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6 new contenders for the single most enjoyable note ever written to a neighbor.

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That giant spool will make the perfect coffee table for your douchebag ex-husband!
 
(Via)

As the earth's population continues to grow, humans are forced to live in ever closer proximity to each other, pissing each other off in new and disgusting ways. The neighbor note is the most effective medium to alert your neighbors to the myriad ways in which their way of life is destroying yours. So if you're going to leave one yourself and want to make sure your neighbors pay heed, take a cue from these authors and unload on that piece of paper with both barrels.


I have almost all the ingredients to make one myself! (Via)

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Throw in another bottle of water and you're in, coach!.  (Via)

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I never realized how weird the word "mow" was spelled. (Via)

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I've worked too hard to look at your ugly footprints. (Via)

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The Copulator Cop strikes again. (Via)

Updated 9/3/14:


If you can hear me masturbating, you've quieted down enough. (Via

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Vengeance is swift in Canada. (Via)

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The investigation will look for roommates who take too long in the shower. (Via)

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MADE OUT OF PEOPLE. (Via)

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Oh yeah? Well no one wants to see your hair taped to the wall with this note, either. (Via)

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P.S. Please be real. I need something to believe in. (Via)

Updated 8/8/14: 


Maybe now isn't a good time to tell you you have a crazy sign in your yard. (Via


Damn, the store clerk told me that red shirt was an invisibility cloak. (Via)

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Beware of neighbor with clipart. (Via)

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"We Live Next Door To A Peeping Tom"
Maybe less people would look in your window if you stopped posting signs in it.
(Via)

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Sorry, my phone's "Someone will mourn her dead fiancé with a 5am wake up opera" alert must not have been set properly. (Via)

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God, you gonna help him on this one or what? In your name we pray, amen. (Via

Updated 7/2/14:


Guess I can add "bad neighborliness" to all the reasons to be ashamed of myself.(Via

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It's nice to see neighbors encouraging each other's artistic endeavors. (Via)



Fight fire with fire. Buy more cars. Buy so many cars they'll bow to you! (Via)



Aw, both neighbors like that movie about the people who make homemade explosives! (Via)



Neighbor of the year? Kind of braggy about the joke-telling though. (Via)



Dumb neighbor. Dogs can't read signs. (VIa)


Updated 6/1/14:


Dude, keep making noise as long as you keep delivering the guilt cookies. (Via)

 


Is this guy hoping those hashtags might start to spread?#yesallgirlbye(Via)


I'm sure they'd be cool with it if you put on some gloves first.(Via)


If you're going to leave a note, make sure you cover all your bases.


Have you heard the bad news?(Via)


Oh damn! Forget it. I am so not hard enough. (Via)

Updated 5/1/14:


Looks like we're gonna have a problem here. (Via)


"Stranger danger" has no effect on the inebriated and genitally exposed. (Via)

 


Do your children know you just made a sign with dog shit? (Via)

 


Cats can't read, but you might not be too good at that either so you're even. (Via)

 


#Myspot? Dude, get off Twitter. You can't hashtag real life. (Via)

 


If "Rimming" scores some cupcakes, #5 might be game.(Via)

 

Updated 4/1/14:


20G is the dictionary definition of "being chill." (Via)

 


That kitty seems kind of into it, though. Mixed messages! (Via)

 


The wording makes it really sound like this guy just found his life's mission. (Via)

 


For this rooster, we are all victims too. (Via)

 


I'm with the note-writer. Orgy-havers should keep it a secret from those who weren't invited. (Via)

 


So many valid points made in such a brief correspondence. (Via)

 

Updated 3/2/14:


It did seem odd that they kept screaming "Love." (Via)

 


But the dogs are just shouting, "Why don't you love us?!" (Via)

 


You're taking it too literally. UPS feels like "being home" is a state of mind, man. (Via)

 

 
What if you trained the dog to poop on junk mail? (Via)

 


This guy could help the sleepless neighbor above. (VIa)

 


It's a scary day when you find out your building has not one but two "Bronys." (Via)

 

Updated 2/3/14:


Oh damn. That guy had best never wave back. (Via)

 


Believe it or not, the guy who wrote this says his intended meaning was,
"Please, Satan, leave me alone." Oops.
(Via)

 


