A drug store is a retail establishment where a person can buy condoms and any other random thing they can grab so they're not just buying condoms.
Drug store
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A guy who has clearly given up shares his "Rock Bottom Life Hacks."
Mmm, delicious excess...
You're probably used to cleaning pancake batter out of your toilet cover the slow, old-fashioned way—what a pain! But for those of you who are down on your luck, there's a Rock Bottom Life Hack for that. Follow Dan's depressing tips for clean-up, and you'll be back to eating pizza out of the garbage in no time.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
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After 9 years of admiring him, Stephen Colbert finally unloads on Bill O'Reilly.
"I'm about to be on network TV, bro, do you really want to do this?"
The Colbert Report, sadly, will be over in December. Colbert's mentor and idol, Bill O'Reilly, however, will stay in his No Spin Zone until he dies or all the old people watching him do. So, these last few episodes are also Colbert's last chances to take his tongue out of his cheek and use it to give "Papa Bear" a lashing. Maybe as a parting gift for Colbert, O'Reilly decided to announce (and then dig his heels in over) the stupidest idea ever put forward on Fox News...in 2014...probably.
The military genius/Fox News host famously proposed creating a 25,000-strong mercenary force that would be responsible for fighting terrorism wherever it can be found...or wherever the paying customers tell them terrorism is. Colbert immediately got excited, comparing it to his fourth grade journal idea for an all-double-ninja-mutant fighting team. O'Reilly did not take it well, and ripped into Colbert on the following night's program. After watching Stephen's response, I can only hope that this battle lasts through the end of the show, until Colbert can mock O'Reilly from the much-larger platform of The Late Show.
Here's the original Elite Strike Force clip, if you haven't seen it:
(by Johnny McNulty)
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This Week In Dystopia: Drones, Ebola, and Emma Watson.
"The world is a vampire."
-Smashing Pumpkins
Welcome to "This Week In Dystopia," a digest of all the things turning 2014 America to 1984 Brazil. As the line between our real-life present and the horrible imagined futures of our past keeps on a-blurring, it's more critical than ever to chart society's descent into a techno-nightmare of illusory choice, at least until all that ever was is wiped from our collective memories, and we all get plugged into big weird chairs.
Here's what's doubleplustopical this week:
Infinite Drones, Forever, Blotting Out The Sun
Meet the Razor, the Department of Defense's new 3-D-printable, military-grade UAV. With predicted speeds of up to 120 MPH, a 1.5 pound carrying capacity ready for a surveillance camera, and costing only $800 and 31 hours to print, this little dude is poised to blacken skies for years to come wherever it is we might maybe at some point down the line possibly be unofficially at war. You know, just in case.
Never mind that we're equipping whatever emergent electronic super-intelligence we're forming Google by Google with everything it needs to build its implacable, disposable plastic army. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, only whoops, we're already in the middle of the bridge, and the bridge is on fire, and it's an electrical fire so good luck, my man. My favorite part: The drone is assembled with pieces that snap together – like Legos! – and can be controlled with a Google Nexus 5 smartphone – like some kind of casual mobile bird battle! Wow, endless war is fun!
Thank God, then, that Boeing has built the military a 10-kilowatt truck-mounted laser cannon capable of blasting drones, rockets, and artillery out of the goddamn sky simple as you please, even in windy and/or foggy environments. Maybe it's strong enough to kill God. We just won't know until we try. And, just like the drones it's pitted against, the laser is operated by an Xbox controller. Break out the Mountain Dew, we got Code Red over here! Boy, it's like war's on its way to becoming a gamified economic abstraction for everyone but the civilian casualties. Anyway, what else is news.
Ebola, The Everyman's Disease
Boy, we sure had fun cracking all those Ebola jokes this summer, huh? Sure we did. When we weren't too busy slinging hot punchlines about ISIS (whoa... like from Archer!), the missing Malaysian plane, or that U2 album, I've Already Forgotten What That Album Was Called, we were getting our giggles talking like every cough and sniffle outed us as Patient Zero. And why not? It's not like we were on the pestilential chopping block. It's the old equation: Comedy = tragedy + an ocean.
But now, thanks to the miracle of air travel, America's got its very own first case of certified Ebola, an unidentified man in Dallas who developed symptoms after flying in from Liberia (and boy are his arms ravaged by disease!). He's been isolated in Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital, and while the CDC is confident he couldn't possibly have infected anyone on his flight, those he's come in contact with since developing symptoms are being closely monitored. And, folks, if you already thought it was funny to tell your friends, "Watch out you don't get Ebola!", you haven't even begun to scratch the membrane of the throbbing joke-cyst ready to gush forth and fill us all with the most infectious body fluid of all: terror-driven laughter.
