by Dan Abromowitz
You're a man. You look like a Brooklyn-exiled Theodor Herzl, you toss around the word "bespoke" on a daily basis, and you own several types of salt. You smoke $12 apiece cigarettes, flirt with the models at whiskey events, and would like to be buried in your grandfather's barn. And so, you deserve cocktails that befit a man of your modern masculine manner. You deserve everything in this world.
Here are a few of the finest concoctions scribbled in mixologist's scrolls from way back when planes were named classy things like Enola Gay and men could flick ash at whoever they cared to.
THE MASTER'S LATHE
Thick and ticklish, reserved for a gentleman of supple pleasure. Pairs best with a hillock of oak shavings and a copy of The Sot-Weed Factor.
You will need -
Ingredients:
Glum Acrobat Roanoke Reserve Thrice-Blessed Barrel-Batch Rye Whiskey
Aromatic bitters
Bitter aromatics
Horseleather-infused simple syrup
Ape musk
Crab scrapings
Egg white (monotreme)
Virgin mint
Fiberglass
Aged ice
Equipment:
Swindler's cone
Fingerglove
Blotter
Cocktail shaker (brass)
Spitguard
Tiny bathtub
Instructions:
Fill swindler's cone with egg white and ape musk. Palpate relentlessly until the musk protests (6-8 minutes).
Regard the ice.
Twist, slap, and kiss the mint (w/tongue). Repeat until flushed.
Combine aromatic bitters and bitter aromatics in equal proportion until, entirely neutralized, a glass of water remains. Drink this to stay hydrated.
Combine whiskey, syrup, and crab scrapings in tiny bathtub. With fingerglove, splish splash your pinky about like a little bitty hedonist. Watch you do not bruise the liquor.
Spit on the spitguard to confirm its effectiveness. Set aside indefinitely.
Combine tub, cone, ice, and fiberglass in cocktail shaker. Place near a fault line. Return after a sizable seismic event.
Pour cocktail into the drain. Only the process mattered
.
THE DROPSICAL BARRISTER
An old and venerable cocktail, widely believed to have single-handedly kickstarted the Prohibition era. Still technically illegal in the mainland USA. Best drank with awful company in a terrible mindset.
You will need -
Ingredients:
A bullet
Grain spirits (180 proof or above)
Sinverguenza's Black Agave Execution-Style Smoked Tequila
Powders
Pre-holy water
Choice botanicals
Local farm spelt
Heirloom rhubarb (karate-chopped)
Herbal Essences
Equipment:
A big damn knife
Instructions:
Dissolve bullet in a jar of grain spirits. Shoot the jar with a gun. Consider what you've just done, and why you've done it. Gather loose drippings.
Pour the pre-holy water into your favorite drinking glass. Drink this to stay hydrated.
Circulate the powders, remaining mindful of their properties.
Work Herbal Essences into damp hair, working from root to tip, until a lather forms. Wring hair into a highball glass and serve to an enemy.
Mash spelt, rhubarb, and tequila into a loose paste. Anoint knife with paste and plunge into a heart (yours or whoever's). Catch whatever comes out in a highball glass and serve to an enemy.
Go to bed. You've had a long day.
.
FIREBALL FLAKES
A big boy's breakfast. Strictly for caucasians.
You will need -
Ingredients:
Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey
Milk (whole)
Cheerios
Equipment:
Bowl
Spoon
Adventurer's mindset
Instructions:
You can pretty much figure this one out I think.
.
THE BIG BOPPER'S PANTY DROPPER
Killed FDR.
You will need -
Ingredients:
White rum
Dark rum
Darker rum
Spiced rum
Salted rum
Frozen rum
De-aged rum
Poison rum
Raisin rum
Crummy rum
Rummikub
Domesticated rum
Cran-apple rum
Tum tugger rum
Sugar cane (in rum form)
Whiskey rum
Gin rum
Gin rummy
Dried rum (rehydrated)
Spider rum (orb)
Rum juice
"Rum"
Piss
Vinegar
Equipment:
Rum gloves
Rum hat
"I <3 RUM" shirt
Punch bowl
Instructions:
Combine all ingredients in a punch bowl and set on fire. Run.
Keep running.
Never stop.
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