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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 1, 2014

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1. The U.S. Secret Service Keeps Forgetting To Not Let Dangerous Armed People Near The President

It's pretty common knowledge that one of the U.S. Secret Service's most important duties is keeping potentially dangerous people away from the President. Especially those who happen to be carrying deadly weapons. So, you've got to admit it seems a little bit weird that the agents keep forgetting to do that. Shortly after news broke that they allowed a crazy dude with a knife to sprint past them into the White House, we're now finding out that they let an ex-convict—who was carrying a gun!—get into an elevator with President Obama.


2. David Fincher's 'Gone Girl' To Feature Cameo From Ben Affleck's Penis

After nearly twenty years of waiting, filmgoers will finally get to see Ben Affleck's dark and mysterious sex organ in the upcoming film adaptation of Gillian Flynn's bestselling thriller Gone Girl. "There's some brief—very brief—nudity," Affleck told MTV News. "The penis is in there! It’s IMAX penis! You've gotta pay fifteen bucks to see it in 3D. It looks better in 3D."


3. Bill O'Reilly Is Deeply Offended That Stephen Colbert Made Fun Of His Adorable Mercenary Idea 

In a segment of his Fox News show last night called "How to Deal With Dumb People," O'Reilly Factor host Bill O'Reilly tore into Stephen Colbert for mocking his plan to send elite mercenaries into the Middle East to kill everyone in ISIS with their super soldier powers. "In the world of the ideologue, solutions don't really matter. It's how you feel about things," O'Reilly said, presumably about Colbert and not himself.


4. The 'Twilight' Series Cannot Be Killed By Natural Means

When Lions Gate released what was supposed to be the final installment of their popular, though polarizing, Twilight fantasy horror series in 2010, they made one fateful mistake: they forgot to chop off the franchise's head, stuff garlic in its mouth and run a stake through its heart. This is a common practice when attempting to kill off a vampire series. However, because of their grave error, media consumers will now be forced to deal with a new series of short films inspired by the bestselling Stephenie Meyer novels.


5. Upcoming 'Tetris' Movie Proves You Were Wrong About Hollywood Being Creatively Bankrupt

Good news! It would appear as though the financial and critical disappointment of 2012's Battleship has not closed the door on perplexing cinematic adaptations of no-longer popular strategy games. Tetris—that game you played a whole lot a really long time ago—is going to be made into "a very big, epic sci-fi movie." Tickets, as of press time, are not yet available through Fandango.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Why Breast Cancer Awareness marketing has made me hate October.

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by Ophira Eisenberg

I don’t look forward to October anymore because October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and as someone who had it and went through surgery and treatments a couple of years ago, I’m just getting to the point where I can talk about it, maybe even deal with it. I have a hard time with the pink ribbons. When I was in the middle of the trauma, images of women bathed in pink holding up pink cosmos trivialized what I was going through and made me feel very alone. But I get it - I want there to be awareness, I want there to be cures and better treatments, I want everyone to survive – but for me, those pink ribbons were like wrapping sequins around a grotesque open wound.

Then today I was indulging in a little online retail therapy on the Bloomingdale’s website. They have a series of new fall looks and suggestions as to where you’d wear said outfits in October: Girls’ Night Out, Backyard Campfire, Breast Cancer Awareness Luncheon, Pumpkin Picking, Oktoberfest… wait, wait WHAT?

If this were a parody - I’d think it was genius – I mean that is some good dark humor. But if they are going to diminish what so many women have gone through by suggesting an in-season skirt to wear to a cancer function, then they should go for it. Forget about Business Trip and Pumpkin Picking – suggest to me what I should wear to break up with my therapist, take a pet to the hospital, get audited, meet a divorce lawyer, foreclose on a house, attend a reading of the will, get a mole removed, an Al-Anon group…and how about an all around good look to receive bad news in? I hope that outfit has a dash of whimsy.

Also, please note that, according to Bloomingdale's, one wears sunglasses to a Breast Cancer Awareness Luncheon. I guess to hide the tears?

If you are biking, walking, running, raising money, and/or donating your time to breast cancer this month – thank you. If you know someone who has suffered, survived, experienced loss, or is God forbid, currently going through it, do something escapist with them this month. Yes, it’s very important to remember and raise awareness, but it's also nice, even if it's just for a second, to forget.

Ophira Eisenberg is the author of the book, Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way To Monogamy, and the host of NPR's Ask Me Another.

Images screen-capped from Bloomingdales.com

NFaiL.

Woman with cat-allergic family recreated her favorite viral kitty photos with stuffed substitutes.

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It's probably harder to get those pillows in there, but much easier to get out.

