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A huge Philly-area traffic jam got turned into an amazing limbo party.

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How will she make it under that limbo stick?

As all commuters are well aware, "Traffic" is fierce and powerful deity who from time to time choses to smite His people to entertain Himself, just as he did over the weekend to several thousand wretched commuters on the Schuylkill Expressway outside of Philadelphia. It is often thought that when this happens, there is naught to do but sit patiently in your car and await Traffic to take His vengeance elsewhere.

This is not the full truth. Should you happen to have a steel band—such as the Trinidad North Steel Drum Band & Company—at your disposal, as these commuters did, then you may bid them to leave the confines of their van to play joyous calypso music, such that the commuters may satiate the angry god Traffic with their blithe and soulful limbo dance moves. 

This is called the Alright, Let's Get Things Moving Again Already Dance, and it is a very ancient and spiritual ritual:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


The triggers on these animal-shaped water guns look a lot like penises.

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Wieners and tigers and bears, oh my! (via)

From a usage perspective, I can see why some innocent-minded toy designer would choose to put the trigger there. I totally get it. But I find it really hard to believe that there wasn't somebody in the room who was willing to stand up and point out the obvious. The obvious being that the trigger on these water guns look like wild animal dicks. (We're all on the same page with the penis triggers, right? Okay, just checking.)

So, I guess that leaves us with two options: 1) somebody did point it out, and then they decided to go with the bear and tiger wang design anyway, or 2) they wanted bear and tiger wangs to begin with. It's been a long time since I had to buy children's toys, so I don't know. Is that what the kids are into these days?

The wonderful thing about triggers is triggers are wonderful things! (via)

My biggest concern, really, is that these toys are going to teach children the wrong lessons about pressing on that part of a wild animal's anatomy.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This German Shepherd throws a tantrum when it's time for her to stop swimming.

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"I don't want to go! And I hate the name Bella!"

If you're bummed about summer coming to an end, Bella the German Shepherd can relate. When play time is over and her owner tells her she has to get out of the water, Bella throws a tantrum like an oversized 3-year-old in need of a nap. She whines, howls, and splashes in an effort to guilt her owner into letting her stay and swim. She acts so distraught you'd think she was trying to signal that she'd sniffed out a body submerged in the water, and that a murder investigation could be solved if only she could swim for five more minutes. "Dammit, I just need more time!"

I'm sure Bella's just upset about having to go home. Just to be safe, though, police may want to check out the area.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Bare minimum.

6 new contenders for the single most entertaining note ever written by a roommate.

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Passive, aggressive, and beautiful. (via)

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.

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Definitely beats a sticky note. (via)

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To err is human, to forgive is bacon.(via)

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Looks like we need bananas... and paper.(via)

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Shitty poetry.(via)

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On the other hand, brownies!(via)

Updated 8.27.14


Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pops.(via)

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And look for an apartment like you live with a psycho.(via)

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Typical delicious/aggressive behavior.(via)

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A few more letters and it would've been done, dick. (via)

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Fucking love you too, Dad.(via)

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Thanks for the "$5.00," Colleen! (via)

Updated 8.27.14


A stoner roommate could read that the wrong way.(via)

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Impressive, if he actually reached the milk.(via)



Why, when there's a perfectly usable sheet left?(via)



Too good to be mad about. Unless it's not head hair.(via)



Hope he likes cold pizza. (via)


That looks oddly delicious. Also, "honeys" count as roommates when they act like this.

(via)

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The artist couldn't sign his work due to a broken hand. (via)


My instincts tell me that was no accident.(via)

Or, you could've just written "pay bills."(via)

A sign that you're probably too old to have roommates.(via)

"I could change the roll, or take out my phone and..."(via)

It's impossible to read that without hearing his voice. (via)

Updated 6.05.14


It's the thought that counts.(via)


Thanks for the pancakes, Mr. Pinkman.(via)


The man in the mirror is a huge dick.(via)


Yep, that says "puke."(via)


Even his notes stink. (via)


First line of the worst porno ever. (via)

Updated 5.05.14
 


Mistakes are life's tasty lessons. (via)


"Why yes, toilet paper roll, I -- dammit!" (via)


The old "How to Get Your New Roommate Naked with a Spider Note" trick.(via)


