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This dog attacks the cat whenever the ice dispenser is used.

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This cat must hate Margarita Night.

Would it kill this guy to drink room temperature water? That's the question the cat must be asking, because Sophie the dog goes after him whenever the owner uses the ice machine. Maybe the dog loves eating ice cubes and sees the cat as potential competition for the chilly treats. Maybe when Sophie was a puppy, her owner played "Ice Ice Baby" on repeat and the mere thought of it drives her into homicidal rage mode. Either way, Sophie's behavior is not cool, and she needs to chill the F out.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


CNN tried to pretend two of its anchors weren't standing right next to each other...again.

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And we don't talk to each other...even though we're sitting next to each other.
(via redditor Dianysus)

Dude, CNN. I know you're always trying to get younger viewers (you'll never get the old ones away from Fox), but maybe you're aiming too low if you think your audience isn't old enough yet to realize that these two background images are from the same location with slightly different color filters. 

Specifically, it seems like you think that we're all too dumb to realize that Christiane Amanpour and Wolf Blitzer are standing about 10 feet from each other in front of the United Nations. Actually, it looks like Amanpour is really to Wolf's right, and you've reversed the shots on screen. This is especially insulting because I'm pretty sure they're both talking about the President's speech at the UN today regarding ISIS. They literally could just have turned and talked to each other.

I mean, what's next, are you going to hide an anchor's face behind something and then pretend he's teleporting into the room? Don't answer that, because I've seen your holograms. You do realize that we, your audience, possess the power of object permanence, right? You're not going to start announcing that the President has "been kidnapped" any time he walks off camera, are you? 

I'm sorry to be such a jerk about this, but this ISN'T EVEN THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE PULLED THIS:


They at least had a chance of pulling this one off before traffic ruined it.

Thank you, CNN, for once again putting the "news" in "what the hell has happened to the news?"

(by Johnny McNulty)

Here's 150 adorable baby turtles scrambling into the seas for the first time.

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A traditional turtle-carrying plastic bowl.

Ah, to be young and a turtle. To claw your way forth from the egg in which you spent the past several weeks gestating and then emerge into the bright sun of a Malaysian beach. To scramble furiously on newly developed flippers toward the ocean waters off Lankayan Island in which you will one day grow to full maturity.

Really brings you back, doesn't it? I mean, assuming you're a turtle.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Ridiculous, stereotype-filled new Lifetime show "Girlfriend Intervention" receives hilarious mockery.

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These women might not have an inner black woman busting out.

Lifetime has a new show, Girlfriend Intervention, which claims to take "BW"s ("Basic Women", read: WHITE) and give them a black mind and body makeover because, in their current white status, they are a "red hot mess." As it is summed up in the tagline: "Trapped inside every white woman is a strong black woman ready to bust out." (Video below.)

Putting aside the humor that I hope Lifetime intended, this tag line is easily insulting to women of both races. Plus, it begs the question, where the hell are the black women inside Asians and Latinas?

Nevertheless, the show has produced four Fairy Blackmothers (or whatever the fuck they call themselves) to help these tragic white women in the areas of home, style, beauty, and soul. This is obviously modeled after Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but it doesn't acknowledge that inspiration in the title, probably because calling it Black Eye for the White Woman doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same way.

Phoebe Robinson's YouTube video, The Intervention, bears the description, "After watching Lifetime's new show, Jessica & Phoebe are inspired to help the white women of New York." But, what is really meant is, "After watching Lifetime's new show, Jessica & Phoebe are horrified that something like this could make it onto television and are inspired to point out how bizarre and racist it is by bringing it's theories into the real world."

As Robinson told me in an interview, she and Jessica Williams went into white girl mecca of Union Square Park in NYC to conduct their own ridiculous interventions as a way to highlight how "the show is racist and offensive to white people because it [portrays] white women as lame and boring and a broken down mess when these ladies are pretty normal, and then racist to black women because it plays on that magical negro stereotype that we're just there to teach white women how to be fabulous. Plus the sassy thing is ridiculous."

We get to see the promo for the Lifetime show at the beginning; Williams and Robinson come in around the 1:20 mark.

Robinson told me that Lifetime was trying to get more black viewers to their network, which was the inspiration behind the show. Of course, perpetuating racist stereotypes may not be a good way to go about it. Instead, Robinson suggests, "just cast talented black women in TV shows and movies and black audiences will show up."

And white women, don't worry, there's no such thing as "putting on headphones like a black girl."

I asked.

(by Myka Fox)

Kid accidentally makes public service video about why you shouldn't over-inflate basketballs.

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It didn't blow up, he just passed it to a ghost.

That ball does bounce pretty high. Why doesn't the NBA do this? They totally should, it would be so cool if they were running around with super bouncy balls like it's Space Jam. They'd be all like "whoosh," and "boing," and "at the three point line, it's—AAAHHAHAHAHAHAH."