A woman who goes by the reddit handle Michellehas2ls had a big problem: her family and their stupid cat allergies. This deprived Michellehas2ls of the opportunity to truly participate in the online communities she loved. Recently, however, opportunity came knocking in the form of a set of tacky cat pillows she found at a garage sale. These are the sorts of items that most people would never consider owning before turning 70, but Michellehas2ls used them to fit in with the kidz and recreate some of her all-time favorite reddit cat pics from the past year.

In case you were wondering, here are the photos (or examples of the types of photos) she is recreating:


"I was just trying to get a photo of the Xbox for eBay."

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"If it fits, I sits."

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"Don't mind me."

We actually have a whole list of animals refusing to respect human bathroom space.


"My sister's pit bull she rescued seems to get along well with her cat."

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"Firefighter rescues kitten trapped in engine."

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"My curious kitten."

I hope this inspirational tale just goes to show that you, too, can be part of the Internet, even if your loved ones are holding you back with their damned confused antibodies.

(by Johnny McNulty)

What goes through your mind when you show a friend a funny YouTube video.

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This is how we at Happy Place feel every day, folks.

Sharing a funny YouTube video with a friend is a big decision and not one to be undertaken lightly. After all, that friend (or coworker or spouse) is going to base their entire opinion of you and your sense of humor on whether or not they also enjoyed the three minutes of kittens falling down stairs. That's the message of this 100% accurate video from Jeff Loveness, Kyle Helf, and Anais Fairweather.

Luckily for you, you can share this particular YouTube video by saying, "Hey, look at this video Happy Place posted. They think it's funny. What do you think?" 

If your friend hates it, we're happy to take one for the team. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Baby monkey tries desperately to make a sleeping cat play with him.

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"If you knew how cute this looked, you'd play with me!"
"I do know, and there's no f-ing way."

This baby monkey, much like a baby human, will not take "no" for an answer when it comes to playtime. This adult cat, much like all adult cats, will not dignify the request for playtime with an answer at all. This standoff transcends the boundaries of species and communication, and comes down purely to willpower. As we all know, cats will always win that battle, because there is no will more powerful than the will to do nothing that all cats are born with. There's not much more info on this video, other than it is possibly from Brazil (the YouTube title and description is in Portuguese). If I had to guess, I'd say the little simian is some kind of capuchin monkey, and the cat... is a cat.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Presidential leadership.

FCC

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The Federal Communications Commission (or FCC) is a federal agency tasked with making television a lot less interesting.


If there is a record for fainting the most times on the same amusement park ride, this kid just broke it.

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Scream, faint. Repeat three times.

Part of the fun of watching these "someone freaks out on an amusement park ride" videos is guessing who it's going to be at the beginning of the clip. Through the first fifteen seconds of this one, it looks like it could go either way, because neither kid seems terribly happy to be there. But once the ride takes off, it becomes clear which one of the two is not cut out to handle the Sling Shot. Hell, judging by how much screaming he does in between fainting three separate times, I'm not sure he'd be able to handle a ride in a glass elevator.

Too bad he didn't think to wear a GoPro camera. Because if he ever found himself tossing and turning in bed, all he'd have to do is re-watch the footage and it'd be nighty-night. For at least a few seconds before he woke up screaming again.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Microwave

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A microwave is the head chef at Olive Garden.

John Oliver tries, and mostly fails, to explain English soccer to David Letterman.

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"We managed to get the class system into sports."

I don't know why everyone is always pretending like the English football system is so complicated. It's really not. All you really need to know is that there's four main leagues in which teams play. In order of prestige, they are: the Barclays Premier League, the Football League Championship, the House of Lords, and BBC 1. 

If you do well enough in one league, you can move up to the next, provided you receive a royal dispensation from the Queen. To receive such a dispensation, the yeoman of said team must petition the Lord Protector of each of the Seven Kingdoms. These are England, Scotland, Westeros, Mordor, the House of Commons, BBC 2, and the Earl of Sandwich. Before petitioning, the team yeoman must don his finest kilt and—

You know what, maybe we should just let John Oliver explain it. It always sounds better in an English accent:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Computer

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A computer is a device consisting of processing and memory elements that can be programmed to carry out operations related to looking at naked women.

This is how Tinder worked in the olden days.

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A pioneer of touch daguerreotype technology.

Ever wonder what social media was like in bygone eras before smiling was invented, when the world was still monochrome and men wouldn't dream of stepping outside without their finest sideburns?

Well, thanks to some state of the art Vine technology, we are now afforded a small glimpse into what Allie Hundley calls "Vintage Tinder":

Just think how different the world would be if your great great great grandmother had just swiped left instead of right when she first saw your great great great grandfather. It's kind of humbling, isn't it?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Horse interrupts two turtles having sex, lives to regret that decision.

