"This isn't a Frozen sing-a-long. This is rap f*ckin' music!" (via Getty Images)

Last night, Kanye took five minutes (which actually, in Kanye-rant time, isn't very long) out of his concert to encourage his fans to "run the video" and decide for themselves. You know, the video where Kanye appears to delay a performance in Sydney until a woman with a prosthetic limb and a boy in a wheelchair stand up. The one the "media press news" are making such a big deal about. 

Media press news like us! That's right, we here at Happy Place took it upon ourselves to help Wheelchair-Gate blow up into the biggest, craziest Kanye scandal since ImaLetYouFinish-Gate. Thanks for the shout out. We're blushing. 

According to the rapper, the media wastes their time reporting on stupid stuff Kanye says while America has much bigger problems, like "kids getting killed every weekend in Chicago." Apparently, in his mind, Kanye has never been the type to distract us from those harsh realities by turning his life into an amusing spectacle that plays out on social media. No way! He's just a "married, Christian man," who occasionally has public foreplay on Twitter with his lawfully wedded wife, gosh darnit.

And anyway, if he is offensive sometimes, too bad! He's not supposed to be "G-rated"! This is "rap f*ckin' music," after all.

Here's the video in full, and here's a transcript, if 5 minutes seems like an exceptionally long time to listen to Kanye rant:

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

He was just in awe of the majesty of romantic commitment. Or his back went out. (Via)

It's one thing to be caught doing something dumb in the background of a regular photo. All that happens is you end up dumped into a blogpost like this one, everyone points and laughs briefly, and then everyone moves on. But when you get caught looking like an idiot in a wedding pic, thanks to that whole "special day" thing, it becomes a whole other deal. 

Take this guy for example.

The doves. They're like tiny flying bunnies.

This guy is going to be remembered looking like this every time that couple drags out their wedding pics to look back on their special day. That's enough to end the friendship, sure. But unfortunately, he also needs to end his friendship with the Internet.

Yesterday, someone threw this photo up on reddit's "photoshop battles" sub with the title "High guy at a wedding," and challenged the Internet's photoshop artists to go hog wild. They did.

Get up, stand up. Don't forget the ring. (via)

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And now, the couple will enjoy their first power ballad as husband and wife. (via)

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You should see how satisfied the wrecking ball looks. (via)

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No matter how many times he was asked, the best man never revealed just how wild
the bachelor party really was. (via)

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AND I SAID HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA! (via)

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"I can't go through with the wedding, sweetie. I had a weird dream about your best man." (via)

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Best man-ception. (via)

(by Bob Powers)

1. Arizona GOP's Vice Chairman Forced Out Of Office Simply For Wanting To Sterilize Poor People

The vice chair of Arizona's Republican Party stepped down over the weekend after a bunch of whiny babies got upset simply because he called for the forced sterilization of impoverished women having the gall to collect government welfare checks and breed at the same time. Former State Sen. Russell Pearce told a talk radio audience: "You put me in charge of Medicaid, the first thing I'd do is get Norplant, birth-control implants, or tubal ligations… Then we'll test recipients for drugs and alcohol, and if you want to [reproduce] or use drugs or alcohol, then get a job." Seems like you can't advocate any form of eugenics these days. Jeeze!

A new GOP poll found that women think Republicans are "stuck in the past." The poll also found that "fire is hot" and "needles are pointy."

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 28, 2014

2. Apple Reluctantly Allows You To Not Have U2 On Your Phone

Tim Cook has heard your complaints and has decided that he will allow you all to remove U2's gratis album Songs of Innocence from your listening device. Apple has launched a special website that allows users to cleanse their iTunes libraries of the offending collection of music with one click.

With every click of the Erase U2 app the band find themselves growing more transparent - like Marty in Back to the Future.

— Matt Suddain (@suddain) September 16, 2014

3. Rihanna Tells CBS "F**k you!," Much Like TV Viewers

After CBS back-stepped on plans to use the Rihanna song "Run This Town" during the intro to last week's Thursday Night Football game between the Ravens and Steelers—due apparently to her decision years ago to get beat up by her then-boyfriend Chris Brown—they now want to use the song for this week's show. Having clearly had her fill of abuse at the hands of half-wit dudes, Rihanna politely declined their offer:

CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday? NO, Fuck you! Y'all are sad for penalizing me for this.

