don't know why they chose this prank, other than "someone found this costume and it just had to be done." 

*Hopefully, you're at least dimly aware of the old Spiderman cartoon show and recognized the theme song, so you don't think I've just lost my mind over Joan Rivers. 

(by Johnny McNulty)

Prince Charles must be so proud.

Here's a Welsh guy named Will Williams drinking a 700ml bottle of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey in 13 seconds, about the amount of time it takes me to drink a single shot of bourbon. And, for your information, this guy did not immediately bend over in alcohol poisoning-induced spasms immediately after the video ended. He apparently pressed on drinking until 3 am that night. I haven't decided whether that makes me impressed or depressed.

Get out your stopwatches and count it for yourself. 13 seconds. But, because this is Europe, I think that would make this 21.7 centiminutes.

Kids, let this video serve as a lesson to you: if you're thinking of swigging the equivalent of 28 shots of booze at once, for god's sake, make sure you use a straw to facilitate airflow to the bottom of the bottle so that you can suck it all into your face that much faster. No half measures! 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Just one of 1,380 photos.

What have you been doing with the past two and a half years of your life? Probably not much that you can even remember, huh? That's life. Time slips by, and we barely even notice it passing. Then, suddenly we realize we're 900 days closer to the end of the road, and we have nothing to show for it.

Wouldn't it be cool, though, if we could go back in time to talk to our two-and-a-half-years-younger self and convince her or him to just do one little thing every day. Something very small. Something that hardly takes any time. Like taking a photograph of our daughter on our two-and-a-half block walk to school. But the thing is we have to do it every day. If we could get ourselves to start doing that then, then today we might just have something as awesome as this video that a New York dad named Kevin Brady made with his daughter:

Unfortunately, we can't travel backwards through time, so you probably didn't start a project like this two and a half years ago. But who knows, maybe two and a half years from now, we'll have the technology to travel back in time to now and get ourselves to start one today.

We can only hope. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

So far, so good.(via Christy Grant)

Al Ferguson may be new to the father game, but his parenting instincts appear to be pretty good. At least when it comes to predicting the moment his newborn son is about to let loose with a stream of poop that could take down a bear. The British dad told Today, "As I felt his stomach tense, in the back of your head you know he’s about to go poo, and then before you know it, he’s doing it.”

There's an inherent risk of getting pooped on any time you're cradling a naked newborn. It's a stinky right of passage for all new parents. There's just usually not a professional photographer on hand to capture baby's first shit-storm.

And now it's a total crap shoot. (via Christy Grant)

In this case, not only did photographer Christy Grant capture the "money-shot," her quick thinking may have saved the Fergusons' shag rug. “It’s not the kind of carpet that can be cleaned particularly easily,” he said. “But the photographer did an amazing thing — she reached down for a nappy, picked it up, then went to put it over Ted’s bum to stem the flow.”

While those aren't skills you normally look for in a portrait photographer, they certainly come in handy when the subject is a 7-pound, naked poop factory.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

If there was anyone who deserved to get spangled by all the stars, it was Joan.

Joan Rivers passed away today at the age of 81, following a week on life support after something went wrong during minor surgery. I'm sure Joan Rivers would have had a lot of great jokes to make about how she went out—I know this because I read every tweet trying to make it easier with a joke in her voice. Joan Rivers was never one to shy away from a joke at her own expense, so maybe it makes sense that when Comedy Central tried to assemble comedians to roast her in 2009, she came out head and shoulders above them with a closing monologue that put them all to shame:

Comedy is a very loud profession, but it just got a little quieter today.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"I know that asshole!"

Picking your own ass sounds pretty simple. Evidently, it's harder than you'd think, at least based on this video from vlogger Wave Davey, who created this project to see if straight men could spot their own assholes in a lineup. What's also apparent is that straight guys aren't that familiar with their own asses. Each guy in the video had a different strategy for finding his own butthole, either based on the amount of hair, the color of it, or by a process of elimination. One guy was simply trying to spot the ugliest one, claiming that his was so unsightly it saved him from being raped in prison. Congrats?

But whether it's football, music trivia, or spotting your own bunghole, no guy likes to lose at any competition. And these five guys were definitely up for the challenge. Even cocky about it.

My first thought was that Davey, who is gay, created this project as a way to get dudes to let him photograph their assholes. Because, let's be honest, people have done way shadier things in the name of art. Showgirls, for instance. Davey's view is that gay men and straight men have very different views when it comes to their assholes.

From the Huffington Post:

"It wasn't hard finding straight guys to participate. I can't speak for all gay men, but my butthole is an intensely personal place. But for a lot of straight guys, it's not magical or mysterious or sacred -- it's where they poop. It was like asking to take a picture of their elbow. They didn't care and were really indifferent to the whole thing. Clearly, there some big differences between gay men and straight men, and how we view our bodies.”

Davey's previous project was a similar video of women reaction to seeing their vaginas for the first time.

So the project appears to be a genuine effort in the name of art. Or at least entertainment. It's still ridiculous, but genuine.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Tom's mental image of himself. (via)

Pity Tom, the finance guy. All he wanted was to meet a nice gal on Tinder and cook her a meal. Which, in the high-stakes, big-money world that Tom inhabits, means sticking his dick in her mouth. And what does Tom, a guy who "made 32k since June" get for his more-than-generous offer to allow a lowly account manager the privilege of giving him a blow job? Rudeness and rejection, that's what.

Well Tom's not the kind of guy who's used to rejection. At least not from ladies with a "second chin," whose "eyes are too far apart." So he did the mature thing, and let her know that his feelings were hurt. Like, really hurt. And that his "mind=blown."

So, if you're not on Tinder, and occasionally worry that you're missing out on some erotic cyber scene populated by hot guys and gals, you might be. But it's also full of guys like Tom the finance guy.

(by Jonathan Corbett)