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If this shell's a rockin', don't come knockin'.

Who even knew turtles could move that fast? Definitely not this curious horse. Probably not even a zoologist who studies reptiles for a living, unless they were doing a study on turtle cock-blocking. This has to be the fastest turtle alive. If the horny little guy is able to strike like a cheetah while he's in the middle of having sex, imagine how fast he could move without a tiny hard-on.

The lesson here is: no matter what the species, not one likes to be interrupted when they're getting busy.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

An acting teacher told students to typecast him based on his looks. He discovered he looks really creepy.

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I'd say "David Bowie and David Hyde Pierce fused together in a teleporter accident."
(via redditor slupo)

This terrifying dude right here is allegedly the friend of one redditor slupo, to whom he supplied this personal photo and the one below. I know what you're thinking: is he going to jump through the screen and kill me, or what? Surprisingly, no. It turns out that this mad scientist/inappropriate teacher/crooked cop is actually an acting teacher, and as far as I can tell, not a murdering one. 


What about a warehouse manager who's secretly trying to be the best serial killer?
(via redditor slupo)

On the first day of class, in what I presume was an attempt to teach kids about how cruel and arbitrary show business can be, he asked his students to give him a list of roles they thought he would be good for based solely on "first impressions and looks." What he got back were a surprising number of shifty/scary/weird roles, although to be fair, some people put him in the nice-but-pathetic category, or in the category of a generic stuffy grown-up. One person even thought he'd be a good "Flirty Doctor." For the most part, however, this could not have been good for his self-esteem:


1) Pathetic sexless dad. 2) Pathetic sexless nerd. 3) Untrustworthy authority figure.
4) Murderer, but specifically a creepy one. Not a suave one.

(by Johnny McNulty)


A marriage proposal on the Brooklyn Bridge is pretty romantic until someone drops the ring.

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Mal, Olivia, and the Brooklyn Bridge. (via)

Marriage equality achieved a major breakthrough recently after a woman proposing to her girlfriend made the kind of mistake which normally involves butter-fingered bros riding in boats and hot air balloons.

Mal Harris and Olivia Fader planned an romantic stop on the Brooklyn Bridge during their vacation to New York from Nova Scotia. The idea was to place two "love locks" on the bridge, a recent tradition where couples place padlocks along one of the rails, then throw the keys away as a symbol of their tightly fastened love.


Lovers have the bridge on lock. (via)

Mal decided to up the ante by surprising Olivia with a diamond engagement ring on the bar of her lock, then popping the question after she popped the lock. It was a sweet plan, and a perfect moment, right up until the white gold emerald cut diamond ring flew off the lock and landed between two planks on the bridge.


Pop, lock and dropped it. (via)

As you can see in the above picture, they didn't think retrieving the ring from the walkway would be that big of a deal. And it wouldn't have been. It only became a big deal moments later when the ring slipped from the space and fell forty feet onto an industrial platform inaccessible to pedestrians.


Protect, serve, and occasionally search. (via)

Lucky for them, there were two cops patrolling the bridge that day with big hearts and, more importantly, access to the area of the bridge where the ring landed. From their blog:

After much deliberation about their method, they walked back to Brooklyn, drove across the bridge, and stopped Saturday afternoon New York traffic so they could park and make their descent.

A few anxiety ridden minutes passed, and finally Officer Manley emerged with the ring in hand. Giving us the thumbs up, they then drove back to Brooklyn, and we met them to make the exchange.

Upon meeting us, Manley asked Mal, “So, did she say yes?” To which Mal replied, “I think so?” Manley promptly high fived her.


The happy couple with two of New York's helpful-est. (via)

Considering that the original plan was to create a memorable proposal on the iconic bridge, I'd say it was an enormous success. 

Much more of the story and lots of pics can be found here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Label less.

Psychology

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Psychology is the rigorous scientific study of mental functions and behaviors by people who chose the easiest major.

A mom documents the many ways her 4-year-old insults her every day.

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All that coffee might be why your breath smells like a fart, Mom.

Toddlers are magical creatures: inquisitive, thoughtful, and loving. They're also extremely rude. And the worst part is, they're usually just being brutally honest. Your tummy does "look like a bagel."

"Momhead" is a video from writer/comedian/mom Johanna Stein, and it chronicles the many insults she might hear from her 4-year-old daughter in a single morning. Comments like "You have a lot of hairs on your face" and "Can I have your iPad when you die?" are par for the course when you're taking care of a little terror. I mean angel. (I mean terror.)

Stein's book How Not To Calm A Child On A Plane (And Other Lessons In Parenting From A Highly Questionable Source)came out in April.  

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Alone Star State.

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