— Rihanna (@rihanna) September 16, 2014

Rihanna scrolls through her DVR, furiously deleting every episode of Mike & Molly.

— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) September 16, 2014

Update: CBS announced they won't use any songs and have new TNF theme music. 

4. Giving Yourself Lung Cancer Is Coming Back Into Style

According to some new research, making your mouth taste like an ashtray is starting to get cool again. Data shows that about 16 percent of the taste-making residents of New York City—more than one million people—are currently inhaling toxic, foul-smelling cigarette smoke into their lungs on a regular basis, up two percentage points from 2010.

Smoking in the boy's room is even cooler if you're a girl.

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) September 9, 2014

5. Cat Stevens To Tour U.S. For First Time Since He Used To Be Cat Stevens 

Yusuf Islam—the singer-songwriter known as Cat Stevens prior to his decision to convert to Islam and leave the entertainment industry more than a quarter-century ago—will be playing shows in six U.S. cities on his upcoming tour. This should be a huge event for fans of '70s-era folk rock and supporters of the 25-year-old fatwa against author Salmon Rushdie.

Cat Stevens has announced his first US tour since 1976. He'd better like traveling by bus because Yusuf Islam is still on the no-fly list.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) September 16, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Austin Michael Symonds, 18, does not need to be kept any weirder. (via KEYE)

Residents of Austin, TX often sport shirts urging everyone to "Keep Austin Weird," but a young man named Austin Michael Symonds may have taken that motto way too seriously. Austin (a resident of the Austin, TX suburb of Georgetown) was just arrested for rubbing his balls all over a stuffed Hawaiian pizza that a customer was getting ready to pick up. The restaurant at which Austin worked, Papa Murphy's, specializes in pre-prepared (but uncooked) pizzas customers can bake at home. So, just to be clear, we're talking about this dude's balls on cool, wet dough stuffed with extra cheese and topped with chunks of cold, wet pineapple, cheese, and thick slices of Canadian bacon. 

He would have probably gotten away with it, too, if the customer hadn't walked in the store to pick up his pizza right when it was being testicularized. The arrest warrant for the teen, according to the Austin Statesman, asserts that the customer confronted Symonds about the whole your-balls-are-on-my-food thing, and asked him his age. When Symonds responded that he was 18, the customer replied "So, you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone's pizza?" Man, there's nothing worse than having someone calmly ask you to acknowledge just how stupid you are. "Yes," replied Austin. "Man, I am really sorry, that was stupid."

His eloquent apology aside, Symonds still lost his job after the incident, and in a recorded phone call with his (ex) manager, he fesses up to debasing the uncooked pizza because he was angry that the customer had decided to place an order immediately before closing time, and that he "probably" would have given it to the man if he had not been literally caught with his pants down. 

Police charged Symonds with tampering with a consumer product, and he's currently out on $10,000 ball. I mean bail.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Litter Woman, serving a hot cup of justice.

Street justice might have a new name, if only this mysterious, litter-hating, vigilante chick on the motorcycle would say it. Unfortunately, she doesn't even show her face, so we only get to see the shocked expressions of drivers after the garbage they carelessly tossed from their cars is thrown back in their faces.

The video appears to be shot in Russia, so like every other video out of Russia, it has about a 50 percent chance of being staged. That goes for everything from car crashes and UFO sightings to Russia's military "protection" of its neighbors. Even if it's the video isn't completely legit, it's more enjoyable than most of the crappy superhero movies being churned out by Hollywood, and at least has a plot that makes sense. It's also one of the few films that deserves a sequel.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

(by Jonathan Corbett, design by Cole Mitchell)

"I hope you brought enough of those bottles for everyone, motherfucker."

If you haven't watched the video yet, all I have to say to you is "please ignore the annoying yelling people in the video, but seriously, you have to watch it," and also, "you have been warned."

