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Here's your Monday afternoon camel-tickling video.

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Hahahaha stop you're gonna make me pee, and I've been holding it in for days!

If it's Monday, it's time for a camel-tickling video. Just when it seems like you've seen them all, one like this comes along and redefines the genre. I don't know how we keep finding them! Camels: they're the angry, ticklish, spitting, kicking and biting cats of Middle Eastern Internet videos.

This video, entitled "Camel Laughs" is from majeed799, probably from Egypt, and beyond that I have no idea what's going on. In fact, this is the only one of majeed799's videos that I can make any sense of—the others involve such things as jumping SUVs over sand dunes and accidentally running people over. Yay, Middle Eastern YouTube!

(by Johnny McNulty)


Disorderly conduct.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 6, 2014

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1. U.S. Supreme Court Bravely Opts Out From Having To Make Any Decision On Gay Marriage

Terrified by the very real possibility that they might be wind up bestowing marriage rights to gay people across the nation, the United States Supreme Court stuck its fingers in its ears and chose not to hear state appeals from all same-sex marriage cases presented to it this session. This effectively makes gay marriage legal in twenty-four states instead of fifty. Just so long as there's still some place for bigots to remain bigoted in peace.


2. Ben Affleck's Penis Wins At The Box Office This Weekend

Buoyed by the possibility of spying a quick glance at superstar Ben Affleck's blurry penis, moviegoers flocked to David Fincher's new thriller Gone Girl, otherwise known as That Movie With Ben Affleck's Junk In It. Opening with $38 million for the weekend, the famous-wiener-containing movie narrowly edged out the scary-doll movie Annabellewhich contains no penis, famous or otherwisefor the weekend's top spot.


3. Los Angeles Residents Warned They May Have NFL Players In Their City Within A Year 

The last several years have marked a historic low for violent crime rates in Los Angeles. All of that may be about to change, as Angelenos are now learning that their city may be getting an NFL franchise within the next year or two. An unknown source within the league is claiming that there are plans in place to move one or two teams to L.A. before the 2016 season. Now might be a good time for residents of the coastal city to consider bolstering their home security systems.


4. Animal Experts Make Important Discovery — Two Male Hyenas Incapable Of Creating Offspring

After several years of attempting to coerce two male hyenas into having sex with one another, a zoo in Japan has determined that this practice will likely not result in a baby hyena anytime soon. The two animals “remained confrontational, leaving bite marks on each other,” a zookeeper, who assumed at least one of them was likely a female, told the Wall Street Journal's "Japan Real Time." Apparently, that wasn't just them enjoying some kinky BDSM power play.


5. Moe Green Might Not Have Really Been Killed By Michael Corleone

A new source claims to know the true identity of the person who killed famous gangster Bugsy Seigel. According to the son of the person who supposedly hired the guy who shot the criminal—who has been immortalized many times in film and on television, perhaps most famously as Moe Greene in The Godfather—Seigel was killed by a hit man named Mathew "Moose" Pandza, who was hired by a woman named Bee Sedway, who was the mother of an old guy named Robbie Sedway, who is making the claim. It's all very confusing. Probably best to just pretend he was killed for slapping Fredo around.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Drink... LIKE A MAN

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by Dan Abromowitz

You're a man. You look like a Brooklyn-exiled Theodor Herzl, you toss around the word "bespoke" on a daily basis, and you own several types of salt. You smoke $12 apiece cigarettes, flirt with the models at whiskey events, and would like to be buried in your grandfather's barn. And so, you deserve cocktails that befit a man of your modern masculine manner. You deserve everything in this world.

Here are a few of the finest concoctions scribbled in mixologist's scrolls from way back when planes were named classy things like Enola Gay and men could flick ash at whoever they cared to.

THE MASTER'S LATHE

Thick and ticklish, reserved for a gentleman of supple pleasure. Pairs best with a hillock of oak shavings and a copy of The Sot-Weed Factor.

You will need -

Ingredients:

Glum Acrobat Roanoke Reserve Thrice-Blessed Barrel-Batch Rye Whiskey

Aromatic bitters

Bitter aromatics

Horseleather-infused simple syrup

Ape musk

Crab scrapings

Egg white (monotreme)

Virgin mint

Fiberglass

Aged ice

Equipment:

Swindler's cone

Fingerglove

Blotter

Cocktail shaker (brass)

Spitguard

Tiny bathtub

Instructions:

Fill swindler's cone with egg white and ape musk. Palpate relentlessly until the musk protests (6-8 minutes).