"Ew, ew, Captain."(via)


Good luck with that auto-erotic asphyxiation.(via)


TL;DR already packing my stuff.(via)

Updated 4/04/14


I guess the short answer is "maybe?" (via)


Great weed. Bad idea.(via)


You would, dick head.(via)


"Who's been slut-shaming my soda?" (via)


How many ways are there to use a plunger, Kevin? (via)


I've always wondered how to play craps. (via)

Updated 3/08/14


I bet this guy is high maintenance. (via


If a sock means "sex," I don't want to know what this is for.(via)

 


I've had roommates that would see this and think "pan roasted dove!"(via)

 


This message is probably more for the guys.(via)

 


Smart Water for a smart ass.(via)

 


How a true butthole pays his rent. (via)

Updated 1/08/14


Given a choice, I'd rather eat pizza that the cats nibbled on. (via)

 


Things can't be that bad if you're still getting wi-fi. (via)

 


If these get eaten it's time for a new roommate. (via)

 


Not bad, but it may get confusing when you try to store poops. (via)

 


It that's where they keep the milk, tossing it might not be a bad idea. (via)

 


Not cool. But at least you get to eat the Pixie Sticks. (via)

Updated 12/11/13:


Ouch. You just got out passive-aggressioned.


Um...are there drugs in it?

 


In this case, honesty is the weirdest policy.

 


Pretty nice of them to capture it, actually.

 


They don't. Someecards probably does, though.

 


No smiley face, Cindy?

Updated 11/13/13:


Also, boyfriends are like dirty clothes; don't leave yours on the floor.

 


"I feel more comfortable complaining about the notes by note."

 


I'm impressed it responds to anything at all.

 


Great method for dealing with lazy ant roommates.

 


Then I have to get my shit together enough to actually clean it. Two-three weeks?

 


Pretty cheap for either.

Updated 10/15/13:


You don't need to have roommates for this to be a terrific idea.

 


The most considerate possible reaction to finding your roommate peed all over the floor.

 


Seems like a much, much grosser solution than just flushing.

 


The spider was in the midst of writing his own tiny note:
"Got stuck in god damn cereal today...fuck."

 


Because pooping just isn't exciting enough.

 


Chris may be going to the gay club, but he likes boobs, you understand?

Updated 9/17/13:


Not sure that post-script was necessary.

 


Hunter, live up to your name!



Better than: "Give a call or you might see a ball."



He died as he lived: with power tools.



But evidently not magnetic poetry.



Yeah right, like anyone's gonna steal a Lean Pocket over a French bread pizza.

Updated 8/16/13:


With the cost of avocados today, that's only about a quarter for your trouble.

 


Please clean up your insects after yourself.

 


Ooh, burned by a white board meme.

 


Also I prefer to be called Reginald, thanks.

 


Now that's just common disgusting courtesy.

 


It's worth it! It's stifling in here!

Updated 7/22/13:


We wouldn't want to be part of such a hairy roommate arrangement.

 


Why write 3 separate notes when all your issues can be encompassed in one?

 



Beware. The spiders have their own tally.

 


Monday night is trashnacht.

 


Clint starts fires!



As far as we're concerned, as long as his penis only touched the outside, it's still good.

Updated 6/20/13:


Wait. We have a cat?

 


And bread and to come to terms with our parents' divorce.

 


We'd honestly prefer this type of sign to be set up on all tp-less toilets.

 


4. Have craziest night ever!

 


It's the number for his Murderers Anonymous group.

 


No matter how bad they are, we still want one.

 

Updated 5/24/13:


Unfortunately, that stuff looks like what's been on CNN every day.

 


"FapNapping" needs no translation.

 


So, I'll just leave the knives there...and this note you can't read in the dark.

 


We'd rather be hunted by teens than chase a spider.

 


Sorry. Cat available for petting trumps human in need of sleeping.

 


We stopped trusting you when you left us something to flush.

 

Updated 4/23/13:


This could work out really well for the boyfriend.

 


Aim for the head.

 


How does the artist know the shitter is jubilant?

 


Like that Al Pacino movie "Insomnia," except with smellier fingers.

