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Apple Watch would be a good name for Gwyneth Paltrow's nanny.


Finally, an explanation as to why your name is never spelled correctly on your Starbucks cup.

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No, it's spelled S-E-W-Z-E-I-G-H

The baristas at Starbucks never spell my name correctly. Why? WHY?!?!?!

Because my stupid name is Myka, and it is always spelled incorrectly. Even when people are responding to an email and can see my name right there. Even when it is spelled by my own parents. 

But your name is John (probably), or Michael (even more probably), or Jessica (most probably). Everyone knows how to spell your name. Everyone. How can they be getting it wrong so very often? What's going on in those arabica-addled heads?

Paul Gale of Paul Gale Comedy has decided to let you in on the secret behind it. You ready?

THEY'RE FUCKING WITH YOU.

Of course, the name fuckery can go both ways. Why should you limit yourself to your actual name when you know they are definitely going to spell it wrong? How do they know your name isn't Miley Crypuss? You could be anyone you want! They're not checking your ID!

My Starbucks name is Vanessa. I live for the thrill. 

(by Myka "Starbucks Vanessa" Fox)

Gone but not forgotten.

Perfect parody of the Apple Watch announcement explains exactly why it sucks.

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Times have changed since Mac tried to convince me Windows was terrible (and they did!)

Let's get real for a second: I don't like most things on the Internet, and I suspect you probably don't, either. This parody of the Apple Watch announcement from Jack Douglass of JacksFilms, however, I enjoyed. It sounded like a typically self-impressed Mac announcement, but blended perfectly with all the sarcastic thoughts everyone has while watching self-impressed Mac announcements. 

I will now never get an Apple Watch, because it is clearly only useful for identifying idiots who are too stupid to realize they have to have an iPhone to use this device that has zero functions not already available in a better form on the iPhone. Excuse me, I meant "identifying rich idiots." Or, as Jack's version of Apple put it:

Wait. I'm just supposed to pronounce the Apple logo now? Screw you, no f-ing way.

(by Johnny McNulty)

A Chipotle near Penn State closed down after workers walked off and left a snarky note on the door.

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As in, workers feel mistreated, workers walk out.(via)

Earlier today, hundreds of likely high and figuratively starving Penn State students had to deal with the singular horror of craving a Chipotle burrito and not having access to one. It happened after nearly every worker in the State College, PA, burrito joint walked off the job because of what they called "borderline sweatshop conditions." No doubt, working at a fast food job can royally suck, and these workers could've been dealing with long hours or understaffing. However, either this Mexican Grill was operating unlike any other Chipotle in the country, or it's staffed with spoiled college kids who have never worked in or seen an actual sweatshop.

Burrito-craving citizens looking to satisfy their hunger were served a ladleful of disappointment in the form of a letter taped to the door.


Disappointment grande! (via)

The restaurant has already reopened. Maybe they got corporate's attention and conditions will improve. Or maybe they noticed that their unemployed friends sounded way too excited to hear about a potential job-opening--even a crappy one--in the area.

Either way, even if their cause is just, they're dreaming if they think #ChipotleSwag is ever going to happen.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Vancouver residents terrorized by mysterious huge-donged Satan statue.

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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing 
the world that he had an enormous schlong. 

Nobody knows the identity of the rogue artist who erected a bright red, fully nude statue of Satan upon an empty pedestal in Vancouver, Canada two nights ago. This may shock many of the God-fearing people out there, but I believe it was Beelzebub himself. Now, before you dismiss my theory out of hand, hear me out.

The statue appeared along the highly trafficked Grandview Highway in the city's Grandview-Woodlands neighborhood, where it could be seen by literally thousands of commuters before the city stepped in to tear it down. If you were going to place a naked image of yourself in such a public place, wouldn't you be a little more generous with the proportions of your equipment? As you'll see in this video, nobody—not even supernatural conduits of pure evil—is packing like this: 

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This guy taught his cat how to play the best game of fetch ever.

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The ultimate cat toy.

If you have hardwood floors and hate sweeping, but can't afford a Roomba, then cat ownership might be the answer to your problems. Simply adopt a cat from your local shelter, slide it across the floor, and if for some reason he comes back to you instead of running off and hiding under a bed for the next several days, keep tossing him around the room until it's clean.