I bet Big booty bitches are just fine with the volume. (Via)



Seriously. And the "Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh" crap gets old real fast. (Via)

 


Less quiet? So, louder, and maybe with some narration so the kid gets it?(Via)

 


Say what you want about our kid, but how DARE you say we have no talent! (Via)

 

Updated 1/1/14:


Maybe they named her after a grandmother? (Via)

 


If you can't say something nice about someone, say it with the wifi.(Via)

 


Just seems like a really chill, helpful neighbor who loves life and fun. (Via)

 


The laundry room is the land of broken promises. (Via)

 


The "we're watching you" makes it seem like you're into it.(Via)

 


But I'm looking for a hot tub buddy with "benefits."(Via)

 

Updated 12/3/13:


You fear intimacy. Other people's really loud intimacy.

 


Wow! Imagine how bad the response would have been if they hadn't added the "Thanks."

 


If the cranking and wanking's too loud, you're too...tasteful musically.
(Via)

 



Maybe building inspectors need to pay more attention to wall thickness.

 


The more you f**k with her trash, the more she'll love you. That's just Steph!

 


Sure they probably didn't see it. Which makes this one the most passive-aggressive of all!!!

 

 

Updated 11/5/13:


His partner must have been worried sick.

 


Translation: Dear neighbors, when you're forced to do my laundry for me, do it right!

 


Roided out rat pee really gives a watermelon that extra crispness.

 


It told us to tell the ficus it always loved it.

 


Live in darkness, or feed me Whoppers. You make the call.

 


Coolest neighbor ever.

 

Updated 10/8/13:


Some men can only communicate in penis drawings. Especially when in a bathroom stall.

 


It would be worth it. That porch is irresistable.

 


Grammar Nazis have no business in elevator maintenance.

 


You should get a stethoscope and tape the listening end to the wall. It just works.

 


Holy crap. Do you live next to Ned Flanders?

 


Thus explaining the headline in the following morning's paper, "Man Killed By Whale In Apartment."

 

Updated 9/6/13:


It's easier than you think to drown in a paddling pool. If you drink enough.

 


In other words, we watch you through your windows and think you're hot!

 


"Naber?" Maybe he only heard people refer to "the neighborhood" as "the nabe?"

 


The big one is not to be trusted.

 


But you're so photogenic!

 


On the contrary, turn it up!!! From 402 —

 

Updated 8/7/13:


I sing what's in my heart. And everything in my heart is pure horror.

 


Worst thing is, it was blocked by a bag of cow's arseholes.

 


We didn't feel condescended to until you gave us the layman's definition of "urinate."

 


Or maybe your neighbor delivered it to you. Just in case you're interested...it's all clean.

 


That's nothing. Wait until they hook up with the singer from above.

 


Not a dry eye in the garage.

 

Updated 7/8/13:


Have some empathy for your jealous neighbors who long for human touch. Pipe down.

 


Lesson learned. Neighbors prefer to be concussed from above by full cans of beer.

 


It's been two years! Get over it. She's gone!

 


Don't test them. That grandson is a big fan of gravy fries.

 


Those two are going to have to get together for a movie night.

 


We thought our childhood issues just made us sleep with scary men. They make us litter too?

 

Updated 6/10/13:


That noise is whatever you want it to be, Kim.

 


And? What'd you think?

 


Well this sign is far more entertaining decoration, so silver lining?

 


There may be a vacancy in this building, as soon as Nick and his python are evicted.

 


Nah, he's sad inside too. He brings everybody down.

 


A truly polite marauder would have gone in and straightened things up a bit.

 

Updated 5/7/13:


Guess the tenant in #9 has no choice but to abandon their mail and move.

 


Or better yet, break up in your car. Make sure to play a sad song on the radio.

 


PPS: You can leave the souvenirs you bought me on my porch. Quietly!

 


What if all of his houseguests were hearing-impaired male siblings?

 


They scream across the studio to pretend it's bigger.

 


Good God. Just...good God!

 


But next time was going to be handcuffs and knee socks day. Ball gag is a week from now.

Updated 4/8/13:


Will this lion be in attendance? Because he seems nice.

 


Don't hit the H&R Block until after tax time. People need those returns, dammit. Have a heart.

 


Sweet! Free sex counseling! Why does anger turn us on so much?