Regard the ice.

Twist, slap, and kiss the mint (w/tongue). Repeat until flushed.

Combine aromatic bitters and bitter aromatics in equal proportion until, entirely neutralized, a glass of water remains. Drink this to stay hydrated.

Combine whiskey, syrup, and crab scrapings in tiny bathtub. With fingerglove, splish splash your pinky about like a little bitty hedonist. Watch you do not bruise the liquor.

Spit on the spitguard to confirm its effectiveness. Set aside indefinitely.

Combine tub, cone, ice, and fiberglass in cocktail shaker. Place near a fault line. Return after a sizable seismic event.

Pour cocktail into the drain. Only the process mattered

.

THE DROPSICAL BARRISTER

An old and venerable cocktail, widely believed to have single-handedly kickstarted the Prohibition era. Still technically illegal in the mainland USA. Best drank with awful company in a terrible mindset.

You will need -

Ingredients:

A bullet

Grain spirits (180 proof or above)

Sinverguenza's Black Agave Execution-Style Smoked Tequila

Powders

Pre-holy water

Choice botanicals

Local farm spelt

Heirloom rhubarb (karate-chopped)

Herbal Essences

Equipment:

A big damn knife

Instructions:

Dissolve bullet in a jar of grain spirits. Shoot the jar with a gun. Consider what you've just done, and why you've done it. Gather loose drippings.

Pour the pre-holy water into your favorite drinking glass. Drink this to stay hydrated.

Circulate the powders, remaining mindful of their properties.

Work Herbal Essences into damp hair, working from root to tip, until a lather forms. Wring hair into a highball glass and serve to an enemy.

Mash spelt, rhubarb, and tequila into a loose paste. Anoint knife with paste and plunge into a heart (yours or whoever's). Catch whatever comes out in a highball glass and serve to an enemy.

Go to bed. You've had a long day.

.

FIREBALL FLAKES

A big boy's breakfast. Strictly for caucasians.

You will need -

Ingredients:

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey

Milk (whole)

Cheerios

Equipment:

Bowl

Spoon

Adventurer's mindset

Instructions:

You can pretty much figure this one out I think.

.

THE BIG BOPPER'S PANTY DROPPER

Killed FDR.

You will need -

Ingredients:

White rum

Dark rum

Darker rum

Spiced rum

Salted rum

Frozen rum

De-aged rum

Poison rum

Raisin rum

Crummy rum

Rummikub

Domesticated rum

Cran-apple rum

Tum tugger rum

Sugar cane (in rum form)

Whiskey rum

Gin rum

Gin rummy

Dried rum (rehydrated)

Spider rum (orb)

Rum juice

"Rum"

Piss

Vinegar

Equipment:

Rum gloves

Rum hat

"I <3 RUM" shirt

Punch bowl

Instructions:

Combine all ingredients in a punch bowl and set on fire. Run.

Keep running.

Never stop.

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter.

A man killed his friend for "poking" his girlfriend on Facebook.

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No, you can't read my poker face. (Via Nottinghamshire Police)

It is hard to believe that it is still around, but Facebook poking is still the easiest way to let someone know you're a creepy weirdo without saying a word. Whenever I receive a "poke notification," I lower my head to my hands and think, "Oh god, who do I need to unfriend?"

The unfriended are the lucky ones. When Scott Humphrey learned that his friend Richard Rovetto had poked his girlfriend on Facebook, he killed him.

According to the Mirror, the two were riding home in a cab after attending a bachelor party when Humphrey, 27, accused Rovetto, 29, of the now infamous poke. The cab driver recalled hearing him yell, "If you're such a good friend then why did you poke my missus?"

Rovetto, who had a one-year-old son, claimed that he didn't know Humphrey and the girl were dating, but the argument escalated until it peaked as the cab stopped in Top Valley, Nottingham. The two got out and Humphrey proceeded to beat up Rovetto until one blow caused him to fall and hit his head on the pavement. He died hours later in a hospital from devastating head wounds. 

Humphrey fled the scene, but then quickly turned himself in to the police. While on trial he pled guilty to manslaughter and was given four years and four months in prison. 

When giving out the sentence, Judge Gregory Dickinson, QC said to Humphrey, "You didn't intend to kill him. Part of the tragedy is that it's left to chance what happens. There will be a fight like this somewhere tonight and the person will get up and go home and the police will never hear about it."