Sure, your cat will be filthy. But unlike hardwood floors, they clean themselves!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Just us.


When will they invent a wearable technology that will cover my entire body?

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by Bob Powers

Like most people, I love my gadgets almost as much as I hate my body. My physical form is as disgusting and unsightly as an iPhone is sleek and elegant. I’m sick of having to apologize every time I walk into a room for making people look at my hideous, mole-ridden flab pile instead of their tablet screens. Wouldn’t it be great if they could look at me and a tablet screen?

It's time for someone to invent the wearable tech that will cover my entire body.

Silicon Valley usually moves fast with the products we didn’t know we wanted, but on this front, they’re moving at a snail’s pace. With Google Glass and the new Apple Watch, they seem to think that we want wearables that are barely even visible on our bodies. Wrong! I want every surface of my skin hidden behind an LED screen or titanium casing of some kind or other, and I want it yesterday.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Throw a Samsung Galaxy s5 in a crowd and you’re bound to hit a gadget-obsessed American with body dysmorphia and an impatience for Autumn weather to arrive and give launch to bulky sweater season. The self-loathing tech consumer is legion in this country and we are tired of being ignored.

We want gadgets on our bodies. All over our bodies. We want our love handles replaced with sleek retina displays. We want our genitals to possess rounded corners. We are sick of seeing our flawed faces designed by God. We want to look in the mirror and see something designed by Jony Ive.

Think of it. If you’re self-conscious in a public setting, you’ll never again have to worry that your facial expression is betraying your mood, not with a new, state-of-the-art skull-sized emoji display. And if I can monitor my pulse and steps taken with a watch band, why can’t I keep track of how much sweat pours out of the back of my knees with a mobile computerized knee casing?

Who doesn’t like how they look in shirts? Um, everybody with a torso, duh. So how about someone disrupts The Gap’s monopoly on upper body coverings by selling us a chest casing with a 24 inch HD screen that constantly streams Marvel's The Avengers, or behind-the-scenes interviews with breakout star Laverne Cox from Orange Is The New Black? That’s a lot more visually appealing than some dumb sack of human blood and tissue, right?

There are naysayers for this kind of thing. Walking around all day covered in a gadget suit is “too hot,” or “too heavy,” or “almost guaranteed to cause cancer in nearly every organ in your body.” Hey, let the nerds in Cupertino work out the bugs. Just show me the buy button!

Full-body wearable tech isn’t the future. It’s the long-overdue present. Body image has never been lower. There's an entire populace of self-hating, out-of-shape Americans who love staring at screens just waiting to be the target demographic. Enough with the invisible glasses and tiny watches. Our bodies are only getting larger and grosser. Hurry up and cover them in a bunch of screens.

Illustration by Cole Mitchell

The most hilariously inappropriate things ever written by kids.

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Come on, everyone spells that wrong. (Via)

Kids are shockingly disgusting, perverse, and inappropriate. They're also our future. So we should probably pay attention to the weird messages they're passing to each other during class, because someday they'll be teachers, cops, and senators still passing poorly spelled notes with overtly sexual content. Here are some of the best kids' notes we've ever seen, and by best we mean they'll make you question ever having children.


Should have gotten extra credit for the accurate looking bong, though. (Via)

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Kid's favorite foods are never good for them. (Via)

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Maybe Long Island Medium can find out why she named her kid Rad. (Via)

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Hopefully he didn't figure this all out in one evening. (Via)

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That's why he wears that hat. (Via)

Updated 8/14/14:



Should have just picked one. (Via)  

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But if you do ever want to sniff my fart, you know where to find me. (Via

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Now he is the head of Monsanto. (Via)

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P.P.S. Fuck Fun Friday (Via)

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Sincerely, Tara Reid (Via)

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Better check those brakes. (Via)

Updated 7/10/14:


This kid writing to his parents is really getting a jump on his teen years. (Via)

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All day long? How does she find the time to teach? (Via)

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She did say balls. The kid is human.(Via

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She was trying to write "cute"? I hope? (Via)

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If it makes you feel better, everyone living is also dying.(Via)

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Seriously, Valerie. Run girl! (Via)

Updated 5/22/14:


She really needs to find a job where her boss respects her.(via)


Blunt, but concise. (via)


Dr. Lawrence has excellent handwriting for a doctor. (via)


At least she told you where she was. (via)


