DC Comics unveils amazingly condescending shirt for female 'Batman' fans.

September 29, 2014, 10:45 am

So...you're training to be a rich guy's wife...what a great mission.

It's 2014, so little girls can grow up to be anyone they want's wife. At least, that's the message that D.C. Comics and Walmart are teaming up to bring the nation's female youth with this junior t-shirt. Yes, that's correct, it is officially-licensed D.C. gear, so you can't even blame this solely on Walmart. The people who are supposed to be bringing tales of outsiders who become superheroes fighting for justice also signed off on this retro-in-more-ways-than-one tee. Maybe with the 30 seconds they put into thinking up this slogan, they could have invented a female superhero whose costume uses as much fabric as this shirt (ok, the new Batgirl is pretty good, but maybe they can put a full minute in and give this new girl a name that isn't a diminutive female version of an existing dude).

(by Johnny McNulty)

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Buzz Aldrin

September 29, 2014, 11:07 am

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Buzz Aldrin is the Art Garfunkel of the moon.

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These twin babies are determined to get into the fridge no matter what their dad does.

September 29, 2014, 11:11 am

≫ Next: Donald Trump was tricked into retweeting pics of serial killers, and will no longer be "nice and trusting."

≪ Previous: Buzz Aldrin

Adorably annoying.

I feel bad for this guy here. Looks like he's got a real baby infestation problem. Take a close look at this video, and you'll see that he can barely open the refrigerator long enough enough to get his breakfast ingredients before the thing is swarming with babies:

You see, that's how babies behave once you let them in your house. They're extremely intuitive creatures—they always know exactly where you don't want them to be.

Unfortunately, once you find yourself with a baby infestation like this, you can't ever really get rid of it. The best you can do is be patient for about 12 or 13 years until they start molting into teenagers. After that you'll barely see them at all. Though, the smell will remain.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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Donald Trump was tricked into retweeting pics of serial killers, and will no longer be "nice and trusting."

September 29, 2014, 11:24 am

≫ Next: 10 iconic movie scenes where coffee stole the show.

≪ Previous: These twin babies are determined to get into the fridge no matter what their dad does.

Speaking at the International Tantrum Conference. (via)

A lot of people were surprised yesterday to learn that, all this time, we've been getting the "nice" Donald Trump. I hope everyone enjoyed it, because that won't be the case from now on, after Trump got tricked into tweeting pictures of infamous British serial killers Fred and Rosemary West.

It happened when one of Donald's Twitter followers sent him a request to retweet a photo of his "parents who passed away," buttering up Trump by telling him "they always said you were big inspiration." The message clearly tugged on Donald's ego strings, because he fired off the pic to his 2.7 million followers.

Killer smiles. (via)

Someone eventually tipped Donald to the fact that the lovely couple in the photo were responsible for the murder of at least 11 people. While there's nothing funny about serial killers, it's always a good time when Donald Trump flips his comically ridiculous wig and begins threatening to sue people.

Some jerk fraudulently tweeted that his parents said I was a big inspiration to them + pls RT—out of kindness I retweeted. Maybe I’ll sue.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 29, 2014

I thought I was being nice to somebody re their parents. I guess this teaches you not to be nice or trusting. Sad!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 29, 2014

Sad! Donald has been burned once again and now everyone will pay! Can't blame the guy. What's the use of being nice in a world where you can't even trust a stranger on the Internet named feckhead?

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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10 iconic movie scenes where coffee stole the show.

September 29, 2014, 11:58 am

≫ Next: 4-year-old girl just can't get this nursery rhyme right.

≪ Previous: Donald Trump was tricked into retweeting pics of serial killers, and will no longer be "nice and trusting."

It's National Coffee Day, a fake holiday honoring a very real and very important natural resource. Coffee wakes us up and keeps us that way. It helps truck drivers move our consumer products from one part of the country to the other, and it gives us something to drink at AA meetings. Coffee makes us a happier populace and more efficient workforce, guaranteeing even more profits to the small cadre of mega-rich that pay us to do stuff until we die.

In addition to all that, coffee has been the focus and inspiration of some of our greatest movie scenes. Here are ten such times at the movies when coffee really mattered.

1. When coffee was presented as a reward for good salesmen, not salesmen who are bad.

2. When a pot of scalding hot coffee helped a high school student foil a robbery and regain his footing in the workforce.

3. When an auteur did all he could to not sound wooden while talking about how much he likes coffee.

4. When the world's creepiest casting hobbyist really hated his cup of espresso.

5. When we learned how the young enjoy a cup of joe.

6. When we got a peek at one gumshoe's patented coffee making technique.

7. When we found out what "Venti" means while watching Paul Rudd try to come off as an ahole (not easy).

8. When Bill Murray drank it from the pot while hanging with the Wu.

9. When a terrible cup of coffee saved innocent lives.

10. And of course, when a cup of coffee was synonymous with triumph.

(by Bob Powers)

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4-year-old girl just can't get this nursery rhyme right.

September 29, 2014, 11:58 am

≫ Next: More Appropriate Wedding Weekend Hashtags

≪ Previous: 10 iconic movie scenes where coffee stole the show.

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
- Winston "Lola" Churchill

Lola is an adorable 4-year-old girl with a love for Frozen-inspired clothing and an inability to remember her part of a sing-a-long by the time it is her turn to sing.

Despite failing over and over again, she attempts each try with as much enthusiasm and cheer as the first. She might be not become the next pop star, but we might be looking at the next Winston Churchill.

"Never give up. Never give up. Never give up."*

*Despite everyone believing that's what Churchill said, he actually said, "Never give in." This error is probably due entrusting a 4-year-old to remember the words correctly.

