Disciplined writer.
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Comcast issues creepy, dystopian statement about Americans submitting to them through silence.
When is David L. Cohen going to unzip his face and reveal his true alien face, already?
Uhhhhhh. That's not how it works, Comcast. First of all, you tell us that we "concede" to your logic about why you doubling in size is good. Through our silence. How can a commenter be silent? You're saying that 3.7 million comments filed with the FCC regarding the Comcast-Time Warner Cable merger is "silence"? That, by the way, is the all-time record for comments about anything for the FCC, shattering the record of 1.4 million complaints when Janet Jackson's boob fell out at the Super Bowl. I'm sorry the other 310 million Americans failed to pipe up loudly enough. Secondly, no one writes the FCC to express their wholehearted support between a merger between literally the two most disliked companies in America. You are actually the worst. Unless you paid millions of people (or more likely, computer spambots) to submit positive comments, this simply did not happen.
"We already have no competition...so what's the problem, pipsqueaks?"
This statement, by the way, comes as Comcast gears up for the final round of FCC lobbying ahead of their decision to approve the merger. Meanwhile, Netflix, Disney, and a host of other media companies (whoever thought Disney would be the corporate good guy?) are fighting tooth and nail due to their belief that Comcast will start using its leverage to charge more and more to carry content over its networks. Only 33% of people have a choice of three or more broadband providers in their area, and 53% would change cable/broadband providers if they could.
Yes. Monopolies are always good, like when the British East India Company helped England piss off colonists so much that they rebelled and founded America.
Then, Comcast claims that people only came up with this kooky idea of an economic monopoly during the 1990s. Meanwhile, the US has been taking action against companies like this since the 1890s. This isn't a left-right issue. Breaking up monopolies and demanding competition in markets is a cornerstone of American capitalism. That's what happened to Standard Oil and Bell Telephone, a company that kept long-distance telephone rates artificially high and refused to upgrade systems unless forced to, much as Comcast (and the other big companies) charges inflated rates for some of the worst Internet service in the developed world and prevents new competitors from forming. We also used to say that distributors couldn't own the media companies making content—but then we changed that and now Comcast owns NBC. Oh yeah, Comcast is also going to limit how much Internet you're allowed to use, even at home.
The average speed in South Korea is 22mbs/sec. Twice as fast as everyone except Virginia (where the lawmakers who don't notice Comcast sucks live).
Finally, when companies like Netflix complained that Comcast was forcing them to pay more to be able to reach customers (at speeds, by the way, that were well within what Comcast promises when you sign up for their service), Comcast described their FCC complaints as "extortion." Comcast, the fact that nobody likes you and everyone points out how bad you are is not extortion. You don't care, and you're a company, so that's fine. You gotta do you, bro, and you suck.
Don't listen to this unless you are prepared to endure some rage.
Again, just to be clear, this is the company with the worst customer service in America (Time Warner is the second-worst). If you have an issue with Comcast, you only have two options: 1) Pay whatever they want and hope they don't come back for more, or 2) record your call. (If you want, you could also mail them a dildo with your returned equipment.) Frankly, that might not even do it, so record your call, send it to a blog and hope that they contact public relations. Public relations is the only way to get Comcast to fix something. Unless it's something really big, like market manipulation.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Andy Samberg's only Facebook friend is Mark Zuckerberg.
"I still don't know why I'm getting so many Farmville invites."
Last night on the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon ask Lonely Island member and former SNL pal Andy Samberg if he was on Facebook. Samberg then tells the seemingly impossible story of how he found himself in a conversation with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, and had to explain to him that he had never joined up.
Unable to deal with that reality, Zuckerberg set Samberg up with an account in the minutes Samberg had escaped to use the bathroom. To this day, as he tells Fallon, "The Zuck" is still Samberg's only FB friend.
I'm more impressed with the fact that Andy isn't on Facebook than that he is friends with Mark Zuckerberg. Can you imagine how much time he saves not engaging in the constant stream of content that gets papered to Facebook's hallowed walls? Let's discuss this further on my FB page.
(by Myka Fox)
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GMAT
The Graduate Management Admission Test (or GMAT) is a test to determine whether you'll be able to put off getting a job for a few more years.
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TL;DR Wikipedia (or "Too Long; Didn't Read" Wikipedia if you're our dad) is now on Someecards.com!
The hilarious extremely-short-form encyclopedia will be regularly updated with new entries to ensure it's the most fun you'll have while not learning anything! Want to submit your own? We'd be happy to probably hate it! Just check out tldr.someecards.com for the submission form, all the latest content, and yet another way to whittle away the hours of your horrifying workday. Thanks!
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Crash landing.
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I don't care what you think, Bill Cosby was freaking hilarious on the Colbert Report.
Don't doubt this face for a second.
Bill Cosby raised a bunch of eyebrows last night with his appearance on The Colbert Report. He begins his interview staring off into the distance like he might not know where he is, but to be sure, that stare only comes from the fact that it doesn't matter where he is, because he is there.