On the other hand, you may look handsome. Who is Nicholas to say? (via)


Better you learn now that it's a crul, crul world. (via)

Updated 4/24/14:


You'll get your diamond earrings when you start flossing, kid. (via)


That's cool. It happens. (via)


Kids these days can't even spell "cunt." (via)


TV will keep your teacher from being lonely, don't worry. (via)


And hopefully studying my dictionary. (via)


Well that's just a reasonable request. 
(via)

Updated 3/31/14:


You go girl. (via)


A simple, but effective plan. (via) 


Adults these days are horrible spellers. (via)


Always vomit with caution, young one! (via)


Inconsistently and with lots of scratching? (via)


There's an implicit threat of bodily harm in this note that makes me uncomfortable. (via)

Updated 2/26/14:


There's no limit to how many times she'd ceck on her brother. (via)


Thanks for the not-at-all creepy love letter! (via)


I'd be worried, but I'm too distracted by your grammar. (via)



I'm flattered. No one's ever called me cunt before. (via)



Tell no one, Ashley. (via)



Seriously Chad, what is your deal? (via)

Updated 1/25/14:


Seems pretty accurate. (via) (Click here to see the rest...)

 


Where does she circle to lead him on for the next six months? (via)

 


That diagram is crystal clear! Crystal! (via Huffington Post)

 


When apologizing fails, be honest. (via)

 


And WHAT?!! (via)

 


LOL that bitch deserves someone better. (via)

Updates 10/10/13:


But rest assured, they will not fail again.(via)

 


It's never too early to teach rap education.
(via)

 


Oh god, the red.
(via)

 


He's probably putting way more hearts on his girl's notes.
(via)

 


Dear Julia: Ew. Love, T.F.
(via)

 


Never fight a man armed with a lolepop.(via)

Updated 9/13/13:


Don't believe him, girl! He's just trying to get between your sticks. (via)

 


No no, break her heart the day before your anniversary. Sigh. You'll get there. (via)

 


Always ask for consent before putting your special thing in there but. (via)

 


 Why would anyone want to shoot a cat with a gasoline pump? (via)

 


Hate to break it to you, Julian, but you're still getting hit in the middle. (via)

 


Of course you love me. If you didn't, you would talk to me. (via)

 


What I'm trying to say is, you look like a sack of potatoes. (via)

 


Honesty is the most delicious policy. (via)

 


Oh, well if she's got those tet tet's, go to her. (via)

Student fakes Facebook photos to convince everyone she's in Southeast Asia without leaving town.

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How could this be anywhere but Asia? White people never look this excited at home.
(via Zilla van der Born)

Zilla van den Born, a 25-year-old graphic design student from the Netherlands, recently went on a five-week backpacking tour of Southeast Asia—or so her friends in Amsterdam thought. In actuality, she never left the Dutch city, but just redecorated her apartment (several times) to look like hotel rooms from whatever country she was pretending to be in so she could Skype her family without them being any the wiser:

She also posted pictures to Facebook showing her doing all sorts of fun and exciting vacation activities, all of which were either staged or Photoshopped.


Left: Zilla in her pool. Right: Zilla snorkeling in turquoise ocean waters with tropical fish.
(via Zilla van der Born)

Unlike most people who use social media to pretend they're in another city (or fake their own kidnapping), Zilla wasn't trying to get out of work or extend a drinking binge; she was trying to make the point that we're all filthy liars on social media. OK, maybe that's not how she put it, but she was trying to show people how easy it is to present a fantasy version of your life on sites like Facebook, and that we all do it far more often than we realize. 


First place looks pretty neat to me, too. (via Zilla van der Born)

Said Ms. van der Born in an interview, “I did this to show people that we filter and manipulate what we show on social media, and that we create an online world which reality can no longer meet."


I feel like I'm traveling to the exotic land of Dutch Facebook. (via Facebook)

“My goal was to prove how common and easy it is to distort reality," said Zilla. "Everybody knows that pictures of models are manipulated. But we often overlook the fact that we manipulate reality also in our own lives.” This constant presentation of the most idealized possible version of our lives actually affects real people: those who look at Facebook more often are more likely to be sad and dissatisfied with their own lives. Possibly, I don't know, because everyone else is pretending to be a pretty blonde girl on perpetual vacation visiting Buddhist monks (who turned out to live in Amsterdam).

