Seems more like they're remembering the twin tubes.

Look, I don't want to tell the fine people who make Fleshlight that they have no right to remember 9/11. Their founder patented the device as a "device for discreet sperm collection" in 1998, so they definitely have an institutional memory of the event. That said, I don't think we as a public really want to mix our never-forget stoicism with our generally warm feelings for Fleshlight, the company that finally made sex toys acceptable(ish) for dudes. Although the tweet and image themselves are respectful enough, it nonetheless appears next to cross-sections of Fleshlight's latest pornstar-approved anal and vaginal simulators. So, maybe much like everything you make, Fleshlight, you should keep your civic statements to a private setting.

Today is 13th anniversary of 9/11. We remember those lost, & honor those still fighting for freedom. #911NeverForgetpic.twitter.com/W0yFU73L7V

— Official Fleshlight (@Fleshlight) September 11, 201

(by Johnny McNulty)

College kid gets trashed.

University of Manchester student Robert Niven had to be rescued by firemen after getting himself stuck inside a garbage can. The young Brit was on his way home from a "night out" (read: "getting shite-faced") when he noticed a garbage bin with its latch left open. So he did what a lot of college kids would consider the sensible thing to do after a "night out," and climbed inside to get a laugh out of his mates. His friends then realized it would be even funnier if one of them kicked the door shut. They were right, because when the door shut, the latch locked and Niven found himself in the kind of predicament that would normally involve an overly-curious bear cub.  

After goofing on him and taking pictures for a solid half-hour in between failed attempts to get him out, they finally called the fire department, who sent a crew to set him free.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

1. Oscar Pistorius Found Not Guilty Of Murder — Might Still Be Guilty Of Being Dangerously Dumb 

Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius has been found not guilty by a South African judge of murdering his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp on Valentine's Day last year. However, he still may be found guilty of "culpable homicide," meaning that his actions that night were criminally dumb.

Pistorius suspended for 0 games.

— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) September 11, 2014

2. One Thing That Still Brings Us Happiness About To Get More Expensive — Bad Barley Crop Could Lead To Increase In Beer Prices

After heavy August rains ruined a large portion of Idaho and Montana's unharvested barley crops, it appears that consumers who just need a drink at the end of a long and frustrating day will be forced to endure a marked price increase in their precious, precious beer. "We've been told to expect major price increases for malt,” Tim Mohr of Angry Hank's Brewery told the Billings Gazette. "Our prices are stable until January, but beer prices are going up." 

Maybe it's the beer talking, but I love you all. Well, I love some of you... Okay, I love three of you... Fine, I love one parody account.

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) September 9, 2014

3. Math Nerds Determine The Best Burrito In All Of America

The statistics-obsessed Poindexters over at Nate Silver's FiveThirtyEight website have spent the past several months painstakingly eating burritos from around the country and narrowing them down with a brackets-style rankings system. Finally, after hundreds of thousands of calories and countless dollops of guacamole, they have determined that the best burrito in the United States is the Carnitas Burrito from La Taqueria in San Francisco. Finally, we have some closure on this matter of mucha importancia.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 3, 2014

4. Movie Fans Finally Get Frustratingly Awful First Images Of The New Batmobile

Yesterday, after a photo of the Batmobile—as it will appear in the upcoming film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice—was leaked on Instagram, giving fans a grainy but full view of the iconic vehicle, the film's director Zach Snyder released an official photo with much higher resolution, but too tight to really make out the proportions. But it's definitely black and has guns.

Here’s a real picture of the #Batmobile. http://t.co/47beaZqr6fpic.twitter.com/Ez1ILa8JeE

— ZackSnyder (@ZackSnyder) September 11, 2014

Man, that new Batmobile is going to look so cool in tie-in commercials where Batman is driving fast for reasons pertaining to Sprite.