 


She has loud sex that she has to apologize for AND access to cinnamon rolls? Want her life.

 


Doing dishes sucks. We'll take the cocks.

 

Updated 3/18/13:


Just do it, no matter what "it" may be.

 


Also enrolled you in a scientology course, hope that's cool!

 


No one is more concerned about Susie collecting cat piss than the cat.

 


Not going to try and prove you wrong.

 


Joe already gives his teeth Flintstone chewables. He shouldn't be doubling up.

 


Many roommates have lost themselves in the endless piss-seat loop.

 


Ben Kingsley was excellent in this kitchen.

 

Updated 2/8/13:


This is considerate, and it doesn't judge those who do want such things.

 


Who can keep from passing out long enough for a hot pocket to cook?

 


The roommate is staring at that last sip, checking his watch, waiting...waiting...

 


How can we add "or when you're awake" to the deal?

 


8:40, or, if you're into it, 8:45. Whatever works for you. I'm not a "rules" guy. Oops, vomiting.

 


Lease plainly states, "Write your 30 days notice on some cardboard before moving out."

 

Updated 1/14/13:


Jeff is bad at bribes.

 


11) No asking why I am this way. Just know that I have been hurt before and it won't happen again.

 


Raisin Bran tastes so much better carbonated.

 


High people tell the worst stories.

 


No wonder Michael's catch-phrase is "I prefer to stand."

 


Seems legit.

 


Thank God "Peanut butter 4 my balls" wasn't included in "Sandwich Stuff."

 

Updated 12/5/12:


I think you're confusing your your Sammy LJ roles but the point still stands.

 


Average male-female rooming ratio: 80% of the fridge belongs to female, 80% consumed by male.
 


Does her/his roommate only have one fork? That might be the larger problem.
 


That means you, Alex. I'm saving this spider for when I get up in the morning!!!
 


Let's just hope that there is an emergency and this person's life is improved by cleansing fire.

 


Thank you, Jay. Jaq? Jag? The point is, what a polite note of depravity.
 


Prophet Eric earlier prophesied a wrathful plague of deleted DVR episodes, and verily 'twas true.
 


And it was then Chris realized the Boyz would never advance 2 Men.
 

Posted 11/14/12:


Everyone spent the next few days walking very gingerly around the apartment.

 


And you thought younger generations don't send thank you notes anymore.

 


And from then on, Sajid would never wear underwear ever again.

 


T.J really likes to sleep if the main issue with someone peeing on the floor is the noise it makes.

 


Thanks Brendon. Enjoy...um..."Fagtown?"

 


Use the wings you've been given to fly far away by the end of the month.

 

Updated 10/8/12:

 

Nothing tears apart an apartment share like a baked good suicide.

 


If you have time to learn to read and write in English, you have time to clean your own puke.

 


Cockjuggling used to be big before Puppetry Of The Penis swept the nation.

 


He seems like a good listener.

 


Trickle down government is trickling really far.

 


In our day a sock on the door handle meant "I Hope You Die" but we were classier then.

 


Guess "All Of The Above" is fair game then?

 


Sad thing is the cashier at CPK wrote that.

 

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Lazy gazing.

Broke even.

Cleveland Browns

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The Cleveland Browns are the Cleveland of football.


Dancing with the Stars

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Dancing with the Stars is an American game show for ex-celebrities who want to be back in the spotlight but are too shy to leak a sex tape.

Entire kids' football team fails to break paper banner when running onto the field.

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And thus the long rivalry between the Wallkill Mighty Mites and trees began.

The Wallkill Mighty Mites may be a force to be reckoned with on the field (they won their home opener 27-0), but they face some major challenges when it comes to running onto the field. These kids may only be 6 and 7, but they tried to make a big-league-style entrance by bursting through a paper banner. Clearly, it never occurred to the adults (for whom paper usually rips like...paper) that this is a much more difficult challenge when you only weigh a few dozen pounds, just like it never occurred to them how easy it would be to accidentally create an embarrassing memory that would last online forever. It's not a total loss, however—eventually, through sheer weight of numbers, they got the banner on the ground and pinned it. 

(by Johnny McNulty)

Eat it.

Quiz: Happy Place's Guide To Whether Someone's Third Boob Is Real Or Fake.