Good grief. My guess is that alcohol had way more to do with this tragedy than Facebook, but let's just get rid of the poke feature anyway. 

(by Myka Fox)

As someone who has lied about watching Twin Peaks for years, this is TERRIBLE NEWS.

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Travis HelwigMon, 6 Oct 2014 13:51:02 EDT

As someone who has lied about watching Twin Peaks for years, this is TERRIBLE NEWS.

Good effort.

A commercial to celebrate white people in America while there's still something to celebrate.

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Only until 2045 if you don't count the Irish.

White folks, as you may have noticed, kiiiiinda have the deck stacked in their favor in this country. As a white dude whose face works like a cloaking device on cops, I know just how unfairly sweet that can be. But I know I can't take that for granted—one day, demographics will rob America's lucky hordes of melanin-deprived overlords of their magic, and force Whites to play equally, just like they always promised. That doesn't mean it's not fun, though! That's also the message in this Saturday Night Live commercial for Whites, "Still calling the shots till 2050...2060 tops." 

I better get camping. And hiking!

(by Johnny McNulty)


A guy confronts a panhandler after he spots her driving a nicer car than him.

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"May I smash your windshield?"

When Brandi Newman recognized the woman parked next to her at an Oklahoma City gas station as the elderly panhandler she'd given money to earlier, she was pretty upset. Enough that she pulled out her phone to get a picture of the "78-year-old widow too poor to afford food," who was somehow able to drive a 2013 Fiat.

As annoyed as Brandi was, though, she wasn't nearly as upset as a guy who'd given the woman $15 that week. In the video shot by Brandi below, the man unloaded on the "panhandler," screaming "Listen, I work hard for my money. I don't appreciate this shit. And that's why people like you take advantage of people like me. This is bullshit!" Then, sounding like a guy who just realized he'd skipped lunch one day in order to give a silver-haired scam artist four bucks, he screamed, "You drive a better car than me!"

Warning: the clip contains (completely understandable) NSFW language.

Turns out, a lot of people don't like the idea of being burned by someone taking advantage of their kindness and generosity, because the video Brandi posted to Facebook has been viewed over 3 million times in five days.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Joe Biden

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Joe Biden is the Vice Principal of the United States of America.

Are you worrying enough about ISIS and Ebola?

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CNN: "THE EBOLA OF ISIS FEAR MONGERING?" (Via)

This screenshot posted by redditor flapjackKing displays CNN's headline this morning "EBOLA: 'THE ISIS OF BIOLOGICAL AGENTS.'"

As if the American public wasn't worried enough about the threat of EBOLA, CNN had to go ahead and cram "ISIS" into the title, just to make sure we were good and scared of it. 

But what is calling Ebola the ISIS of biological agents supposed to mean to us? That Ebola is an extremist threat from Iraq and Syria? Or, maybe they're attempting a more metaphorical approach, alleging that Ebola is unpredictable and poorly understood, as is the threat of ISIS? Or maybe the two are temporally linked due to how they bounded onto the fear scene at the same time, the way that Cholera was "the Napoleon of intestinal infections."

It's so hard to tell what these titles mean when everyone is in a state of panic, except that Ebola and ISIS aside, what CNN is most afraid of is not having enough buzzwords in the headlines of their news stories.

Never mind that ISIS may in fact be trying to create biological weaponry, lets just think about ISIS as being synonymous with the biological agent we already have on hand. CNN wants us to think they are both terrifying, out of our control, and the best way to protect ourselves from either is to just build a bunker, hide out in it, and watch CNN until they both blow over.

(by Myka Fox)

Everyone who was sitting near this insane race car crash is lucky to be alive.

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Not one of these people ended up with a scratch on their bodies.

I knew going into this video of an Italian stock car accident that nobody got hurt, but that didn't stop me from screaming at the computer or covering my face with my hands the first time I tried to watch it. Because, really, how could everybody have walked away from something like this totally unharmed:

I feel like if this were a movie, all of those people would have walked away from it saying, "That was crazy, wasn't it?" And then they'd see a bunch of weird stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it would turn out that they were actually all killed during the accident, and now they're in some sort of purgatory half-way zone between Earth and the Afterlife. But then also, it'd turn out that you're dead. And I'm dead, too. We're all dead! All of us! And this video was just a function of our confused post-life consciousnesses trying to convey the absurdity of our strange existences to our floundering psyches.