Though pestilence itself is dirt-ancient, population-ravaging superplagues are as dystopian as jackboots. They're where big data meets blind animal terror, and inevitably end with total societal collapse getting pushed back by a whole lot of really coercive society, complete with creepy hazmat imagery, mandatory injections administered by robot arm, and the whole American southwest being walled off and cauterized and declared a Zero Area (not that the southwest shouldn't be, prophylactically). So, while it's by no means time to start stocking iodine tablets and learning which wire starts the car, I'm not not gonna tell you not to do that. Maybe do that.
Emma Watson Nude Leak False Flag Clusterbungle Go!!!
Okay, real quick:
A while back - Emma Watson delivers a "game changing" speech to the UN about feminism in which she invites all men to help her build a table or something. Everyone loved it except for a few killjoy malcontents who society perpetually marginalizes.
Slightly after that - The civilized internet went buckwild at the news that the same chuckleheads who perpetrated Bigass Nudespill 2014 had allegedly threatened our girl Emma with more of the same for having spoken out for women. A countdown to the fated hour ticked away at EmmaYouAreNext.com. Never mind that this cause-and-effect narrative makes about as much sense as the scheme of a Captain Planet villain; the headline alone was enough to whip newsfeed crusaders into a frothy lather/lathery froth.
And then - And then it turned out to be a hoax: EmmaYouAreNext.com revealed itself as the promotional hub for "#ShutDown4chan," a viral campaign engineered by a marketing firm, Rantic, who'd been hired by "celebrity publicists" to take a stand against the crudslingers and turdjackers skulking over at 4chan, the internet's Mos Eisley and progenitors of the leaked celebrity nudes. So, shots fired.
But wait - Rantic was itself a hoax, in fact, a creation of SocialVEVO, a sort-of viral marketing sort-of company who've pulled shitty buzzy stunts like this in the past, creating sites like Rememberthe13th.com, which promised a big NASA announcement while NASA itself was shuttered during the government shutdown, driving inadvertent traffic to pointless YouTube videos, and pocketing the dollars generated through hundreds of thousands of views. They also sell bot followers to Twitter accounts and bot traffic to YouTube videos. They are parasitic scum, a tapeworm in the internet's colon.
But hold on - 4chan didn't take too kindly to having a hollow viral campaign cynically launched against them, and retaliated, hacking and defacing Rantic's site, among other SocialVEVO sites, and uncovered a slew of SocialVEVO's "pranks." Nobody here is a winner; it's just cancer and dysentery fighting over the same body.
So to sum up - I'm garbage, you're garbage, the internet is garbage, online media is garbage, the whole knowable world is garbage, we're all vaguely complicit, and everything's only going to get worse until there's nothing left but sludge and targeted ads.
See you next week!
Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter.
Images via Getty Images
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Don't dye.
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Snuggie
A Snuggie is a blanket with sleeves that begs the question of what other problems you might not realize you have.
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This weather lady stormed out after a giant bee appeared during a live broadcast.
Too bad there's no Windex in the forecast.
If giant bees the size of a human head actually existed, being afraid of them would be perfectly understandable. But they don't. Still, Fox 59 News meteorologist Jennifer Ketchmark isn't taking any chances, even after her coworkers at the news desk were kind enough to take the time and explain to her that at no point was she in danger of being attacked by a foot-long, ten-pound bee. Because, A) they're not an actual thing, and B) the bee in the picture was outside, not inside. Doesn't matter; Jennifer is taking this drill seriously. If and when we are attacked by huge, deadly bees, she won't be caught standing around.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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The best way to avoid taking out the trash.
One man's trash is another man's Rebellion.
Redditor yellowcakecone and his girlfriend recently ordered a new bed (bow chicka wow-wow), and as exciting as that must have been, there was one major downside: the leftover packaging materials. Now, yellowcakecone's girlfriend asked, some would say quite reasonably, that he take all this cardboard out of the house to the trash (or, hopefully, the recycling). He had other plans.
"Brown 3, standing by."
As awesome as this is, what's even more impressive is his girlfriend's reaction.
She may be one of an endless army of clones, my friend, but none the less she is the one of an endless army of clones.
P.S. - You probably didn't notice, but you can spot the Stormtrooper helmet sitting on a shelf in a reflection in the original photo.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Untouchable.
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Get a room.