 


Probably a lot of write-in answers on that one.

 


Of course if you chooe to post this on the internet, that's your decision.

 


You should thank them. Free fence!

 

Updated 3/12/13:


"Dude, what are these idiots smoking? We don't have a skunk. Oh."

 


5:30 AM is a small time. A very small time with NO ROOM FOR YOUR NOISE!!!
 


Although experts refute it, this photo of the Sock Ness Monster continues to intrigue.
 


"We left a note and tried to summon you with human sacrifice, but I guess you were busy."
 


The members of Apt. 93 have the best handwriting in this argument in Manchester, UK.
 


This girl has never made a decision that had any kind of odor in her life.

Updated 2/4/12:


Congratulations, Apt 2B. You're the most understanding neighbors on the planet.

 


No offense to Apt. 2B, but Apt. 3F is candidate for sainthood.

 


What ever happened to "Beware of Dog?"

 


He also has one that reads "Thank you for parking in front of my driveway. I hope you die."

 


We hope they responded with, "To the stupid shithead next door. You're welcome."

 


If that's what was left untouched, what on earth was redacted?

 


It's the fun new game, Secret Prizes For Poop! You'll see what's coming to you!!

 

Updated 11/29/12:


Wow, I can't believe those kids dropped out of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome university.

 


However, this does nothing to stop salespeople, landlords, or Antichristmas carollers.
 


She always moans when people park right in her spot.
 


"Did you see those assholes who just moved in?" "Yeah, they were very honest about it."

 


You don't get to be "Boss Lady of #75" without knowing how to do some serious italic yelling.
 


"Are you offering me your cat for free HBO? Because I can do that."

Posted 11/01/12:


This is called "The Direct Approach."
 


Now we're worried there are CDs of us crying being circulated by our neighbors.
 


The hardware store didn't have any "Owner Hates His Life" signs.
 


German? Those must have been some messy sexy times.
 


Can't wait until the next issue of "Noise Complaint Heroines" hits out comic book shop.
 


If someone being tortured shouts "Oh God yes," they're being tortured wrong.
 


He should be saying thank you. Forced nudity turned him into a real go-getter.

Updated 10/3/12:


From now on, they'll be sure and only whisper conspiratorially about boners.

 


They tried a Gangnam Style sign but it's hard to make a noise complaint while galloping.

 


Wait for the ransom request and don't involve the police or the tomato is ketchup.

 


Then why'd you install the cameras, perv?

 



They were up for a Macarthur Genius award but a Biggest Cunts award will do.

 

Updated 9/5/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 7/30/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 6/18/12:


There is absolutely nothing this person will not complain about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 5/21/12:

 

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"CD's Covered In Cat Piss. You Wanna Salvage Them? Be My Guest."
"Actually, The Cat Is Pretty On Target With The State Of The Music Industry Right Now. Funny That."

 

Updated 3/1/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 2/16/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

 


 

Updated 1/24/11:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 1/4/11:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated: 12/5/11

 


Growing fonder.

Watching these private school kids lose their minds at a playground rap battle is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

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Time out! Which one of you bitches borrowed my rhyming dictionary? 

A lot of these rhymes are kind of lazy

Some of them sound practically faxed in

But no matter how good or bad they are

These kids seem to really enjoy overreactin'.

All: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Seriously, it seems like these shiny preppy high school kids can spit anything and get accolades from their peers, up until about two minutes in when the one kid rhymes "face" with "face" about nineteen times and the critics finally turn on him.

(by Bob Powers)

Jimmy Buffett

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Jimmy Buffett is an American singer-songwriter, best known for music portraying what your uncle would do if he won the lottery.

Miss Stake.

I'm excited about the female Ghostbusters, but we should remember that the woman who broke the ghost-catching glass ceiling was Ms. Pac-Man.

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Aaron FullertonThu, 9 Oct 2014 10:36:40 EDT

I'm excited about the female Ghostbusters, but we should remember that the woman who broke the ghost-catching glass ceiling was Ms. Pac-Man.

"Unsubscribe" button

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The "Unsubscribe" button is the Waldo of an email newsletter.

Wish your friends an epic happy birthday with their very own pre-made YouTube video.

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I bet that gift is some plant-eater's head.