If that wasn't your response to this video, congratulations, you've become an adult. I'm sorry. If you're not fully out of Peter Pan magic, however, enjoy this weird remixed song made from the audio on this video (h/t Digg):

(by Johnny McNulty)

Carson Daly

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Carson Daly is an American Television host when Ryan Seacrest says "No."

This Canadian postal worker had a perfectly acceptable excuse for not delivering a package.

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Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet... but yes to huge ferocious animals.

The only problem I have with this official Canadian postal form—which was brought to our attention by @OldUnclePunch—and its the reason the guy put down for not delivering the package is the lack of specificity. 

"Bear at door." What does that mean precisely? Was there a bear chilling on the front porch? Did he ring the bell and have a bear answer the door in a bear-sized apron? If so, what did it smell like the bear was baking? Was it a honey cake or some berry muffins? Or was it maybe, like, a salmon soufflé? And how the hell is a bear managing to pull of a soufflé without opposable thumbs? 

Really, we need more information! 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Bad mix.


Two goth teens made a video looking back at 2009, and it's the best thing you'll see in 2014.

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Long before other white girls said "I can't even," these two simply wouldn't even.

Tara and Raven Acidbath (yes, Tara and Raven Acidbath) have some opinions about 2009, and those opinions just resurfaced today for 2014 to enjoy. Turns out, 2009 sucked. So did (and do) preps, haters, and jocks. We're with you so far, T&R! Fortunately, MCR (My Chemical Romance) was there to save the day, and also a new Hot Topic at the mall. Of course, who knows why all these idiots are celebrating a "new year," anyway. It's just a new opportunity TO DIE, right?

What's the over/under on this being a really well-done satire piece? Right now, I think the Acidbaths are totally legitimate, but at the same time, their video reaches such perfect levels of teenage awkwardness and teenage arrogance that it can only be described as poetry. I mean, look at the video's description:


Ten bucks says they already hate the Hot Topic at the mall now b/c it "sold out."

These are some Christopher Guest-level character performances here. Or it's real. It's probably real, and unlike all the other goth stuff Tara and Raven mentioned, that thought is terrifying. I hope they had a better 2010 to 2014 when it came to dealing with haters—those YouTube trolls suck. I can, however, say with confidence that these two have a very nice MySpace page. You can check out more of their videos on YouTube, although it might just be quicker to watch old SNL "Goth Talk" sketches.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Plastic surgery

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Plastic surgery is a type of surgery used to transform unattractive people into weird looking people.

Congrats, suckers! If you bought an iPhone 6, don't ever put it in your pocket.

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It's not very bent now, but at only 5.5", any curve will make it feel much shorter.
(via Cachy's Blog)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. ha. haha. ha. Heh. Anyway. Did you just buy a new iPhone 6 Plus? You can do a lot with those things, like program it to scream if you drop it, but I hope you weren't planning on putting it in a pocket. I know lots of people have made jokes about how hard it is to fit the Plus in a pocket, but let's get real for a second: it will bend.

It's a long, flat piece of metal (specifically, bendy aluminum), and both your front pockets and your back pockets are located at the spot at which your whole body bends. In conclusion, you're going to break your phone.

Now, the first photos to emerge about this problem may not seem like that big a deal yet, but let's keep in mind that this is still only week one. If this is already happening, then by next week we'll find out that they accidentally sever ears or something. This problem is starting to crop up on forums like MacRumors, the French site MacBidouille, and German blogs, and the problem is always the same: someone had their phone in their pocket for a long time, and when it came out, it was bent.


Before you ask, yes, it's bent up in the middle.

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This isn't their covert way of testing flexible screens, is it?

And those examples were both FRONT pockets. Anyone who has experience with pockets can tell you that the front pocket is the easy pocket. The JV pocket. The beginner's pocket. What happens to iPhones that are exposed to the full might of the American ass? Will there even be anything left?

Meanwhile, the only problem my gigantic Samsung Galaxy has is that I have no friends and no one talks to me. Suckers!

(by Johnny McNulty)

Flex plan.

IKEA

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IKEA is a Swedish puzzle manufacturer.

John Malkovich is Che Guevara, Muhammad Ali and Marilyn Monroe in these strangely brilliant recreations of famous photos.

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The iconic star of Some Like It Malkovich and The Seven Year
Malkovich smoldered with an almost malkovichian sensuality.

Though you may not be aware of its existence, there is another universe that runs just beside our own. This parallel reality touches our own at precisely one point: John Malkovich. For in this other—some say more perfect, others more dramatically intense, certainly more Malkovichian—universe, everyone is John Malkovich. You, your loved ones, even your dog — all John Malkovich.

Photographer Sandro Miller's new photo series Malkovich, Malkovich Malkovichin which the celebrated thespian of stage and screen helps recreate the classic photographs of our ageprovides our first window into this strange Malkovichian existence:

The Argentine Malkovist revolutionary strikes a thoroughly Malkovichian pose.