Although the world has been reacting positively since she pulled this stunt in May (it took a while to spread beyond the Dutch press), her family and friends took it in a lot of different ways.

Well, one thing's for certain: I no longer feel bad about staying home on vacation days so much. It turns out everyone else was lying (or so I choose to believe).

(by Johnny McNulty)

Stains and suffering.

Fall treats.

5 people who are probably going to be looking for work this week.

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5. The megachurch pastor who said that women are homes for penises, like himself.


(via Twitter)

If you're in the nightclub business and are looking for a new venue in the Pacific Northwest, you should look in to one of the giant spaces formerly occupied by megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll. Because several branches of the Mars Hill Church he founded will be closing. Turns out, a lot of people aren't interested in seeking guidance from a guy who thinks a woman should bow down to her abusive husband and apologize for "not bending to his will." Or someone who would go on a church's online forum under a fake name to say that a woman's body is basically a home for a man's junk. If that weren't enough reason for the flock to flee, he's also being accused of mishandling church funds, along with loads of other unholy behavior. Put simply, he's a dick who should spend less time preaching, and more time praying for forgiveness.

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4. The Utah schoolteacher accused of plagiarizing a Christian romance novel and sexing it up.


(via Twitter)

There may be an opening for a teaching position in a Salt Lake City area elementary school soon, because one of its educators has been accused of plagiarism. Rachel Ann Nunes, the author of dozens of Christian romance novels, says that Tiffanie Rushton published an e-book that was a total ripoff of a book of hers called A Bid For Love. What Rushton is most upset about is that the biggest difference between her Christian-themed, non-graphic-sex story and Rushton's are the parts with the very non-Christian, graphic sex. Plagiarism can be tricky to prove, but the evidence in this case is pretty convincing. Even worse for Rushton, it now appears that this wasn't first time the schoolteacher has ripped off another author's work. It's important to teach kids right from wrong, and that probably shouldn't be handled by teachers who write wrong.

.

3. English councillor who called sex chat lines with his government phone.


(via BBC)

 The biggest shock regarding the story of Wiggan City Council member Robert Bleakley is that he still has a job. Because most people would be fired after an investigation into your text-messaging and porn-viewing history on a government-issued phone reveals that you have a "problem with women." The second biggest shock is that he was also calling sex chat lines. Who still does that? Wiggan must be a pretty understanding community, because it'd be pretty reasonable to think he'd be shown the door for being caught saying, "No wonder women are just cooking and washing material," and claiming women are "idiots." Instead, his phone was taken away and he's lost his Internet privileges. Considering it'll be really tough to accomplish much without those things, maybe government work still makes the most sense.

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2. The Colombian model/DJ who makes a fortune pretending to be a DJ.

Everyone knows that modern DJs don't spin records, scratch records, or do much of anything that resembles actual DJing (unless you count drugging and boozing). Nothing new about that. Everyone also know that millions of people nap on the job and slack off any chance they get. However, when you're caught on tape doing it, you deserve to lose your job. That's why Colombian model-turned-DJ Natalia Paris should not be employed as a DJ after this hilarious video surfaced showing her touching knobs and faders after hitting the space bar on her laptop. Nothing wrong with faking it till you're making it, just try to keep your eye out for cameras.

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1. The hardware store manager arrested for jizzing in his coworker's coffee.


(via The Smoking Gun)

Coming in at number one (by a long shot) is hardware store manager John Lind, whose next gig might be with the Minnesota Department of Corrections after admitting to police that he ejaculated in a female coworker's coffee. The woman called the cops after noticing that her coffee often tasted nasty, just after spotting Captain Nasty hovering around her desk with his hands "near his genitals." Lind told police that he supplied the makeshift Coffee-mate "to get her attention." I'm guessing he didn't have her phone number, or he would've tried to contact her in a more mature way, like sending her pictures of himself jacking into his own coffee.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Good Ideas: When will they invent a wearable technology that will cover my entire body?

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by Bob Powers

Like most people, I love my gadgets almost as much as I hate my body. My physical form is as disgusting and unsightly as an iPhone is sleek and elegant. I’m sick of having to apologize every time I walk into a room for making people look at my hideous, mole-ridden flab pile instead of their tablet screens. Wouldn’t it be great if they could look at me and a tablet screen?