AHHHHHHHHHOHHHMMYYYGOODDD. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Ok. AHHHHHHHHHHH. THROW BEER AND CIGARETTE BUTTS AT IT!

It's too late. They've dispersed, and they will grow, and they will remember. Maybe the terrified humans in this video should have called this spider hit-man instead.

(by Johnny McNulty)

You're buying dinner, Brandon.

You may not be able to judge a person by their appearance, but you can definitely judge if they have lots and lots of money from a photo of their bank statement. 

Barstool Sports shared this straight-shooting Tinder profile pic from 29-year-old Brandon. While some may call a woman who would date a man for money "shallow," we'd call a man with six figures in the bank "worth meeting." With that much in savings, he could have a second family in Ohio and we'd still want to at least meet him. 

Yeah, Brandon may be a tool, but on the plus side, he probably works really long hours at a hedge fund and we'd never even have to see him. Win-win!

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Good news! You're not this guy:

This guy was cheating on three girls at once, and when they found out about it, they decided revenge was a dish best served on Twitter. Becky Connery, 17, Lizzie Leeland Cunningham, 19, and a third girl (who wishes to remain anonymous) met their scumbag boyfriend at the airport when he arrived back from a trip to confront him together.

just been at the airport to meet my cheating boyfriend with the two other girls he was seeing pic.twitter.com/gmsHchXe3W

— becky connery (@fuckubecky) September 13, 2014

According to the Daily Mail, the three girls started yelling "Liar! Liar!" at him as soon as he came through customs. They said they needed to talk, and he allegedly replied, "Can't I talk to you later?" Suffice it to say, the dude was freaked out. 

and he ran to his nana, so if any other girl is seeing him, better get yourself checked as he's slept with everyone:)

— becky connery (@fuckubecky) September 13, 2014

All too often, people who get cheated on like to blame the other woman (or other man, as the case may be). So, it's nice to see these women bond over their mutual hatred of the guy who dicked them around. Here's hoping they can find room in their hearts for all of this dude's victims. 

Oh god there's another girl

— becky connery (@fuckubecky) September 13, 2014

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Why is this so funny?

This video is disturbing. Mostly because I'm upset by the fact that I can't stop laughing at something this idiotic. On paper, this one-note stunt is not only incredibly pointless and dumb, it's dangerous. New Yorkers aren't famous for being touchy-feely, especially ones attempting to hail a cab in the middle of the day. If the video becomes a hit and this bearded knucklehead attempts a follow-up, there's a decent chance he'll get seriously hurt. If he happens to slap the wrong guy running late to catch a flight... well, let's just hope that doesn't happen.

It's just wrong. So dumb, yet so funny.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

#ThingsThatMakeWhitePeopleFeelSmart

As part of their series "The Idiot's Guide to Smart People," Above Average explains why smart people love Malcolm Gladwell. Gladwell is the author of such bestsellers as Outliers, The Tipping Point, and The Outlying Pointers. But as the creators of the video explain, it's not that he has a lot of pithy but ultimately meaningless things to say, it's the way he says them. 

Actually, fine, it's his hair. His hair makes him seem smart. 

Here's "The Idiot's Guide to Smart People: Politics" in case you missed it. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

"Bow... wow?"

Okay, there's two things you need to know about this video compilation of drugged-out dogs:

1) All of these dogs are fine. None of them are the victims of abuse. They're wobbling around and acting all goofy like this because they just went to see a veterinarian, presumably with someone who cared enough about their health that they brought them to see a veterinarian. As the YouTube description explains: "No animals were harmed in the making of this video. Except for the part that took them to the vet in the first place." So, you can watch this with a guilt-free conscience:

2) The proper way to watch this video is on a loop, synced up with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. (By the time you get to "The Great Gig in the Sky" things start getting really trippy. I actually thought I was going literally insane there for a minute.)

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Legends of the game.

It was difficult picking a side to root for while watching this hot dog eating competition between Tiny Hamster and Kobayashi. Happy Place has been supportive of the little rodent since he burst onto the scene back in May. On the other hand, Kobayashi is a living legend, the Babe Ruth of stuffing face, who made competitive eating the enormously popular, gloriously disgusting sport it is today.