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Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler is a former comedian.
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This guy decided to take his cats for their first (and last) walk.
For sale: 2 cat leashes. Used once.
Humans have been attempting to walk cats for years with a success rate hovering right around zero percent. So the fact that Morgan James went one-for-two on his first attempt at walking his cats Simon and Wash should be considered a personal triumph. Although, Wash slinking along out of fear only looks like "walking" when compared to Simon, who decided he'd rather be dragged across the lawn with his dignity intact than walk on a leash as a complete cat failure. Good for him. Fight the power, Simon! Or at least let it drag you around until it gives up and carries you home.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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Two high school teachers arrested for having a threesome with a student after he wouldn't stop bragging about it.
Just another case of life imitating a Van Halen video.
(Screencap via WDSU 6 News)
If you can't trust a sixteen-year-old boy to keep his mouth shut about having sex with two members of his high school faculty in one sitting, who can you trust?
That's what two (thankfully soon-to-be-former) teachers in Louisiana are asking themselves while awaiting trial for having a way-too-educational night with one of their students. The teachers reportedly met up with the student, a junior, after a football game, then brought him back to one of their apartments "where the three had sex simultaneously until the early morning hours," according to WGNO News.
Not trying to question WGNO's fact-checking, but no way he lasted that long. Maybe, "where the three had sex simultaneously, broken up by periods of rejuvenating Xbox play, until the early morning hours" would be more accurate.
Shelley Dufresne, 32, and Rachel Respess, 24, had reportedly kept up a relationship with the student for longer than just that one night, based on the accounts given by several students, ex-students and anyone else the kid could brag about it to.
The student confirmed to police that the sex was consensual. Now 17, the student was 16 at the time of the sexual activity, and Dufresne and Respess are facing charges of carnal knowledge of a juvenile and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
No matter what kind of jail time they face, the important thing is these two hopefully won't be teaching our kids anymore. Aside from being completely inappropriate, the fact that they didn't know that a 16-year-old boy who slept with two of his teachers would brag about it, probably in a status across every social network before the act was even complete, proves they have no business teaching anyone anything ever.
(by Bob Powers)
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Easily done.
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The daughter of the Hong Kong chief executive just posted something really stupid on Facebook.
Let them eat cake! (screenshot via BoingBoing)
The kids of politicians just love doing moronic stuff on social media, and the daughter of Hong Kong Chief Executive Leung Chun-ying is no exception. Yesterday, Chai Yan Leung, who is studying at the London School of Economics, posted the photo above to Facebook and then seemed to respond to someone's criticisms of her necklace by saying:
This is actually a beautiful necklace bought at Lane Crawford (yes- funded by all you HK taxpayers!! So are my beautiful shoes and dresses and clutches!! Thank you so much!!!!
Pro-democracy demonstrations continue to take place in Hong Kong, and thousands of protestors are calling for the removal of her dad from power. So clearly, this is not a good time for Leung to be posting pretty much anything to Facebook and definitely not taunts of Hong Kong taxpayers. Evidently, Leung disagrees. She went on:
(screenshot via Coconuts Hong Kong)
This isn't the first time Leung has posted something weird to Facebook. Back in June, she posted a photo of her own slashed wrists with the question "Will I bleed to death?" (Answer: If you have time to go on Facebook and pose the question, then probably not.)
Leung's account has since been taken down, and I imagine she also got a stern talking to. This is probably why China went ahead and banned Facebook years ago.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
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Guilty Fasting.
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Happy Yom Kippur.
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Johnny Cash
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have a wife, two kids and can't help but feel trapped by our quotidian existences. You know?
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog makes Times Square mascots do things your children should never ever see.
Five bucks is five bucks.
When you live in New York, there are certain people who, if you see them coming at you on a sidewalk, you should dive into moving traffic to get to the other side of the street. These include any twenty-something holding a clipboard and wearing a windbreaker with a non-profit's logo on the breast, anyone claiming to be giving away their homemade hip-hop CD "for free," and of course, Alec Baldwin (he could snap at any minute).
But at the top of the list is anyone dressed up as a beloved cartoon character or action hero, because they are more than likely a felon with an anger management problem who has a very good reason for keeping his identity hidden from authorities.
To investigate the seedy, violent underbelly of Times Square open-air cosplay, last night's Conan aired a report from the only correspondent who could relate to this kind of riff-raff, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog.
In light of the recent ebola scare, anyone who has come in contact with Spider-Man's fanny pack has been asked to immediately contact the CDC.
(by Bob Powers)
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Jedi
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