(by Myka Fox)

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More Appropriate Wedding Weekend Hashtags

September 29, 2014, 12:26 pm

≫ Next: This cat absolutely loves being vacuumed.

≪ Previous: 4-year-old girl just can't get this nursery rhyme right.

#SerenaSettlesForJim

#JasonAndAlexaMakeAHugeMistake2014

#SandyPlusMikePlusMikesAngryEx

#GregDoesTheRightThingNowThatTiffanysPregnant

#HurricaneDianeFucksEverythingUp

#KaiAndRobGetColdFeet

#MargoAndJeffreysDJSucks

#DaraAndRandolphMakeUsFeelLonelier

#TrevorStopsSleepingAround4Ever

#AmandaPlusSomeGuySheJustMetWhoseNameWeCantRemember

#TinaAndDaveAndNoOneBraveEnoughToStopThis

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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This cat absolutely loves being vacuumed.

September 29, 2014, 12:36 pm

≫ Next: Ello

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Just a cat really, really, really enjoying a good vacuuming.

Oh, man! This cat loves being vacuumed! He absolutely adores it! It's hard to even express just how much pleasure this cat takes from the sensation of a vacuum cleaner being drawn across the soft fur of its underbelly. Like, imagine something that you totally, totally can't get enough of—something that you'd swear you were placed on this earth to enjoy. That's how much this cat loves being vacuumed!

How much does this cat love being vacuumed? Maybe even more than you're going to love this video of this cat loving being vacuumed:

May you one day find anything in this world that you love as much as this cat loves being vacuumed.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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Ello

September 29, 2014, 1:17 pm

≫ Next: Airport

≪ Previous: This cat absolutely loves being vacuumed.

Ello is an ad-free social network that promises to dominate your life and waste your time more ethically than other social networks.

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Airport

September 29, 2014, 1:22 pm

≫ Next: Amazon River

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An airport is the most overpriced and inconvenient bar in any city.

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Amazon River

September 29, 2014, 1:32 pm

≫ Next: Here's what it's like to be the one A-hole in the stadium section who's cheering for the other team.

≪ Previous: Airport

The Amazon River ain't just a river in Egypt. In fact, it's a river in South America.

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Here's what it's like to be the one A-hole in the stadium section who's cheering for the other team.

September 29, 2014, 1:40 pm

≫ Next: 12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.

≪ Previous: Amazon River

If I've learned anything from this, it's that Clevelanders can flip you off with a big smile.

It's not easy being someone who loves the Baltimore Ravens in these post-Ray Rice days, but it takes an extra layer of "I don't care what anyone thinks" to be the only Ravens fan in the midst of angry Cleveland Browns fans. I'm not talking about, like, wearing a Ravens hat in the wrong section. I'm talking about screaming in their faces and getting them to scream back.

Fortunately, the Browns fans are probably pretty used to disappointment, so they mostly flip him off and scream "fuck you" with smiles on their faces. This guy clearly didn't mind either, since he's a Ravens fan and therefore accustomed to abuse.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.

September 29, 2014, 2:13 pm

≫ Next: Coffee

≪ Previous: Here's what it's like to be the one A-hole in the stadium section who's cheering for the other team.

RockMon, 29 Sep 2014 17:13:31 EDT

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.

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Coffee

September 29, 2014, 3:08 pm

≫ Next: Why the new Assassin's Creed game will be so great: All the characters are kittens.

≪ Previous: 12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.

Coffee is a brewed beverage that can be served either hot with your name misspelled on it or iced with your name misspelled on it.

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Why the new Assassin's Creed game will be so great: All the characters are kittens.

September 29, 2014, 3:15 pm

≫ Next: Jerky Phillies fans mock a Braves pitcher's goofy stance.

≪ Previous: Coffee

To be fair, this actually makes all the acrobatics a bit more believable.

Although I've actually played most of the various Assassin's Creed games, I haven't been paying too much attention to any press releases or watched any videos about Assassin's Creed Unity. That just changed, however, because I was unaware that this part of the story will involve kittens. I do know that the story will take place in Paris during the French Revolution (which explains the very complicated French dialogue), and will apparently examine the hidden role that Assassin (and Templar) kitties played in that world-changing rebellion. Don't tell me anything else about it, I don't want to spoil the rest of the kitten surprises.

Man, I can't wait to buy this all-kitten game. I'm really going to be disappointed if it's anything else. The graphics are so good in this trailer, too!

(by Johnny McNulty)

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Jerky Phillies fans mock a Braves pitcher's goofy stance.

September 29, 2014, 3:21 pm

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≪ Previous: Why the new Assassin's Creed game will be so great: All the characters are kittens.

Phillies fans behaving like Phillies fans.

Craig Kimbrel—the Atlanta Braves' closing pitcher in Sunday night's game at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia—has a weird-looking pitcher's stance that makes him look like a goof. I'm sorry, but that's just an objective fact. Bring this footage into a laboratory and the scientists there will confirm it. That said, it seems to be working for him, as he didn't let up any runs and walked off the mound with another save under his belt.

However, it also allowed some Phillies fans behind the plate to find some small glimmer of fun at the end of an awful season while doing what Philly sports fans—such as myself—do best: acting like obnoxious jerks.

Is this is kind of a douchey thing for Phillies fans to do to a visiting pitcher? Yes. Does this make the entire city look bad on national television? Yes. Does this help propagate an already pervasive stereotype that Philly sports fans are a bunch of jerks? Yes. Would I be doing this right alongside these idiots if I were there in the stands? Almost certainly!

Look, I don't know how to say this other than just to say it: we're kind of proud of what dicks we are. Not all of us. Some Philly sports fans are reasonable, decent people. We just don't watch games with them.

You can judge us all you like, but we're making the best of our situation. It's what we have instead of championships.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)