What we are looking at is an accomplished man who has no one to answer to, who wants to do things his way, and who wants to explore his balls joke on his own terms. Some are saying that he had the appearance of a crazy grandpa who lacked lucidity, but I saw a very measured legend whose perfect wit and timing could not be rushed by the regularly fast pacing of an interview show.
Colbert does a great job of infusing his own sense of humor while simultaneously trying to stay out of the way of what, to those with trust issues, appears to be a derailing train. In reality, Cosby is just a lateral thinker who should have never been set on tracks to begin with. Cosby clearly had his own ideas about where he wanted these jokes to go, and like water flowing over rocks, Colbert's comments only create pleasing ripples in Cosby's sideways logic.
And there is oh, so much hand-holding.
Watch Cosby's rendition of The Colbert Report theme song and see if you don't have to agree, he hasn't changed a bit.
(by Myka Fox)
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Dash cam captures two teens randomly dancing without a care, and everybody's watching.
Representin' the Dirty South (Korea).
Be careful out there, because cameras are everywhere. Too many people still naively believe their every move isn't being recorded, and they're in for a rude awakening. Like these two adorable Korean teens dancing in the street, blissfully unaware that a dash cam mounted on a car full of giggling girls was capturing their every funky move.
The clip looks like the opening scene of a dance movie called Private School Musical, about a boy who gets the cutest girl in his class to go on a date with him by dropping a particularly sweet dance move (00:15), only to have his heart broken when she tells him she's in love with a dropout from the crunky side of the street. That's when our backpack'd hero hatches a plan and challenges the boy to a dance-off. The matter is settled once and for all when he shocks everyone and wins the girl's heart with a sweet Memphis Jookin-meets-ballet routine at the prom.
Or, they just continued on to class and exchange the occasional text about typical teenage nonsense like who's the biggest bitch in school.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Backpack
A backpack is a sack that children use to carry their books to school, and adults use to carry their childhood to work.
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Not much further into the future until all my #throwbackthursday pics are just me alone at the computer.
josh hanessThu, 25 Sep 2014 15:13:27 EDTNot much further into the future until all my #throwbackthursday pics are just me alone at the computer.
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Fox hosts create the best (worst) name for female fighter pilots: "Boobs On The Ground."
More like boobs in the studio! The dumb guys, not the actual... you know what I meant.
Yeah, so, don't do that. This is such a cool story. Maj. Mariam al-Mansouri is the United Arab Emirates' first female fighter pilot, and she led the Arab country's assault against a radical Islamic terrorist group. American women have been piloting combat missions since the first Gulf War, but for this to be happening over there creates a strong narrative about the modern state (for the purposes of this media angle) fighting medieval wannabes seeking to make Iran look like San Francisco if San Francisco also had Mardi Gras. AND YOU SO ALMOST GOT THERE, UNTIL THE DUDES TALKED. First there's a driving joke, because Greg Gutfeld is apparently a 1960s Catskills comedian, and then boobs on the ground from what's-his-name because I guess he wasn't getting enough attention.
Major Mariam Al Mansouri, first female UAE's pilot who took part in the strikes against #ISISpic.twitter.com/AnqVrshaZ7
— Jean Pierre Duthion (@halona) September 24, 2014
But, no. I have to admit, it's a catchy phrase. It's belittling and ridiculous, but you remember it.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Friendly manatee keeps dog company as he struggles to be rescued from a river.
I've always depended on the kindness of manatees. (Via Facebook)
If you look very carefully, you can see a friendly manatee keeping this dog company while it struggles for dear life. The manatee couldn't (or wouldn't) help the dog get out of the water, or let it rest on it's back, but it did provide some moral support. Just like a giant, water-logged Mother Theresa, who did what she could to alleviate the suffering of lepers despite her inability to cure them, so it was with this manatee, a watchful eye being the only support possible.
The dog, named White Boy, woke nearby neighbors in Tampa with his struggling, but it wasn't until the morning that they discovered the noises were coming from a poor, wet pup, clinging to the man-made sea wall on the side of the Hillsborough River. According to Tampa PD's Facebook page, Marine Patrol Randy Lopez pulled White Boy out of the water and said that the little guy had bloody paws and was covered in bug bites.
All the police activity and concerned neighbors drew the pup's owners out of their home, and so the scared K-9 was reunited with his family. You would think the owners would have noticed their dog was missing and be first on the scene when they heard the noise like their neighbors did, or while they were out looking for their lost pet but, alas, not all humans are as caring as a fully-aquatic marine mammal.
Lopez said that it was likely the dog's struggle that drew the manatee in.
“They’re curious by nature so I’m sure the the sound of the dog splashing in the water trying to get up the sea wall got his attention and he came over to investigate, maybe calm the dog and tell him it was going to be alright,” Lopez told ABC News.
Lopez said the manatee swam away once he dropped a ladder to the water and climbed down to rescue White Boy. Manatees are generally solitary animals, but don't worry; where there is a floating hyacinth or pickerel weed, he'll be there. Where there is a willing and receptive female, he'll be there. Where there is a wet struggling dog, he'll be there.
(by Myka Fox)
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A Conservative Christian mom is rewriting 'Harry Potter' to keep her kids from 'turning into witches!'