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You've spend the last 24 hours staring at Jasmine Tridevil's third boob. You've sent pictures of it to your friends, you've spent hours replaying the video, you've even queued up that scene from Total Recall and then taken a nap. But you still can't tell: is her third boob real, or is she just milking it for the attention?

Here's a handy quiz to help you determine if anyone's third breast is real, not just Ms. Tridevil's. With these tools, you'll be ready to verify third boobs anywhere on Earth, any day of the week. 

1. They absentmindedly pick off and eat their third nipple. Y/N 

2. Their surgeon is willing to take credit for performing the very first third boob surgery. Y/N 

3. They bear a striking resemblance to someone who has been charged with "fraudulent use of personal information." Y/N

4. This person is of course from fucking Florida. Y/N

5. They refuse to show reporters an extended look at their third boob because it would spoil an episode of their reality show that does not yet exist. Y/N

6. They still refer to their breasts as "twins" instead of "triplets." Y/N

7. They bear a striking resemblance to a massage therapist whose website claims that one of her services is "providing Internet hoaxes since 2014." Y/N 

8. Their breasts appear to be a different skin tone from their face and limbs. Y/N

9. This person has claimed that their third boob makes them unattractive to men. Y/N

10. Their Twitter account is only a few days older than their most recent boob. Y/N 

11. There are pictures of the third boob taken by a third party. Y/N 

12. Someone else anywhere or at any time confirmed that the third boob is real. Y/N

13. They have a third boob. Y/N 

Scoring the quiz: 

If you answered "yes" to the last question, the third boob is not real.

Michelangelo’s David

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Michelangelo’sDavid is the textbook example of how muscular a dude needs to be to compensate for a small dick.

Art

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Art is what people who aren't willing to be of value to society do with their free time.

High school boys wear skirts to school to support trans classmate.

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Everyone in Brazil has great legs. (via)

Now that the World Cup is behind us, it's easy to forget that Brazil exists. But it does! And things are still happening there. 

For example, students at Colegio Pedro II in Rio de Janeiro got together to support a trans student facing discrimination from the school's administration. When Maria Muniz, 17, wore a skirt to school, she thought of the action as a way of coming out to her fellow classmates as a girl. But her teachers were not supportive; they fined her and told her to wear pants from then on. 

The school's dress code allows female students to wear either skirts or pants, but male students are only allowed to wear pants. 


(via)

In response, Maria's classmates, both boys and girls, decided to wear skirts to school to show their support. They used the hashtag #VoudeSaia, which means "wearing a skirt," to spread the word.

The school was forced to reverse their decision about fining Maria, and Orange News reports the school principal will consider relaxing the rules about uniforms. The principal, who seems exceptionally understanding, said, "The sexual orientation is not important for us, all our students are equal. However, the uniform determines male and female clothing, but we will study a new manual of coexistence." 

We could all use a new manual of coexistence, no?

(by Shira Rachel Danan)


Two legit.

Steve-O taunts hackers with nude pics, challenges them to come find his junk.

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He's not the ally that anyone asked for, but he's the ally that we've got.

Steve-O is either doing something admirable or something kind of stupid and insulting, or more likely, he's doing both. Steve-O has launched a new social media campaign called #HackSteveO that is aimed at taunting hackers into breaking into his iCloud to find his dick pics. On the one hand, this is a show of solidarity with the women hacked in the CelebGate hacking scandal and he's trying to spoil the fun for the hackers by presenting them with a target that they can't upset. On the other hand...

Steve-O is obviously best known as perhaps the most reckless of the Jackass members, yet since becoming sober and getting some mental health treatment in 2008, he's tried to be more of a comedian than just a stuntman (although his comedy tour did end every show with him lighting his head on fire and another guy spitting lamp oil on it). He's involved himself in animal rights issues (he was wanted by the police for defacing a SeaWorld road sign), but maybe he's ready now to jump into the middle of human issues, like the celebrity hacking scandal.

