Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

Here's why you should never propose marriage on a paddleboat... unless you brought your scuba gear.

$
0
0

Seconds before disaster strikes.

So, here's this guy and his lady floating peacefully on the water along with a bunch of their friends. Just chillin', drinking some beers and soaking in the sun's rays. But he wants more. So he pulls out a diamond ring that probably cost as much as he takes home in a month, and he asks for his lady's hand in marriage.

And then this happens:  

Plunk! Right into the water. All that money, all that time spent working and planning, all his best intentions...gone in the blink of an eye. Suddenly all fun and relaxation has ended, and the once-fresh air is filled with the acrid stench of resentment.

Has there ever been a better metaphor for marriage?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


This is what a pro race car driver does when his brakes cut out.

$
0
0


Getting there looked terrifying, but the actual landing spot looks kinda comfy.

Race car driver Tim Bell of North Carolina lost his brakes while racing on Austin, TX's Circuit of the Americas, but fortunately, he didn't lose his cool. Bell skillfully took his Nissan 370Z off the track on turn 12 into a gravel pit and onto the grass to lose speed, before fishtailing (which also cuts speed) into some soft barriers, ensuring he hit the passenger side. Still, he hit the wall at well over 100mph, but his steady handling meant that he walked away from the crash, even if his car did not.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This is what happens when you forget you have a dentist's appointment on "Talk Like a Pirate Day."

$
0
0


Looks like someone's gonna walk the plaque... ugh, sorry.(via)

It's both a blessing and a curse when one of your biannual dentist appointments happens to land on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, as it did for this redditor yesterday. As is plainly evident in the picture above, this guy takes both dental hygiene and buccaneer vocabulation very seriously. 

"Forgot I had a dentist appointment and didn't have time to change. They think I am crazy in the waiting room," redditor Possibly_ explained in a post yesterday. "...Krispy Kreme is giving out a free donut if you talk like a pirate, or a whole dozen if you dress like one. I love free stuff."

So, on the one hand, the normals in the waiting room will think you're insane. But on the other, there's no better time for a thorough cleaning than after eating a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

An emotionally fragile guy called Apple to ask what he should do while he's waiting for his iPhone 6.

$
0
0


Your old phone is lonely. Go talk to it while you're waiting.

If you just can't wait any longer to get your hands on a new iPhone 6, too bad. You probably still have a few weeks of waiting ahead of you. 

You could try what comedian Dan Wilbur did. When he got sick of twiddling his texting thumbs, he called Apple support and asked them what to do. It's their job to know how to handle common problems associated with Apple products, right? And having to wait for new Apple products is a problem we all have.

Luckily for Dan, Ramone thought this was the "best call [he'd] received in a long time" and had some pretty excellent suggestions, like what to do when Dan sees people who already have the iPhone 6. Mostly importantly, he commiserated: "I know exactly how you feel."

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Always around.

This guy nearly got the crud knocked out of him by a swan while he tried to save the ungrateful bird's baby.

$
0
0


"Stop trying to save my child's life, you dumb human!"

Come on now, swan! This guy is clearly not trying to kill the adorable little cygnet that you let get trapped in a fence somehow. Can't you read his jacket? It says "Wildlife Aid" not "Baby Swan Murderers." He's trying to help!

You know what, swan? You're not mad at Simon Cowell here. You're mad at yourself. Take a step back, look deeply into yourself, and I think you'll find that I'm right.

But, you know what, swan? It's not your fault. You're the victim of an aggressive and brutal cycle of violence in nature. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Look at me, swan. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. 

It's not your fault.  

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

5K

$
0
0

A 5K (or 5K run) is an endurance race that sounds impressive to anyone unfamiliar with the metric system.

Muffin

$
0
0

A muffin is an excuse to have a cupcake for breakfast.


Yacht

$
0
0

A yacht is the easiest way to identify the villain in a movie. And in real life. 

Apple Watch

$
0
0

The Apple Watch is a watch that can replace the iPhone that replaced your watch.

Dallas Cowboys

$
0
0

The Dallas Cowboys are a professional football team commonly referred to as "America's Team" because despite having the most money they are still consistently mediocre.

Burlesque dancer

$
0
0

A burlesque dancer is a stripper who knows her dad.

Zoo

$
0
0

A zoo is a facility responsible for keeping endangered animals in their natural state of feebly and desperately clinging to life. 

Map

$
0
0

A map is a schematic representation of an area you are lost in.

Restaurant closes down after owner gets sick of rude and picky diners.

$
0
0


So, when will you be open again?