Harry and his prayer stick.
If you've never seen any of the Harry Potter movies or read any of the books on which they're based, here's pretty much all you need to know: they're about a little boy who discovers he has magic powers; they take place in a world full of wizards; they try to teach kids about self-reliance and tolerance; and they were conceived by a wicked godless hag woman in the deepest pit of Hell.
Unfortunately, kids love them for some reason. Probably because the Devil presides over this broken and perverted version of the flawless world created by God, but also maybe because they've got a real tight narrative and strong characters. So, what are you gonna do if your kids keep bothering you to read these evil books in defiance of the Fifth Commandment?
One Christian woman prayed upon that problem and, lo, the Heavenly Father bestowed upon her an idea that was miraculous indeed: rewrite the books, but replacing all references to "wizards" with "Christians" and "magic" with "God's love." I've got to say, the results are nothing short of divine. Here's a bit from the first chapter, in which the friendly half-giant Hagrid tries to explain to a wide-eyed Harry Potter a little about this obscure Christianity thing:
“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”
Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”
Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”
"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.
"Well then prove it!"
Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!
Ha! Aunt Petunia is such a stupid Darwinist. Good thing Hagrid was there to whisk Harry away to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles:
"How will we get to this school, Hagrid?" Harry queried curiously.
"We will pray," Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.
"How do we do that?" Harry solicited inquisitively.
"Watch," Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, "Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!"
Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!
Oddly, that's exactly how I get to work everyday. Except for me, the miracle never arrives on time, and then when it does arrive, it's like totally packed, and there's always some drunk angel who smells like vomit sitting next to me. Ugh! Miracles.
Anyway, you know how there was all that scuttlebutt a few years back when J.K. Rowling let slip that Professor Dumbledore was a homosexual. Well, not in this version! In this improved telling of the Harry Potter story, Reverend Dumbledore is a God-fearing family man with "a real Proverbs 31 wife" who prays dinner onto the table every night and a perfect little subservient daughter named Hermione:
"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!"
Immediately, and with cheerful obedience, an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs. She ran over to her father; and gave him the winning smile that daughters have.
"Welcome home, daddy!" She smiled, and then turned to his wife. "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?" ...
Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City. This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.
Ah, public school girls and their Sex and the City. It's literally all they talk about.
Okay, I've got to stop excerpting things now, because I really just want to excerpt everything, which is kind of like not excerpting anything, all glory to God in Heaven. Just go read the whole thing.
And, yes, I know this was possibly written by Jimmy Kimmel or the girl with three boobs or someone like that. I'd give it three-to-one odds of being real, but gambling is sinful. Doesn't really matter anyway. It's great reading regardless.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Maria Sharapova tweeted a photo from a plane of an oblivious passenger reading an article about her.
Economy classy. (via)
It's not that hard to imagine Maria Sharapova going unnoticed on an airplane. Like, if she were boarding the same Lufthansa flight as the German women's volleyball team. However, when the 6'2", No. 4-ranked women's tennis player in the world is flying from Wuhan, China, to Beijing, you'd think that everyone on the flight would be aware. At least the guy sitting two feet away who happened to be reading an article about her.
Evidently, he didn't. But Maria noticed him, and tweeted out a photo with the caption, "Hey buddy, I'm right behind you... :)"
Hey buddy, I'm right behind you... :) pic.twitter.com/deVaMfetzr
— Maria Sharapova (@MariaSharapova) September 25, 2014Maybe he did notice her, and was simply playing it cool. Like, extremely cool. It's also possible he was pretending not to notice a women worth $30 million flying with the riffraff in coach.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Shiobhan Thompson proves Shakespearean insults are better than our insults, and need to be brought back.
To be fair, a good duel now and then would cut down on sarcastic comments in meetings.
And sarcastic coworkers.
I'm not totally sure what an elfskin is, or a dried neat's tongue, or a rampallion, but I know exactly what a filthy bung is, and I'd still be insulted (and angrily confused) if you called me any of those other names. New York-based Englishwoman, comedian, and BBC America personality Siobhan Thompson shows us a world where Shakespeare's insults are still in popular usage today. It's a fun world, a more verbose world. It's not really a classier world. In fact, it's kind of a filthy bung of a world (plus, Thompson uses the c-word a lot less than the Bard did).
This is the third episode of BBC America and Thompson's webseries Anglophenia, and you can follow Siobhan Thompson on Twitter.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Stay informed.
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Turtleneck
A turtleneck is an uncircumcised sweater.
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Miss Stake.
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Very shy dog makes a very dramatic entrance in his Jurassic Park costume.
The suspense is killing me.
Ah, the majesty of the Jurassic Park theme song, forever associated with that moment when the music swells and Sam Neill and Laura Dern see a brachiosaurus for the first time (or some other dinosaur, I don't really feel like checking. I'm sure commenters will be happy to do that if I'm wrong). But now we have a new image, dare I say a greater one. Behold, Marv!
Marv was dressed up by Edward Fuller, who uploaded this video to YouTube.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Bent out of shape.
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