That would make this video kind of make sense to me.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

No one can stay mad at (or catch) this party-decoration-stealing puppy.

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It's like capture the flag, except with the Internet's hearts.

You don't need colorful flyers and a puppy to have a party, but if a puppy has colorful flyers, the party is already started. That sorta makes sense, right? In the Mediterranean town of Limassol, Cyprus, this black puppy stole the streamers from an outdoor party being thrown by the Golden Gardens UpCycle Club, an environmental/entrepreneurship space that has something to do with recycling and Internet access. You can check out their Facebook page. I really have no idea what their mission is, except that they should immediately change the entire business model to focus on making this puppy a star.

(by Johnny McNulty)

WTF Did I Just Watch: This woman and her polyphonic singing.

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They call her "Harmonica Lungs."

This woman has a pleasing Continental appearance, a subtle German accent, and she sounds like a cartoon UFO lifting off into space.

Anna-Maria Hefele is a master at polyphonic overtone singing, the bizarre and rare ability for one person to sing two notes at the same time. One note she sings is the deeper, rich, "fundamental" note, and the higher, more mechanical sounding one (sometimes) is the "overtone." 

How does she do it? She explains what is happening, kind of, but this is definitely not a how-to. By the look of her when she is doing this, she appears to be possessed or other-worldly. Are Germans aliens? What else don't we know?

The whole thing cranks up another notch when she puts her dual voices into action in her "polyphonic solo voice" at 4:10. 

This woman needs no other people to harmonize with her. That's just so German.

(by Myka Fox)

​12 Mysteries The New 'Twin Peaks' Episodes Need To Address.

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by Dan Abromowitz

David Lynch took to YouTube yesterday to announce that two-season cult hit Twin Peaks would be returning in 2016 as a Showtime miniseries, finally giving fans hope for the closure they've long been denied. Here are the mysteries the new series will need to put to rest to leave fans satisfied:

Where was the gold? A hidden trove of buried conquistador gold was never once mentioned in the entire series, making its true location all the more mysterious, and to this day driving fans wild with speculation over where the gold might be stashed. The internet will just about explode if the new episodes don't finally reveal where in Twin Peaks these untold riches have been hidden this whole time.

Who killed Laura Palmer? Okay, they may have covered this one already– I got bored a bit into the second season with the singing stuff and stopped watching – but whenever my friends start to bring it up I jam my hands over my ears and holler, and plus they're the kinds of guys who'd fake-spoil something like that just to fuck with you. So if all you big time superfans already know the answer, cool, whatever, claps for you.

What's up with all the weird stuff? Fans learned to roll with and even relish all the oddball junk that David Lynch crammed into Twin Peaks, but we never really got a satisfactory explanation for why everything was so weird and whacked out all the time. Like how come she's got that log, and stuff like that. I don't get it.

The Mysteries of Laura. Let me get this straight: she's a cop, AND a mother? She catches bad guys AND raises naughty ones? How the heck does she do it?!

What made the coffee so good? I brew up a lot of java, and I'm always looking for hot tips and tricks to get the most from my roast. Agent Dale Cooper's spouting off all the time about how damn good the coffee is, and here I am wondering, well, is it drip or French press or Chemex or what? Did they figure out a good way to heat up cold brew and cash in on that low acidity? Is there maybe a little chicory in the mix? I just gotta know for my morning buzz!

What kind of fish do they use for imitation crab meat? And as long as we're on the subject, why don't they just call it that on menus? "Imitation crab meat" sounds so gross.

Are the owls what they seem? Again, this one's maybe on me. I dozed off a lot watching the show (it's boring!), but, while I had no reason to believe the owls occasionally glimpsed were anything other than what they seemed, I always had this nagging hunch that something was up with the owls. Am I crazy? I guess we'll find out!

Which one was Bob again? I can't remember. You tell me any one of the guys on this show is named Bob and I'd believe you.

Is our universe a hologram or simulation? More and more, observations about the behavior of black holes and certain subatomic particles suggest that the universe as we perceive it may in fact be a two-dimensional information structure, analogous to a holographic image. While a year-long experiment with ultra-high-sensitivity laser beams is currently in progress at Chicago's Fermi Lab, a definitive answer on Twin Peaks would really shake things up.