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 15, 2014

5. Is Your Doorknob Trying To Infect You With A Deadly Pathogen? Probably!

Researchers from the University of Arizona have discovered that a building's doorknob, used by a person with a communicable virus, is capable of infecting 60 percent of that building's occupants within just a few hours. Extrapolating from that, we can assume that within a few days, it could infect up to 200 percent of occupants, which is so terrifying, it doesn't even make sense. 

Is it just me, or are germs looking like the team to beat?

— Dan Cronin (@croninwhocares) July 24, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Turns out God really does care about football outcomes. 

What makes you special? Is it that you are a supreme being, the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority? No? 

Then you ain't got shit on this kid. If you thought the Millennials were an entitled bunch, beware the newest generation: the Messianics. They've been told they can be whatever they want when they grow up if they believe in themselves, but this kid wants us to believe in him, too.

This is redditor SALON_QUALITY_HAIR's 5-year-old nephew, and he is god. He kinda buried the lead here in his homework assignment, but this is the official proclamation of our new lord and savior. It's not as hard to remember as tablets of commandments, but rather just three short declarative statements, and they are gospel.

1) Thou shalt not talk during the kick-off.

2) Though shalt build and keep a shrine of Legos.

3) There is only one true god, and he needs a dotted line to measure his handwriting accurately.

Some people say he misspelled "good," and I call those people "blasphemers."

In his name we play, amen.

(by Myka Fox)

Bo Williams, center, knows this is his big chance to look anchorly.

Local news anchors have to deal with a lot: reporting on traffic jams, reporting on funny animal stories, and each other. Intrepid desk jockeys Tearsa Smith, Bo Williams and Julya Johnson, the morning news team at ABC affiliate WATE in Tennessee, had to face a new foe, however: a bat that was loose in their studio. Bo Williams did easily the best job keeping his cool, unless his nervous tic is making lame jokes about how awake this was making him. Tearsa (yes, Tearsa) and Julya (yes, Julya), on the other hand, were on the same page: yell, at the producers and in general, until this thing leaves. Eventually, animal control showed up and they were able to get it out.

Warning: I don't know why, but the video below repeats the same minute-long clip over and over. Just stop when he says "There's a bat flying around behind us!" a second time at 1:10.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Rules 3-39 don't really matter, apparently, and #40 is a secret.

People who are willing to serve their city government should be commended, but no one has ever accused their municipal employees of being the brightest group in town—so it helps when they're at least relaxed about their shortcomings. Reader Hannah S. alerted us to the website for the City of Valley Park, Missouri, where things are a little more laid back than you may be accusted (or however you spell it) to. There's no need for silly things like spell check—we know what you mean! It's cool. 

The town has some other amusing items on its home page, including this delightful brain teaser:

Who has a 60-pound trashcan? Should this be two updates?
Does no one in this office have a copy of the Chicago Manual of Style?

So, if living on the river and enjoying a laid back life without a care in the world for spelling or whether your trash pickup involves logical impossibilities, consider moving to Valley Park, MO. Your whole family can accompy you.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"I'm guilty of loving too much"

This man on season 18 of MSNBC's Lockup might be on trial for attempting to sell weed to an undercover cop, but he still stands behind his convictions. 

Turns out he didn't just try to sell the undercover agent weed, he also tried to sell her his heart, or at least one of his organs. As far as I know, it is still legal to hit on a woman, but for this man, not hitting on that cop would have been a crime. She was just too thick. 

How thick was she?

How could he have been expected to not hit on her? Everybody knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

While the prosecuting attorney reads the testimony as though what this man said was offensive, he shoots her "the look" (you know it when you see it) as though she just read the piece of evidence that should clear him of all charges. 

in case you missed it...

Here he is, locked up and still behind (ahem) what he stands for.

Sometimes, when you stand up for something in a courtroom, it isn't just because a judge ordered you to. Sometimes you have to stand for something you believe in. For this guy, it was a fat ass.

The defense rests. 

(by Myka Fox)

A bunch of creepsters standing around being creepy.