To be fair, it takes a Jackass mentality to purposefully taunt the pathetic and angry little cretins behind these attacks and the threatened upcoming attack on Emma Watson. Maybe Steve-O is the ally that women really need in the fight against online misogyny. He's a pretty hard target for basement-dwellers to dismiss as a SJW feminazi. Granted, you might say that his attitude is minimizing the hurt that was inflicted on the women who were targeted (apparently, male celebs are in a hurry to delete their pictures before someone inevitably gets curious), but I think that this is just as sincere as Steve-O can allow himself to sound. I think Steve-O is trying to stand with those affected, although they may not want to stand too close.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Watch this father slowly inform his sons that he's won $2.1 million in the lottery.

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F*ck it, we're rich.

This lucky Danish dad got to live out the dream most of us have had at one time or another. Everyone who has toiled away at some crap job has no doubt spent at least some time thinking about hitting the lottery and how they'd react. Quitting your job with a succinct "f*ck it, I quit" is a no-brainer that tops most everyone's list in some fashion, but informing your family would be the most fun part. This guy made the most of it with a slow reveal to his sons that their lives were about to change in a big way.

The slow build-up was a good way to keep them from completely losing their minds. But seeing how dad is throwing around money like 2 Chainz at a strip club celebrating Drake's birthday, it's the kids that should be worried about him.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 23, 2014

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1. Consumers So Happy To Finally Get The Car-Door-Sized iPhone They Always Wanted

According to Apple, the tech company has already sold 10 million units of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus, just three days after it went on sale. This is a record for the company, which only sold a measly 9 million units of the iPhone 5S and 5C to the exact same people a year ago.


2. Rockefellers Getting Out Of The Oil Business, Which Probably Means We're About Three Weeks From Some 'Mad Max' Shit

The Rockefeller Brothers Fund—a philanthropic organization led by the extremely wealthy Rockefeller family, which made a great deal of its vast fortune in the oil business—announced Monday that it would be divesting from all companies related to fossil fuels. "We are quite convinced that if [John D. Rockefeller] were alive today, as an astute businessman looking out to the future, he would be moving out of fossil fuels and investing in clean, renewable energy," explained fund president Stephen Heintz, who clearly knows something that the rest of us don't. Move all your money from oil to shotguns, people!


3. Paula Deen Brings Her Enormous, Terrifying Smile Back To 'The Today Show'

Celebrity chef Paula Deen hauled her oppressively large and thoroughly unconvincing smile onto the Today Show today, just a little more than a year after she last spoke with the show's host Matt Lauer about the bigotry transgressions that nearly derailed her life's work giving obese people heart diseases. Speaking of that appearance, she said, "That was a woman in trauma, I would say in shock, trying to understand what happened. And you know the cold, hard fact, Matt is, I probably should not have been here. I probably should have been at home, maybe even under the care of a doctor."


4. Scientists Discover An Actual Crocoduck Just To Spite Kirk Cameron

It took them about seven years, but evolutionary scientists have finally managed to find the "crocoduck" that creationists Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort infamously trotted out as evidence against evolution, based upon its apparent lack of existence. The newly discovered Spinosaurus was a 50-foot dinosaur that had features similar both both crocodiles and water fowl, making it an actual, real-life crocoduck. Just think of all those evolutionists who made fun of Cameron when he discussed this creature seven years ago, calling it absurd. They must feel pretty stupid now.  

 


5. Pink Floyd To Release Their First Album Since Before You Were Allowed To Drink

Legendary psychedelic groove band Pink Floyd just released the cover art for The Endless River, the band's first album since 1994's The Division Bell. The image of a man steering a boat across a sea of clouds seems perfectly designed for dorm room walls all across the world.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This excited stingray jumps on a ramp to be first in line for food

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Here, fishy fishy!

This family vacationing in the Maldives got a close encounter of the stingray kind while they were trying to feed chum to some fish. This cartilaginous water-dweller is closely related to a shark, but behaves like a puppy begging for a ball when it climbs up onto the ramp and flaps around for attention. 

Even though stingrays have barbed stingers, they are only on the tail and used exclusively for self-defense, so it is perfectly safe for the stingray to say "hi" to the family and even steal a few cuddles before slipping back under the water. 

His visit is also rewarded with some of that chum, and the man knows that to feed his new friend he must reach under to the waiting mouth on the bottom of the ray. I'm pretty sure I heard a burp at 0:37.

Good boy, stringray!

(by Myka Fox)

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