When I first saw the title, I was afraid for a moment that it was a video of Kobayashi attempting to eat several dozen tiny hamsters -- a feat he could no doubt accomplish. That video would also be popular, but for all the wrong reasons. I'm glad this one is just a friendly competition between two warriors in the gluttony game.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. What the fuck are you going to do about it?

A 25-year-old Welsh mother named Talina Evans was shocked to overhear the kind of language that was being used in her daughter's playtime with a Barbie doll. Except it wasn't Talina's 7-year-old daughter Demileigh who had developed a potty mouth, it was the doll. The figurine in question was a Talkin' Barbie, which has several buttons on her belt that can produce different phrases. Unfortunately, one of those phrases appears to be "What the fuuuuuuuck?" Unless, of course, this mom and the British tabloids are blowing this whole thing out of proportion and it's saying something else (see at bottom).

This particular Talkin' Barbie is based on the Barbie from the doll's webseries, Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse, which is real and should make you feel 1000 years old. The toy was given to Demileigh by her grandfather. "She had wanted the doll for a while," Talina explained, "so my dad bought it for her" from the local Home Bargains store. Demileigh "loved it" and had "been playing with it constantly ever since."

Not anymore, though. "We've taken it off her now. We just told her that the doll had been bad and was swearing so it had to go," said Talina, who apparently thinks that this explanation will not confuse her daughter later in life. "She was disappointed, of course, but she understood that it is wrong to swear and so the doll had to go."

Ms. Evans, who is currently expecting her second child, has tried in vain to get her money back, but apparently that whole "receipt" thing applies even to angry mothers. She's still mad at Mattel, though. "I think it's very irresponsible...they know that children are going to be playing with the toys." (Really?)

Talina also insists she's "not the only one who has heard it," and indeed a poll on the Metro UK site indicates that most readers agree with Talina that the doll is swearing. Personally, I agree with the theory that she's saying "off the hook!" with a slight bug that makes it sound weird. Furthermore, I think this ad for the doll pretty much proves my point:

Mattel has launched an investigation into the matter, but won't give any other comment. Because it doesn't need to. 

(by Johnny McNulty)

Jimmy is a little young for this reference, but he humors his master.

The next big Internet star is Jimmy Choo the Bull Terrier. He didn't seek Internet fame, though, it came to him via his master Rafael Mantesso's desire to start fresh after a divorce left him with a house devoid of anything except white walls and a white (and brown) Bull Terrier that his wife had named. Mantesso is a restaurant owner and the editor-in-chief of a gastronomy marketing site, but it is his Instagram account full of pictures of Jimmy Choo illustrated onto his white walls that people are writing about.

Apparently, Jimmy is very, very good at obeying the "Stay" command, which he would have to be to get all these amazing shots.

Although his wife originally named Jimmy, Mantesso has become very close to his dog: “I think they are an amazing breed – behavior, personality, the love they demonstrate to their owner, and especially their aesthetics.” Indeed, Jimmy is a pretty healthy-looking Bull Terrier, considering over-breeding for their looks has negatively affected the dogs' health since earlier generations, like General Patton's dog.

He may not be a pit bull, but he looks close enough that Mantesso gets hurt "when people turn away or cross the street for fear of him—people think Bull Terriers and pit bull dogs are murderers and bloodthirsty." I, for one, would much rather cross the street to meet Jimmy.

Check out more on Mantesso's Instagram account.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Everybody wants to be in show business.

As if performing in a classical music contest wasn't stressful enough, flautist Yukie Ota had to deal with an overly aggressive fan in the form of a butterfly perched on her face. Not only did the winged distraction fail to throw off her concentration, she handled it so well, it looked like the flute-r fly may have been trained as part of the act. Good thing, too, because shrieking during a flute solo is the kind of thing classical music snobs frown upon. So it's safe to assume that killing a butterfly will cost you points with the judges.

This was only the first round of competition, which ends on September 20th. Hopefully the judges took Ota's ridiculous concentration into account, because unless she pulls out a trick involving a bird or a cat, it's going to be tough to wow the judges after this performance.

(by Jonathan Corbett)