It turns out that if you strip all of John Williams' classic score away from the original Star Wars film, you end up losing a good deal—if not all—of the emotional impact of the final scene in which Princess Leia gives medals of honor to Luke Skywalker and Han Solo but not Chewbacca for some reason:

See what I mean? What was originally a really triumphant moment kind of turns into just a bunch of people standing around, exchanging uncomfortable knowing glances with one another, cut intermittently with Chewbacca's annoyed yawps at the blatant space racism on display in the ceremony. 

I wonder if that's why George Lucas decided to add music at the last second.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Foo times two.

It's no secret that Foo Fighters have been playing secret gigs lately under the name The Holy Shits. So when the terribly kept secret got out that the Holy Shits were playing a Brighton, UK club, tickets went pretty quickly. Especially since they were playing a venue so small, it'd be better suited for a gig by a Foo Fighters cover band. Fans who packed into the Concorde 2 last night got to see both.

At one point in the show, Grohl mentioned feeling intimidated because members of the UK Foo Fighters were in attendance, saying, "We don’t wanna shit the bed in front of the U.K. Foo Fighters. They’ll be like, ‘That’s not how it goes.'” That might have stood as the highlight of the cover band's singer's life--and probably was--until a little while later, when Grohl invited him onstage with, "Ladies and gentlemen, me!"

The lucky dude then took over vocal duties from Grohl and rocked the shit out of White Limo.

Tickets aren't available for the week's worth of shows at Wembley Stadium that Grohl hinted at. But if you're in Wrexham, UK tomorrow night, you cant catch the UK Foo Fighters at Central Station.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This was all the cat's idea.

Out there, in the wilds of Schenectady, there is a kid who is fighting the good fight: the agonizing oppression of the student yearbook. Every year, kids are forced to take the same pained pose, a slight tilt in the head, a faraway gaze, a cloudy blue background. 

This year, 16-year old Draven Rodriguez says no to those limitations. He wants to be remembered in the yearbook the way he is in real life: holding his cat Mr Bigglesworth and surrounded by lasers. 

As he told the Daily Gazette, “I don’t want to go in the yearbook with the generic ‘I-look-like-everyone-else’ photo. I wanted a ‘He looks great. Only he would try that’ photo.” 

To ensure his immortalization as the only one who would try it, Rodriguez started a pre-emptive petition to persuade the powers that be at Schenectady High School to include his photo before they hand down an official "no." 

According to his petition, "This is my photo that should be going into the yearbook, but we know how finicky the school systems can be. I'm hoping that with enough signatures, my school simply can't turn this down."

He was hoping for 500 signatures, but as of this publication he has already gotten 1,300, and that number is still climbing. 

Despite the public approval, the school district has already issued an informal response, and it is pretty much a no. 

As school district spokeswoman Karen Corona told The Gazette, "That will not appear in the portrait section. There are other places in the yearbook where those photos can be placed. It doesn’t mean the photo won’t be in the yearbook. It just means it won’t be in the section where the more professional photos are."

I have to admit, I support their decision.

As much as I think his picture rocks, support freedom of expression, and fully understand the desire to fuck shit up and subvert the system (I wont give examples of my commitment to this here for legal reasons), I can't help but feel like this kid is missing out on the point of the yearbook portrait. What is a yearbook if not the representation of what school really is: a standardized institution. One look at the millions of YouTube, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and Snapchat accounts will tell us, freedom of expression is not what is lacking in society. Maybe the yearbook should represent the homogeneity the school system stands for — Standardized tests! Standardized dress codes! Standardized photos! They have already allowed for other places in the yearbook where this photo could live. In a world where self expression already reigns supreme, why not let the portrait section offer the only difference it can — standardization.

When The Gazette informed him of the school district's decision, Draven played the cool customer, saying "I can work with that. I’m not trying to make any statement." 

He created a backup to use just in case. 

That's great. As Orson Welles once said, "The enemy of art is the absence of limitations."

Anyone can add cats and lasers, so in the spirit of letting the limitations challenge his art, here is the backup Rodriguez produced for them to use instead:

Close enough.