If you want to wish your friends a happy birthday, but don't feel like putting in any effort, send a Someecard. If you're the kind of friend willing to go the extra mile and also send them a pre-made video, check out this YouTube channel, Epic Happy Birthdays

The channel makes birthday videos with a personalized song for a whole bunch of names. Find the name you're looking for by searching "Happy Birthday [Name]" in YouTube. In case you were wondering if this birthday song is epic, the answer is right on the tin.

As usual, there is no song (or commemorative keychain or keepsake license plate) with the name "Shira." So I'll be playing myself "Happy Birthday, Sharon!" this year and cry-shouting "Shira!" at the relevant moments. Don't worry. I'm advocating for myself:

You have ten months, Epic Happy Birthdays.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)


Fracking company teams up with Susan G. Komen to make pink drill bits "for the cure." No, I'm not lying.

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This still looks like a demon from some pink hell that wants to eat my face.

We've all been around the block enough times to get a little cynical about October's annual pink-washing ritual, but this takes the big pink cancer cake. The Susan G. Komen Foundation has teamed up with the fossil-fuels drilling equipment company Baker Hughes to produce 1,000 pink drill bits that will raise awareness...under the earth...among sentient natural gas deposits? I don't know, dude. 

What's even more impressively mind-boggling is that this is the second year Baker Hughes and Komen have done this. Baker Hughes is also donating $100,000 to the cause, which is a good idea since the chemical slush they use to dissolve rocks and release natural gas has a tendency to seep into water supplies and cause breast cancer.

Now, it's becoming trendy to be against pink-everything in October because organizations like Baker Hughes use it to "pinkwash" their unsavory realities. It allows the NFL to say they care about women's health despite the fact that all their pink shoes, pink towels and pink yardage markers actually raise literally zero dollars for cancer.

I would rather let a few corporate a-holes take advantage of the national goodwill by appropriating pink than go on witch hunts, but I do think there has to be a line somewhere. So, how about we draw it at pink drill bits that play an active part in releasing carcinogens into our water supply. Call me crazy.

(by Johnny McNulty)

A guy built a machine gun that folds and shoots paper airplanes.

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A major breakthrough in ridiculousness.

Everyone familiar with 3D printing agrees that the technology has the potential to change our world in ways, both good and bad, that we can't yet imagine. One of the downsides that everyone predicted is the prevalence of homemade guns. However, I don't think anyone imagined that one of the weapons created would be a machine gun that folds and shoots paper airplanes. Why would they? It's a ridiculous idea. That didn't stop YouTube user Papierfliegerei, though, because he not only thought of it, he designed the parts and had them fabricated through the German 3D printing website Fabberhouse.de. For better or worse, the paper airplane machine gun is now a reality.

While the gun is the quantum leap in the field of producing and launching paper airplanes, as a weapon, it's pretty much useless. Maybe that's the point. If the production of goofy, harmless guns became a trend, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

6-year-old boy cries because he's too little to get married until Dad reassures him, "It's not that fun."

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I bet I know what's going to be played during the reception at Dean's wedding.

"What are you crying about?" Dean's dad asks him, as if he doesn't already know the answer and isn't just trying to capture it on camera. "I'll never marry!" Dean shouts, like the distraught overage heroine in a Disney Princess movie. 

Dean is upset that he isn't 80 or some other age that's old enough to be wed, like 19. Take heart, kid. It's like Dad says: "It's not that fun. It's not that different. You're just married."

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

First things first.

Insanely single.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 9, 2014

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1. Mike Huckabee Is So Mad At The GOP For Not Hating Gay People Enough

Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee announced to the American Family Association's radio audience that he is "utterly exasperated with Republicans" who aren't adequately frothing at the mouth over nationwide advances in marriage equality, going so far as to claim that he will leave the party unless everyone learns to hate their fellow humans as deeply as he does. "You lose me, I'm gone, I'll become an independent," Huckabee threatened. "I'm tired of this."


2. Don't Get Ebola Or The Spanish Government Will Kill Your Dog

The government of Spain had a poor, innocent dog—who may or may not have become infected with the Ebola virus by its owners, who are currently quarantined—put to sleep yesterday. "Hahaha! We hate dogs," government officials most likely did not say, while signing the adorable animal's death warrant. "Though there is legitimate reason to be concerned that this mangy beast could cause additional human infections, the actual reason we are doing this is pure, evil cruelty," they almost certainly did not continue saying. Though they might as well have, the monsters!