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The dark and twisted mind behind such classic films as Malk
by Malkwest
and Psychovich stands with a goose cadaver.

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The World Malkovich Champion made a lot of enemies after converting to Malkslam and changing his name from John Malkovich to John Malkovich.

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This stunning photograph of a down-on-her-Malkovich
mother became an emblem of Malkovich-era Malkovich.

So much more John Malkovich can be found here.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Girl interrupted.


Religiously Out Of Office.

Here's the only logical solution for when your office refuses to modernize.

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1985 called, it wants its phone back. (Via Imgur)

Redditor grindinghalt posted today that he begged his office to take down this "non-operating antiquated piece of equipment," but they refused. So he did what he said was the only logical thing: create a placard for it as though it were a museum exhibit. 

It's hard to say why he wanted it gone so badly. Maybe he's worried the "communicable diseases" still linger. Maybe he is reminded of the hours spent waiting to make plans only to miss a call in the mere minutes he walked away to use the restroom. Maybe he's the kind of person who was first on line at the Apple store and subsequently the first to bend his iPhone 6

Whatever bothers him so much about it, grindinghalt says that his office is not leaving it up for nostalgia, they just don't want to fix the wall once it's removed. 

It's not like they would have to fix the wall though, surely someone would come along and put a placard over it. 

(by Myka Fox)

Man pranks complete strangers into thinking their phone has received a notification.

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I'm just surprised these three weren't holding their phones to begin with.

They say that many amputees have Phantom Limb Syndrome, the sensation that they can still "feel" their detached limbs as though they were still there. The mind is wired so strongly to having that limb, it cannot conceive of its non-existence.

The people at YouTube's whatever channel similarly toys with the minds of unsuspecting strangers when a man surreptitiously plays the notification sound as he walks by unsuspecting strangers. Everyone scrambles to check what happened to their own detached limbs — their cell phones. It's a sinister display of our modern-era Pavlovian response: hear the sound, check the phone.

I checked my phone five times while watching this, and I keep it on vibrate. 

(by Myka Fox)

A boy has an intense debate about the weather with twin girls.

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Opinions expressed do not represent the views of Happy Place.

On this episode of Blonde Toddler Crossfire, the issue of precipitation is discussed. Specifically, whether the water falling from the sky that morning should be considered rain, or merely sprinkles. On the left, the young blonde boy says it was "spwinkwing," and firmly believes that his source (mom), would never knowingly give him bad information. On the right, the twin blonde girls say it was "wain," and accuse him of downplaying the seriousness of the situation.

As is often the case when debating serious issues, passions get heated, people get poked, and a few tears are shed. And in the end, absolutely nothing is accomplished.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 25, 2014

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1. Rob Schneider Proves He Understands The First Amendment About As Well As He Understands Vaccinations

Shortly after being dropped from a State Farm ad campaign due to his public anti-vaccination stance, comedian Rob Schneider expressed his dismay with the insurance company's decision, quoting George Washington in a tweet, "If the Freedom of Speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter," which would almost seem smart if Washington were talking about insurance company ad departments instead of governments.


2. Lindsay Lohan Does Not Disappoint In London Stage Review — Blows Her Lines Right On Cue

Actress Lindsay Lohan gave a singularly Lindsay Lohan-esque performance during her first night on a London stage, performing in David Mamet's Speed the Plow. Multiple times throughout the play, she forgot her lines and had to rely on stagehands shouting them to her from offstage. However, she neither left the stage midway through the show to down a bottle of gin nor got into a fistfight with any of her fellow actors, so the show has been considered a smashing success. 


3. Woman Who Is About To Lose Lawsuit Suing 'Frozen' For Stealing Her Life

A Peruvian author is suing Disney for $250 million, claiming that its smash hit movie Frozen—about a princess who who grows up with magical powers that she is unable to control and then runs off to an ice palace on a faraway mountain top—stole its story from her autobiography about a woman who grows up in the Andes and survives an earthquake. You see? The two stories have characters growing up, and there's a mountain in both. I wonder how she's going to spend her $250 million.


4. Maniacal Dictator Vladimir Putin Tired Of Being Portrayed As Maniacal Dictator In Hollywood Films

Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly considering banning his citizens from watching films made in the U.S. because he is tired of them portraying Russia as a freedomless land led by cruel dictators.


5. The Mystery Of The Mystery Dum-Dum Lollipop Is No Longer Mysterious 

For millennia, humanity has puzzled over one mystery that seemed as though it would never be solved: what exactly is the flavor of that Mystery Dum-Dum lollipop with the question mark on its wrapper? Now, thanks to the tireless efforts of Mental Floss, we have our answer. It's whatever flavor was in the lollipop-making machine mixed with the flavor of the new stuff that was just poured. Rather than throw the hybrid lollipops away, they just market them as a mystery. So, really, I suppose the flavor is laziness.  


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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