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To be fair, he's totally right.

It's an annual tradition for graduating high schoolers to submit a few final words of wisdom to accompany their senior portraits in the yearbook. It's the perfect time to reference your favorite film, discuss your future plans, or sound like a complete idiot one last time. These students might eventually regret their quotes, but not as much as the yearbook staff regrets printing them.

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Who's the Taliban blowing up now? Can you believe it's been four years since everyone pretended Michael Jackson wasn't a pedophile? Also, a hockey thing! All in 5 Things You Should at Least Pretend to Know Today.

Let's get it on >>

I was just borrowing your apple. And keeping it safe. In my mouth.

A guy got sick of coming in in the morning and finding things missing from his desk, so he set up a webcam to catch the thievery in action. Then, demonstrating a level of passive-aggression so advanced we can't help but applaud, he took stills from the video and turned them into an accusatory screensaver, thus indicting his thief when he's not even in the building. The whole scenario plays out in the video below.

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Um, if there's no hell, where did the music of Adam Levine come from? Next!

This terrifying mash-up imagines an alternate reality hellscape in which John Lennon is forced to respond to notes from the gatekeepers on "The Voice." Video below:

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We're mostly interested in your phone experience. Our laser T-Rex spot is currently filled.

If you're mired in unemployment — and there's a depressingly likely chance that you are — here's a look at your deranged competition. A proficiency in sandwich preparedness and a fear of the elderly might seem like questionable qualifications for an office job, but they're still more impressive than your summer in the Arby's drive-thru. Let us know if you've seen, written, or personally rejected any resumes as ridiculous as these.

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...and we emptied stomach.

If you think you really stuck it to your roommate by leaving a slightly cranky post-it next to the pile of dirty dishes, think again. This is the work of Redditor Stephy7, who claims she created this note after her roommate (who, according to Stephy7, is the primary passive-aggresive note-leaver in the house) failed repeatedly to clean the drain, forcing Stephy7 to do it. We're not taking sides in this fight, but we'd be pretty disappointed if her roommate didn't think this was funny. That being said, we'd also be disappointed if her roommate didn't think this was terrifying, and probably merits looking into possible new apartments. So, basically we think she should flee laughing.

Man uses webcam to identify office thief, then sets her photo as his screensaver >>

"Why does everyone keep asking us 'Spits or Swallows'?"

A team photograph is meant to memorialize the effort of coming together to achieve a common goal. However, on occasion it can memorialize some of the most unintentionally awkward camera angles, ill-conceived team names and embarassing accidents everyone on the team would just as soon forget.

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WTF is happening in Texas murdery news? Did your red equality Facebook avatar work? Plus, A-Rod needs to STFU. Check out 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend to Know Today for all that and more.

Do it >>

"THAT'S BLASPHEMY! MARY ONLY HAD SEX WITH GOD OUTSIDE OF HER MARRIAGE!"

We can't prove these hilarious protest signs didn't directly lead to the Supreme Court striking down DOMA, and neither can you. Read, laugh, love, then send this list to your friends and family to celebrate the rights of everyone to enjoy the misery of married life.

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