It's time for someone to invent the wearable tech that will cover my entire body.

Silicon Valley usually moves fast with the products we didn’t know we wanted, but on this front, they’re moving at a snail’s pace. With Google Glass and the new Apple Watch, they seem to think that we want wearables that are barely even visible on our bodies. Wrong! I want every surface of my skin hidden behind an LED screen or titanium casing of some kind or other, and I want it yesterday.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Throw a Samsung Galaxy s5 in a crowd and you’re bound to hit a gadget-obsessed American with body dysmorphia and an impatience for Autumn weather to arrive and give launch to bulky sweater season. The self-loathing tech consumer is legion in this country and we are tired of being ignored.

We want gadgets on our bodies. All over our bodies. We want our love handles replaced with sleek retina displays. We want our genitals to possess rounded corners. We are sick of seeing our flawed faces designed by God. We want to look in the mirror and see something designed by Jony Ive.

Think of it. If you’re self-conscious in a public setting, you’ll never again have to worry that your facial expression is betraying your mood, not with a new, state-of-the-art skull-sized emoji display. And if I can monitor my pulse and steps taken with a watch band, why can’t I keep track of how much sweat pours out of the back of my knees with a mobile computerized knee casing?

Who doesn’t like how they look in shirts? Um, everybody with a torso, duh. So how about someone disrupts The Gap’s monopoly on upper body coverings by selling us a chest casing with a 24 inch HD screen that constantly streams Marvel's The Avengers, or behind-the-scenes interviews with breakout star Laverne Cox from Orange Is The New Black? That’s a lot more visually appealing than some dumb sack of human blood and tissue, right?

There are naysayers for this kind of thing. Walking around all day covered in a gadget suit is “too hot,” or “too heavy,” or “almost guaranteed to cause cancer in nearly every organ in your body.” Hey, let the nerds in Cupertino work out the bugs. Just show me the buy button!

Full-body wearable tech isn’t the future. It’s the long-overdue present. Body image has never been lower. There's an entire populace of self-hating, out-of-shape Americans who love staring at screens just waiting to be the target demographic. Enough with the invisible glasses and tiny watches. Our bodies are only getting larger and grosser. Hurry up and cover them in a bunch of screens.

Illustration by Cole Mitchell


This game of "spot the dildo" is harder than you'd expect.

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This took me a long time and also made me hungry for chips. (via Subtle Dildo)

We here at HappyPlace are no stranger to people accidentally leaving dildos or other embarrassing things in the photos they put online, but it never occurred to us to purposefully craft photos with a dildo artfully placed in the shot as a game for people to play online. Well, someone has filled that hole in the Internet environment: Subtle Dildo. This tumblr is new, but the possibly Canadian guys and gal who seem to be behind it (or are at least in the photos) have already created a bunch of photos that combine the best of childhood find-the-object puzzles and dildo insertions.


A little easier, but a very well-composed photo. (via Subtle Dildo)

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Wherever there's a Canadian, there's always a dildo nearby. (via Subtle Dildo)

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Unrelated: the imitation Coke Zero flavor is not good. (via Subtle Dildo)

So head on over to subtledildo.com and see if you can spot all the dildos, and check back regularly for new hidden dildos—I, for one am excited to see them learn how to play hide-the-plastic-salami better and better.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Identity crisis.

All-day silence.

Web Triumphs: Someone digitally inserted Super Mario into viral videos to take credit for the Internet's biggest fails.

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Super Mario: 1Up. Wedding Party: 1Down.

I've always loved Super Mario, foe to King Koopas and weird pelican things, hero to and Princess Peach. But now, I love Super Bad Mario even more. Thanks to Pastek, Mario has been digitally inserted into all the great fail vids to become a foe to middle aged dudes trying to ride a skateboard and a hero to me.  

He's not just Super, he's Super Bad. 

Oh how I wish this really were a game. I'd invest hours into Super Bad Mario Brothers if it meant that instead of knocking down a row of Koopa Troopas, Mario kicked turtle shells to knock fancy ladies off boats.

(by Myka Fox)

At least Oscar Pistorius will think long and hard before he kills his next girlfriend.

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rob delaneyThu, 11 Sep 2014 11:00:26 EDT

At least Oscar Pistorius will think long and hard before he kills his next girlfriend.

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