The owner and chef of the Chinese restaurant SO in San Francisco has had it with picky eaters, so much so that he'd just rather not open up for business anymore. We all know how much more annoying people are becoming at restaurants these days, and as with so many trends, San Francisco is at the leading edge of complaining about the presence of gluten or absence of organic options on the menu on a place known for its "killer wings, noodles, and dumplings." According to Eater, who interviewed an employee of the restaurant, the chef closed shop after a table wouldn't pay because their food was "too spicy" and a different customer swore at him. But clearly, according to this sign, he also has some longstanding issues with persnickety diners and their up-to-the-minute needs, and this was the last straw.

"He needed to cool off. He was frustrated and stressed out," said the employee interviewed by Eater, "and he's the cook, so we can't run the restaurant without him. We closed up early, and he put up the sign." The shutdown protest only lasted until the next night, but clearly, he needed the evening off. I know annoying diners are bad (and give a bad name to people with actual allergies), but for the sake of everyone who likes authentic MSG-filled Chinese food noodle wings, you've got to stay open.

(by Johnny McNulty)


MTV Video Music Awards

$
0
0

The MTV Video Music Awards (or VMAs) is an annual reminder to be thankful MTV no longer shows music videos.

Willie Nelson

$
0
0

Willie Nelson is the Snoop Dogg of country music.

Up for nothing.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 22, 2014

$
0
0

1. Hundreds Of Thousands March Against Climate Change In NYC And Other Cities — Climate Change Declines To Comment

Four hundred thousand people—including Al Gore, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, Leonardo DiCaprio and my friend Steve something-or-other from that improv class I took a while back—took to the streets of New York City yesterday, with even more participating in metropolises worldwide, to demand that world governments begin taking more actions to halt and eventually reverse anthropogenic climate change. The People's Climate March got a decent amount of press, though Steve has not yet responded to my Facebook message about whether he was able to get my screenplay for The Departed 2 to to DiCaprio, so its overall success remains to be seen.


2. Tech-Savvy, Socially Inept Dirtbags Continue To Terrorize Hollywood With Celebrity Nude Leaks  

A second wave of stolen nude celebrity photos began leaking onto the Internet over the weekend, with big-name personalities such as Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Hudgens being added to the list of violated women. On top of that, a website called EmmaYouAreNext.com—featuring a countdown clock that will run out in four days—went live shortly after actress Emma Watson delivered a speech on feminism and women's rights at the United Nations, just in case you were wondering if these leaks had a socio-political component to them:


3. Colin Farrell To Slip Into Matthew McConaughey's Flat Circle For Second Season Of 'True Detective'

Irish actor Colin Farrell has confirmed that he will be taking a lead role in the highly anticipated second season of HBO's True Detective, although it still remains to be seen whether he will be playing the Yellow King himself or simply a lower-level Cthulhu.


4. Someone Has Finally Started A Charity To Keep Our Brave Veterans Stoned Out Of Their Minds

Hundreds of U.S. military veterans in Colorado were given free marijuana over the weekend at an event called the Denver Cannibis Giveaway. "Our mission is to offer veterans a safe alternative to the dangerous prescription drugs that they're prescribed to deal with PTSD, TBI, chronic pain, and all sorts of other ailments," a representative of Operation Grow4Vets told CBS News.


5. Leonard Cohen Is Giving Himself The Gift Of 'F**k It' For His 80th Birthday

Singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen has announced that he is re-taking up his beloved smoking habit—something he reluctantly gave up in his 50s—now that he is entering his ninth decade of life. "I’m looking forward to that first smoke. I’ve been thinking about that for thirty years," the 80-year-old told the San Francisco Chronicle.  "It’s one of the few consistent strings of thoughts I’ve been able to locate."


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This is how you let the owner of a Corvette know he's the worst.

$
0
0


What a dick. (Via

Sometimes you just can't tell if you're a self-important dick. One clear indicator is if you bought a shiny white Corvette, and then parked it like like this.

An even better indicator is to return to your narcissistically parked penis-replacement to find it like this:


Justice is served. (Via)

Redditor AnotherCJMajor is the driver of the mud-splattered Jeep, and is ready to defend against all zombie outbreaks or any instances of people buying shiny white Corvettes and then parking them like dicks. According to his testimony, AnotherCJMajor witnessed the selfish parking job, climbed over the curb, and then pulled alongside the offensive vehicle closer than two sisters sharing secrets. Then in an effort to make sure only the Corvette's owner was disturbed, moved his car the second said Corvette dick drove away. 

Like a cowboy riding off into the sunset, I assume our renegade hero took the Newark exit, where he undoubtably will find many more assholes to vanquish. 

(by Myka Fox)

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images