What's under that lady's eye patch? Does she got a messed up eye under there, or just a hole where an eye ought to be? Either way: gross!

Do dogs like wearing clothes? We tend to assume they do, or at least don't mind it, but what if they really hate it? What if we're torturing dogs with little hoodies and booties? I just want to do right by my schnauzer, Amputated Catdog ("Ampy" for short).

By 2016, will the public have already burned out out on networks reviving beloved but long-dead properties in a clear bid to cash in on manufactured nostalgia and blog buzz? Probably not. We'll see!

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter.


The TSA spilled the ashes of a man's dead mother all over his suitcase and refuses to apologize.

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Any and all souls will be confiscated and held at the Lost & Found & Damned.

Shannon Thomas from Cleveland, OH, flew to Puerto Rico two years ago to ""spread his mother's remains in the Caribbean Sea, as she had requested prior to passing away." Instead, her ashes ended up spread all over his suitcase and his clothes, because the Transportation Security Administration doesn't give a flying eff about your mom's mortal remains or her final requests. They will leave you a little note, though.

In his suit, Thomas and his lawyers state that he used a really sturdy and serious urn, screwed tightly, and wrapped in his clothes for good measure. Somewhere between Cleveland, his connection in DC, and San Juan, however, the TSA got their hands on it. That's when they "negligently, carelessly, and recklessly replaced the lid of the urn, placed a bag inspection notice in [Thomas'] suitcase and sent the bag on its way. This action caused the urn to open and spilled the remains of [Thomas'] mother on the inside of [Thomas'] suitcase and on [Thomas'] personal effects."

Thomas would have been happy with an apology, apparently. However, "No person speaking on behalf of the United States or TSA has ever issued an apology, explanation, or notification...aside from the bag search notice."

At least she wasn't confiscated? Hooray, America.

(by Johnny McNulty)

How "The Walking Dead" could have gone if the characters were at all reasonable.

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Can't we all just get along until the zombie apocalypse is over?

Season 5 of The Walking Dead premieres on Sunday, but it could have all been over in the first season if only the characters were willing to let bygones be bygones. Instead, they kept getting caught up in stupid internal conflicts, even though the external conflict with the zombies was obviously a way bigger deal. The sketch comedy group Pocketwatch imagines how differently the show could go in season five if everyone would just be a little more reasonable when faced with the undead.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Federal Bureau of Investigation

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The Federal Bureau of Investigation (or FBI) is a governmental agency responsible for making DVDs fifteen seconds longer.

Restaurant owner gives perfect response to ridiculous complaint on Yelp.

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You can file your complaint here. 

Yelp has become the landfill for all restaurant-related gripes and vendettas. Fortunately, it has also become the battleground for owners to fight back. In as much as it is the consumer's right to publicly complain about perceived slights, so too is it the restaurant's right to humiliate their accuser.

In the case of Sonal B. Vs. The owner of Voltaire, an American fare bistro in Kansas City, MO, the chief complaint was that the restaurant refused her request to order food "to go." When the restaurant would not comply because they prefer their food be consumed in the restaurant given the skill and care they took to prepare it, Sonal threatened to ream them on Yelp, and invoke the wrath of her lawyer husband. 

Barf. "But my husband is a lawyer," is the most appetite-killing phrase there is. 


33 reviews, but only 1 friend. (Via Yelp

If I had to pick a point where she is the most obnoxious and least sympathetic, it would have to be, "So thanks, Jamie, we'll just starve." 

I'll bet anything she called another restaurant (or had her husband do it because she was too exhausted by grief and hunger) and had food delivered directly to her face before she even hit "post" on this review. If there are any restaurants that remember serving Sonal on that same date who can back this up, I'd love to hear from you.

Here is owner William G.'s response. It is the perfect shut down of a whiny child who unfairly threw a hissy fit against a restaurant whose tag line is, ironically, "we're all in this together." 

The only thing that would have made this better is getting to watch Sonal read it in person.


Owned by the owner. (Via Yelp)

William G., no doubt you would make a great lawyer, but as far as divorces go, I think Sonal and her husband will stay together. I suspect her reliance on him to argue with customer service is the hateful glue that keeps them together. 

Here is another review left by Sonal for a salon where she described getting her lawyer husband to yell at a front desk clerk who refused her service because she showed up late for an appointment. 

Some people are just hungry for a fight. 

(by Myka Fox)

Well-liked.

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