(by Myka Fox)

What's even more amazing is there was a black guy at a NASCAR race.

If there's one thing I know about NASCAR, and I doubt that I know two things, it's that you don't really want to get that close to the speeding stock cars going 200 mph (they've been clocked as fast as 212mph, but NASCAR has restricted speeds so that no cars get airborne and sail into the crowd). Tires, explosions, stray nuts and bolts from crashing cars; these are the risks I knew about already. Now I know about one more: wind. It turns out a passing swarm of NASCAR vehicles will literally knock you off your feet. This lady is lucky someone was walking behind her at that moment or she could have hit her head on the ground pretty hard.

They sell pictures, lady. I guarantee they look better than whatever your phone got of a car going by at that speed. At no point in this YouTube video are the cars not blurred.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Do you know who she is?! Do you know who she is?!

It's always difficult when our most cherished and respected public figures get caught up in the baser skirmishes of everyday life. Of course we like to imagine that these pillars of society are somehow above drunken fistfights and screaming matches. But it would appear that even a family as revered and celebrated as the Palins can sometimes find themselves caught up in a little alcohol-fueled drama.

According to the Anchorage Police Department's Case No. 14-36989, several officers "responded to a report of a verbal and physical altercation taking place between multiple subjects outside of a residence... Some of the Palin family members were in attendance at the party."

No big deal, right? Sarah Palin can't help it if some crazy fight breaks out at the same soirée at which she and her family members are drinking wine and discussing the collected memoirs of Winston Churchill, can she?

Except, according to multiple reports, the Palins were not simply active participants in said fisticuffs, they were instigators. There's this account from an Alaska political blogger:

Track Palin stumbles out of a stretch Hummer, and immediately spots an ex-boyfriend of Willow’s. Track isn’t happy with this guy, the story goes. There’s words, and more. The owner of the house gets involved, and he probably wished he hadn't. At this point, he’s up against nearly the whole Palin tribe: Palin women screaming. Palin men thumping their chests. Word is that Bristol has a particularly strong right hook, which she employed repeatedly, and it’s something to hear when Sarah screams, “Don’t you know who I am!” And it was particularly wonderful when someone in the crowd screamed back, “This isn’t some damned Hillbilly reality show!” ... Track was seen on the street, shirtless, flipping people off, with Sarah right behind him, and Todd somewhere in the foreground, tending to his bloody nose. 

As well as this one from another Alaska blogger:

Track had some altercation with a person who may or may not have once dated one of the Palin girls. That led to some pushing and shoving, which escalated somehow to the family being asked to leave the premises. However before that could happen a certain former abstinence spokesperson unleashed a flurry of blows at some as of yet identified individual before being pulled off by by another partygoer, after which Todd apparently puffed up his chest and made some threatening remarks.

And this comment on the same blog:

[S]tories... are continuing to bubble to the surface now about the Palin's wild weekend at a Wasilla soiree: Bristol punching people, the Todd with a bloody lip, Track trying to pick up a chick for a quickie and Sarah herself screeching profanity at the offenders. It didn't make the police blotter, but people are talking.

It truly saddens me to have to write of such sordid tales concerning some of the finest patriots ever to step foot on hallowed U.S. soil. Although, it may seem inconceivable that Todd Palin could get into a brawl, or that America's sweetheart Bristol Palin could unloose a barrage of haymakers upon a fellow partygoer, or that the former Governor of Alaska herself could try to exert her influence upon Anchorage's finest, we might have to face the reality that these people are only human. And we shouldn't allow it to change our deep affection for them and their unparalleled moral insights.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A paw four.

Regardless of what it says in the golf rule book, or the pace you're playing at, when a family of bears decides to play through, you should give them the right of way. Better yet, you should probably haul ass in the other direction, because as adorably harmless as this baby bear pole dancing and playing around on the green appears to be, mama bear is still capable of shanking your skull into the woods. Especially if you needlessly narrate the video in a volume that can be heard from the clubhouse.

(by Jonathan Corbett)