3. Gwyneth Paltrow To Create Fashion Line For All Of Us To Mindlessly Hate

Actress and Internet-punching-bag Gwyneth Paltrow has announced that she's collaborating with fashion designers Diane Von Furstenberg, Stella McCartney, and Michael Kors to create her own GOOP-branded line of overpriced clothes for all of us people online to relentlessly mock and gawk over while she slowly gets wealthier and more self-satisfied. Everybody wins!


4. Science Explains Why Tomato Juice Is Slightly Less Disgusting At 30K Feet

Ever wonder why tomato juice—otherwise known as watery pizza sauce that people actually sip from glasses of their own accord—seems moderately more palatable when you're flying on an airplane? Scientific research shows that the reason for this might be that the low cabin pressure of the plane actually changes the way we perceive the beverage's disgusting flavor. Another theory, popularized by me right here, is that the entire experience of traveling by passenger jet is so unpleasant that the drink seems less awful by comparison.


5. Study: Your Soul Might Get Attacked By Lions And Tigers In The Afterlife

A new study of post-death experiences seems to suggest that people who are clinically dead may actually continue to have some sensory perceptions for minutes after the heart stops beating. People who have come back from such conditions report experiencing several interesting things, including: "Being dragged through deep water" and "[Seeing] lions and tigers." As if the prospect of dying weren't terrifying enough.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Cure-all.


Oatmeal

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Oatmeal is a grain based breakfast food that can help you lower your cholesterol so you can live long enough to one day get cancer.

Manhunt launched for "bold" and "disturbing" Seattle lawn-pooper.

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You couldn't have brought an extra plastic bag to curb yourself? Really?

Everybody poops, but for the most part, they do it in designated pooping areas. Not the mystery defecator currently terrorizing the Phinney Ridge and Greenwood neighborhoods of Seattle, aka "The Cascades Crapper," aka "The Creature From The Pooget Sound," aka "The Seattle Poopersonic." The KIRO TV Channel 7 Eyewitness News team called the acts "bold" and "disturbing" after one resident, Lowell Deo, was brave enough to send video of the early-morning night-soiler to police and local media outlets, including the PhinneyWood neighborhood blog.

Apparently, people have been calling KIRO 7 for a while now to complain about this "bold" criminal who dared to fertilize their flower beds. Up until now, however, no one had seen this shitty Sasquatch. Here's Deo's account of the unfortunate process by which he became the first person in the area to actually figure out what was happening in his yard. From the PhinneyWood blog:

I am cleaning around some flowerbeds in the yard when I notice a mound of poo. Something told me this wasn’t the product of a large dog (since dogs usually prefer using grass to dirt). Still, I put it out of my mind long enough to clean it up… only to let curiosity grip me and force me to search the security camera watching over the area. Sure enough a “two legged animal” did the doo!

We would really like to know who this…ahemmmm!… .gentleman is… so we can let him know fouling folks’ yards isn’t cool (especially with all this concern in the news about pathogens spread by bodily fluids and human waste.

(Alright, dude. We're already on your side, there's no reason to bring Ebola into this.)

I've put the full footage of the tapes here below. If you live in Seattle and happen to hang out with the kinds of people who might poop on another person's lawn, check out the footage and see if you recognize this mythological dookie dropper. 

(by Johnny McNulty)

Puppy tries to take dog for a walk and gets taken for a ride.

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Haha! That puppy is weak!

LOL. This puppy knows zip about physics. Big things make small things move, little pup, not the other way around. Your lack of understanding is hilarious, my tiny, powerless buddy. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Fantasy Football

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Fantasy Football is a weekly online competition using the statistics of NFL players who aren't in jail.

Horse enters police station, gives up and leaves after being refused assistance by local law enforcement.

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"Ye have no business here, horse. This is people law!"

Earlier this week, a Gypsy Cob horse apparently mistook a human person police station in Winsford, United Kingdom for a equine police station, which is something I assume they have in England. 

However, after casually walking right on in through station's sliding glass doors, the horse was informed of its error and was promptly led back outside where an officer presumably pointed the way toward the Horse Constable's office. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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